By trailertrashyanditsucks - United States - Porter

Drunk mom

Today, I heard my mom sobbing in the bathroom. Concerned, I went in to see what was wrong. I found her sitting on the toilet, pants down and a cigarette between her fingers. When I asked what was going on, she looked up at me and slurred that we'd run out of "shit-wipes." FML

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Incognito browsing

Trip Advisor says no

Ideal first date

By ks.swan13

Today, I got a call about my dog who went missing a week ago. The guy who called said "We have your dog, but you aren't getting her back." Then he hung up. FML

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By Anonymous

Sad sad sad

Today, I caught two kids passing notes to each other in my class, so I told them to see me afterwards. When one of the kids eventually came up, I noticed he was crying. He looked up at me and sobbed out, "I was trying to make my first friend!" FML

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By WhyMe

Today, at work, a customer was staring at me for a long time. Hoping to break the awkwardness, I asked him what brought him to the store today. He complimented me on my friendly demeanor and then followed up with: "Since you're so friendly, how about coming in the bathroom with me and giving me a hand?" FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I finally got a job so I could stop missing out on going out with my friends every weekend. Turns out I work only Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays, and there's no way around it. FML

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By geewhy - United States - South Park

Today, my boyfriend discovered that if he flicks my clitoris just right, my legs both twitch spastically regardless of arousal level. He thinks it's hilarious and can no longer take sex seriously. FML

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By shecrieseverytimeIremindher - United States - Oregon City

Today, I looked at the revenue from my Etsy shop. After hours and hours of hard work, I was ecstatic to find that I made about $560 so far. That is, until I remembered that it all went to my mom's bank account and I paid all the fees out of my own pocket. And yes, she won't give it back. FML

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By mal - United Kingdom - Chelmsford

Today, I brought my girlfriend home while my parents were at work, and things got a little heated. We lost track of time, because the next thing we knew, my dad burst into the living room. He doubled over laughing and asked how much I paid her. FML

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By uselessdad - Singapore

Today, I came home to my wife crying. She had mixed up our newborn twin girls and couldn't tell which was which. I looked at the girls. Neither could I. FML

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By Anonymous - Zimbabwe

Today, I rushed to a dentist's appointment. Once in the chair, I apologized for not having had the time to brush my teeth beforehand. He responded with, "Ah that's alright, I just took a piss and forgot to wash my hands." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my boyfriend was wearing a new shirt he had bought over the weekend. It was really cute and I always borrow his shirts so I asked to borrow his new one. He replied with, "Okay but please don't stretch this one." FML

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By Nick - United States

Today, I finally beat the song "Through the Fire and Flames" on Guitar Hero 3. I then realized that it was the biggest accomplishment I've ever made in my entire life. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was getting one of the best blow jobs I have ever received. My girlfriend was getting into it when I heard an "uh oh". Her tongue ring got twisted around the hair close to my balls. She started to pull, I started to scream. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bradenton

Today, I was sitting in a bar telling some young dude to accept responsibility for his life choices. I'm over 50 and was spending my last five dollars on beer. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was hanging out at a friend's house. Her adorable 5 year old sister came up, gave me a hug, and said, "You're fat. When are you going home?" FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I'm on a train, feeling good because I got upgraded to first class. The man opposite me just slid me a note saying, "Wee plooky cunt, fuck off!" Charming. FML

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By prevostsrocklike - United States

Today, I gave my wife a cat. The first thing it did when it got out of the box was scratch the sh*t out of my leg. Next, it ran up to my wife and purred. She said, "Good cat." FML

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By effiestonem154 - United States

Today, the Chinese student I've been teaching English to got on stage in front of hundreds of people to read her final essay. She ended with, "What a fucking day." I don't swear, and I no longer have a job. FML

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By deargodthepain - United States

Today, I was singing in the shower but couldn't hit the higher notes. My wife complained and 2 minutes later she ran a tap causing my shower to go freezing. I shrieked. My wife said my pitch was still wrong. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I cracked a rib coughing. FML

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By SF49 - United States

Dingdong

Today, my girlfriend came back from visiting her family. She'd forgotten to take her pills, and decided to "catch up" by taking almost a week's worth of birth control and prescription pills. She's fine, but I had to convince the ER staff that she's not suicidal, just stupid. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I wrote to the guy whom I am in love with how I feel about him. He was very calm and told me to give him some time to think it over. Later in the day, I found out he blocked my number and rejected me on facebook. But, the worse part is he then texted me saying "This is my reply". FML

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By SilverRaven77 - 19/1/2021 23:01

Backwards world

Today, I was fired from my job for wearing a mask. The manager said I must have Covid, since I was the only one wearing a mask and following state mandated orders. I told him, "I'll see you in court!" FML

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By showerpower - United States

Today, while in the shower with my girlfriend she was going on and on about how she thinks she's fat when she's in perfect shape. With what she said still on my mind, I meant to say "honey, you're so beautiful", but accidentally said "honey, you're so fat". I'll be sleeping alone tonight. FML

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By carmelita - Singapore

Today, I was on webcam with my boyfriend. A while later I forgot about it and started digging my nose vigorously. He then beeped me and said "Digging for gold, dear? " FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today, four days after making a $100 bet with my balding, pedo-stache wearing dad over who could get a girlfriend first, he came home and introduced me to his new girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/11/2020 17:02 - United States - Los Angeles

Phantom pooper

Today, all of my roommates were home. I really had to poop all day but the bathroom was being hogged. Once I finally got the chance to go, I guess the toilet didn't flush all the way and I didn't notice. The other roommates loudly asked each other who it was, and they all started loudly taking about me. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/5/2020 14:00

You ass!

Today, my jerk of an ex messaged to apologize for dumping me two weeks ago. I took the high road and was overtly polite and friendly, hoping to end things civil. Our conversation ended when he casually mentioned he is moving in with his new girlfriend. FML

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By arh - Australia - Newport

Today, I wore an expensive vintage blazer which I'd purchased at a market in Paris. Turns out my colleague has the exact same one, only hers is from a clearance rack at Target. FML

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By marsbar - United States

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend and he was moving his hand from his thigh to my chest but on the way he sort of squeezed my stomach. When I asked him why he did that, he told me that "his fingers got stuck under my roll." FML

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By FMeRight? - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boyfriend finally proposed to me in front of his whole family with the ring his mother had helped him pick out. Two hours later, I found emails of nudes from another women that had been sent to him a week prior, on his phone. Our flight for home leaves in a week. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was on the phone with my boyfriend while looking at halloween costumes online for this years halloween party and said, "Maybe we could go as Bonnie and Clyde this year." He said, "Maybe we should go as a broken up couple," and hung up on me. He wasn't kidding. FML

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By sadgirl - United States - Edmond

Today, I brought my boyfriend home to meet my family. The first thing my mom said to him was, “Oh, you can do so much better. Like a paint huffer or a crack whore.” She was serious, and my entire family nodded in agreement. FML

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By Ravhi Karia - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Today, I went to see my ill granddad in hospital. I saw lots of doctors around his bed, and they pronounced him dead, so I ran out crying. A little later, I found out that my granddad had been moved, and it was a different man in his bed. FML

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By Earths_Venus - Australia

Today, I sat for 3 hours at my boyfriend's Christmas celebrations. He has 22 cousins. They open presents one at a time. In silence. I got nothing. FML

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By Brooke - United States

Today, my skin was turning black, and I believed I was reacting to a spider bite. I spent 4 hours waiting in an emergency room in the middle of the night, paid a $100 copay, and missed a night with my boyfriend just to have a doctor wipe dye from my brand new black jeans off with alcohol. FML

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By Mils - Australia - Blackburn

Maternal monitoring

Today, I learned the hard way that my parents leave the baby monitor in my room when my boyfriend stays over. FML

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By YOURMOM - United States

Today, I was at the park feeding nuts to some squirrels. One fell down my shirt and the next thing I know I'm being attacked by a squirrel that looked like it was on steroids. FML

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By liveviathetredmill - United States - New York

Today, I realized that every targeted advertisement on my Facebook involves gym memberships and diet pills. FML

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By sadf4x0r - United Kingdom

Today, I realised my girlfriend is the perfect woman for most men. She only ever talks to me in the intermissions on Modern Warfare 2; shame it's not me playing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were planning how to spend the day together. When I suggested we start off with some fun in bed, then get some pizza and play his favorite video game, he sighed, "Can't we just go straight to gaming?" FML

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Top comments

By \ | 28

#5599863 - Saturday 27 July 2013 2:35

Trailer life, I suppose.

By mangoboy1 | 19

#5599876 - Saturday 27 July 2013 2:37

I also start crying and smoking cigarettes when I run out of TP.

COMMENTS

By \ | 28

#5599863 - Saturday 27 July 2013 2:35

Trailer life, I suppose.

Reply

Sinistra_Blue | 12

#5600192 - Saturday 27 July 2013 6:36

And they just upgraded from an outhouse too.

Reply

mymegangirl | 7

#7804097 - Sunday 19 May 2019 2:48

that's really rude. poor doesn't equal drunk.

By websphere69 | 27

#5599870 - Saturday 27 July 2013 2:36

Sounds like a "shitty" situation to be in

Reply

michelleJ11 | 25

#5599922 - Saturday 27 July 2013 2:53

Overused and not even worth posting anymore.

Reply

\ | 28

#5599945 - Saturday 27 July 2013 3:04

LORD HAVE MERCY, not this again

By Gothicbunnyx3 | 16

#5599871 - Saturday 27 July 2013 2:36

Amurca

Reply

Wakachulak | 22

#5599904 - Saturday 27 July 2013 2:46

Nope, Texus

Reply

Gothicbunnyx3 | 16

#5599912 - Saturday 27 July 2013 2:50

It's not like Texas is in America

Reply

buckerado | 19

#5600076 - Saturday 27 July 2013 4:45

#13-You're an idiot. It is Tejas...pronounced"Tehaaaas"
Trust me I'm a Tejan.

Reply

\ | 28

#5600456 - Saturday 27 July 2013 13:04

When will Sandy come back, #38?

By mangoboy1 | 19

#5599876 - Saturday 27 July 2013 2:37

I also start crying and smoking cigarettes when I run out of TP.

Reply

alycion | 38

#5600249 - Saturday 27 July 2013 7:36

Yes I always make sure there are smokes in my bathroom but never look for tp before sitting down. Priorities.

By HelenLFC | 27

#5599877 - Saturday 27 July 2013 2:37

Nobody likes to run out of "shit wipes"

By redbandit9877 | 12

#5599885 - Saturday 27 July 2013 2:40

Never in a hundred years will anyone remember to put a new roll on.

By Javier6597 | 19

#5599886 - Saturday 27 July 2013 2:40

Well that sucks I'd cry too if I didnt have any shit wipes :'(

By KinkyCurly | 13

#5599888 - Saturday 27 July 2013 2:40

For your sake... Get her some "shit wipes" asap! lol

Reply

patrickalamo | 47

#5599979 - Saturday 27 July 2013 3:29

Don't ask the question if you cannot handle the answer...

By cosicosei | 22

#5599892 - Saturday 27 July 2013 2:42

Can't tell if she means baby wipes or toilet paper... A bit fuzzy

Reply

evilplatypus | 38

#5600062 - Saturday 27 July 2013 4:40

Does it really matter? Either would have gotten the job done.

By noelasis94 | 18

#5599893 - Saturday 27 July 2013 2:42

Sometimes you have to wipe with the hand.

Reply

KinkyCurly | 13

#5599909 - Saturday 27 July 2013 2:47

I do hope you wash your hands with antibacterial soap and the recommended 20 seconds... yeesh :/