Transportation: Today, I have an eight hour transatlantic flight and the person...

By ajdown - United Kingdom

Today, I have an eight hour transatlantic flight and the person sitting next to me has already filled his third sick bag. This wouldn't be quite so bad were we not still at the terminal with passengers still boarding the plane. FML

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Transportation

Commando

Noise annoys

Tasty!

By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I helped out with makeup at my daughter's high school play. As one girl walked past, I told her that she'd smudged pink lipstick all up the side of her face. Turns out it was a birthmark. She cried in the dressing room for half an hour. FML

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By Nicole - United States

Today, while in Walmart, I noticed an old man who had been following me for about five minutes. I politely pulled over with my cart and smiled at him so he could pass. He then said with a creepy smile, "So it's your turn to stare at my butt now?" It's the most attention I've gotten in weeks. FML

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By Temporalvisions - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I was showing off the Mount Kilimanjaro tattoo that I got after climbing it. It's a silhouette of the mountain and the word "KILI" in bold. My girlfriend told her friends it was actually the Lonely Mountain from The Hobbit, and that Kili was my favorite dwarf. FML

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By has-evil-friends - United Kingdom

Today, I had six friends round for pizza. When I went to answer the door to the delivery, my friends turned off the lights and pretended they weren't there when I shouted for help carrying all the food. Not only does the cute delivery guy think I'm greedy, but also that I have imaginary friends. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me in a 24-hour taco shop, while he was wearing a tee-shirt that says "F*** Me I'm Famous." FML

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By clutzasaurus - United States - Odessa

Today, I was feeling down about being stuck in bed after ankle surgery. I thought I would go ahead and call my boss and let him know everything went well. He said the obligatory nice things, then told me that if I'm not at work on Monday, I'll be fired. I can't even get out of bed. FML

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By Sniffles - Ireland

Today, I realised that when I asked my girlfriend 4 months ago if was she on the pill, she thought I meant hay fever tablets. I'm going to be a father. FML

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By nomorepetbird - United States

Today, my pet bird died. He had caught some illness and had been extremely sick for the past few days. He didn't die from the illness though. My dog ate him. FML

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By Addison - Canada - Kingston

Today, my sister was "sexting" her boyfriend over Apple messages. Since we share an iTunes account the messages appeared on my iPod. Apparently, he shouldn't be silly, and should wrap his willy. FML

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By Nicole557 - United States

Today, after a year and a half, I finally admitted to myself that I'm in an abusive relationship. Not with a person though, with my cat. FML

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By WeighYourWords - Belgium - Overheid

Today, my overweight colleague twisted his ankle. He's pretty self-conscious about his weight, but I had a brain-fart and told him he shouldn't try to put too much weight on it. His feelings are more hurt than his ankle now. FML

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By traumatized house keeper - Germany - M?nster

What a jerk!

Today, while cleaning the hostel, I had to make some beds in a dorm room. There were three guys in the room, one of whom was sitting on a bed. He looked me straight in the eye and I gave him a big smile before I realized he was jerking off. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the mall. A little girl was walking around and telling everyone that they were pretty. When she got to me, she gave me a disgusted look and walked away. FML

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By Anonymous - United Arab Emirates

Today, my 18 year old son asked me to check if there were any monsters under his bed. FML

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By Anon - 19/10/2020 07:57 - United States

Feelings

Today, my parents told me, after 30 years of marriage, that they are getting a divorce. I went to my boyfriend's apartment because I needed some comfort. While sobbing to him, he decided to dump me on the spot because my reaction to the news was "immature" and he wants an "adult" relationship. FML

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By poodlesoup - 21/12/2020 22:58 - United States

The wrong end of the stick

Today, I actually feel good about my decisions and my life. I've even started running to improve my health, and recover from self harming. My girlfriend is convinced I'm running to hurt myself, and won't let me near any health food or the treadmill. FML

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By SlowLane - United States

Today, I got 4 "photo enforced" speeding tickets in the mail. It was from the car that was stolen from me three weeks ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/11/2020 04:02 - Japan - Okayama

Can't buy me love

Today, I realized while paying bills on my phone I fat-fingered which credit card I was paying and sent 299 to a paid-off card instead of 200 to another one. Now I'm going to have overdraft fees too. FML

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By anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I've become so accustomed to finding my sister drunk or otherwise passed out in the same spot in the living room that every time I go in there, I instinctively lift my feet higher as though to step over her, even when she's not there. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Richmond

Today, and for the past 38 weeks of my pregnancy, my husband decided to amuse himself by following me around, making whale noises. FML

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By Totallyscrewed - United States - Stroudsburg

Today, I found out I'm pregnant. My husband had a vasectomy this past summer after our son was born and only took one of the two tests. I haven't cheated. He refuses to believe me or get his spunk checked again. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my son couldn't find all the parts to his Cub Scout uniform. I had a serious talk with him about being prepared, and how he would need to live with the consequences of not having the right outfit on. When we arrived at the meeting, everyone was in costumes because it's Halloween. I forgot. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally got the courage to tell the guy I liked how I felt by making him a mixed CD. Confident, I gave it to him. After class, I went to the trash can to throw some paper away. I saw my mixed CD in the trash. FML

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By Rory - United States

Today, I got very dressed up and was excited for my uncle's wedding. While standing in line for photos, I heard my dad's voice from behind me say "Who's the hot chick in the brown dress?" My uncle responds "Uh, that's your daughter." Silence. FML

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By eww - Austria - Vienna

Today, I was at a big family reunion at my aunt's place. Before dinner, I went outside in the garden for a smoke. Through the kitchen window, I saw my cousin spit in the soup. Twice. My aunt patted his back and continued stirring. FML

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By atmac95 - United States

Today, I am expected to write an 8 page essay, due tonight. The reason why I don't even have one page yet? My mom decided to take away the only computer I have the essay saved on because I have an 'F' in English. The essay is for English. FML

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By notacatperson - United Kingdom

Today, I was informed that due to my cat being aggressive and attacking the postman several times, my mail would no longer be delivered to my address. I don't own a cat. FML

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By Kayla - United States

Today, I had to take two buses home from a friend's house. After waiting in the cold for the second bus for 40 minutes, it finally came and I realized that I'd left my wallet on the first bus. It took me 2 hours to walk home and I was locked out because my house key is attached to my wallet. FML

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By gotnogame - United States

Today, I went out with a girl I like. After a movie, we went to McDonald's. There was this couple making out. The girl I was with remarked about how lame it would be to go to McDonald's on a date. I thought we were on a date. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I came back from a hike to see my trailer rocking, as well as some strange but obvious noises coming from it. I went camping alone. Two strangers were in my camper having sex. FML

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By Username

Today, I found the birthday card my grandma had mailed. Apparently, it contained a gift of $100. Too bad it was in my mom's trash can, opened, with no money. She told my grandma it must have gotten lost in the mail. FML

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By jon - Canada - Toronto

Consent

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex. I thought I'd be spontanous and spice things up, and gave her a spank across the butt. She started crying. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went back home. My drunk mother was screaming at my drunk step-dad about a fight that happened four years ago. My little sister was looking in the mirror practicing her "orgasm face" while the neighbors were dancing outside, coked out and naked. FML

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By Monty Python's Flying Circus

Today, it's been three weeks since my son found my old red dress and hat outfit in the attic, and like every day since then, he has been putting it on and bursting into rooms without warning and shouting, "NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!" He's almost 18 and going to college in September. FML

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By DesignNerd

Today, my best friend excitedly told me all about this new video game she'd just discovered that she thought I'd love. It was her Xmas present from me 2 years ago. FML

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By Face - Australia

Today, I got hit in the face with a piece of bacon. FML

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By Ugh - United States - Dublin

Today, while I was cleaning out my son's room, I came across his diary. Opening it out of curiosity, I found ramblings about how blacks, Jews, and other "inferior breeds" should be forcibly sterilized "for the common good." FML

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By loser - United States - Pompano Beach

Today, I asked the girl I sort of like as we were leaving class how her day was going so far. She said, 'Great. Don't ruin it.' FML

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By penguinsfan - Canada

Today, I had to pee badly. I went into a stall and sat down. Only until after I'd peed, I realized that I didn't have any toilet paper. I waddled to the next stall with my pants down to get more toilet paper, believing that the bathroom was empty. It wasn't. FML

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By Anonymous - France

Today, my kitchen is flooded, and according to my landlord, this is normal, because it rained last night. Funny, I thought the purpose of a roof was to stop water from getting in. Guess I was wrong. Silly me. FML

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Top comments

By thehoneybadger | 10

#2705063 - Saturday 18 June 2011 1:17

That guy shouldn't be travelling... unless he's got a flight phobia, he sounds like he has a serious stomach bug.

By perdix | 29

#2705699 - Saturday 18 June 2011 3:14

Maybe if you showered, wiped and wore deodorant, people around you would not get sick from your stench.

COMMENTS

By MilkShakez | 0

#2705020 - Saturday 18 June 2011 1:13

atleats your seat buddoes are not fat

MilkShakez | 0

#2705057 - Saturday 18 June 2011 1:17

That was a typing fail, my bad :(

pertained | 12

#2705192 - Saturday 18 June 2011 1:28

lol, Atleast they didn't Chunder literally everywhar

herrobear | 0

#2705221 - Saturday 18 June 2011 1:33

On the bright side, if he throws up any more than he already has, he'll probably die before hour one...oh wait

miraggg | 1

#2706066 - Saturday 18 June 2011 4:27

at least it wasnt projectile vomit all over your lap

zendaddy0 | 0

#2706180 - Saturday 18 June 2011 4:49

in what circumstance would that not be a problem!?!?!?!?

ThanksKarma | 0

#2707005 - Saturday 18 June 2011 6:16

That smell must be awful.

torio123 | 27

#2708183 - Saturday 18 June 2011 11:49

oh I suck at flying. I spew pretty much every 10 minutes. I always feel sorry for teh people sitting next to me :D

iSitt | 0

#2709434 - Saturday 18 June 2011 17:43

don't worry, he'll soon be out of ammo

jassi101 | 5

#2713380 - Sunday 19 June 2011 4:54

Lol...

By Jimmyd0t | 0

#2705047 - Saturday 18 June 2011 1:16

wtf -_- I feel your pain OP, fyl

By redneck0328 | 5

#2705050 - Saturday 18 June 2011 1:16

you gonna eat that hot dog?

By thehoneybadger | 10

#2705063 - Saturday 18 June 2011 1:17

That guy shouldn't be travelling... unless he's got a flight phobia, he sounds like he has a serious stomach bug.

obnum | 19

#2705247 - Saturday 18 June 2011 1:37

agreed

Alysin | 14

#2705358 - Saturday 18 June 2011 1:57

sounds like zombies, ....time to ready the chainsaw!

deefan101 | 11

#2706231 - Saturday 18 June 2011 5:02

yes totally agreed! 

By kyanisaurus | 0

#2705114 - Saturday 18 June 2011 1:21

butt plug?

By ripgeorgecarl1n | 7

#2705160 - Saturday 18 June 2011 1:25

I've never seen anyone use one of those, and I fly a lot!

shybear15 | 0

#2705444 - Saturday 18 June 2011 2:19

haha... I love your pic

eminemchick | 19

#2705688 - Saturday 18 June 2011 3:12

agreed, ur pic is win:D

By Cheylea | 10

#2705164 - Saturday 18 June 2011 1:25

Eww I feel your pain...

By SirBedevere | 0

#2705176 - Saturday 18 June 2011 1:26

Why not give him the good ole American sue?

SirBedevere | 0

#2705187 - Saturday 18 June 2011 1:28

Why not*

demonspeed | 0

#2706811 - Saturday 18 June 2011 5:54

I'm not sure if this was supposed to be a jab at Americans but if so I'll sue you buddy! no really wtf are you trying to say?

By smexehXredhead0 | 0

#2705206 - Saturday 18 June 2011 1:30

Nasty! Ask if you can move!!!

kendallhi | 9

#2707096 - Saturday 18 June 2011 6:29

haha I love your pic

By Saltime | 0

#2705215 - Saturday 18 June 2011 1:32

When they run out of sick bags, are you going to lend him your hat?

Iamnotmyself | 17

#2705837 - Saturday 18 June 2011 3:38

Something tells me he will have already used his hat. considering that he would be constantly puking and will eventually puke up his intestines which would most likely make OP puke or faint of shock, which in both cases there would be no use for a hat for the very ill passenger. Unless you can use the hat for the previous stated intestine problem.