Miscellaneous: Today, I heard a commercial for a great apartment complex. Includes... - FML

By kryan012 - United States - Savannah

Today, I heard a commercial for a great apartment complex. Includes food, snacks, entertainment, activities, cleaning service, and transportation services if you cannot drive yourself. I was really excited until the end when they repeated the name; too bad my perfect place is a senior center. FML

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Family values

Get it on, bang a gong

Sensitive

By Fatnotpregnant

Today, I now know why my new jeans are so comfy. They're maternity jeans. I thought the soft elastic in front was just for added comfort. Apparently, I need to lose some weight. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I bought a UV light so I could detect cat pee, since I was sure my cat was relieving herself on the carpet. I decided to try it out in the living room first. Nearly half the room lit up like a Christmas tree. FML

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By toolateabuckshort

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By carl_carl_ - United States - Grand Ledge

Today, I found my dad on a dating website looking for younger girls. My mother and father are "happily" married, well according to her Facebook profile. FML

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By Jfly25

Today, while on my way to work, I had a tire blowout. I got the car towed and borrowed my mom’s so that I could still get to work. Her car seized and died on the expressway ramp. It’s not in any tow truck’s jurisdiction. FML

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By UnluckyArtist - United States

Today, I had an art class with my girlfriend. The teacher assigned "anti-cards", or cards for unusual or bad occasions. My girlfriend decided to make a "break-up" card, and I helped her write the poem inside it. After class, she gave it to me. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was making out with my girlfriend in my room. About two minutes into it, my cat walks in and jumps on the bed with us. Without hesitation, my girlfriend tells me to stop, rolls over, and starts petting my cat. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Boise

Today, I lost a bet with my friends. I had to go to the super market and buy a copy of 50 Shades of Grey along with a cucumber. The cashier was trying so hard not to laugh while ringing me up. FML

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By Kyle - United States - Alpharetta

Today, I was told I look like a Simpson. I don't have blond hair, or any of the features of them. So I asked which one. I was told Homer because we both could use Weight Watchers and an education. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took a look at my boyfriend's videocamera. On it were several videos of me on the toilet. My boyfriend has been hiding the videocamera in the bathroom airvent, and taping me taking dumps for the past three months. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Fort Wayne

Today, the maintenance man for my apartment “fixed” my toilet from constantly running. Now it won’t flush. I learned this after I took a huge dump. My boyfriend was over to spend the night. FML

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By smalls727

Today, I was at orientation for my new job. There were only 6 other people in the training. Throughout the whole entire training, I kept smelling cat urine and moving further away from the other person. Only to get in my car and realize my cat peed in my purse. FML

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By Mars - United States

Today, I got a haircut. Right after the lady finished washing my hair she grabbed a towel to wipe her nose. She then used the same towel to thoroughly dry my hair. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I woke up after a night of partying and went to the bathroom. That’s when I realized that after passing out with my shoes on last night, my friends decided use a black sharpie and play “connect the dots” with my acne. FML

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By UN4 - United States

Today, one of my students tried to bribe me $200 to change his grade. When I said no and told him he was lucky I didn't report him, he went to the dean and told him I offered to change his grade for money. I'm now suspended and under investigation. FML

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By bad timing - United States - Monterey Park

Uncomfortable

Today, at work, my manager accidentally bumped into me, brushing my behind with the back of his hand. He was a bit embarrassed, so I jokingly said, “You could at least buy me dinner first!” He went to HR and told them I made him uncomfortable. I was just trying to lighten the mood. FML

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By not taking those! - 6/10/2020 23:07 - United States

Lobbied

Today, I called my insurance company begging for a new doctor. All my current one does is prescribe antidepressants for everything. Migraines? AD! Dizziness? AD! Birth control? AD! I’ve been having rough periods and I’m pretty sure she’s just trying to push pills to bill us more. FML

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By Ouch - United States

Today, the vibrator I ordered online was delivered. I'd paid extra to make sure it would be here before the weekend, so I could sneak it into my room while everyone was gone. My dad decided to stay home all day and answer the door ahead of me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a guy asked for my number. He used the rather annoying "You know, this iPhone has everything... but you know the only thing that's missing is your number." I might have given it to him, if he did have the iPhone, not the makeshift box of Mini Wheat Thins he had in his hand. FML

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By all5fingers - Canada

Today, I was playing my guitar and felt something like an itch under my foot, so I attempted to scratch it by rubbing against the floor. The big cockroach made a very distinct "crunch". FML

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By Calimero

Today, I forked over a hefty sum to stay the night in a beautiful, luxurious hotel room, because back home I have a baby that doesn't sleep through the night yet. Never would I have imagined I would be staying directly next to the town nightclub. I'm still awake. FML

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By parasheeeet - United States - Birmingham

Today, after months of trying to train my cockatiel to perch on my finger, he finally trusted me enough to fly from his cage and land on my hand. I panicked and accidentally backhanded him across the room. FML

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By RAS266

Today, a water snake slithered into our pool. He can have it. FML

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By Clogged - 25/11/2020 17:02 - Australia - Brisbane

Light 'em up, boys

Today, a week after I quit smoking, I lit up again. Was it stress? Cravings? No. I haven't had a crap since I quit, and can't take this gut ache anymore. FML

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By Light Sleeper - United States - Evansville

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend trying to initiate sex with me in my sleep. He confessed to thinking that if he did it lightly enough, I'd think I was just dreaming. FML

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By Anyom - United States - Detroit

Today, my friend got her first car. I bought mine 3 weeks ago and haven't started making payments. She came straight from the dealer ship to pick me up. She backed in to my car. FML

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By Sub - United States

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to a female friend of mine, because I thought they would get along. Apparently they get along better than I expected; she dumped me for the other girl. FML

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By nolinguist - Austria

Today, I arrived in Austria. Within about an hour, I realized that I couldn't understand any "German". Turns out they have a totally different dialect here to anything I was taught in school. I'm here till May. FML

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By guessthatsatrickthen - United Kingdom - Leeds

Today, I opened the door to what I thought would be a group of trick or treaters. It was actually a naked man. He wanted to come in. FML

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By davidthegreat - Japan

Today, I had to come to terms with the fact that I'm getting older because my pubic hair is turning white. FML

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By Falling off the wagon - United Kingdom - Brighton

Today, my uncle gave me a very expensive bottle of champagne at a celebratory family event. We were celebrating me spending 1 year sober. FML

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By MathTeacher - United States

Today, after being annoyed one too many times by my students' whiney attitudes, I accidentally blurted out, "Quit being such a bitch," to the superintendent's daughter. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was trying to swat a wasp in my bedroom. I got so frustrated that I ended up punching myself in the face. The wasp is still here, and now I look like I've been in a brawl. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was working a haunted house. I have a really good spot where I hide and scare people. This really hot guy was walking up, and I jumped out and screamed. He punched me in the face. FML

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By Chip - Australia

Today, I went to a cosmetic dentist and got a chip in my tooth filled in that I’d had since I was 7. I went out later and my friend jokingly hit my head against the table a few times to make fun of me showing off my teeth. He slipped. I fell. I now have 2 chipped teeth and a broken nose. FML

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By nicki - United States

Today, it took me a full ten minutes to finish on the toilet. I was babysitting at the time, and it took the kids those ten minutes to destroy the kitchen and shave the cat. FML

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By Kayt - United States

Today, my boyfriend was going down on me for the first time. He stopped just as I was about to orgasm, and asked if I could finish by myself. Apparently he'd come up with a new algorithm for the Rubik's Cube on my desk and wanted to try it out. FML

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By blegh - United Kingdom

Today, my 18-year-old son asked me if I was a virgin. I still don't know what to say to him. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - London

Today, while working at the pet store, I had to feed the snakes. I'd thawed too many mice, so instead of wasting one, I fed it to our turtles. They decided to play tug of war with it, ripping it in half in front of several terrified children. FML

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By Jessi - United States

Today, I found out that my husband was trying to cheat on me while I was away at basic training. I signed up for the service to pay off his debt. FML

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Top comments

By obnum | 19

#5376191 - Wednesday 20 February 2013 18:58

I thought it sounded strange that they were offering all that in an apartment...

By hunny797 | 5

#5376193 - Wednesday 20 February 2013 18:59

You will be eligible for that place sometime later in your life

COMMENTS

By hunny797 | 5

#5376190 - Wednesday 20 February 2013 18:58

Atlast

By obnum | 19

#5376191 - Wednesday 20 February 2013 18:58

I thought it sounded strange that they were offering all that in an apartment...

Reply

TheDrifter | 23

#5376453 - Wednesday 20 February 2013 22:21

But it's a great idea. I think I'm gonna draw up plans for a young persons center on that plan. All 1 bedroom suites, no children. I'll bet it would be huge with college kids and young workers.

Reply

oj101 | 33

#5376584 - Thursday 21 February 2013 0:09

Nearly every apartment building has a doorman, or at least a concierge service along other facilities such as a gym/child care centre.

Reply

Ayeasha | 7

#5376646 - Thursday 21 February 2013 0:35

39- it would be like the movie Accepted. :) I would totally live there

Reply

dalink | 24

#5376843 - Thursday 21 February 2013 4:29

Good luck keeping it in one piece.

Reply

xNephilim | 18

#5376850 - Thursday 21 February 2013 4:38

Shoot, 48, where do you find those?

Reply

oj101 | 33

#5376987 - Thursday 21 February 2013 7:46

#56 - pretty much in any medium to large city.

Reply

Ameel_fml | 19

#5377099 - Thursday 21 February 2013 10:51

Where the hell do you live, #48. I'm looking for a house at the moment and am having trouble finding one with basic amenities...let alone one with foods, entertainment, activities and cleaning services!! :O

By hunny797 | 5

#5376193 - Wednesday 20 February 2013 18:59

You will be eligible for that place sometime later in your life

Reply

Crazynopantsman | 11

#5376568 - Thursday 21 February 2013 0:01

Not necessarily..

By jmdb1416 | 5

#5376194 - Wednesday 20 February 2013 18:59

I would be excited too!!!

By hama806 | 19

#5376196 - Wednesday 20 February 2013 19:00

Seniors are fun! Get your grandmother to live with you and do it.

Reply

Wiringify | 22

#5376373 - Wednesday 20 February 2013 21:22

With her... Wait what? Nevermind.

By Pleonasm | 34

#5376199 - Wednesday 20 February 2013 19:00

Well, what are you waiting for? Break a leg! Or a hip!
Go hard-of-hearing or go home!

By Fuhkyoo | 17

#5376213 - Wednesday 20 February 2013 19:06

as soon as i read the first feature i knew it had to be for old people, did you have to call them to figure that out?

Reply

bybib | 20

#5376246 - Wednesday 20 February 2013 19:21

When did they call? I thought it said it was a commercial they were listening to.

Reply

CharresBarkrey | 15

#5376399 - Wednesday 20 February 2013 21:48

14 - Yep. It appears 7 was so excited to comment, they completely overlooked the last part of the FML.

By hawright | 13

#5376217 - Wednesday 20 February 2013 19:07

I hear the chicks there are pretty loose if you catch my drift...

Saggy, I mean saggy.

By Evgeny2222 | 11

#5376218 - Wednesday 20 February 2013 19:07

Oh come on, did you seriously think that an apartment complex would include food?

By PenguinBitch | 43

#5376233 - Wednesday 20 February 2013 19:14

Makes you want to be old huh? Hopefully we'll all live to see the day our balls or boobs sag.