Love: Today, I held hands with the boy I like. Without thinking, I...

By Anonymous - 13/03/2013 04:57 - United States - Blue Springs

Today, I held hands with the boy I like. Without thinking, I commented that his right hand is softer, as if he only used lotion on that one hand. And then we stood there in terribly awkward silence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 636

You deserved it 17 462

Love

Another great day to be alive

Marriage doesn't solve anything

Morning conversation

By pabj208 - 22/12/2015 16:53 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend dumped me during what was supposed to be a romantic getaway at a remote log cabin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 703

You deserved it 1 746

By BeatByA9yrold - 12/04/2014 19:59 - Canada - Red Deer

Today, my girlfriend's little brother challenged me to a water gun fight. I accepted, not knowing he was going to fill his gun with vinegar, then shoot me in the eyes with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 630

You deserved it 4 661

By Dizzie Rascal - 31/08/2016 11:01 - United Kingdom

Today, I made spaghetti bolognese for three people. Of those three people, only one got food poisoning. Me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 291

You deserved it 1 731

By FMLTIMESTWO - 10/06/2009 04:36 - United States

Today, I found a dead bird on my windshield. Thinking I was clever, I turned on my windshield wipers to get the bird off. Unfortunately, the dead bird fell through my open window and onto my lap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 531

You deserved it 61 829

By Anonymous - 20/03/2009 15:07 - United States

Today, I had my girlfriend over and we were hugging when she put her feet on my feet. We started walking around like that and I said, "This is hard to maintain." She replied with "So's your erection." FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 558

You deserved it 17 038

By Bruja5 - 07/02/2010 05:15 - United States

Today, I thought about my boyfriend and all the things we used to do together years ago. Today, I also spent the day doing my now husband's laundry and watching him sit on the couch with his hand inside his underwear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 260

You deserved it 6 113

By TMI - 05/08/2009 19:36 - United States

Today, I was opening and sorting mail for my boss as part of my job. One package was delivered to the office instead of his home by mistake, since his house is next door on the same property. I didn't notice until I had opened it. I had to hand my boss an opened box of toys. Kinky ones. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 557

You deserved it 6 364

By nanuka_g - 27/11/2010 05:41 - United States

Today, I went to the movies. Two teenagers behind me had already seen the picture once and shared the entire plot with their friend during first 10 minutes. The finale was intended to be a great twist and I knew it from the very beginning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 434

You deserved it 3 467

By Ethan - 09/03/2009 13:35 - Australia

Today, I was having birthday dinner with my girlfriend and her parents, when her Dad asked what I got her she replied "He said he was going to give me a Pearl Necklace when we get home." I realized then that my girlfriend did not know what I meant by 'Pearl Necklace.' FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 086

You deserved it 94 967

By Ren - 27/01/2009 20:02 - United States

Today, I was at work, the Disney Store. A little boy was crying so I went over to him. After talking to him for a little while I found out he couldn't find his mother. When he became comfortable I went to help him stand up, he choked back his tears and then puked all over me from the waist down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 067

You deserved it 2 180

By OuchImAMoron - 29/11/2013 02:05 - United States - Old Bridge

Today, I was cleaning a pocketknife when I noticed a spider on my leg. My first reaction was to stab it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 423

You deserved it 46 630

Genetic test

By Anonymous - 12/10/2021 02:00

Today, it's not fair: I’ve seen my twin brother drink 2 full bottles of whiskey without getting more than tipsy, then go to work the next day completely fine on only 2 hours sleep, meanwhile I get completely trashed if I have more than 3 normal pints and take days to recover from the hangover. FML

I agree, your life sucks 775

You deserved it 293

By DeathbyWording - 29/04/2016 17:05 - United States - Vernon

Today, my doctor said I "might" have an enlarged heart and an irregular heartbeat. It "could" be seriously life-threatening and I "should" go to a specialist for further tests. My insurance refuses to cover my consultation with the specialist because the doctor's wording is too uncertain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 357

You deserved it 1 270

By Anonymous - 05/01/2010 12:49 - India

Today, while studying in India, I was peacefully journaling, reflecting and enjoying the beautiful landscape. And then a monkey threw its poo at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 191

You deserved it 5 379

By Username - 06/10/2010 21:59 - France

Today, I was telling my boyfriend about how self conscious I am and how I obsess about my weight. He said, "Don't be ridiculous, you don't need to lose that much weight." FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 989

You deserved it 28 649

Preventive measures

By Anonymous - 14/04/2021 23:03

Today, a year after I moved out with no contact since, my former housemates texted me out of the blue to tell me I'm not invited to their wedding. Seems she thought I'd just turn up and "embarrass" myself. I never indicated that I intended or even wanted to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 902

You deserved it 69

By Anonymous - 19/03/2009 20:47 - Canada

Today, at 4:00 a.m., I woke up and realized that I had thrown an expensive gift certificate for a friend in the garbage. Since it was garbage day, I ran out in the rain in my pajamas and rifled through all three bags of garbage. Twice. I found the gift certificate. It was in my pocket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 323

You deserved it 58 912

By blind - 29/01/2011 11:43 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to see the "Cirque du Soleil" at the Albert Hall. It was amazing, apparently. Of course I wouldn't know, because I left my glasses at the hotel, and was sitting at the very back row. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 784

You deserved it 30 414

By Chubby - 02/11/2009 20:39 - Belgium

Today, I was babysitting a really annoying kid who wouldn't listen to me, and threw his food through the kitchen, so I punished him. When his mother came home he ran to her and said, "Mommy, mommy, it's not true what you told me, fat people are NOT nice!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 492

You deserved it 5 521

By iheartkanye - 30/06/2019 20:01

Today, my little sister was rhyming words with "truck." When she came to "fuck", I told her never to say that word again because it was bad. She ran around the house screaming it. I'm in trouble for being "a bad influence." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 622

You deserved it 203

By Anonymous - 28/10/2013 04:51 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I failed hard at a color test. I thought it was a joke because most of the colors looked the same to me. Now I know why people laugh at my clothes color choices. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 583

You deserved it 3 585

By Weirdo - 30/12/2012 18:39 - United States

Today, I went to church for the first time in my life. They had a Jesus statue at the altar, and I noticed he was surprisingly muscular. Ten minutes later, I had to excuse myself, after I caught myself fantasizing over a crucified Jesus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 609

You deserved it 40 051

By ouch - 25/02/2009 23:29 - United States

Today, I had to rush to school to avoid being late. Unfortunately, I forgot to put a bra on beforehand, and as soon as I got to gym class, the first thing my teacher said was: "Okay folks, let's get outside, we're running the mile." FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 787

You deserved it 39 582

By thoughtitwasspecial - 18/05/2011 05:15 - United States

Today, I found a link to a porn website on my boyfriend's computer. A bit jealous, I asked why it was there. He told me that he thought thinking of me might get boring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 452

You deserved it 20 666

By Greg - 03/06/2010 15:45 - United States

Today, I had to sit and listen to the guy in the next cube brag to his wife about the promotion he just received. The promotion my boss told me last week that I was going to get. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 099

You deserved it 2 611

By HelpMe1 - 06/11/2014 06:53 - Indonesia - Jakarta

Today, my boss told me to fire the unstable, former military, gun nut employee. He's been making death threats to his supervisors. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 184

You deserved it 2 930

By TrappedInSchool - 28/07/2018 12:30 - United States - Fort Collins

Today, I found out that my parents lied to me about my GPA so they could go back on our agreement of "3.0 or above or summer school" and had no intention of honoring the agreement anyway. I've been in summer school doing catch-up for kicks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 626

You deserved it 484

By kalisa anteater - 09/06/2013 20:49 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I had to explain to my mother that a lace mini-dress with an obscene amount of cleavage was not appropriate to wear while meeting my boyfriend's parents. She called me an "annoying prude" and said that with my attitude, I don't deserve to have a man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 231

You deserved it 4 911

By KathleenSchuler - 05/03/2013 03:38 - United States

Today, I took a week off work because my father passed away. I was at the funeral home making arrangements when I overheard the owners complaining about how their insurance agent had left them to fend for themselves. I'm their insurance agent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 085

You deserved it 3 572

By gabby - 16/06/2012 20:36 - United States

Today, I'm driving cross-country with my parents. As if the stifling heat isn't bad enough, they keep stopping to admire, comment on, and practically do a photoshoot in every corn field we pass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 146

You deserved it 2 487

By stitchesupmyass - 01/11/2011 21:50 - United States

Today, I got my period. Last week, I fell out of a window and landed between my legs on a bush; I have massive swelling down there, and stitches over the ripped flesh. Now I'm bleeding out my period on top of the lingering wounds down there. It hurts even to pee, let alone menstruate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 627

You deserved it 4 661

By Abyssal - 04/04/2011 18:29 - United States

Today, I was making love to my wife from behind. As we both reached climax at the same time, she threw her head back in ecstasy just as I buckled forward with pleasure. We slammed our heads together, effectively ending our orgasms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 044

You deserved it 11 877

By Anonomous - 08/12/2014 17:58 - Canada - Whitby

Today, I went on a date with a girl who had to cut our date short so she could go on another one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 815

You deserved it 3 883

By browniepoints - 07/02/2010 00:09 - United States

Today, it dawned on me that the most romantic thing my husband has done in the last three years, was a put a wedding ring on his xbox avatar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 057

You deserved it 3 513

By beetregeneration - 16/11/2016 23:47 - United States - Stockton

Today, I was walking to a bathroom on campus before class when my professor walked in behind me. There were two urinals in the bathroom, we walked right up next to each other and unzipped our pants in unison. It became so awkward for me, I actually said out loud, "Nope, too awkward" and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 411

You deserved it 1 631

By Catscratch - 01/09/2009 18:51 - United States

Today, I walked into the kitchen and saw a note my roomate posted. As I got close to read it I was attacked by a very pissed off cat. The note said "Left window open last night, stray cat got in. Watch out he isn't friendly." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 390

You deserved it 3 237

By NewFiancee - 11/08/2009 00:21 - United States

Today, I went out for dinner with my parents where they asked me if I was still dating my boyfriend so I answered no. They quickly responded by saying, "Oh so you finally got rid of that douchebag? It's not like he was getting anywhere in life anyways." I answered no because he's my fiancé now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 178

You deserved it 9 589

By me - 05/01/2010 16:22 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate for the first time. He was sucking on my boob, everything was going good. He suddenly stopped and started choking really bad. He thought milk was coming out. Turns out, it was just his gum. The moment was ruined. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 285

You deserved it 3 717

By Anonymous - 18/07/2012 17:00 - United States - Chicago

Today, I went to the beach with a friend. We'd forgotten to get our towels out of the SUV, so I rushed back to the parking lot. I opened the passenger-side door and climbed in to begin my search. After ten seconds or so, I realized I'd busted into someone else's car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 531

You deserved it 6 887

By Lililaloose - 24/12/2008 04:11 - France

Today, while I was looking for a file on my boyfriend's hard drive, I came across photos of a half-naked woman wearing my clothes, but whose head wasn't really visible. When I demanded an explanation, I realised that it wasn't another girl - it was him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 822

You deserved it 3 572

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Top comments

Paco_el_Taco 17

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Wednesday 13 March 2013 12:57

You just met his other girlfriend....

RoboCunnilingus 23

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Wednesday 13 March 2013 12:56

Now he probably thinks you're a jerk.

RoboCunnilingus 23

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Wednesday 13 March 2013 12:56

Now he probably thinks you're a jerk.

sirpantselot 22

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Wednesday 13 March 2013 12:59

And he knows a thing or two about the jerk.

blackman100 20

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Saturday 16 March 2013 19:40

Oh shit!!!

IHATEFMYLIFE 26

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Thursday 18 July 2013 16:49

Where?? Maybe you meant to say cum or oh nut! No? Eh, I tried now go ahead and bury me alive! Lol

shinymaster3000 23

Wednesday 13 March 2013 12:56

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

Show it anyway

Neyuu 18

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Wednesday 13 March 2013 14:56

We could say the same about you.

shinymaster3000 23

Wednesday 13 March 2013 15:18

Okay

andyyroxx 20

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Wednesday 13 March 2013 16:36

Please put up a fight in the future. ^

therealslim 15

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Wednesday 13 March 2013 17:58

Haha, such a nonchalant response - "Okay"

shinymaster3000 23

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Thursday 14 March 2013 1:58

Why would I put up a fight

doctorhook86 24

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Thursday 14 March 2013 4:25

53: You're zen, bro. I like that.

ragini95 16

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Monday 18 March 2013 12:33

all of you need to stop being so aggressive and picking fights over everything. this community is psychotic sometimes.

Paco_el_Taco 17

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Wednesday 13 March 2013 12:57

You just met his other girlfriend....

JenkJenks 6

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Wednesday 13 March 2013 13:50

But don't worry, you can do plenty of things that she can only try to imitate.

pvtmeives 4

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Wednesday 13 March 2013 14:40

He's cheating on Jill? That bastard

AKGirlinSD 20

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Wednesday 13 March 2013 15:04

That's her name? I was wondering who the original girlfriend was ;). What's the name of his back-up girlfriend?

Catkam623 27

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Wednesday 13 March 2013 15:17

Anonymous:)

seeoseek 18

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Wednesday 13 March 2013 15:21

Rosie Palmer!

TrueTriage 16

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Wednesday 13 March 2013 17:12

Palmela Handerson

sux4u121 10

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Wednesday 13 March 2013 19:22

Barrack Opalma

BradTheBrony 19

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Wednesday 13 March 2013 21:37

uh Uh UH UM OH GOD MY TURN TO SHINE HERE WE GO NOW I'M GONNA BE GREAT PENIS fuck

green2go 14

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Wednesday 13 March 2013 22:17

Handoff the grey

Wimoweh 10

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Wednesday 13 March 2013 22:24

Yeah it's Jill, just hold out your right hand, the thumb and index finger make the "J," the middle finger is an "I" and the ring and pinky are the "L"s.

RoboCunnilingus 23

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Thursday 14 March 2013 4:46

My mind is blown right now.

McFappin 6

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Friday 15 March 2013 18:56

Haha

blackman100 20

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Saturday 16 March 2013 19:42

Arnold Palmer.

mkid232 15

Wednesday 13 March 2013 12:57

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

Show it anyway

HannahLouise96 13

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Wednesday 13 March 2013 13:00

No, really? Whatever gave you that idea?

sugarshane007 20

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Wednesday 13 March 2013 13:00

Nah, couldn't be that. He's some kind of phobic person that only uses self care products on one side of his body.

123man 11

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Wednesday 13 March 2013 13:52

Don't worry, I felt your sarcasm and appreciated it. Sometimes you gotta wear those down rates as a badge of honor.

sugarshane007 20

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Wednesday 13 March 2013 14:04

30,this is FML. We have high demands of people using sarcasm here. This one just fell a bit under that bar, even if it truly was sarcasm.

Neyuu 18

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Wednesday 13 March 2013 15:00

What's sarcasm?

BlitzPKF 10

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Wednesday 13 March 2013 15:57

@49 you're kidding right?

sugarshane007 20

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Wednesday 13 March 2013 17:09

Clever ploy 49, very clever.

Neyuu 18

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Wednesday 13 March 2013 20:29

I'm totes srs, 62.

BradTheBrony 19

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Wednesday 13 March 2013 21:39

Sarcasm? What's that taste like?

i_luv_dogs 10

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Wednesday 13 March 2013 23:52

It seemed like he was being sarcastic. If not, no shit Sherlock.

mkid232 15

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Thursday 14 March 2013 0:41

How in the world was that too subtle? I guess my mind's eye and everyone else's differs, but good lord I didn't expect to get so many negatives...

kidreich 7

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Thursday 20 August 2015 8:28

I hate you

bubina 14

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Wednesday 13 March 2013 12:57

What a wanker!

upallnight11 19

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Wednesday 13 March 2013 13:17

He really is a jerk off!

TheElBurrrito 21

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Wednesday 13 March 2013 19:42

He likes to be referred to as a Palm jockey.

oj101 33

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Wednesday 13 March 2013 12:59

OP, you have a golden opportunity. You can easily become girlfriend to the guy you like seeing as he's obviously single and horny.

lilhellian 26

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Wednesday 13 March 2013 13:06

He could be horny, but his gf doesn't wanna put out!

DjeePee 24

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Wednesday 13 March 2013 14:20

Somehow I find 6's comment rather sexistic towards men. It's a little strange to link masturbation to 1) being single and 2) desperately needing a relationship. You can be single, horny and yet keep some proper standards towards relationships.

folgy 10

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Wednesday 13 March 2013 14:34

DjeePee you're the first female I have seen who has actually defended a male stating they actually do want a deeper connection with a female other than sex. I salute you mam.

AKGirlinSD 20

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Wednesday 13 March 2013 15:10

I agree with 36. However, I dated a guy once who only thrived on masturbation, relationship or not. He said he could never depend on girls to fulfill his needs yet he had just got out of a 13 year relationship/marriage. When I would ask about why he liked masturbation so much better, he said it was to record his "memories." I dodged a bullet with that one!

DanielleinDC 32

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Wednesday 13 March 2013 15:55

Even guys in committed relationships masturbate. That he wanks a lot doesn't mean he's desperate, although it may mean he's horny. Or it just means he's human.