Miscellaneous: Today, I looked in my mouse's cage and noticed a tiny weed growing....

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I looked in my mouse's cage and noticed a tiny weed growing. I've been trying to grow a garden for years to no avail. Even my mouse is a better gardener than I am. FML

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Miscellaneous

Understandable

Banished

Bad boys, bad boys…

By Alaska fire - United States - Eagle River

Today, I was the only sober person at a bonfire. After being hit in the eye with a snowball, taking people's keys away because they were too wasted to drive, making sure no one died and stabbing the bottom of my foot with a nail, I got to sleep in the snow. Without any blankets. FML

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By NCanalyst - Norway

Today, I interviewed potential employees for a job position that I was supposed to get promoted to. FML

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By ashleighsheba - United States - La Vergne

Today, I got pulled over, not because I was speeding but because apparently, I looked like a kid driving. The officer said I was too short to drive and needed a booster seat. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Lindsay

Today, while working as a swim instructor, I started singing the hokey pokey to get all the kids used to putting their faces in the water. One of the kids was covering his ears. When I asked him why, he said "because you were singing." He's 3. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mahwah

Today, while attempting the Italian Chandelier with my girlfriend, I heard a popping noise, and then had a sharp pain in my dick. Turns out I "broke" it. Instead of calling 911 immediately, my girlfriend remarked how my now black and blue penis looked like a Smurf. FML

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By elevatorjerk - United States

Today, I was going to work and got in the elevator. I was going through my bag for my phone and asked the man in the elevator to push the button for me. He gave me a look of death before I realized he had no arms. FML

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By ouch - United States

Today, my girlfriend was telling me how concerned she was about her weight. I told her not to worry, because it gives more cushion for the pushin' anyway. She picked up a lamp and threw it right at my dingleberries. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my boss yelled at me in front of several customers for gesturing too much while I talk, because it's "unprofessional". I was using sign language. FML

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By don't cry over spilled milk - United States - Elmendorf Afb

Today, after struggling with breastfeeding and trying to build up my milk supply, I was finally able to pump a full 6 oz! I celebrated by immediately spilling it all over my lap. FML

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By tash - Canada

Today, while I was mowing the lawn in my backyard, I ran over a glass bottle. My legs looked like a disco ball. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was applying for jobs online when my father called. When I told him what I was doing, he said in all seriousness that I should just be a sugar baby. I said he must be joking, but he replied, "Honey, if I had your tits, I'd never work a day in my life." 5ML

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By Unfortunate - Canada

Today, my boyfriend had a Christmas party for all of our friends. He asked me not to get "too drunk". I think throwing up on the floor while simultaneously peeing your pants fit his definition. FML

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By up to no-good... - United States - Albuquerque

Who? Where? Why? What?

Today, my parents accused me of being secretive. I have no idea what they're talking about; all I do is work, go to school, sleep, and eat. Now I'm grounded until I tell them what's going on. I have crazy parents, that's what's going on. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Atwater

Today, a shopper approached me at Target and said, "So are you just gonna stand there to look pretty and do nothing around here?" I ignored his comment, until he got so upset that he wanted to speak to my manager. It would have been understandable if I actually worked there. FML

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By mandy_2480 - China

Today, I had to stop my 26 year old fiancé from picking his nose and eating it like a little boy. Three times. FML

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By cheesy grin

Today, my front tooth randomly fell out in the middle of class. I brush regularly and visit the dentist, the tooth was perfectly healthy looking, and it didn’t hurt beforehand or bleed. It literally just fell out for no reason. Now I have a gap grin and I don’t know why. FML

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By notanightowlanymore - United States - Clyde

Today, my grandfather showed up at my house in a panic. He rushed over, with a gun, because I wasn't answering his texts and he thought something had happened to me. I was asleep. FML

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By Wheredigowrong - United States - Ankeny

Today, my son came home for the fifth time saying he didn't get the job, wondering what he did wrong. I looked at his resumé; under special skills was, "Keeping it real." Apparently he saw it in a movie and thought it would work. FML

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By public pooper - United States

Today, I was hanging out with a guy I really like. I let him use my phone, forgetting about the messages I'd sent about the consistency of my bowel movements. FML

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By Lexxxiii - 26/3/2021 11:01

Stuck

Today, my friend informed me that I’m not moving in with him anymore that his sister is taking my place. Unfortunately, I'd finally gathered the money and a car to move out of state with him. Just when I thought I was going to get away from this hellhole, I’m sinking further into never leaving. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New Britain

Today, I found out that the nickname my friend has been calling me in Japanese for the past year is the word for "Idiot". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Schnecksville

Today, I found out that my "girlfriend" is only with me for free transportation. She even has my contact saved as the car emoji. FML

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By sharni88 - Australia

Today, while bored at work I was reading an article online about the local zoo and its animals. I received an email so quickly responded, but when signing off accidentally wrote "thanks hippo" instead of "thanks heaps". To a woman with a weight problem. Who also outranks me. FML

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By unfucked - Australia - Mona Vale

Today, my girlfriend and I reconciled after having a huge fight last week. We went out drinking, and things got pretty intense, so we went back to my place. We made it to the bedroom, but somewhere between her taking off my shirt and me taking off her pants, we both passed out. FML

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By crazygirl - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I realized that the vibrator we bought got sent to his parents house. He picked it up from them, brought it home, and we discovered that they had already opened the package. They even tried to hide the evidence by re-taping it. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/1/2021 02:01

Alcoholics of the world, get help

Today, I know my life is awesome when my partner and I have to plan watching movies and having sex around his drinking schedule. FML

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By screwed - United States - Amarillo

Today, I had to give a deposition ahead of a trial in which my former boss is accused of fraud. I'm not a smart man, and I smoked a joint before heading out to try to calm my nerves. I got way too high and ended up giggling like an idiot through half the deposition. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Heavy

Today, a 100-foot maple tree fell on my house. I was inside. I was sleeping. FML

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By Your ass... Grab it... - United States - Grand Prairie

Today, I was out on a leisurely jog. Out of nowhere, a car slowed down in the street, and a passenger screamed "HAPPY 4TH OF JULY, MOTHERFUCKER," before tossing a lit Roman Candle at my feet. FML

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By Dragoness11 - United Kingdom

Today, at a cheap restaurant, my dad asked me if I wanted a straw. I declined, saying I wanted to do my bit for the environment and not waste plastic when I'm fine without. He grabbed three and dropped them on the sticky table, "just in case." FML

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By Mogg - Australia

Move!

Today, I was at the cinema. There was a really tall woman in front of me and whenever I leaned to the right or left she would lean to the same side I do. Later, she started laughing. They guy next to her was telling her where I moved. FML

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By hjufidskndf - United States

Today, I discovered that my boyfriend has been asked by multiple people "why he is going out with such an ugly girl." FML

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By Anonymous - 12/9/2020 02:03

"I Raised a Sociopath"

Today, my daughter admitted she struggles to keep a boyfriend because as soon as she shares with them her kink of fucking guys with strap-ons and occasionally inserting other items into them, they flee. As a father, this was way more info about my daughter's sex life than I can handle. FML

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By clean - Australia - Ashfield

Today, I walked in the bathroom to find my son cleaning his penis. It wouldn't have been so bad if he wasn't cleaning it with a toothbrush. FML

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By Anon - United States

Today, the girl I had a crush on for the past few months called me and wanted to tell me something. Excited, I agreed and we went out to dinner. She wanted to tell me she had been secretly seeing 'someone' for the past six months. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was eating dinner with a friend when a really hot guy came up and introduced himself. He told us he was vegetarian, and I wanted to impress him so I told him I was too. I was eating a steak. FML

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By goodstudent - United States

Today, I left my grandmother's burial to take a midterm. Earlier I e-mailed the professor to ask permission to take it later, and she flat out said "no." I left my grieving family, and traveled hours back to school. I went to class, only to discover that the prof decided to move the exam date. FML

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61706

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By ViviMage

Today, I was nearly T-Boned at a stop sign by my ex-roommate. I moved 10 miles away to get away from her after her midlife crisis, and her losing the house, and now avoid her end of town. She now works outside my apartment. FML

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1674

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By hugs511 - United States

Today, I spent my date night babysitting. After waiting three hours later than I was supposed, the mother finally gets home at 11, too late for me to get out and have any fun. Already annoyed, I take the money as she says, "I hope this is enough, I got hungry and spent some of your money." FML

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By people will think I'm Shelley Duvall

Today, my son's yearbook came. I was pretty happy, because I also ordered a larger version of his photo because he's going to California for college and I wanted a special picture of him to keep. Unfortunately, my happiness disappeared when I saw that he was wearing a horse mask in the photo. FML

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Top comments

By ceepevoy | 0

#2119960 - Friday 25 February 2011 1:41

ur mouse is growing weed plants to cope with his sucky jail celled life XD

By ScaryyMary | 14

#2120178 - Friday 25 February 2011 2:32

Don't feel like a dope or be hash on yourself. You'll grow some grass eventually, maybe pot today, maybe pot tomorrow, but someday. Not everybody has a green thumb. Maybe you could ask your friend Mary Jane to hemp you out with your gardening, just take her out to lunch at a local burger joint in exchange for her assistance. It cannabis too hard.

All these crappy puns are making Mary-wanna get high now...

(Man, I wish I was as clever with these as DocBastard.)

COMMENTS

By abbi96x | 0

#2119936 - Friday 25 February 2011 1:32

LOL.
Gardening mouseee?
That's a new one.. :')

By babymickeycakes | 0

#2119938 - Friday 25 February 2011 1:33

How is that possible ? Do you have dirt in your mouse cage ?? Do you water the cage ??

Ariannalang | 0

#2120490 - Friday 25 February 2011 3:57

You feed rats seeds and nearly all of the water bottles drip. It happened to my hamsters old cage. I had left it in my garage when my hamster died and about a week later a plant popped up. But OP seriously needs to clean her pet's cage.

smashgrab | 0

#2121226 - Friday 25 February 2011 4:47

Really, clean the damn cage. Stop neglecting your pet, and be fucking responsible. F your pets life is more accurate.

fakeposta | 0

#2121924 - Friday 25 February 2011 8:37

do u know dat shit is better Dan dirt? lol

rjdr | 7

#2122005 - Friday 25 February 2011 9:11

ds you know that you appear to be a fucking retard?

ConfusionsLoveMe | 0

#2124434 - Saturday 26 February 2011 2:37

That's adorable.

omg36 | 7

#4952159 - Thursday 20 September 2012 7:30

Haha yay I'm not the only person who immediately thought of an adorable little mouse gardener

By ceepevoy | 0

#2119960 - Friday 25 February 2011 1:41

ur mouse is growing weed plants to cope with his sucky jail celled life XD

By irokyoursox | 6

#2119970 - Friday 25 February 2011 1:44

haha its his weed lab

chili_is_good | 0

#2132483 - Monday 28 February 2011 11:02

true and awesome picture!

By jordy1993 | 0

#2119983 - Friday 25 February 2011 1:47

I wish my pet would grow me some weed.

Hidan_fml | 0

#2119995 - Friday 25 February 2011 1:50

Me too.

tona01 | 16

#2120139 - Friday 25 February 2011 2:20

me too :(

Thanatos1206 | 0

#2121686 - Friday 25 February 2011 7:05

You mean you guy's pets don't?!

goaliemkl123 | 8

#2122234 - Friday 25 February 2011 10:22

yeah. my chinchilla knows how to grow weed. he doesn't smoke tho

By Dottiemojzak | 9

#2119985 - Friday 25 February 2011 1:47

I've been raising rats for the past 5 years, and it can happen. Their crap and water from the water dish and sun from the window will do just that. In fact, the rats liked to chew on the weeds and grass :s

Grimmerie | 31

#2122291 - Friday 25 February 2011 10:48

i used to plant oat grass in my rat cage. my rat was dumb as a post, but he loved it. i feed oat grass to my turtle regularly and he's far healthier as a result. i always encourage pet owners to keep plenty of nontoxic, green plants about; i find pets are healthier, happier and much more energetic as a result.