Intimacy: Today, I heard some gossip at school about a weird kid who supposedly... - FML

By concernedsis - United States - Atlanta

Today, I heard some gossip at school about a weird kid who supposedly jerks off at every house he visits. They were talking about my brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25554

You deserved it

1825

Tweet

Share

Serious times

Good news

Carless whisper

By imalilangel05 - United States

Today, I was tutoring kids at an elementary school. One kid messed up my hair. I said, "Why'd you do that??" He said, "I have lice, now you have lice too!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

102026

You deserved it

5773

Tweet

Share

By InDeepBlue

Today, I took the bus home from work for the first time in my life. It was pretty crowded, so I immediately sat in an empty seat. Then, I felt something wet. It was puke. A lot of it, in fact. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1562

You deserved it

395

Tweet

Share

By hot_mess88 - United States

Today, I got called to a biker bar to break up a fight between my parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52980

You deserved it

2569

Tweet

Share

By clutzasaurus - United States - Odessa

Today, I was feeling down about being stuck in bed after ankle surgery. I thought I would go ahead and call my boss and let him know everything went well. He said the obligatory nice things, then told me that if I'm not at work on Monday, I'll be fired. I can't even get out of bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49622

You deserved it

3419

Tweet

Share

By Jedi - United States

Today, after class, my teacher pulled me aside and said "You know, I never received the e-mail regarding your disabilities that your parents mentioned. Could you have them resend it?" What disabilities? FML

I agree, your life sucks

54212

You deserved it

2721

Tweet

Share

By DrakeScott - United States

Today, I completed the arduous, nearly hour-long process of answering the eHarmony dating questionnaire, only to be told my answers were too "unique" for them to match me with anyone. I had chosen "the world" as my distance range. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39897

You deserved it

5821

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, while waiting on the platform, a blind man asked out loud for some help getting into the subway car. I helped him through the doors and into a seat. I decided to sit down as well. Twenty minutes later, I realized I was on the wrong subway line. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27632

You deserved it

6889

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Newtown

Today, I was at my friend's Bar Mitzvah. After he finished his long-winded speech, I sarcastically did the mockingjay sign from the Hunger Games. It took a couple of seconds before I realized how that looked, and a couple more for me to be shouted down and kicked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18575

You deserved it

34774

Tweet

Share

By aninc - United States - Boise

Today, I found out that a strong orgasm can trigger my girlfriend's PTSD. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2256

You deserved it

214

Tweet

Share

By anonymous - United Kingdom - Oxford

Today, while riding my bike in the rain to a counselling appointment about my depression, my shoelace came untied and got caught around my pedal, causing me to go flying off my bike directly in a huge muddy puddle right in front of a busy street of people. No one offered to help me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19018

You deserved it

1677

Tweet

Share

By Rose - United States - Tenino

Today, I was at the mall with my friend. A lady came up to us and told my friend that she could be a model. Then the lady looked at me and said, "Oh... Nice shoes." FML

I agree, your life sucks

28459

You deserved it

2642

Tweet

Share

By taob - China - Nanning

Today, I was walking up some stairs, and I told the guy in front of me to be careful, as the handrail was loose and well-worn. I then put my hand on it, and promptly fell backwards down the stairs with a piece of handrail still in my hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21307

You deserved it

6428

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, a completely drunk girl walked across the bar and punched me in the face because I was wearing the same dress as her, and her boyfriend said it looked better on me. While I was screaming at her for being a stupid bitch, she puked all over me, wiped her mouth and laughed before she passed out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

67000

You deserved it

4684

Tweet

Share

By whatswrongwithit?:( - United States - Chicago

Today, as my girlfriend and I were making out, I slowly took my clothes off and revealed my body to her for the first time. She looked, smiled, and said reassuringly, "Aww, don't worry. I know how it's supposed to look." FML

I agree, your life sucks

33317

You deserved it

3617

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, I got dressed, did my hair, carefully applied my makeup, sprayed myself with perfume, grabbed my bag and put on my coat. I got to the door, and then realised that I had nowhere to go, nothing to do and none of my friends were answering my calls. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1394

You deserved it

482

Tweet

Share

By Bambi113 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, my "friends" and I were supposed to go out to eat to celebrate finishing the last day of school, but with a full day of work first, I decided to go buy them donuts. They decided to ditch me while I was gone, and go early. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12862

You deserved it

904

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Revere

Today, my brother set me up on a blind date. I've been single for years and he said she was a perfect match for me, so I was excited. Turned out the fucker was playing a prank. The girl was my sister, who was just as surprised as I was. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15245

You deserved it

1091

Tweet

Share

By J - United States

Today, at lunch I ordered a coke. The waiter replied "diet coke?" and I corrected him saying, "No, regular coke." He shook his head and said again, "diet coke." FML

I agree, your life sucks

54081

You deserved it

8799

Tweet

Share

By Paul Williams - United States

Today, I had my first hockey game after being out with a shoulder injury. I ended up cracking my tail bone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34293

You deserved it

4461

Tweet

Share

By Alexman1985

Today, while paying a $60 tab on drinks for a girl, a guy grabs the money-clip out of my hand and runs. I start to chase after him; the girl trips me, then runs after him. The bartender calls the cops; not to catch the thieves, but to report me for not paying. FML

I agree, your life sucks

58016

You deserved it

4962

Tweet

Share

By plzstop - United States - West Lafayette

Today, I'm a college student. Just like every other goddamn day, my roommate set about twenty alarms a good two hours before she even needs to get up. She just sleeps through the first hour or so of alarms while I wake up. I've been waking up at 6 a.m., even though my first classes are at 9. FML.

I agree, your life sucks

14462

You deserved it

1330

Tweet

Share

By MonCoiffeurAdoré

Today, I caught my stylist in the mirror attempting to get his colleague to laugh by spitting on my head while washing my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34909

You deserved it

2116

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 6/3/2021 11:02

Worst threesome ever

Today, I finally got pulled into a threesome with the girl I've loved for years and another friend. She led the interaction with, "You only get to touch her" then, "I just wish [her ex] was here" and finished with, "OK, it's weird with you here, you can just go." FML

I agree, your life sucks

477

You deserved it

105

Tweet

Share

By stupidgirlll - United States

Today, I was excited about showing off my new haircut. All my friends thought it looked really good and it made me look older. What did my boyfriend think? He said I look like a little girl and he was afraid to kiss me in public because he didn't want someone to think he was a pedophile. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48123

You deserved it

7359

Tweet

Share

By Unreality - United States

Today, I discovered my fiancé has been telling everyone else we are just friends, yet last night he wanted me to go with him to pick up my engagement ring. I'm supposing the wedding will be a surprise to everyone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31931

You deserved it

3544

Tweet

Share

By NoMagicMike - United States - La Crescent

Today, I was assigned to work on a huge project with Michael. Michael refers to himself in the third person, constantly mumbles unintelligibly to himself, doesn't smile, laugh or make eye contact, and refuses to address me directly. I'll be stuck with him for about four months. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24642

You deserved it

2317

Tweet

Share

By myheart75 - Australia

Today, my niece told me to go and find my own friends. She's 2, and I'm 18. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31448

You deserved it

5856

Tweet

Share

By GildedByVices - Australia

Today, on Xmas Eve, my eight-year-old and ten-year-old children and I sat down to watch 'Mr. Stink', an Xmas film about a scruffy, stinky tramp. When he first appeared on screen my children both exclaimed in unison, "He looks like you, dad!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

6305

You deserved it

688

Tweet

Share

By ssydneyy - United States - Lakewood

Today, I was working as a character at an amusement park. I was walking with another character and we went over to a baby girl. She smiled and laughed at my co-worker. When she saw me, she started screaming and crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22938

You deserved it

3002

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 23/10/2020 05:03 - United States

Alexa, play "Boredom" by Buzzcocks

Today, I started the internship of my dreams. The company has nothing for me to do, so I sit and stare at the clock. FML

I agree, your life sucks

951

You deserved it

92

Tweet

Share

By visn - United States

Today, a real estate agent showed my house to some buyers. I found out when I exited the shower, fully nude, to them in the hallway. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45825

You deserved it

5265

Tweet

Share

By bit_fluff - 20/10/2020 02:01

Splashed out

Today, I decided to redye my hair. And the sink, and the wall, and the toilet seat, and the tub. FML

I agree, your life sucks

451

You deserved it

781

Tweet

Share

By swmmr - United States

Today, my dad suggested that as an alternative to buying me new school clothes that actually fit, I should just join the swim team, lose some weight, and wear my stuff from last year. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26368

You deserved it

14053

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Murfreesboro

Today, my pet bunny died. My little sister is distraught and practically suicidal, because apparently she playfully pointed a wand at it a few days ago and said "avada kedavra". She's absolutely convinced that she killed it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38553

You deserved it

3108

Tweet

Share

By Superman - United States - Bellflower

Today, after finishing a test, I decided to draw to pass the time. My teacher looked at the drawing and gave me a referral to the principal for drawing an "anti-Semitic picture." I'd drawn Superman. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24003

You deserved it

1899

Tweet

Share

By wtf fml - United States - Hesperia

Aaand blocked.

Today, I was mourning the recent loss of a close family member. My ex's idea of comforting me was to ask if he could come over so I could “give him some bomb ass head” to take my mind off things. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5312

You deserved it

489

Tweet

Share

By Joey - United States - Apo

Today, I took my girlfriend to her ex boyfriend's apartment for her to exchange his spare car keys for some of her grandmothers items. I waited outside in the parking lot for an hour, with no idea which door was his. She came out no longer a virgin. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18951

You deserved it

2578

Tweet

Share

By dogless - United States

Today, I found my pit bull after three weeks of frantic searching. When we returned home, I put out food and water for him. I went to get him and found him in my room, wagging his tail at me. He had peed on my comforter, freshly folded clothes, and new 60 dollar winter coat. Welcome home, Caine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28091

You deserved it

6600

Tweet

Share

By failingyetagain - United Kingdom - Barrow Upon Soar

Today, I was doing my first shift waitressing in a café. Not an hour in, I'd already spilt tea over somebody and dropped two whole meals. Looks like this won't last much longer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24249

You deserved it

4490

Tweet

Share

By two-hours-to-pick-up - Australia

Today, I was in a fancy department store. I was wearing my travel backpack. I was turning around after paying at the checkout and my backpack hit a metre-tall display covered with necklaces. It went crashing to the floor, hitting another display table laden with jewelry that collapsed under it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29976

You deserved it

10742

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By jen1097 | 25

#6528778 - Friday 5 February 2016 1:06

Let's hope it's just gossip...

By Warmonger_Smurf | 29

#6528820 - Friday 5 February 2016 1:40

Did he also do it in a drug test cup?

COMMENTS

By jen1097 | 25

#6528778 - Friday 5 February 2016 1:06

Let's hope it's just gossip...

By kred | 21

#6528780 - Friday 5 February 2016 1:07

Giggity......

Reply

IAmzephyr | 22

#6528885 - Friday 5 February 2016 3:04

with all these downvotes, looks like you're getting shrekt

Reply

Dale_shackleford | 13

#6528920 - Friday 5 February 2016 4:34

At least your pun is ogre

By Thoricsteam20 | 24

#6528784 - Friday 5 February 2016 1:09

They're all a couple of jerk
offs

Reply

Garrett2818 | 21

#6528905 - Friday 5 February 2016 4:05

They're all two jerk offs?

By chuka81 | 27

#6528788 - Friday 5 February 2016 1:12

I've heard of peeing to mark your territory. Not much different from jerking of really.

Reply

krazy789 | 28

#6528868 - Friday 5 February 2016 2:38

.... What??

Reply

supr_sexy | 9

#6529492 - Friday 5 February 2016 21:05

OP's brother is trynna mark his territory.

By isuckwithnames | 22

#6528797 - Friday 5 February 2016 1:18

It Takes balls to do jerk off in every house you visit.

Reply

heartofhannah | 28

#6528911 - Friday 5 February 2016 4:26

You tried

By weird_adult | 27

#6528798 - Friday 5 February 2016 1:19

Is your brother a hound dog by any Chance?

Reply

LyricaSilvan | 29

#6528817 - Friday 5 February 2016 1:39

I think you mean "horn dog."

By nickie_94 | 18

#6528800 - Friday 5 February 2016 1:20

You might want to warn your brother about those rumors

By silky_mitts | 11

#6528802 - Friday 5 February 2016 1:20

Probably happens a lot in Georgia

By Kaoticwolf | 17

#6528814 - Friday 5 February 2016 1:36

there's a kid named Ben that jacks off everywhere just hope it's not him

By nerovetsrethca | 20

#6528819 - Friday 5 February 2016 1:40

I hope it's just a rumor. But maybe tell or ask your brother about it. Rumors most of the time start with something little and gets bigger and faker everytime its passing someone.