Love and Holidays: Today, I married my best friend in the whole world at a small...

By Anonymous

Today, I married my best friend in the whole world at a small romantic venue. By that I mean I married my actual best mate while completely hammered at a drive-through wedding chapel. My fiancée is gonna kill me when she finds out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2249

You deserved it

4586

Favorite

Love

Holidays

Out of it

Messed up

Near the knuckle

By Anonymous - United States - Westerville

Today, my fiancé had to perform his first prostate exam. He told me he was quite nervous about it, so I reminded him that he did fine on his first pelvic exam last month. His response: "Yeah, but I've had my hands up plenty of vaginas already." FML

I agree, your life sucks

40581

You deserved it

6143

Favorite

By Loner - United States - Paramus

Today, my buddy congratulated me on getting a girl's phone number written on my arm. I was too embarrassed to tell him it was the number I needed to find my furniture at IKEA . FML

I agree, your life sucks

2849

You deserved it

463

Favorite

By Lady Vulva

Today, I lost my virginity to my boyfriend. It lasted about 20 seconds, and he cried during it. I later heard him telling his friends he'd given me a "damn good pounding" and "made her cum 3 times". I wish. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34704

You deserved it

3029

Favorite

By matt - 12/3/2021 08:01

People disprove

Today, I, a forty year-old man, went to the store with my teenage daughter and infant son. I got some very dirty looks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1018

You deserved it

Favorite

By corasmom - United States

Today, I learned that my daughter's gerbils are not afraid of the vacuum cleaner. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31813

You deserved it

10511

Favorite

By ericane27 - United States

Today, I woke up to someone screaming "FIRE!" When I sat up, my face went right into my room-mate's ballsack. Apparently it was funny. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39272

You deserved it

5838

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, as I was jogging on the boardwalk, an old guy tripped me with his cane. As I was getting back up, I heard him say to his wife, "I wanted to see if she would actually fall." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1852

You deserved it

109

Favorite

By tanya - Canada

Today, I was in a rush and forgot to flush the toilet after taking a huge dump. After coming home from work, I check my facebook to find myself tagged by my boyfriend in a photo. The photo was of the toilet, with the caption: "This is what Taco Bell does." FML

I agree, your life sucks

16080

You deserved it

40833

Favorite

By anon - United States - San Francisco

Today, while getting ready for a job interview, I sneezed while brushing my teeth, splattering toothpaste everywhere and ruining my brand new dress. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29761

You deserved it

4742

Favorite

By Anonymous

Dared

Today, I was dared to stand and hold a sign saying, "Free Hugs." This girl I'd never seen before gave me a crushing hug and cried hysterically on my shoulder in the blazing afternoon sun. I couldn't get her off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

946

You deserved it

1068

Favorite

By GabsAlot829 - United States

Today, I babysat the most annoying and obnoxious kids for almost eight hours, when the parents assured me that they would only be gone about three or so hours. After constant calling and worrying, they finally showed up at 11:30, completely drunk. The mother paid me with three dollars and a banana. FML

I agree, your life sucks

64508

You deserved it

3717

Favorite

By ummPORQUE - United States

Today, I found out that the guy i've been having sex with for over a month didn't know my name until today. No wonder he always ever called me 'baby.' FML

I agree, your life sucks

34925

You deserved it

70514

Favorite

By Superficial - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me for being superficial. She said I was superficial because I paid $100 for acne medication, because she always complained about how much acne I had. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36899

You deserved it

2671

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was on the phone with a client, when the gum I was casually chewing fell out of my mouth and down my shirt. While I was trying to dig it out, two of our newest customers walked into the lobby to see what looked like me fondling my breasts. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25289

You deserved it

12648

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Murfreesboro

Today, after losing his job, I reassured my boyfriend by telling him I'd rather be with him living in a cardboard box than to be without him. He responded by telling me he'd rather be dead. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47341

You deserved it

6067

Favorite

By Hotdogwater

Today, my neighbour put in a noise complaint against me for being loud at midnight. I was having a coughing fit and couldn't breath. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5584

You deserved it

329

Favorite

By overlandparkmommie - United States

Today, I was so totally stressed out at work that I took my car into the park and reclined my seat and shut my eyes. Soon I noticed the soothing sounds of raindrops on my car and I felt a little better for once. I opened my eyes to see that a bunch of birds had crapped all over my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40332

You deserved it

3714

Favorite

By Travolta - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a party. I tried dancing in public for the first time ever. Judging by the whispers, stares and giggles, I'm never doing it again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31582

You deserved it

5160

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Reston

Today, I found out my friend swapped my girlfriend and probation officer's numbers in my phone. My girlfriend is wondering why I asked her permission to leave the country, and my probation officer said she can't wait to see me again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28850

You deserved it

4354

Favorite

By fuck the fucking cops - Belgium

Today, I was on the bus, when the inspector asked to see my ticket. I couldn't find it, and ended up being kicked off the bus while a few of the other passengers jeered at me. I found my ticket on the long walk home, buried in my pocket. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23806

You deserved it

4771

Favorite

By anonymous

Today, my girlfriend called me and asked me if I wanted to have phone sex with her. We got into it. It took us 13 minutes to figure out my mom had been on the other line the whole time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41814

You deserved it

14849

Favorite

By Pseudo - France - Vitry-le-fran?ois

Today, I asked my little cousin if he had a girlfriend if he had a girlfriend. “Yes,“ he said. “Two, but I’m going to keep the one with the biggest boobs.“ He’s 7. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13231

You deserved it

1524

Favorite

By scfead - United States

Today, I was walking home when a man passed me and stopped. Thinking he was staring at my butt, I asked him kindly to stop. He then laughed and grabbed my wallet that was in my back pocket, and ran. He wasn't staring at my butt, and found it funny that I thought he was. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39301

You deserved it

16068

Favorite

By anon... - United States - Washington

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend of almost 4 months. He was always worried I would cheat on him, so he cheated on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15323

You deserved it

1040

Favorite

By duncanisgey - Canada

Today, I rushed my dog to the vet because he was foaming at the mouth. I returned home with a bill for $200 and a dog who apparently has a thing for marshmallows. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34619

You deserved it

6380

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my lazy manager, who blatantly spreads vicious rumors about employees, one which has ruined a marriage, has started targeting me because her lazy daughter was legally fired. Now I'm known around the office as "the whore who slept her way up the corporate ladder." FML

I agree, your life sucks

27686

You deserved it

1833

Favorite

By teeth - United States

Today, my aunt had to smuggle me some regular toothpaste. Why? My mom isn't letting anyone in our house use anything but "Coral Paste." There are actually lumps of coral in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40332

You deserved it

2818

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Fayetteville

Today, I received a friend request on Facebook from a girl I've had a crush on for a while. As I was about to accept it, it vanished. She explained later that she clicked on my name by accident, and didn't actually want to be friends at all. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49504

You deserved it

4005

Favorite

By imalwaystired - France

Today, I opened the cabinet to take a pill for my headache. After taking the pill, I turned around and smashed my head on the open cabinet door. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29310

You deserved it

7600

Favorite

By notenoughsex - Canada

Today, I saw a video in class about women aged 65+ and their sex lives. An elderly, blind woman was having sex at her senior's home. I don't know what's worse, watching an hour-long documentary on this, or the fact that these women are having way more sex than I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks

89470

You deserved it

10444

Favorite

By kiriakousauce21 - France

Today, I woke up thinking after wearing glasses and contacts all my life that I had miraculously been corrected to 20/20. Turns out I had just fallen asleep with my contacts in. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11827

You deserved it

32755

Favorite

By colts609380 - United States - Corona

Today, I finally gained the nerve to ask out the girl of my dreams. She responded by saying, "You need to lower your standards." FML

I agree, your life sucks

30765

You deserved it

3097

Favorite

By savanah_aaron

Today, I have to use the same techniques to trick my 24-year-old husband into brushing his teeth, as I do my 2-year-old. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4835

You deserved it

704

Favorite

By mrb72 - United States

Today, I took my friend to the E.R. for an eye infection. While waiting, I proclaimed, "Why, Jesus?!" jokingly. Well, the gigantic biker sitting next to me, who had found religion in prison and is a born again Christian, was not pleased. He spent the next four hours trying to convert me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27467

You deserved it

19119

Favorite

By annie - 17/11/2020 00:08 - United States - Denver

Ruined art

Today, while sitting on a bench drawing, some guy went up to me, yelled, “YOUR ART SUCKS” and flipped my sketchpad out of my hands. I’d been working on that piece for hours and now there’s a big black pencil streak on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1241

You deserved it

Favorite

By weaknesspersonified - Austria

Today, I felt sad, useless and like I could never achieve anything. To cheer myself up, I wanted to smell some essential orange oil. I couldn't open the bottle. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22300

You deserved it

3680

Favorite

By mrsfantastic - United Kingdom

Today, I was recovering from an operation. After I felt better, I checked my phone. There were 35 missed calls and angry text messages from my boyfriend asking why I wasn't at his house to cook his dinner. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42463

You deserved it

6476

Favorite

By Anonymous - Mexico

Today, I have to get an ultrasound at the hospital. In order to get a clear picture, I need to have a full bladder. I've been waiting my turn for 2 hours now, desperately needing to pee. There are still multiple patients ahead of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46683

You deserved it

3079

Favorite

By Naked and Afraid - United States - New Braunfels

Today, my girlfriend's grandparents walked in on us getting intimate. She immediately ran to the bathroom, leaving me alone with them. They only speak Spanish, which is not my first language. We discussed the movie she and I were "watching", all while I was naked under the sheets. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3121

You deserved it

441

Favorite

By frustrated - Hong Kong

Today, I met my boyfriend in Hong Kong after being apart for almost 6 months. We got to our room and got right down to business. I was just about to come when a voice came over the PA system in the room. "This is just a fire alarm test, sorry for any inconvenience." FML

I agree, your life sucks

55937

You deserved it

5903

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By Allie614032 | 34

#7633377 - Saturday 12 May 2018 1:43

I mean, it should be easy enough to get the marriage annulled, no?

By interesting33 | 36

#7628681 - Sunday 29 April 2018 23:52

is it legal to marry your dog?

COMMENTS

By interesting33 | 36

#7628681 - Sunday 29 April 2018 23:52

is it legal to marry your dog?

By Allie614032 | 34

#7633377 - Saturday 12 May 2018 1:43

I mean, it should be easy enough to get the marriage annulled, no?

By shellzy | 20

#7633382 - Saturday 12 May 2018 2:10

Is your best friend’s name “Dave?” If it is, don’t worry. In ten years it’ll be a meme.

Gamessence | 19

#7633384 - Saturday 12 May 2018 2:24

Not A meme, THE MEME.

By Levi2411 | 39

#7633387 - Saturday 12 May 2018 2:54

I mean if you like him drunk, maybe you can hit it sober. Did you like the wedding night-

By azouwa | 26

#7633389 - Saturday 12 May 2018 3:09

Because no good story started with, "Hold my milk."

By Dave_Davington | 33

#7633399 - Saturday 12 May 2018 4:07

So how was your wedding night?

By jbuckets_404 | 38

#7633400 - Saturday 12 May 2018 4:27

OP, you oughta be able to contest your marriage license since you obviously weren't sober when you signed the marriage license (a standard req't when signing a contract). Good luck on all fronts! But YDI....