Love: Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my dad. I thought it was... - FML

By Norwegian - 02/06/2012 16:55 - Norway

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my dad. I thought it was a good idea at the time, at least until he took her aside for a private chat. During the chat, he told her all about my two previous marriages and advised her to "get out while you can". FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 863

You deserved it 7 342

Mama's boy

There's no helping some people

Bullshit reason #874

Sketchy dude

By WTF - 12/08/2021 11:01

Spicy

Today, I was on the street with my sister. We walked by a homeless guy, who asked me for food. I gave him the leftovers from a restaurant we were just at. He also asked me if he could, "bang my girlfriend." My sister is 15. FML

I agree, your life sucks 956

You deserved it 68

By Anonymous - 15/12/2009 14:49 - United States

Today, I went to a movie with a girl I went to high school with. There was a preview for an upcoming 3D movie. I asked her if she had ever seen a 3D movie before. She told me she couldn't because she is blind in one eye. Apparently it's a "sensitive subject." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 466

You deserved it 4 851

By hurtinrealbad - 16/10/2012 17:25 - United States - Tempe

Today, I had a cyst in my butt removed. The doctors had to make a hole, and then fill it with gauze before sending me home. As soon as I got back, my sister decided to kick me in the butt as hard as she could. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 029

You deserved it 1 964

By Anonymous - 16/10/2010 09:57 - United States

Today, I started some laundry late at night. Once my clothes were in the washer for about a half hour, I got bored and I decided I would listen to my iPod. After looking for it for another 15 minutes, I remembered where I'd left it; in my jacket... which is now nice and clean. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 549

You deserved it 27 278

By Anonyme - 30/08/2013 10:59 - France - Ivry-sur-seine

Today, a man in a hurry asked me for a light. Not being able to find my lighter amongst the muddle inside my handbag, I handed him my lit cigarette so he could light his. He took it from me, started smoking it and walked off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 076

You deserved it 35 796

By OnlyMe - 08/10/2009 15:29 - United States

Spicy

Today, I realized that I broke up with a man that loved me and was great in bed but was afraid of commitment, to be with a man that loves me, that is great in bed, and wants to be with me forever. So what's the problem? Now that we are committed, he won't get it on with me anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 602

You deserved it 23 306

By julieb - 23/05/2009 05:04 - United States

Today, I was putting on cream and my son asked what it was for. I told him it was to keep the wrinkles away. He looked at me closely and replied, "I don't think it's working." FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 643

You deserved it 6 480

By Anonymous - 08/02/2013 22:38 - United Kingdom - Romford

Today, I told my parents that I was going to hang out with some friends. My dad guffawed and said, "Ooh, look at Mary, pretending she has a social life." Thanks, Dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 363

You deserved it 3 294

By Doggy... - 10/11/2011 05:56 - Australia

Today, my neighbours watched and laughed as I chased my dog around the lawn, trying to rescue the only clean pair of underwear I had in my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 677

You deserved it 9 861

By Anonymous - 14/10/2011 22:40 - United States

Today, I realized the closest I've ever been to being hit on was with a car in the school parking lot. Even then, the guy claimed he "didn't notice" me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 947

You deserved it 3 017

By Anonymous - 05/10/2014 16:02 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, the guy I really like acknowledged my existence for the first time. Too bad it was through a text saying "lol ur a fat fukc". FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 186

You deserved it 4 314

By nickname - 14/09/2009 09:21 - United Kingdom

Today, I was at a birthday party and got my face rubbed in with a cake. When I came out of the restroom having washed my face I noticed one of the girls going in. Just to be nice I asked, "They put cake on your face too, did they?" She said no, that was just her make-up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 919

You deserved it 35 179

Abandoned

By Anonymous - 04/04/2020 05:00

Today, I found a baby in a cradle on my doorstep. I was shocked that someone would do this, so I picked it up and uncovered the baby. It was actually a rudimentary stink bomb that went off in my face when I uncovered it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 068

You deserved it 224

By Jake - 01/07/2009 12:28 - Australia

Today, I logged on to MSN for the first time in a month. In under 10 minutes, I found out that my little sister had changed my screen name to Jake the Weiner, told my friend that he should "suck my d***" and sent an email to all my contacts declaring my love for my best friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 877

You deserved it 6 485

Free the Flow!

By Lunar-Spice - 23/10/2019 14:00

Today, I went to take a shower. I noticed a funky smell, but I just assumed it was from whoever had been there last. When I pulled the shower curtain back, I found out that my sister has stopped using feminine hygiene products for her period. It looked like someone had died in the bathtub. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 781

You deserved it 164

By massage mama - 04/08/2019 07:00 - United States - Hesperia

Today, I got a call from my daughter’s school. Apparently, she told her teacher about the “special massages” mommy gives her. I’m a licensed massage therapist, and I massage my daughter with lavender to help her sleep. Now everyone thinks I’m a weirdo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 943

You deserved it 151

By anonymous - 27/06/2015 17:40 - United States

Today, my mom said that if I wasn't her daughter, she probably wouldn't even like me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 117

You deserved it 2 860

That escalated badly

By Anonymous - 19/03/2020 09:03

Spicy

Today, a blowjob from my fiancée turned into exchanged oral, which turned into mutual masturbation while watching porn, which then turned into me being kicked out of the room because it was "weird" with me watching. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 283

You deserved it 309

By Anonymous - 26/10/2015 04:42

Today, after finishing a bottle and a half of pure cranberry juice to flush my bladder for a possible infection, I've been spewing liquid shits all day, my asshole burns and it hurts to sit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 473

You deserved it 5 716

Wait for me!

By Anonymous - 03/01/2021 01:58

Today, the parking shuttle for work pulled away right as I was walking up to it. I was late to work. For the second day in a row. FML

I agree, your life sucks 400

You deserved it 635

By Anonymous - 21/09/2010 14:23 - United Kingdom

Today, I realised that I could see my own mustache out of my peripheral vision while I was eating. I'm a 23 year old woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 283

You deserved it 14 618

By Anonymous - 20/11/2010 05:49 - United States

Today, it was my birthday. The only person that remembered was my creepy stalker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 125

You deserved it 3 277

By Homeless - 09/03/2009 12:12 - United States

Today, I got back to my apartment from being away for the past week on Spring break. I found the locks on my apartment changed and all my things on the curb, many of them broken or stolen. I ran to the leasing office to see what had happened. Turns out it was an accounting error on their part. FML

I agree, your life sucks 96 905

You deserved it 3 511

By tireedddddd - 25/11/2011 16:24 - United States

Today, I was woken up at 6am to the sound of my mother on the back deck of the house hooting like an owl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 047

You deserved it 2 473

Industrial logs

By wow - 19/02/2009 21:44 - United States

Today, I took a massive dump at work and clogged the industrial toilet. Since I used the unisex one at the end of the hall, I watched my super hot coworker walk in after me. And then she ran out immediately. Everyone had seen me walk out before her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 494

You deserved it 36 852

By Anonymous - 17/02/2017 06:00 - Canada - Calgary

Today, at the hairdresser's, I fell asleep while my hair was being washed. My barber had to shake me awake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 073

You deserved it 1 052

By Anonymous - 20/01/2016 15:32 - United States - San Francisco

Today, a customer filed a complaint against me because my coworker took too long to do a price check. I hate my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 127

You deserved it 1 318

By Anonymous - 15/12/2016 04:50

Today, my girlfriend gave me a choice of having a circumcision or breaking up with her. Either way I'm going to lose something I hold dear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 315

You deserved it 1 055

By rosesareyellow - 30/07/2010 04:40 - United States

Today, I dropped my phone in water, and my friends told me to put it in rice to draw out the water. They put my phone in riceroni. My phone now smells like chicken and has rice seasoning stuck all over it. Needless to say it still doesn't work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 031

You deserved it 33 392

By Patrick - 27/01/2010 11:55 - United States

Spicy

Today, I realized that my ex-girlfriend has gone further with a girl than I have. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 410

You deserved it 5 245

By Anonymous - 30/09/2011 01:33 - United States

Today, my parents came to visit me. I bought boxers and cologne to make it look like I had a man here. I've been single since I moved away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 940

You deserved it 28 292

By Brittany - 01/03/2009 20:00 - United States

Today, I typed an essay on my friend's computer, so she forwarded it to me in a email and she made the subject "here bitch" as a joke. I then went to email the essay to my teacher. I forwarded it thinking nothing of it only to realize that I didn't change the subject name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 034

You deserved it 56 421

By Kingofbosses - 22/08/2013 05:31 - United States

Today, I moved into my university dorm a week before classes start. Everyone kept giving me weird looks as they watched me move my stuff in. Finally, one of my dorm mates asked me if I knew that school had actually started last week. I didn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 402

You deserved it 16 509

By Anonymous - 06/01/2013 21:35 - Sweden - Staffanstorp

Today, at the reading of my mother's last will and testament, I found out that despite having cared for her for the final years of her life, she denied me an inheritance. She basically said I'm an embarrassment, because when she wrote it, I was 31 years old, with no wife or children. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 149

You deserved it 2 373

By ouch - 01/07/2015 13:35 - Canada - Saint Marys

Today, the only reason my husband agreed to marriage counselling is because he finds our therapist attractive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 635

You deserved it 2 753

By unlucky_number13 - 14/07/2009 09:41 - United States

Spicy

Today, my crush came over and we began to fool around. He started to kiss my stomach, and just when I was getting into it, he pulled away with a disgusted look on his face, wiped his mouth, and said, "We'll continue this when you get rid of all your bellybutton lint." FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 843

You deserved it 62 496

By CandlesSuck - 02/11/2009 03:44 - Canada

Today, I invited my girlfriend to come over, telling her I had a surprise. I filled the bathtub and lit a lot of candles to be romantic. She gets here, and we start doing our thing. Until we smell something burning. It was my hair. I now have a bald spot on the back of my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 782

You deserved it 29 274

By Anonymouse - 02/07/2011 07:42 - United States

Today, while I thought my brother was playing with my new phone, he was actually texting a bunch of my friends that I have chlamydia. He deleted his texts so I wouldn't see them, and I spent a half-hour trying to figure out why I kept getting texts of shock and sympathy. We're both in our 20's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 534

You deserved it 4 771

By maddie - 06/11/2013 05:06 - United States - Austin

Today, I discovered that the guy I've been seeing is a firm supporter of the Westboro Baptist Church. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 287

You deserved it 7 513

By Anonymous - 14/10/2017 20:00

Today, I offered to let my niece and brother stay at my apartment, as my brother was going through a rough divorce and had lost his job. After coming home from work, I found my niece had snapped all of my pencils and had ruined over ten years worth of artwork. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 524

You deserved it 323

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Top comments

BitchPlease18 6

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Sunday 3 June 2012 3:20

Maybe he has a good reason for saying that? After all you have been divorced twice...

CoolAidIsMyName 0

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Sunday 3 June 2012 3:17

Did she?

Comments

CoolAidIsMyName 0

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Sunday 3 June 2012 3:17

Did she?

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Sunday 3 June 2012 3:22

He sounds like a sweet man

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Sunday 3 June 2012 6:45

How can you deserve this?

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Sunday 3 June 2012 17:34

Sound like a good time

rino1 2

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Sunday 3 June 2012 17:49

Maybe his dad did it to help him, by saving him the cost of another divorce:)

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Sunday 3 June 2012 23:07

Did anybody else think of Ross from Friends?

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Monday 4 June 2012 17:39

I thought of Ross from friends too haha

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Sunday 3 June 2012 3:19

What a cock blocker

KrayKrayGurl117 7

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Sunday 3 June 2012 7:39

This reminded me of that one Kevjumba video ;P

SandiRainbowFish 20

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Sunday 3 June 2012 3:20

FYL. Your dad didn't need to say that :| I'm sorry, OP.

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Sunday 3 June 2012 11:15

And the ironic thing is your picture is a cock

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Sunday 3 June 2012 14:50

Not the actual definition of irony but ok.

BitchPlease18 6

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Sunday 3 June 2012 3:20

Maybe he has a good reason for saying that? After all you have been divorced twice...

littlegreycells 6

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Sunday 3 June 2012 4:50

OP could have been widowed twice, you never know!

A100893 30

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Sunday 3 June 2012 5:01

I would be concerned if that was the case, 35.

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Sunday 3 June 2012 5:57

35) widowed and divorced are two very different things.

StoryOfTheYear 13

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Sunday 3 June 2012 6:09

41- Yes, yes they are. The FML doesn't specify though.

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Sunday 3 June 2012 19:28

Third time is the charm eh?

ProfessionalTrol_fml 14

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Monday 4 June 2012 7:44

If the he really divorced 2 times already, then their is probably something wrong with that guy, I'm just saying

littlegreycells 6

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Tuesday 5 June 2012 4:23

41- I am aware of that,but the fml doesn't specify. Op could have just had very bad luck and had both of their previous spouses die.

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Wednesday 27 May 2015 21:55

Maybe it wasn't his fault both times. Maybe his previous wives both cheated on him.

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Sunday 3 June 2012 3:21

Dads always know what to say! :/ sorry about that though

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Sunday 3 June 2012 12:40

Except when they don't. |the kid|

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Sunday 3 June 2012 3:23

Well maybe third time will be the harm.

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Sunday 3 June 2012 3:27

charm*? ... or is there some pun i'm not seeing here.

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Sunday 3 June 2012 9:41

It was a typo not a pun.

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Sunday 3 June 2012 10:50

So by harm you mean 3rd divorce? Or maybe worse! (yes I know it was a typo)

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Sunday 3 June 2012 3:24

Tell her your pops just likes to mess with your wives, err, girlfriends, and to ignore his crazy ramblings.

JayDeLaGhetto 7

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Sunday 3 June 2012 3:25

I hope this wasn't the first time she had heard about your 2 previous marriages.

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Sunday 3 June 2012 4:19

There is also the possibility op's father was lying and in fact that op had never been married before.

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Sunday 3 June 2012 4:26

then op would've said his dad lied about him being divorced twice and to get out while you can

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Sunday 3 June 2012 3:25

Thats a dick move..

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Sunday 3 June 2012 3:29

I hate when people talk about your previous women that died spontaneously while you were married to them... Ohh that's not what you said was it.. This is Akward

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Sunday 3 June 2012 3:36

You had a wife that died of "natural causes" too. Right?

thgiL 9

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Sunday 3 June 2012 5:48

One quite naturally dies when oxygen stops entering the brain. So ya I can say that too.

Nearly

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12

You deserved it 3

Today, I found out my mother listens to my therapy sessions. She’s the reason I need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11

You deserved it 1

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 535

You deserved it 71

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 166

You deserved it 284