Today, I'm recovering from abdominal surgery. In addition to... - FML

By coyote - 2/9/2010 07:25 - Japan

Today, I'm recovering from abdominal surgery. In addition to pain, I'm having trouble peeing and haven't pooped since Sunday, so my surgeon prescribed a laxative. Turns out I'm allergic to it. Now I'm covered in hives, even in my ears, incisions, and lady parts. I also still haven't pooped. FML

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DINOSAURS!!

Goodbye Bill

Live dumping

By Anonymous - 24/6/2011 21:22 - United States

Today, my daughter was charged with multiple counts of vandalism and trespassing. It seems she's been sneaking out in the middle of the night, stealing and breaking our neighbors' lawn ornaments. Specifically garden gnomes. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/8/2011 23:19 - United States

Today, my landlord told me he is raising my rent next month. I thought he was kidding until he asked if I still wanted to live here. My landlord is also my live-in boyfriend. FML

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By SkinsCastSelection - 17/1/2011 16:44 - France

Today, my boyfriend cancelled our vacation plans because I'll be on my period, arguing that, "It wouldn't be a real holiday." FML

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By byebyeromance - 26/8/2014 01:03 - United States - State College

Today, I was cuddling my boyfriend before going to bed. He farted really loud and spat in my face as he laughed. FML

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By SadDaenerys - 13/7/2016 20:13

Today, my boyfriend of two years broke up with me because I finished the Game of Thrones books before he could finish the TV show. FML

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By Emmmsie - 8/7/2017 18:00

Today, my new passport arrived, along with my expired one and its 20-year-old picture. I was comparing the photos when my husband came to look. He laughed and said, "Time is cruel." FML

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By Anonymous - 3/6/2015 05:01 - Canada - Lansdowne

Today, I'm warning you: never spoon naked with your girlfriend after eating taco bell. The shartpocalypse just might begin in her ass and end on your stomach. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/6/2016 14:27 - United States

Today, I proposed to my boyfriend. He said yes, but is now sulking because I took away his "manhood". Jeez, sorry I didn't want to wait another 7 years for you to finally do it. FML

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By Tanner - 7/4/2012 02:26 - United States - Salem

Today, I woke up super glued to the toilet. FML

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By fuglyphotographer - 23/10/2011 18:05 - United Kingdom

Today, I uploaded my latest picture onto a photography website. It only got one comment, and even that was from someone advising me to never use the same hideous model ever again. It was a self-portrait. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/5/2009 17:46 - United States

Today, my soccer team got our warm up t-shirts that say "You can hit on us, but you can't score." After the game, a guy behind my friend asks, "Hey what does the front of your shirt say?" I replied for her, "You can hit on us." He looked at me and my friend and said, "No thanks." FML

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By clop clop clopping all the way - 20/6/2013 21:13 - United States

Today, a guy's car broke down in my street, so I helped him push it into my driveway, checked his car out, and gave it a jump start. He thanked me, then as he went to pull out, he instead smashed straight into my car. FML

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By Anonycock - 6/1/2016 17:15 - Qatar - Doha

Today, I'm so sexually deprived, I got a boner from undressing a mannequin at work. FML

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By AdriBAMF - 17/10/2009 17:11 - United States

Today, I got asked to Homecoming by the person I really like. I said yes and I was really excited. But my best friend who has liked me since the 6th grade wasn't. He went and broke my date's jaw. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/2/2014 21:29 - United Kingdom - Ipswich

Today, my boyfriend gave me a teddy bear. I thought it was a sweet thing to do, until I saw him open a slit in its back while visiting later in the day and removing a bag of weed. He gave me a teddy bear just so he could smuggle drugs past my parents. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/7/2012 10:42 - United States

Today, I was the maid of honor at my sister's wedding. I was the first one to walk down the aisle, where I managed to trip over a wire, shutting off the music and falling on my face. My family cheered and took pictures. FML

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By angie24w - 7/8/2018 23:30

Today, I had no choice but to use a porta potty. I was happy to get a clean one. I wasn't happy when a young child tried opening the door and used enough force to break the lock, showing me sitting on the toilet to the world. FML

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By Mxx - 12/3/2020 12:30 - United Kingdom

Marcel Duchamp would be proud

Today, I was looking through an old box of personal artwork when I realised the entire box was damp. This was all my own art from the past 3 years, smudged and smelling of cat urine. I was supposed to showcase some of it in a competition winning gallery this month. FML

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By louie - 31/1/2012 20:17 - United States

Today, I went to see a doctor about some of the memory problems I've been having. After the appointment, I could barely remember a thing he told me. FML

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By Anonymos_fmler - 21/10/2014 00:38 - United States - Franklin Park

Today, I was shopping when a woman stopped me and asked me what lipgloss I was wearing because my lips looked gorgeous. I had to explain to her it was just the grease from the Slim Jim I had just eaten. FML

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By jessi - 2/12/2011 13:22 - United States

Today, I told my son he couldn't have a toy. He threw a fit, looked me in the eye, and screamed, "Daddy's right! You are a bitch!" The whole store was watching. FML

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By anon - 11/5/2009 20:37 - United States

Today, I got my wisdom teeth out. Due to the drugs they gave me I felt nauseous. When I went to the bathroom as a precaution I did not throw up. Instead I passed out face first in the toilet. FML

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By Username - 28/2/2012 00:37 - United States

Today, my friend and I were playing football in the street, when out of nowhere a homeless man sucker punches me in the gut, grabs my football, and runs away laughing like a maniac. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/10/2012 06:33 - Canada - Toronto

Today, at work my boss called me into his office because he had received multiple complaints from coworkers about a prank sound machine I have been using to make inappropriate fart sounds at my desk. I wish it was a fart machine; I have a condition. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2009 02:15 - United States

Today, I decided to take a personal day from class and e-mailed all of my profs saying I had flu symptoms. While standing in line at Starbucks later, someone behind me says "Glad you're feeling better. Hope you can attend class tomorrow, we'll discuss lying." It was my Ethics professor. FML

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By ray - 17/11/2011 11:22 - United States

Today, I learned how hard it is to remove peanut butter from your own eye. FML

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By pizzachest - 19/8/2011 13:11 - Canada

Today, I discovered that I won't be able to wear the dress with a low neck line that I bought for my cousin's wedding, because my older brother thought it would be funny to mix a scented body-wash that he knows makes my skin break out in hives, with my regular one. My chest looks like a pizza. FML

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By that guy - 6/2/2015 16:56 - United States - Atascadero

Today, my girlfriend told her parents that she's pregnant. We have never even come close to having sex, but she told them I'm the father. Not only is my girlfriend cheating on me, but her father now wants me dead. FML

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By COCKYmanUSC - 12/9/2011 02:50 - United States

Today, I was the victim of a drive-by. The attackers used water guns. FML

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By heart of cold - 11/1/2016 09:12 - United States

Today, my roommate invited a couple of homeless gentlemen in to our house. After drinking all our beer, throwing up on our carpet, and repeatedly asking if we were planning on killing them, I asked them to leave. My roommate told them they're welcome back anytime. FML

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By AnonThoughts - 24/10/2019 06:00

Fighting fit

Today, my body is so messed up that I pulled a muscle in my side while farting. FML

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By Mike - 31/10/2009 04:22 - United Kingdom

Today, my 5 year old daughter figured out how to use the microwave, microwaving my brand new 3G iphone. It was completely wrecked. So was the microwave. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/9/2016 13:36 - Estonia - Tartu

Today, at the hardware store, I had to physically restrain my senile grandpa from trying to take a crap in one of the display toilets. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/3/2012 07:33 - United States

Today, I got pulled over for drunk driving. This is the second time its happened. I was completely sober both times. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/9/2011 08:17 - South Africa

Today, my girlfriend gave me a speech on me "not being manly enough". I started crying. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/1/2012 10:45 - Russian Federation

Today, I got home from my 6-week vacation. Apparently, my mum cleaned my room for me while I was gone because my vibrator was neatly tucked into my blanket, next to my pillow instead of being hidden under my bed. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/12/2013 06:02 - Norway

Today, during a job interview, I was offered a sandwich. I politely declined, explaining that I'm a coeliac and would probably get very sick. He said coeliac disease "isn't real" and that gluten-free eating is just a fad. I had to leave when he kept pushing me to accept it. FML

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By ren - 13/1/2009 20:54 - United States

Today, I went to work only to serve one table, make a $9.00 tip, get sent home because it was slow, have the city busses stop running because of weather, and have to pay a $20 cab fare to get home. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/1/2015 00:26 - United States - Eureka

Today, I moved into my new apartment complex. I left some items including a cherished painting my best friend made for me outside the front door while I moved furniture into my bedroom. When I went back outside, someone had kicked a huge hole in the painting. Welcome to the neighborhood. FML

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By -__- - 26/12/2015 13:41

Today, I showed my husband a recipe for the meal I wanted us to make tonight. He saw cumin was an ingredient and broke into hysterics. By the time he managed to stop laughing, he gasped that he couldn't eat something "with cumin it" and broke down laughing again. FML

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Top comments

By drakem | 7

#1339191 - Thursday 2 September 2010 16:23

aw that sucks

By OnlyAvailableID | 28

#1339204 - Thursday 2 September 2010 16:24

That's gotta be painful.

FYL, OP, quite unfortunate series of events.

Comments

By drakem | 7

#1339191 - Thursday 2 September 2010 16:23

aw that sucks

Reply

fishertruck | 0

#1339208 - Thursday 2 September 2010 16:25

I'm sorry op fyl

Reply

iTaylor | 0

#1339218 - Thursday 2 September 2010 16:25

oh poop.

Reply

nikkidancer321 | 0

#1339221 - Thursday 2 September 2010 16:25

that's the worst. sorry op

Reply

drakem | 7

#1339226 - Thursday 2 September 2010 16:26

I see what you did thar.

Reply

woopsy | 0

#1339241 - Thursday 2 September 2010 16:29

im srry! but on the bright side ... the surgery went well!!!

Reply

TransitionCovery | 0

#1339247 - Thursday 2 September 2010 16:31

Drink some Yakult.

Reply

quent10 | 0

#1339256 - Thursday 2 September 2010 16:34

EEEEeeeeyyyulllllllz

Reply

the4starr | 3

#1339267 - Thursday 2 September 2010 16:36

6- no offence but your profile looks a bit like you're doing a poop.. :S just thought it was funny

Reply

fable_fayebee | 0

#1339317 - Thursday 2 September 2010 16:58

Sounds like you have a crappy life

Reply

chenoa_fml | 0

#1339327 - Thursday 2 September 2010 17:01

ughh hives are sooo uncomfortable, I've felt your pain. that's how I learned I am allergic to penicillin when I was elementary school age :D

Reply

iTaylor | 0

#1339333 - Thursday 2 September 2010 17:03

oh sure, 18, no offense taken

Reply

Slappyzezima | 0

#1339340 - Thursday 2 September 2010 17:06

18 is probably 10 years old and laughes whenever his friends make poop jokes on the playground. or Dan Nickerson.

Reply

allenrotstein | 0

#1339379 - Thursday 2 September 2010 17:20

Fuck this! We don't need this many details...

Reply

A_50cal_goes | 0

#1339404 - Thursday 2 September 2010 17:28

BOOM Headshot!!!

Reply

rkcraig53 | 0

#1339433 - Thursday 2 September 2010 17:35

Quit already!
Nobody wants to know about you BM FAIL!

Reply

2kool4skoolyo | 0

#1339463 - Thursday 2 September 2010 17:51

I thought that girls don't poop. something smells fishy ...

Reply

DarkHelmet | 10

#1339476 - Thursday 2 September 2010 17:52

Yeah reading that just made me feel a shit load better about my day which until 2 mins ago I thought was bad. Thanks OP...and yes FYL

Reply

homicidaltendenc_fml | 0

#1339499 - Thursday 2 September 2010 18:00

Yea I agree...no one wants to hear this. And iTaylor is hot, don't make fun of her haha.

Reply

imonaboat79 | 2

#1339506 - Thursday 2 September 2010 18:03

terrible, fyl fo sho.

Reply

mini8_fml | 0

#1339585 - Thursday 2 September 2010 18:42

@18 first of all.. it doesnt look like she is pooping.. and i really hope thats not how you poop! if it is so, then you seriously need some potty training!!

Reply

coolsteve | 0

#1339697 - Thursday 2 September 2010 19:28

pics of your lady parts or it didn't happen

Reply

kruzito | 0

#1339805 - Thursday 2 September 2010 20:07

eat mexican food

Reply

mona_is_here | 10

#1339837 - Thursday 2 September 2010 20:20

64 is a WIN:)

Reply

riceplum | 0

#1339846 - Thursday 2 September 2010 20:22

try taking the buttplug out xD

Reply

skroal | 7

#1339909 - Thursday 2 September 2010 20:48

No "shit" you didn't poop.

Women don't poop.

Reply

Baker_FoCo | 0

#1339976 - Thursday 2 September 2010 21:22

Hopefully it won't turn out like that anal part in Zack and Miri. *shudder*

Reply

Lopop72 | 0

#1340092 - Thursday 2 September 2010 23:07

Fj?

Reply

luckytexan | 7

#1340247 - Thursday 2 September 2010 23:48

wow, fyl for sure!

Reply

STr8_CaLi_d0p3 | 4

#1341043 - Friday 3 September 2010 3:01

74- I wish I had a joint like that!!

Reply

jjpavo | 0

#1341777 - Friday 3 September 2010 6:07

GIRLS DONT POOP (sarcasm)

Reply

Bag3l | 0

#1342224 - Friday 3 September 2010 7:51

I see what u did there 9.

YDI for not eating your fucking veggies.

Reply

kelzen | 0

#1343128 - Friday 3 September 2010 10:46

lolololololol rofl hehehehorse

Reply

NoFatAssOnaStick | 0

#1349001 - Saturday 4 September 2010 7:52

I once had the same, but if you can still write a FML you're not even halfway of the pain. oh and eat kiwi's

By OnlyAvailableID | 28

#1339204 - Thursday 2 September 2010 16:24

That's gotta be painful.

FYL, OP, quite unfortunate series of events.

Reply

zavala96 | 0

#1920592 - Sunday 2 January 2011 10:20

OP-that doesn't happen to pretty girl
only to fugly girls

Reply

ZeroIce | 12

#3351498 - Monday 26 September 2011 22:12

lol love the picture -2

By Vanbilsen | 4

#1339210 - Thursday 2 September 2010 16:25

cool story bro but still that sucks

By yolie_fml | 0

#1339223 - Thursday 2 September 2010 16:25

How awful! :(

By NFL333 | 0

#1339238 - Thursday 2 September 2010 16:28

my perscription anal sex

Reply

coolsteve | 0

#1339724 - Thursday 2 September 2010 19:31

brilliant

Reply

acrostice | 0

#1339793 - Thursday 2 September 2010 20:02

10 win

Reply

TheAwkwardTurtle | 0

#1339902 - Thursday 2 September 2010 20:47

hahaha nasty! fyl op

Reply

Becks3_fml | 0

#2876847 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 21:45

yes yes!!

By triggerit | 5

#1339258 - Thursday 2 September 2010 16:34

poor girl without right to poop

By aliyah26 | 0

#1339260 - Thursday 2 September 2010 16:34

what a mess it's goin to be when u regulate

By SeedlessMe | 13

#1339262 - Thursday 2 September 2010 16:35

Wow. That really is Terrible! I'm so sorry girl-- Sleep it off, it's pretty much all you can do.. :(

By WiseGuy79 | 14

#1339264 - Thursday 2 September 2010 16:36

Lol @ 10
Op try eating at McDonalds it's better than any laxative out there lol

Reply

ScaryyMary | 14

#1339555 - Thursday 2 September 2010 18:25

Don't you mean Taco Bell?

Reply

WiseGuy79 | 14

#1339659 - Thursday 2 September 2010 19:18

Yeah Taco Bell would be better lol You think they have them in Japan?

Reply

ScaryyMary | 14

#1339708 - Thursday 2 September 2010 19:29

Since it's in Japan... old sushi might be a better option.

Reply

craphappened | 4

#1339930 - Thursday 2 September 2010 20:58

lots of wasabi. Plus Nato. Which is fermented beans, for those who don't know.

Reply

BigBagel | 0

#1343231 - Friday 3 September 2010 11:10

eat mos burger people in japan won't know what u mean by taco bell. Tako? ok! you'll end up not getting taco bell

Reply

cadillacgal79 | 32

#5909234 - Wednesday 9 April 2014 13:00

actually 50 I've never gotten gassy from eating Taco Bell, I guess some people handle their food differently.

By bobulant | 0

#1339281 - Thursday 2 September 2010 16:40

FYL.. Try some Epsom salts dissolved in warm water. Salty..but effective.