Animals: Today, I heard the sound of footsteps in the basement. Thinking... - FML

By dontbadouche - Senegal

Today, I heard the sound of footsteps in the basement. Thinking it was burglars I grabbed a baseball bat and hurried down the stairs. I then tripped on the stairs, fell down them and smacked my head on the bat. The sound of footsteps I heard? It was my cat playing in some cardboard boxes. FML

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Family values

Serious times

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By ManinBlack - Canada

Today, after months of looking forward to my new fencing lessons and speculating endlessly about the people who might be in my class, I went to my first lesson. I was the only one who showed up. FML

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By noantiquesforme - United States - Santa Clara

Today, an old man walked up to me, said, "Hey missy, you wanna see an antique?" and winked. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was on a double date at a restaurant with two friends of mine and a guy I really liked. Things started getting really quiet so I decided to start talking to make things a little bit less awkward even though I was eating. I ended up spitting a piece of chicken across the table. FML

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By Andrea - 4/1/2021 16:59

Misinformation

Today, my brother-in-law declared he does not want to be vaccinated against Covid, because his friend, who is a nurse, told him it could make him impotent. Can please someone remove her from the health system? FML

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By Crispy - United States

Today, my girlfriend talked me into tanning in a tanning bed for the first time ever. I have never tanned before and didn't know you are supposed to ease into it. I tanned for 15 minutes in the "super bed" and have lobstered. My ass and nuts got the worst of it. FML

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By jab43 - United States

Today, after returning home from a camping trip, I found a leech on my love spuds. I ended up having to call my dad in to help me get it off. FML

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By nothingisreal69 - Reserved

Today, as I was driving home from work, a bird decided to commit suicide by flying in front of my car. The shock caused me to slam on the brakes, totaling three other cars in the process. FML

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By corleon198425 - United States

Today, I was walking to work, when I slipped and landed on my tail bone. Worse still, my hot coffee went flying into my face. I currently can't see out of my left eye. FML

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By Jman212 - United States - New Braunfels

Today, my work-mandated anger management therapist gave me some sage advice: "Get a new job." FML

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By Kay

Today, at the register, I got a spontaneous nose bleed. The lady behind the counter apparently didn't do well with blood. Her face turned white, she passed out and fell with her head on the counter. FML

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By IDPlease

Today my job started requiring all transactions regarding cigarettes or alcohol to have the ID scanned before proceeding. There is no way yo bypass this function. I carded a 60 year old man and his 40 year old son who both yelled at me for 10 minutes. FML

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By Eddy

Today, I was let go at work. About 2 years ago, we had hired an eager-to-learn "assistant" for me. When they canned me, they let me know that I should've trained him faster so I could've been fired sooner. FML

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By Rehab - United States

Today, I was looking through my computer's history to find a website I had visited. I found an online forum where my son was discussing how to inject Oxycontin. FML

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By welp - United States - Belton

Today, I was making a homemade pizza for myself. I've been unhappy lately, so I arranged the pepperoni in the shape of a smiley face to cheer myself up. The pizza burned. FML

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By FMBs - Puerto Rico - Guaynabo

Don't listen to Cosmo

Today, my girlfriend got the brilliant idea of trying out a sex tip dreamed up by one of the glorified trolls at Cosmo. I think my balls are broken beyond repair. FML

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By Sash - United Kingdom

Today, I dressed up for a date. After waiting for hours, sending countless texts and voice mails to my date, and thinking I'd been stood up, I remembered my date is actually scheduled for tomorrow. FML

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By Bobby

Today, I went to a bone and joint specialist because of excruciating back pain. Before the examination, the doctor told me that the possible reasons for the pain could be arthritis, sciatica, or scoliosis. After the examination, I found out that I have all three. FML

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By chuffberry - United States - Raleigh

Today, I finally saw a dermatologist due to my unusually severe acne. Now I know I actually have a rare disorder that makes me allergic to my own acne. FML

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By Venus - United States - La Crescenta

Today, upon being asked to name all the planets, I had to sing along to a Lady Gaga song in my head to remember them. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me she wanted get to know my mom, so they went off and had a chat. After an hour, I noticed my girlfriend was gone and my mom was waiting for me. Apparently I've been dumped through my mother. FML

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By BrakesNotBumpers - United States - Reading

Today, I was rear-ended. While I was yelling, "WHAT THE F..." the lady who hit me completely freaked out and drove into me again. Twice. FML

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By SallyGeen - United Kingdom

Today, at a fancy dress party, I got off with Hitler. FML

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By Tori - United States

Today, I discovered in my house a drawer full of chocolates, cookies and baked goods. When I asked my sister what the drawer was, she told me that my mom thought it would be a good idea to hide the fattening foods from me. My entire family had known about the food drawer except me. FML

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By fearofzombies - United States

Today, before I went to bed, I watched a terrifying movie with zombies. I woke up with a headache, a bloody nose, and my mom standing over me frantically asking me what was wrong. Apparently I had been "fighting the zombies off" in my sleep and had been punching myself in the face. FML

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By zbaby - United States

Today, a little girl at work was coloring a picture that said "Best Dad" on it. Wanting to be nice I asked her if she was making it for her dad for father's day. She looked at me with a sad face and said, "I don't have a dad..." FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland

Today, I cycled 30 minutes through hail and rain to get my pregnant girlfriend the crisps she was craving. When I made it back, she didn't want them anymore. FML

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By anon - United Kingdom - Ely

Today, when I went over a bump, I was assaulted by a badly-fitted bicycle seat. I've been walking like John Wayne all afternoon. FML

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By poorcollegestudent - Canada

Today, I went to my university bookstore and tried to use my debit card to pay, but got the "Insufficient Funds" notification. I was buying a single postage stamp, which costs 57 cents. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, someone put dog turds underneath all the decorative reindeers' butts in my front yard. The chief suspect is my curmudgeonly, holidays-hating fuckball of a neighbor. Last week he repositioned them in very suggestive poses. FML

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By Uglyshirts - South Africa

Today, I was the first one to wear the ugly corporate shirts we received. The people in my office-all of them guys were all saying that it looked a lot better than they thought it would. Later that day I went to the toilet and saw the shirt gapes open in front and you could see my boobs. FML

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By sarabellekitty

Relaxed

Today, I was having really great sex with my boyfriend. I was on top and he seemed like he was really enjoying it. Then, I realized he'd fallen asleep. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I spent six hours at the ER. Why? My husband dared our seventeen-year-old son to recreate a 'Jackass' trolley-hedge diving stunt at the local supermarket. What wasn't on my groceries list was a broken arm, fractured wrist, whiplash and cuts and bruises. FML

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By Cats...FML - Australia

Today, it's my sister's birthday. My parents got her a cat. I have serious allergies when it comes to cats. When I brought this issue up with my parents, they replied, "This day is not about you, it's about your sister." I can feel my throat tightening already. FML

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By Sleeeeeep - France

Today, I had to tell my doctor the real reason why I can't sleep at night for him to prescribe me anymore Ambien: I still have the irrational fear that there are monsters in the closet. I'm 22. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/6/2020 20:08

Sharing is caring

Today, when he came back to bed, I asked my flatmate who I've been sleeping since the start of lockdown, whether he had washed his hands after going to pee. He said he barely touched his dick, so he didn't need to. He likes putting his fingers in my mouth when we have sex. FML

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By Peter - United States

Today, we found out where our daughter had been hiding her crayons. We also found out why our stereo stopped working. FML

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By embarrassed - United States - Garden Grove

Today, I was in church. During the prayer, I moved my foot and it pressed against the automatic button on my umbrella causing it to suddenly open. As if that wasn't bad enough, I screamed simultaneously at the shock. FML

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By LockandKey - United States

Today, everyone at school was talking about some guy that did another girl while he was going out with someone. I started to spread the rumor myself, until someone told me that that guy was my boyfriend. The other girl was my best friend. FML

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By Sad - United States

Today, my house got broken into. My brand new laptop was stolen, along with my flatscreen TV, digital camera, external hard drive and some clothes. Wanting to drown my sorrows in the Ben and Jerry's Phish Food ice cream in the freezer, I opened the door to find that it too had been stolen. FML

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By seminole711 - United States

Today, I put my sexiest lingerie on, lit candles, put some sensual music on, and got my bed ready to surprise my boyfriend when he came home. I positioned myself in the sexiest pose possible. He came home and didn't come in my room for 20 minutes because of a football game. FML

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Top comments

By FernandoTorres_fml | 0

#816291 - Monday 1 February 2010 20:06

THE CAT BURGLAR STRIKES AGAIN.

By McCannCanTriple | 0

#816284 - Monday 1 February 2010 20:04

At least you didn't call the cops.

COMMENTS

By JERKKMONKEY | 0

#816260 - Monday 1 February 2010 19:59

rofl wow

Reply

igetinyourpants | 0

#816346 - Monday 1 February 2010 20:18

first

Reply

igetinyourpants | 0

#816374 - Monday 1 February 2010 20:25

what a dumb ass nigger is OP

Reply

BeautifulDawn | 0

#816431 - Monday 1 February 2010 20:42

Ever heard of grammar?

Reply

mfmylifesrsly | 29

#816432 - Monday 1 February 2010 20:42

wow your cat must be fat if his movement sounds like human footsteps. my cats' do :D

Reply

MrPresidentBoss1 | 0

#816497 - Monday 1 February 2010 21:05

Hey look I tagged onto the first comment so everyone can read what I said.

Reply

Americon187 | 0

#816512 - Monday 1 February 2010 21:14

dip shit

Reply

Gumblebum100 | 0

#816564 - Monday 1 February 2010 21:43

yea ... wow

Reply

hennessey | 0

#816616 - Monday 1 February 2010 22:06

Hey, wow! Did you want a cookie?

Reply

Shystai | 0

#817768 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 5:13

YDI for having a cat. Why not a rabbit? Dog?Rat? Kangaroo? Ostrich? Giraffe? Antelope?Cow? Chicken? Duck? Frog? Zebra? Last but not least, a platypus?

Reply

nigranathan | 0

#821135 - Wednesday 3 February 2010 8:17

lol

Reply

salvadordali22 | 1

#847146 - Friday 12 February 2010 5:08

rofl!

Reply

pingpongpickle | 8

#1024154 - Tuesday 8 June 2010 19:42

hahah. zebra.

Reply

fmyinternet | 13

#6682324 - Friday 2 September 2016 6:01

What about a elephant? Cow? Goldfish? Red fish? Blue fish? One fish? Or maybe even two fish?

By palasarop | 0

#816261 - Monday 1 February 2010 19:59

1st!!

Reply

infernofalcon | 0

#816267 - Monday 1 February 2010 20:01

your avatar adaquately describes you.

Reply

JERKKMONKEY | 0

#816271 - Monday 1 February 2010 20:01

fail.

Reply

lolpwntdumass | 0

#816801 - Monday 1 February 2010 23:40

lmao

Reply

Quidikic | 9

#1396110 - Monday 13 September 2010 3:56

SECOND

my fail was equal to his

Reply

m0tl3ycru3 | 0

#3533375 - Thursday 3 November 2011 0:19

2-nobody gives a fuck

By infernofalcon | 0

#816262 - Monday 1 February 2010 19:59

smooth.

By icanspellgud | 0

#816273 - Monday 1 February 2010 20:02

ninth

Reply

airforce987 | 20

#816278 - Monday 1 February 2010 20:04

fail

Reply

icanspellgud | 0

#816298 - Monday 1 February 2010 20:09

win

By Voltage_fml | 0

#816281 - Monday 1 February 2010 20:04

I would piss myself.

By McCannCanTriple | 0

#816284 - Monday 1 February 2010 20:04

At least you didn't call the cops.

By FernandoTorres_fml | 0

#816291 - Monday 1 February 2010 20:06

THE CAT BURGLAR STRIKES AGAIN.

Reply

UnearthlyEnemy | 9

#816355 - Monday 1 February 2010 20:21

funny

Reply

joshhh11 | 0

#816695 - Monday 1 February 2010 22:52

lame

Reply

8trickster8 | 0

#817311 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 2:28

mediocre

Reply

BoostaRoosta | 0

#817524 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 3:56

amateur

Reply

ShadowzI | 0

#818105 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 8:00

shup da whoop

By Averizzle | 0

#816305 - Monday 1 February 2010 20:10

Your cat wanted crack and was about to mug you when you came down. What do you do? You gain wrist control and pull out your gun.

Reply

cowgod | 0

#816320 - Monday 1 February 2010 20:13

Hahahahahaha! best comment

Reply

jonnyapples | 7

#1402335 - Tuesday 14 September 2010 5:56

I love that video

By himynameis27 | 0

#816307 - Monday 1 February 2010 20:11

that's what you get for owning a cat. most disgusting and pathetic animal ever.

Reply

Cthulu | 0

#816461 - Monday 1 February 2010 20:53

GTF OFF THE INTERNET

Reply

bluesclues72 | 0

#817283 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 2:15

yes I agree. cats should be wiped off the face of the earth

Reply

MF12 | 0

#817602 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 4:20

jerks

Reply

MF12 | 0

#817613 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 4:22

you know that's what caused the black plague? the people thougt cats were evil and witchy and stuff so they killed a lot. there was no natural predator for the rats anymore, so they multiplied and started getting infected.... and then 1/3 of the population was wiped out. yay!

By tehantone | 0

#816318 - Monday 1 February 2010 20:12

pretty clumsy move..

Reply

inangel | 0

#816706 - Monday 1 February 2010 22:58

lol