Miscellaneous: Today, I learned that when you're talking about your girlfriend's...

By jlong9071 - 09/11/2014 03:38 - United States - Charlotte

Today, I learned that when you're talking about your girlfriend's 6'4", 250 lb dad in a negative way, you should really make sure he isn't around first. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 855

You deserved it 39 886

Miscellaneous

Best teeth in the game

Sorry…

Stay safe out there

Dirty talk

By awkward - 22/02/2014 05:39 - United States

Today, I was having some kinky sex with my girlfriend. When I said "You've been a bad girl", she looked at me wide-eyed and asked very seriously, "What did I do?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 498

You deserved it 10 414

Uptight girl, she's been living in her uptight world…

By TheVirginJenny - 07/10/2012 00:05 - United States - Spanaway

Today, my teenage daughter asked me how old I was when I lost my virginity. I sarcastically replied that I'm still a virgin. She looked at me blankly and said, "Jeez, no wonder you're so uptight. You need to get laid, mom." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 917

You deserved it 7 754

By Anonymous - 01/04/2016 21:06 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I went to pick up my daughter from my dad's house. He'd shaved her head bald. "For a laugh." FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 019

You deserved it 1 855

By MumMatters - 09/09/2016 10:26 - Germany - Hamburg

Today, my babysitter told me to find a replacement, so I tried to bribe her into staying by offering her a raise. She told me that the money would be better spent on an exorcist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 088

You deserved it 4 170

By Anonymous - 19/08/2011 15:08 - United States

Today, I thought I might need some anger-management classes, after I punched a hole in a kitchen cabinet when my dog wouldn't stop yapping every time the rooster my neighbors just got made a noise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 327

You deserved it 28 455

By Darkness162000 - 08/01/2010 00:21 - France

Today, I found out that while I was on vacation my neighbor had let my brother into my apartment. I don't have a brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 257

You deserved it 2 107

By sad - 30/03/2012 22:21 - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, I confided to my dad that my girlfriend had dumped me for another guy. He said "good" and explained that given how overpopulated the planet is, he's actually disappointed that I'm not gay. His advice was: "just wank it off and move on". FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 559

You deserved it 3 004

By Angelica - 28/10/2011 01:48 - United States

Today, I had to sit patiently at the checkout at work, listening to my own father rant about how the twinkies he was buying were "twice the size back in my day", and how "you could buy a dozen of these suckers for just 10 cents." He didn't stop there. No, he tried to haggle over the price. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 809

You deserved it 2 376

By barbieissocute - 01/02/2016 03:27 - United States - Elizabethtown

Today, I flipped out with happiness over the new Barbies. I want to buy one. I'm almost 26. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 490

You deserved it 6 612

By Anonymous - 16/11/2010 12:28 - Australia

Today, I was pulled over by the cops for a random breathalyzer test. They asked to see my license. I always keep my wallet in my car for situations like this. I received a $100 ticket because my mum apparently didn’t think it was a good idea to keep my wallet in the car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 305

You deserved it 7 053

By Loola - 21/12/2008 05:04 - France

Today, Father Christmas touched my ass in a shopping mall. I'm a bit worried about what's going to happen on Christmas Day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 852

You deserved it 2 516

By Anonymous - 22/05/2010 23:22 - United States

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, my dad called my cell. He ended the phone call with, "and tell your boyfriend to shut up, I can hear him moaning." FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 547

You deserved it 46 990

By aianmoo16 - 01/05/2016 21:52 - United States - Chicago

Today, I was at a mini arcade and accidentally put a hundred dollar bill through the quarter machine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 382

You deserved it 9 128

By kennedygeeee - 08/09/2009 02:28 - United States

Today, I found out my mom was getting remarried, to my dad. He's been in prison for five years because he pushed her out a window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 173

You deserved it 2 635

By Angela17 - 24/10/2018 05:00

Today, it's 3:42am and my son is crying because I won't let him play with his dirty diaper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 890

You deserved it 305

By Anonymous - 11/12/2011 07:29 - Canada

Today, while my boyfriend was sneaking out before my parents woke, he slipped on some ice and fell on their car. The alarm went off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 253

You deserved it 29 689

Working too hard!

By Sudoc - 03/12/2017 05:00

Today, after spending 6 hours straight working on a project at school, I decided to call it a night. The instant I set foot out of the lab, the building started screaming. The maintenance guy had set the alarm without telling me. The police had to let me out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 886

You deserved it 237

You tried…

By shart up, your puns suck - 01/06/2014 18:34 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I clogged my girlfriend's toilet, so being a gentleman, I tried to rectify the situation. I plunged the holy fuck out of that damned toilet, only for her to accuse me of jacking off because I was taking so long. When she stormed in and the smell hit her, she called me a pig. I just can't win. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 634

You deserved it 5 537

By anonymous - 17/07/2014 02:46 - United States - Romulus

Today, while working as a barista, a customer yelled about her muffins and butter not being ready since she only had a "short time to eat". There were 7 tip giving customers ahead of her, but I rushed her order. She gave no tip and stayed for over an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 922

You deserved it 5 206

By Anonymous - 04/11/2015 18:26 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I was suffering from acid reflux. I was told that drinking water laced with baking soda would help. Nope, all it did was create a huge belch that made me vomit all over myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 444

You deserved it 3 640

By spasticock - 19/08/2012 18:09 - Portugal - Barreiro

Today, I climbed the tree in my backyard so I could cut off some stray branches. I ended up getting stuck, and instead of immediately getting help, my wife started laughing and recording me. The video is now circulating on Facebook, and my new nickname is "Hawkeye." FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 311

You deserved it 3 649

All weddings are themed

By Anonymous - 01/07/2020 20:08

Today, I went to pick up my wedding dress from the seamstress, only to find out that my fiancé called two weeks ago to say I wanted the dress "tie-dyed to match our new theme." She believed him. Our wedding is tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 833

You deserved it 212

By argh - 24/02/2010 06:29 - Canada

Today, I had a seizure at work. My boss walked by and saw me, but didn't help or do anything because he thought I was "picking something up off the floor." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 485

You deserved it 2 230

By looking4newvenue - 23/02/2015 20:49 - United States

Today, my wedding venue called and canceled our reservation because we were double booked with a spaghetti bingo night, which they felt was more important. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 522

You deserved it 2 951

By Chops - 09/03/2009 06:35 - United States

Today, I was walking from my office to the place i had parked my car, a distance of approximately three blocks. As I was about to round the last corner I was forced to dive out of the way of a speeding car. As I looked up, I noticed that it was my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 99 652

You deserved it 4 393

Love is… strange

By Anonymous - 25/08/2021 02:01

Today, I asked my sister if she could watch my son so I could surprise my boyfriend and take him out for dinner and maybe some sexy time afterwards. He didn't even know it was our 2-year anniversary. He doesn't care, neither do I. FML

I agree, your life sucks 707

You deserved it 246

By Anonymous - 05/12/2010 00:39 - United States

Today, my boyfriend confessed his desire to have sex while I'm on my period. He calls it "bloody victory." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 228

You deserved it 5 889

Happy Reset Day!

By TheSaddestSpiceMeatball - 30/10/2019 16:00

Today, it was mine and my fiancé's 4 year anniversary. What did he get me? Nothing, but I did find out he's been cheating on me with multiple women. Guess I’m back to 0 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 009

You deserved it 146

By Disappointed - 19/02/2014 21:33 - United Kingdom - Brighton

Today, after 10 months of hard work, it was the opening night of the show I was directing. Everybody loved it, except my mother. She called it the worst thing she'd ever seen. Thanks for the support, mum. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 914

You deserved it 3 406

By Anonymous - 28/09/2010 20:42 - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend asked how long he'd have to wait until he could ask out my best friend. We broke up yesterday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 487

You deserved it 3 211

By Anonymous - 27/06/2014 01:39 - United States - Demopolis

Today, my dad made the local news. The business he owns is so run down and overgrown that it's officially a public health hazard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 763

You deserved it 4 792

8 out of 10 orthopedists

By Anonymous - 15/05/2021 14:01 - Germany

Today, I had a talk with my orthopedist about getting back to fitness training. However, according to her, all my favorite exercises, although taught to me by professionals, are "things one should never do" and "very very bad". FML

I agree, your life sucks 708

You deserved it 83

Grandma rocks!

By Anonymous - 20/04/2014 21:38 - Slovenia - Domzale

Today, I decided to be nice and pay a visit to my grandma. We ended up playing Scrabble. In between passing wind that smelled like rotting eggs, she kept playing the filthiest words she could, and yelled at me whenever I checked to see if they were in the Scrabble dictionary. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 401

You deserved it 5 168

Session done!

By Anonymous - 05/02/2020 05:00 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I thought it would be fun to have a sex session with my boyfriend. I sent him a suggestive message, and 30 minutes later he texted me back to let me know he was done. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 235

You deserved it 317

By anonymous - 03/12/2009 06:55 - United States

Today, I found out that me and my best friend are both pregnant. We live together, and both had one night stands with the same guy. Now we are going to be each raising his children in the same house while he has decided to "not get involved" and move to a different state. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 724

You deserved it 82 540

By Anonymous - 15/06/2011 00:59 - United States

Today, my professor handed me back a paper I spent hours upon hours working on. At the bottom in red it said "D" followed by, "that was a gift." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 731

You deserved it 7 992

By Squid - 21/02/2017 07:00 - Canada - Parksville

Today, my older boyfriend and I went shopping together. When we arrived at the till, the cashier looked at me and asked, "Is this your pop?" I replied "No, this is my boyfriend, but we get that a lot." She paused, pointed at the case of Coke in the cart and said again, "Is this your pop?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 570

You deserved it 3 004

Bugging out

By Anonymous - 09/10/2019 00:01 - United States - Tampa

Today, I'm allergic to not only bug spray, but also mosquitos. I'm staying at a bug-infested lake for 5 days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 346

You deserved it 280

By Anonymous - 25/04/2009 23:50 - Brazil

Today, I had a going-away party because I am leaving the country forever. Out of the 130 people invited, 60 were a resounding "Yes! of course I will go!". After paying $300 for everything needed at the party, 2 ended up coming. And left because nobody else was there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 91 047

You deserved it 5 733

By Anonymous - 27/12/2010 00:45 - United States

Today, I was riding in my friend's car. We passed by a group of cute guys standing by the curb with their skateboards so we slowed down to whistle at them. We then noticed the ambulance taking their friend away on a stretcher. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 459

You deserved it 37 335

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

devildog562 33

Send a private message

Sunday 9 November 2014 19:14

You sir, are dumber then dirt. Don't talk shit if you can't back it up.

Trinidad727 9

Send a private message

Sunday 9 November 2014 19:12

That has pain written all over it!!

Trinidad727 9

Send a private message

Sunday 9 November 2014 19:12

That has pain written all over it!!

peanuty001 19

Send a private message

Monday 10 November 2014 2:12

a well deserved pain

devildog562 33

Send a private message

Sunday 9 November 2014 19:14

You sir, are dumber then dirt. Don't talk shit if you can't back it up.

sarah5745 41

Send a private message

Sunday 9 November 2014 19:34

I agree. You don't talk shit about anyone, even if it's your girlfriend dad.

MeanBeagle 22

Send a private message

Sunday 9 November 2014 19:41

rule #10, everything you do to my daughter I do to you.

cakefete2 30

Send a private message

Sunday 9 November 2014 20:22

Hey 20, good luck getting me pregnant. *nine months later* "Pregnant man tells about delivery room blues, next on the news at ten."

MeanBeagle 22

Send a private message

Sunday 9 November 2014 20:33

I don't have a daughter. good luck getting your hand pregnant.

DippinGrizzly907 27

Send a private message

Monday 10 November 2014 1:30

Sir Cakefete, had me rolling on the ground like a sausage dieing of laughter! That was awesome haha. Way to go brotha!

Im2Shy 16

Send a private message

Sunday 9 November 2014 19:16

Congratulations on living to tell the story. You should "talk the game" if you can't "play in it too"

Im2Shy 16

Send a private message

Sunday 9 November 2014 20:44

*shouldnt. Yes, not wearing my glasses usually results in mistakes and I'm fully awaiting all the thumbs down.

CommanderColton 11

Send a private message

Monday 10 November 2014 4:53

But... you got three thumbs up. That's a plus.

chidexy 21

Send a private message

Sunday 9 November 2014 19:17

Seriously tho you didn't about that first

raeepressley 12

Monday 10 November 2014 2:44

Seriously though... Thank you for your loose grasp of the English language.

chidexy 21

Send a private message

Monday 10 November 2014 2:58

Wow didn't even see that. Sorry. I deserve all the down votes

worldclassrager 39

Send a private message

Sunday 9 November 2014 19:20

It looks like you may have a great father in law bond if he doesn't kill you first

Emmamazing 26

Send a private message

Sunday 9 November 2014 19:20

You deserved it!

headofmedusa 15

Send a private message

Sunday 9 November 2014 19:25

If only there was a button that stated exactly that.

cakefete2 30

Send a private message

Sunday 9 November 2014 19:20

This remind me of the 90's sitcoms. "He's right behind me, isn't he?" Then the camera pans out to show the dad has been there all along.

xKrisSmoove 21

Send a private message

Sunday 9 November 2014 19:23

Should probably keep her dad out of your conversations if you want that relationship to go further.

headofmedusa 15

Send a private message

Sunday 9 November 2014 19:24

I think YDI. Never talk bad about someone unless you're willing to say it to their face.

cryssycakesx3 22

Send a private message

Sunday 9 November 2014 19:47

If only there was a button that stated exactly that...

Senseless_487 29

Send a private message

Sunday 9 November 2014 20:04

There's a button that tells that life lesson? Where is it?!

brand125 17

Send a private message

Sunday 9 November 2014 20:07

22 - fail at trying to be one of those people

Uglyfeet 23

Send a private message

Monday 10 November 2014 3:07

It would take a lot of buttons... better stick with just YDI and FYL. By the way, #22 deserved it lol

annarcheer 19

Send a private message

Sunday 9 November 2014 19:25

omg that's how big my dad is!

Khaleesi_26 30

Send a private message

Monday 10 November 2014 0:50

"omg that's so fascanting" *said noone.....*

Nearly

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15

You deserved it 4

Today, I realized the cute girl with a nice ass, long hair and a great personality I've been talking to is actually a very gay dude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16

You deserved it 36

Spicy

Today, I had a horrible date with this guy I’ve been seeing. He wanted me to give it up, but I wasn’t ready, so he dumped me on the spot. I went home crying to my mother and her response was, “Stop being such a prude! What are you? Ten? Grow the fuck up!” Thanks mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 467

You deserved it 87

Today, my wife and I had arranged a threesome with a guy, but I was late home so they “had the threesome without me.” It’s not cheating, because I obviously knew she was going to have sex with him during the threesome, but me not being there makes me mad and I can’t coherently explain why. FML

I agree, your life sucks 659

You deserved it 760

Add a comment - Reply to : #

Top comments

Comments