Today, I informed my grandparents of my upcoming graduation from... - FML

By Acesup111 - United States

Today, I informed my grandparents of my upcoming graduation from college. My grandma looked at me with tears in her eyes, and told me how proud she was that I was able to make it so far in spite of being autistic. I am not, nor have I ever been autistic. FML

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Season finale

F*** my overweight life

Optimism

By Anonymous - United States - Pratt

Judgment Day

Today, my fiancé and I are house-sitting for my future in-laws for the next 3 weeks. They left a bible in both bedrooms, along with printouts of an article denouncing the "sin" of premarital sex. They're such complete whack-jobs, I wouldn't be surprised if they've set up hidden cameras everywhere too. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my manager cussed me out for being unable to keep a customer happy. That "customer" was a senile old twit who had wandered away from his carer, thought our shop was his living room, and demanded to know who replaced all his furniture. FML

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By ellinor - Sweden

Today, I was walking outside when I saw my best friend about 100 meters away. I began running towards her, arms flailing, screaming out a tribal battle cry. It wasn't until I was nearly on top of her that I realised it was someone else. FML

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By sparky83000 - Canada

Today, at work on a construction site, my coworker dropped a small piece of metal from 4 stories, and it struck another worker. We quickly began to climb down to see if the person was OK, and the same coworker dropped a metal pole, and crushed my hand, two minutes after the first accident. FML

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By Shamu - United States

Today, I was talking to my parents about feeling insecure with my "beach body" as Spring Break keeps getting closer and closer. My dad warned me by saying, "Don't wear a gray swimsuit. People will try to roll you back into the ocean". FML

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By gottacatchemall - United States

Today, I tried to lose my virginity to my boyfriend of a year. We're almost twenty. In the end, we both chickened out and played Pokémon instead. FML

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By pinchy - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me he was taking me out to eat to his favorite restaurant. He said I could order whatever I wanted and he'd pay for it. He took me to Red Lobster, knowing full well that I'm allergic to seafood. FML

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By brsoxgirl - United States

Today, I learned why my boyfriend of 10 months and I never hang out at his place. He still lives at home with his mother. He's 38. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Detroit

Today, I finally started my first job. I also lost it, for being too "enthusiastic" and making my fellow employees look lazy. FML

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By shilpajayseanfan - Canada

Today, I drove into my school. Literally drove into my school. FML

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By lonely - United States

Today, I posted an event to have a get together with friends. Most of them put "not attending". I hadn't even set the date. FML

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By Scapegoat

Today, I found out that while I was at college, my brother downloaded three terabytes of porn on my laptop and blamed it on me. My parents believed him. FML

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By Zxz - Canada

Today, the power was out. I tried to explain to my boyfriend that he wouldn't be able to watch any TV until the power came back on. His response was, "But we have Netflix." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Preston

Today, I had an upset stomach all day at work. When lunch break came, I rushed to the bathroom. Just as I turned into an unstoppable human whoopie cushion, a co-worker walked in. He heard the entire arse symphony, and just asked "What the fuck, dude?!" as he left. FML

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By cancerfreak - United States

Today, my town had a carnival to raise money for cancer. I ran a kissing booth, when a really cute guy came up paid his $20, looked at me, and said "not even for cancer." He took his money and left. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I noticed a young child wandering out onto a busy street. I managed to grab his arm just as he stepped off the sidewalk and yank him away from almost certain death. My reward was his mother, who was on her cell phone the whole time, screaming at me for touching her child. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Doylestown

Today, my dad stopped me mid-sentence and said he wanted to punch me in the face and set me on fire for using the word "selfie". FML

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By seamonkeys - United States

Today, a pregnant friend who is due in 2 weeks posted a picture of a baby on Facebook. I commented congratulations. She's still pregnant. It was a picture of her baby who died 3 years ago. FML

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By Jaybird1587 - United States

Today, I was just about to get in the shower, when I heard a loud crunch. I thought to myself, boy the neighbours next door must be doing some heavy construction. Two seconds after that thought, my brother knocked on the door to inform me that the neighbours tree had just fallen on my car. FML

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By unknown - United States

Today, I went to a concert with my boyfriend. I was repeatedly ass-grabbed, grinded on and hit on by guys. My boyfriend's response was, "As long as they continue to bring you free beer, let them get a little feel of what they are paying for." FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands - Delft

Today, I had a job interview, for which I spent hours preparing. My interviewer was nothing more than a pimple-faced teen, and after only two minutes of reviewing my qualifications, he lost interest and started asking such questions as which Hogwarts house is my favorite. FML

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By faux ma - United States - Winter Park

Today, I told the hairdresser that my kid had cut my hair. I don't have kids. I was just really drunk. FML

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By poormanslucyliu1

Today, I had to teach my 13-year-old sister that sugar and salt don't, "cancel each other out to make the taste neutral". FML

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By Chase

Today, I turned 21 and had a huge party because I could finally drink legally. Got arrested for public intoxication. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my husband ate several slices of pizza and one whole ghost pepper. He then threw up all over the living room, hallway, and pile of dirty clothes in the bathroom before going directly to bed. I had to clean it up. FML

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By 16590 - Sweden

Today, while I was driving home, some jackass in an open-top sports car overtook us and flipped me off. Just as I overtook him in turn, my wife rolled down her window, pulled out her tampon, and launched it at the kid. I'm not sure who was more horrified: me or him. FML

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By Anonymous

You snooze, you lose

Today, I got turned down by the person who has been wanting to date me for five months. FML

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By Badlucked - Canada - Montr?al

Today, I spent almost an hour cleaning and scrubbing the inside of my fridge. Just when I'd finished putting everything back inside, I tipped over the open milk carton. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, in physics class, my teacher was messing around with an air cannon and I accidentally blurted out, "Blow me!" It took me all of 5 seconds to realize why everyone was laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/11/2020 23:03

Thanks for the heads up

Today, a person who I've been talking to for months told me they were in a relationship with someone else. I work with this person and see them almost everyday. To top it off, they told me this over text. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my manager gave me hell for leaving the restaurant early yesterday. Guilty as charged, but only because I was rushed to the hospital after going into diabetic shock. This assmunch is convinced that I either faked it all to get off work early, or that I'd been eating our own stock. FML

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By MJensen - Denmark - Herlev

Today, I wanted to be nice to my boyfriend and buy him a cake. Not only did I drop it in the bus, when I got home I forgot that I'd put it on my bed, and sat on it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got excited because I found Monsters University and The Croods online, neither of which I've seen. I'm 33, single, and it's Saturday night. FML

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By Anonymous

Triage

Today, while at my job as a nurse in the ER, someone came in with a hangnail. They threw a fit that they had to wait because we were managing a heart attack, a man with colon cancer and a kid with appendicitis. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Sioux City

Today, I had a babysitting job. When I got there, the parents were rushing out the door and told me they'd left instructions for the kids on the table. The first bullet point stated that the oldest was convinced she is possessed by the devil, but just to ignore it. Three more hours to go. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the ER after a fall. Before the nurse did an X-Ray, she gave me a pregnancy test. It came back negative. I joked "No martians have crawled into my uterus, then?" She didn't get it, and I had my head scanned for brain trauma. Never crack a joke in a hospital. FML

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By childhoodupinsmoke - United States - Austin

Today, I realized that the comforting, unique scent of my mother in my childhood was actually the smell of the marijuana she smokes. FML

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By published_anthropologist - United States

Today, my girlfriend of eight years explained to me that the Egyptian pyramids were built by aliens from Mars. I have a B.S. in Biology and an M.S. in Anthropology, and I am working on my Ph.D. She thinks I'm an irrational idiot for telling her she is wrong. FML

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By angelamegan21 - United States - Port Saint Lucie

Today, I burned my left breast with hot oil at work. Everyone's now calling me "toaster strudel" and singing "This girl is on fire" every time we cross paths. FML

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By ThatsIncentive - United States - Granite Bay

Today, I stooped to pick up an earring back off the ground. It was actually a spider. FML

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Top comments

By Ariasmake_1 | 0

#2140804 - Wednesday 2 March 2011 11:59

your grandma rules! how awkward are you that your grandma thinks you're autistic ?

By jhjbnnj | 0

#2140817 - Wednesday 2 March 2011 12:04

maybe that's just her way of telling you you're her special little boy ;)

COMMENTS

By banz28 | 0

#2140798 - Wednesday 2 March 2011 11:56

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

iBanana | 17

#2141016 - Wednesday 2 March 2011 13:27

Maybe they know something you don't?

Reply

Sadochan | 0

#2141098 - Wednesday 2 March 2011 13:59

Same here.

Reply

PeteyPablo12308 | 20

#2141337 - Wednesday 2 March 2011 15:17

Same here.

Reply

zinoxity | 23

#2141741 - Wednesday 2 March 2011 17:30

1 - I read this. Big whoop.

Reply

mr_miyagi | 0

#2144715 - Thursday 3 March 2011 9:06

i read it more. bigger whoop

Reply

Temi25 | 6

#2148007 - Friday 4 March 2011 1:54

maybe ur grandma has alzhiemerzas

By ScaughtieHolden | 11

#2140801 - Wednesday 2 March 2011 11:56

*nor have I ever been autistic.

Reply

Blazingcrono | 6

#2140864 - Wednesday 2 March 2011 12:20

It's correct in its usage. Don't question the OP >:|

Reply

instnt1nfction | 17

#2141030 - Wednesday 2 March 2011 13:38

that wasn't a question and they moderated the fml after he commented

Reply

Jay1D | 0

#2141038 - Wednesday 2 March 2011 13:40

I don't get how someone ca just loss there autism...

Reply

ChrisLTC | 3

#2141059 - Wednesday 2 March 2011 13:46

#2 do you like Justin Bieber by any chance?

Reply

RobbieD95 | 0

#2141339 - Wednesday 2 March 2011 15:17

#45 Why would you think that?

Reply

Giana4598 | 0

#2141388 - Wednesday 2 March 2011 15:32

#14 XD lol

Reply

sloppyflow | 1

#2141719 - Wednesday 2 March 2011 17:17

#2 ur like Ron weasley from Harry potter + Justin bieber

Reply

wlaaf | 0

#2143766 - Thursday 3 March 2011 4:54

omgg stop it with the freaken corrections! seriously people who need to correct every little things are so annoying!

Reply

countryboyj17 | 0

#2144093 - Thursday 3 March 2011 6:24

omg* thing*

Reply

Lustuu_fml | 14

#2144783 - Thursday 3 March 2011 9:39

#120 +1
#2 +1

Reply

lolitaababy | 0

#2145037 - Thursday 3 March 2011 11:38

#45 I thought that was a picture of Justin beiber >_<

hahahahah #14 ^__^

Reply

nervewurrba | 0

#2700629 - Friday 17 June 2011 8:55

ehh grammar nazi :P

By FallonFerSure | 6

#2140802 - Wednesday 2 March 2011 12:00

lmao!!!

Reply

urdirtyolduncle | 15

#2143784 - Thursday 3 March 2011 4:58

So, I guess OP's just a regular retard?

By Ariasmake_1 | 0

#2140804 - Wednesday 2 March 2011 11:59

your grandma rules! how awkward are you that your grandma thinks you're autistic ?

Reply

Chrispywind | 0

#2141196 - Wednesday 2 March 2011 14:34

now OP can use this pretend autism to make there grand parents buy them expensive gifts!

Reply

T3P33_fml | 0

#2141430 - Wednesday 2 March 2011 15:47

"look granny, I spelled my name right! can I have 50 bucks?"

Reply

clicketyclick | 9

#2144441 - Thursday 3 March 2011 8:08

Autistic doesn't = stupid.

By insanesna1l | 0

#2140813 - Wednesday 2 March 2011 12:02

you're special :-)

By jhjbnnj | 0

#2140817 - Wednesday 2 March 2011 12:04

maybe that's just her way of telling you you're her special little boy ;)

By x_Cupcakes | 0

#2140822 - Wednesday 2 March 2011 12:06

Wow.

By locachick101 | 0

#2140826 - Wednesday 2 March 2011 12:07

haha that's funny but hey at least your going to college right and don't worry your grandma is old lol

By chili_is_good | 0

#2140828 - Wednesday 2 March 2011 12:08

I am lost for words...

By juliaaalove | 8

#2140839 - Wednesday 2 March 2011 12:11

mm

Reply

MaximilianMarche | 0

#2141859 - Wednesday 2 March 2011 18:12

haha. it looks like u have half a retard in your pic lol

Reply

mwjessica | 0

#2156037 - Sunday 6 March 2011 17:42

Lol.