Intimacy: Today, I listened to my room mate having sex from 3 A.M. until...

By skipper - United States

Today, I listened to my room mate having sex from 3 A.M. until 6 A.M. When I looked over at my girlfriend, who must have thought I was sleeping, I noticed she was masturbating. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47618

You deserved it

12025

Favorite

Intimacy

BO Central

There's no helping some people

Dangling modifier

By Tyler - United States

Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend for the first time. In an attempt to be romantic, I tried taking her panties off with my teeth. I got a mouthful of pubes stuck in my braces. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43144

You deserved it

34349

Favorite

By jgw

Today, I was certain that over the six years of struggling through my Ph.D., I had culminated in one truly original idea. Until I saw it published in another thesis, from 1953. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5637

You deserved it

660

Favorite

By Jeimaiku - United States

Today, my ex took my cat and gave her to an animal shelter while I was at work, saying he can't stand living with her any longer. He's moving out in 2 days. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34028

You deserved it

2721

Favorite

By sullry

Great solution

Today, I had a talk with my roommate that last semester my grades took a bit because he stays up late every night playing video games. And then asked him about playing less, so I can get more sleep. Today also, he gave me a pair of ear plugs and asked if they would solve the problem. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1535

You deserved it

792

Favorite

By fmlgirl - Netherlands - Hulst

Today, my brain-dead brother-in-law decided to play five finger fillet while at my place. Predictably, he ended up slicing a finger wide open. My mother-in-law now wants my blood, because she thinks I dared him to do it, and that clearly her perfect little angel couldn't be such a moron. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43893

You deserved it

3882

Favorite

By Joe - United States - Coalgate

Today, I started my new job at a fragrance store. While training, the manager had me smell all of the scents to become familiar with the products. Before my shift was over, I'd had three asthma attacks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25168

You deserved it

5711

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I snuck out of my house in the middle of the night. I ran into my dad carrying wine into another house. I didn't assume he was cheating until he saw me and said "I won't tell if you don't tell, please don't tell your mother". FML

I agree, your life sucks

86546

You deserved it

5484

Favorite

By clubber - Switzerland

Today, I was in a nightclub with my girlfriend when a beautiful woman looked at me in the most provocative way. I didn't want to upset my girlfriend, so I escaped to the bar. When I came back, I saw the same girl making out with my girlfriend. Maybe I wasn't the one she was looking at. FML

I agree, your life sucks

61206

You deserved it

9006

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was talking to the girl I really like, and she was telling me how crappy her day was. Trying to be nice, I gave her a back rub. I somehow managed to unhook her bra. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37322

You deserved it

8966

Favorite

By officeditz - United States - Saint Petersburg

Today, my District Manager was impressed by all the appointments in my upcoming calendar. Bubbling with pride, I blurted out "Oh, I just love to have all my slots filled!" The awkward silence was only broken by "That's what she said!" from the next cubicle. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27389

You deserved it

5648

Favorite

By pinkfreak94 - United States - Norwalk

Today, I kissed a boy for the first time in over a year. It was at drama club practice, and he quickly ended up asking the director if we could remove that scene from the play. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25680

You deserved it

2697

Favorite

By klutz - United States

Today, me and my friend were following this hot lifeguard around a waterpark. In the wave pool, I decided to be cute and "accidentally" bump into him during the waves to start a conversation. As I prepared to do this, a large wave pushed me off my feet and I fell face-first into his butt. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14802

You deserved it

56612

Favorite

By poorbastard - Canada - Longueuil

Today, I was called in over speakers at the airport. The man who was speaking clearly and nearly burst out laughing when he said my name. Soon, a few people around also snickered when they heard it. I had to wait five minutes before I could casually stand up. My last name is Bastard. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46378

You deserved it

3792

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, I found out who's been stealing clothes from me during swim practice. She called me a liar, despite wearing one of my sweaters, which has my initials stitched into it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48420

You deserved it

2761

Favorite

By Marea90h - 25/11/2020 16:58

Money management

Today, my fiancé finally was able secure a PS5, which I told him I'd get for Christmas. Due to high demand, I didn't think he'd be able to get it till next week or so. He bought it last night while I was sleeping. I have to pay my car insurance tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

700

You deserved it

285

Favorite

By V - United States

Today, I visited my 78 year old grandmother. She thanked me for visiting and gave me a magazine before I left telling me I might find something I like in there. When I got home I looked at the magazine only to realize it's full of dildos and sextoys. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42238

You deserved it

3389

Favorite

By Cow_girl_cutie - United States

Today, I was texting my boyfriend. He continued to tell me how he had to piss. We carried on this conversation for about 10 minutes, then I realized that was the most interesting conversation I have had with him in weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29270

You deserved it

6229

Favorite

By whoahshloann - United States

Today, I was watching Harry Potter. When all the students at Hogwarts started to clap at one point, I started clapping myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23823

You deserved it

53955

Favorite

By StormSeason - Australia - Sydney

Today, my dad watched the news and decided to start preparing for Hurricane Sandy by buying $300 worth of long-life and canned food. We live in Australia. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33749

You deserved it

2236

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Richland

Today, I found out what the two girls I sit near to fight about every day: seating. The loser has to sit next to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25002

You deserved it

2208

Favorite

By hozzyandie - Ireland

Today, at the office, everyone in my department swapped secret santa presents. I bought the guy whose name I picked a DVD box-set of his favorite TV series. One of my friends got a fancy make up kit. Another got a pack of posh notebooks. I got a toilet plunger. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32587

You deserved it

3316

Favorite

By no new apartment for me - United States - Hagerstown

Today, after more than six years of working my ass off, I finally summoned the courage to ask my boss for a raise. She just chuckled, "I'm gonna need you to eat a dick, John." and stared at me unblinking until I awkwardly left. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51586

You deserved it

4196

Favorite

By fart - United States - Houghton Lake

Today, I farted while asking a girl out to dinner. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35024

You deserved it

7213

Favorite

By hoplessG - United States

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend. I told her best friend the plan the day before. I got reservations to a restaurant on the beach, and we were going to arrive via boat. She never showed. Her parents called me asking why she left town to go to Paris. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37567

You deserved it

3325

Favorite

By wintersoldier - Austria

Today, while trying to comfort my little brother who just injured his leg, I tripped and sprained my ankle. At least he was amused. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24965

You deserved it

2352

Favorite

By WayTooMuchFacebook - United States

Today, I read some funny scribblings on a wall in the bathroom stall. My first instinct was to "Like" it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11098

You deserved it

33420

Favorite

By Mak10 - United States

Today, I learned the hard way that if you tell your child that they're old enough to cook their own food in the microwave, you have to make sure they're smart enough not to put the metal spoon in with the food as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10259

You deserved it

36838

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I told my husband that I wanted to take advantage of the alone time we would have while our kids are visiting my parents. My idea? A nice dinner out and kinky sex all night long. His idea? Chinese buffet and subsequent dutch ovens in bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29302

You deserved it

3953

Favorite

By Idontbelieveinmagic - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my dad refused to believe that the Animal Planet's mermaid mockumentaries were faked. Instead he got into a huge argument with me, claiming the government is covering up the existence of mermaids and must've threatened the producers to keep it quiet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40383

You deserved it

5405

Favorite

By Anonymous - Australia - Canberra

Today, after the topic of grandkids came up yet again, my fiancé confessed that we've been having trouble conceiving. Later, I overheard his mum telling him to take my engagement ring back to the store and get a refund, because apparently I'm not worth marrying if I can't give him kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25545

You deserved it

1608

Favorite

By catlady - United States

Today, my cat was in the bathroom when I was undressing to get into the shower. I realized that he was the only male to have seen me naked in the past two months. Then he started scratching the door for me to let him out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55487

You deserved it

8999

Favorite

By forgottenbday - United States - Canoga Park

Today, my boyfriend treated me to a surprise romantic dinner, and got me a huge balloon bouquet, a dozen roses, a beautiful card for my birthday. Too bad it's his ex's birthday and not mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38269

You deserved it

2713

Favorite

By rawr117

Today, while working at the local paintball place, I noticed a girl without the safety on her paintball gun. I approached and reminded her to put the safety on, to which she replied "Don't worry im not going to shoot you." And then she did. It hit my happy sacks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4926

You deserved it

527

Favorite

By married to a bipedal husky - United States - Lake Butler

Today, I found out that my wife sheds worse than a husky when she showers. I've had to clean the drain before I shower or it floods the bathroom floorrrrr. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10370

You deserved it

1191

Favorite

He prefers the dog

Today, my boyfriend kicked me out of bed so the dog could get under the covers. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1857

You deserved it

331

Favorite

By pokeballbra - United States

Today, I had to sit on the bus next to a creepy guy. He began pestering me with overly-sexual statements, and finally I told him I had a boyfriend. He responded with "Tell me his name so I can track him down, kill him, and hopefully take his place." FML

I agree, your life sucks

49756

You deserved it

4045

Favorite

By Madokami - United States - Kingston

Today, a customer became irrationally angry and called me a "stupid bitch", all because she couldn't use the coupon clearly marked "30% off grocery items" on a prescription from our pharmacy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6648

You deserved it

349

Favorite

By IHateMyJob - United States

Today, while scrubbing my car with the foam brush at a car wash, the hose for the brush came whipping around and smacked me hard in the side of the head, knocking off my glasses. I got disoriented from the blow and stepped on my glasses, completely smashing them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27594

You deserved it

3371

Favorite

By Shan.nel - United States - Greer

Today, I met with my trainer, despite having an upset stomach. Have you ever tried to hold in diarrhea while doing squats? It doesn't end well. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3356

You deserved it

1261

Favorite

By Anonymous

Jagged Little Pill

Today, my daughter wanted to show me the tooth she had just lost. As I was in a rush to leave for work, I quickly picked up and swallowed my pill that was on the kitchen table. It was only until I looked back down at the table did I see not only my pill, but one extremely angry daughter glaring at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1429

You deserved it

827

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By FunWriter20 | 0

#1688 - Friday 13 February 2009 0:15

Lol, I hope you helped her out.

By MCart_fml | 0

#1695 - Friday 13 February 2009 0:38

Seriously, why be the only one not getting off? Sleep is for the weak.

COMMENTS

By jm88 | 0

#1687 - Friday 13 February 2009 0:11

Or beat her with your--

By FunWriter20 | 0

#1688 - Friday 13 February 2009 0:15

Lol, I hope you helped her out.

little92 | 13

#5939973 - Saturday 10 May 2014 0:29

69 likes to this comment... I think Coincidence

Peter_Ohnigian | 14

#6067431 - Wednesday 17 September 2014 21:50

Jim: "Looks like you could use an extra hand!"

By MCart_fml | 0

#1695 - Friday 13 February 2009 0:38

Seriously, why be the only one not getting off? Sleep is for the weak.

By Aethren | 0

#1696 - Friday 13 February 2009 0:41

Today, I realized you are gay, FYL

By that_one_guy | 0

#1697 - Friday 13 February 2009 0:45

I elohel'd at that, Aethren.
Seriously though, your chick wanted some of that action, you shoulda jumped at the opportunity.

By Spinach | 0

#1707 - Friday 13 February 2009 1:10

When I first read this, I thought it was your mom having sex, and that would have been an issue. But your roommate? Get over it and get on your girlfriend.

By Dr_Phil | 0

#1708 - Friday 13 February 2009 1:11

Dude ... why didn't you just get on her? You f'd your own life.

By beerpong26 | 0

#1716 - Friday 13 February 2009 1:37

Obviously you dont know how to please your girl

By blah_blah_shity | 0

#1718 - Friday 13 February 2009 1:42

why didnt you bone her? lol

By Inkspell | 2

#1720 - Friday 13 February 2009 1:48

I'm 15 and i even know what to do in that situation. psh. You fail.

thorfinntheassri | 0

#1039846 - Wednesday 23 June 2010 2:50

I'm 14 and I know what to do in that situation.
power fail