Intimacy: Today, I heard some gossip at school about a weird kid who supposedly... - FML

Nearly

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34

You deserved it 3

27/09/2021 06:27

Today, I have to get up and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54

You deserved it 97

Spicy

Spicy

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Spicy

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 428

You deserved it 68

Grind mindset

By MyStomachHurts - 15/10/2021 05:00

Spicy

Today, my boss wrote me up for taking too many bathroom breaks. I tried calling in sick with a bad case of indigestion, but he told me to just power through it because, "it can't possibly be that bad." I have been in severe, persistent discomfort the whole damn day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 476

You deserved it 35

04/02/2016 14:53

Spicy

Today, I heard some gossip at school about a weird kid who supposedly jerks off at every house he visits. They were talking about my brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 588

You deserved it 1 826

Sorry…

Mama's boy

You're Gonna Miss Me When I'm Gone

16/04/2014 00:20

Today, our family went to a water park. The park's mascot came up to greet us, and my daughter got scared. She then refused to go inside, so we had no choice but to leave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 976

You deserved it 5 793

Lightweight

By Sorry babe - 29/11/2020 08:02

Today, I went out for drinks for the first since I stopped breastfeeding. I underestimated how low my tolerance had become and how strong the drinks were. My husband was stopped by two bouncers while trying to carry me to the car. They thought he'd drugged me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 842

You deserved it 197

Metal

By TiredBird - 05/09/2021 17:01

Today, I'm exhausted. My neighbours across the street had an argument about loud metal music. After a threat of, "Turn the heavy metal off or I’ll burn your house down," the music changed to Katy Perry’s "Firebird". For two hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 762

You deserved it 138

15/08/2010 17:24

Today, a wasp stung my nipple. Twice. The swelling makes it look like I'm growing a third breast. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 669

You deserved it 4 273

18/06/2012 11:38

Today, my grandmother threatened to kill herself with a banana. She then got angry with me when I didn't attempt to get the banana away from her. My mom punished me because I didn't take the situation seriously enough. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 318

You deserved it 3 376

22/11/2014 03:26

Today, I went to the doctor's with my pregnant sister, only to find out she still weighs less than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 386

You deserved it 7 958

08/06/2012 23:44

Today, I was napping when my little brother cut off huge chunks of my hair. He thought it would turn me into the older brother he always wanted. He's 8. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 907

You deserved it 2 101

23/12/2016 02:31

Today, my $200 drone malfunctioned and wouldn't stop. For fifteen minutes I followed it on my bike until it finally disappeared. On the way back I was pulled over for not wearing a helmet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 970

You deserved it 1 784

13/09/2010 01:38

Today, I told my 3 year old daughter to behave or I'd spank her. She looked right at me and said "Bring it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 303

You deserved it 31 350

07/02/2016 07:49

Today, while working third shift alone at a gas station, I had to deal with a crazy guy tripping balls and asking me if it was okay to bring a gun into the place. I don't get paid nearly enough for this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 245

You deserved it 1 583

25/06/2016 02:31

Today, I got in a huge fight with my pregnant wife because I cannot consent to naming our future daughter Paprika. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 488

You deserved it 1 338

16/05/2011 04:37

Today, I had a mumbled conversation with myself in a supermarket aisle about whether or not to buy a bottle of bourbon. Nothing screams "pathetic loser" like an alcoholic in denial having a debate with himself out loud near strangers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 937

You deserved it 31 974

08/09/2016 04:54

Today, after attending lectures for months, studying for weeks, and spending hours writing a 15-page research paper, I was informed that due to technological issues during registration, I was not enrolled in the class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 854

You deserved it 1 225

21/01/2011 15:13

Today, I braved the winter weather conditions to get to a clinic for a prescription anti-diarrhea medication. When I arrived to find it closed, I turned around to walk to my car where I slipped on the ice. The impact made me simultaneously bruise my elbow and shit myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 525

You deserved it 3 613

11/10/2016 13:41

Today, I narrowly avoided a head-on collision in the parking garage. The other driver cussed me out. It's a one-way route through the parking garage, and I was going the right way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 804

You deserved it 1 514

01/04/2009 05:15

Today, my dad was on the couch and I sat down next to him. As I was reading a text message, I saw my dad's fat stomach sticking out so I patted it. After the first two pats, I realized I was patting in the wrong place. I patted the family jewels. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 398

You deserved it 80 123

09/12/2012 15:29

Today, I came home to find all of the wood in my house either broken or gone. On the now legless table there was a note from my mother, saying that she needed the wood to build a boat, and that I will thank her when the world ends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 956

You deserved it 1 945

06/09/2018 22:24

Today, I went to a support group for my porn addiction. I was hoping I wouldn't recognize anyone there. The first person I recognized was my dad, and the second was one of my professors. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 851

You deserved it 449

28/10/2013 22:39

Today, my professor tried to scare the hiccups out of me. Some pee came out instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 432

You deserved it 4 238

29/06/2009 19:55

Today, I got beaten up by my ex-girlfriend's older brother who does mixed martial arts, because my ex saw me making out with another girl. We broke up over 6 months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 851

You deserved it 5 026

On a leash

By thanks sis - 29/08/2020 10:52

Today, my best friend and I were supposed to meet up at an outdoor beer garden. We’ve both had a hard time with quarantine, so it was a great escape. Instead, she kept me waiting for nearly two hours before I finally left. Her excuse? Her boyfriend, who she sees every day, really wanted to have sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 784

You deserved it 155

10/11/2009 05:24

Today, I was on my back porch having a cigarette. Not being all that awake yet, I threw the butt, still smoldering, on the ground. Did I remember that there was an ashtray right next to me? No. I did what I would do at work: I stamped it out. Barefoot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 796

You deserved it 53 750

02/03/2009 17:28

Today, while driving my kids to school, my son said, "Why don't you find another place to live, so we can just live with daddy?" Then my daughter added, "Yeah, 'cause we LOVE Daddy." FML

I agree, your life sucks 83 242

You deserved it 8 458

10/04/2011 06:50

Today, my head has been killing me. I've had the worst headache ever. Happy that I could finally sleep, I plopped onto my bed and bashed my head on the wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 052

You deserved it 10 768

02/11/2010 23:34

Today, my marriage counselor told me I have the communication skills of a Lou Gehrig's patient. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 218

You deserved it 17 026

Grief is weird

By Denni - 03/10/2021 08:00

Today, my sister called me a selfish cow, all because I wouldn’t let her have a portion of my daughter’s life insurance check so she can go on a shopping spree. She’s more upset about that than her niece passing way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 885

You deserved it 44

02/02/2013 11:21

Today, a male employee at a shoe shop helped me try on shoes. Once I found a pair, I went to pay for them. I was telling the cashier about how great of an employee he was when she told me there were no male employees. A guy with a foot fetish helped me find shoes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 426

You deserved it 4 549

06/07/2013 07:45

Today, I found out why my bank balance is so unusually low. It turns out that I bought a car in Indonesia. I've never been to Indonesia. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 695

You deserved it 3 530

06/03/2017 04:00

Today, our cat died. My husband and I had a touching bonding moment together. Our relationship has been strained for months, and I thought this could bring us closer. He decided to bring up politics. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 898

You deserved it 577

02/11/2018 13:30

Today, when I got back to my bedroom, I found my cat had left not one, not two, but four dead lizards for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 290

You deserved it 357

22/09/2015 13:24

Today, my company let me go after 3 months. A day before my wedding and with zero advance notice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 296

You deserved it 1 585

21/05/2016 11:51

Today, after I skipped dessert for the third day in a row, my mom cornered me and accused me of being anorexic. I'm actually not far off being clinically obese and I'm just trying to diet, but nothing I say will convince her. She wants me to see a psychiatrist about a disorder I don't even have. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 207

You deserved it 799

11/06/2012 20:44

Today, I woke up to a weird feeling on my face. Thinking it was a bug, I slapped at it. It was my freshly-inserted nose ring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 229

You deserved it 34 999

28/05/2012 13:55

Today, I got a $20 tip from an old lady I delivered pizza to. Ecstatic, I walked back to my car where there was a $30 parking fine waiting for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 715

You deserved it 8 879

18/06/2009 07:17

Spicy

Today, I saw myself in a 'girls gone wild' ad with another girl. So did my mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 128

You deserved it 119 105

Workers rise up!

By Anonymous - 29/07/2021 08:01

Today, I found out that, despite working 4 part-time jobs, that I will not qualify for maternity leave by my due date with the mandatory 600 hours. I can't get full-time work and I'm 8 months pregnant now. This'll be fun! FML

I agree, your life sucks 859

You deserved it 135

04/11/2009 05:18

Today, I totalled my car. I flipped it over on the freeway and broke my collarbone in the process. I was in extreme pain and unable to move. It took the ambulance an hour to get there in rush hour traffic. The song repeating on my iPod was, "Don't Worry, be Happy." FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 041

You deserved it 5 583

06/04/2011 01:52

Today, I was cleaning my bathroom, and accidentally spilled bleach, ruining my shower curtain, rugs, and towels. While attempting to wipe up the bleach, I knocked over a bottle of shower cleaner. It read, "WARNING: DO NOT MIX WITH BLEACH." I still can't go in the house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 374

You deserved it 11 764

All in the Family

By weedvocate - 25/03/2020 14:02

Today, my mother brought home dinner for 4 people. I was not one of those people. The dog, however, was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 681

You deserved it 126

Alexa, play "Isolation" by Joy Division

By Anonymous - 06/11/2020 22:56

Today, I jokingly said to my coworker, "God, what I wouldn't do for a week off work." I was then tested positive for COVID fifteen minutes later. FML

I agree, your life sucks 798

You deserved it 424

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

Send a private message

Friday 5 February 2016 1:06

Let's hope it's just gossip...

Warmonger_Smurf 29

Send a private message

Friday 5 February 2016 1:40

Did he also do it in a drug test cup?

Comments

Send a private message

Friday 5 February 2016 1:06

Let's hope it's just gossip...

kred 21

Send a private message

Friday 5 February 2016 1:07

Giggity......

Send a private message

Friday 5 February 2016 3:04

with all these downvotes, looks like you're getting shrekt

Dale_shackleford 13

Send a private message

Friday 5 February 2016 4:34

At least your pun is ogre

Thoricsteam20 24

Send a private message

Friday 5 February 2016 1:09

They're all a couple of jerk offs

Send a private message

Friday 5 February 2016 4:05

They're all two jerk offs?

Send a private message

Friday 5 February 2016 1:12

I've heard of peeing to mark your territory. Not much different from jerking of really.

Send a private message

Friday 5 February 2016 2:38

.... What??

Send a private message

Friday 5 February 2016 21:05

OP's brother is trynna mark his territory.

isuckwithnames 22

Send a private message

Friday 5 February 2016 1:18

It Takes balls to do jerk off in every house you visit.

heartofhannah 28

Send a private message

Friday 5 February 2016 4:26

You tried

Send a private message

Friday 5 February 2016 1:19

Is your brother a hound dog by any Chance?

LyricaSilvan 29

Send a private message

Friday 5 February 2016 1:39

I think you mean "horn dog."

Send a private message

Friday 5 February 2016 1:20

You might want to warn your brother about those rumors

Send a private message

Friday 5 February 2016 1:20

Probably happens a lot in Georgia

Send a private message

Friday 5 February 2016 1:36

there's a kid named Ben that jacks off everywhere just hope it's not him

nerovetsrethca 20

Send a private message

Friday 5 February 2016 1:40

I hope it's just a rumor. But maybe tell or ask your brother about it. Rumors most of the time start with something little and gets bigger and faker everytime its passing someone.