Miscellaneous: Today, I'm mad at my dad for forgetting it's my birthday. He's... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 94

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Lightning Bolt

By LightningRod - 18/10/2021 11:00

Spicy

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 212

You deserved it 24

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 490

You deserved it 133

12/01/2016 14:44

Today, I'm mad at my dad for forgetting it's my birthday. He's mad at me for not reminding him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 716

You deserved it 1 887

Dysfunctional

But there's panic on the streets of Carlisle

Weird reason to leave, but OK

05/09/2010 19:20

Today, I bleached my hair for the new school year. Instead of blonde, it came out orange, making my hair resemble a bloated pumpkin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 605

You deserved it 32 423

19/09/2010 00:36

Today, my bag, including phone, money, keys and cards, was stolen. In a church. During my wedding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 342

You deserved it 3 123

16/06/2013 04:54

Today, my husband threw up on me during our wedding vows. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 939

You deserved it 4 572

04/06/2009 14:46

Today, my fiancé of two years told me he was bored of me and he'd just prolonged the engagement to see if anyone more interesting would come along in the mean time. He was upset because no one did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 337

You deserved it 3 574

15/10/2014 04:55

Today, my brother and I were talking about Ebola, when he says he would love to have the disease because of how famous it would make him. Plus, his college essays about him "fighting through the disease" would be "phenomenal". FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 109

You deserved it 3 606

02/01/2013 21:53

Today, my dog died. We planned to get her cremated and keep the ashes. My sister put forward the idea of putting the ashes in our food so our dog can be "inside of us, always." She's completely serious. I'm scared to eat food from her now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 272

You deserved it 2 466

30/09/2009 15:12

Today, I went to the coffee shop for my usual morning latte before class. When I got my drink, I asked again to make sure it was soy. The barista assured me it was. It wasn't. I'm ridiculously lactose intolerant and just spent six hours throwing up because she was too lazy to correct her mistake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 352

You deserved it 3 847

18/02/2009 22:26

Spicy

Today, my mom cleaned up my room. I had a drawer filled with condoms, 2 vibrators, and a bondage kit. She organized the condoms and vibrators in a shoe box. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 834

You deserved it 58 481

Thanks Karen

By Anonymous - 26/08/2014 15:30

Today, I was taking a customer's order, when she said she'd better go for a salad, because she was getting fat. She was actually very slim, so I told her she wasn't fat at all. She took one look at me and snorted "Yeah, not compared to you, that's for sure." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 589

You deserved it 4 337

28/03/2013 07:53

Spicy

Today, I finished installing remote access CCTV cameras around my house due to the high rate of burglaries around my neighborhood. I turn it on to see my teenage son rubbing one out on the couch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 779

You deserved it 24 711

17/07/2009 22:40

Today, I was pulled over for speeding. I speak 4 languages and thought if I spoke French, the Officer would let me off with a warning thinking I was a tourist. Afterwards I turned to my wife and said "I can't believe that worked." He was a few feet away and heard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 473

You deserved it 104 523

26/03/2016 05:51

Today, I brought my best painting yet to college. I showed it off and everyone loved it. Or almost everyone. When we came back from lunch break, we found someone had sharpied the words "JIZZ BUTT" all over it. That painting took two weeks to finish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 435

You deserved it 1 969

25/08/2012 19:11

Today, I had to hunt down and collect a stray dog's feces for my parasitology class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 132

You deserved it 3 487

01/07/2011 05:56

Today, after weeks, I've finally reached my goal and lost 10 lbs. My sister got jealous about me losing weight, and told my parents and coworkers that I'm anorexic. Hello, intervention. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 163

You deserved it 3 105

12/05/2010 09:49

Today, I decided to go on a diet to lose some weight before summer. This was followed by the arrival of a giant parcel full of candy from my mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 213

You deserved it 5 970

Caught red-handed

By caught - 09/01/2012 00:43

Spicy

Today, I was bored and started touching myself watching TV. My mother walked into my bedroom with a phone in her hand and yelled, "Stop jacking off and talk to your grandmother." FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 254

You deserved it 36 149

05/12/2016 17:01

Today, the guy I've been dating for 3 months told me he doesn't know how he feels about me because he's not excited when we meet and doesn't miss me when we don't text for a while. He decides to tell me this while we're laying in bed right after having sex for the first time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 895

You deserved it 1 176

Nightmare Fuel

By anon - 01/06/2018 01:30

Today, at work, I had a coughing fit so bad I actually shat myself. What felt like a gallon of liquid crap poured down my trouser leg onto the floor. I work in a competitive office and this happened in front of 30 spiteful coworkers who love posting pics online. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 558

You deserved it 334

11/09/2012 07:02

Spicy

Today, I was in a mall bathroom when two girls started making out in the stall next to me. Before I could leave, they got really into it and caused our shared wall to tear from its hinges and collapse on top of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 115

You deserved it 3 041

20/08/2013 08:06

Today, I had to endure my girlfriend crying and screaming at me. The reason? I'm not able to please her like the fictional character Christian Grey in 50 Shades of Grey. When she left me, she took all her stuff and left me with copies of the 3 books. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 336

You deserved it 4 410

31/01/2014 18:46

Today, on my first day at my new job delivering mail, I was yelled at by a guy, who threatened to shoot me if I "trespassed" on his property. He made me toss his mail toward his porch from the street, before telling me to get lost. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 263

You deserved it 3 342

Fast food dinner

By anonymous - 18/12/2019 20:00

Today, I called my husband and asked him what he wanted from our favorite fast food place. A divorce. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 123

You deserved it 171

19/06/2012 16:38

Today, I got into a huge fight with a girl at school. My mom and dad decided to punish me by letting my three older brothers pick out my wardrobe for the next week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 861

You deserved it 17 256

12/01/2009 09:37

Today, my 5 year-old daughter watched me getting dressed in the bathroom and asked, "Mum, when my boobs grow, will they droop like yours?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 850

You deserved it 3 464

27/02/2019 18:00

Today, I was fired from my job. Why? My boss didn't like that my manager and I are friends outside of work, and he thinks we are sleeping together. She's gay and I live with my boyfriend of 5 years. He blamed it on me wearing the wrong shoes 3 weeks ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 351

You deserved it 150

28/02/2012 13:27

Today, I get to stand in the unemployment line for the second time in a year because my company can't pay me. My parents own the company. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 063

You deserved it 3 167

06/08/2015 19:37

Spicy

Today, after ranting to my best friend about how all our friends are having kids and how teenage pregnancy will ruin their lives, she announced to me that she's pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 600

You deserved it 7 304

Organisation rules

By Anonymous - 18/01/2021 02:01

Today, my college is so intent on teaching us teamwork that we hardly ever get to do any assignment by ourselves. Even if we could do it better alone. Even if we spend half our time trying to find a slot where all the team members are free to meet. And of course it’s a different team for each task. FML

I agree, your life sucks 799

You deserved it 68

08/07/2013 14:48

Today, I had to get an MRI. I double and triple checked to make sure there was no out-of-pocket cost. When I arrived at the testing center, I was expected to pay full price for the test. It costs $2,360. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 464

You deserved it 3 915

12/08/2009 12:57

Today, while studying in the middle of the night, my dad came home drunk. I helped him to the sofa and after clearing up his mess, he started going on about how useless my sister Vanessa was, and how good a daughter I am. I am Vanessa. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 159

You deserved it 3 123

14/03/2012 15:17

Today, I was chatting to a nice girl at the mall, and I said if she didn't get a raise, I would write to the management. She said they have no email address, and I replied that I meant an actual letter. "Like, on paper?" she said, "Damn, how old are ya, pops?" I want a ticket off this planet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 266

You deserved it 3 615

27/08/2012 22:21

Today, I was dumped by my boyfriend. He claimed that it's because he's an agent fighting the Mafia, and he doesn't want to put my life at risk through reprisal attacks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 554

You deserved it 2 599

27/08/2017 20:00

Today, I got my wisdom teeth removed and took the pain medicine that the oral surgeon prescribed for me before bed. The pain actually did go away for the most part, until my stomach decided to betray me and make me throw up, forcing my jaw to open more than it could after surgery. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 542

You deserved it 252

21/11/2018 03:00

Today, my wife, being very considerate, bought me a new phone for my birthday. That would be fine and dandy if cops didn't enter my house and say I stole it. Turns out my wife payed $900 from MY credit card to the person who stole the phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 885

You deserved it 176

Rocky VIX

By Anonymous - 29/09/2019 20:06

Today, I was laying with my face dangling down the side of my bed, when my kitten rushed up to me looking worried. He sniffed me for a while, then decided the best thing to do was to stand on his hind legs and start punching my face like a speed bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 295

You deserved it 326

25/08/2009 21:14

Today, I tried to surprise my parents on their first day back from New York with candles I made. I used actual lavender flecks from our garden for the scent in the candles. My plan worked until the lavender caught on fire which then spread to all of our mail and newspapers. Welcome home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 185

You deserved it 11 678

05/09/2010 10:56

Spicy

Today, after having a fight with my boyfriend, we had what I thought to be the best make-up sex, because he seemed so happy and upbeat. Turns out he misunderstood. He was happy because he thought it was break-up sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 515

You deserved it 6 339

02/04/2016 13:38

Today, the coach bus I was riding almost crashed. I was using the restroom at the time. The bus braked so hard, I peed all over the wall and splashed my shirt. Nobody wanted to sit anywhere near me after that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 451

You deserved it 1 695

15/02/2012 19:26

Today, I fought back with words against a bully. He cried, and I got detention. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 005

You deserved it 2 940

Pride and joy

By Unproud daddy moment - 19/03/2021 16:00

Today, my wife refuses to admit our 13-year-old son has no chance in hell of getting into college. He never got more than an E or an F on his exams, routinely misspells his own name, can't remember our address and I just watched him spend 10 minutes looking for his lost hat which, by the way, was on his head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 177

You deserved it 247

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Wednesday 13 January 2016 1:29

Well im not your father but Happy Birthday!!!!

InfestedCarOwner 15

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Wednesday 13 January 2016 1:35

Your dad sure is a special kind of asshole, huh?

Comments

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Wednesday 13 January 2016 1:29

Well im not your father but Happy Birthday!!!!

crudeandrudeguy 29

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Wednesday 13 January 2016 1:37

As far as you know...

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Wednesday 13 January 2016 1:47

O.o good point sir buttttt im not an asshole I wouldn't forget

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Wednesday 13 January 2016 2:06

But #1 is a lady, so they would have had to be to be OP's mother? O.o

XxDanno316xX 27

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Wednesday 13 January 2016 3:09

14, I feel like you missed the joke mate :)

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Wednesday 13 January 2016 3:32

hmm I dont remember having children. well im a crappy parent then

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Wednesday 13 January 2016 1:29

That's just shitty..

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Wednesday 13 January 2016 1:30

And happy Birthday by the way!

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Wednesday 13 January 2016 1:33

A vicious cycle of people being mad at each other!

UncleCaitlyn 21

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Wednesday 13 January 2016 1:33

To get him back put a fake spider on his phone

InfestedCarOwner 15

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Wednesday 13 January 2016 1:35

Your dad sure is a special kind of asshole, huh?

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Wednesday 13 January 2016 3:58

A bleached asshole

thefmlman2011 35

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Wednesday 13 January 2016 4:44

hahahaha

Scarylizard1798 23

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Wednesday 13 January 2016 1:36

Ah parents

nzhx 23

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Wednesday 13 January 2016 1:36

Happy birthday, OP! I'm sorry it seems to not have gone as nicely as you'd hoped, but I'm sure despite his pride, your father is wishing you a happy one as well

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Wednesday 13 January 2016 1:39

Your dad is an asshat but happy birthday

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Wednesday 13 January 2016 1:56

Hey it's my birthday too! Happy birthday OP!