Health: Today, I learned how birds feel when they fly into windows. I...

By FlyLikeABird - United States - San Francisco

Today, I learned how birds feel when they fly into windows. I should be getting the hospital bill for my broken nose in the mail soon. FML

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Health

Thanks for the miracle

RIP in peace

Wait, what?

By Anonymous - United States - Parker

Today, I went to my first job interview in months. Just minutes in, a sudden huge, uncontrollable sneeze overcame me. A wad of snot flew out onto my shirt, which I didn't even notice until the visibly disgusted interviewer pointed it out. FML

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By never-even-owned-a-car - 30/8/2020 17:02

Broke

Today, it's the tenth anniversary of me getting my driver's license. My record is perfect: no accidents, no tickets. Today is also the tenth anniversary of the last time I drove a car. FML

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By Emily 1992 - United States - Klamath Falls

Today, and for the past 3 days, I've had a massive migraine. It finally went away while I was at work, thanks to my nose bleeding all over the place. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, my friends and I were drinking boba. On the side of the cup it said "Please drink carefully to avoid choking on the Boba". I started to laugh at the ridiculousness of the label, and choked on the boba in a coughing fit. FML

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By seriously? - United States - Manassas

Today, I discovered that my dad still doesn't consider my career as an app developer a "real job". FML

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By Dariya - United States

Today, I asked my mom how much she had set aside for college. She then looked and me as if I were crazy and said "Why the hell would I do anything like that?" FML

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By Lovenotes - United States

Today, my secret crush, who sits next to me in Bio, asked if he could borrow my notes. I agreed. It was only after he drove away, with my notebook, that I realized that in the back of my notes, I had written his name 100 times, surrounded by little hearts. FML

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By greg

Today, my mother sued me for whiplash in a car accident that was her fault. She screamed to stop so I slammed on the brakes and the car behind ran into us. It wasn't an emergency; she just thought she saw her friend at the bus stop. It wasn't even her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Puyallup

Today, my mother shared my phone number with my brother, despite my explicit wishes that she didn't. He immediately went and put it on Craigslist and several other websites. This is the fourth time I've had to change my number for that very same reason. FML

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By shamwazzlefarznarfnarfwoofbaaa - United States - Bronx

Today, I had to teach my grandma how to burn files to CDs. I jokingly said that it doesn't involve literally burning the disks in fire, to which she responded by slapping me and calling me a patronizing brat. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I tried shaving my bikini area for the first time. I ended up cutting myself several times. I now have impressive razor burn, and it's incredibly painful to even wear pants. FML

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By Speedy - United Kingdom

Today, I took my driving test for the first time. The instructor stopped it after less than ten minutes, and insisted she drive back to the test centre "in the interest of public safety." FML

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By MERRY FUCKMYARSEMASS - United Kingdom

Today, my car broke down on the highway, and I had to call for a tow truck. It finally showed up, only to break down too less than a mile later. Cue nearly freezing to death while we waited for help to arrive for the both of us. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/11/2020 11:02

Good luck out there…

Today, my father said I only voted for Biden "because I watch the news." He's a hardcore Trumpster. FML

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By clkoko - United States - Buffalo

Today, I noticed that the eye drops I have been using 3 times a day for the past week expired when the Jonas Brothers were popular. FML

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By LittleGina - United States - Benson

Today, a woman was standing in front of me in line. There was a strand of hair on her back, so to be nice, I pulled it off her. It was still attached to her head. FML

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By oldmama728

Today, I once again told my son he needed a job and a girlfriend because I simply could not keep him in my house anymore. He yelled, "No, I can do whatever I want!" Then went back to playing video games. He's 38. FML

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By Creeped - United States

Today, I'm hiding from my creepy next-door neighbor. She constantly trash-talks my partner of two years, she's mentally unstable, looks to me for support, has a raging crush on me, and she drunkenly tried to make out with me last weekend. I'm two months older than her daughter. FML

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By 404 justice not found - United States - Whitehall

Today, I've suffered 3 months of my neighbor blasting his music so loud, it shakes my apartment floor. None of my noise complaints are ever followed up, but the moment I give him a piece of my mind, he calls the cops and they threaten me with jail time over a few curse words. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2020 14:01

America's Funniest Home Videos

Today, I found out that a guy who works overnights had secretly been videotaping me singing and dancing to my favorite songs while I worked my own graveyard shift. My new nickname at work is 'Prancy'. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I came home and saw my roommate had taken out the garbage for the first time in the three years we have lived in the same house. Unfortunately, the bag of laundry I had by the door was taken out with it as well. FML

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By Hatilic_

Today, my idiot of a boss yelled at me because it's physically impossible for me to be in two places at the same time, and that I'm not a magician. He didn't understand that. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, on the subway, a little tipsy, I sat down next to a guy I thought was cute, hoping to enjoy some harmless flirting. I said, "Hello." He said, "May I ask you a question?" I said, "Sure." He said, "Can you please move away from me?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it was my big sister's birthday, and I was told the iPod I ordered her online was not coming due to a mix up. I drove to three different electronic stores before I found the one she wanted. After spending forever in traffic, I came home to find a package on my doorstep. It was her iPod. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up next to my best friend after lots of drinking and the best sex I've ever had in my life. The only problem is we're both straight males. FML

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By coffee girl - Canada

Today, the gift my mother had mailed me for my birthday finally arrived. It was a gift card for Starbucks. A gift card that had already been redeemed. FML

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By Horneyandbleeding - 23/11/2020 07:01 - Canada - Winnipeg

Bad timing

Today, I got my period. I was going to have my first threesome tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was in my car and a cute guy pulled up next to me. He looked at me and smiled, but in order to be cool, I pretended not to notice. I also pretended that I was listening to music and was completely absorbed in it, singing passionately. I wasn't even listening to music and my window was down. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom decided to wake me up by pouring ice cold water on my face. Again. FML

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By derve - United States

Today, as my girlfriend and I were finishing up a romantic dinner, she gazed into my eyes for a moment and said, "You know, sometimes you look like a character from Sesame Street." FML

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By myheart75 - Australia

Today, my niece told me to go and find my own friends. She's 2, and I'm 18. FML

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By Anonymous - Belgium

Today, in a rush to get out of my house to go to a doctor's appointment, I closed the door behind me without having my house or car keys on me. Sadly, it took me less than a minute to break into my own house. FML

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By Cress

Today, my dad asked what I wanted for my birthday. The only thing I wanted was the complete series of Dragon Ball Z on DVD. He just sighed, shook his head, and asked me to pick something normal. FML

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By Tris

Talk is cheap

Today, my co-workers keep making fun of me because I said, “You’re very so welcome.” They say it's not proper grammar, but honestly I can’t find anything that says I’m wrong. FML

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By Oops

Today, someone broke the flush on the toilet in the only female bathroom in the office, and didn’t leave either a note or out of order sign. The broken flush became very apparent, however, after I was unable to flush the vile smelling deposit I’d left in there. FML

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By Jonnygiant - United States

Today, I was taking a shower after basketball practice. When I got out of the shower I thought no one was home so I thought it might be fun to walk around the house completely naked. I walk downstairs and my mom was eating dinner. Along with 20 other members of her bookclub. FML

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By wildwonder808 - United States - Dearborn

Today, I caught my new neighbor sticking his knob inside my car and pissing on my seats. His reason? I parked in his spot. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Boston

Today, on the bus, a little boy gave me the dirtiest look, pointed at my pregnant stomach, and menacingly said, "I know what you did." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dansville

Today, my boyfriend and I were having dinner with my family. He killed a bug and ate it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Franklin

Today, at my minimum wage job, we received a half-way decomposed dog found in a lake. It was my job to tear open the bag and try to identify the breed and color. It would've been easier if the body wasn't crawling with maggots. FML

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Top comments

By LiveLifeAllDay | 11

#6120608 - Monday 17 November 2014 9:49

I'm usually nice about this but I would have loved to see this happen

By PenguinBitch | 43

#6120620 - Monday 17 November 2014 10:12

*two crows laugh nearby*

COMMENTS

By LifeMD | 14

#6120604 - Monday 17 November 2014 9:46

Don't worry OP, I've had something similar happen to me. If you're a bird, I'm a bird.

By ihaveasushicat | 24

#6120605 - Monday 17 November 2014 9:46

Did you leave a face print on the glass like birds usually do?

By Ohshitdude | 21

#6120607 - Monday 17 November 2014 9:49

Were you at least drunk?

By LiveLifeAllDay | 11

#6120608 - Monday 17 November 2014 9:49

I'm usually nice about this but I would have loved to see this happen

By scottyboy417 | 19

#6120612 - Monday 17 November 2014 9:58

I walked into a stop sign once face first. I feel your pain.

By devildog562 | 33

#6120614 - Monday 17 November 2014 9:59

Windex , birds and humans worse enemy. Hope you're okay op.

badluckalex | 23

#6120624 - Monday 17 November 2014 10:16

spiders are #1

By PenguinBitch | 43

#6120620 - Monday 17 November 2014 10:12

*two crows laugh nearby*

By SarahSehhati | 40

#6120623 - Monday 17 November 2014 10:15

Let the sun shine through...Windex :)

By bombielol | 20

#6120638 - Monday 17 November 2014 10:34

ouch....

By Stryker_13 | 19

#6120644 - Monday 17 November 2014 10:45

You flew into a window and broke your nose? That's quite a talent you have there xP are you sure you aren't part bird?