Animals: Today, I heard the sound of footsteps in the basement. Thinking... - FML

By dontbadouche - Senegal

Today, I heard the sound of footsteps in the basement. Thinking it was burglars I grabbed a baseball bat and hurried down the stairs. I then tripped on the stairs, fell down them and smacked my head on the bat. The sound of footsteps I heard? It was my cat playing in some cardboard boxes. FML

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Instadrama

Season finale

Dominion

By GHEttoUp

Today, my husband and I are temporarily moved into a cheap apartment in town until settlement for the house we are buying. So far, from my balcony, I’ve a watched a drug deal take place and a man scratch at the ground then lick his hands. It’s going to be a long three weeks. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, as I walked into McDonald's with my mom, she glanced at me and said, "Smells like your future." FML

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By LeaveMeAlone - 23/2/2021 22:56

Get out of there, fast

Today, I went on a date with a really cute guy. Things were going great, so we went to his place. While he was in the bathroom, I absentmindedly looked around his apartment. Unfortunately, his living room cupboard was half open, and I saw a shrine of pictures of me. Apparently, he's been stalking me for months. FML

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By KaiyaOtaku1 - United States - Seattle

Today, while eating dinner with my boyfriend, I look up to see him staring at me, smiling. Hoping he wanted to say how lucky of a man he was who loved me deeply, I asked him what he was thinking. He replied, "You can't smell that yet? It was a noxious one." FML

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By Oh really - Australia

Today, my friend mentioned a book that reminded her of me. When I asked what it was called she said, "He's just not that into you". FML

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By karmaaa - United States - Huxley

Today, I was driving with my grandma and she was going 30 over the speed limit. To slow her down, I said, "Hey look, the police". She slammed on the brakes so hard I hit my head on the dashboard. FML

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By AgentOrion - United States - Bessemer

Today, I dreamed I was wrestling an alligator. I quickly woke up to my girlfriend yelling and me holding her in a headlock. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Valdosta

Today, while working at Subway I joked with a customer asking him if he was going to order in Spanish. The women in front of him began yelling about how I was being racist and told my manager that I needed to be fired. The customer I was joking with was my Spanish teacher. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the kids I babysit hid from me. While I was looking for them, I stepped on multiple strategically-placed Lego bricks. When I yelped from the pain, the kids jumped out and threw soccer balls in my face. FML

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By anon - Australia - Salisbury

Today, my daughter asked me if we could adopt a child. I said no, since we can't afford to support another child. She then asked me if she could just adopt another dad instead. FML

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By Doubleyew1 - United States

Today, the cute guy I met on Halloween finally decided to meet up with me after almost 10 months of phone calls, IM, and emails. He was noticeably disappointed and said I looked different. On Halloween I had full face zombie makeup. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband of three years told me he only proposed to me because his favorite football team was winning and he had been drunk. I had our second child three days ago. FML

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By bigmouth - United States

Today, I met a really nice couple at a bar. We talked and the conversation eventually drifted towards online dating. I casually commented that hooking up through the internet was sad and pathetic. Turns out they met on Myspace. FML

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By godzilllla - United States - Bothell

Today, while at the local supermarket, I spotted an attractive woman packing food into a shelf. Trying to be flirty, I asked where I could find the cream cheese. Apparently, it was on the shelf right behind me. I heard her mutter "idiot" under her breath. FML

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By Minecraftwhyyy - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I reached that point in our relationship where just a simple phone conversation was too boring. His idea to spice things up? Playing Minecraft together. FML

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By GetAnotherRoomAlready - United States - Singapore

Today, I woke up at 2 AM to the sounds of my roommate and his girlfriend on Skype, playing a game of, "No, I love YOU more, baby, schmoopy schmoopy schmoopy schmoo". It went on for around half an hour. FML

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By whatproject - United States

Today, I was offered to attend a Buddhist ceremony by one of my regular customers. Not wanting to offend the couple, I made an excuse about have a project for oceanography. Surprise, the husband is an oceanographer and wants to help me with my imaginary project. Karma much? FML

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By wtfisthisworldcomingto

Today, I was mugged. The guy mugging me was eating a banana. FML

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By CAchickadee - United States

Today, I was singing while unloading my dishwasher. I heard a knock on the door and went to answer it only to find the police telling me they received noise complaints from my neighbors. I live next-door to my parents. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at lunch with my girlfriend. The waitress came up and asked for her number, then asked if she had a significant other. I laughed as my girlfriend gave the waitress her number. They're going on a date, tonight. FML

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By Clementine - Australia - Saint Kilda

Today, I went to a restaurant with my boyfriend. After dessert, he went to the bathroom so I quickly called the waiter over and paid the bill, thinking it was a nice gesture. When he returned, he broke up with me for "emasculating" him. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my wife served me with divorce papers that included an accusation that I haven’t given her a decent orgasm since 1996. FML

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By backwardsinlife - United States

Today, while in the drive-through for Taco Bell, I hit the car behind me after forgetting my car was in reverse. It was in reverse because I was worried the old lady in front of me was going to forget she was in reverse. She didn't. FML

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By Damnlife123 - United States

Today, I was playing and laughing with my new baby boy. He was giggling, and it was adorable. Out of nowhere I say "you're my favorite!". Now I'm sitting here talking to my two other children about how what I said earlier I didn't mean personally. They never want to talk to me again. FML

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By BrokenPoke - United States - Elkhart

PokeCrash

Today, my wife screamed to stop the car in an intersection, so I slammed on the brakes. From the left, an SUV rammed full force into us. My wife is unharmed, but I now have a broken left arm and our car is totaled. On the bright side, she caught the Pokémon in the road. FML

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By girlie - United States

Today, I was in the gym, when i noticed three trainers who worked there staring at me. Thinking that they were checking me out, i turned the speed on the tread mill higher. Finally one of the trainers came over, and asked me to leave until i got a sports bra that actually worked. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I found out my girlfriend only gets aroused after watching Jersey Shore and will only have sex immediately after an episode. I think the worst part is, I'll take what I can get. FML

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By Nails - United States

Today, I went to the doctor with my parents. When the doctor asked if I was sexually active, I said 'Yes.' My mom laughed and said 'Good one.' My dad, for added effect said, 'Your hand doesn't count.' FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

First impressions

Today, I had my first job interview in months. The interviewer started by introducing herself and asking how I was. I got caught between introducing myself and telling her how I was and replied, "I'm Kate thanks." FML

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By kumcat - United States - Aurora

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me by canceling our relationship status on Facebook. I commented in disbelief, only for my dad to reply "#rekt", then "But seriously, about time. She's gonna give your balls back, right?" Thanks for the support. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I drove 3 hours to surprise my girlfriend, who I hadn't seen in 3 weeks. When she opened the door, she gasped, told me to fuck off and slammed the door in my face. FML

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By Anonyme

Today, my parents, who aren’t usually lenient, allowed me to have my boyfriend over. We started to cuddle, things got a little heated, but then my sister walks in and says, “You do my math homework, or I tell mom what you guys were doing.” I don’t remember middle school math being this hard. FML

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By helpme - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, I wrote my boyfriend a love letter during class and told him to read it when he got home. He texted me later asking me why I gave him my school assignment. I must have handed the love letter in to my teacher. FML

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By fsfs - Germany - Kiel

Today, I went downstairs a little after midnight to grab a snack, and in the dark hallway, I clearly saw a small child walk into the kitchen. I was freaked out, but I followed him in. There was nobody in the room. I'm now too scared to sleep, and am seriously considering moving house. FML

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By fucking fuck off - United States

Today, a customer gave me hell because a high-spec game he bought wouldn't run on his ancient Windows XP PC. I ended up having to profusely apologize and refund him. Whoever coined the phrase "the customer is always right" should probably be shot, run over by a bus, then shot a few more times. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I finally finished making my daughter's wedding cake. When I checked on it later, I found a large slice had been cut out. I soon found out that my husband had instagrammed himself eating it, with the caption "#guiltypleasures". FML

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By ddeit - New Zealand

Today, I was having a chat with a customer. He asked if I was married, to which I replied, "No." Before I could say anything else, he said, "Thought so. You look too happy to be married." I was about to mention that I just got engaged. FML

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By dimtsis - Australia

Today, I had to go to counselling as my mother thinks I have an eating disorder. All because I didn't want to eat the crap supermarket lasagna she bought for $2. FML

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By David - United States - London

Today, my boss found out I had applied for a much better paying job. He told me I'd do a better job and make more money there. Then he fired me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my daughter learned that if she rips a toy out of its package in front of a store employee, mommy will be forced to buy it. She now has two new toys today. FML

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Top comments

By FernandoTorres_fml | 0

#816291 - Monday 1 February 2010 20:06

THE CAT BURGLAR STRIKES AGAIN.

By McCannCanTriple | 0

#816284 - Monday 1 February 2010 20:04

At least you didn't call the cops.

COMMENTS

By JERKKMONKEY | 0

#816260 - Monday 1 February 2010 19:59

rofl wow

Reply

igetinyourpants | 0

#816346 - Monday 1 February 2010 20:18

first

Reply

igetinyourpants | 0

#816374 - Monday 1 February 2010 20:25

what a dumb ass nigger is OP

Reply

BeautifulDawn | 0

#816431 - Monday 1 February 2010 20:42

Ever heard of grammar?

Reply

mfmylifesrsly | 29

#816432 - Monday 1 February 2010 20:42

wow your cat must be fat if his movement sounds like human footsteps. my cats' do :D

Reply

MrPresidentBoss1 | 0

#816497 - Monday 1 February 2010 21:05

Hey look I tagged onto the first comment so everyone can read what I said.

Reply

Americon187 | 0

#816512 - Monday 1 February 2010 21:14

dip shit

Reply

Gumblebum100 | 0

#816564 - Monday 1 February 2010 21:43

yea ... wow

Reply

hennessey | 0

#816616 - Monday 1 February 2010 22:06

Hey, wow! Did you want a cookie?

Reply

Shystai | 0

#817768 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 5:13

YDI for having a cat. Why not a rabbit? Dog?Rat? Kangaroo? Ostrich? Giraffe? Antelope?Cow? Chicken? Duck? Frog? Zebra? Last but not least, a platypus?

Reply

nigranathan | 0

#821135 - Wednesday 3 February 2010 8:17

lol

Reply

salvadordali22 | 1

#847146 - Friday 12 February 2010 5:08

rofl!

Reply

pingpongpickle | 8

#1024154 - Tuesday 8 June 2010 19:42

hahah. zebra.

Reply

fmyinternet | 13

#6682324 - Friday 2 September 2016 6:01

What about a elephant? Cow? Goldfish? Red fish? Blue fish? One fish? Or maybe even two fish?

By palasarop | 0

#816261 - Monday 1 February 2010 19:59

1st!!

Reply

infernofalcon | 0

#816267 - Monday 1 February 2010 20:01

your avatar adaquately describes you.

Reply

JERKKMONKEY | 0

#816271 - Monday 1 February 2010 20:01

fail.

Reply

lolpwntdumass | 0

#816801 - Monday 1 February 2010 23:40

lmao

Reply

Quidikic | 9

#1396110 - Monday 13 September 2010 3:56

SECOND

my fail was equal to his

Reply

m0tl3ycru3 | 0

#3533375 - Thursday 3 November 2011 0:19

2-nobody gives a fuck

By infernofalcon | 0

#816262 - Monday 1 February 2010 19:59

smooth.

By icanspellgud | 0

#816273 - Monday 1 February 2010 20:02

ninth

Reply

airforce987 | 20

#816278 - Monday 1 February 2010 20:04

fail

Reply

icanspellgud | 0

#816298 - Monday 1 February 2010 20:09

win

By Voltage_fml | 0

#816281 - Monday 1 February 2010 20:04

I would piss myself.

By McCannCanTriple | 0

#816284 - Monday 1 February 2010 20:04

At least you didn't call the cops.

By FernandoTorres_fml | 0

#816291 - Monday 1 February 2010 20:06

THE CAT BURGLAR STRIKES AGAIN.

Reply

UnearthlyEnemy | 9

#816355 - Monday 1 February 2010 20:21

funny

Reply

joshhh11 | 0

#816695 - Monday 1 February 2010 22:52

lame

Reply

8trickster8 | 0

#817311 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 2:28

mediocre

Reply

BoostaRoosta | 0

#817524 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 3:56

amateur

Reply

ShadowzI | 0

#818105 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 8:00

shup da whoop

By Averizzle | 0

#816305 - Monday 1 February 2010 20:10

Your cat wanted crack and was about to mug you when you came down. What do you do? You gain wrist control and pull out your gun.

Reply

cowgod | 0

#816320 - Monday 1 February 2010 20:13

Hahahahahaha! best comment

Reply

jonnyapples | 7

#1402335 - Tuesday 14 September 2010 5:56

I love that video

By himynameis27 | 0

#816307 - Monday 1 February 2010 20:11

that's what you get for owning a cat. most disgusting and pathetic animal ever.

Reply

Cthulu | 0

#816461 - Monday 1 February 2010 20:53

GTF OFF THE INTERNET

Reply

bluesclues72 | 0

#817283 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 2:15

yes I agree. cats should be wiped off the face of the earth

Reply

MF12 | 0

#817602 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 4:20

jerks

Reply

MF12 | 0

#817613 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 4:22

you know that's what caused the black plague? the people thougt cats were evil and witchy and stuff so they killed a lot. there was no natural predator for the rats anymore, so they multiplied and started getting infected.... and then 1/3 of the population was wiped out. yay!

By tehantone | 0

#816318 - Monday 1 February 2010 20:12

pretty clumsy move..

Reply

inangel | 0

#816706 - Monday 1 February 2010 22:58

lol