Geek: Today, I heard a girl say, "Darth Vader is that black guy from... - FML

By starboi - United States - Weaver

Today, I heard a girl say, "Darth Vader is that black guy from Star Trek, right?" FML

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The smell detective is on the case

Surrounded

Oh, he's a "Nice Guy"

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I nervously started a new job, and my co-workers were telling me silly rules about our boss. Later, I accidentally bumped into him, and blurted "Rule #7, don't touch George." He definitely heard. FML

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By Roomie pay rent plz - United States - Hicksville

Today, my roommate's shopping addiction reached a whole new level. He bought a box of tampons just because they were 40% off. Yes, he. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I had to catch a coach to London at 4 in the morning. I was late so I had to take any free seat, so sat down next to a seemingly sweet old man. Within ten minutes, the sweet old man was trying to kiss me and trying to pull me on top of him. Nobody said anything. The journey was 4 hours long. FML

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By casey - United States

Today, I was sitting at home when I remembered that I desperately needed gas for my car. On my way there, I prayed that my car would make it the whole way, and was thankful when I pulled up to the pump, because I knew my car wouldn't go any further. Then I realized I left my wallet at my house. FML

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By AntSimo - South Africa

Today, whilst presenting a report to the head of my college, I was arrested by a police officer for assault. I was in a bar the night before and accidentally bumped into a local tough guy on the way to the toilet. I got punched in the face. The witnesses got our names mixed up. That'll look great on my CV. FML

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By Flarewolf - United Kingdom

Today, my family went and visited my nan. She ushered me in close and asked, "When are you going to knock it off with all this emo cockshite?" FML

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By dammitall - United States

Today, I was in a bathroom stall peeing. Shortly after, I heard a couple enter the bathroom, both extremely drunk. They then had sex standing up against the stall I was in, blocking my only exit. I had to sit, wait, and listen as both parties finished. FML

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By tyrettes

Today, I started a new yard maintenance job. Before the day had even ended, I got fired, because I apparently didn’t have enough experience, and I moved too slowly. It was supposed to be my training day. FML

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By really - United States - Bonney Lake

Today, my boyfriend thought he could make a pregnancy test read positive by jizzing on it. FML

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By ShowerheadGirl - United States

Common passion

Today, I was having an intimate moment with my detachable shower head. I opened my eyes to find my husband of 4 months looking down on me. The only thing he said was, "You too?" FML

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By wowimscrewed - United States

Today, my roommate told me there is some restricted number that keeps calling and waking her up at odd hours of the night. She then says she's getting the police involved to find out who it is because she feels "harassed". I'm the restricted caller calling to wake her up from snoring so loud. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Corrimal

Today, I couldn't see my car in a crowded car park. I pressed unlock on my keys and saw the lights flash. As I walked over I also saw someone run from my car with an armful of my stuff. FML

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By what.....? - United States

Today, at college, we had a substitute philosophy teacher, because our professor is on bereavement leave. During his presentation, the sub managed to segue from the early works of Immanuel Kant straight into "the myth of the vaginal orgasm." I'm still shocked and highly confused. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/4/2021 23:30 - United Kingdom - Banchory

Alexa, play "Get The Message" by Electronic

Today, it became apparent that telling your crush you like them isn't worth a response. I mean after all it's not like I'm sitting here not thinking about them and hoping for something to happen. No no, a simple "No thanks" is too much hard work for some. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, I used a public restroom. I saw my sister's shoes walk into the stall next to me, so I gave her a little nudge with my foot. We then nudged each other until I walked out and saw a homeless man with the same shoes as my sister. He then tried to hold my hand. FML

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By iamScaredyCat

Stay indoors, it's safer at the moment

Today, I was texting while walking up the stairs to my porch. When I looked up, I saw someone standing behind the porch door, and was so scared that I fell backwards down the stairs. Turns out, it was just my reflection. FML

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By ugh thanks - United States - Dayton

Today, I asked my husband to tell me something nice about myself. He thought for a few moments, then said, "Uh, you shit quietly." FML

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By stewiesclone - United States

Today, I was taking a dump in a public restroom. Minding my own business, I heard somebody go into an adjacent stall. It was dead silent and I don't think he knew I was in there. I thought I heard him scratching his arm or something. I was wrong. He was jacking off. I had to listen to it all. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Spokane

Today, I tried to surprise my husband by wearing something sexy to bed. He didn't say anything, just laughed and left the room for 10 minutes. The little confidence I had disappeared, so I changed, feeling stupid for thinking I could pull off sexy. He got mad at me for being confusing. FML

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By Anonymous

There you go

Today, our work computers are down so I've been trying to fix it via my home computer for 3 days. My 12-year-old son took one look at the screen, changed 2 settings on a drop down menu, and the problem was fixed. My 12-year-old is better at my job than I am. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Littleton

Today, after leaving my workplace, I realized that I forgot some important work papers. When I went back to get them, I was faced with the sight of my boss and a coworker getting it on against my desk. FML

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By Dothy - France

Today, I had an important appointment for a job. During the interview, my cellphone rang. My ringtone is "Denver, the last Dinosaur". FML

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By Anonymous - 13/4/2021 18:30 - United States

Compassion? At school?

Today, my house caught fire right before I was supposed to present a school project. My teacher told me to, "just suck it up and do it anyway." FML

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By not-that-fat - United States

Today, I was in the car with my boyfriend when I said "I wish all the weight I gained just went to my boobs." His reply was, "They'd be HUGE." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was walking down the street and I saw an old man, and me feeling nice I asked him if I could help him cross the street. He responded with: "Only if you let me touch your tits." FML

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By liynda - Canada

Today, I knocked on the door of the bathroom to make sure nobody was in there before I walked in. Then I remembered I live alone. FML

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By sandwhiched - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I went on a road trip with my boyfriend and his best friend. What I thought was going to be a great, fun time ended up with me alone in a car with two large men who wouldn't stop farting for 14 hours. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was in school when a guy grabbed my breast, so I swore at him and shoved him away. I got detention and he walked away unpunished. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/2/2021 01:01 - Mexico - Iztacalco

That's… sexy

Today, my wife threw up in the middle of sex, then fell asleep right after. I didn't even finish and it'd been over a month since the last time. FML

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By Vgameboi - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me he was showing off pictures of me to co-workers. It wasn't until later that he said, "Don't worry, they were old pictures, from when you were hot." They were from four years ago. FML

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By me - United States - West Babylon

Today, I found out that the guy who asked me out only did so because he thought I "looked rich." He broke everything off once he found out I live in a one-bedroom apartment and drive a 14-year old Volvo. FML

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By Slayer - Canada

Today, I went out to lunch with a couple of work buddies. Trying to be suave, I started hitting on our waitress. Not two seconds after saying, "Hey baby," I felt ice water on my balls. The guy next to me had spilled both our water glasses. FML

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By kittydead - Canada

Today, when I was at my girlfriend's house, I farted and blamed it on the cat. I forgot the cat died 2 weeks ago. FML

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By Lisa

Today, I slept with a friend who always bitches about how he can't keep a girlfriend. When he finished within 3 minutes I understood why. FML

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By checkup - United Kingdom - Redditch

Today, I finally hooked up with the girl of my dreams. We went back to her place, and I explored every inch of her body; luscious lips, hourglass curves, genital warts... The worst part was when she got angry when I refused to continue, shouting, "No wonder you're still a virgin!" FML

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By Preggo - United States - Memphis

Today, I was food shamed by my boyfriend in front of an entire restaurant and his parents because my meal cost more than his. His mom chimed in saying her meal usually costs more than his step dad's too and not to be upset. I'm 8 months pregnant, of course mine costs more. FML

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By Ropebunnbon

Today, after leaving for the city inspector to make sure everything was up to code, my husband and I remembered that we'd forgotten to take down the rope bondage setup and equipment in the closet. We came home to paperwork on the kitchen counter and the closet door open. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dearborn

Today, as always, I'd be so incredibly happy if my girlfriend loved me even half as much as she loves her cat. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Panama City

Today, my mom came home drunk and yelled at me for 20 minutes for not feeding the cat. We don't have a cat. FML

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By ohgod... - Canada - Magog

Today, while my boyfriend and I were getting intimate, he called me "Mom." FML

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Top comments

By sirdannyboy1 | 20

#6728492 - Tuesday 27 December 2016 5:03

"Use the force, Spock."

By AstroTurfMatador | 11

#6728597 - Tuesday 27 December 2016 8:57

Uh oh, you overhead someone say some harmless comment that didn't even concern you. How the hell is this an FML?

COMMENTS

By Bliepje | 22

#6728491 - Tuesday 27 December 2016 5:02

isnt he??!!! hahaha im kiddin... but i dont think its that big of a deal. Maybe she just into that stuff

Reply

TheLemonMan | 24

#6729151 - Wednesday 28 December 2016 20:57

I think she would be MORE likely to know if she was 'into that stuff'.

Reply

Bliepje | 22

#7381697 - Friday 30 December 2016 12:34

i mistyped and couldn't correct it anymore. Ment to say: isnt into that stuff

By sirdannyboy1 | 20

#6728492 - Tuesday 27 December 2016 5:03

"Use the force, Spock."

Reply

Ultimate_Batman | 28

#6728496 - Tuesday 27 December 2016 5:08

"Use the force Harry" - Gandalf

Reply

raven_of_azarath | 33

#6728569 - Tuesday 27 December 2016 7:14

"Live long and use the force, Harry" - Gandalf

By zaidthunder1 | 27

#6728493 - Tuesday 27 December 2016 5:04

Is it a coincidence OP is from Alabama?

Reply

maritime1992 | 5

#6728518 - Tuesday 27 December 2016 5:56

No. it's 2016. get more creative with your jokes.

By RichardPencil | 30

#6728498 - Tuesday 27 December 2016 5:16

Lt. Uhura was a woman!!!

Reply

Rawrshi | 25

#6728507 - Tuesday 27 December 2016 5:31

They were likely referring to Worf, Lt. Geordi La Forge, or Lt. Tuvok if they didn't just mix up the names of the series.

By doubledee8 | 16

#6728499 - Tuesday 27 December 2016 5:16

"Spock, I Am Your Father"

By Rawrshi | 25

#6728501 - Tuesday 27 December 2016 5:21

Beam me up, Daddy.

Reply

URBeingLied2 | 23

#6728736 - Tuesday 27 December 2016 19:34

I never did see the triple x version of those movies . . .

By RichardPencil | 30

#6728504 - Tuesday 27 December 2016 5:30

Up Scotty me beam. Bazinga!

By RpiesSPIES | 27

#6728505 - Tuesday 27 December 2016 5:31

Tell her yes, and Yoda is what Voldemort turned into after his Avada Kedavra backfired thanks to Yugi Moto's Mirror Shield.

By Lalala579121 | 27

#6728506 - Tuesday 27 December 2016 5:31

No, he's that guy who helps Harry Potter destroy the one ring and save the land of Narnia.

By Soninuva | 41

#6728508 - Tuesday 27 December 2016 5:35

'I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of [fans'] voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced. I fear something terrible has happened.'