Today, I'm a car salesman. I got told to cold call a list of... - FML

By Arcam89 - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

Today, I'm a car salesman. I got told to cold call a list of previous customers, but I recognised the names as I phoned them all last week; I told the manager this. He slammed his fist on my desk and told me to stop lying and do as I was told. I got told to "fuck off" 27 times. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18510

You deserved it

1342

Tweet

Share

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Recycling helps

Non-baby fever

By SweetDreamsTibi

Today, I was feeling frisky and my boyfriend was playing a video game in the living room. I started dancing in front of the T.V. with only my panties on, to which he responded, "You're every gamer's nightmare." FML

I agree, your life sucks

2129

You deserved it

1206

Tweet

Share

By anonymous - United States

Today, while teaching my kindergarten class, I had a feeling I was starting my period again. A boy in the class asked me what a period was. Stressing over my own, I briefly told him it's a woman's time of the month when they have mood swings. He was asking about the dot at the end of a sentence. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48452

You deserved it

39410

Tweet

Share

By Rhyno - United States

Today, I went to meet my girlfriends parents for the first time. I accidentally drove past their house the first time, but saw the whole family outside waiting to meet me. I pulled a U-Turn and heard a thud. The whole family watched me run over their dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks

307585

You deserved it

65423

Tweet

Share

By Raaaaage - United States - Torrance

Today, my sister and I had a huge fight because I flushed the toilet while she was taking a bath. The faucet for the bath was not running, but she insisted that she felt the water in the tub turn "scalding hot." She won't listen when I try to explain to her that it doesn't work like that. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31007

You deserved it

2122

Tweet

Share

By Kim - United States

Today, at work I had to convince an 80 year old mental patient that she's not Ke$ha and that she really has to put her clothes back on. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52674

You deserved it

4862

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 27/5/2020 20:00

"Now, I ain't sayin' she a gold digger…"

Today, my wife wants a divorce. Apparently, she only married me for my potential, since my twin brother is a lawyer, she hoped I’d become a success as well, but since I’m content to be a carpenter, she considers me a disappointment and a failure. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2207

You deserved it

140

Tweet

Share

By Former Professor

Today, I happily went to an interview after job searching for months. I learned a large part of my job would be cleaning the toilets. Every. Single. Hour. I used to lecture at a university until budget cuts happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1982

You deserved it

170

Tweet

Share

By Kitty - Singapore

Today, my boyfriend told me he needed to reconsider coming to see me for financial reasons. I'm the one paying for the airfare, giving him a place to stay, and covering his expenses while he's here. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56934

You deserved it

6780

Tweet

Share

By Drewbie - United States - Park City

Today, while having sex with my girlfriend on the bathroom floor, I felt something tickle my balls. I looked back to see her sister's kitten getting in on the action. I think I just had my first threesome. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52646

You deserved it

8748

Tweet

Share

By Eyebrowsgone - United States

Today, I decided to wax my own eyebrows with a Do It Yourself kit from the pharmacy. I'm now missing half of my right eyebrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11398

You deserved it

41958

Tweet

Share

By Stacy - United States

Today, while using the restroom at work, I dropped my keys into the toilet. I left to find something to get them out and figured nobody would use a toilet with keys in it. I came back to a bowl of dung and "Shit happens" written on the wall in lipstick. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36870

You deserved it

8405

Tweet

Share

By NowABlonde - United States

Today, I decided to lighten my hair. I applied the dye and waited 20 minutes. When I went to wash the dye out, the water wouldn't turn on. After my head started to burn, I called the landlord in a panic. Turns out there was a water main break and the entire city block doesn't have water. FML

I agree, your life sucks

81451

You deserved it

5947

Tweet

Share

By whipplewhip - United States

Today, my husband and I were at the mall, and decided to have a snack at the food court. As we ate, an obese woman squeezed past our table, butt facing us. Just when her ass-cheeks slid past our heads, she let out a horrific fart that my father would be proud of. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54328

You deserved it

3576

Tweet

Share

By retail can shart a cock - United States

Today, a customer's credit card was declined. His totally reasonable reaction was to threaten to put a bullet in the back of my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22750

You deserved it

1292

Tweet

Share

By [email protected] - 25/12/2019 20:00

Just in case

Today, a customer threatened to kick my balls in if I didn’t give her a hot chocolate. I had already explained to her that it wasn’t working. She’s a regular so anytime I see her now I cover my balls just in case. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1696

You deserved it

161

Tweet

Share

By ~__~

Today, I had to bail my drunk dad out of jail after he beat the shit out of a mime artist. All he had to say on the matter was "Fucking bastard was playing mind games." and that he'd beat him up again if he could. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30522

You deserved it

2431

Tweet

Share

By notatherapist - Netherlands - Huizen

Today, my boyfriend and I were roleplaying therapist and patient in bed. When I playfully asked him what bothered him, he told me his mother hates him and burst into tears. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47336

You deserved it

6280

Tweet

Share

By ;_;" - Lebanon - Beirut

Today, I went to a really important job interview. During it, I accidentally let out a burp, came down with nervous hiccups, and when I tried to quietly ease out some painful gas that was building up, it came out as a massive, rancid fart. I'll definitely be unemployed for a while yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45773

You deserved it

10537

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Imperial

Today, I was at a party, and someone called the cops on us. I dove into a bush that turned out to have thorns. I got multiple cuts and a sprained wrist, and got arrested anyway. Its kind of hard to hide from the police when you're screaming in agony. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42272

You deserved it

27863

Tweet

Share

By healthfreak - United States - Marietta

Today, my daughter's teacher called me, very concerned, because my child told the whole class she's not virgin anymore. The word is "vegan", honey. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44485

You deserved it

4195

Tweet

Share

By bookworm

Today, I had a garage sale and sold some books I don't read anymore. A woman came up and yelled at me, saying I'd stolen one of the books from her house. I later found out that it was a distraction so that her boyfriend could steal my TV. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2233

You deserved it

135

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Akron

Today, my idiot son tried to get a veteran's discount at American Eagle because he's "a fifth prestige" on Call of Duty. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48208

You deserved it

7318

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 12/4/2020 20:00

Smooth

Today, I turned 30. I still can't grow any facial hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1433

You deserved it

210

Tweet

Share

By banana_tree - United Kingdom

Today, I joked to a client that every time I see his name, I start singing the song 'Dr Jones' by Aqua. He looked blankly at me, so I broke into song, 'Dr Jones, Dr Jones, calling Dr Jones... ' He still looked blankly, but now also utterly horrified, as were the rest of the waiting room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35355

You deserved it

11515

Tweet

Share

By sadmama

Today, I found out that while my mother-in-law claimed to be babysitting my son, she was actually dropping him off at an unlicensed “day care” in a shady part of town so she could go out. How did I find out? The house was raided by police. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5604

You deserved it

313

Tweet

Share

By Mike - United States

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend for the first time, and she asked me if I ever get made fun of in the locker room for my small penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks

100628

You deserved it

7629

Tweet

Share

By lame-o-prof - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I was marking exams. I then had to explain to many of the students that (a) pigs are not aquatic animals and (b) sharks do not have lungs. These are university students. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47092

You deserved it

4060

Tweet

Share

By papersofdivorce - Peru - Lima

Today, thanks to our computer's browser history, I found out that my wife has been searching for local therapists who deal with cases of severe sex addiction. We've only had sex twice since we got married four months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38150

You deserved it

3686

Tweet

Share

By

Today, I found out that the man I've wanted to be with for the last year and a half also wants to be with me. Two weeks ago, I got a promotion! I'm also legally no longer allowed to date him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2492

You deserved it

282

Tweet

Share

By Anon - United States

Today, I was driving behind a UPS truck. All of a sudden his back door opens up exposing some boxes ready to fall out. Like a good driver I speed up to drive beside him to tell him. He thought I was trying to cut him off so he accelerated. A box flies out and dents my windshield. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49841

You deserved it

5550

Tweet

Share

By Matt - Australia - Tyabb

Today, I went to my girlfriend's house to break up with her. It was a hard decision and both of us became quite emotionally overwhelmed at the time. We began to hug as a final goodbye, then her mum burst in the room and yelled, "HE FINALLY PROPOSED!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

42601

You deserved it

3835

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Memphis

Today, my girlfriend confessed that she's been cheating on me for the past two months. Apparently she thought I'd take it well, because when I yelled at her for being a heartless bitch, she stuttered "S-sike!" and tried to play it off as a prank. She's acting like we're still dating. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37851

You deserved it

3068

Tweet

Share

By me - Canada - Orillia

Today, I got an inconvenient erection while at my girlfriends house, so I tried to think of something stupid to get rid of it. I tried thinking of Pokémon, which actually made me harder. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30108

You deserved it

12053

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, I found out my boyfriend was going to propose. He'd bought me a beautiful white gold ring that I never got to see. His estranged mom stole the ring. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2279

You deserved it

92

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend met my dad for the first time. The first thing my dad said to him was "So, how low have you kissed?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

35901

You deserved it

3893

Tweet

Share

By Tristan - 30/7/2020 02:01

Send message

Today, while messaging a possible new hire to set up an interview at my retail job, I meant to say, "Thank you for being flexible" - in regards to scheduling. Instead, it autocorrected to, "Thank you for being delicious." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1189

You deserved it

303

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a really cute waitress at lunch. I decided to leave my number and a $50 bill for a $15 check. When I left the restaurant I realized I still had the $50 but a $1 bill was missing from my wallet. I've been getting threatening text messages all day. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18461

You deserved it

63454

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, on my way back from a family trip, my fiancé informed me via text that he'd been cheating on me for years and that he'd moved out of our house and left the state. He blocked me before I could respond. We were together for 7 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6414

You deserved it

324

Tweet

Share

By Heyhey - France

Today, I met someone with the same name as me for the first time ever. I'm 20 years old, he is 97. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25385

You deserved it

4729

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Eynsham

Today, I attempted to wax my "lady area". It hurt more than losing my virginity. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30955

You deserved it

9851

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By haileyrows | 26

#6542989 - Tuesday 23 February 2016 7:19

27 times? Looks like you'd better grab some lotion and get to work. The man was clear...

By badbitch23 | 15

#6543000 - Tuesday 23 February 2016 7:26

I for sure would've recorded it and reported them to higher up.

COMMENTS

By macelonel | 26

#6542987 - Tuesday 23 February 2016 7:18

Might be time for a new job. Sorry OP!

By haileyrows | 26

#6542989 - Tuesday 23 February 2016 7:19

27 times? Looks like you'd better grab some lotion and get to work. The man was clear...

Reply

thestoryofacaleb | 14

#6542998 - Tuesday 23 February 2016 7:23

The best part is the exact number.

Reply

Fairyjoshy | 13

#6543005 - Tuesday 23 February 2016 7:31

I'm guessing it was the people he called after his boss told him to stop lying who told him to "fuck off"

Reply

ftloosenfanzfree | 7

#6545108 - Thursday 25 February 2016 16:45

It's obviously that he was told that by a bunch of people he called, not 27 times by just his boss.

By bigmusclebro | 20

#6542990 - Tuesday 23 February 2016 7:20

You should have gave each person you called a lecture on why to vote for Trump and then say you will stop if they buy one of your cars.

Reply

IndefiniteBeauty | 17

#6543006 - Tuesday 23 February 2016 7:32

They won't have the opportunity to vote for trump. OP's location is in the UK

Reply

bigmusclebro | 20

#6543021 - Tuesday 23 February 2016 7:58

Donald Trump's hands reach all over the world, although you're correct about not being able to vote lmao.

By Hildy93 | 21

#6542992 - Tuesday 23 February 2016 7:22

How does someone have the energy to say that 27 times?? That's impressive

Reply

individual00 | 14

#6543003 - Tuesday 23 February 2016 7:29

I'm pretty sure it was multiple people.

Reply

musoboy | 22

#6543015 - Tuesday 23 February 2016 7:38

It was the previous customers who told him to fuck off, not the boss.

Reply

Hildy93 | 21

#6543852 - Wednesday 24 February 2016 6:36

Yeah #4 how stupid could you be? Learn how to read

By ColonelCusswords | 24

#6542995 - Tuesday 23 February 2016 7:22

People putting "you" and "fuck" in the same sentence sounds pretty romantic to me

Reply

HofstraGirl | 14

#6543014 - Tuesday 23 February 2016 7:37

Sounds like something Deadpool would say

By WCARlover | 34

#6542997 - Tuesday 23 February 2016 7:23

Just reading this gave me anxiety. Calling strangers is bad enough without getting yelled at...should probably start looking for some other place to work that has a better manager.

By badbitch23 | 15

#6543000 - Tuesday 23 February 2016 7:26

I for sure would've recorded it and reported them to higher up.

Reply

ApollosMyth | 22

#6543022 - Tuesday 23 February 2016 8:00

I think it was the customers he was calling again who said it to him, not his boss.

Reply

science-teacher | 15

#6543028 - Tuesday 23 February 2016 8:34

fair sure he meant customers...

By GarfieldDaCat | 5

#6543002 - Tuesday 23 February 2016 7:28

tell him to fuck off

Reply

igive | 28

#6543007 - Tuesday 23 February 2016 7:33

The leads told him to fucker off, not the boss.

Reply

GarfieldDaCat | 5

#6543302 - Tuesday 23 February 2016 17:20

whoops i was kinda tired and didnt read it right when i made that post lol i dont think properly when im tired

By xStarzx | 11

#6543011 - Tuesday 23 February 2016 7:36

What an asshat

By HofstraGirl | 14

#6543016 - Tuesday 23 February 2016 7:39

Welp... looks like 27 people remembered you called them last week. At least you're memorable?