Today, I'm hiding from my creepy next-door neighbor. She constantly... - FML

By Creeped - 27/9/2012 08:19 - United States

Today, I'm hiding from my creepy next-door neighbor. She constantly trash-talks my partner of two years, she's mentally unstable, looks to me for support, has a raging crush on me, and she drunkenly tried to make out with me last weekend. I'm two months older than her daughter. FML

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Property law

Deep-seated resentment

Spy vs. Spy

By Anonymous - 4/4/2009 14:03 - United States

Today, I was fixing my makeup in the back room of the office when my boss walked in. He looked kind of annoyed so I jokingly said "Don't you want your secretary to look good?" He said, "If I did I wouldn't have hired you." FML

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By aloneinaz - 15/1/2017 20:00

Today, while walking downstairs to go to work, I turned the corner and my boyfriend pulled a gun on me. Apparently, he forgot I was there. FML

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By ADD - 11/2/2009 14:59 - Bulgaria

Today, I asked my boss for a raise. He responded with "Who the hell are you?" FML

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By N/A - 25/9/2012 04:13 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I went to my gynecologist's for a check-up. After the doctor checked me I went to the bathroom. It turns out the walls aren't soundproofed, because I could hear the doctor telling his assistant, "God! How did she ever find a husband?" FML

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By Pusillanimous - 19/7/2009 05:12 - United States

Today, I was waiting in line with a friend, and she poked my stomach and said, "I wish I had your stomach." I asked her why. She said, "Boys wouldn't flirt with me." FML

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By "syd_the_kidd_9707" - 25/2/2019 00:00

Today, I went in my car to a very important job interview. I was out of gas, so I had to get some on the way. When i was done pumping, I went to get back in and the door handle broke off on the driver's side. Then I blew a tire on a piece of metal. Needless to say, I lost my chance. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/2/2015 16:06 - Netherlands

Today, my boyfriend of 5 days proposed to me at the mall. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/10/2013 06:37 - United States

Today, I found out that my phone fits perfectly through the slot between the elevator and the floor. FML

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By dumblond - 14/8/2009 17:01 - United States

Today, I was looking over the schedule for errors and circled a group of mistakes before handing it to my manager. When she handed it back to me, she gave me a weird look and I immediately noticed that the group of numbers I had circled formed a giant penis shape on the paper. FML

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By Kathrynn - 7/3/2009 00:41 - United States

Today, I overheard my parents having sex. Trying to be the reasonable person I was, I dismissed it, realizing that sex is just normal. I quickly walked past their room when my cat ran past me into their room, cracking open the door. Now my parents think I was peeping and need therapy. FML

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By NOKHAN - 25/10/2013 17:17 - United States - Durham

Today, my boyfriend and I watched Star Trek Into Darkness together. He liked it so much that he's now chosen to yell "KHAAANNNNN!" as he cums. FML

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By unlucky - 16/12/2010 04:08 - United States

Today, I went with my sister to her company Christmas party. They had a gift raffle, my number was called and I won $25 for a local restaurant. A few moments later, the manager came over and said, "You don't work here? You can't have that" and took it from me. FML

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By Karen - 31/8/2009 14:48 - United Kingdom

Today, I was hurrying for the bus home from work. It was raining and I had my umbrella up. As I hurried by two women, I felt my umbrella hit one of them on the head. I turned to apologise and saw her standing with her hands on her newly bald head. My umbrella had lifted her wig off her head. FML

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By Terrible Boss - 18/9/2019 02:04 - United States

Stability

Today, I fired all 12 of my employees, purely out of anger and frustration. Realizing my mistake when I'd calmed down, I called each employee and apologized, asking if they'd come back. Only one said yes. The mailroom clerk. FML

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By confused_cashier - 12/6/2016 01:34 - United States - Herndon

Today, while working as a cashier at a fast food restaurant, a customer asked me how many chicken nuggets were in our 6 count chicken nuggets. FML

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By juanjohnfml - 11/8/2011 08:17 - United States

Today, I bought a $300 gym membership that gives me access to the company's non-premium gyms. The non-premium gyms are all closed due to construction, because they're being turned into premium gyms. FML

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By help - 5/1/2015 18:52 - Malta - Naxxar

Today, I finally got a restraining order against my violent ex. My mom now keeps finding ways to tell me how shitty I am for breaking the "poor boy's" heart and how I didn't deserve him anyway. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/9/2009 09:21 - Australia

Today, I was walking with my boyfriend down the street and a really hot guy walked past with no shirt on. While distracted by his hardened stomach muscles, I promptly walked into a pole, then became single. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/4/2014 04:03 - United States - Meridian

Today, my guide dog sneezed so hard that it slammed its head on the floor and knocked itself out. I have to trust this dog with my life. FML

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By ThatHurts - 14/11/2011 00:11 - Canada

Today, I have two black eyes. The first one I got from the girl whose ass I mistakenly grabbed at a party last night. The other one I got from my girlfriend when I explained the first one. FML

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By mighthavepaidfortwodates - 28/3/2019 22:00

Today, after an amazing date with a girl I like at a restaurant, I realized I foolishly forgot my wallet. When I returned, I spotted my date at another table on a date with a different guy. I also wasn’t able to find my wallet. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/8/2009 22:31 - Canada

Today, a completely drunk girl walked across the bar and punched me in the face because I was wearing the same dress as her, and her boyfriend said it looked better on me. While I was screaming at her for being a stupid bitch, she puked all over me, wiped her mouth and laughed before she passed out. FML

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By night_fox88 - 27/1/2020 05:00 - United States - Camden

Go out please!

Today, I woke up to my overly religious grandmother trying to shove salt down my throat yelling "DEMON BE GONE!". Why? I didn't wear the cross neckless she bought me. FML

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By Midge - 16/3/2010 23:03 - United States

Today, as I was pulling out of the school parking lot I was blasting my music and feeling pretty awesome, I got a few honks and felt even cooler. Until some lady pulled up next to me and told me I had left my binder on the roof and all my papers were all over the road behind me. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/6/2012 03:26 - United States - Metamora

Today, a cop turned his lights and siren on to pull me over. I pulled into a parking lot and got a ticket. It wasn't until the cop pulled away that I realized that I'd pulled into, and interrupted, an on-going funeral visitation. FML

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By No Nip - 25/4/2019 12:00

Today, I was making breakfast with my parrot on my shoulder. He was excited about the food, and in his rush to climb down to the counter, bit through my nipple. I had to get stitches. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/8/2012 04:17 - Canada

Today, I tried to explain to my daughter why she couldn’t have a sleepover with her boyfriend yet. She said, "If you're so worried about me having sex, then you failed as a father because I've already banged four guys." FML

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By girl - 22/11/2009 00:36 - United States

Today, in dance class we did a choreography where we wear two shirts and take one off in one quick motion. After I took mine off, the audience goes "aaah". Then I realize that I had taken both my shirts off as stood there with only my bra on. I was being videotaped. FML

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By diamondsareforever - 18/7/2009 20:19 - United States

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend. On our way to the Space Needle I was pulled over and promptly arrested. Apparently, I had recently purchased a car from a man who had robbed a jewelery store. The ring is now evidence. FML

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By Winchesterlover - 5/2/2011 18:41 - United States

Today, my mom and I tried out Just Dance 2 on the Wii. When we both threw out our hands at the same time, my mom's Wii remote hit my hand and ripped my finger nail. As I stared at the bloody, half hanging off nail, my mom muttered, "You should have stayed in your dance space." FML

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By ill - 2/10/2009 17:18 - Canada

Today, I called my dad to ask why my university tuition had not been paid. He said that "my school was too expensive and he couldn't afford it." He then asked me if I would take in his mail while he was away. He was taking his new wife to Hawaii, apparently it's beautiful this time of year. FML

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By soapisyourfriend - 16/2/2016 06:53 - United States - Ashland

Today, cable was installed at my house and the cable guy smelled like some horrid mix of cabbage and cheese. I'm pregnant and suffering from morning sickness. I've sprayed air freshener, lit candles, and opened windows despite the cold outside. I can't get rid of the smell. FML

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By dom - 8/9/2010 06:53 - United States

Today, my boyfriend yawned while I was giving him head. FML

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By Lootz - 3/5/2009 17:10 - United States

Today, I went to my girlfriend's sorority formal, we were both drunk. We went into the bathroom, she started to give me head. After about 30 seconds the song changes and she jumps up and goes out to dance, leaving me there. Door open. Penis out. It was the song she requested. FML

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By anonomous - 7/2/2011 19:51 - United States

Today, it looks like I may have an STD. My fiancé and his friends went to Vegas two months ago. He says he's been completely faithful. They say what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Turns out that's not quite true. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/12/2013 21:50 - United States - Wexford

Today, I thought it was a good idea to flush the stink bug I found in my kitchen. Later I went in the bathroom to take a crap, and next thing I know, I feel a stink bug on my privates. I guess it didn't flush after all. FML

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By epicfailureismyl - 5/4/2018 15:00

Today, whilst driving, I had the sudden urge to vomit. As I pulled over I wound my window down, stuck my head out, and emptied my stomach. At least I would have if I had wound down the driver's window instead of the back window. FML

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By anonymous - 8/3/2010 15:12 - United States

Today, my mother-in-law grounded me because I went to the store in the "dangerous" rain. My husband says that if I don't obey then we won't work out. FML

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By ID10t - 10/11/2009 05:24 - United States

Today, I was on my back porch having a cigarette. Not being all that awake yet, I threw the butt, still smoldering, on the ground. Did I remember that there was an ashtray right next to me? No. I did what I would do at work: I stamped it out. Barefoot. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/4/2014 00:14 - United States - Wrightsville

Today, I took my kids to an Easter party hosted by a local church. The nice lady in charge told the kids, "Jesus died, but He rose to life again!" My 9 year old screamed, "LIKE A ZOMBIE!" FML

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Top comments

By Death_Hoe_Inn | 10

#4977983 - Thursday 27 September 2012 15:58

Tell her you have invisible herpes. Everywhere.

By Ren_Uchiha | 11

#4977980 - Thursday 27 September 2012 15:58

I believe it's time to move, OP.

COMMENTS

By Ren_Uchiha | 11

#4977980 - Thursday 27 September 2012 15:58

I believe it's time to move, OP.

Reply

gc327072 | 29

#4978049 - Thursday 27 September 2012 16:08

Date her daughter to really stir the pot.

Reply

ColdplaySucks | 18

#4978190 - Thursday 27 September 2012 16:38

It's a good thing shitty neighbors doesn't hurt property value or many of our property investments would be down the toilet.

Reply

CrassKal | 27

#4978476 - Thursday 27 September 2012 18:35

8- I may be wrong, but the use of the word "partner" makes me thing OP might be gay.

Reply

sophielotus | 2

#4978904 - Thursday 27 September 2012 20:56

Or les! We don't know if OP is a girl or guy.

Reply

MagicGiraffe | 12

#4978994 - Thursday 27 September 2012 21:40

13, the housing market is already down the toilet enough :(

Reply

BAMF223 | 4

#4980299 - Friday 28 September 2012 5:15

Cuckoo cachoo Mrs. Robinson...

By Death_Hoe_Inn | 10

#4977983 - Thursday 27 September 2012 15:58

Tell her you have invisible herpes. Everywhere.

Reply

onlychildFTW | 33

#4978800 - Thursday 27 September 2012 20:02

Haha that'll scare her off. Until she says "me too! We're meant for eachother".

Reply

Death_Hoe_Inn | 10

#4979359 - Friday 28 September 2012 0:26

#35- Sneeze AIDS then

By nanpooo | 6

#4977998 - Thursday 27 September 2012 15:59

Have you tried telling her you have no interest in dating an older woman? :S if that doesn't work, move away from her. Like far away from her.

Reply

brenkite | 5

#4978895 - Thursday 27 September 2012 20:52

Or kill her.

Reply

sens3sfailing | 24

#4980603 - Friday 28 September 2012 8:25

I don't think OP's life should get uprooted because a creepy lady bothers them. Moving is a big deal, and there are less drastic ways of dealing with this problem.

Reply

walmartpaysme | 15

#4981577 - Friday 28 September 2012 15:49

There's always a restraining order.

By fleur_de_fevrier_fml | 22

#4978010 - Thursday 27 September 2012 16:00

I feel sorry for her daughter...

Reply

THuD29 | 4

#4985987 - Saturday 29 September 2012 22:12

So true, poor girl :(

By HeyArnold91 | 8

#4978013 - Thursday 27 September 2012 16:02

I think a restraint is in order, don't you?

Reply

BulldogHoops | 14

#4978163 - Thursday 27 September 2012 16:32

Yeah, on this show called "Nightmare Neighbors" there have been people getting restraining orders for harassment.

By gabrayal | 10

#4978039 - Thursday 27 September 2012 16:07

'When cougars attack!'

Reply

bones_17 | 5

#4978428 - Thursday 27 September 2012 18:17

It may be a snow leopard if her daughter is the same age as you.

By lovepandorasaver | 11

#4978040 - Thursday 27 September 2012 16:07

MILF, moms i'd like to forget

Reply

perdix | 29

#4978450 - Thursday 27 September 2012 18:22

I'm guessing she's a MIWFWYD -- a mother I wouldn't fuck with your dick.

This term can only be spoken aloud in Wales.

By DocBastard | 38

#4978103 - Thursday 27 September 2012 16:19

Yeah, but is she HOT? I swear, some of these FMLs deserve to be longer so OP can explain more of the situation. This one is worthless without more information!!

Reply

soja_fml | 18

#4978181 - Thursday 27 September 2012 16:35

Although I agree with you, if she is mentally unstable I don't think it matters if she is hot or not.

Reply

bunny911 | 16

#4978287 - Thursday 27 September 2012 17:09

Just remember son, no amount of makeup can hide crazy.

Reply

perdix | 29

#4978434 - Thursday 27 September 2012 18:19

Doc, if she were hot, there would be no FML. At least not from the OP's point of view.

We might hear if this from the daughter or the girlfriend, but the OP would be bangin' away at the hot MILF in gooey bliss.

Reply

bones_17 | 5

#4978437 - Thursday 27 September 2012 18:19

A pussy you turn down is one you never get.

Reply

perdix | 29

#4978458 - Thursday 27 September 2012 18:27

#28, nice saying, but not true. The pussy that you turn down will come at you twice as hard next time. You'd better cave quickly because you don't want first-hand experience with "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned."

Reply

CamdenMarie | 6

#4978887 - Thursday 27 September 2012 20:45

I think you all are missing the part where OP says the woman trash-talks their "partner". So there's a chance OP is gay and isn't interested in the woman, hot or not. A gender identifier would be nice here, and more details.

Reply

BrittanyChayanne | 14

#4998667 - Wednesday 3 October 2012 10:20

36- I was wondering if anyone was going to mention that. Of course OP could also be a woman, it doesn't specify.

Reply

MagicStallion | 9

#5027613 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 20:14

27 - I don't think it matters if she's hot and of course there is still an FML If she is hot. After all, OP DID say he has a partner... Unless he's a cheat which I know all you FMLers hate, then he still should be posting the FML.

By jmoreno | 4

#4978198 - Thursday 27 September 2012 16:40

Tell her your happy with your life and if she doesn't quit the bs you'll make sure she isn't in it! Be blunt and if need be rude so she can get it through her head

By sharksfan48 | 13

#4978206 - Thursday 27 September 2012 16:41

Op, buy some sort of weapon. At this rate, she'll eventually start watching you sleep.