Miscellaneous: Today, I informed my grandparents of my upcoming graduation from... - FML

By Acesup111 - United States

Today, I informed my grandparents of my upcoming graduation from college. My grandma looked at me with tears in her eyes, and told me how proud she was that I was able to make it so far in spite of being autistic. I am not, nor have I ever been autistic. FML

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Rock, hard place

Out of it

She'll learn

By Betsydoll - United States

Today, after a tiff with my boyfriend, I said to him, "You could at least PRETEND to love me sometimes." He responded with, "I do pretend to love you!" FML

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By cheekymonkey97

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend whilst straddled on top of him. He started to undo my bra. I was fine with this but he stopped kissing me and looked at me with a slight smile. He then said, "I know this is going to kill the mood... but I feel like I could milk your boobs right now" FML

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By Australian Lifeguard - United States - Scottsdale

Today, I was giving lifeguard instructions to a couple of teens. When I quizzed them about what they should do when someone is choking, one of them said, "Take a step back" and winked at me. FML

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By minnie - Australia

How would that work?

Today, my fiancée suggested a 'Back To The Future' - themed wedding. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my 16-year-old cousin told me she was "late." When I asked if she could be pregnant, she said no, because, "you can't get pregnant the first time you have sex." I ended up having to give her the sex talk. FML

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By oops - United States

Today, I saw a moth trapped in a spider web. Feeling gracious, I gently freed it, and then took it to the window to let it out. When I opened the window to set him free, my $300 air conditioner fell two stories and smashed on the sidewalk. The moth flew away. FML

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By Secretisout - United States

Today, I found out where all my expensive bras and panties have been disappearing to. Apparently, while I'm at work, my fifteen year-old son's girlfriend has been stealing them after they have sex in my bed. FML

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By Embarassed - United States

Today, while at a school anti-drugs assembly, the speaker asked everyone to stand up if they knew someone who had died of an overdose. As I stood up, my friend hit me in the side, making me laugh. I stood frozen under accusing glares while the speaker bitched me out for a good 5 minutes. FML

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By dripping sink - United States

Today, I was getting ready to go out when I noticed that after several months of annoyance, the faucet stopped dripping. I started to dance around my bathroom when all of a sudden I slipped and hit my head on the sink. The faucet is dripping again. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/2/2021 16:59

Overcome

Today, I just finished a client meeting. I couldn’t stop stuttering and couldn’t answer their questions. Towards the end, they just ignored me. I’ve been in the job for a year. I’m pretty much in tears now. FML

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By dzisfml - Canada

Today, my friends thought it would be funny to rub Tabasco sauce on my household toilet paper. FML

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By 2234 - United States

Today, I was tossing my car keys into the air and catching them. I threw them up really high, only to have them land in the branches of the palm tree outside my door, at the very top. FML

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By Mightaswelltutordogs - United States - Gainesville

Today, I had to find simple words to explain to the idiot I was tutoring that "1/4" is not of a greater value than "1/3" just because the denominator is bigger. FML

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By Anistoncole - 13/3/2021 20:01

Always check for tits

Today, I was showing why we picked the colour in our posters and ads for my department. I used a video to explain; I hadn't watched the full video. I skipped to halfway through and there was a picture of a naked woman with starfish on her tits. Everyone kinda went silent. FML

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By BodyElectric

Today, I was checking my kitten's neutering stitches when he farted so hard that a stray piece of cat shit shot out and hit me in the eye. FML

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By MaggotMother - United States

Today, I learned what live maggots in chocolate cake taste like. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I bought a brand new huge leather recliner. After laying down and watching football for some time, I sit up and hear a loud shatter. My iPhone was crushed by the mechanics of the chair after it slipped out of my pocket. FML

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By scottyboy

Today, I started packing up the flat I have been renting. As I took a picture off the wall I also ripped half the wallpaper. That's my deposit gone. FML

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By Anonymous - Spain - Valencia

Today, I was driving my 7-year-old daughter to school, when out of nowhere a bird smashed into the windshield. Instead of screaming or being traumatized by the gore like me, my daughter started laughing, eventually calling the bird a "stupid bastard". FML

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By CodeJunky - United States

Today, I found out how far my car can go after the fuel light comes on: All the way to the stoplight before the nearest gas station. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/11/2020 13:58

You dingdong!

Today, I was copying an assignment from my friend and was feeling confident that I was gonna pass. I later found out I copied his name too, so the teacher failed us both. He won't talk to me now. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Noblesville

Today, after getting into bed, I found a used condom under my covers. I asked my roommate about it. She freely admitted that since my bed was comfier than hers, she had sex with her boyfriend on it. FML

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By broke bitch - United States - Hampton

Today, I got a call from my cable company in regards to a bill I didn't pay. I paid the bill two weeks ago in full, but they never told me the account changed when my name was put on the account. So now I owe $170 more, and my ex-roommate is getting a $140 refund in the mail. FML

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By justmyluck - United States

Today, my mom picked me up from school due to me being sick. Afterwards, she took a detour to the DMV, and I waited in the car. I ended up vomiting everywhere, clothes included, and had to sit in the car for three hours while the taste and smells lingered. FML

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By Deaf Dumb & Blonde - United States

Today, it's my birthday. I told my boyfriend I wanted to feel special even if for just one day. He said he would do the laundry for me. FML

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By Oddy - 17/11/2020 05:02 - Italy

Keep your distance

Today, I travelled by myself for the first time. I was seated next to a middle-aged man who was trying to convince me that I was his soulmate, kept touching my face and sniffing me. I'm 19 and it was a 6 hour flight. FML

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By tikizombie - Canada

Today, I went with my family to go see a notoriously creepy abandoned house. We noticed the people had left a lot of stuff behind so we loaded up the car with books, records, etc. As we were leaving, we saw the family who lived there drive up. I robbed a house with my grandma. FML

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By JennaMarie - United States

Today, I was in the car with my husband complaining about the way I look. His response, "Babe, if I cared about the way you looked I wouldnt have married you." FML

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By Burning Love - United States - Phoenix

Today, I went on a date. As I hugged him, I felt tingles. As a big believer in clichés, I thought it was the tingles of falling in love. Turns out, it was my allergic reaction to his cologne. I now look like I burned my face. FML

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By Anonymoosey - Canada

Relax

Today, I found out that my favorite song since I was a small child is actually about anal sex and delaying an orgasm. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, my boss chewed me out for correcting several spelling and grammar mistakes in one of his reports. The words "Think you're so damn smart, don't ya?" were uttered. I'm his secretary, and proofreading his shit is part of my job. FML

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By James - 31/1/2021 11:01

How could you forget?

Today, I realised that my birthday was yesterday. I was so busy with my painting work that I completely forgot. I realised when I got messages from friends in the USA, wishing me a happy birthday. Seriously timezones? FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Markham

Today, my brother finally paid me the $60 he owed me. I later found out that he'd stolen those $60 from my wallet. FML

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By Waterfalls - United States - Carlsbad

Today, I stood up too quickly and got dizzy, so I sat on the edge of the bed to regain my balance. I started dozing off to sleep again, got confused, and peed down the side of my bed thinking I was on the toilet. FML

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By aianmoo16 - United States - Chicago

Today, I was at a mini arcade and accidentally put a hundred dollar bill through the quarter machine. FML

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By Ben Moy - 2/2/2021 07:57 - United States - Wallingford

Once bitten…

Today, after worrying for years about grinding my teeth after various dentists mentioned seeing evidence. Apparently, this worry manifested as subconsciously putting my tongue in the way at night, to the point where I have an open bite at 39 when I never had a problem before. I can't bite through sushi or sandwiches. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after we got home from the doctor's office, my mom checked the voicemail. Loud and clear, we both heard my boyfriend's break-up message. My parents had already forbidden me from dating. FML

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By PsychoSarah - United States

Today, I got fired from my job. I caught a customer taking pictures up my skirt, and my boss fired me for calling the police and "making a big deal out of it". FML

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By mocass’1 - France

Today, in class, I was sitting next to the guy that I fancy. Shyly, I write our initials (L and A) into a heart on his hand to see his reaction. He said, "I love Los Angeles too!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Hollandale

Today, I saw a text message on my husband's phone from a "Candice", asking him if he and his wife are still separated, followed by an invitation to spend the night. I never knew we were separated in the first place. FML

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Top comments

By Ariasmake_1 | 0

#2140804 - Wednesday 2 March 2011 11:59

your grandma rules! how awkward are you that your grandma thinks you're autistic ?

By jhjbnnj | 0

#2140817 - Wednesday 2 March 2011 12:04

maybe that's just her way of telling you you're her special little boy ;)

COMMENTS

By banz28 | 0

#2140798 - Wednesday 2 March 2011 11:56

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

iBanana | 17

#2141016 - Wednesday 2 March 2011 13:27

Maybe they know something you don't?

Reply

Sadochan | 0

#2141098 - Wednesday 2 March 2011 13:59

Same here.

Reply

PeteyPablo12308 | 20

#2141337 - Wednesday 2 March 2011 15:17

Same here.

Reply

zinoxity | 23

#2141741 - Wednesday 2 March 2011 17:30

1 - I read this. Big whoop.

Reply

mr_miyagi | 0

#2144715 - Thursday 3 March 2011 9:06

i read it more. bigger whoop

Reply

Temi25 | 6

#2148007 - Friday 4 March 2011 1:54

maybe ur grandma has alzhiemerzas

By ScaughtieHolden | 11

#2140801 - Wednesday 2 March 2011 11:56

*nor have I ever been autistic.

Reply

Blazingcrono | 6

#2140864 - Wednesday 2 March 2011 12:20

It's correct in its usage. Don't question the OP >:|

Reply

instnt1nfction | 17

#2141030 - Wednesday 2 March 2011 13:38

that wasn't a question and they moderated the fml after he commented

Reply

Jay1D | 0

#2141038 - Wednesday 2 March 2011 13:40

I don't get how someone ca just loss there autism...

Reply

ChrisLTC | 3

#2141059 - Wednesday 2 March 2011 13:46

#2 do you like Justin Bieber by any chance?

Reply

RobbieD95 | 0

#2141339 - Wednesday 2 March 2011 15:17

#45 Why would you think that?

Reply

Giana4598 | 0

#2141388 - Wednesday 2 March 2011 15:32

#14 XD lol

Reply

sloppyflow | 1

#2141719 - Wednesday 2 March 2011 17:17

#2 ur like Ron weasley from Harry potter + Justin bieber

Reply

wlaaf | 0

#2143766 - Thursday 3 March 2011 4:54

omgg stop it with the freaken corrections! seriously people who need to correct every little things are so annoying!

Reply

countryboyj17 | 0

#2144093 - Thursday 3 March 2011 6:24

omg* thing*

Reply

Lustuu_fml | 14

#2144783 - Thursday 3 March 2011 9:39

#120 +1
#2 +1

Reply

lolitaababy | 0

#2145037 - Thursday 3 March 2011 11:38

#45 I thought that was a picture of Justin beiber >_<

hahahahah #14 ^__^

Reply

nervewurrba | 0

#2700629 - Friday 17 June 2011 8:55

ehh grammar nazi :P

By FallonFerSure | 6

#2140802 - Wednesday 2 March 2011 12:00

lmao!!!

Reply

urdirtyolduncle | 15

#2143784 - Thursday 3 March 2011 4:58

So, I guess OP's just a regular retard?

By Ariasmake_1 | 0

#2140804 - Wednesday 2 March 2011 11:59

your grandma rules! how awkward are you that your grandma thinks you're autistic ?

Reply

Chrispywind | 0

#2141196 - Wednesday 2 March 2011 14:34

now OP can use this pretend autism to make there grand parents buy them expensive gifts!

Reply

T3P33_fml | 0

#2141430 - Wednesday 2 March 2011 15:47

"look granny, I spelled my name right! can I have 50 bucks?"

Reply

clicketyclick | 9

#2144441 - Thursday 3 March 2011 8:08

Autistic doesn't = stupid.

By insanesna1l | 0

#2140813 - Wednesday 2 March 2011 12:02

you're special :-)

By jhjbnnj | 0

#2140817 - Wednesday 2 March 2011 12:04

maybe that's just her way of telling you you're her special little boy ;)

By x_Cupcakes | 0

#2140822 - Wednesday 2 March 2011 12:06

Wow.

By locachick101 | 0

#2140826 - Wednesday 2 March 2011 12:07

haha that's funny but hey at least your going to college right and don't worry your grandma is old lol

By chili_is_good | 0

#2140828 - Wednesday 2 March 2011 12:08

I am lost for words...

By juliaaalove | 8

#2140839 - Wednesday 2 March 2011 12:11

mm

Reply

MaximilianMarche | 0

#2141859 - Wednesday 2 March 2011 18:12

haha. it looks like u have half a retard in your pic lol

Reply

mwjessica | 0

#2156037 - Sunday 6 March 2011 17:42

Lol.