Today, I made salmon patties and boiled cabbage. I smelled smoke... - FML

By Whitley - 4/11/2010 15:17 - United States

Today, I made salmon patties and boiled cabbage. I smelled smoke from my stove burner, but thought I spilled something in the burner. No big deal. Later, this horrible smell started coming from the stove. My husband took the stove apart, only to find that I had fried a mouse as well. FML

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By salad - 28/4/2014 15:38 - United States - North Charleston

Today, I took my girlfriend out for lunch, and I asked her if I could have a bite of her meal. She took it to mean I was calling her fat, and stormed out. FML

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By anonymous - 14/12/2011 05:42 - United States

Today, my boyfriend sent me a text that said, "I can't be seen with you anymore. You're too fat." FML

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By musicyman55 - 19/12/2009 07:48 - United States

Today, my girlfriend who I love very deeply dumped me two times, over the phone. The first time was to dump me. She then called me back a couple hours later explicitly to dump our friendship. I was just friend dumped. FML

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By Andrew Dutch Beebe - 25/8/2019 20:00

Today, I was told not to show up for work, after I showed up for work. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/7/2009 04:08 - United States

Today, I turned 23. I had asked my mom for some things to decorate my new place. As I opened the box to reveal my gift, a mirror was inside. I liked the mirror. I did not like the note attached that said "Look inside the mirror to see who is now 100% financially responsible for themselves." FML

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By arose - 8/9/2010 04:05 - United States

Today, I did a quick load of laundry so I would have work clothes for the week. I don't have my own dryer so I dried them in the one in my building. After running out to my car, I came back to find that my neighborhood kids had added 6 sharpies to my clothes. Every uniform I own has stripes. FML

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By ohhhemmgee - 6/9/2012 06:39 - United States - Reno

Today, I locked myself out of the house I was house-sitting. An hour later, and my fifth attempt at climbing the fence, I figured I'd try the door one more time. Turns out I was turning the handle the wrong way and the door wasn't locked in the first place. FML

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By InAnAwkwardSituation - 25/8/2011 05:26 - United States

Today, I walked in on my new college roommate holding his cock. He said "Hi I'm Jeffrey, and this is Jeffrey junior" while directing attention towards his penis. It's going to be a long semester. FML

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By whenlifeisalemon - 9/1/2016 23:19 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I waited patiently in the airport as my flight was repeatedly delayed. After 5 long hours I approached one of the attendees to discover that the plane had left 5 minutes ago. FML

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By Calimero - 26/4/2019 02:00

Today, I forked over a hefty sum to stay the night in a beautiful, luxurious hotel room, because back home I have a baby that doesn't sleep through the night yet. Never would I have imagined I would be staying directly next to the town nightclub. I'm still awake. FML

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By jasonnn - 30/3/2012 05:00 - Australia

Today, I brought a girl home. My dad's first reaction was to pull out the camera and snap away. She now won't reply to my texts or calls. FML

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By Alyxandrea Loffer - 25/5/2020 23:00

Small town blues

Today, our town is so bored that the most entertainment we got was on the local buy and sell trade page, where someone posted that they got someone else's package in the mail, and everyone in town spent 6 hours trying to guess what was in the box. It was actually the highlight of most of our day. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/9/2015 21:14 - United States - Jonesboro

Today, at the small daycare I run, I turned around to put something away. I heard a splashing sound and then saw one of my kids vomiting. He puked several times, and managed to hit the only rug in the entire house. FML

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By Lika1712 - 26/8/2014 22:55 - India - Mumbai

Today, while at the bakery, I stood there trying to pick between black forest and dark chocolate. The salesman said kindly, "I've heard dark chocolate helps you lose weight. Yeah, you'd definitely want dark chocolate." FML

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By Jen - 11/2/2011 09:02

Today, I opened my car door on reaching destination and my dog escaped. I never found him. My destination was the vet's office to get him micro-chipped. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/3/2012 10:53 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, a man on the subway serenaded me. That's not the issue. He was cross-eyed, making it hard for me not to laugh in his face. FML

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By sierraisfucked - 2/6/2009 07:55 - United States

Today, I was in Walmart with my mom. I was looking for some CDs I wanted and saw a cute guy. Then he nodded at me and as he started to walk towards me, I hear my name being called over the intercom. Apparently, according to my mom, it was time to go. FML

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By amilia - 7/11/2018 12:00

Today, I went on a blind date with a guy at a seafood restaurant. I explained to him that I am deathly allergic to shrimp. When the waiter took my order, he interrupted me and said, “She’ll have the shrimp," while looking me dead in the eye. FML

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By bethany - 3/11/2011 17:36 - Australia

Today, my drunk sister came in my room at 2 in the morning, sat on the side of my bed, fell off, knocked over my glass of water, which ruined my new phone, then got angry at me for getting angry with her. She then slammed my door, which made all the photo frames smash to the ground. FML

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By Z - 9/4/2011 22:29 - United Kingdom

Today, my dad decided to have a little father and daughter bonding time. Unfortunately, his idea of bonding involves him sitting around at home, getting piss drunk, and falling asleep. FML

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By awkwardgayboi - 11/3/2009 18:35 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have our first "Cybering" experience. I downloaded Skype per his instructions, and hooked up my cam. Just as everything started getting hot and heavy, I farted. He stopped and frowned. I had no idea it was a video AND voice program. FML

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By God,NotAgain,Please - 15/4/2017 19:00 - Pakistan - Karachi

Today, I re-sat an expensive exam I'd flunked 6 months previously. The same impossible multiple choice questions appeared, which I'd been unable to find the answers to, even with all my textbooks and the internet. FML

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By KalaKa - 20/12/2014 20:45 - United States

Today, I sent my girlfriend a long-overdue message telling her I feel like she doesn't really care about me any more, that it seems like she only ever calls me when she needs money, and that I'm even starting to suspect she may be cheating on me. 14 hours later, she replied: "TL;DR". FML

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By Anonymous - 10/3/2017 08:00 - United States - Voorheesville

Today, my son's obsession with memes hit a new low when he got suspended from school for running into other students yelling, "Allahu akbar." He's 15 and doesn't understand why he got in trouble. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/7/2016 11:51 - Belgium

Today, my boss refused my resignation and acted like nothing had happened. FML

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By needurlove - 15/4/2012 06:49 - United States - Sandpoint

Today, I introduced my Spanish friend to a girl I've had a crush on for a long time. Because he only spoke Spanish and she only spoke English, I was the translator. The first thing he said to her was, "You are really pretty." I translated it as "I like other men." Later, they found out. FML

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By tenniemo - 12/1/2019 04:00

Today, like for the last year, I’ve been on Tinder. I was having a great conversation with a man and we were planning a date for next week when he asked for my number. When I politely responded that I’d rather wait to exchange numbers after meeting in person, he blocked me. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/1/2011 04:30 - Ireland

Today, I had to repeat my order in Starbucks three times because the barista was staring at my chest. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/6/2016 23:29 - United Kingdom - Cannock

Today, thanks to the unholy power of autocorrect, I told my mother-in-law that "crispy dick" is on the menu tonight. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/12/2013 20:50 - United States - Ely

Today, my 19-year-old brother subjected me to yet another rant about how the writers of My Little Pony aren't writing the show for people like him any more, the "true fans", otherwise known as pimply-faced adults who don't use deodorant and only shower once a week. FML

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By KitchenFlooder - 1/2/2018 01:30

Today, I flooded my entire kitchen. The water was cut off at night and I left the faucet open without realizing. When the sound woke me up at 5am, the water reached my ankles. I frantically tried to sweep it out before my mother woke up at 6am. I didn't make it. FML

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By clumsyandhungry - 15/9/2010 04:24 - United States

Today, we were closing the restaurant early. I begin mopping as a couple walks in. The lady slips and falls, and to avoid a lawsuit, we offer them free food. After they left, I slipped on the freshly mopped kitchen floor with dishes in my hands. I didn't get free food. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/9/2015 13:29 - United Kingdom

Today, I was diagnosed with depression. My girlfriend's idea of consoling me was to break up with me because she can't date a "psycho". FML

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By Melie-Melo - 16/12/2008 07:55 - United Kingdom

Today, after repairing the toilet, the light, the shower, the cooker and the heater in the flat I've just moved into, my boiler dies. It's mid December, about 1 degree outside. FML

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By Sarsippius - 18/5/2013 05:22

Today, I took a nap, and I had a dream that my ex-girlfriend got back together with me. I woke up in a great mood. When I went back to bed, I dreamed that she broke up with me, again. FML

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By kait - 29/11/2011 05:34 - United States

Today, at work, an overweight man riding an electric cart started peeing all around the store. I had to clean it up. FML

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By chunkymonkey - 24/8/2012 13:53 - United States

Today, my boyfriend actually held onto my love handles while we were having sex. He said they "made it easier." FML

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By Anonymous - 6/8/2013 15:19 - United States - Decatur

Today, my daughter, who was born in late 2000, mentioned how amazing it is that she'll be alive during the year 3000. I asked her exactly how old she thinks she'll be by then. She said, "Thirty, duh." I've screwed up as a parent, so very badly. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/12/2009 13:08 - United States

Today, it was the last day of finals. After sleeping less than three hours in the last two days, I got in the car to go to school. For a second, I thought my steering wheel, the gas pedal, and brake pedal were all missing. That's when I realized I was sitting in the back seat. FML

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By Tuture - 30/4/2016 01:08 - France - Paris

Today, a learner driver was practicing maneuvers in the parking lot at work. This happens a lot, and my colleagues and I usually have fun watching and laughing. It was all fun and games as usual, until the learner crashed into my car. FML

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Top comments

By Miss_Represented | 0

#1650552 - Thursday 4 November 2010 19:03

salmon patties and boiled cabbage... That was you're first mistake...

By DocBastard | 38

#1650770 - Thursday 4 November 2010 19:47

You fried a mouse? That's disgusting! What the hell is wrong with you, you fucking sicko??!

You should have sauteed it in lemon butter with some shallots and garlic. Dumbass.

COMMENTS

By afghan_angel | 0

#1650536 - Thursday 4 November 2010 18:59

omg that's nasty. *barf*

Reply

harryman_bamf | 0

#1650626 - Thursday 4 November 2010 19:11

fick deine Lebe, op

Reply

XxDevilxXGt | 26

#1650764 - Thursday 4 November 2010 19:46

if it's not burned, and well cooked, have a taste xD

Reply

Lonlyboysh | 0

#1650773 - Thursday 4 November 2010 19:48

So... did you eat it?

Reply

starberries | 0

#1650808 - Thursday 4 November 2010 19:56

That is nasty. Salmon patties, yuck.

Reply

NonExistentCok | 0

#1650852 - Thursday 4 November 2010 20:10

how can u eat salmon patties with cabbage and a DEAD MOUSE??? 

Reply

RawDawgie | 0

#1651123 - Thursday 4 November 2010 22:18

I'd rather have fried mouse than boiled cabbage..

Reply

TomasT | 0

#1651140 - Thursday 4 November 2010 22:29

That mouse couldn't possibly have done the stench... that was the cabbage...

Reply

ChubbyCake | 5

#1651148 - Thursday 4 November 2010 22:31

lol something like this happen to me when I was making brownies.

I preheated the oven and heard a loud pop. My friend hid his beer in the oven so his alcoholic roommate wouldn't get it.

I am a beer killer D:

Reply

tj79 | 3

#1651534 - Friday 5 November 2010 0:59

just put ketchup on it

Reply

TheRealFamilyGuy | 5

#1651763 - Friday 5 November 2010 1:56

not many people know this but rats and mice have such good hearing that they can hear planes flying above them when underground and wherever else you find em. fun fact.

Reply

jossiegregg | 5

#1652692 - Friday 5 November 2010 5:38

more like f*ck the mouse's life!!!

Reply

Elixa | 0

#1652953 - Friday 5 November 2010 6:45

well.... did the mouse have a big dick at least?

Reply

Megan36 | 3

#1892632 - Sunday 26 December 2011 11:06

yummy I know wat im having for dinner :)

By EricaCookies | 0

#1650538 - Thursday 4 November 2010 19:00

YDI

Reply

loveyaforev | 0

#1652809 - Friday 5 November 2010 6:05

why does op deserve it? it's not like anyone could have known...

Reply

Mesocoollike | 8

#1653055 - Friday 5 November 2010 7:06

That happened to me one time... awful...

Reply

EffinAhole | 0

#1653082 - Friday 5 November 2010 7:15

2 was trying to be 1 by typing a useless comment like "YDI" to get it on here quickly. #2 you fail and you also look like you're like 9 years old. Do your parents know you're on this site?

Reply

triple_double | 1

#1653139 - Friday 5 November 2010 7:34

104 should your parents know you're on this site?

hey mom, can I read fmls pweitty pweese??

i'm sure mom knows you're reading fmls, son.

Reply

EricaCookies | 0

#1653521 - Friday 5 November 2010 9:36

ok, firstly, I'm 18 and is in university getting a law degree. and yes I know I look young for my age.

secondly, if I smell smoke and aiisnt100% sure what it I's I would check it out..

Reply

EricaCookies | 0

#1653530 - Friday 5 November 2010 9:38

wow the last bit messed up xP
I meant, "and isn't 100% sure what it is, I would check it out"

By Amgnowai | 0

#1650545 - Thursday 4 November 2010 19:02

Did you eat it? :D

Reply

desigirl2010 | 0

#1650595 - Thursday 4 November 2010 19:07

I hope she did. Can't waste food like that. People starvin out there! hide ya kids.

Reply

Penguinman909 | 7

#1650905 - Thursday 4 November 2010 20:24

Om Nom Nom Nomz?

Reply

rubina | 0

#1652272 - Friday 5 November 2010 3:40

better hide ya wife and hide yo husband too, 'cause they rapin' errbody out heya...

Reply

thecrazyasian | 3

#1653125 - Friday 5 November 2010 7:32

yuummmyyy

Reply

game94 | 0

#1743967 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 12:15

haha

By pooper19 | 3

#1650547 - Thursday 4 November 2010 19:03

I got a bucket of chicken last night with a fried mouse also WTF is goin on

By Miss_Represented | 0

#1650552 - Thursday 4 November 2010 19:03

salmon patties and boiled cabbage... That was you're first mistake...

Reply

redheadregect | 0

#1650750 - Thursday 4 November 2010 19:44

agreed

Reply

SCBeauty1983 | 0

#1650796 - Thursday 4 November 2010 19:52

My first thoughts exactly!

Reply

Zebidee | 8

#1650861 - Thursday 4 November 2010 20:11

Yeah, tell me again about the mouse option? I'm thinking I might go with that, and a nice Chianti...

Reply

cmac86 | 23

#1653408 - Friday 5 November 2010 8:45

my thoughts exactly. I was imagining the smell was what they were cooking in the first place. I can't imagine the mouse was too much worse of a smell.

By justsayfuck | 5

#1650557 - Thursday 4 November 2010 19:03

Was it any good?

Reply

dogcolon | 0

#1652329 - Friday 5 November 2010 3:50

Fuck.

By hatepineapple | 14

#1650559 - Thursday 4 November 2010 19:04

Why can't you just use beef like everyone else?

By hannahcrogers131 | 4

#1650567 - Thursday 4 November 2010 19:05

gross, but sorry......

By omfgTACOsYeSs | 0

#1650569 - Thursday 4 November 2010 19:06

good job. :/ poor mouse

Reply

CoconutBread | 0

#1653175 - Friday 5 November 2010 7:47

my thoughts exactly.

By JUST_STFU_N_GTFO | 0

#1650589 - Thursday 4 November 2010 19:07

Ewwww! Lady use mouse traps for once. Or better yet, get a cat.

=