Money: Today, I'm actually starting to miss my former heroin addict... - FML

By Rusty - 18/06/2015 02:07 - United States - New City

Today, I'm actually starting to miss my former heroin addict neighbor because of how mellow he was compared to my new neighbors. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 523

You deserved it 2 469

Vulture

Must be one hell of a novel

Sounds like a scam

By Anonymous - 01/03/2015 18:59 - United Kingdom - Wetheringsett

Today, my boyfriend dumped me for another girl, via a text message ending with "No hard feelings. Well xcept 4 my cock obvs. ;)" Fuck you, Rick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 361

You deserved it 3 180

By KateD - 06/03/2010 05:16 - United States

Today, I was walking through the mall with my husband. We came across a guy who was selling some weight loss pills. He tried to sell me some and I kindly declined. He told me not to deny my weight problems. Thanks. I'm 7 months pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 717

You deserved it 2 773

By ilovedirt - 10/07/2011 03:12 - United States

Today, I was tanning by the pool. My friend put his arms under my back and knees and picked me up. He threw me across the kiddy pool to my boyfriend, shouting "Catch!" My boyfriend didn't catch me. Instead of a tan, I have a huge bruise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 276

You deserved it 3 750

By N/A - 25/09/2012 04:13 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I went to my gynecologist's for a check-up. After the doctor checked me I went to the bathroom. It turns out the walls aren't soundproofed, because I could hear the doctor telling his assistant, "God! How did she ever find a husband?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 377

You deserved it 2 826

Run for the hills!

By Anonymous - 30/03/2020 17:00

Today, my girlfriend asked me the details for al-Qaeda's plan during 9/11 for an essay. I had no idea and she said she just expected me to know, since I'm "one of those people." I'm Iranian. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 078

You deserved it 224

By appaluver - 03/09/2011 23:53 - United States

Today, I was at my friend's house and accidentally blew out a candle that was supposed to be lit for seven days straight. It was in honor of her grandmother who had recently died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 704

You deserved it 14 727

By nana. - 15/02/2009 15:29 - Canada

Today, I was playing musical chairs at a family reunion. It's a well known fact that I'm competitive and tend to hip check people to get that last chair. It came down to me and The Nana. I won. The Nana has a broken hip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 450

You deserved it 72 975

By Anonymous - 13/08/2013 06:36 - Australia - Sydney

Today, my teacher told the class that we had better like the people at our table because we would all be working together for the final group assessment. Everyone looked at me, stood up, and moved. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 814

You deserved it 8 023

By Anonymous - 31/03/2009 18:45 - United States

Today, while walking to class enjoying the warmer weather, a bee flew down my shirt. I'm allergic to bees so I freaked out and started ripping my clothes off. By the time I was done, I was half naked and there was no bee in sight. Turns out, it was the string on my jacket hood. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 054

You deserved it 33 197

By icandothecancan - 21/06/2014 23:14 - United States - Duncan

Today, while in the yard, my 18-month-old son decided to take off running into the road, where a car was driving. I rushed after him, only for one of my dress straps to suddenly break without warning. It must have looked like I was trying to flag down the driver with my flailing tit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 547

You deserved it 6 113

Turn off

By whatdoesitmatter - 01/10/2013 10:47 - India - Erayu

Spicy

Today, my sex-crazed ex wrote me a letter so bad, it haunts me that I let a guy with such terrible grammar skills touch my boobs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 067

You deserved it 11 946

By brokeasscollegelife - 20/11/2015 21:25 - United States - Tallahassee

Today, I biked to the store to buy a new lock, since biking is my only form of transportation. I left my bike unattended for the last time, only to come back with a new chain, but no bike. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 547

You deserved it 3 421

By ChampionshipVinyl - 18/04/2012 06:57 - Canada - Orangeville

Today, I came home from work to find my kids playing Frisbee with my collection of rare, valuable vinyl records. The term "smash hit record" took on a whole new meaning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 428

You deserved it 2 876

By Anon - 09/10/2013 05:21 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I asked my friend to crop me out of her profile picture on Facebook because I look terrible in it. She responded that she wasn't going to, because it made her look better. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 813

You deserved it 5 481

By Thank God I Flush Them Down The Toilet - 26/09/2015 01:10 - United States - San Francisco

Spicy

Today, I walked into my room and watched as my fanatically religious mother sniffed the used tissues in my trash bin to make sure I wasn't masturbating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 439

You deserved it 2 224

By IvyBlackeyes - 29/08/2018 01:30

Today, I sprained my ankle at dance class. No, I was not dancing when I did it. I was trying to step off on a small mat so I could go home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 428

You deserved it 259

By Mortifiedcharityworker - 01/05/2014 20:10 - Austria

Today, I didn't pay enough attention while sending a music file to be used in a powerful video my class-mates and I made about the Syrian civil war. Instead of a moving classical track, viewers were shown graphic scenes of devastation to the tune of Gangnam Style. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 313

You deserved it 38 552

By nobodywasthere - 29/11/2017 01:30

Today, I explained to my teacher that I wasn't at school yesterday due to three doctor appointments for my moderate epilepsy. Yesterday was senior skip day. She gave me detention for lying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 180

You deserved it 408

By Anonymous - 25/08/2018 20:30

Today, I spent half an hour on the phone with four departments at my college due to a mistake on my tuition bill. The last guy I talked to told me to call the financial aid office and hung up before I could respond. That was the first office I called. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 621

You deserved it 147

By Anonymous - 26/11/2017 05:00

Today, I called my daughter a wimp and insisted her pain can't be that bad. She left in tears. Later, I got a call from her doctor informing me that she has trigeminal neuralgia, one of the most painful diseases known to man. I'm an asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 551

You deserved it 10 255

By Should have stayed in the closet - 07/06/2018 06:00

Spicy

Today, I was leaving college when my yearlong roommate said that he "needed me inside him" before I left. Having just accepted that I’m gay, we had sex. Only later did I learn about the floor-wide bet about me being gay. I still don’t know if my roommate fucked me for fun or for 5 cases of beer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 329

You deserved it 1 071

By Anonymous - 18/08/2015 13:26 - United States - Manchester

Spicy

Today, I woke up from the most sensual dream I've had in months. Unfortunately, despite it being better than any action I've had in a long time, the dream was about me fucking a donut. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 243

You deserved it 3 998

By Anonymous - 03/06/2015 01:34 - United States - West Chester

Today, my mother found my escaped pet snake after she had already washed and dried it with the laundry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 346

You deserved it 4 312

Empty gestures

By Anonymous - 16/07/2020 02:01

Today, my boss held a staff meeting to talk about how the Covid-19 pandemic has made us stronger, that all of us are family. Later, my car broke down after work, she drove by, saw me stranded on the road and we made eye contact. I thought she was going to help me, but she drove right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 812

You deserved it 109

By bbt - 18/08/2018 22:00

Today, out of the 35 people invited, only one person showed up to my bridal shower. It was my grandma. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 275

You deserved it 310

My kingdom for a lock

By IAmJacksDeflatedHappiness - 19/10/2021 23:00

Today, I asked my family not to disturb me while I slept, as I had hit over 72 hours of insomnia. My family must have heard me say, “Come in every 20 minutes and wake me up with whatever banal shit you can think of.” I gave up when my mother-in-law decided to enter my room and start vacuuming the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 313

You deserved it 93

Waste of time

By wasteoftime - 07/06/2017 20:00

Today, I went to a job interview. I never applied for the job, they'd sought me out, had a phone interview, and sent samples, all before the face-to-face interview. Turns out none of the people I met with had even read my resume or writing samples. I was told I might not be a good fit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 145

You deserved it 279

By Anonymous - 04/08/2009 20:22 - United States

Today, I was working the lighting for a drama production. In the last scene, two characters realize they are in love and kiss, then the stage goes dark. I mixed up my settings, and instead of a blackout, flashing party lights started going off. 300 people turn around to stare at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 499

You deserved it 39 353

By Francoise3 - 18/03/2009 13:02 - United Kingdom

Today, I received an e-mail from the girls at work. It was an invite to lunch but it said, "Lunch today at Camber's, PLEASE don't tell Francoise, I don't think any of us can take any more of her!" I'm Francoise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 86 902

You deserved it 19 417

By Anonymous - 02/11/2010 02:58 - United States

Today, I was at Wal-Mart and I asked a guy who worked there where the scrapbooking stuff was. He led me to the aisle where it was and then said, "By the way, I don't work here." FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 012

You deserved it 31 556

Still married

By need not know - 19/01/2020 05:00

Today, while fixing my dad's phone, I saw Tinder installed. He's still married to my mum. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 907

You deserved it 214

By Anonymous - 01/11/2012 04:24 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I worked up the courage to give a guy my number. I wrote it down on a piece of paper, tore it in half and gave it to him. Later, I noticed I'd given him the wrong, blank half. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 511

You deserved it 11 894

By oldandmarriedapparently - 02/03/2010 05:15 - United States

Today, I saw my boyfriend for the first time in a while. When he came over we realized that we had not only gotten the same haircut, but we were also wearing the same sweater. We are a matching old couple at 17. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 492

You deserved it 25 748

Unhealthy relationship

By Lance from the Serfs is a snacc - 03/05/2021 00:30

Today, I had to admit that I'm polyamorous. Well, I'm in several relationships. Parasocial relationships. With YouTubers and Twitch streamers. I talk to them through the screen. I can't remember what it's like to have real-life friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 334

You deserved it 937

By Anonymous - 11/01/2014 02:25 - United States

Today, after working my shift at McDonalds, I went to clock in at my dispatch job. During a 911 call, I blurted, "Would you like to try the McRib while it's back?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 883

You deserved it 9 586

By sissydlk - 02/12/2010 15:54 - United States

Spicy

Today, my wonderful boyfriend asked me if I wanted him to cook me scrambled eggs with sausage for breakfast. When I said yes, he pulled out his junk, and started shaking it violently in my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 141

You deserved it 10 333

By Anonymous - 03/12/2009 08:39 - United States

Spicy

Today, I walked into my apartment to find my boyfriend of two years screwing my lifelong best friend. I immediately burst into tears. He looked at me and told me I was being too dramatic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 498

You deserved it 2 711

By Anonymous - 26/06/2011 21:42 - United States

Spicy

Today, I went on a third date with this guy, hoping I'd finally get some action. I got a high five. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 971

You deserved it 10 580

By PoachedFish - 29/12/2009 10:57 - Lebanon

Today, was very chilly. My little sister felt sorry for my two goldfish swimming in the cold water. She decided to put them in hot water. They died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 261

You deserved it 3 044

By Cooper491 - 15/09/2011 21:22 - Australia

Today, I was at a bar with my friend, when I noticed a young lad at a table near to us. I thought it'd be funny to jeer and flick peanuts at him. I went to the restroom, only to come back to my friend face-down on the floor. Turns out the guy fucked him up instead, and now he won't talk to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 219

You deserved it 60 713

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Thursday 18 June 2015 9:55

The only solution I see is to get them hooked on heroin too

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Thursday 18 June 2015 10:33

he was the heroine your neighborhood.

Comments

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Thursday 18 June 2015 9:55

The only solution I see is to get them hooked on heroin too

OysterPearls 33

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Thursday 18 June 2015 10:03

Drug paraphernalia makes a wonderful housewarming gift.

smellslikecome 12

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Thursday 18 June 2015 10:29

Or he could start smoking heroin himself and be the mellow one...

Zebediabolical 39

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Thursday 18 June 2015 10:37

The bonus is if you deal to them you can make them pay your rent. And do your outdoor chores too.

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Thursday 18 June 2015 10:40

a batch of brownies is always welcome.

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Thursday 18 June 2015 14:04

Sounds like the new one is a caffeine addict. Those are definitely the worst.

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Thursday 18 June 2015 9:56

I would too, who knows what kind of drugs your new neighbors are on.

rnarshmallow 21

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Thursday 18 June 2015 9:56

I don't condone heroin use, try marijuana.

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Thursday 18 June 2015 10:03

Holy fuck. Always one.

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Thursday 18 June 2015 13:38

As a former drug addict myself, I find it highly amusing when users insult other users. There is no difference, all drugs are mind-altering substances, and all are (mostly) illegal. If you think your drug is fine but others are not, you are a fool.

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Thursday 18 June 2015 20:32

Heck yeah as long as it's used responsibly. Also for all of you marijuana bashers. It's safer than alcohol you want to ban marijuana because it alters the mind? Also get rid of nicotine, caffine, and as I mentioned alcohol. If your not willing to do that then shut up your a hypocrite.

rashpimplezitz 9

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Thursday 18 June 2015 21:45

lol caffeine

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Friday 19 June 2015 3:55

#46 Caffeine is an addictive drug and it actually isn't very good for you

rnarshmallow 21

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Friday 19 June 2015 5:38

#24 I guess I'm a fool then. I've never seen or met anyone who's person or surrounding persons has been harmed by marijuana use. I say, if you live in Washington (like me) smoke to your hearts content!

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Friday 19 June 2015 10:40

Caffeine? yea, may be addictive, but it doesn't have lifelong side effects like, say, tobacco does. Not saying I'm the norm, but I can stop caffeine consumption at any time (out of school, so I don't drink coffee). I'm sure I wouldn't be able to stop after smoking marijuana or heroin. Just because something's addictive doesn't make it bad for you. Sugar is super addictive; try cutting sugar out 100% for two days and tell me how that goes. Before bashing on caffeine, list 3 good reasons why it's bad for you.

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Friday 19 June 2015 17:08

What scientific data do you have that finds nicotine to be bad for you in a long term use? Exluding that of cigarette use for obvious reasons.

Sphanz 17

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Thursday 18 June 2015 9:57

Hopefully your new neighbors will quiet down eventually. Sorry OP

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Thursday 18 June 2015 9:58

Find your old neighbor and move next door! If he's not in rehab or incarcerated of course.

onlychildFTW 33

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Thursday 18 June 2015 10:03

Well if he's in one of those 5star hotel rehab places why not move in next door anyways? Haha. Some of those places are nice.

Cads1 24

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Thursday 18 June 2015 10:01

You are in the U.S. Invite them in for a drink, shoot them and claim self Defence. Wait, that is not a good idea, try having them over for a meal and beer.

OysterPearls 33

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Thursday 18 June 2015 10:02

Sorry OP, trying to find good neighbors is like trying to find a needle in a haystack.

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Thursday 18 June 2015 12:23

And then you can cut yourself with the needle if you find it (Depressing comment)

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Thursday 18 June 2015 12:41

I'm sure OP could ask the previous neighbor to help look for that needle...

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Thursday 18 June 2015 15:36

Why don't you just use a magnet to find the needle?

rachelthelime_fml 29

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Friday 19 June 2015 0:12

#35 Dear god I hope you're joking

SassyCassy19 12

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Friday 19 June 2015 0:52

Sad, but true. good neighbors are very few nowadays :(

whitnayfortooh 29

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Thursday 18 June 2015 10:03

I knew what you mean...I miss my crack whore neighbor:(

RedPillSucks 31

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Thursday 18 June 2015 15:13

yeah, those dollar blow jobs were great

CA4495 17

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Thursday 18 June 2015 10:17

Wouldn't it be great if we could choose our neighbors? In a perfect world...

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Thursday 18 June 2015 10:33

he was the heroine your neighborhood.

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Friday 19 June 2015 10:18

I get the reference but that term is only used for women.

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Saturday 20 June 2015 8:16

#54 buzz killer

Nearly

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23

You deserved it 16

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62

You deserved it 17

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend has spent all morning claiming there’s nothing to do when it’s raining outside. Sex is always an option, but he’s missed all my hints, including stripping naked and kissing him, because he thought I was on my way to get a shower instead of trying to fuck him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 300

You deserved it 88

Today, I found out I’m going to be a father, twice over, with two different women. Sisters, in fact. Only one of those sisters is my wife. Should I flee abroad, or walk calmly towards the firing squad straight away? FML

I agree, your life sucks 134

You deserved it 2 547