Today, I locked my keys in my car. After spending 20 minutes... - FML

By .... - 17/4/2009 16:49 - United States

Today, I locked my keys in my car. After spending 20 minutes on the phone with AAA, and then waiting a half hour, the guy showed up, he stuck his hand in the drivers side window and asked, "You couldn't just reach in?" I forgot I left the window open. FML

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Delayed proposal

Insane parents

Rich people problems

By Anonymous - 17/12/2009 04:02 - United States

Today, I found out that when an officer screams, "DON'T MOVE OR I'LL TASE YOU", it really means, "If you so much as flinch I'm going to shoot and 50,000 volts will be directed through your nose and groin." FML

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By Birthday1313 - 15/7/2019 12:10

Today, my mother learned a new expression and uses it in every sentence. Her special, new expression is "boom diggity." It's apparently "hip." FML

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By Anonymous - 5/8/2015 06:13 - United States - Brookfield

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because he wasn't feeling our two-month relationship was up to par with his parents' 30-year marriage, and, furthermore, I wasn't similar enough to his mother. FML

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By booger - 18/7/2013 07:41 - United States - Plano

Today, while lying in bed, my boyfriend began to stroke my nose. "You can pick your girlfriend, but you can't pick your girlfriend's nose," I said playfully. In response, he shouted "Yes, I can!" before painfully jamming his pinky up my left nostril. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/1/2009 05:42 - France

Today, I discovered that Paolo has a big penis, that he's good in bed and that the hotel sheets still remember it all. Mum, the walls won't get any thicker just 'cause you're on the telephone. FML

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By imy - 18/10/2011 15:01 - United States

Today, while performing a rectal exam on my female patient, I inadvertently said, "Okay, you're going to feel some pleasure now." I meant "pressure". Her husband was in the room. FML

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By Stupendous_ - 3/12/2012 07:17 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, while visiting my widowed great aunt, she took out her wedding rings and talked about the love she and my uncle had. Smiling, I told her that one day I hope to have as happy a marriage as theirs. Her response? "Knowing you, I wouldn't count on it." My mother sat there agreeing. FML

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By MenstrualCrampsRuinedMyAcademicFuture - 25/7/2017 19:00 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, I vomitted on an Oxford professor during my first university interview. They called me "little miss nervous" in my second interview. FML

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By elle - 23/5/2011 10:17

Today, I found out that the peaceful rain I'd been listening to all night was really a broken water-main flooding my entire yard. FML

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By little nokken - 19/5/2018 13:00 - United States

Today, I was out driving with my dad when the car broke down. He made me get out and push. I am a 5 ft tall 90 lb girl, and the car was an SUV. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/11/2009 07:31 - United States

Today, my boss called me into her office to tell me I needed to mind my own business and not question everything my newest co-worker does. Yesterday, I stopped the new girl from giving $6,000 to the wrong person. I was fired on the spot. The new girl was promoted into my job. FML

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By Getthelysol - 10/10/2018 05:00

Today, I gave my 8-month-old a bath in the kitchen sink after dinner, like I always do. Today, she decided to poop in it. FML

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By antisocial - 12/8/2010 08:07 - Canada

Today, I told my parents that I wasn't feeling very social and up for company. How do they try to make me feel better? By inviting a whole bunch of people I don't know to a pool party at my house. They said I should face my fears. I'm now in my room, hiding. FML

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By ObviousBooty - 17/7/2016 07:31 - United States - Kankakee

Today, me and my dad were in a sort of prank war. I decided to get him back for one last time tonight, so I hid in his office to scare him. This would have been okay had I not caught him watching porn. I had to hide for an hour. FML

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By britanyann - 6/1/2012 03:45 - United States

Today, I had to explain to my 25-year-old boyfriend why we cannot get pet raccoons. This is not the first time we have had this conversation. FML

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By vstan - 25/8/2010 00:48 - United States

Today, I swerved off the road and hit a tree in order to avoid hitting a dog that came out of nowhere. Don't worry, I didn't hit him. The person behind me did, though. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/3/2020 18:00 - Netherlands - Bergeyk

Help this person out, please?

Today, I have no close friends, only "people I know and occasionally talk to." I have no idea how I got here, and how to re-socialize back. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/12/2013 16:24 - United States - Cleveland

Today, I went to a wake. When my dad picked me up, I was still pretty upset. Just when I'd had enough of death, the car hits a raccoon on the way home. FML

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By lovehurts - 10/2/2016 02:29 - United States - New Baltimore

Today, I met up with my 'on again, off again' girlfriend of 4 years that I'm still madly in love with. We've been broken up for a few months and she's been dating someone else. We talked about possibly trying things again. When I got home, I found out she's engaged. FML

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By NotSoCool - 15/5/2009 04:41 - Singapore

Today, I was pulling my trolley luggage at the airport when I passed 2 cute girls smiling at me. Thinking I looked real cool, I kept on walking without paying heed to anything else. Then my brother shouted asking me what was I doing, only to realise that the handle had come off a few metres back. FML

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By Jenny - 5/4/2020 23:00

Three is a magic number

Today, my 15-year-old daughter told me that she's pregnant. To make matters worse, she doesn't know who the father is. She told me not to worry though, because she has it narrowed down to "like, only 3 guys." FML

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By Danielle22291 - 29/4/2017 17:27 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, as a waitress at Denny's, I had a 25 top table. Only 3 of them spoke English. FML

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By alex327 - 29/10/2015 03:32 - United States - Dayton

Today, I tapped my sister on her shoulder to get her attention. I guess I was too close to her neck, which is where she is most ticklish, and ended up in the emergency room with a broken nose after she elbowed me in the face. I was just trying to repay her the $10 I borrowed from her. FML

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By dontaskdonttell - 24/4/2009 06:27 - United States

Today, I was closing the deal on this beautiful $200k ranch in the country. The buyer soon pulls up and we get to discussing the contract terms, soon the buyer asks the seller," Wow why is this house going so cheap?" The seller replies, "Do you believe in ghosts?" There goes my $8,000 commission. FML

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By WTFwhywouldyoudothat - 22/8/2011 22:10 - United Kingdom

Today, my house got broken into. Thankfully they didn't steal anything. They did, however, move things around into strange places and mess up my underwear. I have severe OCD, so this is probably worse than if they had taken everything. FML

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By Nxydolli - 29/4/2011 19:34 - United Kingdom

Today, I found myself crying for an hour when my recreated crush on The Sims 3 game rejected my character and ran off with someone else. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/10/2009 21:22 - United States

Today, it was my wedding day. I gave a speech about the first time my wife and I met. I said I knew she was the perfect woman for me and it was love at first sight. I looked to my right as she stormed off and then realized I had told a story about my ex-girlfriend who was sitting in the crowd. FML

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By stephanie - 28/9/2018 03:00

Today, my husband tried to use his "grief" over his grandmother's death to manipulate me into giving him a blowjob. In the toilets. During the funeral. With his family only a few yards down the hall crying their eyes out. What an asshole I married. An absolute asshole. FML

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By Awahso - 16/10/2013 21:42 - United States - Buford

Today, I had to buy a new boxcutter for work after our old one broke. It came in a box, the type which policy requires a boxcutter to open. FML

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By ihatemylife - 23/10/2009 15:54 - United States

Today, I had to remind my roommates of the importance of wearing clothing at all times in the common living area. My roommates are my parents. FML

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By swimfaned - 9/1/2015 11:43 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she's afraid of my ex-wife. This is the third one in a row to use that very reason. The judge still won't accept my pleas for a restraining order. FML

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By RedHotRoses - 20/12/2017 15:00

Today, I walked into my office and found my ex-roommate going through my desk. Apparently, despite not wanting to be friends or even speak anymore, he has no qualms about "borrowing" my Master's thesis so he can compare and write his. FML

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By are you kidding me - 22/7/2017 20:03

Today, I learned the venue owner and producer for the musical I'm in is under criminal investigation. What for? Three separate sexual assault incidents and putting cameras in our dressing rooms. FML

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By Johntheladdo - 29/3/2011 17:26 - United Kingdom

Well?

Today, I heard the four most dreaded words known to man during my first time: "Is it in yet?" It was. FML

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By littlemisstiny - 29/8/2009 08:48 - Ireland

Today, I swapped seats with someone on a ferry so she could sit next to her friend. Minutes later, a child sitting behind me threw up on my head, while the girl I had swapped with and her friend laughed hysterically as I attempted to wipe the puke from my hair. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/7/2009 07:07 - United States

Today, I had an important powerpoint presentation for ALL the big execs at work. It seems that during my lunch break, my boyfriend IMed me on my mac saying "Feeling so horny right now, come home for a quicky like last week?" I didn't see it until the presentation. So did the executives. FML

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By blondessdoll - 4/5/2016 17:30 - United States

Today, when getting my eyebrows waxed, the lady cursed "oh shit!" under her breath, right after waxing half of my brow off. FML

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By me - 14/6/2014 15:28 - United States - West Babylon

Today, I found out that the guy who asked me out only did so because he thought I "looked rich." He broke everything off once he found out I live in a one-bedroom apartment and drive a 14-year old Volvo. FML

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By armybrat - 10/7/2009 00:19 - United States

Today, I decided to take a nap while babysitting my neighbors kids for the day. I was woken up by this obnoxious sound, only to find the youngest kid holding scissors in one hand, a pony tail of hair in his shorts jumping around like a horse, oh, and a bald spot on the back of my head. FML

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By MegGRRRz - 28/11/2009 15:33 - United States

Today, I woke up and took my mom to work. It wasn't until after I got home, logged on Facebook and looked at the upcoming birthdays to see that it was her birthday today. No wonder she was silent the entire car ride and slammed the door on the way out. FML

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Top comments

By uglymoose89 | 0

#120172 - Friday 17 April 2009 23:08

ahahhaahha, i'm sorry but that's hilarious. Sometimes common sense commits suicide when we need it. =D

By kkkristennnn | 0

#120174 - Friday 17 April 2009 23:08

dumbass

COMMENTS

By uglymoose89 | 0

#120172 - Friday 17 April 2009 23:08

ahahhaahha, i'm sorry but that's hilarious. Sometimes common sense commits suicide when we need it. =D

Reply

hellokittywhore | 0

#988783 - Thursday 6 May 2010 5:50

smooth

Reply

kyleinsane | 0

#1025978 - Thursday 10 June 2010 6:07

are you fucking kidding? your dumber than Billy madison.... fucking retard

Reply

scardoza | 0

#1244368 - Sunday 15 August 2010 8:30

billy madison!!! tht shitz hilarious

Reply

azhein | 0

#1311605 - Saturday 28 August 2010 10:35

there's no way you didn't know in 20 minutes unless as soon as you realized it was locked you didn't mess with it again. the first thing I would do is see if my window was cracked so I could get something in there to unlock it

Reply

tashb | 17

#6037415 - Thursday 14 August 2014 17:01

Ehh I don't know. This doesn't sound legit to me. My 5 year old nephew is smarter than you.

By kkkristennnn | 0

#120174 - Friday 17 April 2009 23:08

dumbass

By inoculated | 0

#120179 - Friday 17 April 2009 23:08

For the sake of the human gene pool I hope this is fake.

Reply

B_Foxy | 0

#707672 - Sunday 6 December 2009 22:46

You took the words right out of my mouth, #3.

Reply

sacredlie | 1

#941697 - Saturday 13 March 2010 9:00

#3 i 2nd that

By friday1892 | 0

#120182 - Friday 17 April 2009 23:08

your parents must be so proud of you.

By FBIWarning | 0

#120195 - Friday 17 April 2009 23:10

*golf clap*

By Bitts | 0

#120210 - Friday 17 April 2009 23:12

You are a dumbass

Reply

Sybarite_fml | 5

#4607047 - Sunday 24 June 2012 7:36

Explains the comma splicing

By PureGold | 0

#120221 - Friday 17 April 2009 23:14

Wow he must have thought you were an idiot xP
But seriously...how did you not notice?

By emery52 | 0

#120226 - Friday 17 April 2009 23:15

JOKE

By Bobskoo | 0

#120230 - Friday 17 April 2009 23:15

I was almost sick with laughter. You sound like my senile grandmother. ARE you my senile grandmother?

By piderman13 | 0

#120234 - Friday 17 April 2009 23:16

Honestly, I'm impressed. For those who have seen the movie "Idiocracy," I never really thought it would happen but with people like you the world has a chance. Unfortunately.