Work: Today, I'm a car salesman. I got told to cold call a list of... - FML

By Arcam89 - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

Today, I'm a car salesman. I got told to cold call a list of previous customers, but I recognised the names as I phoned them all last week; I told the manager this. He slammed his fist on my desk and told me to stop lying and do as I was told. I got told to "fuck off" 27 times. FML

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Cartoon villain

Grow up

Dad of the year

By Xtine - United States

Today, while on the road I saw a turtle in the middle of the other lane. I slammed on my brakes and got out, holding up and pissing off several drivers on both sides of the highway. Getting closer to the turtle, I realized that it was not a turtle at all, but a very large pile of dog shit. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/2/2021 19:01 - Iraq - Baghdad

Being multilingual sucks sometimes

Today, in our microbiology lab, there's a machine called bacteria incubator, which translates to Arabic as "bacteria hugger." I envied the bacteria because it gets hugs. FML

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By Highschoolisover!

Today, a good friend refuses to speak to me because she found out that I slept with her husband. It happened twelve years before they met. FML

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By Kylie - United States

Today, at work at daycare, this kid was coughing really bad, so I put my hand in front of his mouth in case he was choking on something so he could spit it out. But nope he wasn't choking, he was sick. He puked right into my hands. FML

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By human

Today, I had a dream in which I was eating vast quantities of pizza, cookies, and pastries. I became so anxious about all the calories that I woke up. Even in my dreams I'm self conscious about my diet. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was told to put away the new toilet paper rolls. I reached in the package only for my hand to get wet, and then noticed the yellow liquid at the bottom. My cat used it as a litter box. At least, I hope it was my cat. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I turned 21. It's also the day I learned how it feels to have my foot and leg set on fire by a drunken idiot who thought it was a great idea to splash lighter fluid into an open-pit bonfire. FML

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By Yup - United States

Today, I went to my boyfriend's mom's house for the first time. They had a cook-out so I got to meet his whole entire family. I went into the kitchen to find a huge picture of his ex-girlfriend on his mom's fridge. FML

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By anony - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend by quietly undressing and sneaking into the bathroom to join him in the shower. He was bent over taking a dump, pushing his turd down the plughole. FML

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By Poorman - United Kingdom

Today, our new boss showed up for his first day of work. I thought I'd seen it all, but he demands that we say "Hail to the King" every time he passes through the office. When I called HR about it, the guy on the other end told me to "man up and deal with it". FML

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By Too available to be sexy

Philosophical

Today, during foreplay, my husband asked if I found him sexually attractive. When I asked him back, after a yes, he was silent for two minutes then went into a ten-minute philosophical discussion on the nature of attractiveness. He would find me more attractive if I wasn't his wife. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - South Sioux City

Today, I told my family I was divorcing my husband. My little sister asked if "we can keep him instead". FML

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By so so old now - Canada - Kamloops

Today, my co-workers threw me a surprise 30th birthday party. After lighting sparklers on the cake and singing happy birthday, we all enjoyed a few moments of sparkly, happy fun time. Then the building's fire alarm tripped and over 200 people had to be evacuated. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the ice cream shop after dinner. I am deathly allergic to nuts so I picked the vanilla. I take one bite and feel something crunchy, and see what I thought was an almond in the cup. I spit out the icecream in a panic. Good news? It wasn't an almond. Bad news? It was a cockroach. FML

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By Professional_Ars

Today, my coworker brought chocolate muffins to work for everyone. This would have been really nice if they hadn't tasted like rotten blueberry muffins spray-painted brown. I reflexively gagged after taking a bite and coughed up a brown mush in front of her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at work I got an urgent message from my boyfriend that there was an emergency and I should come home immediately. I took my last personal day of the month and drove the half-hour home. The emergency? The cat had vomited on the comforter. FML

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By left out wet

Today, I was laying in bed completely naked, uncovered and waiting for my husband to walk in. He laid down in bed and starting playing with his phone instead of. FML

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By Crazy Cat-less Lady

Today, my mom asked me if I was a lesbian because I haven't brought a guy home in over 7 years. Nope. I'm just a crazy cat lady, minus the cats. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, Burger King gave me a moldy bun. I noticed 1/5 of the way through the sandwich. My compensation for ingesting mold? A coupon for half-off a Whopper. FML

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By mymomplucksbutthair - United States

Today, my mom confessed to me that she used to pluck my step-dad's butt hair. I hope the brain-gods delete this obnoxious mental picture. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/9/2020 17:00 - United States

Mr. Burns

Today, I put icy hot on my aching shoulders, like I have been for several days. They seemed extra tender today, and it wasn't until the burning started that I realized I had put icy hot directly on a very angry sunburn. FML

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By KidCudi227 - United States

Today, my mom gave me the "birds and the bees" talk, while she was taking a dump. FML

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By anonymous - China - Shanghai

Today, I was yelled at by a bunch of angry people because I couldn't physically move out of the way while 10 more tried to force their way onto a subway in Shanghai. Then one old lady started hitting me with her purse to get me to move even more. FML

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By sadbuttrue. - United States - San Francisco

Today, at my sister's wedding, I went to the very back of the crowd of women waiting to catch the bouquet. Not only did I end up catching it, I was accosted by a crazy chick who ripped it out of my hands, screaming at me in Italian. I later found out she was already engaged. FML

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By baebookboo - United States - Lawrence

Today, I asked my mom about signing up for an online dating site. She took one look at me and said, "Why get rejected online when you can just go outside for the same?" FML

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By Lost - United States

Today, I got rejected for approximately the tenth credit card I've applied for, I called a bank to find out why. Apparently I took out a car loan in 2004 and bought a house in 2006. I was 13 in 2004. The credit report does not have any records of this. Thank you identity theft. FML

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By khaelian - United States

Today, the highlight of my day was that the gas station I work at finally got a new mop head. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Piscataway

Today, we had to re-live sex ed in my college biology class. Unlike in middle school, nobody giggled incessantly. However, the guy sitting next to me stared at me intensely for nearly the whole three hour lecture. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bedford

Today, I was working out and doing box jumps. My friend thought it would be funny to kick the box aside as I tried to jump onto it. Now I have 2 broken teeth. FML

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By Janitoro - United States

Double-edged sword

Today, I was blessed with a girlfriend who loves giving blowjobs. And cursed with a girlfriend who is also somehow really bad at them. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I went with my girlfriend to her parents' house. They told me I smelled of cheap vodka. When I told them I worked in a bio lab and used ethanol a lot, they said I was too stupid to do anything like that. My girlfriend broke up with me because her parents think I'm a drunk. FML

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By CatLover<3 - United States - Cibolo

Today, I tried to explain to my cat why I was single, but then I realized why. FML

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By hoaloha - United States - Gilbert

Today, I went to the store to buy some new shirts. I tried them on and none of them fit. When I walked out to return the shirts, everybody was staring at me. I looked down to see why. I'd forgotten to put my original shirt back on. FML

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By caaarl - United Kingdom - Hemel Hempstead

Today, while looking through my wedding photos, I realised my wife had done a duck face in every single one. FML

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By Wouldntitbeniceif - United States

Today, I went for a hike with the local search and rescue volunteer group that I recently joined. I got lost and spent 5 hours wandering aimlessly. FML

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By awwman - United States

Today, my dad found out that there is a free, 24 hour, 7 days a week religious channel. Now that's all he watches. FML

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By WalkingTalkingCarrot - United Kingdom

Today, my 15 year old brother, visiting me for the weekend, thought it would be a great idea to switch my expensive moisturiser for fake tan cream. I'm going to work in 12 hours. I'm fluorescent orange. FML

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By weep weep weep - United States

Today, after months of teaching my parrot to speak, he finally demonstrated his abilities. I accidentally set off my smoke detector, and he's been wailing like a dying banshee ever since. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, my Kung Fu-trained father found out that my boyfriend, a Krav Maga student, got me pregnant. Since I'm only 17, my dad got extremely mad. Several broken bones and a few ambulances later, it looks like a Steven Seagal movie happened in my house. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New Castle

Today, a student turned in homework she copied off an online answer key. The wrong key. My students are too stupid to cheat right. FML

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Top comments

By haileyrows | 26

#6542989 - Tuesday 23 February 2016 7:19

27 times? Looks like you'd better grab some lotion and get to work. The man was clear...

By badbitch23 | 15

#6543000 - Tuesday 23 February 2016 7:26

I for sure would've recorded it and reported them to higher up.

COMMENTS

By macelonel | 26

#6542987 - Tuesday 23 February 2016 7:18

Might be time for a new job. Sorry OP!

By haileyrows | 26

#6542989 - Tuesday 23 February 2016 7:19

27 times? Looks like you'd better grab some lotion and get to work. The man was clear...

Reply

thestoryofacaleb | 14

#6542998 - Tuesday 23 February 2016 7:23

The best part is the exact number.

Reply

Fairyjoshy | 13

#6543005 - Tuesday 23 February 2016 7:31

I'm guessing it was the people he called after his boss told him to stop lying who told him to "fuck off"

Reply

ftloosenfanzfree | 7

#6545108 - Thursday 25 February 2016 16:45

It's obviously that he was told that by a bunch of people he called, not 27 times by just his boss.

By bigmusclebro | 20

#6542990 - Tuesday 23 February 2016 7:20

You should have gave each person you called a lecture on why to vote for Trump and then say you will stop if they buy one of your cars.

Reply

IndefiniteBeauty | 17

#6543006 - Tuesday 23 February 2016 7:32

They won't have the opportunity to vote for trump. OP's location is in the UK

Reply

bigmusclebro | 20

#6543021 - Tuesday 23 February 2016 7:58

Donald Trump's hands reach all over the world, although you're correct about not being able to vote lmao.

By Hildy93 | 21

#6542992 - Tuesday 23 February 2016 7:22

How does someone have the energy to say that 27 times?? That's impressive

Reply

individual00 | 14

#6543003 - Tuesday 23 February 2016 7:29

I'm pretty sure it was multiple people.

Reply

musoboy | 22

#6543015 - Tuesday 23 February 2016 7:38

It was the previous customers who told him to fuck off, not the boss.

Reply

Hildy93 | 21

#6543852 - Wednesday 24 February 2016 6:36

Yeah #4 how stupid could you be? Learn how to read

By ColonelCusswords | 24

#6542995 - Tuesday 23 February 2016 7:22

People putting "you" and "fuck" in the same sentence sounds pretty romantic to me

Reply

HofstraGirl | 14

#6543014 - Tuesday 23 February 2016 7:37

Sounds like something Deadpool would say

By WCARlover | 34

#6542997 - Tuesday 23 February 2016 7:23

Just reading this gave me anxiety. Calling strangers is bad enough without getting yelled at...should probably start looking for some other place to work that has a better manager.

By badbitch23 | 15

#6543000 - Tuesday 23 February 2016 7:26

I for sure would've recorded it and reported them to higher up.

Reply

ApollosMyth | 22

#6543022 - Tuesday 23 February 2016 8:00

I think it was the customers he was calling again who said it to him, not his boss.

Reply

science-teacher | 15

#6543028 - Tuesday 23 February 2016 8:34

fair sure he meant customers...

By GarfieldDaCat | 5

#6543002 - Tuesday 23 February 2016 7:28

tell him to fuck off

Reply

igive | 29

#6543007 - Tuesday 23 February 2016 7:33

The leads told him to fucker off, not the boss.

Reply

GarfieldDaCat | 5

#6543302 - Tuesday 23 February 2016 17:20

whoops i was kinda tired and didnt read it right when i made that post lol i dont think properly when im tired

By xStarzx | 11

#6543011 - Tuesday 23 February 2016 7:36

What an asshat

By HofstraGirl | 14

#6543016 - Tuesday 23 February 2016 7:39

Welp... looks like 27 people remembered you called them last week. At least you're memorable?