Love: Today, I informed my parents that my husband and I are separating... - FML

By Anonymous - 11/08/2011 06:04 - Canada

Today, I informed my parents that my husband and I are separating after much deliberation. We came to this conclusion relatively peacefully. According to my parents, I'm now Satan, and will end up on the streets as a crack whore if we don't change our minds and stay together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 340

You deserved it 4 108

Dementia or hate? You decide

Another great day to be alive

Overreact much?!

By alikat - 26/04/2009 15:13 - United States

Today, I found out that the noise I thought was a mouse in my room was a water bottle shaking when my refrigerator turned on. I stayed up till 4am looking for a mouse that didn't exist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 170

You deserved it 44 474

The pandemic is far from over

By Nico - 01/08/2021 01:01

Today, I have a friend who has consumed almost every known drug in our country, but refuses to get the Covid vaccine, claiming that, "it contains the 5G, and I won't let them control me." FML

I agree, your life sucks 860

You deserved it 125

By Anonymous - 14/09/2018 14:30 - United States - Edinburg

Today, my girlfriend and I hosted a family game night with her grandparents and her father, who was bringing his "friend" who he'd been dating for a couple of weeks. It was my mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 992

You deserved it 202

By Anonymous - 08/01/2016 18:23

Today, I bailed my brother out of jail for violating a restraining order filed against him by his ex. I dropped him off at the place he told me he was staying at. Turned out it was his ex's house, and now he's in jail again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 042

You deserved it 3 531

By Anonymous - 27/03/2012 04:27 - United States - Panama City

Today, my best friend stopped by my house, borrowed a movie, and left. That was the extent of our communication for the day. Today is my birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 112

You deserved it 2 509

By Potato_Lord - 12/11/2015 04:11 - United States - Madison

Today, not only did someone steal my bike, they also managed to get wasted and drunkenly ride my stolen bike through my new screened-in front porch, destroying it and the bike. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 705

You deserved it 1 452

Is that a pass then?

By Anonymous - 12/09/2020 11:01 - Hong Kong - Central District

Today, I had a piano exam, for which I'd worked hard. I went in, and the examiner asked me to play some scales. I was so nervous, I played 3 octaves and then realised I'd ran out of space. I might have then said, "FUCK!" really loudly… and she heard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 860

You deserved it 339

By badhairday - 04/09/2009 20:10 - United States

Today, was a nice day, so I opened the sunroof and all the windows in my car. My hair started flying around and at one point it went out the sunroof. My friends thought it would be funny to close my hair in the sunroof. They laughed until they couldn't open it up again. It short-circuited. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 767

You deserved it 3 395

By Anonymous - 30/06/2011 15:38 - United States

Today, my parents found my stash of alcohol. They drank it all within a single evening. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 682

You deserved it 34 712

Godammit Ursula!

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 23:00 - United States

Today, I found out that my sister has been telling people I’ve been dead for the last 3 months, to cover up the fact she used me to commit identity fraud. We’re identical twins. FML

I agree, your life sucks 973

You deserved it 44

By fatflabbyfail - 20/02/2010 06:09 - United States

Today, after having my bath, I realised that I've gotten so fat that I have to lift up my butt cheeks in order to dry underneath them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 124

You deserved it 42 232

By Talkingbeforethinking - 16/03/2019 18:00

Today in class I accidentally called my teacher very old and almost dead. As we were discussing a book I said that the book character is very old and close to death since it fitted to the context. Turns out this character is one year younger than my teacher and she wasn't amused. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 642

You deserved it 590

The Talk

By Ken - 10/05/2021 20:01 - United Kingdom - Swindon

Today, I asked my 13-year-old son if he thought he was mature enough for a talk about "the birds and the bees." His response was, "They fly, so what? Why would I care?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 460

You deserved it 782

By debodave - 22/07/2009 20:06 - Germany

Today, I phoned one of the IT guys upstairs for help with my PC. He said it would only take a few minutes; and would just fix it through a direct connection from his computer to mine. Hours later; I was feeling devilish, and quickly checked out an adult website. Mr IT Guy was still connected. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 139

You deserved it 68 516

By Anonymous - 02/04/2012 02:25 - United States - Binghamton

Today, while mowing the lawn, I ran over a hornet's nest. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 887

You deserved it 3 415

Official notice

By Anonymous - 01/07/2021 08:01

Today, my daughter wrote a statement refusing to have to look after her brother in the event me and my husband die, then had it made into a legal document by a notary. I love my boy, but he's dumb as a rock and will probably be a lifelong burden to us, so I don’t even blame her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 819

You deserved it 233

By Stellarum - 18/08/2014 15:13 - Mexico - Mexico

Today, I listened to a little girl explain how her scabs taste great with lemon juice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 556

You deserved it 4 216

By Anonymous - 22/03/2013 23:21 - Canada - Oakville

Today, I was feeling a bit insecure about my body, and I told my boyfriend I don't know how he can even stand to have sex with me. He replied, "I know, right?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 323

You deserved it 19 221

Deception

By Anonymous - 07/01/2021 11:01

Today, I found out that my husband, who was supposed to be in PA school, dropped out 6 and a half years ago and never even received his bachelor's. He started lying to me before we were even a year into dating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 994

You deserved it 137

By Bonnie and Clyde - 08/05/2015 02:18 - United States - Humble

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I got busted by a cop for having sex in his car. When the cop sent us on our way, we went home and the garage was open, so we called the cops thinking someone was in the home. No one was in the house, and we got the same cop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 762

You deserved it 9 196

#ForeverAlone

By WithoutLove - 30/08/2011 05:20 - United States

Spicy

Today, I realized the closest thing I have to a love life is organizing my porn folder by category. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 646

You deserved it 32 948

Creepy Uncle Dave

By ScandinaviaBacon - 11/06/2019 20:00

Spicy

Today, I returned from my year-long vacation to Brazil, having lost a lot of weight and feeling better about my self-confidence. When I met my uncle at the airport, I greeted him with a friendly hug. I was greeted by his erection. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 661

You deserved it 200

By malebonding - 17/08/2009 13:50 - United States

Today, I slept in late and when I woke up, thought I was the only one in the house so I decided to walk around the corner to the only upstairs bathroom naked. My dad also slept in, also thought he was the only one in the house, and also decided to walk to the bathroom naked. We collided. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 223

You deserved it 14 874

Panic

By not a cancerous pimple - 31/01/2015 00:11 - United States - Chester Springs

Today, I felt a painful lump on my jaw. After going on Google, I was convinced I either had an infected tooth or jaw cancer. In a panic, I rushed to the dentist and told the receptionist the problem. She pulled the dentist from an appointment, and he felt around my jaw. It was just a pimple. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 294

You deserved it 27 297

By moronforadad - 05/01/2013 02:04 - United Kingdom - Carshalton

Today, during dinner, my mum asked why I've been so upset recently, so I just admitted it was because my girlfriend had cheated on me. At some point during my venting, I asked why this stuff always seems to happen to me. My dad looked up from his plate and said, "Probably karma." FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 738

You deserved it 6 427

By Husband - 13/03/2017 18:00

Spicy

Today, my wife called to me from across the house just to look at the penis-shaped period bloodstain on the back of her underwear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 352

You deserved it 872

Easy

By FootinMouth - 18/07/2013 21:48 - United States - Louisville

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend said she wanted to get a little crazy and try some role-play. "Act like you don't want it," she said. Without thinking, I replied, "Well, that should be easy." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 428

You deserved it 54 507

By EastOneTen - 06/10/2012 07:28 - United States

Today, my four roommates and I contracted lice. While all our heads were slathered in mayonnaise and saran wrap, our building's fire alarm went off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 245

You deserved it 3 498

By Anonymous - 03/05/2009 17:46 - United States

Today, my soccer team got our warm up t-shirts that say "You can hit on us, but you can't score." After the game, a guy behind my friend asks, "Hey what does the front of your shirt say?" I replied for her, "You can hit on us." He looked at me and my friend and said, "No thanks." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 090

You deserved it 11 442

By jami898 - 18/08/2015 04:30 - United States - Medford

Today, I passed out. I fell to the hardwood floor, cut my chin, and bit through my lip. Fortunately, my brother was there to help stop the bleeding and get me some water. All I had to do was wait until he finished his game of Call of Duty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 531

You deserved it 1 837

By Anonymous - 30/08/2015 15:44 - United States

Today, while I was pulling weeds, my dad thought it would be absolutely hilarious to yell "Hey, son!" then unload his gun at me when I turned around. After I'd screamed like a bitch and pissed myself, he broke down into hysterical laughter and said he'd loaded the gun with blanks. Fuck you, dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 427

You deserved it 2 542

By MouseLover.. - 30/09/2016 04:06 - United States

Today, I placed sticky mouse traps in my bedroom. it's now 12:05 a.m. and I've successfully caught a mouse. Too bad I'm scared of them and my husband is passed out asleep. I now get to listen to a mouse squeak all night and have to be up in 4 hours. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 10 744

You deserved it 6 233

By Misspoopypants - 25/07/2017 05:00

Today, I spent the first two hours of my shift cleaning up liquid poo after an elderly lady sat in one of our chairs and promptly let go of her bowels. I was so embarrassed for her that I even bought her a towel, underwear, and a pair of pants. She then thanked one of my coworkers for all the help. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 186

You deserved it 347

By Anonymous - 24/07/2016 06:40 - United States - Huntsville

Today, after a week of my new neighbor constantly yelling in his native language, I finally complained about the noise. Turns out that's just his normal talking voice. Goodbye sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 712

You deserved it 1 142

By helplesslover - 04/10/2009 06:13 - United States

Today, my boyfriend called and said he was stopping by to talk. I didn't understand why he would stop by, so I asked if he was going to break up with me, he said no. Half an hour later, he knocked on my door to break up with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 018

You deserved it 5 727

By boom - 17/03/2011 21:26 - United States

Today, my crush gave me a ride home. When I opened the door to get out, he switched the gear to reverse, thinking the car was in park. I got run over by the car door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 072

You deserved it 3 752

Starved

By Anonymous - 17/08/2021 22:01

Today, I'm so hopelessly lonely that I've agreed to meet up with my ex for some semblance of friendship. FML

I agree, your life sucks 675

You deserved it 195

Cartoon villain

By get tf over it! - 30/06/2020 20:02

Today, I had a Skype interview for a wonderful new job. I was calm, cool and ready to land it. But just like in a bad movie, the interviewer ended up being the creepy guy I turned down repeatedly in high school and in our 20s. He smirked and told me I could continue, but it would be pointless. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 680

You deserved it 653

By drew_ar85 - 20/03/2010 16:30 - United States

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend said, "People think I don't have talent, but I do. I'm really good with my mouth. Just ask anyone." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 944

You deserved it 6 665

By Anonymous - 22/04/2009 17:10 - United States

Today, I was crocheting while watching television, and thinking to myself how proud I was that I taught myself to crochet. Then, an episode of Golden Girls came on, and I watched that while I crocheted. I'm 24. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 811

You deserved it 40 489

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Thursday 11 August 2011 15:50

FYL, your parents are nuts...

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Thursday 11 August 2011 15:50

I see nothing wrong with being Satan.

Comments

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Thursday 11 August 2011 15:50

FYL, your parents are nuts...

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Thursday 11 August 2011 15:53

Oh dear..

AvengedSevenfold_fml_fml 12

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Thursday 11 August 2011 16:08

Time for your parents to go into an insane asylum :D

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Thursday 11 August 2011 16:12

May I sell you my soul? I would like to trade it in for a new coked up hooker. Thanks. P.S. Big fan of your work at Xmas. This is Santa right? oh... shi....

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Thursday 11 August 2011 16:30

crack whore < marriage

Iamnotmyself 17

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Thursday 11 August 2011 16:41

Another argument for abortion we have here aye?

getthepunchline 0

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Thursday 11 August 2011 16:42

if u become a crack whore u can hang out with charlie sheen

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Thursday 11 August 2011 16:51

Time to start training to be a whore then :)

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Thursday 11 August 2011 17:17

So? Crack is alot of fun and being a whore means getting paid for sex.. who wouldn't want to have sex for a living and get high all day? Beats arguing with the same person and only having sex with one person for life and paying for and dealing with raising kids and cleaning up after them and wiping their asses!

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Thursday 11 August 2011 17:36

Did they kick you out using crucifixes?

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Thursday 11 August 2011 17:43

1 that depends why are they getting a divorce.

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Thursday 11 August 2011 18:04

43 is winning.

sadistmonkey 19

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Thursday 11 August 2011 18:15

Iamnotmyself - you can't abort your parents

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Thursday 11 August 2011 19:10

its because you live in Canada.

Iamnotmyself 17

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Thursday 11 August 2011 22:24

-61 You obviously haven't heard of a shotgun

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Friday 12 August 2011 11:03

iamnotmyself one: you are hilarious two: I read a while back on your profile you were wanting to have an active something on FML. KEEP IT UP :D

SecretlyEvil9792 22

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Friday 12 August 2011 12:48

They sound like they might be very religious with marriage being the most important thing ever. My parents made me be in a religion like that. Couldn't even have a boyfriend till I was 18.

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Thursday 11 August 2011 15:50

First

FreakenJewtastic 0

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Thursday 11 August 2011 15:51

fail.

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Thursday 11 August 2011 15:50

I see nothing wrong with being Satan.

flockz 19

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Thursday 11 August 2011 16:22

you would just be flaming and horny.

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Thursday 11 August 2011 16:26

you could easily find a new man that way

Iamnotmyself 17

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Thursday 11 August 2011 17:57

-3 The seven princes of hell shall rise again! Hail Satan!

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Thursday 11 August 2011 19:09

Don't feel like satan but I am to them

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Thursday 11 August 2011 19:16

You would be jolly and fat. It's not natural.

SecretlyEvil9792 22

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Friday 12 August 2011 12:46

My nickname in highschool was Satan. It's awesome.

SecretlyEvil9792 22

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Friday 12 August 2011 12:50

:)

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Friday 9 December 2011 16:06

My nickname in high school IS Satan haha. Could be my metal music, death metal growls, or pentagrams. I see nothing wrong with either

tastymonsterkake 0

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Thursday 22 December 2011 4:31

I see no problem with any of those things(: heavy metal is kinda seriously the shit(:

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Thursday 11 August 2011 15:50

slap a hoe

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Thursday 11 August 2011 19:12

hah you got moderated! sucker!!

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Thursday 11 August 2011 15:50

Well, shit happens, I hope you like being a whore

Black_Letter 19

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Thursday 11 August 2011 15:53

It could be worse. At least you're still healthy and now single :)

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Thursday 11 August 2011 16:58

Not according to OPs parents.

DeathBunny218 36

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Thursday 11 August 2011 15:53

That fear is probably the only reason they are together. If you really don't want to stay together please don't, you do not want to end up like them!

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Thursday 11 August 2011 15:54

That is where I would slap them, espicially if OP is Christian or Jewish.

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Thursday 11 August 2011 15:57

And why can't Op be a cocaine ninja those are much cooler!

RedPillSucks 31

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Thursday 11 August 2011 18:18

Why would it matter what religion they are? The basics of keeping a marriage together is fundamental in most (major) religions, especially the Abrahamic (Christian, Hebrew, Muslim) religions.

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Friday 12 August 2011 6:59

You forgot to take their purse

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Thursday 11 August 2011 15:54

They just don't see how sad this world is now... It must suck hearing their daughter is going thru a divorce

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Thursday 11 August 2011 15:55

mommy knows best.

Random_Person88 8

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Thursday 11 August 2011 17:14

In this case mommy knows nothing.

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10

You deserved it 7

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I’ve been single and lonely for so long, I looked up if it’s possible to marry your hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 161

You deserved it 78

Today, during sex, I was getting close to climax, which is unusual for me due to personal issues. However, I got a piercing headache and had to stop. I later found out my birth control can cause sex headaches and the best way to avoid them is to avoid orgasms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 400

You deserved it 44