Today, I made salmon patties and boiled cabbage. I smelled smoke... - FML

By Whitley - 4/11/2010 15:17 - United States

Today, I made salmon patties and boiled cabbage. I smelled smoke from my stove burner, but thought I spilled something in the burner. No big deal. Later, this horrible smell started coming from the stove. My husband took the stove apart, only to find that I had fried a mouse as well. FML

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Honesty is the best policy

The student becomes the master

Night terrors

By sharni88 - 4/3/2011 07:13 - Australia

Today, while bored at work I was reading an article online about the local zoo and its animals. I received an email so quickly responded, but when signing off accidentally wrote "thanks hippo" instead of "thanks heaps". To a woman with a weight problem. Who also outranks me. FML

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By Birdwatcher - 18/9/2012 16:19 - United States - Woodstock

Today, I found a tiny, featherless baby bird. I knew it was impossible, but I tried to keep it alive through the day. Before I could get it to the wildlife center, it died, and when I got all choked up over it, my mom started laughing at me and saying how "weak" I was. FML

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By candy - 11/2/2016 12:24 - Canada - Kitchener

Today, I greeted my boss with, "Looking good, did you lose weight?" He responded that no, he'd just purchased larger pants. FML

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By crap car - 30/3/2016 01:13 - United States - Golden

Today, a friend was making fun of our teacher's car, calling it dorkmobile and saying only idiots would own that car. It's the same as the car I just bought. FML

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By mike4444 - 12/2/2010 18:11 - France

Today, I bought myself a flower for Valentine's Day to be delivered to myself from "Anonymous". FML

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By Anonymous - 8/2/2015 19:16

Today, while shopping with my 6-year-old daughter, she said, "Mommy, remember you wanna get duck tape!" A middle-aged guy nearby scoffed and told her: "DUCT, not DUCK. Dumb cunt." I ended up having to drive my bawling daughter home with no shopping. FML

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By HarryBeast - 10/12/2009 03:24 - Canada

Today, I pulled out three chips from a bag. There were two round ones, and a skinny one, making it look like a penis. I laughed. I'm 33. FML

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By ostfae - 21/8/2009 20:13 - United States

Today, I was told by this big guy from school that I needed to stop stalking his girlfriend, and stop following her home from school. She's my neighbor. FML

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By JustADream - 24/2/2011 06:29 - United States

Today, I woke up and went to the bathroom and took a massive piss. Then I actually woke up, well and truly soaked. FML

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By kirsty - 8/4/2012 17:18 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I went to a new deli in town. While waiting in line, I hadn't made up my mind on what to order, so I let the guy behind me go instead. Turns out he was the hundredth customer, and they gave him his lunch for free. FML

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By Cslouth - 27/10/2012 04:04 - United States - Rochester

Today, it's the five year anniversary of the day I broke up with my girlfriend to see other people. I've not had sex a single time since. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/11/2015 15:52 - United States - Westerville

Today, after many years of being single, I finally worked up the courage to ask my coworker out. He said no and gave me "fair warning" that he's going to report me for sexual harassment. FML

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By anonymous - 2/9/2011 22:02 - United States

Today, my child-hating friend who vowed never to have any no matter what, announced that she's pregnant. I've had three IVF cycles, spent $90k in fertility treatments, and still can't conceive. FML

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By firefromherlips - 28/11/2013 00:25 - United States - Gallatin

Today, I found out the position I thought I had earned by working hard was only to separate me from my coworkers because I "talked too much". Instead of addressing the issue like adults, I've essentially been put in time-out. FML

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By pear8head - 8/8/2009 16:31 - United States

Today, I ran into my new apartment neighbor. She said she could hear me and my girlfriend having wild sex last night. She told me she had always wanted to have a threesome. My new neighbor is as old as my grandma, and even resembles her. I politely declined. FML

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By lovesucks - 1/9/2009 12:52 - Australia

Today, I finally got the courage to go up and ask out the girl I have loved for a couple of months now. After she said yes, I was over the moon and ran home to tell my roommate. The next day, I saw her making out with another man. When I confronted her, she said "Oh, you were serious yesterday?" FML

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By I Have Failed - 2/4/2014 20:10 - Spain - Madrid

Today, my 14-year-old son's pathetic rebellion came to a head. He ran away from home, leaving a note saying he hates me and was leaving forever to be part of a gang his friends had formed. He came back an hour later crying. His whole gang had gotten mugged, which he somehow blamed me for. FML

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By blow away - 28/7/2014 04:36 - United States - Middletown

Today, my husband decided to play a recording of me breaking wind in my sleep to my whole family at the dinner table. To make matters worse, it was a compilation of different noises from over a long period of time. My family was horrified and my husband seemed proud of himself. FML

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By xXxJoe16xXx - 1/12/2009 21:11 - United States

Today, I went to Walmart with my girlfriend. We bought the usual, food, Advil and condoms. While I waited in line, she went to grab everything. When she came back, I looked in the cart and saw no condoms. I asked her why she didn't get any. She replied "They ran out of smalls." Everyone laughed. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/9/2014 21:36 - United States - New York

Today, I found out my fiancée's been cheating on me. Her excuse? Her ADHD made her do it. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/10/2019 16:00

Cancel Student Debt

Today, I paid $800.00 towards my student loans. That was the minimum payment. FML

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By cali - 24/11/2010 06:08 - United States

Today, I had just finished writing my rough draft essay, so I went to sit by the pond. A giant moth suddenly flew down and attacked me, causing me to drop my binder in the pond, ruining the essay. I discovered in the aftermath that the moth was actually a leaf. FML

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By scared-straight - 27/5/2013 04:05 - United States

Today, as I was lying on my bed with one of my arms hanging from the side, I felt something sniff my hand from underneath. I don't have any pets. FML

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By Hungry - 3/9/2019 06:00 - Australia - Brisbane

Cheat day

Today, I conveniently "forgot" to write down a bunch of stuff, including a huge kebab, in my Weight Watchers food journal. FML

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By me - 14/1/2012 01:38 - United States

Today, I met my son for the first time since I had to put him up for adoption over two decades ago. I wanted to make amends and get to know him. Instead, all I got to know was how well he can throw a punch. FML

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By ineedaraise - 15/7/2015 01:04 - Canada - London

Today, after nearly two months of working at my new job, one of my co-workers finally explained to me that the list of tasks that our boss gives me every day are actually HER duties, and as I complete them, she just sits in her office and watches Netflix. FML

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By cameltoeyourface - 26/7/2010 00:42 - United States

Today, I was wearing my yoga pants for my boyfriend. He's infatuated with them. He claims they make my ass look nice. I found out it's because I constantly get a camel toe, and it gives him a semi every time he sees it. I found this out by listening to him and his father at dinner. FML

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By vishurricanes - 10/6/2009 03:34 - United States

Today, I was on the bus when my crush told me to come and sit with him. I got all excited, especially when he put his arm around me. He then whispered in my ear "Hey, is your friend over there single?" FML

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By UH-OH - 15/3/2009 04:22 - United States

Today, I sat next to an attractive punk/rock guy on a plane. I decided to try to impress by playing music I thought he would like. I clicked The Who and opened a large window with the album cover, so he could see. The track then shuffled, and he was face to with a giant image of Miley Cyrus. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2017 04:30

Today, I saw a creepy guy grab a woman's ass on the bus, so I caught his arm and put him in an arm lock, only for the woman to hit me in the head with her handbag. Turns out they were a married couple on their way home to have sex, and who couldn't resist a quick grope during the journey. FML

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By rolyat - 1/5/2012 16:41 - United States - Rochester

Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend for the first time. When I took my underwear off, she looked at my penis, snorted, and covered her mouth. She claimed that her "allergies" were flaring and we have to wait until they clear up. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/3/2013 17:13 - United States - Lakeland

Today, while on the way to Florida for spring break, I pointed out to my mom a bright blue car in the rear-view mirror. As the car overtook us, we both got a horrifyingly detailed view of the driver jerking off her passenger. FML

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By dickofbrokendreams - 2/3/2015 05:14 - United States - Waynesville

Today, I discovered that my fiancé consistently thinks about his fear of breaking his penis while we have sex. He's afraid to have sex with me. FML

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By Imthatfirstguy1 - 10/4/2018 15:00

Today, I owe about $18,000 for a useless degree. Why? I graduated in 2016 from the ITT Technical Institute, a few months before the school shut down for good. The kicker? They misspelled my name on the diploma. FML

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By MedChew - 30/10/2015 17:01 - Malaysia - Kuala Lumpur

Today, I dropped my phone between my legs and tried to catch it with my thighs. Instead, the phone fell through just as I crushed my own balls with my legs. FML

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By rainyday - 12/2/2009 07:04 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I broke up. I said that at least I was always there for him when he needed me. He said "When did I need you?" FML

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By Anonymous - 12/1/2012 18:41 - United Kingdom

Today, I spun a two year old upside down, in circles. She wasn't remotely dizzy. I threw up on myself. FML

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By Lililaloose - 24/12/2008 04:11 - France

Today, while I was looking for a file on my boyfriend's hard drive, I came across photos of a half-naked woman wearing my clothes, but whose head wasn't really visible. When I demanded an explanation, I realised that it wasn't another girl - it was him. FML

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By shylahrc - 3/5/2014 23:51 - United States

Today, my mom discovered a new way to get over her breakup: yodelling. FML

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By Username - 3/6/2011 14:04 - United States

Today, while babysitting I decided to play with a children's puzzle to pass the time. Fifteen minutes in I gave up. The kid then came over and put it together in less than five. There were only ten pieces. FML

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Top comments

By Miss_Represented | 0

#1650552 - Thursday 4 November 2010 19:03

salmon patties and boiled cabbage... That was you're first mistake...

By DocBastard | 38

#1650770 - Thursday 4 November 2010 19:47

You fried a mouse? That's disgusting! What the hell is wrong with you, you fucking sicko??!

You should have sauteed it in lemon butter with some shallots and garlic. Dumbass.

Comments

By afghan_angel | 0

#1650536 - Thursday 4 November 2010 18:59

omg that's nasty. *barf*

Reply

harryman_bamf | 0

#1650626 - Thursday 4 November 2010 19:11

fick deine Lebe, op

Reply

XxDevilxXGt | 26

#1650764 - Thursday 4 November 2010 19:46

if it's not burned, and well cooked, have a taste xD

Reply

Lonlyboysh | 0

#1650773 - Thursday 4 November 2010 19:48

So... did you eat it?

Reply

starberries | 0

#1650808 - Thursday 4 November 2010 19:56

That is nasty. Salmon patties, yuck.

Reply

NonExistentCok | 0

#1650852 - Thursday 4 November 2010 20:10

how can u eat salmon patties with cabbage and a DEAD MOUSE??? 

Reply

RawDawgie | 0

#1651123 - Thursday 4 November 2010 22:18

I'd rather have fried mouse than boiled cabbage..

Reply

TomasT | 0

#1651140 - Thursday 4 November 2010 22:29

That mouse couldn't possibly have done the stench... that was the cabbage...

Reply

ChubbyCake | 5

#1651148 - Thursday 4 November 2010 22:31

lol something like this happen to me when I was making brownies.

I preheated the oven and heard a loud pop. My friend hid his beer in the oven so his alcoholic roommate wouldn't get it.

I am a beer killer D:

Reply

tj79 | 3

#1651534 - Friday 5 November 2010 0:59

just put ketchup on it

Reply

TheRealFamilyGuy | 5

#1651763 - Friday 5 November 2010 1:56

not many people know this but rats and mice have such good hearing that they can hear planes flying above them when underground and wherever else you find em. fun fact.

Reply

jossiegregg | 5

#1652692 - Friday 5 November 2010 5:38

more like f*ck the mouse's life!!!

Reply

Elixa | 0

#1652953 - Friday 5 November 2010 6:45

well.... did the mouse have a big dick at least?

Reply

Megan36 | 3

#1892632 - Sunday 26 December 2011 11:06

yummy I know wat im having for dinner :)

By EricaCookies | 0

#1650538 - Thursday 4 November 2010 19:00

YDI

Reply

loveyaforev | 0

#1652809 - Friday 5 November 2010 6:05

why does op deserve it? it's not like anyone could have known...

Reply

Mesocoollike | 8

#1653055 - Friday 5 November 2010 7:06

That happened to me one time... awful...

Reply

EffinAhole | 0

#1653082 - Friday 5 November 2010 7:15

2 was trying to be 1 by typing a useless comment like "YDI" to get it on here quickly. #2 you fail and you also look like you're like 9 years old. Do your parents know you're on this site?

Reply

triple_double | 1

#1653139 - Friday 5 November 2010 7:34

104 should your parents know you're on this site?

hey mom, can I read fmls pweitty pweese??

i'm sure mom knows you're reading fmls, son.

Reply

EricaCookies | 0

#1653521 - Friday 5 November 2010 9:36

ok, firstly, I'm 18 and is in university getting a law degree. and yes I know I look young for my age.

secondly, if I smell smoke and aiisnt100% sure what it I's I would check it out..

Reply

EricaCookies | 0

#1653530 - Friday 5 November 2010 9:38

wow the last bit messed up xP
I meant, "and isn't 100% sure what it is, I would check it out"

By Amgnowai | 0

#1650545 - Thursday 4 November 2010 19:02

Did you eat it? :D

Reply

desigirl2010 | 0

#1650595 - Thursday 4 November 2010 19:07

I hope she did. Can't waste food like that. People starvin out there! hide ya kids.

Reply

Penguinman909 | 7

#1650905 - Thursday 4 November 2010 20:24

Om Nom Nom Nomz?

Reply

rubina | 0

#1652272 - Friday 5 November 2010 3:40

better hide ya wife and hide yo husband too, 'cause they rapin' errbody out heya...

Reply

thecrazyasian | 3

#1653125 - Friday 5 November 2010 7:32

yuummmyyy

Reply

game94 | 0

#1743967 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 12:15

haha

By pooper19 | 3

#1650547 - Thursday 4 November 2010 19:03

I got a bucket of chicken last night with a fried mouse also WTF is goin on

By Miss_Represented | 0

#1650552 - Thursday 4 November 2010 19:03

salmon patties and boiled cabbage... That was you're first mistake...

Reply

redheadregect | 0

#1650750 - Thursday 4 November 2010 19:44

agreed

Reply

SCBeauty1983 | 0

#1650796 - Thursday 4 November 2010 19:52

My first thoughts exactly!

Reply

Zebidee | 8

#1650861 - Thursday 4 November 2010 20:11

Yeah, tell me again about the mouse option? I'm thinking I might go with that, and a nice Chianti...

Reply

cmac86 | 23

#1653408 - Friday 5 November 2010 8:45

my thoughts exactly. I was imagining the smell was what they were cooking in the first place. I can't imagine the mouse was too much worse of a smell.

By justsayfuck | 5

#1650557 - Thursday 4 November 2010 19:03

Was it any good?

Reply

dogcolon | 0

#1652329 - Friday 5 November 2010 3:50

Fuck.

By hatepineapple | 14

#1650559 - Thursday 4 November 2010 19:04

Why can't you just use beef like everyone else?

By hannahcrogers131 | 4

#1650567 - Thursday 4 November 2010 19:05

gross, but sorry......

By omfgTACOsYeSs | 0

#1650569 - Thursday 4 November 2010 19:06

good job. :/ poor mouse

Reply

CoconutBread | 0

#1653175 - Friday 5 November 2010 7:47

my thoughts exactly.

By JUST_STFU_N_GTFO | 0

#1650589 - Thursday 4 November 2010 19:07

Ewwww! Lady use mouse traps for once. Or better yet, get a cat.

=