Miscellaneous: Today, I listened to a voice mail from my mom about how she misses... - FML

By taylor124 - United States

Today, I listened to a voice mail from my mom about how she misses me and cant wait to see me when I get back from vacation. Thinking she hung up, my mother then had a conversation with my aunt about how quiet the house is without me and how she'd be blessed if I didn't come home. FML

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Out of it

Catch 22

It's the thought that counts

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally moved all my boxes into my new apartment. I was settling in when my alarm clock that was stashed in one of the boxes began ringing. Two hours and several boxes later, I still can't find it. FML

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By Austyn

Today, I brought home a ukulele I had just bought. Excited, I showed my dad. He then looked at me, smirked, and said "Just like everything else you have, it's a bit smaller than normal." FML

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By mike - United States

Today, I set up a mouse trap to kill the rodent plaguing my kitchen. While lying in bed, I heard an unmistakable snap, and ran to see what I'd caught. The mouse trap was missing. I now have a large, angry, and possibly dying animal running around my house. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Walbridge

Today, my mom finally noticed the joke file I have on my PC desktop called "bigcocklovespussy.jpg". It's just a cute picture of a chicken snuggling with a cat. She didn't actually open the file and just deleted it. She won't believe my explanation and grounded me for a month for "looking at porn". FML

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By bob - United States - Fairborn

Today, I woke up to a nude picture of my girlfriend. Once I looked at it my morning wood went away. FML

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By gummy bear

Today, trying to be an old-school romantic, I asked my girlfriend "where art thou my love?" via SMS. She replied "Toilet." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Raleigh

Today, I woke up to find a huge zit directly between my two eyebrows. My friends have started calling me "The North Star." FML

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By chickennoodlesoup - Canada

Today, I made chicken noodle soup for the girl I've been seeing to help her get over her cold. From scratch. Everything fresh save for the canned chicken stock. It took an hour in preparation and half an hour to take the bus to her place. Her first words? The celery's not cooked enough. FML

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By peoplesuck - United States

Today, I stayed up all night to study for my anatomy final at 9 a.m. I studied outside the testing room in the hall all night. Apparently I feel asleep with my headphones as my friend woke me up after walking out of the test asking how I did. 300 classmates walked by and no one woke me up. FML

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By danthecomplicate - United States

Today, my girlfriend changed her relationship status on Facebook to 'It's Complicated' because I didn't give her my last cookie. This happens all the time. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Miami

Today, at work, man who was buying medicine for his son came up to me for help. He didn't know how to explain it to me, so instead he showed me a picture of a rash on his kid's butthole. FML

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By Ringo McDingo - United States

Today, while I was sleeping, I managed to knock down the curtains by my bed. That would explain the gash on my head and blood on my bed. FML

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By LonelyBoy - Australia

Today, I was going through the history on my computer. Apparently, while I was at school my mother used my computer, and I now know my mother wants to learn how to make her breasts look larger, amongst other things. FML

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By Alright. - United States - Missoula

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because he says, "There's too much of an age gap between us" and that it makes him "feel like a pedophile". He's only four months older than I am. FML

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By countryblumpkin - United States - Grand Rapids

Today, my husband begged me to go down on him while he sat on the toilet, taking a crap. He tried to convince me that we'd both somehow experience mind-blowing orgasms. FML

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By CaBur - United States - Los Angeles

Today, at work I got in an elevator to go upstairs. It wasn't until the doors opened minutes later and people stepped in that I realized I had zoned out and forgot to press the button for the floor I needed. I then promptly exited the elevator and waited for the next elevator to go up in. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I realised I haven't had a date in so long that I actually seriously considered meeting someone from online, purely based on the fact he could spell properly. FML

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By susiedoggles - United States - Milford

Today, getting home after a long day of work, my boyfriend came running out of the house. Being silly, I thought he was excited to see me. Nope - he was excited to show me the squirrel he shot. In the house. Apparently, we have house squirrels and a boatload of holes in the floor and couch. FML

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By sarahcurtis213 - United States

Today, I was at the library using a computer to order a package. A man sat down next to me mumbling to himself while staring at me. As I got up to go to the printer, he pointed at me and screamed, "I will burn you alive and enjoy it!" All of my info including my address was still on the computer screen. FML

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By now what - Canada

Today, I got laid off. I abandoned my friends, my boyfriend and moved 10 hours away for this job because my uncle convinced me to. My uncle is my employer. FML

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By -_- - United States - Munith

Today, at a family dinner, my mother-in-law talked me into showing off some moves that I've learned in martial arts. I gently did a restraining hold on her. She screamed that I was trying to break her wrists, and kept the wounded act up all night, smirking as everyone gave me death glares. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Markham

Today, my brother finally paid me the $60 he owed me. I later found out that he'd stolen those $60 from my wallet. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, the lady in front of me in the checkout line had a pacifier hanging around her neck, but I didn't think much of it until it was time for her to pay. She reacted to the $250 total by crying like a baby and very loudly asking me to put the pacifier in her mouth to calm her down. FML

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By I hate my brother - United States - Lafayette

Today, I just came back from Afghanistan after a 9-month tour, and my brother asked, "How many towelheads did you kill?" He then acted offended when I smacked him upside the head. FML

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By E or - United States

Today, I flew a toy airplane into my face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I paid a repair man $65 to come to my house and fix my washer. He walked in, looked at the washer, bent over and removed a large steel bolt with a bright red tag sticking out the side saying "Remove before use." He then looked at me and said "all fixed." FML

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By Already Broke Asf - United States - Rock Hill

Today, my 19-year-old brother broke into my dorm and robbed me. When I tried to file a report, my brother went to my parents and told them that he took it because I owed him money on a bet. Guess who lost $92.50. FML

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By Sundendako - Australia

Today, my mum got drunk at a party and flashed me and my friends. FML

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By screw life - United States

Today, my brother saw my side when my shirt came up, and asked when I got a tattoo; the pink he saw was in fact my stretch marks. Worst of all, I had to show them to everyone to prove I didn't actually get a tattoo. FML

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By notyourcleaner - Malaysia - Puchong

Today, my new roommate puked into the sink and all over the bathroom floor, before passing out on her bed. Apparently, she was awake enough to wash her own face but not clean up her vomit. We share the bathroom. This is the second time already. FML

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By AlexSnower

Mismatched

Today, I'm trying to get over my OCD by wearing 2 different shoes. FML

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By rick - Sweden

Today, I read an incoming message on my wife's phone. "I miss your warm hands and mouth". The message came from a female co-worker of hers. FML

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By ew - United States

Today, I found my shower loofa near the bathroom trash. My husband has a habit of throwing things out of the shower if they are in his way, so I thought nothing of it and took at bath with it. When he came home from work, he said he had thrown it away because he used it to clean the toilet. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my annoying and disrespectful roommate discovered Pandora. She also discovered that she can play Christmas music on Pandora. Only 23 more days until Christmas. FML

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By GrippedMyBalls - Korea Republic of

Today, at martial arts practice, a guest sensei wanted to teach me some "manners". He pinned me down and proceded to choke me while crushing my nuts with his hands and yelling at me in front of the whole class, "DOES THAT HURT?!!?" FML

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By loveloves154

Today, our toilet overflowed during the night. Over 50 gallons worth leaked through the floor and the ceiling to the room below. I am now covered in poop water. What a way to start the day. FML

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By Meg - United States

Today, I found out the identity of the pervert who's been staring at me through my bedroom window in the late hours of the night. My parents and I decided to set out a trap for 'him' instead of reporting to our local cop. Turns out, we caught my 37 year-old neighbor in the act. He's the cop. FML

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By titillating - United States

Today, on my way to work, I had to squeeze by a man sitting in a large truck parked next to my car. I was in a bit of a hurry and in my rush the collar of my shirt got caught on his grill. My shirt ripped and I flashed the guy my entire boob. FML

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By AdamFoundHisEve - France

Today, I had a dream about toasting with champagne. Whilst asleep, I extended my hand to toast, then brought my hand to my mouth to "drink the bubbly." I knocked over the glass of water I keep on my bedside table. My iPhone is now ruined, and in shock of my wet arm, I jerked backward headbutting my wife's face. FML

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By Badday

Today, I received a call from a company attempting to steal me away. Flattered, I told them I liked my job and the answer was no. When I told my boss, he said they're thinking about laying me off and I should've taken the job. FML

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Top comments

By CheshireHalli | 19

#507120 - Saturday 22 August 2009 14:36

Um, because OP was on vacation, doeesn't mean that they paid for it. They might have went with an academic group, or with a friend... FYL OP for what your mom said...

By wow18 | 3

#507475 - Saturday 22 August 2009 18:38

It's so annoying when people on here start bashing anyone 18 or over for still living with their parents. Just because the law in this country says that parents don't HAVE to support their kids after that age does not mean everyone should automatically be ready to move out. Also a person's frontal lobe(front part of the brain that helps us make rational decisions) isn't even done growing completely at that age, so it's okay to be living with your parents even until your early 20s as long as you're all mature enough to respect each other.

To the original poster, I'm sure she misses you but probably does like the little bit of quiet and free time to herself. Everyone likes to be alone at some point so consider this as her vacation for herself and don't take it seriously.

COMMENTS

By imblue | 0

#507024 - Saturday 22 August 2009 12:20

First

By imblue | 0

#507027 - Saturday 22 August 2009 12:22

You son of a bitch...

By fml_always_ | 0

#507038 - Saturday 22 August 2009 12:32

hey, at least she was nice enough to lie

By lexiBRo | 0

#507040 - Saturday 22 August 2009 12:34

OP doesn't necessarily have to move out but perhaps should be more considerate of the people living there. If you are old enough to go on vacations without your parents there is no excuse for you behaving immaturely and making such a noticeable presence in the house.

By imblue | 0

#507044 - Saturday 22 August 2009 12:37

#6 is gay and a butch.

By Fyourface | 0

#507050 - Saturday 22 August 2009 12:42

i really dont get what is the big deal about commenting first. get a life guys

By visage | 0

#507095 - Saturday 22 August 2009 14:05

Take that as a hint. How old are you, and if you can afford an extended vacation why haven't you moved out? If you go back lay low, because what your doing now is obviously annoying the life she'd rather live.

Reply

Mr_Eated | 0

#507218 - Saturday 22 August 2009 16:21

#11 hit it on the head. Growing up means taking responsibility and moving out. Maybe fewer vacations would allow rent to be paid somewhere. I imagine you'll get along better once you start living like an independent adult. Now, if by vacation you meant "camp" and you're under 18, your mom is a douchebag. If not...Get the hell out already.

By CheshireHalli | 19

#507120 - Saturday 22 August 2009 14:36

Um, because OP was on vacation, doeesn't mean that they paid for it. They might have went with an academic group, or with a friend... FYL OP for what your mom said...

By Kervik | 0

#507124 - Saturday 22 August 2009 14:43

It was probably a joke - all parents say they're happy the house is a lot quieter when their children have left.

By Qup | 0

#507145 - Saturday 22 August 2009 15:18

what a hypocrite. don't go home and take a little break yourself