Today, I'm getting married. I have a big poofy white dress and,...

By ithinkicanmakeit - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I'm getting married. I have a big poofy white dress and, oh yes, the shits. Here's hoping I can make it down the aisle without rushing off to the toilet. FML

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Love

Family values

Business savvy

Higher standards

By ChaosFerret - United States - Eugene

Today, I spent six hours making chicken and black bean chili for a big family gathering. I go to use the restroom. I come back to the pot on the floor with my cat standing in the chili, eating it. FML

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By StayPositive - United States

Today, I went to kiss my girlfriend on the neck while she was cooking on the stove. Apparently I scared her and now I have a nice burn mark on my head from the hot frying pan she hit me with. FML

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By sadmom - 18/3/2020 05:05

What are you doing here?

Today, I found out the man I have been dating is my son’s principal. I found out by having to pick my suspended son up from school. FML

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1545

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By Lolrus - Qatar

Today, I was jogging through my neighborhood and then I notice this cute guy running beside me, we stoped and flirted for a while and my mom drove past. She then rolled down the window and said "Honey, you owe me for the dry cleaning on your period pants." FML

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By Bullet - United States

Today, I had to go along with my mom to meet some of her old friends from high school. When they asked her about how her life was going, she said she was married, always traveling, no kids, and introduced me as the neighbor's kid she babysits. FML

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By Momlovesme - United States

Today, I was listening to music while my grandma and mom were in the same room. I only had one headphone in. My mom, thinking I had both in, started telling my grandma how much of a "little bitch" I am. My grandma went on to say, "She's also a slut." FML

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60100

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By theskippster - United States

Today, I was in Walmart. I saw a demo for Guitar Hero on the DS so I started playing. I was kicking ass and really feeling great about myself. I then looked away for a second, looked back down, and saw that the notes were still being hit. The demo had been on automatic-player the entire time. FML

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By daddysjudy92

Today, after being hospitalized last week due to a severe mental breakdown, my mom is still mad at me for missing her big solo at church. She had even tried to demand I be released from the hospital for it. She's still going on about how she thinks I missed it on purpose. FML

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2977

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By Anonymous - United States - Pharr

Today, I finally got my driver's permit. To celebrate, my parents decided to go to a bar and make me wait in the car because I'm now the designated driver. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the alarm clock downstairs has been going off since 3am. The apartment belongs to two other students. They've gone home. Only 3 more days left to go. FML

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26147

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was telling my mother about my earrings hurting my ears. I had a cut on my ear close to the piercing and she thought that I had mistaken the cut for the opening, and said (as we walked past a car full of men), "Well of course it hurts when you put it in the wrong hole!". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, as part of the treatment for my bulimia, my doctor informed me that I will not be allowed to go to the bathroom unsupervised. Meaning there will have to be another person in the bathroom with me at all times. I have a nervous bladder. I couldn't go if I wanted to. FML

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27179

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By anonymous - Australia

Today, I was stuck in a room with a man who was catching flies. That I could cope with, until he insisted on turning the lights out because it was 'stressing out' his flies. FML

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25482

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By he's not the one going to hell - Australia

Today, some assface hacked my recently deceased friend's Facebook account. The person changed my friend's location to "Hell", then posted a status saying how hot the weather was, and replied "I wish :'(" to someone who'd said my friend was in a better place now. FML

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48777

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By Anonymous - United States - Gonzales

Today, my boyfriend kicked me out and threatened to get a restraining order after I called him an asshole. I'm 16 weeks pregnant and over 1,000 miles away from my parents' house. FML

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By jennag5 - Canada - Claresholm

Today, two drop dead gorgeous Australians asked me for directions. Being so shocked by their beauty and accents, I couldn't get words out of my mouth. The one said to the other "Nope she doesn't speak English", then walked away. FML

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25227

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I am 3 months pregnant. While lying on the couch with morning sickness, my boyfriend farted loudly and filled the room with a smell so horrifying that I immediately threw up all over my coffee table. He spent the next 20 minutes texting his friends about this "epic" moment. FML

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46787

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while on a vacation, I tried to step out of myself and flirt with this boy who I thought was cute. He was going along with it and nodding so I thought it was working. Then he opened his mouth and I realized he didn't speak English. FML

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By meeranda - France

Today, my dad came home from work early only to walk in on me and the boy I'm not supposed to be seeing having sex. Did I mention doggie style? FML

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11337

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By Anonymous - 12/3/2020 16:00

Wrong place, right time

Today, I stopped to gas up. The pump wasn't taking my BP rewards card, and it said to go see the cashier. I went in to ask what's up, where the cashier politely pointed out that I was in a Shell gas station, not a BP. FML

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438

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By Anonymous - United States - Sainte Genevieve

Today, I asked if my friend wanted to come meet my dog and give him a treat. We were walking to my back yard, her holding 3 hot dogs, when she said, "I think your dog is dead!" I said, "No, he's just old and sleeps all the time and won't wake up until you pet him because he's deaf." He was dead. FML

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By la poisse - France

Today, I spent the night in hospital. As soon as I was alone, I writhed and twisted in all directions in my attempts to pee in a bottle left precisely for that purpose. It was at that moment that the doctor, a good-looking guy, came in. My legs were spread wide and I was right in the middle of doing my business. FML

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34919

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By misswhiskers - Australia

Today, it's my birthday. I woke up to a text message from my boyfriend, breaking up with me. When I commented on his impeccably bad timing, he admitted he'd forgotten it was my birthday. FML

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By sonja_n - Australia - Kew

Pentaxed

Today, I lost my balance while crossing a creek and fell in. I had my camera on me at the time. It's fried, and I don't have the $2K I need to replace it. FML

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1303

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By anon

Today, I was working at the hospital and it was very busy. Unthinking, I told a patient in a wheelchair to "sit tight" while I checked on something. He mocked me for the rest of his stay. FML

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12069

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By that kind of girl - Canada - Mississauga

Today, a man asked me on a date. It's been so long, I accepted immediately. He began quoting what seemed like random numbers to me, and it took me a few minutes to work out what he meant. Not only was I mistaken for a prostitute, I'm also worth, at most, $60. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while working at Starbucks, a customer spilled her drink all over the counter. After I cleaned up her spill and remade the drink (for free), she exclaimed "Thanks! I should really tip you!" Then she turned around, walked directly past the tip jar, and left the store. FML

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By crap - United States

Today, I finally told my best friend whom I've secretly been in love with for two years that I was in love with her but at the last second chickened out and said I was joking. She replied with "Don't scare me like that. I thought I was going to have to find a new best friend for a second" FML

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By msamberjade - 30/1/2020 20:00 - United States - Columbus

New movie

Today, my boyfriend came home with three of his best friends and broke up with me in front of them. Then, when I asked if we could talk privately, he filmed it for "documentation". FML

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2407

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By thefailure - United States

Today, it was my wedding day, and while I was standing next to my husband in front of all of our guests, I was rocking on my heels because I was nervous. I rocked too far and fell backward. My husband didn't come to help me up. He just said at the top of his lungs, "FAIL!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Macungie

Today, my girlfriend of over a year broke up with me via Facebook chat. When I asked her why, she replied "You know why." and blocked me. No, I don't know. FML

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36740

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By brittney242 - United States - Stow

Today, while at a night club, I was wearing a brand new outfit that I absolutely loved. I was enjoying myself until I felt something wet drop onto my head and body from above. It was puke from a drunk guy in the V.I.P. section. FML

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By ugh - United States - Port Chester

Today, I was really excited to get a new bank account in my name. My parents wanted me to have it so they could transfer money from mine to theirs and vice versa. What excited me less was my father drunkenly accessing it and taking all my cash. FML

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35079

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By ohgod - United States

Today, I found out my husband had bought my 1-year-old daughter a shirt that says "Birth Control Fail" in pink glittery letters. He even took her out in it while I was at work. FML

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66321

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By 2234 - United States

Today, I was tossing my car keys into the air and catching them. I threw them up really high, only to have them land in the branches of the palm tree outside my door, at the very top. FML

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8306

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By Username - France

Today, I had a 10 hour drive to Las Vegas with only 2 CDs, Taylor Swift and Jason Mraz, and my girlfriend who thinks she's a good singer. FML

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41737

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By he's mine - United Kingdom - Harpenden

Today, I found my sister's wedding book. Inside it was a list of potential grooms; she'd written down all of my ex-boyfriends. And my fiancé. We're getting married in three weeks. FML

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26807

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By HaleyIsabelle - France

Today, I thought my boyfriend was being sweet by stroking my hair, only to discover he was getting rid of a booger. FML

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33342

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By Ecolo-girl - France - Quint

Today, my wife, the budding environmentalist, who is also 6 months pregnant, threatened to leave me because according to her I'm responsible for the world's deforestation. I'd only drawn her a picture of her with our baby-to-be. FML

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By gonads

Banana-nana fo-fo-nads

Today, I was playing baseball. My full name is Nadeene, my nickname is Dee, but people have started calling me Nads. Someone yelled out "Go Nads" as I went up to bat. Guess what my new nickname is? FML

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Top comments

By hereicomment | 18

#6043390 - Wednesday 20 August 2014 23:15

Well, shit happens.

By amypr | 20

#6043399 - Wednesday 20 August 2014 23:18

Hopefully your dress has enough "poof" to hide some Depends! Good luck.

COMMENTS

By hereicomment | 18

#6043390 - Wednesday 20 August 2014 23:15

Well, shit happens.

ChristianH39 | 30

#6043656 - Thursday 21 August 2014 3:48

Hopefully not this time...

drivingmissdaisy | 13

#6043695 - Thursday 21 August 2014 4:39

This reminded me of Bridesmaids

otumboo | 10

#6043868 - Thursday 21 August 2014 6:43

let's hope shit doesn't happen on especially a wedding day

chlorinegreen | 27

#6043946 - Thursday 21 August 2014 9:24

Maybe it's just nerves and will pass? Usually when I'm nervous my stomach drops to my butt.

By beautybabexo | 7

#6043392 - Wednesday 20 August 2014 23:16

Oh no! Good luck with making it down the aisle.

LaurenLo | 17

#6043410 - Wednesday 20 August 2014 23:24

Try Pepto Bismol! That always works for me and it works pretty quickly. Congrats though!

boating_guy | 33

#6043480 - Thursday 21 August 2014 0:21

One word answer: imodium

Enjoy your big day!

onlychildFTW | 33

#6043659 - Thursday 21 August 2014 3:51

Maybe a diaper if all else fails. At least it won't show under a big dead and your dress remains clean.

Congrats on the marriage btw!

By Pleonasm | 34

#6043395 - Wednesday 20 August 2014 23:18

let's hope your husband takes you in shitness as in health.

TheDevilWearsJoe | 8

#6043424 - Wednesday 20 August 2014 23:32

Let's hope OP's husband is rational and understands that everyone shits...?

RedPillSucks | 31

#6043592 - Thursday 21 August 2014 2:05

He's not taking her on the shithole side during the honeymoon

By warsun | 27

#6043398 - Wednesday 20 August 2014 23:18

Well that's a *gets shot*..………i.....tried...*dies*

MrDonSalvetti | 27

#6043444 - Wednesday 20 August 2014 23:47

I don't have to understand this right?

ninjahesten | 18

#6043469 - Thursday 21 August 2014 0:16

its easy to understand.. he/she is about to make a shit joke but gets shot by all those negativ people on here :) thumbs up

MidnaLink | 32

#6043513 - Thursday 21 August 2014 0:49

I thought it was a brilliant take on a shiity joke. Pun half intended.

RedPillSucks | 31

#6043597 - Thursday 21 August 2014 2:06

Tried too hard.
Died even harder.

By amypr | 20

#6043399 - Wednesday 20 August 2014 23:18

Hopefully your dress has enough "poof" to hide some Depends! Good luck.

igive | 28

#6043416 - Wednesday 20 August 2014 23:29

It all "depends" on the style of dress.

metalhead88 | 9

#6043541 - Thursday 21 August 2014 1:09

But it won't hide the smell

igive | 28

#6043846 - Thursday 21 August 2014 6:20

blame it on the dog.

thevelociraptor | 31

#6043870 - Thursday 21 August 2014 6:56

Yes, because every wedding has a dog.

By blaw24 | 1

#6043400 - Wednesday 20 August 2014 23:19

May your bowels have mercy on you

By junkman6 | 22

#6043401 - Wednesday 20 August 2014 23:19

I think we finally found the perfect use for those elephant boxers.

By PippyJr | 5

#6043402 - Wednesday 20 August 2014 23:19

That's going to be an awkward honeymood.....

By earljonez | 22

#6043405 - Wednesday 20 August 2014 23:21

Well you're getting married, that's when shit gets real......

By imasexyburrito | 25

#6043408 - Wednesday 20 August 2014 23:22

time to try adult diapers???

OhWhoCares | 42

#6043446 - Wednesday 20 August 2014 23:51

The smell though... Those should come with complimentary air fresheners.

Zebediabolical | 37

#6043458 - Thursday 21 August 2014 0:05

Just blame it on an old relative. Or see if one of the bridesmaids will step up and take the heat.