Love: Today, I'm getting married. I have a big poofy white dress and,...

By ithinkicanmakeit - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I'm getting married. I have a big poofy white dress and, oh yes, the shits. Here's hoping I can make it down the aisle without rushing off to the toilet. FML

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Love

Messed up

The smell detective is on the case

Stuck

By more than I wanted to know - Italy - San Giustino

Today, my dad sat me down for the sex talk, except it wasn't really a talk, but rather him making me watch a hardcore porn video with him as he commented on what the actors were doing. I had to listen to all this and ignore his obvious erection for almost an hour. FML

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By hellostupid - United States

Today, I had to convince my 20-year-old boyfriend that not only is his aquatic turtle a reptile, but that it's also cold-blooded and thus can't regulate its own temperature just by going into its shell. He still thinks I'm the stupid one. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, at 4:00 a.m., I woke up and realized that I had thrown an expensive gift certificate for a friend in the garbage. Since it was garbage day, I ran out in the rain in my pajamas and rifled through all three bags of garbage. Twice. I found the gift certificate. It was in my pocket. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was eating breakfast at an IHOP. As I was eating, the old man sitting directly behind me started discussing every aspect of his spastic colon, in vivid detail. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, I had sex with my new boyfriend for the first time. Afterwards, he said: "I know women who would be really self-conscious about nipples like that. I love that you accept yourself." I had no clue there was anything odd about my nipples. FML

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By t.hughes - United States

Today, my fiancé dumped me because he claimed he needed to "focus on his career and his engagement." When I asked him how dumping me would help with his engagement, he immediately replied with, "No, I mean my other one." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found my dad smoking the weed he grounded me for having. FML

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By cheat - United States

Today, I cheated at card games to let my boyfriend win. I did it because I don't like him to throw the cards at me when I win. Now he just thinks I'm 'so slow a turtle could kick my ass' and that he has 'a cute little bubbly spud-brained girlfriend.' FML

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By Anonymous - 8/9/2020 14:01

Geyser Söze

Today, I found out why my B&B host looked so pissed this morning. I remember having too much red wine and puking out the window last night. Turns out the lampshade underneath the window spread my puke all over the freshly painted wall. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I let my 19-year-old son drive my Lexus to his date. At 11:00 p.m., I watched him pull into the driveway with a broken taillight, marks and scratches all over the car, the front bumper missing, and him being nearly passed out because he's so drunk. FML

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By losingit - United States

Today, I learned I was adopted and that my parents had died in a car accident when I was really young. My girlfriend was sitting next to me when I got the news, and several hours later broke up with me in a text stating, "I don't want to be with someone who doesn't have real parents." FML

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By Our Talisman - France

Today, I was at a red light when the guy next to me gave me that look people give when they want a street race. I won, but I should've seen the word "Sheriff" written on the side of his car. FML

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By pathetic - United States - Lincoln

Today, my grocery shopping consisted of Poptarts, SpaghettiOs, Lucky Charms, Popsicles, Easy Mac, and Twinkies. I'm a 25-year-old woman with no kids. FML

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By yourwifelovesme

Today, my dad was folding laundry. He came across a pair of jeans and asked who they belonged to. My mom said, “Those are definitely mine. The knees are worn out.” Thanks for that mental image mom. FML

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Fight Club

Today, my girlfriend asked how I was feeling, because I’ve been feeling down and experiencing a lot of anxiety lately. I said was feeling a lot better and that I finally think I’m on my way to getting well. She didn't agree, and started a fight about it. FML

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By Ambar - Canada

Today, I was missing $20 from my wallet, so I decided to ask my sister if she had taken it. Her response? "That reminds me, I need to borrow another 50." She has a job. That was my Christmas money. FML

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By minimazing

Today, my husband of 5 months admitted he is jealous of my dog. I've had the dog for 16 years. He admits to wanting to drop it off at the shelter while I'm at work. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Brighton

Today, I received an email from my friend in South Africa, with whom I'll soon be staying for 2 months. She was telling me that she had bought me a few things so I would be prepared for my stay. What did she buy me? A taser and some pepper-spray. FML

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By Aiaiii - Germany

Today, I spent some time in a sun-bed to prepare myself for a very special reunion with my boyfriend, who I haven't seen in 6 months. I hope he likes crispy red butt-cheeks, and I wonder whether they will start peeling before or after he returns. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I couldn't get into my car. In an attempt to get in, I broke a window. As I climbed in, the actual owner of the car walked up. Mine was across the street. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I thought it would be nice to take my girlfriend out to a nice restaurant for my birthday. She got a little headache after we ordered, so she went outside to get some air. I ate a $100 meal and had Happy Birthday sang to me by the restaurant staff. Alone. FML

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By DocShadow - United States - New York

Today, my 4-year-old daughter stood up to a bully in the mall. I was the one who was getting bullied. FML

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By John - United Kingdom

Today, I had a very long, complicated talk with my girlfriend. Apparently, since she isn't religious, she doesn't have to give anyone Christmas presents, and yet expects everyone to give her some. She then told me what I should get her. FML

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By imma ture

Today, I was involved in a debate. Things got out of control, insults were hurled, and by the end friends were lost. The subject of the debate? Whether snot has enough calories in it to be nutritional. FML

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By Oops - Australia

Today, while out with my boyfriend I accidentally let out a rather large fart. I was in such shock the only sentence I could make was "I farted." Clearly he was in shock too because the only words he could utter were "I know." FML

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By blehh - United States

Today, I had horrible pains in my stomach area so I went to the doctors. They couldn't find anything wrong and sent me to the Emergency Room for X-rays. After spending the entire day in the hospital, they tell me I'm slightly constipated. I had to pay $400 to find out I had to take a shit. FML

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By DanniRae - United States

Today, my mom was helping me clean out stuff from college. She opened a box and took out some anal beads I got as a gag gift. She asked, "What are these?" I answered, "They are for massaging your back". She then insisted I show her. I massaged my mother with anal beads. FML

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By DWIcop

Today, while leaving our county courthouse after testifying as the arresting officer in multiple DWI cases, I hit a wrong way sign in the court’s parking lot. All the defense attorneys were outside, asking me if I was drunk. FML

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By WickedRene - United States - Rochester

Today, I was watching my 3 year old brother. He asked me to get him a cookie and I said, "What's the magic word?" He looked at me angrily and said "Bitch, please." FML

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By biggs sprhro - United States - Bryan

Today, my friends were right about me being whipped. My girlfriend now has me setting an alarm for 3 hrs after she's fallen asleep, all so I can uncover her feet so she doesn't get too warm. FML

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By teejayrn

Today, I saw my daughter dusting her furniture with the white handkerchief I gave her as a wedding present. It's been in our family for 4 generations. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/11/2020 04:02 - Japan - Okayama

Can't buy me love

Today, I realized while paying bills on my phone I fat-fingered which credit card I was paying and sent 299 to a paid-off card instead of 200 to another one. Now I'm going to have overdraft fees too. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at work and I had to take a dump. Since I was the only person in the bathroom, I started singing, "I'm taking a poopy-poop poop poop poop." I was not the only person in the bathroom. FML

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By ronboy - United States - Columbus

Today, I decided to be responsible and call a cab to take my drunk ass home from the bar. As I climbed into the cab, I was quickly pulled back out and had the shit beaten out of me by a group of drunk guys who thought they needed the ride more. The police soon arrived and arrested us all. FML

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By bdiddy - United States

Today, I moved in with my brother to save on a swanky apartment. I was skeptical as to how this would work out as we fought a lot as kids. Our first big fight? Whether or not to keep his dorm-style futon complete with Return of the Jedi sheets. He's a 35-yr old physician; I'm a 28-yr old lawyer. FML

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By Falouila - France

Today, I picked up my computer which had been at the repair shop for two weeks. I quickly logged on to MSN to talk to the girl who I'd been hitting on for weeks. Her profile picture was a photo of herself with her new boyfriend. FML

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By wtf - United States - Elkhart

Today, my husband wants me to apologize for getting angry when his father told me I'm getting so fat that I look like a whale. I'm not fat, I'm just 8 months pregnant. FML

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By Ouch - United States - Charlotte

Today, I was at a professional tennis match. The ball was hit extremely hard, resulting in it going into the crowd. And when I say crowd, I mean my face. FML

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By madamefuxalittle - United States - Stratford

Today, an elderly lady sat next to me on a bench, and started telling me out of the blue about how bad it is to have saggy boobs. I was uncomfortable enough at the unwanted info, without her then looking at my chest and adding, "But I expect you already know that, dear." FML

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By oh - United States - San Francisco

Today, my ex-girlfriend woke up from a coma that lasted a few months. Her parents called me from the hospital shortly after because she was in hysterics that I wasn't there. Apparently she thinks we're still together, and I now have to somehow break up with her again after almost a year apart. FML

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Top comments

By hereicomment | 18

#6043390 - Wednesday 20 August 2014 23:15

Well, shit happens.

By amypr | 20

#6043399 - Wednesday 20 August 2014 23:18

Hopefully your dress has enough "poof" to hide some Depends! Good luck.

COMMENTS

By hereicomment | 18

#6043390 - Wednesday 20 August 2014 23:15

Well, shit happens.

ChristianH39 | 30

#6043656 - Thursday 21 August 2014 3:48

Hopefully not this time...

drivingmissdaisy | 13

#6043695 - Thursday 21 August 2014 4:39

This reminded me of Bridesmaids

otumboo | 10

#6043868 - Thursday 21 August 2014 6:43

let's hope shit doesn't happen on especially a wedding day

chlorinegreen | 27

#6043946 - Thursday 21 August 2014 9:24

Maybe it's just nerves and will pass? Usually when I'm nervous my stomach drops to my butt.

By beautybabexo | 7

#6043392 - Wednesday 20 August 2014 23:16

Oh no! Good luck with making it down the aisle.

LaurenLo | 17

#6043410 - Wednesday 20 August 2014 23:24

Try Pepto Bismol! That always works for me and it works pretty quickly. Congrats though!

boating_guy | 33

#6043480 - Thursday 21 August 2014 0:21

One word answer: imodium

Enjoy your big day!

onlychildFTW | 33

#6043659 - Thursday 21 August 2014 3:51

Maybe a diaper if all else fails. At least it won't show under a big dead and your dress remains clean.

Congrats on the marriage btw!

By Pleonasm | 34

#6043395 - Wednesday 20 August 2014 23:18

let's hope your husband takes you in shitness as in health.

TheDevilWearsJoe | 8

#6043424 - Wednesday 20 August 2014 23:32

Let's hope OP's husband is rational and understands that everyone shits...?

RedPillSucks | 31

#6043592 - Thursday 21 August 2014 2:05

He's not taking her on the shithole side during the honeymoon

By warsun | 27

#6043398 - Wednesday 20 August 2014 23:18

Well that's a *gets shot*..………i.....tried...*dies*

MrDonSalvetti | 27

#6043444 - Wednesday 20 August 2014 23:47

I don't have to understand this right?

ninjahesten | 18

#6043469 - Thursday 21 August 2014 0:16

its easy to understand.. he/she is about to make a shit joke but gets shot by all those negativ people on here :) thumbs up

MidnaLink | 32

#6043513 - Thursday 21 August 2014 0:49

I thought it was a brilliant take on a shiity joke. Pun half intended.

RedPillSucks | 31

#6043597 - Thursday 21 August 2014 2:06

Tried too hard.
Died even harder.

By amypr | 20

#6043399 - Wednesday 20 August 2014 23:18

Hopefully your dress has enough "poof" to hide some Depends! Good luck.

igive | 29

#6043416 - Wednesday 20 August 2014 23:29

It all "depends" on the style of dress.

metalhead88 | 9

#6043541 - Thursday 21 August 2014 1:09

But it won't hide the smell

igive | 29

#6043846 - Thursday 21 August 2014 6:20

blame it on the dog.

thevelociraptor | 31

#6043870 - Thursday 21 August 2014 6:56

Yes, because every wedding has a dog.

By blaw24 | 1

#6043400 - Wednesday 20 August 2014 23:19

May your bowels have mercy on you

By junkman6 | 22

#6043401 - Wednesday 20 August 2014 23:19

I think we finally found the perfect use for those elephant boxers.

By PippyJr | 5

#6043402 - Wednesday 20 August 2014 23:19

That's going to be an awkward honeymood.....

By earljonez | 22

#6043405 - Wednesday 20 August 2014 23:21

Well you're getting married, that's when shit gets real......

By imasexyburrito | 25

#6043408 - Wednesday 20 August 2014 23:22

time to try adult diapers???

OhWhoCares | 42

#6043446 - Wednesday 20 August 2014 23:51

The smell though... Those should come with complimentary air fresheners.

Zebediabolical | 39

#6043458 - Thursday 21 August 2014 0:05

Just blame it on an old relative. Or see if one of the bridesmaids will step up and take the heat.