Today, I'm mad at my dad for forgetting it's my birthday. He's... - FML

By Anonymous - 12/1/2016 14:44

Today, I'm mad at my dad for forgetting it's my birthday. He's mad at me for not reminding him. FML

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Proactive

Emergency haircut

Rich people problems

By Cicie - 27/1/2017 03:06 - United States - Weatherford

Most good songs are

Today, I discovered that one of my favourite, relatable sad songs is actually a song about gay sex. FML

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By madi - 15/4/2011 19:13 - United States

Today, I woke up with my eye swollen half shut. To spare the embarrassment, I asked my mom if I could stay home from school. She said no, but also attempted to make me feel better by saying that with my eye, my acne was unnoticeable. FML

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By fuck florida - 16/5/2014 19:26 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I walked in on my mom showing her friends that she can deepthroat a banana. That's something I could've lived a long and happy life without seeing. FML

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By mynoseburns - 22/2/2010 19:32 - United States

Today, I sneezed while I was throwing up into the toilet. It turns out that throwing up is even less pleasant when the puke violently shoots out through your nose. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/10/2019 00:01 - United States - Austin

Denied

Today, an Air Force recruiter called me. I've been wanting to join the Air Force for 5 years now. After chatting on the phone with him for 10 minutes, I mentioned to him that I had asthma. He quickly told me I can't join any of the military branches, and to have a good day. FML

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By The Dishwasher - 7/6/2017 15:00 - Canada - Guelph

Today, I started work at catering company. I was aware that I'd be cleaning dishes, but they forgot to warn me how many. Needless to say, after polishing 527 glasses, my hands hurt. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/11/2018 05:00

Today, I was denied an animal adoption because I said "babies" instead of "kittens". Apparently that means I'm not serious about pet ownership. What?! FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2015 11:45 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, my wannabe psychologist of a brother accused me of lying about all the violence and emotional abuse my ex inflicted on me, all because I went into "too much detail" when describing it, which he says is something only liars do. Thanks for the support. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/11/2012 18:34 - United States - Erie

Today, after being a germaphobe for almost ten years and refusing to go out to restaurants because of it, I finally had the courage to face my fear, and went to dinner with my family. After three bites into my salad, I found a dead bug in it. FML

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By elcee1987 - 6/10/2015 20:42 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I took my niece to the zoo. She was crying so I pointed out the chimpanzee to distract her. At the same time, he sat down and began to jack off. My niece won't stop making the same motion. FML

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By Hannah - 13/6/2013 16:19 - Australia - Caulfield North

Today, my boyfriend dumped me, accusing me of lying to him about "being a hermaphrodite". His almost total lack of knowledge about female anatomy led him to believe that my clitoris is actually an extremely tiny penis. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/11/2010 15:16 - Canada

Today, I found out that my boyfriend has been cheating on me by finding orange panties in my closet. His excuse was "they're a Christmas gift." Thanks honey, I get panties that won't fit, and have little brown streaks. FML

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By Beva - 17/1/2013 05:03 - Sweden - Falk?ping

Today, due to technical problems, I had to call the company's IT-support as my computer went totally haywire. I explained via phone that I couldn't access anything. The support then tried contacting me by e-mail and got upset with me when I didn't answer. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/11/2010 09:34 - United States

Today, I had a headache when I woke up for school. I had final exams that day, so I took what I thought were 2 advils. They were two sleeping pills. FML

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By Regina - 3/7/2009 06:19 - United States

Today, I got a job selling knives. I had training for 11 hours. At the end of the training session, the instructor promptly informed everyone that they had to pay $145 for a set of demo knives. I paid the $145. I went home and learned that it was a scam. I went back for a refund. They said no. FML

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By dumpyhair - 16/8/2019 04:04

Today, my boyfriend dumped me because he, "just can't keep dating a girl with so many split ends." FML

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By SickSmick - 9/2/2010 12:22 - United Kingdom

Today, I have the flu, food poisoning and I'm on my period. I have enough liquids pouring out of me from various holes to satisfy a sewer. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/6/2009 22:24 - United States

Today, I brought a friend who I have loved for years out to a nice restaurant for dinner. I ordered an expensive bottle of wine, and poured each of us a glass. As I was about to tell her I loved her, she raised her glass for a toast and said "A toast to friendship!" FML

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By Anonymous - 15/8/2016 17:00 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I found myself sneaking into my apartment to avoid the old lady that lives next to me. Funny enough, I moved into my own apartment because I was tired of sneaking into it to avoid my mom who lived with me. FML

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By my ears are dying - 22/6/2011 18:37 - United States

Today, my five year old niece decided to wake me up by shoving blasting earphones in my ears. Five hours later I can still hear Justin Bieber shrieking "Baby". FML

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By comeonnow - 25/9/2016 18:53 - United States - Coldwater

Today, my mom's boss reversed into my parked car. She expects me to say that it's my fault so she doesn't have her insurance increase. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/7/2019 02:00

Today, I figured out my boyfriend gets out of jail in less than six months. First off, I have a boyfriend in jail. Second, I also realized I'd much prefer he stay in than get out. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/1/2017 18:00

Today, I told my girlfriend that I miss the amazing sex life we used to have, as we haven't had sex in months. She accidentally blurted out, "Well, I've still got one." It seems our neighbour has taken over my role in the bedroom. FML

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By MissArizona - 8/8/2011 14:12 - United States

Today, my dad shaved his head. This wouldn't be so bad if he didn't expect me to address him as "Captain Picard" 24/7 now. He won't answer me otherwise. FML

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By Cantunsee - 26/8/2018 06:00

Today, I found out just how close my boyfriend has been getting to our new neighbour's teenage son. I came home from work to find them on my bed and my "straight" boyfriend head down ass up. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/8/2019 06:00

Today, my boyfriend would not ride in my convertible with the top down because he "didn't want to mess up his hair." My boyfriend is prissier than I am. FML

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By handyjon - 1/3/2011 03:00 - United States

Today, I unclogged a toilet. With my hand. For the second time this week. FML

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By georgiahick - 30/12/2011 14:09

Today, my boyfriend asked me to 'spice things up in the bedroom'. When I asked how, he said I could try wearing a paper bag over my head. FML

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By AloneAgainNaturally - 9/9/2016 21:03 - United States - Charlottesville

Today, I found nudes on my boyfriend's phone. We've been together 14 years. They weren't of me. FML

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By - 12/1/2017 20:00

Today, after 3 years of unemployment and 6 months of hard studying, I found out I hadn't actually registered myself for the public service exam that will happen later this month and could finally get me a job. FML

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By awkward O_o - 24/4/2013 21:15 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I found out that my roommate has a masturbation problem; the problem is that he does it in my bed. FML

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By thermos - 3/2/2009 23:47 - United States

Today, I had a sexy dream, woke up and started to masturbate quite vigorously. When I finished, I hopped off the top bunk naked to see my brother and his girlfriend laying in the bottom bunk. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/12/2012 09:28 - Australia - Weston

Today, I thought it would be nice to park my new car under a big, shady oak tree to prevent it from heating up in the sun. The big, shady oak tree thought it would be nice to shed a massive branch on top of my new car. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/5/2009 06:45 - Canada

Today, I was drunk and crashed on my friend's couch to sober up. On the drive home, a cop pulled me over for seemingly no reason. He kept asking if I had been drinking, to which I answered no. Finally, he told me to look in the mirror. My friends had written all over my face while I slept. FML

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By whatisthisidonteven - 23/9/2012 09:23 - Israel - Ramat Gan

Today, I was scheduled for an interview at a local firm owned by two partners. The secretary told me to be there at around 12:00 to 12:30 pm, so I arrived at 12:15. The first boss told me off for being early, the other one yelled at me for being late. FML

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By millzee - 17/1/2009 17:41 - United States

Today, I spent 6 hours on an airplane next to an alcoholic Pink Floyd fanatic. I must've drifted off because when I took a trip to the bathroom I noticed that my pant leg that had been closest to the drunk man was soaking wet. I returned to my seat. He was on his side, facing me. I smelt the wet spot. Not beer. FML

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By thanks a lot mom - 28/12/2015 06:52 - United States - Sloughhouse

Today, my mom and I went to exchange a massive stuffed animal, which was meant for my niece. I was carrying it when I saw a really hot guy looking at me funny. My mom snickered and told him that I never go anywhere without "George". FML

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By Anonymous - 14/7/2010 06:14 - United States

Today, I made brownies for my co-workers. My boss called me into his office, and I though he was going to compliment me on the baking. Instead, he talked about how his 5-year-old daughter can make brownies better than me. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/11/2015 23:22 - Sweden - Uppsala

Today, while walking to my flat, I spotted something white hanging over the handle bar of my parked bike. It was a very used diaper. FML

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By anon. - 17/1/2012 23:41 - United States

Today, I found out if I refuse my boyfriend anything in public, he will continually yell out, "Penis!" until he gets his way. FML

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Top comments

By mld4657 | 28

#6508806 - Wednesday 13 January 2016 1:29

Well im not your father but Happy Birthday!!!!

By InfestedCarOwner | 15

#6508822 - Wednesday 13 January 2016 1:35

Your dad sure is a special kind of asshole, huh?

Comments

By mld4657 | 28

#6508806 - Wednesday 13 January 2016 1:29

Well im not your father but Happy Birthday!!!!

Reply

crudeandrudeguy | 29

#6508829 - Wednesday 13 January 2016 1:37

As far as you know...

Reply

mld4657 | 28

#6508838 - Wednesday 13 January 2016 1:47

O.o good point sir buttttt im not an asshole I wouldn't forget

Reply

GhostFox | 33

#6508850 - Wednesday 13 January 2016 2:06

But #1 is a lady, so they would have had to be to be OP's mother? O.o

Reply

XxDanno316xX | 27

#6508904 - Wednesday 13 January 2016 3:09

14, I feel like you missed the joke mate :)

Reply

mld4657 | 28

#6508922 - Wednesday 13 January 2016 3:32

hmm I dont remember having children. well im a crappy parent then

By jms1555 | 15

#6508808 - Wednesday 13 January 2016 1:29

That's just shitty..

By jms1555 | 15

#6508809 - Wednesday 13 January 2016 1:30

And happy Birthday by the way!

By Moskaaa7 | 26

#6508816 - Wednesday 13 January 2016 1:33

A vicious cycle of people being mad at each other!

By UncleCaitlyn | 21

#6508817 - Wednesday 13 January 2016 1:33

To get him back put a fake spider on his phone

By InfestedCarOwner | 15

#6508822 - Wednesday 13 January 2016 1:35

Your dad sure is a special kind of asshole, huh?

Reply

ananicosia | 28

#6508936 - Wednesday 13 January 2016 3:58

A bleached asshole

Reply

thefmlman2011 | 31

#6508982 - Wednesday 13 January 2016 4:44

hahahaha

By Scarylizard1798 | 23

#6508825 - Wednesday 13 January 2016 1:36

Ah parents

By nzhx | 23

#6508826 - Wednesday 13 January 2016 1:36

Happy birthday, OP! I'm sorry it seems to not have gone as nicely as you'd hoped, but I'm sure despite his pride, your father is wishing you a happy one as well

By Tejanoswhy | 19

#6508832 - Wednesday 13 January 2016 1:39

Your dad is an asshat but happy birthday

By rissamarie | 24

#6508844 - Wednesday 13 January 2016 1:56

Hey it's my birthday too! Happy birthday OP!