Intimacy: Today, I listened to my room mate having sex from 3 A.M. until...

By skipper - United States

Today, I listened to my room mate having sex from 3 A.M. until 6 A.M. When I looked over at my girlfriend, who must have thought I was sleeping, I noticed she was masturbating. FML

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Intimacy

The smell detective is on the case

Ah yes, homophobic jokes, so funny

Great parenting, mom

By Yo mom - United States

Today, I was screaming at my neighbor to shut his dog up. After 30 minutes of bellowing, he yelled back that it was my dog that was barking. He was right. FML

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By creepedasfuck - United States - Limington

Today, my step-brother had some serious bowel distress and rushed to the bathroom. Because he forgot to quit his group chat with his buddies, I quickly found out that the reason he's so over-protective, and hostile to my male friends, is because he wants to get into my pants. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, as I kissed my husband after our wedding vows, my mother-in-law muttered "Slut." loudly from the front row. Everyone heard her, but kept smiling and pretended to be oblivious. FML

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By Anonymous

Bumbling

Today, my girlfriend and I enjoyed a lovely shower together. It was indeed lovely until her father came into the washroom to say “Welcome to the family!” whilst taking a giant shit. FML

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By StillnothowIimaginedmydaygoing - United States - Radcliff

Today, my boyfriend found out that male goats will stick their tongues out, snort, and garble at female goats in heat. Now he's doing it to me at all manner of times, sound effects and all. I now know why goats ram their heads into things repeatedly. FML

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By no selfie for me - United States - Pasadena

Today, I was at the park unsuccessfully trying to take a selfie. A stranger walked up to me and offered to take the picture for me. I agreed and gave him my phone. He took it and ran off. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my wife came home drunk, telling me all about this amazing man she met at the club with her friends, and how she wanted to have sex with him but couldn't because she was on her period. What a present. FML

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By Hakimstah - Lebanon

Pranked

Today, I woke up to a really cold feeling down below. I opened my eyes and saw my girlfriend grinning like a maniac and holding my crotch-sausage between two scissor blades. I screamed in terror like a little bitch, and she says I'm never gonna live this down. FML

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By anon

Today, I finally got the courage to say to my boyfriend that I feel invisible and ignored. To this he said 'You aren't invisible, I mean, look at that nose.' FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brooklyn

Today, we had a meeting at my job and we had to introduce new ideas to our boss. Earlier, I was talking to one of my close friends who also attended the meeting about my idea. As we start the meeting, she decides to steal my idea and take complete credit for it. My boss loves "her" idea. FML

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By kylie

Today, I’m trying to be healthy. My friends suggested I keep junk food out of the house so I don’t crave it. Yeah, that didn’t work. My car wouldn’t start so I actually made the four-mile walk to the nearest grocery store to get junk food. FML

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By RitaDahhlinnnng - United States

Today, I had my first real date with my first serious boyfriend. I was nervous because from past experience. I learned my lips were a bit ticklish and I usually giggled a bit during kissing. Well, we started making out and I thought was I doing pretty good hiding my laughs. Until I wet myself. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Sudbury

Today, I received a $20 gift card to Tim Horton's as a prize, and decided to use it. At the register, I was told that I'd essentially won an empty gift card. FML

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By monsterinlaw - United States - Columbus

Today, I found out that even after three years, my boyfriend's mother replies, "Unfortunately" when asked if we are still together. FML

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By Taylor - United States - Dubuque

Today, my boyfriend drove 20 miles to come see me. The closest we got to intimacy was him showing me how he could unlock his iPhone 5s with his penis. FML

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By kellb123 - United States

Today, I was at work, and was told to clean up the urine that a child had left down the slide inside the play place. While in the slide, another little kid peed on my head. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went on my first date in over a year, and my best friend popped up at the restaurant uninvited. To make it worse, she pulled up a chair right in between us and started an argument with the bartender. FML

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By makeitstop - Canada

Today, at work, I was forced to listen to the Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers Christmas album on repeat for 8 hours. FML

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By 0h_Boy - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my wife and I were Skyping, when she decided to put on a "show" for me. Seconds before she was about to climax, we lost internet connection. FML

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By i_am_forever - United States - San Francisco

Today, my daughter was putting clothes in the drier when she yelled, "Mom!! The drier won't start!" I had to explain to her that the door needed to be shut. Her response, "Oh. I didn't know that mattered." She's 15. FML

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By Forever alone Guy - Australia - Narre Warren

Today, I've been single for so long my grandmother had to ask if I actually like women or not. FML

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By tommy3824 - United States

Today, was the first day all week I got to sleep in. I woke up this beautiful morning to the sun shining in my window and hundreds of carpenter ants crawling over my sheets and me. FML

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By Murphy

Today, I bought ingredients for one of my favorite meals and went home to take a nap. When I woke up, my sister had cooked them for everyone else in the house, who ate it all without me. I was told that I shouldn't be angry, but instead proud of my adult sister because, "She cooked!" FML

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By cpmolly - United States - Omaha

Today, I was waiting in line with my boyfriend behind me. I decided to hold his hand and rub his chest while we waited. Then I heard a female voice behind me that said, "Ma'am, please don't touch me." FML

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By xXWhiteSheepXx - United States - Omaha

Today, my cat likes to share my pillow at night. I guess she was extra comfortable last night, because she didn't bother getting off it to hack up a hairball. I woke up because I rolled my face onto it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I noticed my dog chewing on something while on the couch. It looked like a wash rag of some sort, so I grabbed it from my dog. It wasn't until after I picked it up that I noticed it wasn't a wash rag. It was a small, dead bird. FML

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By getmoneyab - Mexico

Today, I went to Cheese Cake Factory for dinner. There was this hot waiter who kept passing by. He saw me looking at him and I knew I had to say something. So when he approached my table I asked, "Excuse me, do you have any salt?" and he said, "I think it's right there on the table." FML

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By Anonymous - Mayotte - Mamoudzou

Today, I found a roach in my takeaway. I found it after I felt something hard in my mouth and spat pieces of it back out onto my plate. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, was the first day of potty training for my toddler. While watching a "How to Potty Train" video, I noticed my toddler was making a weird face on the side of the couch. I walked over to her, picked her up and a big pile of poop dropped. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I learned that when I start University next month I will have to either pay $900 for an all-access semester-long parking pass, pay $200 for for a bus pass that takes an hour to get to campus, or pay $100 to park outside campus and walk 4 miles to and from class each day. FML

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By sbutler - United States

Today, while at my job at a Christian summer camp, I overheard one of the kids swearing. I politely said, "Please, only speak as Jesus would." He paused for a moment and replied, "Go to hell." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after almost a year of dating and getting dumped out of the blue, I found out my ex-girlfriend wants to get a restraining order against me. I guess dropping a box of her things on her porch after she wouldn't answer her phone is considered stalking. FML

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By mama bear

Call the Midwife-slash-Locksmith

Today, my one-year-old son locked me out of the house. I had no spare key and both him and my 4-month-old decided that was the perfect time to scream bloody murder. FML

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By - United States - Floral Park

Today, I realized the only real accomplishment I've had in my life that I take any pride in is that I've had an FML published. FML

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By chichi - United States

Today, I went to Subway to grab some lunch. As I was paying, the cashier gave me a tip. He told me of a great acne medication that would do wonders. Thanks. FML

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By allycat - United States

Today, after a year of suspicion, I finally found out my sister is in a cult. My family's response? "It will be good for her." FML

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By Stigmamma

Today, I asked a hairdresser for an A-line bob. I was left with wavy bangs and hair, which is not A-line at all, it's 1 cm shorter on one side. She says she did my hair right, I just need to "style it properly." Not only is it fucked up, I later realised it's the EXACT same haircut as my mother-in-law's. FML

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By Numb - United States

Today, I got my wisdom teeth pulled. My usually detached and unromantic boyfriend rushed right over after work with flowers and movies. A little while later, he admitted excitedly that he'd heard the numbing medication also works on gag reflexes and wanted to test the theory. FML

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By milamadeleine243 - 22/10/2020 14:00

Runner up

Today, I finished a huge project for work. It took 3+ days and I was very proud of it. Except when I submitted it to my boss, he said that he'd already asked another person to do it. He used that person's project, not mine. FML

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By overachiever - United States

Today, I proudly informed my boyfriend that I am now a size 4, down from an 18, after months of dieting and exercising after he told me he would like me to be a size 6. He broke up with me for "not listening to what he wanted" and "being an overachiever". FML

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Top comments

By FunWriter20 | 0

#1688 - Friday 13 February 2009 0:15

Lol, I hope you helped her out.

By MCart_fml | 0

#1695 - Friday 13 February 2009 0:38

Seriously, why be the only one not getting off? Sleep is for the weak.

COMMENTS

By jm88 | 0

#1687 - Friday 13 February 2009 0:11

Or beat her with your--

By FunWriter20 | 0

#1688 - Friday 13 February 2009 0:15

Lol, I hope you helped her out.

little92 | 13

#5939973 - Saturday 10 May 2014 0:29

69 likes to this comment... I think Coincidence

Peter_Ohnigian | 14

#6067431 - Wednesday 17 September 2014 21:50

Jim: "Looks like you could use an extra hand!"

By MCart_fml | 0

#1695 - Friday 13 February 2009 0:38

Seriously, why be the only one not getting off? Sleep is for the weak.

By Aethren | 0

#1696 - Friday 13 February 2009 0:41

Today, I realized you are gay, FYL

By that_one_guy | 0

#1697 - Friday 13 February 2009 0:45

I elohel'd at that, Aethren.
Seriously though, your chick wanted some of that action, you shoulda jumped at the opportunity.

By Spinach | 0

#1707 - Friday 13 February 2009 1:10

When I first read this, I thought it was your mom having sex, and that would have been an issue. But your roommate? Get over it and get on your girlfriend.

By Dr_Phil | 0

#1708 - Friday 13 February 2009 1:11

Dude ... why didn't you just get on her? You f'd your own life.

By beerpong26 | 0

#1716 - Friday 13 February 2009 1:37

Obviously you dont know how to please your girl

By blah_blah_shity | 0

#1718 - Friday 13 February 2009 1:42

why didnt you bone her? lol

By Inkspell | 2

#1720 - Friday 13 February 2009 1:48

I'm 15 and i even know what to do in that situation. psh. You fail.

thorfinntheassri | 0

#1039846 - Wednesday 23 June 2010 2:50

I'm 14 and I know what to do in that situation.
power fail