Today, I'm a car salesman. I got told to cold call a list of... - FML

By Arcam89 - 22/2/2016 22:37 - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

Today, I'm a car salesman. I got told to cold call a list of previous customers, but I recognised the names as I phoned them all last week; I told the manager this. He slammed his fist on my desk and told me to stop lying and do as I was told. I got told to "fuck off" 27 times. FML

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Nice neighborhood

Vultures

You snooze, you lose

By whyme27 - 9/9/2009 02:41 - Canada

Today, I washed one of my roommates t-shirts. I forgot to remove it before putting it in the dryer, and all the print on the front melted off. It was a gift from his girlfriend. Who has just passed away. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/11/2014 16:20 - Canada - Sherbrooke

Today, at work, I put on a smile and went to take an elderly gentleman's order. He looked at me, asked if I'd stick a finger in his sweet tea to make it sweeter, then complained that it was a shame I wasn't "on the menu". FML

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By OyGeeze28 - 9/8/2011 06:24 - United States

Today, at work in a liquor store, a man came in to demand a refund because after he "drank the whole bottle of Jack" he "couldn't get it up" for his wife. He thought that alcohol was supposed to be an aphrodisiac, and blamed me personally for his "whiskey dick". FML

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By Journo - 27/4/2009 19:46 - United States

Today, after two months of unemployment, I got a call from a marketing firm offering me an interview for an entry-level position. While Googling the company, I discovered it's a scam. I graduated college in 3 years with a 3.5 GPA, and the only interview I can get is at a fake company. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/2/2013 17:57 - Canada - Fernie

Today, my fiancé is returning home, so I decided to wax myself, thinking things would get intimate. I warmed the wax strips and set them on the counter. Our cat jumped onto the counter and managed to roll onto one of the strips. Suffice to say, the wrong pussy got a painful waxing. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/2/2013 07:50 - United States - Tucson

Today, as I was leaving for my chemistry exam, I stepped on one of the countless sheets of chemistry notes that littered the floor following last night's studying. I managed to slip and knock myself out in my own living room. FML

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By camille - 29/10/2011 13:40 - United States

Today, my dad yelled for me. It was an emergency. I ran down the stairs, tripped, fell, and limped over to my dad only to find that he wanted me to see a video of someone playing "Bohemian Rhapsody" on the ukulele. FML

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By snarly1 - 3/1/2012 08:14 - United States

Today, it was our one year anniversary. After a surprise re-creation of our first date, we went home, in the mood for love. The food poisoning from the restaurant had a different idea. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/2/2011 14:51 - Ireland

Today, I gave a safe sex speech to teens at my local high school. This was just ten minutes after my girlfriend had texted me, telling me she's pregnant. FML

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By Drewbie - 13/1/2013 08:53 - United States - Park City

Today, while having sex with my girlfriend on the bathroom floor, I felt something tickle my balls. I looked back to see her sister's kitten getting in on the action. I think I just had my first threesome. FML

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By Hollerz90 - 2/4/2020 23:00

Red Right Hand

Today, I came home to find my dad in my room, watching porn on my computer. When I asked him what he was doing, he closed the computer, stood up, stared at me awkwardly and then said, "You should really avoid those sites" and left my room. FML

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By papersofdivorce - 31/1/2013 17:08 - Peru - Lima

Today, thanks to our computer's browser history, I found out that my wife has been searching for local therapists who deal with cases of severe sex addiction. We've only had sex twice since we got married four months ago. FML

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By socianx - 18/8/2013 21:23 - Albania

Today, I was to give a business report to several important shareholders. Right at the start, I broke into a coughing fit, then got so nervous that I froze up. When I tried to excuse myself, I tripped over my own feet. I'm now facing demotion for making the company look bad. FML

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By ClothMom - 8/12/2009 07:02 - United States

Today, I was visited by Child Protective Services. Seems someone on my street reported me for neglect because I cloth diaper my children. I moved in less than 6 months ago, so I guess this is how they say, "welcome to the neighborhood" about these parts. FML

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By guttedgirl - 4/6/2011 11:35 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out my ex boyfriend's band has become quite popular on YouTube. My friends and sister won't stop singing their songs. Most of them were written after I dumped him, and go on to say how much better off he is without me and how horrible I am. FML

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By my gran is a cuntwaffle - 26/9/2013 20:36 - United Kingdom

Today, my gran came over for dinner, for which I had to go grab some supplies from the supermarket. I guess I should have locked my laptop, because when I came back, I found my gran had used my Facebook account to propose to my now-ecstatic girlfriend. FML

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By awkward - 26/9/2016 21:31 - United States - Oakland

Today, I was out to dinner with a friend I had a crush on. The whole time, he was flirting with the waitress while I was trying to get him to notice me. When we got the check, he looked at her and said, "She's not my girlfriend, I only go out with pretty girls. So, can I have your number?" FML

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By Anonymous - 6/10/2018 17:30

Today, my husband cancelled our internet and cable package because we’re having money problems. I work from home and need the internet to do so. I guess getting a job of his own wasn’t an option. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/8/2012 16:14 - United States - Clarksburg

Today, while on the bus, I took out my breath spray. The elderly lady beside me thought it was pepper spray. She panicked and started screaming, which culminated in the man near her punching me in the jaw. FML

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By jojolee68 - 28/2/2015 19:53 - United States

Today, I'm stuck in a taxi cab while the driver listens to a radio show about sex fetishes. Can't wait to look him in the eye as I pay him. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/10/2015 18:02 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, while having lunch with my grandparents, my grandpa's eyes glazed over, his head fell and he slumped in his chair. I started panicking and almost cried, thinking he was dead. Then he laughed and said "Just kidding. I'm fine." FML

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By Anonymous - 17/4/2015 19:50 - Argentina

Today, my boss showed me a two-page letter from a customer, complaining about me because I couldn't honor a coupon that expired in 2009. He agreed that I did the right thing by refusing it, but said it would be a black mark on my record anyway due to the complaint. FML

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By shamwazzlefarznarfnarfwoofbaaa - 29/3/2015 14:03 - United States - Bronx

Today, I had to teach my grandma how to burn files to CDs. I jokingly said that it doesn't involve literally burning the disks in fire, to which she responded by slapping me and calling me a patronizing brat. FML

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By reality_stricken - 4/11/2009 14:00 - Guam

Today, I told my boyfriend I was afraid he would no longer love me when he returned from basic training. Hoping he would reassure me his feelings wouldn't change and we'd still be together, he replied instead, "Shit happens." FML

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By Anonymous - 12/9/2009 20:06 - United Kingdom

Today, my friend's 11 year old son accidentally shocked himself with our electric fly swatter. Thirty seconds later, while trying to prove to him that it's physically impossible to shock yourself with it, and that it's perfectly safe, I did the exact same thing. FML

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By urinanalysis - 3/12/2009 16:08 - Canada

Today, I went to get blood and urine tests done before work. As I was attempting to aim into the cup, I lost balance and slipped. I ended up peeing on my sleeves and my pants. I was late for work and I smelled like pee. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/11/2009 02:39 - United States

Today, my mom sat on a pencil and started bleeding. She then made me clean the wound on her butt and put ointment on it. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/4/2014 20:07 - Switzerland

Today, my father took me out for some driving lessons. Out of nowhere, a huge, apparently suicidal bird dove into the windshield, putting a crack in it. My father yelled at me as if it was my fault, and is demanding I pay for the repairs. FML

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By big_bail - 3/4/2015 23:00 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I found out I wasn't invited to the annual family reunion. The reason? Everyone thinks I'm "creepy" because I'm the only adult who will go out and play with the kids. FML

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By thatgirl - 18/6/2016 21:19 - Canada - Richmond

Today, my boyfriend took me to get the abortion that we both agreed on. He was being so supportive through the whole thing. When it was all over I thanked him for coming. He replied, "Well that's what got us here in the first place!" He's still mad he can't tell anyone his joke. FML

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By notyourparkingspot - 25/5/2017 16:00 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, a guy who lives in my condo complex threatened to take my husband and me to small claims court. Why? He was mad about the $300 fine to get his truck back after it was towed, because he was parked in our spot. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/8/2012 05:30 - United States

Today, in the middle of the store, my daughter pointed at my belly and loudly announced that she was going to have a brother. I'm a man, and apparently I need to lose weight. FML

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By JMU - 6/7/2009 19:34 - United States

Today, I saw a major accident then stopped to help the drivers. I was on my way to a rest stop to use the bathroom so as we were waiting for police I went into the woods and I come out to the police arresting me for public urination. One of the drivers said I was "using the woods for a bathroom." FML

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By tarheels526 - 8/2/2009 00:53 - United States

Today, the alarm on my phone went off. I picked it up, hit snooze, and dropped it back on my desk without looking. I woke up an hour later to find that I had dropped it directly in a full glass of water. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/8/2015 12:43 - United Kingdom - Bexley

Today, my bitch of a sister broke my new phone, which took me months of work to earn. Her excuse? If I didn't want her to break it, I shouldn't have let her use it. FML

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By ohcrap - 8/11/2012 01:41 - United States

Today, while I was sitting on the toilet, my toddler swung the door open. We just bought the house, and we have no curtains. Our new neighbor, who I haven't met, was mowing her yard. I stood half-naked to close the door, and our eyes met. I froze. She waved. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/2/2014 21:10 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, frustrated that my boyfriend never gives me any orgasms when we make love, I tried politely hinting that he needs to improve. To start with, I said maybe he should be more spontaneous in bed. He replied, "What, like putting it in your ass? Gotcha." Great. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/8/2012 05:16 - United States - Norfolk

Today, my boyfriend used various infomercial phrases like, "Wait, there's more!" during sex. FML

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By whoops - 10/6/2020 02:00

Exclusivity

Today, I ran into the guy I’ve been seeing. He was holding hands with another girl. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/4/2012 20:57 - United States - Muskegon

Today, my boyfriend decided that he didn't need a real job. He wants to sell pot for a living. Or hang drywall. He can't decide. FML

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Top comments

By haileyrows | 26

#6542989 - Tuesday 23 February 2016 7:19

27 times? Looks like you'd better grab some lotion and get to work. The man was clear...

By badbitch23 | 15

#6543000 - Tuesday 23 February 2016 7:26

I for sure would've recorded it and reported them to higher up.

Comments

By macelonel | 26

#6542987 - Tuesday 23 February 2016 7:18

Might be time for a new job. Sorry OP!

By haileyrows | 26

#6542989 - Tuesday 23 February 2016 7:19

27 times? Looks like you'd better grab some lotion and get to work. The man was clear...

Reply

thestoryofacaleb | 14

#6542998 - Tuesday 23 February 2016 7:23

The best part is the exact number.

Reply

Fairyjoshy | 13

#6543005 - Tuesday 23 February 2016 7:31

I'm guessing it was the people he called after his boss told him to stop lying who told him to "fuck off"

Reply

ftloosenfanzfree | 7

#6545108 - Thursday 25 February 2016 16:45

It's obviously that he was told that by a bunch of people he called, not 27 times by just his boss.

By bigmusclebro | 20

#6542990 - Tuesday 23 February 2016 7:20

You should have gave each person you called a lecture on why to vote for Trump and then say you will stop if they buy one of your cars.

Reply

IndefiniteBeauty | 17

#6543006 - Tuesday 23 February 2016 7:32

They won't have the opportunity to vote for trump. OP's location is in the UK

Reply

bigmusclebro | 20

#6543021 - Tuesday 23 February 2016 7:58

Donald Trump's hands reach all over the world, although you're correct about not being able to vote lmao.

By Hildy93 | 21

#6542992 - Tuesday 23 February 2016 7:22

How does someone have the energy to say that 27 times?? That's impressive

Reply

individual00 | 14

#6543003 - Tuesday 23 February 2016 7:29

I'm pretty sure it was multiple people.

Reply

musoboy | 22

#6543015 - Tuesday 23 February 2016 7:38

It was the previous customers who told him to fuck off, not the boss.

Reply

Hildy93 | 21

#6543852 - Wednesday 24 February 2016 6:36

Yeah #4 how stupid could you be? Learn how to read

By ColonelCusswords | 24

#6542995 - Tuesday 23 February 2016 7:22

People putting "you" and "fuck" in the same sentence sounds pretty romantic to me

Reply

HofstraGirl | 14

#6543014 - Tuesday 23 February 2016 7:37

Sounds like something Deadpool would say

By WCARlover | 34

#6542997 - Tuesday 23 February 2016 7:23

Just reading this gave me anxiety. Calling strangers is bad enough without getting yelled at...should probably start looking for some other place to work that has a better manager.

By badbitch23 | 15

#6543000 - Tuesday 23 February 2016 7:26

I for sure would've recorded it and reported them to higher up.

Reply

ApollosMyth | 22

#6543022 - Tuesday 23 February 2016 8:00

I think it was the customers he was calling again who said it to him, not his boss.

Reply

science-teacher | 14

#6543028 - Tuesday 23 February 2016 8:34

fair sure he meant customers...

By GarfieldDaCat | 5

#6543002 - Tuesday 23 February 2016 7:28

tell him to fuck off

Reply

igive | 28

#6543007 - Tuesday 23 February 2016 7:33

The leads told him to fucker off, not the boss.

Reply

GarfieldDaCat | 5

#6543302 - Tuesday 23 February 2016 17:20

whoops i was kinda tired and didnt read it right when i made that post lol i dont think properly when im tired

By xStarzx | 11

#6543011 - Tuesday 23 February 2016 7:36

What an asshat

By HofstraGirl | 14

#6543016 - Tuesday 23 February 2016 7:39

Welp... looks like 27 people remembered you called them last week. At least you're memorable?