Today, I learned that my apartment building has two new tenants:... - FML

By bigcityfail - 7/5/2011 11:54 - United States

Today, I learned that my apartment building has two new tenants: my ex-girlfriend and her fiancé, the guy she cheated on me with. FML

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Hello everyone!

Great speech, thanks!

Basic Instinct

By Anonymous - 21/5/2009 17:16 - United States

Today, I was looking over some old notes from high school when I came across a list of things I wanted to accomplish by the time I'm 25. I haven't accomplished a single one. I'm 26. FML

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By Softball - 8/7/2015 13:58 - United States - Lansdale

Today, I guest-played as a catcher for a new fastpitch softball team. After the first couple of innings, the batter fouled a ball back into my catcher's mask. As a concussion test, the coach asked me what her name was. I decided to fake the concussion rather than admit that I'd forgotten her name. FML

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By IndianAngel96 - 29/10/2012 22:39 - United States - Houston

Today, while in a pharmacy, I walked over to the shaving cream aisle. I picked up a can to smell it and unknowingly pushed the button, spraying an old guy in front of me. He freaked out and started telling everyone that the ceiling above him was leaking. FML

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By Shep - 31/8/2018 13:00

Today, while sleeping as soundly as I could on a plastic mattress, the night shift nurse in the psych ward woke me up in the middle of the night so that I could take my sleeping pill, which was prescribed as "if needed". FML

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By Thanh Quang - 31/1/2011 05:58

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she met someone else on World of Warcraft. I've been paying for her subscription. FML

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By Kiki - 23/6/2016 23:54 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I found out that my brother buys audiobooks only to play them on "mute" so that he can tell everyone that he read them later and flaunt the proof. The rest of my family think he is a genius for reading War and Peace in two days and won't listen to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/8/2020 17:11

Get rid of the evidence!

Today, while my roommate was taking a bath, I became horribly sick out of nowhere. Since the bathroom was occupied, I ended up having explosive diarrhea in an Amazon box in my bedroom, which I immediately ran out to the dumpster. FML

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By Tony - 9/3/2009 21:02 - United States

Today, I was talking to my mom about who I wanted to ask to prom. I told her the names of the girls I was thinking of asking and she replied, "They'll say no, but you can always go with one of your cousins." FML

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By dammit33 - 28/5/2012 13:55 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I got a $20 tip from an old lady I delivered pizza to. Ecstatic, I walked back to my car where there was a $30 parking fine waiting for me. FML

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By carless - 15/8/2010 02:25 - United States

Today, my car was stolen. From my driveway. By the guy who sold it to me. FML

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By ... - 12/3/2009 18:57 - France

Today, the really hot guy that works in the same building as me came to work after being away for the past two days. I said "Look who finally decided to come to work." His response: "I had a death in the family, thanks." FML

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By xXshitface4uXx - 25/7/2014 22:46 - New Zealand - Rotorua

Today, my dad asked me how I would feel about going on an all-expenses-paid, month-long holiday to the Caribbean. I was ecstatic and broke into tears of joy, saying I'd love it. He replied, "Yeah, me too. Shame it ain't happening!" then left for work, laughing his arse off. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/1/2012 00:09 - Sweden

Today, I dove head-first underneath my garage door, narrowly missing both the sensor and the closing door, executing a perfect roll, and popping back up onto my feet unscathed. My smugness went through the floor as I remembered I'd left my keys back in the house. FML

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By Taco Hell - 19/10/2012 06:43 - United States - Avon Lake

Today, I got threatened to get dragged out of the window at work because I wouldn't sell someone hot wings. I work at Taco Bell. FML

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By undineA - 18/2/2014 20:16 - Greece - Thessalon?ki

Today, feeling magnanimous, I decided to help a frail-looking old lady across a busy street. She managed to "accidentally" hit me in the balls with her cane no fewer than three times before we reached the other side. FML

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By figures - 29/11/2009 01:53 - United States

Today, I found out I've been misspelling my middle name for 25 years. FML

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By Poem - 19/12/2009 04:29 - United States

Today, I spent hours delicately writing out what seemed to be a beautiful poem to my girlfriend. After I sent it to her, I kept eyeing my phone to see her surprised message. No, my only response was "you may want to use a spellcheck." FML

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By Beewwwbs - 9/11/2018 19:00 - Australia - Wembley

Today, I'm on a pill that "may cause breast tenderness". My 32E breasts took that to mean swell up a size, become heavy as lead, be so sore I can't move without a bra on, and stiffen my neck and back muscles so badly I thought I had an ear infection. This will last "a few weeks to months". FML

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By Rusty - 12/12/2015 00:49 - United States

Today, I did slightly below average on my programming project. Aside from it being unnecessarily difficult, I also couldn't focus on it due to problems at home. After I confided in my colleague about it, I heard him mutter, "I knew women are crappy programmers". FML

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By Debbie - 23/2/2009 14:16 - United States

Today, I drove to a job interview. I had to sneeze, but because I was driving on the highway, I didn't let go of the wheel to cover my mouth. I didn't know the sneeze was a "productive" one until I was sitting in the interview, looked down at my new blouse and saw the giant lugie sitting there. FML

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By idgit42 - 27/7/2010 22:15 - United States

Today, I didn't realize until I was home that I'd thrown my retainer away with my tray at Chick-fil-A. FML

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By justplainsad - 17/9/2009 04:15 - United States

Today, I finally figured out that when a man says "Maybe some other time, I'll be busy then" more than once, he really means "I don't really want to see you again. I didn't think you'd actually USE my number." FML

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By evilwater - 15/7/2011 17:21 - United States

Today, I was at a fancy restaurant when I knocked my glass of ice water over. In my attempt to clean it up with a napkin, I knocked a freshly filled cup of coffee all over myself. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2014 00:30 - Australia - Perth

Today, I was waiting at a traffic light next to an ice cream van. The man in it turned to me and winked, making sexual hand gestures. I felt my childhood die horribly as I watched. FML

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By camerashyguy - 20/9/2014 03:14 - United States - Longview

Today, while giving directions to a blind guy, I accidentally made him walk into a wall. FML

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By blow me - 7/8/2015 16:36 - Australia - Vermont

Today, I bought some pricey lipstick for a date tonight. An hour after putting it on, my lips are so swollen, I look like a blow-up sex doll. FML

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By Jade - 25/4/2011 13:49 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me in front of an entire street of people. We've only been dating for a week. One of the women in the crowd then called me heartless and threw a hamburger at me when I turned him down. FML

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By SickandTired - 22/3/2011 16:59 - Australia

Today, I went to work despite having a nasty cold. I didn't call up sick because last week when I called in, my boss said I was being "unprofessional and unacceptable." My boss sent me home with a written warning today, claiming that coming to work sick was "unprofessional and unacceptable." FML

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By hail science! - 21/4/2020 08:00

Heretic!

Today, my sister-in-law is refusing to let me or my children be a part of her kids' lives. She’s even going as far as trying to make my brother stop speaking to us as well. Why? Simply because I'm an atheist. FML

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By BlueBirdWings - 6/3/2012 07:20 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend and I were cuddling on the couch. He held a Kool Fruit in his teeth, and motioned for me to kiss him, so he could put it in my mouth. Just as he was about to do this, I inhaled. He then had to watch me dry retching, trying to get it back up. FML

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By lmaofuck - 26/5/2016 01:06 - United States - Westerville

Today, I had a guest at my house. I stood up to shake her hand and kiss her on both cheeks, which is common in my culture. When she was kissing my cheeks, I went the opposite way from her and I ended up kissing her on the lips instead. Her eyes went big and I ran away. FML

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By Uknowwh - 4/11/2009 01:12 - United States

Today, I found out that my best friend and the guy I had a crush on for 2 years are getting married. The worst part is that they've been dating for 2 years in secret, and just came out about it now. I've been telling her for 2 years how much I like him, and she's encouraged me the whole time. FML

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By wheezy - 6/9/2011 02:52 - United States

Today, I had to go to the hospital to get a harmonica removed from my mouth. FML

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By AwkwardPotato - 2/7/2013 02:37 - United States - Bakersfield

Today, my mom signed me up for a swimming class to show my sister there's nothing to be afraid of. Considering I'm 17, I assumed I'd be in an advanced class. Instead, I get to spend summer blowing bubbles in the shallow end with four-year-olds as my little sister cheers me on from the steps. FML

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By gpistas - 23/5/2010 06:08 - United States

Today, I was at dentist to get impressions made. The hygienist put way too much of the plaster stuff on the press. She put it in my mouth and asked if I was okay, I shook my head no and promptly vomited. It sat at the back of my throat and I could not spit it out until the plaster hardened. FML

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By stickyhair - 18/4/2011 04:46 - United States

Today, I was cutting a little boy's hair at the hairdressers where I work. While cutting his bangs, I noticed his forehead was surprisingly warm. When I asked him if he felt OK, he threw up all over my gown. I think he had some broccoli today. FML

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By Dogmom - 14/9/2017 23:15

Today, I overheard my manager tell a customer that it's perfectly safe for dogs to eat grapes if they're seedless. I work in a pet store. FML

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By identitychangeplease - 19/9/2012 20:41 - Sweden - Nyn?shamn

Today, a guy I've been seeing for a while sent me a link to a porn site, with the message, "Holy fuck, isn't this your mom?!" Thinking he was joking around, I clicked the link just to see what sick shit he wanted to show me. It was my mom. FML

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By lulu - 11/2/2012 10:19 - United States

Today, my dog attacked me because I had a chicken costume on for a party. I'm currently in a hospital, dressed as a chicken, waiting for medical assistance. FML

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By - 30/12/2009 04:34 - France

Today, I just realised that the coworker I refused to leave my wife for is now happily married with someone else, while I'm now divorced. FML

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Top comments

By perdix | 29

#2473362 - Saturday 7 May 2011 19:52

Get revenge. Make him cheat on her with you. I know you're a dude, so you might have to go gay to pull this one off. You'll blindside her. The element of surprise is a big part of effective vengeance.

By jennifer93 | 0

#2473343 - Saturday 7 May 2011 19:52

awkward...I wonder if she knew you lived there...if so, that's just cruel

COMMENTS

By staceysgenesis16 | 0

#2473319 - Saturday 7 May 2011 19:50

wow. i think id move out at that point. lol.

Reply

littlemissFYL | 5

#2473503 - Saturday 7 May 2011 20:05

Full House!

Reply

Brandnewuser | 0

#2473635 - Saturday 7 May 2011 20:26

Most of the time people sign a lease.

Reply

Bassmasterclassi | 2

#2474110 - Saturday 7 May 2011 21:27

I'd agree unless they live under me then I'd have the loudest sex and make sure the ceiling above them shakes.

Reply

netherflame | 0

#2475268 - Sunday 8 May 2011 1:21

^--- what he said

Reply

BrokenDreamer24 | 14

#2475370 - Sunday 8 May 2011 1:35

I'm going to go with 32 on that. Make her feel bad about what she lost.

Reply

minecraft_fml | 4

#2477136 - Sunday 8 May 2011 7:18

tell the guy that she ceased on you with him

Reply

minecraft_fml | 4

#2479878 - Monday 9 May 2011 1:32

*cheated
damn iOS autocorrect!

Reply

raven02 | 0

#2483940 - Monday 9 May 2011 19:36

no perfect just bang her all this time o no hold on she cheated on you sorry

By DropDead77 | 11

#2473321 - Saturday 7 May 2011 19:50

That sucks!

By mommyhazell | 0

#2473324 - Saturday 7 May 2011 19:50

yea that does suck :(

By ImInABox | 6

#2473331 - Saturday 7 May 2011 19:50

If they're anywhere near your apartment.. Have mad hot sex every night. It'll drive them away!

Reply

BahahahLOL | 0

#2473744 - Saturday 7 May 2011 20:40

You'd know all about that you horny yellow sponge.

Reply

redhedsaysrawr | 18

#5275948 - Monday 24 December 2012 14:34

Oh he has tons of kinky imaginaaaaaaaaaation

By jennifer93 | 0

#2473343 - Saturday 7 May 2011 19:52

awkward...I wonder if she knew you lived there...if so, that's just cruel

Reply

mayoral26 | 0

#2473606 - Saturday 7 May 2011 20:23

yeah that's super awkward if she knew you lived there...

Reply

epfdwefc19 | 0

#2473789 - Saturday 7 May 2011 20:47

especially since its an ex girlfriend

By CaptainPickles72 | 18

#2473360 - Saturday 7 May 2011 19:52

If your a petty son-of-o-bitch make it look like she's cheating on her fiance with you for revenge. Or............................threesome!

By perdix | 29

#2473362 - Saturday 7 May 2011 19:52

Get revenge. Make him cheat on her with you. I know you're a dude, so you might have to go gay to pull this one off. You'll blindside her. The element of surprise is a big part of effective vengeance.

Reply

parxxx | 0

#2473540 - Saturday 7 May 2011 20:11

ah hahaha

Reply

MrsBieber4Life | 0

#2473764 - Saturday 7 May 2011 20:43

hahaha that's not a bad idea!

Reply

alex1432 | 9

#2474251 - Saturday 7 May 2011 21:51

^this

Reply

niggsby | 0

#2478856 - Sunday 8 May 2011 19:03

Lmao win

By ollie179 | 21

#2473387 - Saturday 7 May 2011 19:55

your hated

By ambowew | 7

#2473466 - Saturday 7 May 2011 20:02

Time to break in and replace their Nutella with shit.
Then you can chuckle evilly from your apartment when you hear their yells of disgust.

Reply

SunDropGirl | 0

#2473874 - Saturday 7 May 2011 20:56

hahaha win^ this made me laugh and it's a kind of stupid idea.. but it still made ne laugh

Reply

AboveTheRest | 6

#2476872 - Sunday 8 May 2011 5:55

lmaoooo

By Capt_Oblivious | 10

#2473487 - Saturday 7 May 2011 20:04

Just tell him you're glad to donate your used toys to the less fortunate.