Animals: Today, I kicked my dog's toy snake out of my way. Then I realised... - FML

By uh-oh - 25/03/2012 05:49 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I kicked my dog's toy snake out of my way. Then I realised my dog doesn't have a toy snake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 520

You deserved it 3 710

Taking stock

Good kid

Sibling rivalry

By storyofmylife - 23/08/2009 02:41 - United States

Today, I spilled my heart out to a guy by showing him one of my poetry journals. He read through it and said, "Wow, I feel sorry for the guy you wrote about." The poems were all about how I loved him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 125

You deserved it 7 958

By chunky monkey - 14/03/2016 18:26 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, my boyfriend of a year and a half informed me that he had "accepted" my stomach, even though it didn't conform to his "preference" for a flat stomach. He then added that his acceptance doesn't extend to my "chunky thighs". FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 081

You deserved it 3 185

By innuendom - 22/09/2010 06:56 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out I have a job interview coming up. For the job I'm currently doing and have been for the last nine months. My manager told me not to expect too much. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 459

You deserved it 2 380

By Anonymous - 19/10/2014 04:11 - United States

Today, I took my printer to work because the one in my office is broken. When I tried to leave, my boss stopped me and accused me of stealing it from the office. Nobody would believe me when I explained. Now my boss has a new printer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 603

You deserved it 6 544

Gotta get that clout

By Debate bros STFU - 26/07/2021 06:01

Today, my live-in boyfriend spent yet another evening trying to bait Twitch streamers into a debate about stuff he barely understands. He's obsessed with "growing his audience", and I'm getting tired of his bullshit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 717

You deserved it 141

By mymidlifecrisis - 08/09/2016 04:53 - United States - Valley Village

Today, after years in a relationship I realized that my partner does not like the music I listen to, the food I cook, the pictures I take, the way I dress. The only thing she likes is when I take her out to eat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 879

You deserved it 1 365

Nature is harsh

By fallsdownplenty45 - 02/06/2009 11:08 - Taiwan

Today, I went biking. I attempted a large hill and lost control, slipped, and fell ten feet into a sewage pit. Riding home covered in crap, my sock caught my chain and I flipped over my bike. My dad had to spray me with the garden hose, bloody and shitty, in the front yard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 824

You deserved it 6 703

Working from home rules!

By Anonymous - 22/02/2021 02:01

Today, my husband said a cheery, "Hi!" to me after 4 hours of nonstop Zoom calls. I spun around happily and greeted him back. Turns out he just joined another Zoom call. FML

I agree, your life sucks 825

You deserved it 104

Letting it all hang out

By zoomzoom - 10/09/2020 17:02 - United States

Today, I had to send out yet another email reminding families that everyone must be fully dressed while in view of the screen. This includes the student, any other children and the adults in the home. I teach first grade. It’s almost a weekly occurrence to have to send these. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 287

You deserved it 118

By Anonymous - 12/06/2016 10:00 - Australia - Port Melbourne

Today, the girl I'd been seeing for a few weeks lost her mind and yanked my car's e-brake while we were on the highway. Why? Because I said I wasn't really interested in having kids. Guess I'll cross that relationship off as a "hell no". FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 216

You deserved it 2 144

By jumanji - 23/03/2015 23:19

Today, I heard what sounded like water against my window, and I couldn't believe it was raining in Southern California at this time of the year. I then turned to the window to see a hobo peeing on my window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 342

You deserved it 2 629

By seatle girl - 28/06/2016 00:43 - France - Les Mureaux

Today, my six-year-old daughter organized a treasure hunt… for our cat. She hid the contents of an entire bag of cat food all around the house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 567

You deserved it 952

Superanty Man

By Anonymous - 02/03/2020 03:30

Today, I met my father-in-law for the first time. He went on a big rant how men are superior intellects and women contribute nothing to society. Ironic, as it took me, a woman, 30 seconds to notice it's biologically impossible for him to be my husband's father. After 33 years, both he and my husband haven't figured it out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 630

You deserved it 197

By Anonymous - 09/03/2010 07:47 - United States

Today, I was driving back home after hanging out with some friends. I drove pass a woman standing next to a broken down car. I felt bad, so went back and offered her a ride home. Turns out it wasn't her car and she was a hooker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 262

You deserved it 4 578

By Anonymous - 30/12/2017 15:00

Today, after 4 years of college to get a BA in Marketing and 2 years to get an MBA, I landed a great job as a receptionist. My boss likes to fist bump when I buzz him through the security door correctly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 128

You deserved it 744

Catching up

By Anonymous - 13/08/2020 23:01

Today, I got a message from my crush, with whom I had a one night stand with a few months ago. I was really surprised and excited to see his name pop up on my phone. Turns out, he only messaged me to accuse me of giving him mono, and then he blocked me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 343

You deserved it 239

By Anonymous - 29/11/2009 13:49 - United States

Today, I was shopping at the grocery market and was next in line. Behind me was a woman who only had two items, so I nicely let her in front of me, as it looked like she was in a hurry. When she was all rung up, she decided to pay her $16.45 in loose change which needed to be counted out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 065

You deserved it 6 200

By ihatetheholidays - 23/12/2018 20:00

Today my boss informed us that there were no more single shifts we were all working doubles until further notice. Also there’s a way for us to “earn” a half day but we have to out sell everyone else in the office to get it. So being new I haven’t had time off in two weeks... FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 413

You deserved it 173

By Anonymous - 21/03/2016 21:26 - United States - Depew

Today, I parked my car in the company lot and walked down the street to a mandatory company training. While I was at the training, everyone back at the office decided to leave early and locked the company lot. My car is now stuck there for the night and I'm walking home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 849

You deserved it 1 521

By julesmommy - 08/09/2011 05:36 - United States

Today, my husband used our last $2000 to buy himself a motorcycle. It's supposed to "save us a lot on gas money." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 892

You deserved it 3 227

By whymyliferose - 03/06/2011 04:47 - United States

Today, my boss's cat died. I'm expected to attend the service. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 082

You deserved it 4 502

By Anonymous - 26/09/2015 12:08 - United States

Today, I found out that my contact name in my girlfriend's phone is "Dipshit McFucktard". FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 863

You deserved it 3 960

By Anonymous - 23/01/2013 01:33 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I discovered that my downstairs neighbor is running a business out of her apartment. Or I should say, her pimp is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 923

You deserved it 2 530

By karl - 10/01/2009 06:50 - Ireland

Today, we were out smoking a bit of spliff just walking around. We saw a place to sit down in this little car park we were walking past. The cops came over and busted us. Turns out we were in the main car park for the cop shop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 460

You deserved it 44 244

By Anonymous - 16/01/2014 01:57 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, it was my first day at my new school. I've never been the new girl before, so I asked my best friend for advice. She said, "Whatever you do, do not, under any circumstances, be yourself." FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 113

You deserved it 5 468

Karma

By Anonymous - 18/08/2021 00:01 - United States

Spicy

Today, my side chick decided to call my wife and inform her about the affair I was having, all because I slammed on the brakes in the car to avoid hitting a cat and made her spill her frozen yoghurt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 181

You deserved it 3 612

By Anonymous - 24/08/2009 11:33 - Romania

Today, I had a double wedding with my sister. My mother, being as encouraging as she always is, told us that statistics say one of our marriages will end in divorce. She then explained she thinks it'll be mine because I'm 'a self-absorbed bitch'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 574

You deserved it 8 909

Performative

By Anonymous - 12/11/2021 01:02 - United States - Fort Bragg

Today, I fucking hate Veterans Day. It's just an outpouring of artificial gratitude, because tomorrow when all the parades and free meals are all gone, my back will still hurt, my knees will still hurt, and my soul will still be tainted. No one fucking gives a shit anymore, not like yesterday, not even close. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 223

You deserved it 230

By bandcamp926 - 05/01/2010 01:02 - United States

Today, after the two week winter break, I went back to school to find that the bookbag that I'd left in my car was covered in some creepy, pink gooey stuff. Under the freezing conditions, my lotion had exploded all over my notes and bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 317

You deserved it 22 624

By Anonymous - 29/08/2013 18:12 - United States - Mount Clemens

Today, my girlfriend freaked out, thinking she might be pregnant due to her period being late. I found myself reminding her that one actually has to have had sex recently to become pregnant. We've been living together, sexless, for over a year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 642

You deserved it 6 518

By catdog552 - 28/02/2013 11:02 - United States

Today, while I was studying for an exam, my younger sister came home extremely drunk and threw up all over herself and her bed. I later got grounded for not setting a better example. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 886

You deserved it 2 588

By foreverAlone - 04/04/2016 19:40 - United States - Chesapeake Beach

Today, I met a cute girl. She seemed really sweet and I was heartbroken to find out that she had fallen on hard times and was living in a shelter. I asked her if I could take her out to lunch. She said, "No." I can't even get a date with a homeless girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 325

You deserved it 5 189

Dreamweaver

By Anonymous - 09/02/2021 08:01

Today, I woke up with a scream of pain to find the reason I've had so many realistic dreams lately: my boyfriend has been messing with me in my sleep because he thinks my reactions are funny. For instance, when he pinched me today, I experienced a very realistic wasp sting in my dream. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 237

You deserved it 93

By numb fingers - 15/04/2016 05:54 - United States - Banning

Today, as I was stretching, I realized my hand can reach all the way up to touch the fan, when it was on, and going full speed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 913

You deserved it 3 721

By Anonymous - 14/11/2010 09:42 - United States

Today, I tried on the new dress I bought for myself. I, for once, thought I looked pretty all right. I asked my dog, "How do I look?" and she threw up on my pillow. My brother can't stop laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 776

You deserved it 5 136

By ming - 19/08/2018 14:30

Today, despite being 22 and having near-perfect dental hygiene, I was diagnosed with receding gums and can only eat soft food for the rest of my life. Then the dentist told me that this typically only happens to people over fifty who don’t take care of their teeth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 801

You deserved it 230

By Missy - 19/10/2011 22:29 - Australia

Today, my parents had a fight as to which one of them is the most cultured. As a result, they've begun writing my chore lists in a variety of languages. If I don't do them, I'm grounded. I only speak English. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 059

You deserved it 3 378

By Alexandra - 05/03/2013 20:17 - United States - Gaithersburg

Today, I found out that my boyfriend and one of his friends have been having sex with each other. His excuse? "She's my best friend, we do this all the time." I have been dating him for over a year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 615

You deserved it 4 122

By SKYYYLLLARRRR!!!! - 01/02/2015 16:17 - United States - Gurnee

Spicy

Today, my Breaking Bad-obsessed boyfriend actually used the phrase "I am the one who cocks" during foreplay. My vagina just about turned into a desert on the spot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 229

You deserved it 4 242

By imawesomeokay - 20/07/2013 05:53 - Mexico - Zapopan

Today, I went to watch a movie. In the middle of it, I accidentally fell asleep. Minutes later, I awoke on a stranger's shoulder. He was caressing my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 156

You deserved it 10 923

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Top comments

thehouseaddict 3

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Sunday 25 March 2012 12:02

Run, Forrest, run'

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Sunday 25 March 2012 12:06

Could have been worse, you could have kicked your pet snake's dog toy :)

Comments

thehouseaddict 3

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Sunday 25 March 2012 12:02

Run, Forrest, run'

scarletchamber 0

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Sunday 25 March 2012 12:09

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

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Sunday 25 March 2012 12:37

OP never told us what kind of snake it was. It could be a venomous snake. Australia IS home to many deadly animals.

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Sunday 25 March 2012 12:53

Very true 17, and lots of dangerous spiders. Australia has some very scary wildlife. I once got chased by a cassowary, they are a very scary bird!

BABYPUNCHINGGUY 0

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Sunday 25 March 2012 14:38

Ok im gonna go for it. THERE'S A SNAKE IN MY BOOT!!

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Sunday 25 March 2012 14:44

29, don't forget about the drop bears. Those damn koalas, just waiting, all cute and fluffy, for their chance to jump out of the trees, right onto your head... Claws out and everything.

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Sunday 25 March 2012 19:50

It could of been worst ..

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Sunday 25 March 2012 21:14

"Something bit me!!"

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Sunday 25 March 2012 22:43

Given OP's location it was probably an eastern brown. OP's lucky their dog is alive and they're not in agony in hospital. On the other hand, if it was dead 'cause OP's dog killed it they should probably stay away from the RSPCA and WIRES for a while. Oopst....

GirlYouNasty 11

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Monday 26 March 2012 4:27

43- I really enjoyed your comment for one reason: both the line you said and the one posted at the beginning of the thread are said either by Tom Hanks or in Tom Hanks movies. Whether or not this is intentional doesn't matter. Bravo

XanderScythe 11

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Wednesday 28 March 2012 1:31

7, the island taipan, the most poisonous land snake in the world, LIVES in Australia, my homeland ;)

idntwannaknow 3

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Friday 30 March 2012 6:29

And then you realized you didn't have a dog...

justhadtosaytht 0

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Tuesday 17 July 2012 1:10

And it's home to some of the most dangerous snakes.

xxBFMVAAMIWxx 18

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Tuesday 7 January 2014 13:38

17 and 29 - you have no idea ;) wildlife here is crazy as fuck. What other country has jumping marsupials that can drown a dog in a dam (seen the after effects of a kicking/slashing/drowning, ain't pretty) has mammals that lay eggs which hatch for the babies to crawl into a pouch, and has some of the deadliest snakes and spiders in the world? ;) OP I hear and feel your pain

lolipop1234_fml 7

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Sunday 25 March 2012 12:05

I moderated this one :)

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Sunday 25 March 2012 12:21

Your mother must be so proud.

lolipop1234_fml 7

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Sunday 25 March 2012 12:33

My mothers dead.

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Sunday 25 March 2012 12:39

Sorry. It was an honest mistake. I'll just go hide in this corner.......

lolipop1234_fml 7

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Sunday 25 March 2012 12:48

Thank you.

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Sunday 25 March 2012 13:19

Good job!

laden_swallow09 34

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Sunday 25 March 2012 13:40

What, she can't be proud of you in the afterlife?

lolipop1234_fml 7

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Sunday 25 March 2012 13:52

I think we should stop talking about if my dead mother is proud of me of not!

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Sunday 25 March 2012 15:35

well this was an amazingly awkward conversation to read.

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Sunday 25 March 2012 16:51

lolipop1234, I'm sorry for your loss

AlexFallenAngel 2

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Sunday 25 March 2012 17:07

your mother being dead doesnt give you a right to be a jackwad.

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Sunday 25 March 2012 17:09

Shut the f up

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Sunday 25 March 2012 17:28

62- You realize you can use the word fuck, right fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

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Sunday 25 March 2012 17:31

62- what's an "f" ?

lolipop1234_fml 7

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Sunday 25 March 2012 17:37

I didn't mean to offend anyone but sorry if I did. And 65 I freaking love teddiursa :)

lolipop1234_fml 7

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Sunday 25 March 2012 18:00

The start of my last comment was for 61.

lolipop1234_fml 7

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Sunday 25 March 2012 19:06

Actually, what did I say that makes me a "jackwad"? Just wondering.

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Sunday 25 March 2012 12:06

Could have been worse, you could have kicked your pet snake's dog toy :)

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Sunday 25 March 2012 12:10

Wtf

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Sunday 25 March 2012 13:13

Haha

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Sunday 25 March 2012 13:21

Haha

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Wednesday 28 March 2012 2:09

Why you kick my dog?

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Sunday 25 March 2012 12:06

Pull out the ol trouser snake and have an epic battle!

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Sunday 25 March 2012 12:37

Jizz in it's eye! Yeah!

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Sunday 25 March 2012 16:16

A wild ekans appeared. Go penis! Penis used jizz. Ekans' accuracy fell. Ekans used poison fang. Penis was detached! Penis fainted

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Sunday 25 March 2012 16:53

Beware of the one eyed snake!

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Sunday 25 March 2012 12:08

I bet the snake was as happy about it as you were...

lolipop1234_fml 7

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Sunday 25 March 2012 12:09

It could have ended worse if you picked it up and threw it for your dog.

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Sunday 25 March 2012 12:16

You kicked your dog's penis? Nice

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Sunday 25 March 2012 12:41

Nope he kicked his own i'd say.

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Sunday 25 March 2012 12:41

Why would u want to kick ur dogs penis? Is ur girlffruend outta town?

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Sunday 25 March 2012 12:49

^Que?

Sidel 11

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Sunday 25 March 2012 17:12

23: do you mean you kick your girlfriends penis or does she kick yours?

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Tuesday 27 March 2012 6:25

No, what i think he meant is that he mistook his dogs penis for a snake, realized it was HIS penis, then re-realized that his penis is not as large as a snake, so; it was a snake.

letsgooo_fml 23

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Sunday 25 March 2012 12:18

Now you can brag about kicking a snake cause you're a fearless rebel.

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Sunday 25 March 2012 14:14

*fearless bastard

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Sunday 25 March 2012 20:07

*mean to snakes

Devor 5

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Sunday 25 March 2012 12:24

:0

hernando240411 0

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Sunday 25 March 2012 12:27

Are you British?

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Sunday 25 March 2012 12:39

Why does it matter? BTW, OP is Australian.

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Sunday 25 March 2012 12:40

No seeing at it says next to OP's name : New South Wales, Austrailia. -_____-

noodlepoodle96 0

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Sunday 25 March 2012 12:42

I hope that somehow somewhere, you're born in Australia and ignorant people like you ask, "Are u BrItIsH?!! Omg sooooo KEWL"

hayyyyleyyyybaby_fml 14

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Sunday 25 March 2012 13:52

I use fml on my phone, and it doesn't tell any information about OP besides the name they choose for their fml. Just saying....

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Sunday 25 March 2012 16:33

Uh, I'm on the app too; yes, it does.

nofearjenshere 12

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Sunday 25 March 2012 16:51

Just to clear things up, I have the app on my phone & on my iPod. On my phone(android), it doesn't show any info. But on my iPod it does. So it just depends on your device.

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Sunday 25 March 2012 16:55

On my iPhone it says where they're from

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Sunday 25 March 2012 18:15

Wow, the android app sucks.

Nearly

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19

You deserved it 4

Today, I realized the cute girl with a nice ass, long hair and a great personality I've been talking to is actually a very gay dude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17

You deserved it 42

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I had a horrible date with this guy I’ve been seeing. He wanted me to give it up, but I wasn’t ready, so he dumped me on the spot. I went home crying to my mother and her response was, “Stop being such a prude! What are you? Ten? Grow the fuck up!” Thanks mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 740

You deserved it 144

Today, my wife and I had arranged a threesome with a guy, but I was late home so they “had the threesome without me.” It’s not cheating, because I obviously knew she was going to have sex with him during the threesome, but me not being there makes me mad and I can’t coherently explain why. FML

I agree, your life sucks 786

You deserved it 947