Miscellaneous: Today, I learned that walking on the sidewalk does not mean that...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned that walking on the sidewalk does not mean that you will not be hit by a car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

87007

You deserved it

4403

Favorite

Miscellaneous

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Taking stock

Great speech, thanks!

By David Ryan - 11/9/2020 09:02 - United Kingdom

Brain worms

Today, I was walking by a neighbour when he said, "Is your dad home?" I swiftly replied, "I'm good thanks." FML

I agree, your life sucks

947

You deserved it

321

Favorite

By UnluckyJulie - United States

Today, it was my 17th birthday. I didn't want my family to spend money on a cake, so my dad made this delicious apple ring. At least, it was great until my mouth began to itch and my throat closed. I have been allergic to nuts since birth, and my dad put walnuts in my birthday cake. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41245

You deserved it

2685

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, I was upset over a recent break up. It showed while I was at work, and I made a customer sad just by looking blue. She complained to my manager. I got written up for being so depressed that I got a customer depressed too. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26410

You deserved it

3581

Favorite

By BDayssuck - United States

Today, my fiancé, his mother, my father and I went out to celebrate my birthday and our recent engagement. After dinner, my father and future mother-in-law revealed to us that they had secretly been dating and were talking about also getting married. Anybody want cake? FML

I agree, your life sucks

51537

You deserved it

3109

Favorite

By hatemyjob - United States

Today, I discovered that even though I now have a key to get into the office, I don't know the code to shut off the alarm system. I showed up early. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29666

You deserved it

4029

Favorite

By tapeissticky591 - Canada - Sherwood Park

Today, I woke up naked, duck taped to the wall with no memory of last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12872

You deserved it

36413

Favorite

By hurtsmyears - United States

Today, I had to endure yet another evening of the old man in the apartment above me screaming, "No, I don't want to shave my nose hair, you crazy bitch." He lives alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33240

You deserved it

2351

Favorite

By Anonymous - 4/5/2021 20:01

Divorce impending

Today, I got a phone call from my husband in jail. He was detained for statutory rape. The girl was his 15 year-old coworker at McDonald’s. He’s 42. I can’t tell which is worse, the fact that we have a daughter the same age, or that he actually wanted me to bail him out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1603

You deserved it

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Akron

Today, I found out that I'm going to be a father. Too bad I can't tell my wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9772

You deserved it

78667

Favorite

By Ryoichi - Germany

Today, it was my dad's retirement. He is traditional Japanese, so I had custom-ordered a samurai sword from a traditional Japanese blacksmith with dad's name engraved on the blade in kanji script. He loved it, right up til my drunk cousin tried to use it to cut down a tree and snapped it in two. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29789

You deserved it

1642

Favorite

By GeneralElement - United States

Today, in math, I was working on an assignment and this really cute girl comes over and says my name. At this point, my heart is pumping with excitement and I'm thinking she is going to ask for my number. She said, "Did you know someone drew a penis on your back?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

30832

You deserved it

3627

Favorite

By CandyMachine - United States

Today, I went to the vending machine, put in a dollar, and reached down to grab my snack. The slot door wouldn't open, so I pushed it harder. I got my hand in, but the door got stuck again, this time with my hand inside. I tried to push with my other hand. It got stuck too. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29754

You deserved it

9807

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I'm spending time with my granny, with whom I'm supposed to live with for a few weeks. I've noticed that she repeats the last word of every sentence I say, and now I'm wondering how it's possible for me to now be so horrible that I want to punch a sweet 92-year-old lady in the head. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27804

You deserved it

5619

Favorite

By D: - United States - Denver

Today, I was on my way to work when my ex-wife drove past me in the car she got from me. She fucked me over so hard in the divorce that I have to ride my bike to work while wearing a full suit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43056

You deserved it

3933

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I went shopping with a friend. She picked up a hundred dollars on the floor that somebody dropped. I told her, "I feel sorry for the retard who dropped the money." When I got home, I checked my purse and realized that I was missing a hundred dollars. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11585

You deserved it

42934

Favorite

Our anniversary

Today, my boyfriend actually remembered our anniversary. Not our anniversary of being together, which he forgot last month, but the anniversary of him getting his first blowjob from me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2361

You deserved it

477

Favorite

By awkward wedding

Today, a girl confessed that she's loved me for years and wants to marry me and have my children. It was my half-sister and she said it in front of everyone at a family wedding. I don't know who to be most afraid of at this point: her fiancé or my stepdad. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3901

You deserved it

167

Favorite

By InnocenceBlue - Australia - Perth

Today, I finally sorted out my health insurance and went to the doctor. After seeing my X-rays and confirming I still had scoliosis, he also confirmed arthritis in both hips, 2 exploded discs and that I have "the back of a 50 year-old." I'm 24. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1869

You deserved it

109

Favorite

By Anonymous - 11/9/2020 05:02

Might never happen, love

Today, I was blocked by a girl I like. She said I was mean for not understanding why she hates when people tell her to smile. I worked as a waiter and hated when people told me to smile all the time. Yet I'm the one who doesn't understand, apparently. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1044

You deserved it

269

Favorite

By uetlqdja - United States

Today, my ex husband is marrying my sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks

106528

You deserved it

7146

Favorite

By JackSoda

Dad Jokes, part 36646

Today, my dad brought the double barrel shotgun to my room, gave me his hat and said, "It's all about survival now. At any cost, Coral." He keeps calling me Coral. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1389

You deserved it

207

Favorite

By NoseInPain - United States

Today, my little sister thought it'd be cool to pierce my nose while I was asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52378

You deserved it

3968

Favorite

By Lola

Today, for the third time, I’ve had to clean a puddle of pee from the bathroom floor. I live alone, and I’m a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1393

You deserved it

526

Favorite

By ineedanewjob - United States

Today, I got all my co-workers motivated. We were all going to quit and walk out the door. I went first. I gave an emotional speech to my boss and threw my uniform to the ground. Then I turned around to to see the rest follow, they all began laughing. They didn't. They WANTED me to quit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54935

You deserved it

36143

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, workers came to my house to fix residual moisture damage in my walls left behind by Hurricane Irma. Said workers then burst a water pipe and flooded my entire apartment in the time it took figure out how to turn it off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3504

You deserved it

199

Favorite

By fml_forever32 - United States

Today, I was in the bus on my way home. I was reading a book, and drops of something were getting all over it. It was the man sitting next to me who was asleep and drooling. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25058

You deserved it

2480

Favorite

By Scared

Today, I played a harmless joke on my neighbors by pointing a laser pointer out of my window onto their wall. Apparently, my neighbors don't take jokes lightly as one of the sons pointed at my window while screaming and swearing, then took out a gang bandana and wrapped it around his face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

647

You deserved it

2394

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Beaumont

Today, my boss threatened to fire me for killing him in Minecraft. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40379

You deserved it

8340

Favorite

By klsdhjla - United States

Today, while losing my virginity to my boyfriend, I had my first orgasm. I don't remember much of what I said during, but after it was all over, he looks at me and says, "You have terrible grammar during climax." FML

I agree, your life sucks

25143

You deserved it

5576

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Mooresville

Today, immediately after being informed of the sketchy activities that take place in our store parking lot after dark, I'm handed an orange vest and told to go out there to retrieve carts. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30561

You deserved it

2505

Favorite

By overlandparkmommie - United States

Today, I was so totally stressed out at work that I took my car into the park and reclined my seat and shut my eyes. Soon I noticed the soothing sounds of raindrops on my car and I felt a little better for once. I opened my eyes to see that a bunch of birds had crapped all over my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40339

You deserved it

3714

Favorite

By ch,nlv

Today, my husband and I did artificial insemination. At the hospital, they mixed up the sperm and didn't realize until it was too late. I'm now pregnant with a stranger's baby. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6262

You deserved it

382

Favorite

By - United States - Modesto

Today, the moment after hitting "confirm payment" for my boyfriend's valentine gift (along with some sexy lingerie for the occasion) on a shopping app, my period tracker app popped up to let me know I'll be well into my period on the 14th. I'm getting cockblocked by mother nature herself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7319

You deserved it

1096

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Ypsilanti

Today, I bought professional hair clippers to shave down below, thinking it would be safer than using a razor. Let's just say the bathroom now looks like a murder scene, and it's going to be a while before I have sex again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30593

You deserved it

12589

Favorite

By DallasGal - United States

Today, my boyfriend wanted to have Valentine's Day sex. He then remembered it was unlimited pancakes at IHOP. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23716

You deserved it

3836

Favorite

By FennFoxx - United States - Cheraw

Today, I decided to take a relaxing bubble bath in my jacuzzi. I poured in the bubbles, turned on the jets, and got in. I realized too late that the jets had caused the bubbles to overflow and had made a huge mess in my bathroom. Relaxing, indeed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3014

You deserved it

1770

Favorite

Hopeless

Today, my wife of 2 years told me she was pregnant, after we've been trying for ages. Excited, about to call my parents, then, my wife told me, "Don't get your hopes up it might not be yours, the father could be 5 other guys." And then asked me what I'd like for dinner. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4970

You deserved it

303

Favorite

By Anonymous - France

Today, I learned that "Je suis excité" does not mean "I'm excited" in French. It means "I'm sexually excited"... more or less. I've been doing a lot of exciting things and using it a lot the past two weeks. With my French friends, people I meet, and especially with my host family. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37711

You deserved it

14307

Favorite

By Loose Goose

Today, I went on a coffee date. It turned out to be a mistake - not because he was bad, but because I forgot how much coffee upsets my stomach. Yup, it makes me need to poop, and I did. In my jeans. As he drove me home. Not quite the "run" of fun we’d planned. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2642

You deserved it

679

Favorite

By fattysonparade - United Kingdom

Today, I cycled past a group of middle school kids. They decided that they should all start shouting "FAT ALERT" while ringing the bells on their bikes. FML