Today, I heard a girl say, "Darth Vader is that black guy from... - FML

By starboi - 20/12/2016 19:19 - United States - Weaver

Today, I heard a girl say, "Darth Vader is that black guy from Star Trek, right?" FML

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Proactive

Does it taste good?

Territorial pissings

By apple - 16/7/2010 19:38 - Netherlands

Today, it's my 18th birthday. I was telling my friends a story when my mom started talking. I simply said 'Mom...' so she'd realize she interrupted me. She gave me the finger and called me rude in front of all my friends. FML

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By Stung - 19/6/2009 04:32 - United States

Today, the weather was nice so I decided to eat outside. I quickly found out that my new, expensive hair conditioner attracts bees. Lots of bees. FML

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By jccwell - 23/9/2011 16:50 - United States

Today, my dad called, saying he was in town and that he wanted to see me. I was excited, thinking he wanted to come see my new apartment. Turns out he just wanted to borrow my Xbox. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/11/2010 07:26

Today, I volunteered to help out at an elementary school. I accidentally elbowed a little girl in the face while playing tag. And an hour later, a little boy flew out of his swing because I accidentally pushed him too hard. They're both siblings and are my child psychology instructor's kids. FML

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By privatebathroomneeded - 16/12/2014 19:26 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I needed to take a dump at school. As soon as I sat down, somebody else walked in. I'm extremely poop-shy, so I was forced to wait for several minutes while they styled their hair and applied makeup. After they left, I breathed a sigh of relief. Then someone else walked in. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/5/2009 05:18 - United States

Today, my husband was leaving on a long business trip to Germany. As he's leaving, my daughter starts crying. 'Dont leave me with her !' she says. 'Take me with you !' FML

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By schmoodles - 7/5/2009 00:20 - United States

Today, as I was running a cute guy was coming towards me. As he was passing me, he yelled "nice tush!" I said thanks and slapped my ass flirtatiously. He stopped running, laughed and pointed to my crotch, replying "No, I said nice BUSH" I looked down to see my shorts had rode up a bit too high. FML

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By uninvited - 4/2/2016 15:16 - United States - Boston

Today, my parents called me to ask if I could drop my dog off to them on Sunday. They're having a Superbowl party and want to show her off to their guests. My dog is invited, but I'm not. FML

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By Anon - 26/6/2014 04:03 - United States - Middletown

Today, my boyfriend told me he wants to marry me and be the father of my children. Five minutes later, he told me he wants to experience death. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/6/2020 20:04

More proof the system is broken

Today, my younger sister, who lives at home and worked 1 day a week at the gym, got her unemployment card. I work at a hospital, on the frontlines, with COVID-19 patients. I don't get hazard pay. She now makes more than me in a week by sitting at home watching Netflix, while I risk my life every day to help people. FML

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By HellisLikeTheDMV - 13/7/2012 15:19 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I finally went to the DMV to replace my lost license. After waiting for almost two hours, I casually rummaged through my purse. Something strange inside the lining caught my eye. It was my license. FML

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By asstomouth - 29/5/2010 18:20 - France

Today, I wasn't feeling well, so I took my temperature with a thermometer from my sister's bathroom. I later found out that I actually used my sister's rectal thermometer. At least I don't have a fever. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/4/2016 08:25

Today, I woke up in hospital after a night of heavy drinking. My friends told me I was beat up by the doorman. After going to the club to watch the security footage, it was revealed I actually fell on my face trying to fight, and caused more damage to myself. FML

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By fuck you, dad - 27/9/2012 18:36 - United Kingdom - Brighton

Today, I was eating out at a restaurant with my family. My dad had drained most of our bottle of wine, so thinking he'd be a little less uptight than usual, I reached over to pour myself some. He swatted my hand away and started yelling at me for being a "degenerate drunk". FML

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By Sal - 5/12/2011 06:57 - United States

Today, I found out I have to give my father-in-law back the football tickets he gave me for my birthday. Why? His girlfriend decided she wanted to go. He didn't get me a different gift. FML

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By Sean - 9/10/2010 20:54 - United States

Today, I got a zero on my math test. My teacher was convinced that I had written the answers on my arm. No answers, just really thick, black arm hair. FML

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By pzy - 24/10/2016 15:46

Today, I'm in the middle seat on a flight to Dallas. The guy on the aisle is sleeping with his mouth open and I can smell his breath. I feel nauseous. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/8/2012 19:50 - United States

Today, I called in to my girlfriend's favorite radio station to propose. After spending what seemed like an eternity telling her how much I love her and I want to spend the rest of my life with her, she took a deep breath, said, "How about no?" and hung up. FML

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By bad sis - 23/9/2019 05:01 - United States - Monterey Park

Backwards

Today, my family got very upset with me when I advised my brother’s girlfriend to take the kids and leave. They’re more upset with me telling her that, than the fact that my brother is an abusive serial cheater and a raging alcoholic, who hits her and the kids. FML

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By StillSingle - 29/6/2009 18:14 - United States

Today, I went to my friend's beautiful wedding. The only other single girl there was 5 years old. She caught the bouquet. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/3/2016 22:09 - United Kingdom - Hatfield

Today, I lost what should've been the easiest bet ever. Now I have to let my girlfriend go at me with a strap-on or forever be known as a sore loser. FML

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By shredded - 12/2/2011 00:26 - United Kingdom

Today, I spent three and a half hours creating a Wikipedia page for myself. Three minutes after publishing, it was deleted due to me being a "Non-notable person nobody's ever heard of." FML

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By whaaaaat111 - 9/3/2013 12:04 - United States - Vienna

Today, while at the mall, a lady dropped her credit card while in line to buy something. I came over, picked it up and gave it to her just for her to shove it in my hand and scream, "She's stealing my wallet! My wallet!" The police came. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/11/2019 23:45

Only tighty whities

Today, my brother aged 12 years old tried doing laundry for the first time and ruined all my clothes with bleach. When my dad drove him to Walmart to buy replacement clothes for me, he bought me tighty whities. We both have worn boxers our whole lives. My dad won't return them. FML

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By mamagelmane - 8/8/2014 04:27 - France - Vervezelle

Today, my husband jolted in bed and while still half-asleep said, "I had a nightmare; I dreamt we had a kid." I'm 8 months pregnant. FML

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By Pooldead - 28/7/2019 04:00 - Germany - Munich

Today, while introducing my girlfriend to my family, everyone told me that she looked exactly like my mother. FML

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By 3Airwalk3 - 16/2/2010 05:23 - Canada

Today, I was washing a stainless steel pot at my kitchen job. Every time I pulled it out of the dishwasher and examined it for dirt, I saw something orange inside it. After 3 run-throughs, I realized it was just my shirt's reflection. FML

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By RavingLunatic - 1/5/2015 22:17 - United States - Gilbert

Today, I desperately needed to let off some steam at work, so I went outside and screamed obscenities at the top of my lungs, before heading back inside. The police then showed up to investigate complaints of a "raving lunatic" in the area. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2015 21:54 - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, my daughter's 14-year-old boyfriend confessed, in front of her, that he only went out with her so he might have a chance to date me. My daughter isn't speaking to me. FML

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By dangyo - 26/1/2009 17:38 - United States

Today, my dad learned how to use the parental controls. I now have an 11 o'clock curfew. I am 17. FML

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By Noname - 4/2/2009 17:04 - United States

Today, a guy in the library came up to me and said, "You look very unproductive. It makes me depressed just watching you". FML

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By overlandparkmommie - 14/5/2009 21:09 - United States

Today, I was so totally stressed out at work that I took my car into the park and reclined my seat and shut my eyes. Soon I noticed the soothing sounds of raindrops on my car and I felt a little better for once. I opened my eyes to see that a bunch of birds had crapped all over my car. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/11/2017 01:30

Today, I actually slipped on a banana peel, cartoon-style, breaking my kneecap and dislocating my hip. I will never hear the end of this. FML

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By Mary - 13/1/2013 15:49 - Czech Republic

Today, I decided to go to a UV-light party dressed all in white. Before leaving, my little brother dumped a glass of tomato juice over my head saying, "Now you look just like a used tampon!" FML

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By veiny - 21/4/2015 13:48 - United States - Kingsport

Today, my nurse girlfriend told me she's more attracted to the veins in my arm than any other part of me. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/10/2018 15:30

Today, after explaining that I never want kids, I was asked, "Are you sure? I have really strong swimmers." FML

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By hatemyjob - 15/12/2015 00:15 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, after working at the same place for 3 years, I found out that they are not only cutting my hours but now I have to take orders from some girl I trained because she was promoted over me. FML

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By oh dear - 25/10/2009 09:06 - France

Today, my daughter threw a can of hairspray into the fireplace because she saw someone do it on YouTube. FML

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By Jololol - 17/5/2013 09:25 - United States

Today, I found out I was named after the woman my dad used to stalk when he was in high school. FML

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By idiocy Trumps reason - 10/8/2016 15:32 - United States - Mission

Today, a customer made a huge scene at work because all of our reading glasses are made in China, and apparently any "moral" person should be repulsed by that. FML

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Top comments

By sirdannyboy1 | 20

#6728492 - Tuesday 27 December 2016 5:03

"Use the force, Spock."

By AstroTurfMatador | 11

#6728597 - Tuesday 27 December 2016 8:57

Uh oh, you overhead someone say some harmless comment that didn't even concern you. How the hell is this an FML?

COMMENTS

By Bliepje | 22

#6728491 - Tuesday 27 December 2016 5:02

isnt he??!!! hahaha im kiddin... but i dont think its that big of a deal. Maybe she just into that stuff

Reply

TheLemonMan | 24

#6729151 - Wednesday 28 December 2016 20:57

I think she would be MORE likely to know if she was 'into that stuff'.

Reply

Bliepje | 22

#7381697 - Friday 30 December 2016 12:34

i mistyped and couldn't correct it anymore. Ment to say: isnt into that stuff

By sirdannyboy1 | 20

#6728492 - Tuesday 27 December 2016 5:03

"Use the force, Spock."

Reply

Ultimate_Batman | 28

#6728496 - Tuesday 27 December 2016 5:08

"Use the force Harry" - Gandalf

Reply

raven_of_azarath | 32

#6728569 - Tuesday 27 December 2016 7:14

"Live long and use the force, Harry" - Gandalf

By zaidthunder1 | 27

#6728493 - Tuesday 27 December 2016 5:04

Is it a coincidence OP is from Alabama?

Reply

maritime1992 | 5

#6728518 - Tuesday 27 December 2016 5:56

No. it's 2016. get more creative with your jokes.

By RichardPencil | 28

#6728498 - Tuesday 27 December 2016 5:16

Lt. Uhura was a woman!!!

Reply

Rawrshi | 25

#6728507 - Tuesday 27 December 2016 5:31

They were likely referring to Worf, Lt. Geordi La Forge, or Lt. Tuvok if they didn't just mix up the names of the series.

By doubledee8 | 16

#6728499 - Tuesday 27 December 2016 5:16

"Spock, I Am Your Father"

By Rawrshi | 25

#6728501 - Tuesday 27 December 2016 5:21

Beam me up, Daddy.

Reply

URBeingLied2 | 23

#6728736 - Tuesday 27 December 2016 19:34

I never did see the triple x version of those movies . . .

By RichardPencil | 28

#6728504 - Tuesday 27 December 2016 5:30

Up Scotty me beam. Bazinga!

By RpiesSPIES | 27

#6728505 - Tuesday 27 December 2016 5:31

Tell her yes, and Yoda is what Voldemort turned into after his Avada Kedavra backfired thanks to Yugi Moto's Mirror Shield.

By Lalala579121 | 27

#6728506 - Tuesday 27 December 2016 5:31

No, he's that guy who helps Harry Potter destroy the one ring and save the land of Narnia.

By Soninuva | 41

#6728508 - Tuesday 27 December 2016 5:35

'I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of [fans'] voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced. I fear something terrible has happened.'