Today, I heard the sound of footsteps in the basement. Thinking... - FML

By dontbadouche - 1/2/2010 13:45 - Senegal

Today, I heard the sound of footsteps in the basement. Thinking it was burglars I grabbed a baseball bat and hurried down the stairs. I then tripped on the stairs, fell down them and smacked my head on the bat. The sound of footsteps I heard? It was my cat playing in some cardboard boxes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26628

You deserved it

7203

Tweet

Share

Basic Instinct

Fashion Police

Boom, headshot

By Bacon0426 - 4/7/2016 21:03 - United States - Skaneateles

Today, in honor of America's birthday, my 50-year-old father decided to light off homemade bombs without telling anyone. The screams of me and my family members were louder than the bombs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12663

You deserved it

1086

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 27/1/2013 06:10 - United States - Batesville

Today, I decided to change my hair color. After waiting in anticipation, I took a shower to rinse out the dye and reveal my new, blue hair. Rinsing revealed not only blue hair, but blue skin caused by the watered dye running over my body. I now look like a smurf, and it's not coming out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20396

You deserved it

42471

Tweet

Share

By Jen - 9/11/2010 03:36 - Australia

Today, I arrived home to find I'd been broken in to. The culprit? An obese homeless man, who I found face down, unconscious, and surrounded by muesli bar wrappers in my pantry. He broke in, ate everything in sight, soiled himself, and passed out. The worst part? The cops don't even believe me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36678

You deserved it

2730

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 6/3/2010 17:13 - United States

Today, I learned it's not a good idea to answer your phone with "F*** off!" just because you're having a bad day. It could just be your pastor on the other end. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7536

You deserved it

49672

Tweet

Share

By PLU - 27/1/2011 00:57 - Canada

Today, I met my boyfriend's brother. When he saw me, he whispered into my boyfriend's ear, "So, this is your bitch eh? Nice!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

32825

You deserved it

5680

Tweet

Share

By getafucktoysomewhereelsedude - 16/5/2013 20:31 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I had to listen to yet another delusional fuckface at school bitch about how a girl he's interested in put him in the "friend-zone". I really couldn't focus on my work, so I tried to shut him up by saying he's an idiot, not least because she already has a boyfriend. I now have a black eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40041

You deserved it

17129

Tweet

Share

By z - 5/11/2009 17:20 - United States

Today, I re-joined a popular on-line dating service. I first signed up 3 years ago and was matched with a wonderful woman. After about a year, she broke up with me. I was devastated. After two years of trying to win her back, I decided it's best just to move on. Guess who they matched me with? FML

I agree, your life sucks

42356

You deserved it

5366

Tweet

Share

By "QueenCortana Tiffany Turner" - 7/2/2020 14:00

Temper tantrum

Today, the cops were called to my apartment because my daughter had a temper tantrum while I was at work. She was naked when they were there. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2104

You deserved it

261

Tweet

Share

By bcf1234 - 15/10/2010 04:06 - United States

Today, I waited in line at Subway. There were two people in front of me. The first lady had seven sandwiches and the second lady had four. So after patiently waiting, I ordered my sandwich, only to have my credit card declined. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26510

You deserved it

12065

Tweet

Share

By Anon - 27/6/2018 20:30

Not the nuggets!

Today, I invited the guy I've been seeing for 5 months over. We got some chicken nuggets, but didn’t eat because he stripped my clothes off and we started having sex. Out of nowhere, he said, "I can’t do this!" and left. He took the chicken nuggets with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4760

You deserved it

466

Tweet

Share

By DerrickUhl - 19/6/2012 04:28 - United States - Napa

Today, I finally turned 21 so my friends and I decided to go to a club. There, I met this hot waitress and we were really hitting it off. I decided to order a drink. She replied with, "No problem, kiddo." FML

I agree, your life sucks

25685

You deserved it

6883

Tweet

Share

By Username - 23/1/2011 18:44 - United States

Today, my best friend came over for dinner and a movie. Moments after arriving, she spent an hour on the phone, and ended up accepting another invitation before leaving. I guess it's dinner for one tonight. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29149

You deserved it

2595

Tweet

Share

By Brooke - 9/8/2009 15:23 - United States

Today, my skin was turning black, and I believed I was reacting to a spider bite. I spent 4 hours waiting in an emergency room in the middle of the night, paid a $100 copay, and missed a night with my boyfriend just to have a doctor wipe dye from my brand new black jeans off with alcohol. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10855

You deserved it

56722

Tweet

Share

By vanorav - 18/3/2012 02:41 - United States - Santa Clarita

Today, I walked into the kitchen to eat some breakfast. I got a full visual of my drunk neighbor dancing naked in my backyard. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26462

You deserved it

2175

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 27/6/2015 19:58

Today, I wore flip-flops to work. Just as I walked onto the elevator, they made a sound very close to that of a fart. About 10 seconds later, some asshole let out a silent but deadly fart, earning me a bunch of disgusted looks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27358

You deserved it

4693

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 26/1/2017 10:04 - United States - Newtown

Today, my crush fell asleep on me on the bus. This would have been fantastic if I didn't immediately have an erection in her ear. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7986

You deserved it

1298

Tweet

Share

By facepalm - 12/9/2011 08:07 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend that a tornado is not the same thing as a hurricane. I couldn't convince him, and he still won't talk to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29034

You deserved it

3788

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 3/10/2009 16:43 - United States

Today, I was helping my friend pack her carry on for her vacation. I drove her to the airport, and after her plane took off, I noticed I put my cell phone in her purse. Her vacation is 2 months long. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16932

You deserved it

33422

Tweet

Share

By peallow - 12/5/2013 05:01 - Puerto Rico - San Juan

Today, I asked my father if he was proud that I have never done drugs, never drank alcohol, never had sex, never had psychological problems, never been to the hospital for something serious, never been in a fight and maintain good grades. He told me I was a boring daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56720

You deserved it

19999

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 30/11/2018 16:00 - United States - Floral Park

Today, I found my brother sobbing uncontrollably. When I asked why, he told me Melanie was dead. Thinking he was talking about his girlfriend, I offered to take him to a grief counselor. It was there that he told us that Melanie is the name of his horse in Red Dead Redemption II. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2913

You deserved it

343

Tweet

Share

By creepingjennie - 7/6/2020 02:11

Because I'm worth it

Today, I discovered that head lice shampoo can remove the dye from your hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1063

You deserved it

385

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 10/8/2009 20:18 - United Kingdom

Today, my friend and I were arguing over whose boyfriend was better. Just as I was about to convince her, my boyfriend rang. Trying to start the perfect conversation, I put him on speaker phone and answered "Hey Tiger, I was just thinking about you". He broke up with me on speaker. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51693

You deserved it

16243

Tweet

Share

By B1N - 15/4/2019 14:00

Today, I took a shower and went to put clothes on after, only to find no clothes in my closet. My mom took them all and hid them. No idea why. No idea when I will get them back. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1859

You deserved it

180

Tweet

Share

By maggie74 - 27/6/2012 04:58 - United States - Enfield

Today, I sent my boyfriend a nude picture, he sent it back to me with a mustache on my face from that iPhone app and told me he likes it much better that way. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29672

You deserved it

9559

Tweet

Share

By izzy - 15/5/2017 04:00

Today, my sister told me she is getting married and asked me to be the Co-Maid of Honor. Who is the first maid of honor? Her cat. She is serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4190

You deserved it

405

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 26/6/2020 23:00

Sibling rivalry

Today, I found out my dad gets my younger brother a Big Gulp from 7/11 every time he mows the yard. I mowed for three years straight and never got anything. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1376

You deserved it

151

Tweet

Share

By Noname - 24/2/2009 23:57 - United States

Today, my hard drive on my computer crashed with all of my files on it. I took it to my Dad, who is a computer analyst, to see if he could recover anything. The only thing that he could salvage was my illustrious collection of porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22450

You deserved it

66177

Tweet

Share

By Drom - 14/9/2016 12:20 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I pushed my spinning clothesline around and walked off like a badass. A loose wire then whipped around the back of my head and caught me in the eye. I'm just so badass. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9291

You deserved it

3562

Tweet

Share

By Noname - 21/2/2009 07:34 - United States

Today, I was stuck in what I thought was traffic on my way home from work. I started weaving in and out of traffic because it seemed to only be a few cars holding up the line. I get to the front of the line and I'd realized I just weaved through a funeral procession. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12083

You deserved it

58127

Tweet

Share

By ImScrewed - 2/8/2011 17:47 - United States

Today, my boss sat me down to discuss the sounds my co-workers have heard coming from my cubicle. Apparently my music sounds like the background tracks from shitty soft-core porn movies. I'm getting a three day suspension while they go through all my files. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32124

You deserved it

5224

Tweet

Share

By fuundmental/// - 9/4/2011 05:46 - Australia

Today, I was looking in my grandparents' drawers and cupboards to find a blanket, but instead found a stash of sex toys, and a male G-string with a horse on the front. The best bit? When you press the horse's nose, it neighs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43513

You deserved it

9922

Tweet

Share

By notfuckingpaidenough - 13/6/2015 11:45 - United States - San Leandro

Today, a man tried to rob the store I work at. Before the guy was taken by the cops, he complained to my manager for "unfriendly behavior". He took it seriously and bitched me out for not providing "quality service" to our customers. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31348

You deserved it

2059

Tweet

Share

By Noname - 12/3/2009 09:06 - United States

Today, I got a text message. My phone was sitting on the edge of the bed and set on vibrate, so it fell off. I reached down to grab my phone and fell off the bed. My macbook landed on top of me. I fractured my arm and broke my laptop to read a text from facebook. FML

I agree, your life sucks

60166

You deserved it

21134

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 26/11/2010 13:15 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out my stalker is my mom's new boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39443

You deserved it

3042

Tweet

Share

By Asshole hornet - 28/10/2013 20:18 - United States - Marblehead

Today, a hornet thought it would be fun to fly into a candle that I had lit. As the hornet burned to death, it flung its charred body at my face, which is more painful than it sounds. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44256

You deserved it

3460

Tweet

Share

By curtain buyer - 9/3/2015 01:05 - United States - Albany

Today, I moved into my new apartment. As I sat in my living room watching Netflix, I found out that my window has an excellent view of my new neighbors, who just so happen to like to shag with the blinds open. I guess I'll be buying some curtains. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31855

You deserved it

3648

Tweet

Share

By sexysue - 7/11/2009 22:22 - United States

Today, it was me and my husband's anniversary. He was at work, so I decided to dress up "sexy". You know, the typical lacey thong and fishnets. I heard the door open, and what I thought was him was actually my brother who'd visited to wish me a happy anniversary. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23871

You deserved it

5718

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 23/6/2020 08:08

Bizarre Love Triangle

Today, after going down on me and dry humping me in bed, my boyfriend told me he was having second thoughts about me while I was away for a few days. Apparently, he spent time with my best friend who set us up. She asked him to hypothetically propose to her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1545

You deserved it

132

Tweet

Share

By Debbie - 23/2/2009 14:16 - United States

Today, I drove to a job interview. I had to sneeze, but because I was driving on the highway, I didn't let go of the wheel to cover my mouth. I didn't know the sneeze was a "productive" one until I was sitting in the interview, looked down at my new blouse and saw the giant lugie sitting there. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37290

You deserved it

8891

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 9/11/2014 07:51

Today, I spent all day making preparations and buying food for my upcoming birthday. It's not for a party, though - none of my friends wanted to come. I'm preparing for the launch of the new World of Warcraft expansion. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34862

You deserved it

7556

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By FernandoTorres_fml | 0

#816291 - Monday 1 February 2010 20:06

THE CAT BURGLAR STRIKES AGAIN.

By McCannCanTriple | 0

#816284 - Monday 1 February 2010 20:04

At least you didn't call the cops.

COMMENTS

By JERKKMONKEY | 0

#816260 - Monday 1 February 2010 19:59

rofl wow

Reply

igetinyourpants | 0

#816346 - Monday 1 February 2010 20:18

first

Reply

igetinyourpants | 0

#816374 - Monday 1 February 2010 20:25

what a dumb ass nigger is OP

Reply

BeautifulDawn | 0

#816431 - Monday 1 February 2010 20:42

Ever heard of grammar?

Reply

mfmylifesrsly | 29

#816432 - Monday 1 February 2010 20:42

wow your cat must be fat if his movement sounds like human footsteps. my cats' do :D

Reply

MrPresidentBoss1 | 0

#816497 - Monday 1 February 2010 21:05

Hey look I tagged onto the first comment so everyone can read what I said.

Reply

Americon187 | 0

#816512 - Monday 1 February 2010 21:14

dip shit

Reply

Gumblebum100 | 0

#816564 - Monday 1 February 2010 21:43

yea ... wow

Reply

hennessey | 0

#816616 - Monday 1 February 2010 22:06

Hey, wow! Did you want a cookie?

Reply

Shystai | 0

#817768 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 5:13

YDI for having a cat. Why not a rabbit? Dog?Rat? Kangaroo? Ostrich? Giraffe? Antelope?Cow? Chicken? Duck? Frog? Zebra? Last but not least, a platypus?

Reply

nigranathan | 0

#821135 - Wednesday 3 February 2010 8:17

lol

Reply

salvadordali22 | 1

#847146 - Friday 12 February 2010 5:08

rofl!

Reply

pingpongpickle | 8

#1024154 - Tuesday 8 June 2010 19:42

hahah. zebra.

Reply

fmyinternet | 13

#6682324 - Friday 2 September 2016 6:01

What about a elephant? Cow? Goldfish? Red fish? Blue fish? One fish? Or maybe even two fish?

By palasarop | 0

#816261 - Monday 1 February 2010 19:59

1st!!

Reply

infernofalcon | 0

#816267 - Monday 1 February 2010 20:01

your avatar adaquately describes you.

Reply

JERKKMONKEY | 0

#816271 - Monday 1 February 2010 20:01

fail.

Reply

lolpwntdumass | 0

#816801 - Monday 1 February 2010 23:40

lmao

Reply

Quidikic | 9

#1396110 - Monday 13 September 2010 3:56

SECOND

my fail was equal to his

Reply

m0tl3ycru3 | 0

#3533375 - Thursday 3 November 2011 0:19

2-nobody gives a fuck

By infernofalcon | 0

#816262 - Monday 1 February 2010 19:59

smooth.

By icanspellgud | 0

#816273 - Monday 1 February 2010 20:02

ninth

Reply

airforce987 | 20

#816278 - Monday 1 February 2010 20:04

fail

Reply

icanspellgud | 0

#816298 - Monday 1 February 2010 20:09

win

By Voltage_fml | 0

#816281 - Monday 1 February 2010 20:04

I would piss myself.

By McCannCanTriple | 0

#816284 - Monday 1 February 2010 20:04

At least you didn't call the cops.

By FernandoTorres_fml | 0

#816291 - Monday 1 February 2010 20:06

THE CAT BURGLAR STRIKES AGAIN.

Reply

UnearthlyEnemy | 9

#816355 - Monday 1 February 2010 20:21

funny

Reply

joshhh11 | 0

#816695 - Monday 1 February 2010 22:52

lame

Reply

8trickster8 | 0

#817311 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 2:28

mediocre

Reply

BoostaRoosta | 0

#817524 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 3:56

amateur

Reply

ShadowzI | 0

#818105 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 8:00

shup da whoop

By Averizzle | 0

#816305 - Monday 1 February 2010 20:10

Your cat wanted crack and was about to mug you when you came down. What do you do? You gain wrist control and pull out your gun.

Reply

cowgod | 0

#816320 - Monday 1 February 2010 20:13

Hahahahahaha! best comment

Reply

jonnyapples | 7

#1402335 - Tuesday 14 September 2010 5:56

I love that video

By himynameis27 | 0

#816307 - Monday 1 February 2010 20:11

that's what you get for owning a cat. most disgusting and pathetic animal ever.

Reply

Cthulu | 0

#816461 - Monday 1 February 2010 20:53

GTF OFF THE INTERNET

Reply

bluesclues72 | 0

#817283 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 2:15

yes I agree. cats should be wiped off the face of the earth

Reply

MF12 | 0

#817602 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 4:20

jerks

Reply

MF12 | 0

#817613 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 4:22

you know that's what caused the black plague? the people thougt cats were evil and witchy and stuff so they killed a lot. there was no natural predator for the rats anymore, so they multiplied and started getting infected.... and then 1/3 of the population was wiped out. yay!

By tehantone | 0

#816318 - Monday 1 February 2010 20:12

pretty clumsy move..

Reply

inangel | 0

#816706 - Monday 1 February 2010 22:58

lol