Today, I heard the sound of footsteps in the basement. Thinking... - FML

By dontbadouche - 1/2/2010 13:45 - Senegal

Today, I heard the sound of footsteps in the basement. Thinking it was burglars I grabbed a baseball bat and hurried down the stairs. I then tripped on the stairs, fell down them and smacked my head on the bat. The sound of footsteps I heard? It was my cat playing in some cardboard boxes. FML

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Compassion

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

Headache

By Don'tjudgeabook - 5/4/2017 20:00

Today, a man reminded me five times how much of a "nice guy" he was during our first conversation, saying also that I seem the sort to date the "bad guys" because I looked sweet and innocent. Then, without waiting for me to say something, he sighed and walked away, muttering that he always finished last. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/1/2012 20:06 - United States

Today, I received a late Christmas present from my estranged father. I was really excited, having neither seen nor heard from him in nearly two years. It was a $200 gift card for a store that only exists in Canada. I don't live in Canada. Not even close. FML

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By Alone - 6/5/2013 14:24 - United States - Chapel Hill

Today, my girlfriend found a letter I'd written to myself for moral support while we were broken up, in which I explained why we would never work out. Apparently I made a convincing argument. FML

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By ohhhemmgee - 6/9/2012 06:39 - United States - Reno

Today, I locked myself out of the house I was house-sitting. An hour later, and my fifth attempt at climbing the fence, I figured I'd try the door one more time. Turns out I was turning the handle the wrong way and the door wasn't locked in the first place. FML

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By Redhead - 22/8/2018 06:00

Today, I decided to get in the cowgirl position since it's my fiancé's favorite. I got a little carried away during the "ride" and suddenly heard his dick crack. I fractured his penis. He's never going to have sex with me again. FML

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By Katie - 9/3/2012 06:48 - United Kingdom

Today, while on trial for a desperately needed new job, I tripped crossing a road with my would-be manager. I twisted my ankle, and he had to carry me across the road and call a taxi for me to go home. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/10/2019 20:00

Breaking news

Today, my stepfather woke me up at two in the morning just to tell me he bought a sandwich. FML

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By 6u174r_d00d - 10/8/2011 21:10 - United States

Today, I saw a cute girl working register at my regular coffee shop and politely asked the her for her number. I was brutally rejected. A few minutes later, a douchebag with a popped collar approached her with a cheesy pickup line and left with not only her number, but a free frappe. FML

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By RJB - 29/7/2011 02:48 - United States

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, I got so bored I made a "to do" list for the week. FML

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By got to be kidding me - 2/5/2019 14:00 - United States - Cape Coral

Today, my eight-year-old daughter refused to use the port-a-potty at the fair. She preferred to piss her pants. FML

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By Noname - 14/3/2009 16:48 - United States

Today, my Christian boyfriend of six months broke up with me. I had told him when we started dating that I was an atheist, and he just now decided to look up what it is. He gave me a bible. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/4/2014 17:26 - Dominican Republic - Santo Domingo

Today, I was feeling adventurous and decided to freeball it to school. As I went to sit down during first class, I managed to sit on my own balls, scream, then collapse on the floor gasping. My teacher thought I was screwing around and gave me detention. FML

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By mrboston - 1/9/2009 23:44 - United States

Today, my college roommate whom I've never met moved in. Good thing I wasn't completely naked, playing with myself on the couch when he walked in. That would've been awkward. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/9/2009 14:04 - United States

Today, I was sitting with my boyfriend watching the Super Nanny. He watches the show regularly and said he has learned some of her techniques. Apparently, he uses them on me when I'm acting irrational. FML

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By knevs - 22/6/2011 20:05 - United States

Today, my mom sold our electronic stuff to pay for hurricane shutters. We live in Chicago. FML

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By FakeID - 6/5/2009 20:05 - United States

Today, I was pulled over for speeding. When the police officer approached me and asked for license and registration, I accidentally gave him my fake I.D. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/6/2013 17:22 - United States - Seattle

Today, at a family reunion, my visibly drunk grandparents heard about my new boyfriend, who is a cop. My gran asked if he ever made me feel like Rodney King in the bedroom. Then my grandpa, fresh off a DUI, asked if my boyfriend's dick is as bent as the police force. FML

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By PrayingForMoney - 25/3/2013 08:48 - United States - Sacramento

Today, I was at my job, waiting tables. A fellow server and myself were given a party of 14 Bible thumpers. They left us $9.00 and a mini Bible after awesome service, telling us we did a great job. Unfortunately, Religion doesn't pay my car payment. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/6/2011 20:25 - United States

Today, a friend posted the Facebook status "Ahhh... relief." Trying to be funny, I replied "Why? Did you just poop?" A few hours later, I read her previous posts and found out her dad's in the hospital having heart surgery. Now everyone thinks I'm a heartless dick. FML

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By alone_forever - 4/3/2009 21:03 - United States

Today, my best friend who I have been secretly in love with forever, was ranting about her ex-girlfriend. Then she said : "If only you were gay, we'd be perfect for each other." So I took the chance to tell her I was. She responded : "Well I am still not attracted to you though." FML

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By bestgirlfriend - 3/9/2015 23:31 - United Kingdom - Stockton-on-tees

Today, my dad made me and my boyfriend break up. Not because he was a bad influence, but because I was. FML

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By Noname - 24/1/2009 15:24 - United States

Today, I was walking in the mall and passed one of the hair product booths (with the people who constanly harrass you as you walk by). In front of half of the mall the woman working there told me that she had several products that I could use to touch up my roots. I'm a natural red head. FML

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By dishwasherforlife - 4/11/2009 05:26 - United States

Today, I filled out a 'perfect job placement' test, where you put down your skills, experience and education level and then it finds you jobs based on your abilities and areas of knowledge. No lie, the most compatible job they found for me was 'Dishwasher'. FML

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By sauve dino. - 25/3/2016 03:12 - France - Groslay

Today, I explained to my five year-old son that the dinosaurs were wiped out because of a meteorite that hit our planet. He replied, "They should've stood out of the way." FML

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By Mrs. Man - 2/2/2012 18:29 - United States

Today, a stranger told me how proud he was that my boyfriend and I were so open with our sexuality. For the past three years, most strangers have thought we are a pair of gay men. I am a woman. FML

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By bucktooth - 26/4/2012 23:04 - United Kingdom

Today, while enjoying breakfast, my teeth took a chunk out of my cheek. This happens regularly, even when I'm talking. Both my doctor and dentist have no idea why, and I'm in utter agony. FML

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By porcelainleigh - 23/11/2016 19:41 - United States

Today, I got engaged. I called my mom and told her. "You didn't say yes, did you?" she said. Afterwards, I told my dad. "Uh, Congratulations. But, I have questions." Thanks guys. FML

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By IwishIwashigh - 1/3/2017 14:00

Today, I went to make cookies, the box said mix by hand so I literally used my hands. Not a fork or anything. My step-mom walked in and laughed at me. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/5/2020 08:00

Never? NEVER?!

Today, I had a fight with my grandma again with whom I've been living for 4 years due to college hostel being below par. She blamed me for destroying her kitchen equipment by extensively cooking, especially at night. I've never placed a foot inside her kitchen since the beginning. FML

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By Kyle - 9/11/2012 06:57 - United States - Alpharetta

Today, I was told I look like a Simpson. I don't have blond hair, or any of the features of them. So I asked which one. I was told Homer because we both could use Weight Watchers and an education. FML

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By dumbdad - 8/9/2010 00:25 - United States

Today, my estranged dad drunk-dialed me at 4am to apologize, and to make amends. After crying and forgiving, we hung up. Minutes later, he called back to retract everything he said after remembering how I was rude to him at a party 3 years ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/7/2011 02:06 - United States

Today, I caught a cab to take me to a hospital appointment. The driver turned around and told me I was in the Cash Cab. I got really excited and screamed. That is, until she laughed and said, "Just kidding. I always wanted to do that to someone." FML

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By GottaGetOuttaHere - 9/11/2018 13:30

Today, during my yearly review, I was told by my boss that mistakes in my paperwork will be investigated by our company legal team. He also said, "Think of them as the TV or movie version of Internal Affairs" and said I would be considered "guilty until proven innocent." I can't afford to quit. FML

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By stinker - 22/2/2009 01:20 - United States

Today, my mother told me she was going out of town this weekend. I re-assured her that I would not throw a party. She replied "Oh, like you have enough friends to do that." FML

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By Brinty - 31/10/2009 05:20 - Australia

Today, I found out that whenever a mistake is made at my work, my boss assumes that it was me, unless indicated otherwise, but he has never said anything to me about it because of my 'learning disorder'. I don't have a learning disorder. FML

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By Triple F - 7/3/2009 17:16 - United States

Today, I laced up my fabulous new boots and walked outside to find my hot neighbor, with whom I carpool every morning. I struck a pose, feeling quite confident. Upon taking my first step down the stairs, I fell forward. I woke up an hour later with 7 stitches in my head. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/4/2018 15:00

Today, I tried to get the day off because of snow and ice on the roads, which had already caused 2 accidents close to my house. My boss just called me a useless millennial, fired me, and hung up the phone. FML

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By SirDirtyRedD - 25/1/2014 01:03 - Iceland - Reykjav

Today, I found my little brother breathing heavily and asked him what he was doing. He looked at me intensely and said "Breathing in all the oxygen so you can't have any and die." 5ML

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By merp. - 2/2/2013 06:57 - United States - Wausau

Today, I spun off the road and into a ditch. The insurance company told me I'd have to wait an hour, as they had other cars to tow first. I had to pee so badly that I resorted to using the only thing I had in my car: a plastic bag. That's when I got a knock on my window from the tow truck driver. FML

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By billy - 31/3/2015 10:54 - United States - Wellesley Hills

Today, I dislocated my toe while putting on my socks. FML

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Top comments

By FernandoTorres_fml | 0

#816291 - Monday 1 February 2010 20:06

THE CAT BURGLAR STRIKES AGAIN.

By McCannCanTriple | 0

#816284 - Monday 1 February 2010 20:04

At least you didn't call the cops.

Comments

By JERKKMONKEY | 0

#816260 - Monday 1 February 2010 19:59

rofl wow

Reply

igetinyourpants | 0

#816346 - Monday 1 February 2010 20:18

first

Reply

igetinyourpants | 0

#816374 - Monday 1 February 2010 20:25

what a dumb ass nigger is OP

Reply

BeautifulDawn | 0

#816431 - Monday 1 February 2010 20:42

Ever heard of grammar?

Reply

mfmylifesrsly | 29

#816432 - Monday 1 February 2010 20:42

wow your cat must be fat if his movement sounds like human footsteps. my cats' do :D

Reply

MrPresidentBoss1 | 0

#816497 - Monday 1 February 2010 21:05

Hey look I tagged onto the first comment so everyone can read what I said.

Reply

Americon187 | 0

#816512 - Monday 1 February 2010 21:14

dip shit

Reply

Gumblebum100 | 0

#816564 - Monday 1 February 2010 21:43

yea ... wow

Reply

hennessey | 0

#816616 - Monday 1 February 2010 22:06

Hey, wow! Did you want a cookie?

Reply

Shystai | 0

#817768 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 5:13

YDI for having a cat. Why not a rabbit? Dog?Rat? Kangaroo? Ostrich? Giraffe? Antelope?Cow? Chicken? Duck? Frog? Zebra? Last but not least, a platypus?

Reply

nigranathan | 0

#821135 - Wednesday 3 February 2010 8:17

lol

Reply

salvadordali22 | 1

#847146 - Friday 12 February 2010 5:08

rofl!

Reply

pingpongpickle | 8

#1024154 - Tuesday 8 June 2010 19:42

hahah. zebra.

Reply

fmyinternet | 13

#6682324 - Friday 2 September 2016 6:01

What about a elephant? Cow? Goldfish? Red fish? Blue fish? One fish? Or maybe even two fish?

By palasarop | 0

#816261 - Monday 1 February 2010 19:59

1st!!

Reply

infernofalcon | 0

#816267 - Monday 1 February 2010 20:01

your avatar adaquately describes you.

Reply

JERKKMONKEY | 0

#816271 - Monday 1 February 2010 20:01

fail.

Reply

lolpwntdumass | 0

#816801 - Monday 1 February 2010 23:40

lmao

Reply

Quidikic | 9

#1396110 - Monday 13 September 2010 3:56

SECOND

my fail was equal to his

Reply

m0tl3ycru3 | 0

#3533375 - Thursday 3 November 2011 0:19

2-nobody gives a fuck

By infernofalcon | 0

#816262 - Monday 1 February 2010 19:59

smooth.

By icanspellgud | 0

#816273 - Monday 1 February 2010 20:02

ninth

Reply

airforce987 | 20

#816278 - Monday 1 February 2010 20:04

fail

Reply

icanspellgud | 0

#816298 - Monday 1 February 2010 20:09

win

By Voltage_fml | 0

#816281 - Monday 1 February 2010 20:04

I would piss myself.

By McCannCanTriple | 0

#816284 - Monday 1 February 2010 20:04

At least you didn't call the cops.

By FernandoTorres_fml | 0

#816291 - Monday 1 February 2010 20:06

THE CAT BURGLAR STRIKES AGAIN.

Reply

UnearthlyEnemy | 9

#816355 - Monday 1 February 2010 20:21

funny

Reply

joshhh11 | 0

#816695 - Monday 1 February 2010 22:52

lame

Reply

8trickster8 | 0

#817311 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 2:28

mediocre

Reply

BoostaRoosta | 0

#817524 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 3:56

amateur

Reply

ShadowzI | 0

#818105 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 8:00

shup da whoop

By Averizzle | 0

#816305 - Monday 1 February 2010 20:10

Your cat wanted crack and was about to mug you when you came down. What do you do? You gain wrist control and pull out your gun.

Reply

cowgod | 0

#816320 - Monday 1 February 2010 20:13

Hahahahahaha! best comment

Reply

jonnyapples | 7

#1402335 - Tuesday 14 September 2010 5:56

I love that video

By himynameis27 | 0

#816307 - Monday 1 February 2010 20:11

that's what you get for owning a cat. most disgusting and pathetic animal ever.

Reply

Cthulu | 0

#816461 - Monday 1 February 2010 20:53

GTF OFF THE INTERNET

Reply

bluesclues72 | 0

#817283 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 2:15

yes I agree. cats should be wiped off the face of the earth

Reply

MF12 | 0

#817602 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 4:20

jerks

Reply

MF12 | 0

#817613 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 4:22

you know that's what caused the black plague? the people thougt cats were evil and witchy and stuff so they killed a lot. there was no natural predator for the rats anymore, so they multiplied and started getting infected.... and then 1/3 of the population was wiped out. yay!

By tehantone | 0

#816318 - Monday 1 February 2010 20:12

pretty clumsy move..

Reply

inangel | 0

#816706 - Monday 1 February 2010 22:58

lol