Today, I helped an elderly woman carry her suitcase down a flight... - FML

By gooddeedgonebad - 26/5/2013 09:19 - Australia - Upper Swan

Today, I helped an elderly woman carry her suitcase down a flight of stairs. When I got to the bottom, a man tackled me to the ground thinking I was stealing the woman's luggage. As I lay in pain, he ran up the stairs to return the suitcase and the poor woman had to carry it down on her own. FML

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Messed up

Billy no-mates

Basic Instinct

By Sally - 24/8/2018 22:00

Today, after cleaning my house, I decided to treat myself with a glass of wine. I poured the wine, set it down, and came back just in time to see my cat push it off the table. I then yelled at her, which scared her so much she pissed on the carpet. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/7/2009 07:07 - United States

Today, I had an important powerpoint presentation for ALL the big execs at work. It seems that during my lunch break, my boyfriend IMed me on my mac saying "Feeling so horny right now, come home for a quicky like last week?" I didn't see it until the presentation. So did the executives. FML

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By brinn - 16/9/2011 05:15 - United States

Today, I told my husband that I wanted him to stay sober during the week. He responded by saying he wanted me to be a supermodel during the week. FML

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By squishyboy - 26/5/2009 08:23 - New Zealand

Today, I weighed myself for the first time in a while and confirmed that I have put on a few pounds. I was feeling a bit down about it. I went to work and on arriving a workmate I hadn't seen in a while gave me a hug. She said, 'I love hugging you, you're so nice and squishy.' FML

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By Fefe - 13/7/2010 02:43 - United States

Today, tired of my social anxiety making me look uncool, I told everyone I was going out partying tonight. I'm actually just going to watch 'Jersey Shore' and pretend I'm with the cast. Something even more sad? I'm really excited. FML

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By hopeless cluts - 29/1/2012 07:36 - Canada

Today, as I was crossing the slush covered street to catch the bus, I slipped and fell right in the middle of the road. A woman in a car rolled down her window. She didn't ask if I was okay but just laughed and took a picture of me covered in cold, wet slush. FML

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By DebitDebacle - 15/7/2018 19:00

Today, after my bank sent me a new card because the old one had been compromised, I woke up to find that it's already been used to start an Amazon Prime account and order several movies. The card to replace a compromised card has been compromised. FML

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By AnonCat - 21/1/2013 01:47 - Canada - Vegreville

Today, my kitten tried jumping into a hot oven, a dryer, a dishwasher, a toilet, and a fish-tank. Curiosity is going to kill my cat. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/1/2017 20:00

Today, I was pumping the tire of my bicycle indoors, and suddenly the inner tube exploded next to my head. One ear is now ringing and the other one feels like it's bleeding. FML

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By Mike - 16/10/2012 08:07 - United States

Today, I got a call from my son's school saying to pick him up because he'd shat his pants. He's in high school. FML

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By fuck you walmart - 26/4/2013 22:03 - United States

Today, at work, I was screamed at and slapped by a woman for supposedly violating her 2nd Amendment rights. In reality, I'd simply turned her away from the 10 items or less line because she had well over the allowed number of items. I've no fucking idea what's wrong with some people. FML

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By greenblue90 - 14/6/2010 13:50 - United States

Today, my husband purposefully said something to upset me. When I asked why he would do that, he told me it was to test my Prozac. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/11/2015 05:25 - United States

Today, I went on my first date in six years. The guy was unbelievably creepy, and I couldn't wait for it to be over. Right after we finished eating, he told me he loved me, then tried to lean in for a kiss. He looked like he was going to cry when I turned him down. FML

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By Insomniac - 28/7/2012 09:56 - United States - Wasilla

Today, after rolling my car on the highway, I witnessed several people stop and get out of their cars to take pictures. No one asked if I was okay, and I was the one who had to call 911 for myself. FML

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By So I can go now then? - 9/2/2019 20:00

Today, I got fired from a job I had already resigned from after agreeing to stay on and help them out for an extra month, despite having no contract. They fired me because a colleague refused to work with me anymore because I wouldn't date him. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/5/2013 05:15 - United States

Today, my parents scoured my browser history, certain that I have a hidden Facebook account that I'm using to get up to no good. Their reasoning was that there's no way my only friends are my relatives and that all I can post about is about the weather. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/12/2015 05:29 - Australia - Perth

Today, while working as a barista, a customer asked me for "gluten free milk". When I told her that most milk is gluten free, she flew into a fit of rage and cussed me out for being a "cheeky bitch". My manager then lectured me about not being "patronising" to customers. FML

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By knolan - 20/7/2011 04:40 - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend has checked every girl he has ever slept with for 'vagina teeth'. I'm apparently no exception. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/2/2014 01:31 - United States

Today, I was out with my girlfriend at a club. As a slow dance began, a guy approached and asked, "May I cut in?" My girlfriend surprised me by saying, "Sure!" As I was about to protest, the guy cut me off and said, "Sorry miss, I was asking him." FML

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By Anonymous - 16/12/2012 00:06 - United Kingdom - London

Today, on the way out to buy groceries, my boyfriend asked if I'd like him to buy some of my favourite flowers. Happy with his rare show of affection, I said yes. When he returned, he gave me a bag of our usual brand of flour and laughed hysterically in my face. FML

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By HSPARKS - 12/5/2020 05:00

Big baby man

Today, I woke up to my apartment in a state of total disarray. I've been asking my boyfriend to get either get a job, or clean the house. I just had a bunch of dental work taken care of. He doesn't have a job, and doesn't want to find one. I'm tired of trying to raise an already grown man. FML

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By btg - 6/2/2010 06:27 - United States

Today, I found out that my girlfriend feeds her boogers to our dog. Sometimes she even makes her do tricks for them. FML

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By Charles - 22/2/2009 15:10 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend told me she wanted me to be her first and last...with plenty of people in between. FML

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By OhPleaseNo - 7/4/2020 14:00 - OhPleaseNo

We could be heroes

Today, I was at work at my local hospital. I went to the toilet to empty my bladder; the door was half open so I assumed it was empty. Upon opening the door, I was greeted with a half naked old man, who then yelled at me and violently shat himself, all over the walls and floor. FML

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By itwasajoke - 25/12/2016 21:23

Today, I ran into an old friend for whom I used to have feelings. I hadn't seen her in years, so I thought it would be funny if I went up to her and said, "Hey, you look familiar, do I know you?" She thought I had really forgotten her and burst into tears. FML

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By cedechan - 29/9/2012 04:08 - United States - Tucson

Today, I got food poisoning at work. I had my head in the toilet when the auto flush decided to turn on. The force of the flush was so powerful half of what I threw up splashed back into my face. FML

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By Skazzy3 - 14/1/2015 22:04

Today, I got banned from my school library after I ran after a guy who stole my bag. FML

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By Toasted - 29/4/2019 20:00

Shocking!

Today, in an attempt to be frugal, I tried to repair my own sometimes-faulty toaster. Turns out I unplugged the wrong kitchen appliance, which I only discovered by electrocuting myself while pulling it apart. Now it's definitely broken, will need replacing, and I have a burn. FML

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By meow - 14/1/2010 04:27 - United States

Today, my boyfriend informed me that sharing a bed with me was like sleeping with a seizing cat. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/2/2017 22:00 - United States - Greensburg

Today, I was on my way to college when I got in a car wreck with none other than my professor. My car was totaled and couldn't drive, but his could so I missed class, but he still made it. The end result? He marked me as an "unexcused absence" and gave me a zero. The accident was his fault. FML

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By SeriouslyDad - 22/9/2013 13:57 - United States - Waxhaw

Today, my dad and I had a yelling match about me "lying", because I was unable to contact iTunes support without a phone number. To prove a point, he went online to find the phone number. It's been an hour and he's still searching for the number. I can't leave the table until he has found it. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/7/2012 20:10 - Nigeria - Lagos

Today, my dad was making coffee for the family. Half-way through, he excused himself to the bathroom, so for a laugh, I discreetly poured a load of salt into his drink. When he served us, I drank a mouthful and doubled over hacking. My dad barked, "I wasn't born yesterday, son." FML

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By ScrewedForCheapBag - 14/3/2013 08:52 - United States - Sacramento

Today, my car got broken into. A small folded plastic bag and a few toothpicks I got from a restaurant were stolen. It's going to cost me a few hundred bucks to fix and clean my car over a 10 cent bag and a few free toothpicks. FML

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By gonkc - 4/3/2009 07:05 - United States

Today, to remind myself to write a check for my speech and debate team (Lynbrook Speech and Debate), I wrote "LSD money" on the back of my hand. The Vice Principal saw it, dragged me to the office, and called my parents. FML

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By Live Sweet - 25/4/2013 05:33

Today, I finally hooked up with the guy that I have been in love with forever. If there is such a thing as soul mates, this guy is it. He's my best friend in the whole world. It was the worst sex I have ever had. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/4/2014 15:35 - United Kingdom - Montrose

Today, I got my car cleaned. As I drove home, the passenger of the van in front of me vomited out the window. The vomit sailed back and splattered all over the front of my car. A waste of £10 and a mental image that will never go away. FML

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By ScaredDad - 2/5/2019 12:00

Today, I needed to grab something from the garage. As soon as the door closed, I heard a little click sound. My one-year-old seems to have figured out the door lock. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/6/2014 18:20 - United States - Fresno

Today, I found out I have genital herpes. I'm a virgin. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/2/2012 17:45

Today, I was attacked by a bird at 3 in the morning. The bird was being attacked by an owl, and decided the safest place to land wasn't in a tree, but my face. No-one will believe me, despite the 12 stitches across my face. FML

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By BadtoWorse - 23/3/2010 14:51 - United States

Today, after thinking I smelled the aroma of stale alcohol, I asked my husband, who is a recovering alcoholic, if he has been completely honest with me about all that he has been doing. Bracing myself to hear about his fall off the wagon, I instead heard a confession of adultery. FML

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Top comments

By Welshite | 39

#5507631 - Sunday 26 May 2013 16:16

Don't even attempt to help her cross the road then. You may not live through the experience.

By Ace132 | 20

#5507633 - Sunday 26 May 2013 16:17

No good deed goes unpunished..

COMMENTS

By Welshite | 39

#5507631 - Sunday 26 May 2013 16:16

Don't even attempt to help her cross the road then. You may not live through the experience.

Reply

Jemm_fml | 29

#5507700 - Sunday 26 May 2013 17:25

ULTRA EXTREME COMMUNITY SERVICE SPORTS

By chandlerbelacic | 17

#5507632 - Sunday 26 May 2013 16:16

Well, I feel bad for the woman, but it was good exercise for you and the man that tackled you! FYL indeed

By Ace132 | 20

#5507633 - Sunday 26 May 2013 16:17

No good deed goes unpunished..

Reply

packrat | 26

#5507648 - Sunday 26 May 2013 16:23

Damn you. Great minds huh?

Reply

ColdplaySucks | 18

#5507699 - Sunday 26 May 2013 17:24

Thats why I don't do good deeds.

Reply

Freethaawave | 19

#5507751 - Sunday 26 May 2013 18:25

Meanie ^

Reply

Roskie | 16

#5508012 - Sunday 26 May 2013 22:44

Killjoy^

Reply

kaitlynjane | 28

#5508398 - Monday 27 May 2013 5:31

#64, your profile picture is awesome :)

Reply

Kc1001 | 14

#5535136 - Friday 14 June 2013 23:17

'Tis true. I am one of the best and nicest workers in to program that I work in and now I have a shoulder injury that will never heal. nor stop hurting.

By packrat | 26

#5507634 - Sunday 26 May 2013 16:17

No good deed goes unpunished.

Reply

mario2012 | 18

#5507674 - Sunday 26 May 2013 16:47

There must be a glitch in the matrix because I'm having dé ja vu.

Reply

29dear | 16

#5507925 - Sunday 26 May 2013 20:41

hahaha me too. and I'm surprised the second one hasn't been buried.

Reply

False_Stupidity | 41

#5508031 - Sunday 26 May 2013 23:20

Probably because its a good comment and people can see they were both posted at the same time.

Reply

packrat | 26

#5508503 - Monday 27 May 2013 7:23

56, that makes two of us. :)

By Pleonasm | 34

#5507638 - Sunday 26 May 2013 16:20

Wonder how many "no good deed goes unpunished" comments we're going to get here.

Reply

lilhellian | 26

#5507640 - Sunday 26 May 2013 16:21

There's two just before you.

Reply

chowE_fml | 4

#5507812 - Sunday 26 May 2013 18:59

No Good Samaritan goes un-tackled.

Reply

gc327072 | 29

#5507851 - Sunday 26 May 2013 19:32

No good Pleonasm thread goes
un-pun-ished.

Reply

Lawlsacopter | 6

#5507968 - Sunday 26 May 2013 21:30

No good deed goes unfurnished

Reply

gribbles | 12

#5508232 - Monday 27 May 2013 3:43

No good feed goes unfed.

By cherries62212 | 16

#5507639 - Sunday 26 May 2013 16:20

hey. at least you tried. now get back up... and help another little old lady! if you fail three times tho... just stop trying. good luck OP:)

By mattlw | 25

#5507642 - Sunday 26 May 2013 16:21

Sounds like you were in the wrong place at the wrong time OP. FYL

By RocketNinjaFish | 12

#5507649 - Sunday 26 May 2013 16:24

At least he had good intentions, OP. It was just a misunderstanding.
You did the right thing, that's all that matters :)

Reply

iMuffinKat | 16

#6532412 - Tuesday 9 February 2016 8:14

Yeah...but why would he carry it back up to the old lady so she could carry it down herself again? What?

By Welshite | 39

#5507650 - Sunday 26 May 2013 16:25

OP: I'm going to help her!
Man: No, I am!
Old Lady: I just want to reach the sidewalk *cries*
Man: Now look what you've done.
OP: DIE, Good Samaritan! *tosses him down the stairs*

I want to see this happen.

By FitForFun | 11

#5507652 - Sunday 26 May 2013 16:26

It makes me wonder when we have gotten to the point that good intentions are so far and in-between that we don't even trust people that could be doing them.

Reply

29dear | 16

#5507927 - Sunday 26 May 2013 20:43

I know. it's sad but I wouldn't let someone else carry my luggage. I'm not a little old lady, but still.

Reply

jem970 | 19

#5508401 - Monday 27 May 2013 5:34

Yeah it's like that banking commercial where they have 50,000 dollars in a suit case and give it to a complete stranger for them to watch while they run and do something. I'm like there is no way! I don't even trust someone to hold my water let alone anything important.