Love: Today, I learned that my apartment building has two new tenants:... - FML

By bigcityfail - United States

Today, I learned that my apartment building has two new tenants: my ex-girlfriend and her fiancé, the guy she cheated on me with. FML

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Seize the means

Insane parents, part 38765

Impressive

By Monkeyless - United States - Providence

Today, it was confirmed that the "no pet rule" in my apartment complex is so strict that I'm not even allowed to have sea monkeys. FML

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By emily - United States

Today, I was video chatting with my boyfriend of two years. He asked me to turn off my webcam. I asked why, and he said to just trust him. Turns out it was because he didn't want to see my face as he broke up with me. FML

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By cheersdaddy - United Kingdom

Today, my dad was given 2 VIP tickets to see my favourite band in concert next week. You can now find them on eBay. FML

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By OhDeary - United States

Today, our power went out due to some severe storms. My daughter, who is 18, asked me why the lights on the car still worked. FML

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By atleastwedidntdie

Today, I was supposed to be sipping margaritas on a beach in Mexico. Too bad we only made it 37 miles before getting in a car accident. FML

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By NoMoreTrumpetBlowing - United Kingdom

Today, I was having dinner with my boyfriend's family, and he was saying how well his driving lessons are going. During this conversation his mum told him to "stop blowing your own trumpet." He replied, "If I could do that, I wouldn't need Anna." His dad gave him a high-five. FML

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By XYZee - United States - Rockmart

Today, after quite a long work day, I got home to find my house had been broken into. Everything but my sleeping boyfriend was gone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Norristown

Today, I have a stomach bug. I went to go downstairs, and my cat decided to dart between my legs, causing me to trip and fall down the stairs in a pinwheel of vomit. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Surrey

Thanks

Today, while walking to work with my best friend, he broke down in tears. I asked what was wrong, and he told me his mom passed away last night. All I could think to do was give him a hug and say I was sorry. Then some assclown walking past said "GAAAYYY!" and walked away laughing hysterically. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Antonio

Today, my soon-to-be mother-in-law decided that she is going to be in charge of planning my wedding. All decisions must be approved by her, and anything she doesn't like will be thrown out. She also wants to go on our honeymoon with us to make sure I don't "defile" her son. FML

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By Nafypoo

Today, I was playing competitively for my clan in a tournament. Money is involved, and I was doing quite well until my girlfriend up and turned the PS4 off because I wasn't "paying enough attention" to her, despite being on a holiday with her for the previous 3 days. FML

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By Thesuz - Canada - Edmonton

Today, my neighbour was practicing his opera singing, drunk. FML

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By not-so-young-shortie - United States

Today, I was eating at a restaurant with my boyfriend, he is 6'2 and i am 4'11. Out of nowhere, the hostess started openly flirting with him, and asked him if he needed a booster chair for his daughter. FML

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By James - United States

Today, I was at a local restaurant. The girl that I like walked by so I tried to give her a high five. My hand ended up on her boob instead. FML

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By Gemma - United Kingdom

Today, my mother thought it would be a good idea to tell me that I was conceived on an airplane toilet. FML

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By eebie jeebies - United States - Cypress

Today, a spider crawled across my arm. After a quick dance in a fit of panic, I managed to scramble onto my bed. I thought I would stand up to see if I could spot the spider and maybe kill it. I was then promptly knocked unconscious by my ceiling fan. FML

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By w_t_f - United States

Today, I woke up to the sound of scissors. My mom was cutting my hair while I was asleep. FML

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By blocked_by_fire - United States - Pullman

Today, while I was in the midst of the most mind-blowing shower sex ever, the fire alarm went off. My girlfriend had left the stove top on and the entire kitchen had caught on fire. So instead of finishing, I frantically ran around naked trying to douse the flames. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my five year old daughter came up to me and asked, "Mom, why are we so poor?" I replied, in a sweet motherly tone "Honey, we're not poor." She then asked, "Then why do you dress like we are poor?" FML

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By braceforcarnage - United States

Today, I got broken up with. In a text message. She texted my grandma, who then had to forward said text to me. I got broken up via grandma. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was helping tidy up after my girlfriend's flat warming. I went to put a sharp kitchen knife in the sink while she was washing dishes, and stabbed her in the finger instead. FML

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By lone_ranger - United States

Today, I told my girlfriend I have only one testicle. Her reaction? "Eeew, balls are gross!" I'm glad to know I'm only half as gross as other guys. FML

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By sleepy

Today, I was trying to fall asleep. Unfortunately, my next-door neighbor's baby began to cry. I closed the window and rolled over, unable to hear the crying anymore. My dog's hearing is better than mine, and so he started barking. Goodbye, good night's sleep. FML

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By c-mack - United States

Today, I got jumped by five dudes who took my phone. On it I had naked pictures of myself. An hour later they sent the pictures to all of my contacts. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Olympia

Today, I got laid off. Why would they lay me off right before the holidays? Because they want to make sure every one else gets a nice holiday bonus. FML

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By fuckingdonuts - United States - Edmond

Say yes

Today, my boyfriend stopped in the middle of sex to ask if I wanted to get donuts. FML

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By NotTakenYet

Today, my mom said she ran into some old coworkers and they asked about me. She was surprised they remembered me, as we only met once. The reason they remembered me is because I fell down the stairs at their house when I was 11. That was 15 years ago. FML

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By parkinglotslayer - United States

Today, my family and I were parking downtown when my sister yelled to watch out for a man approaching our car. I see him pull something from his pocket. I yell "It's a knife, don't roll down the window!" It was a pen, he was the parking attendant and the window was already rolled down. FML

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By Yay..... - Canada

Today, my friends thought it would be a good idea to make fun of a homeless man. I didn't fancy making fun of the less fortunate, so I stayed a bit back. Still, the homeless man didn't think it would matter to throw a rock at me after my buddies ran away. FML

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By damnnn - Australia

Today, I was standing on a step ladder to reach the batteries on top of my fridge so I could change the ones in my TV remote. My sister thought it would be funny to shake the ladder and see what would happen. I now have a broken leg and a TV remote with dead batteries in it. FML

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By Carrie_Chaos - United States - Fresno

Today, I started dating my best friend, who is Hispanic. I told my family the good news and all my father had to say to me was, "I will allow you to date him, but you should really think about settling with someone your own kind." FML

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By DaChief - United States - Highland Park

Today, I went to the doctor. They did a test and said they would email me the results. My girlfriend saw the email that said "The test was positive", and now she thinks I'm cheating on her with someone named Doctor Johnson. FML

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By Deceptive Dog 1242 - United States

It's Cat-Dog!

Today, I pulled something out of my tiny 6 month old puppy's mouth, thinking it was a cord that he had gotten a hold of. As it turns out, it was a baby mouse he had caught and killed. FML

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By kids

Today, my daughter was scared to go to the bathroom because she thought there was a person behind the shower curtain. There actually was a person behind the shower curtain. FML

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By hunchback of notre bite - Korea, Republic of

Today, I was in the shower with my boyfriend, and things started to get heated. That's where it all went to hell; I slipped and fell, bringing down with me the curtain and grooming products, and putting my back out. There goes my sex life. FML

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By bob - Canada

Today, I got into a pretty heated argument with my boss. On my way out the door I told him he would be lucky if I came back to work. Unfortunately, I left the interior light on in my truck and it drained the battery. I had to go back in and ask for a jump. FML

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By Florida_1827 - United States

Today, I received the 'special' present my mother had sent me for my 21st birthday. I opened the box and saw that my mother had picked out, accessorized and shipped to me, in college, a doll. FML

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By metalmusic - United States

Today, my boyfriend went to the beach. His parents relentlessly tried to hook him with other girls, all the while knowing that we're dating. Their reasoning is that I'm not a 'real girlfriend.' FML

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By Oh man... - Australia - Perth

Doggy Wants A Bone

Today, I began my ritual of my afternoon wank. As I was about to finish, I noticed my dog staring at me from across the room. We shared a longboard stare as I came, and I can't look him in the eyes the same way. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/9/2020 05:02 - Germany

Two states of matter

Today, I learned that is it possible to be constipated and have diarrhea at the same time. You run to the toilet every half-hour, but almost nothing comes out and you feel so bloated you could burst, while eating almost nothing. FML

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Top comments

By perdix | 29

#2473362 - Saturday 7 May 2011 19:52

Get revenge. Make him cheat on her with you. I know you're a dude, so you might have to go gay to pull this one off. You'll blindside her. The element of surprise is a big part of effective vengeance.

By jennifer93 | 0

#2473343 - Saturday 7 May 2011 19:52

awkward...I wonder if she knew you lived there...if so, that's just cruel

COMMENTS

By staceysgenesis16 | 0

#2473319 - Saturday 7 May 2011 19:50

wow. i think id move out at that point. lol.

Reply

littlemissFYL | 5

#2473503 - Saturday 7 May 2011 20:05

Full House!

Reply

Brandnewuser | 0

#2473635 - Saturday 7 May 2011 20:26

Most of the time people sign a lease.

Reply

Bassmasterclassi | 2

#2474110 - Saturday 7 May 2011 21:27

I'd agree unless they live under me then I'd have the loudest sex and make sure the ceiling above them shakes.

Reply

netherflame | 0

#2475268 - Sunday 8 May 2011 1:21

^--- what he said

Reply

BrokenDreamer24 | 14

#2475370 - Sunday 8 May 2011 1:35

I'm going to go with 32 on that. Make her feel bad about what she lost.

Reply

minecraft_fml | 4

#2477136 - Sunday 8 May 2011 7:18

tell the guy that she ceased on you with him

Reply

minecraft_fml | 4

#2479878 - Monday 9 May 2011 1:32

*cheated
damn iOS autocorrect!

Reply

raven02 | 0

#2483940 - Monday 9 May 2011 19:36

no perfect just bang her all this time o no hold on she cheated on you sorry

By DropDead77 | 11

#2473321 - Saturday 7 May 2011 19:50

That sucks!

By mommyhazell | 0

#2473324 - Saturday 7 May 2011 19:50

yea that does suck :(

By ImInABox | 6

#2473331 - Saturday 7 May 2011 19:50

If they're anywhere near your apartment.. Have mad hot sex every night. It'll drive them away!

Reply

BahahahLOL | 0

#2473744 - Saturday 7 May 2011 20:40

You'd know all about that you horny yellow sponge.

Reply

redhedsaysrawr | 18

#5275948 - Monday 24 December 2012 14:34

Oh he has tons of kinky imaginaaaaaaaaaation

By jennifer93 | 0

#2473343 - Saturday 7 May 2011 19:52

awkward...I wonder if she knew you lived there...if so, that's just cruel

Reply

mayoral26 | 0

#2473606 - Saturday 7 May 2011 20:23

yeah that's super awkward if she knew you lived there...

Reply

epfdwefc19 | 0

#2473789 - Saturday 7 May 2011 20:47

especially since its an ex girlfriend

By CaptainPickles72 | 18

#2473360 - Saturday 7 May 2011 19:52

If your a petty son-of-o-bitch make it look like she's cheating on her fiance with you for revenge. Or............................threesome!

By perdix | 29

#2473362 - Saturday 7 May 2011 19:52

Get revenge. Make him cheat on her with you. I know you're a dude, so you might have to go gay to pull this one off. You'll blindside her. The element of surprise is a big part of effective vengeance.

Reply

parxxx | 0

#2473540 - Saturday 7 May 2011 20:11

ah hahaha

Reply

MrsBieber4Life | 0

#2473764 - Saturday 7 May 2011 20:43

hahaha that's not a bad idea!

Reply

alex1432 | 9

#2474251 - Saturday 7 May 2011 21:51

^this

Reply

niggsby | 0

#2478856 - Sunday 8 May 2011 19:03

Lmao win

By ollie179 | 21

#2473387 - Saturday 7 May 2011 19:55

your hated

By ambowew | 7

#2473466 - Saturday 7 May 2011 20:02

Time to break in and replace their Nutella with shit.
Then you can chuckle evilly from your apartment when you hear their yells of disgust.

Reply

SunDropGirl | 0

#2473874 - Saturday 7 May 2011 20:56

hahaha win^ this made me laugh and it's a kind of stupid idea.. but it still made ne laugh

Reply

AboveTheRest | 6

#2476872 - Sunday 8 May 2011 5:55

lmaoooo

By Capt_Oblivious | 10

#2473487 - Saturday 7 May 2011 20:04

Just tell him you're glad to donate your used toys to the less fortunate.