Today, I learned that instead of spending Christmas alone with...

By hermit's life - 25/12/2016 07:11 - United States - Sellersburg

Today, I learned that instead of spending Christmas alone with my cat, enjoying chicken quesadillas and a tin of tuna while watching only the best cartoons, my mother's coming over. FML

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Holidays

Ambien conversations are the worst

Incognito browsing

Doomed

By chchboy - 22/5/2012 05:05 - United States

Today, I went all the way for the first time with my girlfriend. After I had finished, she asked me, "What just happened? Was that sex?" I wasn't sure either. FML

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By Gloria - 9/6/2018 05:00

Today, I got home with my 3 best friends in tow, only to find my husband fast asleep on the sofa, porn playing on his laptop, his boxers around his ankles, and a sticky white mess all down his thigh. I am so beyond mortified I can’t adequately describe how embarrassed I am. FML

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By Dave - 29/11/2012 14:22 - United States - Tallahassee

Today, my 5 kids were singing their favorite Christmas carols in the van, each trying to sing louder than the others. It would have probably sounded better if they were all singing the same one. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2015 17:44 - United Kingdom - Saint Leonards

Today, I shaved my pubes while staying at my senile grandma's place. I guess I didn't clean up properly, because she found some hair and insisted someone must have broken in while we were out and used the shower. I had to play along to spare myself embarrassment. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/8/2011 17:58 - Vietnam

Today, I checked into a hotel because my boss had assigned me to a new position. As soon as the reception lady looked up, she had me kicked out of the hotel. Apparently, one of the regulations is, "No prostitutes allowed." I was wearing a business suit. FML

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By diva467 - 3/10/2009 18:41 - United States

Today, I was on a date with a guy having a great time. I went up to go to the ladies' room, but as I walked back to the table, I heard some giggles. I looked and found out why. My skirt was tucked into my underwear. I was wearing my lucky Star Wars-themed panties. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/8/2011 04:46 - United States

Today, at work, I was walking to the back office, and I didn't know my manager was following me. After I walked through the door, without looking, I reached behind me to close it. Instead of grabbing the door handle, I got a handful of his crotch. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2009 05:34 - Canada

Today, I searched for free parking near my work for 30 minutes, trying to avoid paying $12 at a pay lot. I scored a spot, but 1 mile away from the office. I trekked through rain, cold, and got to work late. It was a long hard day, crawled back to my car, and had a $30 ticket on my windshield. FML

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By eh - 6/10/2014 19:12 - Azerbaijan - Baku

Today, my laziness reached a whole new level when I caught myself skipping the longer FML stories to read the shorter ones. FML

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By lionhead14 - 20/5/2011 19:05 - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up needing to wee. I was at my boyfriend's and didn't want to wake him, so I sat on the edge of the toilet and peed as quietly as possible. I realised after that I'd sat too far over and had peed on the floor. There was no loo paper. FML

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By sarah - 6/6/2020 20:00

Respect should be earned

Today, while out in public, my stepmom turned and screamed at me for a good while for “walking through a door before an elder.” People stared. FML

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By dumblond - 14/8/2009 17:01 - United States

Today, I was looking over the schedule for errors and circled a group of mistakes before handing it to my manager. When she handed it back to me, she gave me a weird look and I immediately noticed that the group of numbers I had circled formed a giant penis shape on the paper. FML

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By James - 8/2/2016 22:55 - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, the power in my village went out. This caused the back-up battery powered alarm to go off. Nobody in the house even knew our alarm worked, let alone how to make it stop. It's been going off for over an hour now. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2019 06:02

It's the new thing!

Today, I fell asleep while at an outside birthday party in the sun for a five-year-old. That five-year-old put an animal cracker on my forehead. I now have a rhino-shaped tan line. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/2/2013 15:26 - United States - Mansfield

Today, a girl came up to me on the street and said, "You have like no swag, bro." Feeling clever, I said, "At least I have a high school education." She then took out her work ID, showing me that she was a surgeon, flipped me off, then walked away saying, "This is totally going on Facebook." FML

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By wtf - 26/8/2012 05:03 - New Zealand - Invercargill

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me by picture, during a game of Draw Something. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/6/2009 14:46 - Australia

Today, my fiancé of two years told me he was bored of me and he'd just prolonged the engagement to see if anyone more interesting would come along in the mean time. He was upset because no one did. FML

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By in this day and age.... - 27/3/2016 16:53 - United States - Dallas

Today, the first words I heard from my "good, Christian" future mother-in-law included a salvo of curse words and a hushed rant about "them dirty Jews". I'm culturally Jewish. This bodes well. FML

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By stargate25 - 24/7/2015 02:33 - United States - Denver

Today, my wife sent me a Google Calendar reminder for "sex". FML

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By bitch - 16/5/2017 05:00 - United States - San Diego

Today, I dumped my boyfriend. To celebrate being newly single, I wanted to watch some shows on Netflix. My now ex-boyfriend had already changed the password. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/10/2009 20:10 - United States

Today, I was on a plane with my grandma. A cute guy sat down next to her. She asked his age. He told her he was 16. She said, "Oh, that's how old my granddaughter here is." She then turned to me and said loudly, "You should switch seats with me, he's HOT!" Well, at least Grandma loves me. FML

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By fukinlonely - 12/1/2015 12:53 - United Kingdom

Today, both my female flatmate and my gay male flatmate have got their boyfriends round. They've both stuck 'Do Not Disturb' signs on their bedroom doors and are both playing music which doesn't quite muffle the sounds of what they're up to. I haven't had a date in over six months. FML

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By fencernick - 22/4/2009 10:40 - United States

Today, I was eating a hamburger on the street when a pigeon came down to take a bite. I ran and got 30 birds or so chasing me. My legs were burning, half of my burger was gone, and an entire office building was laughing at me. FML

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By joeshmoe - 15/1/2012 12:52 - United States

Today, my girlfriend hummed the Jeopardy theme while I was trying to undo her bra. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/1/2013 05:39 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, at my 6-year-old son's birthday party, I had to explain to my boyfriend that it's not okay to use condoms as party balloons. FML

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By London - 18/9/2009 08:06 - United Kingdom

Today, I fell down the stairs and broke my arm. I went into hospital to get it put in a cast, but still went into school afterwards. I got written up for truancy because I didn't have a doctor's note. The cast was still on my arm. FML

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By jriese444 - 23/12/2011 15:45 - United States

Today, my sister is visiting. She used more toilet paper today than I have in two months. FML

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By notgettinsome - 10/11/2013 06:15 - Australia

Today, my mother was scolding my youngest sister for having unprotected sex with yet another partner. She continued with, "Why can't you be like your brother and just never have sex?" I'm 22, and she's not wrong. FML

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By sweet - 28/7/2016 02:50

Today, I discovered that despite locking the bathroom door of an airplane, a man is still fully capable of walking in on you changing your tampon. FML

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By amm - 12/11/2018 13:30

Today, my boyfriend started tickling me relentlessly. I am extremely ticklish and accidentally kicked him in the shin whilst squirming. He’s now trying to get me arrested for assault. FML

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By weirdo - 21/2/2010 08:44 - United States

Today, my boyfriend wanted me to send him a pic of myself being happy for his phone's caller ID. So I picked out a picture where I'm grinning a big grin, clearly very happy like he asked. He replies back, "You look weird there. Send a pretty one." FML

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By MrsKSB - 11/11/2010 17:46 - United States

Today, my boss was watching taser pranks online, when he said he was going to "get me". We often take turns playing pranks on each other, and I was the last to prank him. Now I'm terrified to move or turn my back on anything other than a wall at work. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/1/2011 06:32 - United States

Today, I after getting off the bus, I realized that the man I was talking to was distracting me so his "buddy" could steal my wallet. FML

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By LemmyIsWet - 17/12/2012 07:33 - United States

Today, I took a relaxing bath, but got the book I was reading slightly wet when getting out. I put it on top of the towel dryer after delicately shaking it. Five minutes later, I heard a splash; I went into the bathroom to find that my book had toppled into the toilet bowl. FML

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By Shelby - 14/8/2019 02:00

Today, my boyfriend told me that he hasn't showered in over a week, because he "doesn't like to be wet." FML

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By ollie - 26/9/2018 13:30

Today, I spent 30 minutes listening to my crush complain about a stalker that's been sending her flowers and love poems almost every week. It's me. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/11/2011 23:36 - United States

Today, my now ex-boyfriend called me over for an "important chat". This chat consisted of him not only insisting that we have sex whenever he feels like it, but demanding that I take birth control pills, because making him wear a condom is "sexist and degrading". FML

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By chevysprint - 28/2/2010 05:36 - Canada

Today, I locked my keys in my car. I was late for work so I went to smash the side window with a big rock. The rock bounced off the window and into my face. FML

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By sorryyouweregone - 25/3/2013 13:13 - Japan - Tokyo

Today, I was at a goodbye dinner with friends before I move back to America. A friend called to cry over relationship problems she refuses to fix. While I was outside trying to politely get off the phone, my friends ate and drank everything I'd ordered and closed the bill. FML

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By Forgotten - 9/8/2010 14:38 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend forgot our anniversary. But it's okay; I wasn't expecting anything after he forgot my birthday, Valentine's Day, and my name. FML

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Top comments

By Kirtres | 4

#6727752 - Sunday 25 December 2016 22:22

Don't you just hate when your plans to unwind gets sabotaged by more or less well-meaning extroverts, who just can't be convinced that you enjoy the solitude? Oh, how I love being treated like a charity case.

By TheNewGuy03 | 28

#6727774 - Sunday 25 December 2016 23:50

I am torn here, because I am a loner (mostly), and on the other hand, would greatly welcome seeing my mother on an occasion such as Christmas (despite my general disdain for holidays).

I mean ... being alone 100% of the time can't be good for your psyche. Do you not like your mother or something?

Need more info.

*sigh*

COMMENTS

By species4872 | 19

#6727662 - Sunday 25 December 2016 18:56

Ahh the cat's grandmother.

By nemcali | 33

#6727663 - Sunday 25 December 2016 18:57

And this is bad because?? need a follow up here

marcranger | 28

#6727773 - Sunday 25 December 2016 23:48

You only need a follow-up if you aren't an introvert with a legally insane mother.

Sorry, OP. I feel your pain.

By AstroTurfMatador | 11

#6727680 - Sunday 25 December 2016 19:14

You live a sad, sad life.

bretzeller | 13

#6727705 - Sunday 25 December 2016 20:17

There is nothing sad about spending time with a cat, the glorious friends.

Lost_Gurl | 7

#6727879 - Monday 26 December 2016 5:30

im actually jealous of op, seemed like they were about to have more fun then me

AstroTurfMatador | 11

#6727935 - Monday 26 December 2016 7:10

It's sad because the OP would rather spend time with the cat than their own mother. Something must have gone seriously wrong with their relationship.

By Etweens96 | 24

#6727723 - Sunday 25 December 2016 21:14

Whys that so bad? No one should be alone on Christmas, it's a time for family and friends. Otherwise I hope you have a wonderful Christmas op

marcranger | 28

#6727775 - Sunday 25 December 2016 23:51

Fuck that shit! I am taking today to unwind and relax, and I can't do that with people, especially family, around. I'd also rather spend Christmas on the bottom of the ocean than with my mother.