Today, I'm the only one at work in a small office. The water... - FML

By Anonymous - 28/9/2010 14:03 - Canada

Today, I'm the only one at work in a small office. The water tank sprung a leak. Guess who had to call the boss and get instructions via cell phone to turn it off? I can't even leave the office to change my soaked clothes, because I need to wait for an important phone call. Seven hours to go. FML

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White line fever

The opposite of a good idea

Assumptions

By Adam Gordon - 30/3/2017 14:00

Today, I received a Snapchat of a horse-drawn carriage version of a hearse. I replied, "That's so extra!" because I thought it was finals week at her school. Turns out, she's at her uncle's funeral. He was an officer in the Air Force and there's going to be a 21-gun salute in his honor. FML

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By cdestarac - 10/1/2012 06:07 - United States

Today, I met my fiancé's parents for the first time. The only problem was that I was highly intoxicated. FML

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By angrymother - 27/7/2016 01:21

Today, I caught my 20 year old daughter having sex with my best friend's husband. Apparently it's my fault for coming home early. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/8/2016 17:00 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I found myself sneaking into my apartment to avoid the old lady that lives next to me. Funny enough, I moved into my own apartment because I was tired of sneaking into it to avoid my mom who lived with me. FML

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By GamerAM - 27/6/2019 22:23

Today, after over a week of trying to get a hold of my doctor for a much-needed medication refill, he finally called back. Too bad my phone got unplugged and died in the middle of the night. FML

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By InsomniacToBe - 19/7/2012 15:55 - United States - Saint George

Today, I had a dream that my ex-boyfriend had become a vicious serial killer and was hunting me down because I broke up with him. I don't know what scares me more: the way he hunted me in my sleep, or the fact that it wouldn't surprise me if it actually happened. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/8/2011 19:48 - United States

Today, a fight broke out between my 21 year old sister and our 6 year old brother. I tried to intervene, only to end up getting battered to shit in the process. According to my sister, he's going to hell for eating her candy. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/9/2009 02:53 - Canada

Today, was my wedding day and I had been preparing my speech for my husband for about 3 months. At the wedding, I poured my heart out to him. Did he do the same? My husband forgot about it and right before the wedding, took his from his first marriage and changed the name. FML

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By knoppad - 13/6/2009 19:46 - United States

Today, I was in my backyard. When I wanted to come back in the house, I tried to open the sliding door. I knew that my brother locked me out so I banged on the door very hard, causing the glass to break. It turns out that the door wasn't locked. FML

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By jocksblow - 14/11/2011 13:23 - United States

Today, I found an old jock strap in my tuba. FML

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By thanksnicksparks - 11/6/2012 05:25 - United States

Today, my girlfriend asked me if I loved her. I tried to be cute and romantic and responded with a quote from the Notebook, which I watched with her yesterday. After I said, "If you're a bird, I'm a bird," she broke up with me because I was "phony and unoriginal." FML

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By None - 8/2/2009 17:18 - United States

Today, I auditioned for the musical at my school. Before I sang my song, I gave my music to the director. She said "Oh, I love this song!". After I sang it, she told me, "Its okay, I still like the song." FML

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By Anonymous - 22/5/2019 16:00

Today, on the bus, water kept dripping on my head so I stood up to move. As I got up, the bus turned round a corner and I fell over into a man's lap. When I tried to get up, I slipped down between his legs and the next seat. FML

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By Chubs - 29/3/2009 12:32 - Norway

Today, I was playing with my kid cousin outside. It was warm, so I was wearing my new bikini, and felt pretty good about myself. She suddenly turns to me and asks: "How come your tits are so small when you have such a big belly?" FML

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By Fatty - 27/12/2010 07:15 - United States

Today, the guy I've had a crush on came over to my house. My Dad came in to see how we we're doing, looks at me and says "Man... You've REALLY been puttin' on the pounds!", pokes me in the stomach a few times, and leaves. FML

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By lostmystuff - 7/7/2013 06:35 - United States - Livermore

Today, I was moving to my new apartment. I left some furniture outside as I drove to dump the first load at my new place. When I got back, everything was gone. Apparently, today is the day the donation truck was coming around to take everything we don't need. FML

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By godzilllla - 8/8/2015 01:59 - United States - Bothell

Today, while at the local supermarket, I spotted an attractive woman packing food into a shelf. Trying to be flirty, I asked where I could find the cream cheese. Apparently, it was on the shelf right behind me. I heard her mutter "idiot" under her breath. FML

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By Talvesh - 15/12/2009 11:42 - United States

Today, I had my six month employee review. My manager said that my attendance was good, and I was exceeding my targets performance wise. My reward, a five cent per hour pay cut. Apparently the rate at which I started is too high to meet their current pay scale. FML

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By jonboy - 9/5/2009 20:11 - United Kingdom

Today, I got a new comfy duvet and pillow and was looking forward to a good night's sleep. I got into bed and was followed by my dog, who then threw up the tub of butter he had just stolen from the kitchen onto my brand new bed spread. FML

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By cheated - 23/11/2011 17:03 - United States

Today, I came home from a weekend trip with some friends, and walked straight in on my girlfriend cheating on me. She burst into tears and began apologizing. Her exact words were "I'm so sorry! I thought you were coming back tomorrow." FML

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By natural selection i guess - 9/12/2016 09:02

Today, I found out why my biology class TA, who takes the class alongside the other students, was always so eager to collect my work. Turns out, she's been erasing my name on my papers and writing hers in all semester. My failing final grade has already been finalized. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/10/2011 04:22 - United States

Today, I came home to my empty apartment. My girlfriend had left a note on the floor that said: "Took my stuff and left. Took your stuff and pawned it." FML

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By farmakakis - 21/12/2009 06:25 - Australia

Today, I wore a pair of glasses with no lenses because I thought I'd look smarter. I ended up poking myself in the eye several times, leaving it swollen. So much for making me look smarter. FML

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By Gordon - 22/7/2009 14:12 - United States

Today, I was standing by the bed naked, waiting for my wife to come out of the bathroom. She opens the door and walks over to me, swinging her hips, wearing pratically nothing. About four feet from me, she trips on the edge of the floor mat, and uses my 'junk' to catch herself. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/5/2009 05:07 - United States

Today, I got into my first car accident. Extremely upset, I called my parents, because it was their car and I didn't know what to do. I told them what happened, and asked if they were on their way to where I was. My dad's response was "Hell no, we're eating dinner." FML

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By GLX - 2/8/2017 06:00 - United States - Sand Springs

Today, I woke up to the rickety old ceiling fan above my bed crashing down on top of me. I'm fine, however I am now grounded until I can buy a new ceiling fan to replace the one I "broke". FML

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By loserr - 28/2/2014 17:13 - United States - Highland Park

Today, I made myself a hot pocket for lunch. I managed to scald myself on the red-hot cheese, and at the same time bite into the center, which was somehow still frozen solid. FML

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By NeverGonnaGetIt - 27/4/2019 12:00 - United States - Wayne

Today, I went on my 56th job interview since graduating from college 3 months ago. I am 31 years old and I spent 11 years in college. I only graduated with a Bachelor's Degree after all those years, but I am still not qualified for anything due to how long it took me to complete my degree. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/11/2009 04:04 - United States

Today, I taught my younger cousins a more effective way to brush their teeth. Tonight when I was getting them ready for bed I asked them why they weren't brushing their teeth like I taught them to. The littlest one replied "Daddy said if we do then we'll have ugly teeth like yours." FML

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By anonymous - 26/6/2016 03:50 - United States - Knoxville

Today, my boyfriend invited me over to his house. I was planning on breaking up with him while at his house. Turns out, it was a proposal party. I'm now engaged because it would've been rude to say no in front of his family that had flown in. FML

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By Emmz91 - 6/9/2019 16:00

Brain fart

Today, I couldn't open my car door from the inside. I rang my father-in-law in a panic and he opened it from the outside for me. Then he asked why I just didn't roll down the window and do it myself. FML

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By blind - 24/6/2009 12:11 - South Africa

Today, I was texting a friend of mine. She mentioned it was her dad's birthday. I typed "Tell him Happy Birthday for me!" and as I pressed send I remember her dad was dead. FML

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By Sad bitch - 18/6/2018 19:00

Today, I realized why my lavender products were no longer helping me calm down. I use lavender so much when I'm anxious that I've associated the smell with anxiety. FML

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By BUSTED. - 1/12/2015 19:02 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I punched a drunk woman who kept trying to force herself onto my husband. She turned out to be an off-duty cop. FML

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By Sara - 4/3/2009 22:42 - United States

Today, I woke up at 5:30 AM to my boyfriend flipping on the lights and shouting, "We have a problem!" Our chinchilla had gotten out of his maximum security cage, and half of our apartment is now underwater because he decided the water line that leads to the fridge would make a tasty midnight snack. FML

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By Anonynonynon - 13/2/2015 19:05 - United States - Kansas City

Today, I'm working for a company that makes over a million dollars a year, yet leaves me with no choice but to pee in a cup because they won't pay to fix the only toilet in the building. FML

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By Scottrick - 1/3/2009 17:55 - United States

Today, I was walking through Borders with my girlfriend, when we pass a girl scout cookies stand. I see a box of Samoas, my favorite, point at them, and shout, 'YEAH'. My girlfriend looks shocked. Behind the box of cookies was a five year old scout bending over, with her bottom pointed at me. FML

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By . - 27/2/2012 00:02 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my husband. We thought the house was empty so we didn't mind being loud. Apparently, my grandma thought it would be fun to give us a surprise visit. All I found was a note on the counter from her and the spare key saying "Next time, I'll call." FML

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By not a cancerous pimple - 31/1/2015 00:11 - United States - Chester Springs

Today, I felt a painful lump on my jaw. After going on Google, I was convinced I either had an infected tooth or jaw cancer. In a panic, I rushed to the dentist and told the receptionist the problem. She pulled the dentist from an appointment, and he felt around my jaw. It was just a pimple. FML

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By I don't condome that, babe - 24/7/2014 20:51 - United States - Lutz

Today, I overheard my boyfriend saying to his friends, "I never knew what real contraception was until I saw Laura's face." I'm Laura. FML

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Top comments

By thepirate19 | 3

#1469812 - Tuesday 28 September 2010 19:06

wait naked that's how I roll.

By perdix | 29

#1469820 - Tuesday 28 September 2010 19:15

If you are alone in a office and soaked, you should have brought a vibrator and had a wild fap-a-thon while you wait for that phone call.

Comments

By zackd23 | 0

#1469809 - Tuesday 28 September 2010 19:03

first

Reply

CreepyGuy666 | 2

#1469811 - Tuesday 28 September 2010 19:05

FIRST!!!

Reply

zackd23 | 0

#1469813 - Tuesday 28 September 2010 19:06

NOPE I WIN!

By CelloNerd | 0

#1469810 - Tuesday 28 September 2010 19:04

ha

By thepirate19 | 3

#1469812 - Tuesday 28 September 2010 19:06

wait naked that's how I roll.

Reply

TransitionCovery | 0

#1469855 - Tuesday 28 September 2010 19:59

first to reply to this comment!!!

Reply

nond2nv | 4

#1469859 - Tuesday 28 September 2010 20:07

The person isn't going to call for another 7 hours? If so, come back later. If they're calling at some point during the day, then leave after the call.

Also, you can easily miss the call even when you're there. What if you have to go to the bathroom?

Overall, calm down, I say.

Reply

sugarr0babby0 | 0

#1469868 - Tuesday 28 September 2010 20:28

Well that sucks.

Reply

KingDingALing | 9

#1469937 - Tuesday 28 September 2010 21:17

22 is a faggot for his comment.

Reply

MissErikaHart | 0

#1469975 - Tuesday 28 September 2010 22:02

call some1 and have them bring u some clothes

Reply

natvv | 0

#1470019 - Tuesday 28 September 2010 22:48

Maybe your peers just wanted to see you with your clothes wet down ;P

Reply

ohSNAPyall | 26

#1471197 - Wednesday 29 September 2010 1:51

And they also wanted to see you while they were invisible.

Reply

woofis | 0

#1471970 - Wednesday 29 September 2010 5:45

agree with 1

Reply

yuhimjesus | 0

#1472718 - Wednesday 29 September 2010 10:54

#24, I think she means she has 7 hours left of work, and in those 7 hours an important call is going to made that she has to be there for.

By CelloNerd | 0

#1469814 - Tuesday 28 September 2010 19:06

get a fucking life, both of you.

Reply

zackd23 | 0

#1469815 - Tuesday 28 September 2010 19:07

wow wat the

By mrahhhhh | 19

#1469817 - Tuesday 28 September 2010 19:10

Well if you're really the only one at work then you could just walk around naked... I bet that would also make your customers more satisfied; you win twice! :D

Reply

zackd23 | 0

#1469818 - Tuesday 28 September 2010 19:10

wwiiinn

By iamchuck | 0

#1469819 - Tuesday 28 September 2010 19:10

Nobody is there but you, right? Shuck the clothes and take the calls in the buff. Who's gonna know.

By perdix | 29

#1469820 - Tuesday 28 September 2010 19:15

If you are alone in a office and soaked, you should have brought a vibrator and had a wild fap-a-thon while you wait for that phone call.

Reply

coolkid101 | 0

#1469835 - Tuesday 28 September 2010 19:35

win.

Reply

Bartimaeus | 7

#1479427 - Friday 1 October 2010 3:22

perdix, how is that job you got? Just wondering- not creeping or trolling. Idk I'm bored. But seriously.

By MAGNAVOX | 0

#1469824 - Tuesday 28 September 2010 19:19

I have a feeling op has a FUUPA.

Reply

doublerainbow | 0

#1471141 - Wednesday 29 September 2010 1:43

And she has a double rainbow all the way across her FUPPA

By Randen_fml | 0

#1469828 - Tuesday 28 September 2010 19:24

call forwarding to your cell and go home.

By couth | 0

#1469830 - Tuesday 28 September 2010 19:25

On a more clothed note, that sucks. FYL.