Miscellaneous: Today, I mentioned on Facebook that I'll be out of town over... - FML

By Anonymous - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I mentioned on Facebook that I'll be out of town over the weekend, because I am attending my grandmother's funeral. I soon got comments saying "Pics or it didn't happen" and "Killed her for the inheritance, eh?" followed by a solitary "LOLLL". FML

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Triage

And today, on Dr Phil…

Mother of the year

By horribleawfulnogoodverybadweek

Artificial teeth

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me over text because she discovered from my mum that my teeth aren't my natural teeth, and she feels disgusted kissing me. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Dartmouth

Today, I overheard my dad say "Last time I didn't use a condom, I ended up with Steven, so for god's sake use 'em." I'm Steven. FML

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By angie24w

Today, I had no choice but to use a porta potty. I was happy to get a clean one. I wasn't happy when a young child tried opening the door and used enough force to break the lock, showing me sitting on the toilet to the world. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my school's theater production was canceled. Not because of budget, but because my co-star fell in love with me and asked me out. When I pointedly declined, he refused to act alongside me since it was "awkward." Everyone's blaming me for it. FML

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By wellfuckyoutoo - United States - Philadelphia

Today, a close friend came over with her three-year-old son. The child used a crayon on the walls, flushed my money down the toilet, and threw up. My friend was seriously offended when I asked her to help me clean everything up. FML

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By Ahhwtf - United States

Today, my nose was itchy. As I reached towards it to itch it, I sneezed ridiculously hard. I punched myself in the eye and now it's all purple and puffy. FML

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By Tucker - United States

Today, I woke up with a hangover from last night. Last night, I snuck out and went to a party at a club. To hide my hangover, I cleaned myself up and walked into the kitchen to get a drink. My mother looked at me and said, "What's that on your wrist?" I'd forgotten I'd left the wristband on from the club. I'm already grounded. FML

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By JustCantWin - United States

Today, I called my parents to wish them a happy 28th anniversary. Now my mom's mad at my dad for forgetting, and my dad's mad at me for reminding her. FML

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By UglyGirl - United States - San Francisco

Today, I waved at a baby while standing in line in a store. It started screaming. Its mom looked over in mild concern and gave me a disturbed glare before moving to the next checkout counter over. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/11/2020 14:01

Thanks Dad

Today, I was cleaning out my deceased father's closet and found 4 boxes of BDSM porn videos, magazines and DVDs. To save his dignity, I hid them in my room to throw away on garbage day. My mom found the boxes in my room and now wants me to go to therapy. I'm only 16. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Manhattan

Today, I went to the health department to get on some birth control. I left the health department without birth control, and with the news that I'm pregnant. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, my girlfriend left me. I have no clue what to do with the holiday we have booked or the ring I was going to propose to her with on Valentine's Day. FML

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By Username

Today, I was told by my mom that I'm a terrible person because I won't help my brother get a girlfriend. He's gay, but won't tell her because he thinks it's hilarious when she yells at me. FML

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By pepsifoot - United States

Today, I got hurt and spent the remainder of the day limping. I wish I could say it was from something badass like roller derby, but I can't. A woman with a rolling cart filled with packs of Pepsi rolled over my foot on the bus. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I wanted to seduce my boyfriend so I put on my sexiest lingerie and started playing mood music. As he was eating dinner, I climbed up on the table and started seductively crawling across to him. The table collapsed under my weight. FML

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By say no to dick - Australia - Newcastle

Today, I found out that my father faked his whole "mid-life crisis", just so he could gain my trust and get me to admit that I smoke weed, and to tell him who I buy it from. Hello year-long grounding. FML

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By Mark - United States

Today, I started my new job as a janitor at a store. The first thing that happened when I came in was another employee telling me that there was vomit in the restroom, and that I had to clean it up. Not only did I clean up vomit, I had to clean up the poop that made the kid puke in the first place. FML

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By myparentsarehoes - Canada

Today, I was at a bar with my friends for my 19th birthday when I saw my dad grinding some chick that was not my mom. I confronted him and told him I was telling mom. He then pointed across the bar to my mom with another man. I just found out my parents are swingers. FML

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By Newgenmom - 18/12/2020 19:02 - United Kingdom

Not for me

Today, I told my husband I might want a baby, so he took me to visit his best friend who has a toddler and we stayed for an hour. I no longer want a baby. I want the pill wrapped in 2 condoms and a joint vasectomy/hysterectomy paid for with my non-baby disposable income, and my husband now has a shit eating grin. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Troy

Today, my parents finally fulfilled my wish of a pet that I could take care of for a few years. They got a parrot. I guess 75 years or more is a few years to my parents. FML

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By lyssthemiss - United States - Joliet

Today, I was taking a bath after a long day at work. I closed my eyes and listened to music. My cat thought this was the perfect time to come out of his hiding spot and jump in the bath. Once he realized it was filled with water, he freaked out and dug his claws into my face. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while dropping files off at my boss's house, I tripped and fell into his fish tank. We both watched as a crack spread all the way across the glass and shattered, covering his carpet in fish and water. His only words to me were, "I'll see you at work tomorrow. Maybe." FML

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By Anonymous - 18/12/2020 13:59

I Want the One I Can't Have

Today, I found out that the very attractive guy who lives in the house behind mine is working from home. I know this because he waved after catching my performance of singing along to a Smiths song into my hairbrush in front of the mirror, dancing around like a five-year-old. FML

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By oldmold - 23/7/2020 17:01

Extreme cooking

Today, my husband and I got into a huge argument. He called me wasteful for throwing out old food. He insisted that you can simply pick the mold off and the food was perfectly fine. He’s going to kill our kids. FML

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By my bad - 24/9/2020 01:58 - United States

Brain fart

Today, I went out with my friend and her boyfriend. Not knowing him very well, I accidentally called him by her ex’s name. He took that as a sign she was still seeing the ex and dumped her on the spot. She’s now not speaking to me for ruining her life. I’m just bad with names. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tacoma

Today, I went into my former workplace. While there, an ex-coworker told me that after I quit, they split my position into two separate jobs. When I worked there, my boss had told me to suck it up whenever I said there was too much work for just one person. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2020 20:01 - Australia - Sydney

Stuck

Today, I was told by my boss if I was late one more time he fired me. I replied, "Can I quit then if that's the case." He then said no, and gave me more shifts. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was messing around with my boyfriend, trying to get him to tell me he loved me more than KISS, his favorite band. He couldn't do it. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Ottawa

Today, in an attempt to potty train my step-son, my boyfriend and I put underwear on him, hoping that when he peed himself, he would realize using the potty is the way to go. Instead, he peed while sitting on the couch, got up, took off the underwear, and then switched seats. FML

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By Judy69 - United States - Dekalb

Today, things were getting heated between me and the guy I like, and we were about to have sex. I told him to turn the TV off so we can get started. His response? "But I like this show." FML

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By DogLover - United States - Watertown

Today, I learned that my big, tough, strong dog is terrified of spiders when he jumped, knocked over a table and then peed on the spider to drown it. FML

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By Anonymous - Norway

Today, I was outside with a guy I really like. He asked me to lay down on the ground and watch the stars with him. I did. Suddenly, he got up, walked over to another girl and kissed her. They left me there on the soaking wet ground, watching the stars. FML

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By StinkyDogs - United States

Today, on the way home from the dog groomer, my great Dane had a bout of diarrhea in the car. I slammed on the brakes and my other freshly shampooed dog slid off the seat and into the pile of crap. FML

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By mommyfairy - United States

Today, I realized that my boss is able to read all the emails my coworker and I send each other. Most of them are about how she is such a shitty boss. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was in a public toilet, enduring an extremely awkward silence between myself and the person in the next stall. In my rush to get out of there, I managed to get my ass stuck in the toilet seat, and ended up being pulled out by the maintenance men. FML

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By Doglover

Today, I went jogging. It was cold but I dressed lightly because I overheat when I exercise. Unfortunately, I locked myself out. My wife returned four hours later to find me spooning our dog in the doghouse to keep from freezing to death. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while at the urinal doing my business, my trousers fell all the way to the ground. As I bent down to pull them back up, my boss walked in the bathroom and thought I was mooning him. FML

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By Sadboy - United States

Today, I went to family therapy because my mom wanted the family to be closer. When asked what her biggest disappointment was in life, she turned to me and said, "Having a gay son" then patted my hand, smiled, and said "No offense, honey." FML

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By fuckshit

Today, I witnessed a hit-and-run. I used my phone to write down the license plate for the police. However, I didn't notice that my phone had autocorrected the number. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/2/2021 20:01 - Australia

Keep your distance

Today, as I served an elderly man at the fast-food restaurant where I work, he leaned over the counter so that his face was mere inches from mine and asked me if I wanted to buy his car. When I politely told him I wasn't interested, he insisted on making a complaint about me to my manager. FML

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Top comments

By cannotthinkofone | 10

#5641093 - Saturday 24 August 2013 5:13

You have very insensitive "friends"!

By loldatssad | 12

#5641096 - Saturday 24 August 2013 5:15

You need new friends.

COMMENTS

By cannotthinkofone | 10

#5641093 - Saturday 24 August 2013 5:13

You have very insensitive "friends"!

Reply

TrueTriage | 16

#5641128 - Saturday 24 August 2013 5:21

Well this might get buried and I understand how OP must feel right now. If anything they are just jokes made WAY to soon I don't think people genuinely are being this cruel, if they are well.... This is the Internet and its tough to get around trolls sometimes even in FB

Reply

K410 | 18

#5641247 - Saturday 24 August 2013 6:11

Welcome to Facebook.

Reply

vipirius | 18

#5641266 - Saturday 24 August 2013 6:23

11. I'm pretty sure there's no appropriate time to make those jokes.

Reply

ThatsMyPie | 20

#5641358 - Saturday 24 August 2013 7:45

33 - I agree, but people will make them regardless. The internet is chaos and this is a result.

Reply

iBanana | 17

#5641395 - Saturday 24 August 2013 8:11

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

ariiewilliams | 17

#5641922 - Saturday 24 August 2013 18:36

They are huge assholes for saying that about the situation you're in.

Reply

Hayte123 | 2

#5642118 - Saturday 24 August 2013 20:25

"I'm the kind of guy that laughs at a funeral, can't understand what I mean then you soon will" -Barenaked Ladies (band)

Reply

ScruffyFML | 10

#5642156 - Saturday 24 August 2013 21:06

OP, do unto others as they do to you.

Reply

Bcfrmkc816 | 17

#5642699 - Sunday 25 August 2013 6:05

As many have said I am sorry for your loss. And hope you will be ok.

By loldatssad | 12

#5641096 - Saturday 24 August 2013 5:15

You need new friends.

Reply

ColdplaySucks | 18

#5641222 - Saturday 24 August 2013 5:52

You might want to consider adding real friends instead of people you know. It might lesson the friend count (not like that shit matters) but you won't get asshole posts like that.

Reply

OzzyTheGiant | 14

#5924180 - Wednesday 23 April 2014 23:43

second it

By Jjimen1654 | 9

#5641097 - Saturday 24 August 2013 5:15

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

Shrike | 22

#5641116 - Saturday 24 August 2013 5:18

Woop woop! Anti-Facebook hipster detected!

Reply

Jjimen1654 | 9

#5641126 - Saturday 24 August 2013 5:21

I like facebook for keeping in touch with family and just close friends. Most people add random strangers to their facebook and thus get these types of responses. Thats why i said this post isnt very surprising. :)

Reply

megstiel | 16

#5641161 - Saturday 24 August 2013 5:28

Just wondering, is your username pronounced hymen?

By jstorie95 | 8

#5641098 - Saturday 24 August 2013 5:15

Wow some friends you have

By jc10x | 8

#5641107 - Saturday 24 August 2013 5:16

Either you are a known liar or your "friends" are real assholes.

By brittyboo123 | 35

#5641108 - Saturday 24 August 2013 5:16

Wow, what great "friends"
Sorry for your loss.

By SuperPizzaMan_fml | 11

#5641121 - Saturday 24 August 2013 5:19

It wasn't too bad up until the LOLLL..

Reply

p00p0nt0ast | 10

#5641646 - Saturday 24 August 2013 13:47

No, it was bad the whole way

By revolution4ever | 14

#5641131 - Saturday 24 August 2013 5:23

What is wrong with people? I bet if they lost a family member and you posted that they'd be completely pissed at you.

Reply

aJaguarinRed | 9

#5641828 - Saturday 24 August 2013 17:00

Or they'd post pics and say," Grandma's dead! I'm rich, b**ch!"

By hcollins1 | 18

#5641139 - Saturday 24 August 2013 5:24

Sorry for your loss OP. My best friends grandfather had died the other day and I'm going to his funeral tomorrow. They're all like my other family and they all consider me as their daughter/granddaughter/sister. :(

Ignore your insensitive 'friends' and delete those people that have made those comments. I have you and your family in my prayers.

By korbynsawesome | 3

#5641140 - Saturday 24 August 2013 5:24

ugh. first world problems. are you surprised that someone in the world didn't care? news flash: everyone dies. you're not special. & when you put your personal life on facebook you're subjecting yourself to everyone's opinions. whether they care or not. you did it to yourself. get over it.