Health: Today, I'm recovering from abdominal surgery. In addition to... - FML

By coyote - Japan

Today, I'm recovering from abdominal surgery. In addition to pain, I'm having trouble peeing and haven't pooped since Sunday, so my surgeon prescribed a laxative. Turns out I'm allergic to it. Now I'm covered in hives, even in my ears, incisions, and lady parts. I also still haven't pooped. FML

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Proactive

Walk on the wild side

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, a woman slipped on the ice in front of me. Instinctively, I caught her before she fell. Instead of thanking me, she whirled around and asked me if my *expletive* mother had taught me to grope women inappropriately. FML

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By NatchezParadox

Tinder surprised

Today, I watched as my Tinder date arrived at the coffee shop and mistook another woman for me. He never realized she was the wrong girl, and they spent the entire date together before leaving. The only similarity between me and the other woman was our hair. FML

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By ...thanks - United States

Today, my best friend confessed to me that she's a lesbian. She quickly added, "Oh, don't worry, I don't like you. You're not attractive." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend was extremely angry. He found a naked photograph of me online that he thought I'd been sending to other guys. It wasn't me. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/2/2021 20:01 - United States

Failing upwards

Today, I got my acceptance letter from Harvard University. Yay! Unfortunately, I sent it as a joke, never thinking I'd get accepted and I have absolutely no way to get there, or the money to pay for it. FML

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By goodbyeadulthood

Millennial Life

Today, my parents told me that from now on I have to share a room with my 9-year-old sister. She already called top bunk. I'm 20. FML

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By VaveJessop - 5/5/2020 20:00

Torn

Today, my 19-year-old best friend decided she's going to elope with her 30-year-old, alcoholic boyfriend, who she's only been dating for 5 months. She wants me to go with her and be her maid of honor. She says she'll never speak to me again if I don't support her terrible decision. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up, showered, and began brushing my teeth. When I started to brush my tongue I gagged, like usual, and threw up a little. What's unusual? I threw up a cockroach. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my date took nearly 10 minutes to get an erection, had to be shown where the entrance to my vagina was, since he kept missing it and poking me in the thigh, he orgasmed after only 3 thrusts, fell asleep straight away, then an hour later had the nerve to ask if I’d had fun too. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, during an episode of King of Queens that my boyfriend has seen more than once, I decided I'd try to get a little frisky. I straddled him while he was on the bed and began taking my clothes of. He pushed me out of the way and said, 'don't get naked in front of the TV.' FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while I was waiting in line at McDonalds, I found out I can sneeze, pee, and poop all at the same time. FML

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By LucklessNiceGuy - United States

Today, I was fired from my job on account of "sexual harassment" toward female employees. The harassment? Jokingly offering them foot massages when they were complaining about how their feet ached after a long shift, and complimenting them about their appearance when they felt down. FML

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By me - United States - Bronx

Today, as a part of my autobiography project for school, I needed to have 2 friends and 2 family members each write me a letter. I ended up having to forge 3 letters. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Stourport

Today, I won a meal for two in a raffle. I had no one to go with. FML

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By Username - Australia

Today, I was really stressed, so I tried to let it out by crying. It lasted about 30 seconds, and I was making fun of myself the whole time. Even my subconscious thinks I'm pathetic. FML

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By mustache girl - Canada - Magog

Today, I waxed my upper lip hair. My boyfriend later told me that he missed my mustache rubbing onto his. FML

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By Fireguy92 - United States - Dewitt

Today, as a firefighter, we were called to assist the ambulance crew with lifting a deceased patient out of a house. Little did I know, he had been dead inside for 3 weeks, and was bloated and popped like a water balloon when we attempted to move him. My girlfriend made soup for the evening meal. FML

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By loveless - Australia

Today, I realised that the last three people to see my intimate parts these last weeks were my beautician, my doctor and the lady who did my check up ultra sound. Oh, and I'm married. FML

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By ihatebadkids - United States - Hesperia

Today, I was uninvited from every family event henceforth, because I finally had it and told my sister that I can’t stand to be around her horribly misbehaved kids. They have screaming meltdown tantrums, throw and break things, start fights and steal. How am I the bad guy? FML

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By Damnsoup - United Kingdom

Today, I went to my fiancé's house to have dinner with his family for the first time. Trying to be polite at the end of the meal I went to take the plates in to the kitchen. I overestimated how heavy the half-finished soup pot was, and threw soup all over myself and future mother-in-law. FML

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By emancipate my ass

Today, I had to listen from the next room as my dad cheated on his girlfriend with his married boss. He's 57, looks like a troll, and doesn't smell much better than one either. Meanwhile I'm 24 and couldn't get laid, much less get a date, if my life depended on it. FML

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By toomuchmetal - United States

Today, I was in line at a checkout. I have quite a few facial piercings and 1/2" gauges in my ears. The very heavy cashier asks how big my gauges are and then starts telling me about how she recently got her clitoris pierced and how sometimes she has orgasms behind the register. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Rocklin

Today, I was out clubbing, when I saw a pair of very cute girls sitting at the bar, so I went over, hoping to introduce myself. I swung my leg over the stool, and through no fault of my own, sat on my own balls. I quickly got thrown out for "harassing the ladies." FML

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By perfectlybrokenx - Canada

Today, while I was on a date, I noticed my ex-boyfriend in the restaurant, and he looked sad. So I walked over to see him and jokingly said, "You look like your mom died or something!" She had. FML

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By Mikey832 - United Kingdom

Today, my brother's girlfriend and my girlfriend went out shopping. My brother's girlfriend bought a pair of killer black heels and a box of condoms. My girlfriend bought a pair of orange Crocs and a vibrator. FML

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By purrykitty - United States

Today, I tried to spice things up in the bedroom by making love to my husband in a tight leather corset. I ended up passing out. FML

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By squirrels69ing - United States

Today, I was driving back home with my mom when we saw two squirrels having sex in the road. I told her to just honk the horn. She said that I was being selfish, that sex is a beautiful thing, and that we should let them finish. We sat there for at least five minutes. FML

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By Brea - United States

Today, I wanted to annoy my sister by playing the air horn app on my iPhone. I forgot that I had headphones in. Let's just say I quickly had to change my underwear. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got my very first paycheck of $129 for over 40 hours of work. I got paid roughly $3.00 an hour. Alaska minimum is $9.50 per hour, and my HR office is refusing to answer my calls. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/11/2020 19:02 - United States - Weslaco

Show me where it hurts

Today, I learned that pregnancy makes me more prone to migraines, but the only pain killer I can take makes me vomit. So I have to choose between being in pain and vomiting for hours on end. FML

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By well scrooge you too - United States - North Myrtle Beach

Today, a customer gave me the dirtiest look ever and muttered "goody two-shoes prick" after I asked if he'd like to donate a few cents to charity. FML

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By Fattymuch - India

Today, I was online looking up ways to lose weight, get thinner and be healthier, all the while eating a slab of brownie that was half the size of my head. FML

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By lukey101 - 25/6/2020 17:02

Running commentary

Today, the Snapchat that I was taking of my car being washed, including my commentary like, "Oooh yeah, get into it baby," was replayed loudly through my car via Bluetooth while the workers were inside and all around washing it. FML

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By Anonymous - France

Today, I paid a social visit to my grandparents. While we were watching the news, a story came on about the Queen of England. I scoffed, "How is she not dead already? How old is she, anyway?" My grandmother replied, "About my age." Oops. FML

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By NotMacklemore - Australia - Heidelberg

Today, I went to a thrift store and found heaps of clothes that I loved that fit me perfectly. Then I found a special distinctive dress. My dress. My dad had thrown away heaps of my clothes and I had to buy them all back. FML

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By Never Work With Animals or Children - United States - Van Nuys

Today, I ran out of the house after my dog, tripped and knocked myself out on the railing by the front step. I woke up to my little brother lifting up the back of my dress for the neighborhood to see. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was taking a shower outside at my fiancé's beach house. I was struggling to take my bikini bottoms off so I started to walk backwards to step out of it. Little did I know that I had pushed the door open. My fiancé, his family, and my family all saw me bend over naked. FML

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By fizzie101 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend jerking off to what I thought was porn on his phone. He was actually beating it to Siri's voice. FML

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By babydoll13211 - United States

Today, I was at a friend's pool party. He lives on a lake and one of our friends wouldn't get in the water. My best friend and I decided to push him off the dock. Once we had, I turned to see my crush who had watched looked shocked. Then said "You know he can't swim right?" FML

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By Username - United States

Today, my twit of a husband admitted to falling for an internet scam involving a dead foreign politician, the promise of a share in millions of dollars currently stuck in a bank, and him having wired a large amount of our money to "bribe an official". FML

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Top comments

By drakem | 7

#1339191 - Thursday 2 September 2010 16:23

aw that sucks

By OnlyAvailableID | 28

#1339204 - Thursday 2 September 2010 16:24

That's gotta be painful.

FYL, OP, quite unfortunate series of events.

COMMENTS

By drakem | 7

#1339191 - Thursday 2 September 2010 16:23

aw that sucks

Reply

fishertruck | 0

#1339208 - Thursday 2 September 2010 16:25

I'm sorry op fyl

Reply

iTaylor | 0

#1339218 - Thursday 2 September 2010 16:25

oh poop.

Reply

nikkidancer321 | 0

#1339221 - Thursday 2 September 2010 16:25

that's the worst. sorry op

Reply

drakem | 7

#1339226 - Thursday 2 September 2010 16:26

I see what you did thar.

Reply

woopsy | 0

#1339241 - Thursday 2 September 2010 16:29

im srry! but on the bright side ... the surgery went well!!!

Reply

TransitionCovery | 0

#1339247 - Thursday 2 September 2010 16:31

Drink some Yakult.

Reply

quent10 | 0

#1339256 - Thursday 2 September 2010 16:34

EEEEeeeeyyyulllllllz

Reply

the4starr | 3

#1339267 - Thursday 2 September 2010 16:36

6- no offence but your profile looks a bit like you're doing a poop.. :S just thought it was funny

Reply

fable_fayebee | 0

#1339317 - Thursday 2 September 2010 16:58

Sounds like you have a crappy life

Reply

chenoa_fml | 0

#1339327 - Thursday 2 September 2010 17:01

ughh hives are sooo uncomfortable, I've felt your pain. that's how I learned I am allergic to penicillin when I was elementary school age :D

Reply

iTaylor | 0

#1339333 - Thursday 2 September 2010 17:03

oh sure, 18, no offense taken

Reply

Slappyzezima | 0

#1339340 - Thursday 2 September 2010 17:06

18 is probably 10 years old and laughes whenever his friends make poop jokes on the playground. or Dan Nickerson.

Reply

allenrotstein | 0

#1339379 - Thursday 2 September 2010 17:20

Fuck this! We don't need this many details...

Reply

A_50cal_goes | 0

#1339404 - Thursday 2 September 2010 17:28

BOOM Headshot!!!

Reply

rkcraig53 | 0

#1339433 - Thursday 2 September 2010 17:35

Quit already!
Nobody wants to know about you BM FAIL!

Reply

2kool4skoolyo | 0

#1339463 - Thursday 2 September 2010 17:51

I thought that girls don't poop. something smells fishy ...

Reply

DarkHelmet | 10

#1339476 - Thursday 2 September 2010 17:52

Yeah reading that just made me feel a shit load better about my day which until 2 mins ago I thought was bad. Thanks OP...and yes FYL

Reply

homicidaltendenc_fml | 0

#1339499 - Thursday 2 September 2010 18:00

Yea I agree...no one wants to hear this. And iTaylor is hot, don't make fun of her haha.

Reply

imonaboat79 | 2

#1339506 - Thursday 2 September 2010 18:03

terrible, fyl fo sho.

Reply

mini8_fml | 0

#1339585 - Thursday 2 September 2010 18:42

@18 first of all.. it doesnt look like she is pooping.. and i really hope thats not how you poop! if it is so, then you seriously need some potty training!!

Reply

coolsteve | 0

#1339697 - Thursday 2 September 2010 19:28

pics of your lady parts or it didn't happen

Reply

kruzito | 0

#1339805 - Thursday 2 September 2010 20:07

eat mexican food

Reply

mona_is_here | 10

#1339837 - Thursday 2 September 2010 20:20

64 is a WIN:)

Reply

riceplum | 0

#1339846 - Thursday 2 September 2010 20:22

try taking the buttplug out xD

Reply

skroal | 7

#1339909 - Thursday 2 September 2010 20:48

No "shit" you didn't poop.

Women don't poop.

Reply

Baker_FoCo | 0

#1339976 - Thursday 2 September 2010 21:22

Hopefully it won't turn out like that anal part in Zack and Miri. *shudder*

Reply

Lopop72 | 0

#1340092 - Thursday 2 September 2010 23:07

Fj?

Reply

luckytexan | 7

#1340247 - Thursday 2 September 2010 23:48

wow, fyl for sure!

Reply

STr8_CaLi_d0p3 | 4

#1341043 - Friday 3 September 2010 3:01

74- I wish I had a joint like that!!

Reply

jjpavo | 0

#1341777 - Friday 3 September 2010 6:07

GIRLS DONT POOP (sarcasm)

Reply

Bag3l | 0

#1342224 - Friday 3 September 2010 7:51

I see what u did there 9.

YDI for not eating your fucking veggies.

Reply

kelzen | 0

#1343128 - Friday 3 September 2010 10:46

lolololololol rofl hehehehorse

Reply

NoFatAssOnaStick | 0

#1349001 - Saturday 4 September 2010 7:52

I once had the same, but if you can still write a FML you're not even halfway of the pain. oh and eat kiwi's

By OnlyAvailableID | 28

#1339204 - Thursday 2 September 2010 16:24

That's gotta be painful.

FYL, OP, quite unfortunate series of events.

Reply

zavala96 | 0

#1920592 - Sunday 2 January 2011 10:20

OP-that doesn't happen to pretty girl
only to fugly girls

Reply

ZeroIce | 12

#3351498 - Monday 26 September 2011 22:12

lol love the picture -2

By Vanbilsen | 4

#1339210 - Thursday 2 September 2010 16:25

cool story bro but still that sucks

By yolie_fml | 0

#1339223 - Thursday 2 September 2010 16:25

How awful! :(

By NFL333 | 0

#1339238 - Thursday 2 September 2010 16:28

my perscription anal sex

Reply

coolsteve | 0

#1339724 - Thursday 2 September 2010 19:31

brilliant

Reply

acrostice | 0

#1339793 - Thursday 2 September 2010 20:02

10 win

Reply

TheAwkwardTurtle | 0

#1339902 - Thursday 2 September 2010 20:47

hahaha nasty! fyl op

Reply

Becks3_fml | 0

#2876847 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 21:45

yes yes!!

By triggerit | 5

#1339258 - Thursday 2 September 2010 16:34

poor girl without right to poop

By aliyah26 | 0

#1339260 - Thursday 2 September 2010 16:34

what a mess it's goin to be when u regulate

By SeedlessMe | 13

#1339262 - Thursday 2 September 2010 16:35

Wow. That really is Terrible! I'm so sorry girl-- Sleep it off, it's pretty much all you can do.. :(

By WiseGuy79 | 14

#1339264 - Thursday 2 September 2010 16:36

Lol @ 10
Op try eating at McDonalds it's better than any laxative out there lol

Reply

ScaryyMary | 14

#1339555 - Thursday 2 September 2010 18:25

Don't you mean Taco Bell?

Reply

WiseGuy79 | 14

#1339659 - Thursday 2 September 2010 19:18

Yeah Taco Bell would be better lol You think they have them in Japan?

Reply

ScaryyMary | 14

#1339708 - Thursday 2 September 2010 19:29

Since it's in Japan... old sushi might be a better option.

Reply

craphappened | 4

#1339930 - Thursday 2 September 2010 20:58

lots of wasabi. Plus Nato. Which is fermented beans, for those who don't know.

Reply

BigBagel | 0

#1343231 - Friday 3 September 2010 11:10

eat mos burger people in japan won't know what u mean by taco bell. Tako? ok! you'll end up not getting taco bell

Reply

cadillacgal79 | 32

#5909234 - Wednesday 9 April 2014 13:00

actually 50 I've never gotten gassy from eating Taco Bell, I guess some people handle their food differently.

By bobulant | 0

#1339281 - Thursday 2 September 2010 16:40

FYL.. Try some Epsom salts dissolved in warm water. Salty..but effective.