Today, I have an eight hour transatlantic flight and the person...

By ajdown - 17/6/2011 20:23 - United Kingdom

Today, I have an eight hour transatlantic flight and the person sitting next to me has already filled his third sick bag. This wouldn't be quite so bad were we not still at the terminal with passengers still boarding the plane. FML

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Transportation

Family values

No one likes a smart-ass

The opposite of a good idea

By shiiiiit - 15/11/2009 09:23 - United States

Today, I was having trouble blowing out the last of the several candles on my bedside table. Exasperated, I blew as hard as I could, which sent hot wax from the other candles shooting into the air, all over my face and into my eyes. FML

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By Boob - 7/1/2010 16:36 - United Kingdom

Today, for my art project, I spent hours painting my whole body in black spots with acrylic paint. I then went and stood outside in the snow, naked, so I could take pictures of it. Only then to find out the camera was out of batteries. FML

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By behold the Underminer - 14/8/2018 13:00

Today, the water company found that a water main has been leaking steadily possibly for decades and has turned the land my house is built on into an underground bog. Cracks have been appearing in my walls for a while, apparently because my house is slowly sinking into it. FML

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By Electro - 11/2/2016 21:51 - United States - Nashua

Today, I found out how painful it is to static shock the tip of your dick. FML

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By Meg - 13/6/2009 22:46 - United States

Today, I found out the identity of the pervert who's been staring at me through my bedroom window in the late hours of the night. My parents and I decided to set out a trap for 'him' instead of reporting to our local cop. Turns out, we caught my 37 year-old neighbor in the act. He's the cop. FML

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By Beth - 28/4/2013 13:16 - United States - Raleigh

Today, my parents decided to wake me up on my birthday. They flashed the lights and yanked off my bed sheets. I sleep naked. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/9/2015 01:21 - Canada

Today, I found out my bank charged me $50 for not having any money. Way to go bank, way to go. FML

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By clashgurl8449 - 17/2/2011 08:08

Today, my boyfriend fed me chocolate chip cookies with laxatives in them because he was concerned I did not poop enough. FML

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By thehunterofprey - 22/6/2018 19:00

Today, I came out to my parents as gay and they reacted better than I expected. Then I found my car destroyed with a note that said "fag" on what used to be my hood. I never thought I'd have to sue my own family, but I'm lucky I have security footage. FML

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By soon to be unemployed - 28/1/2014 22:36 - United Kingdom - Southampton

Today, my boss let me know that I'm being laid off, via a text message that ended in "lmao". FML

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By notacreeper - 6/4/2011 00:00

Today, I told my mother I have a girlfriend. Her first answer was "Does she know?" FML

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By Anonymous - 23/12/2010 10:04 - United States

Today, I got fired from my job. My manager found Facebook pictures of me drinking underage at a party. He said he didn't want "that kind of image" associated with the business. It was his birthday party. He supplied the booze. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/11/2015 05:28 - United States - Lewes

Today, the only way I could get my boyfriend to come over for a serious discussion was to heavily imply I wanted to talk about having a threesome. In actual fact, I just wanted to break up with him face-to-face, because he barely acknowledges my existence unless he's horny. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/8/2013 07:36 - United States - Goodyear

Today, my girlfriend of 3 weeks gave me an ultimatum: marry her, or she kills herself. FML

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By samba_spaz - 19/9/2019 06:01 - United States - Los Angeles

Groove is in the Heart

Today, I was at my usual drum circle. This guy I'd never seen before showed up and started playing an unfamiliar beat. Thinking he was new, I tried to teach him what to play. Turns out he was a professional drummer and was playing an advanced version of the groove I was trying to teach him. FML

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By SDCore - 12/2/2015 00:40 - United States - Glenview

Today, I got drunk at a party. I didn't want my parents to know, so I took out my phone, called my parents, and asked them not to tell them I'm drunk. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/8/2019 00:01 - Australia - Darwin

Today, I woke up in the shower at my coworker's house, with my clothes on and soaking wet. Apparently, the night before I drank too much and punched my best friend. The sad part is, I passed out on the couch, but somehow ended up in the shower, facing the wrong way. FML

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By FuglyBetty - 13/11/2014 16:44 - Norway - Arendal

Today, my dad finally added me on Facebook, When I looked through his photos, I quickly noticed he'd heavily photoshopped the photos I'm in to make me look prettier. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/3/2009 15:07 - United States

Today, I had my girlfriend over and we were hugging when she put her feet on my feet. We started walking around like that and I said, "This is hard to maintain." She replied with "So's your erection." FML

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By haku4u - 1/4/2013 23:18 - United States - Port Charlotte

Today, I got served paperwork stating that my ex-fiancée is suing me again for child support. About 7 years ago, I proved via DNA testing within the court system that I was not the father the first time. I see a talk show in my future. FML

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By OrangeTree12 - 4/4/2009 06:05 - Canada

Today, a really cute guy sat across from me on the bus. He smiled at me, then tensed his muscles and lifted a heavy bag with one arm. Thinking he was trying to act "macho" to impress me, I rolled my eyes and threw him an annoyed/disgusted look. When he got off, I realized he only had one arm. FML

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By T-Shain - 31/5/2009 05:45 - United States

Today, I rear-ended a car. While we were waiting for the police, we made small talk, at which time I learned he was an attorney. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/10/2012 07:23 - Australia - Queanbeyan

Today, I went out to a restaurant with a girl I have been dating. The only conversation was about how proud she was of her fart during work earlier, and how she managed to clear out a section of the office. FML

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By Brooke - 15/1/2013 05:45 - United States - Manteca

Today, my mother came back from her trip to Vegas. Her breasts were obviously 2 letter sizes larger. I asked if she got a boob job and she denied it, saying that it's against her religion. She's an atheist, and a liar. FML

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By Loola - 21/12/2008 05:04 - France

Today, Father Christmas touched my ass in a shopping mall. I'm a bit worried about what's going to happen on Christmas Day. FML

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By smart phone mms - 7/12/2009 06:36 - United States

Today, I got a new smart phone and wanted to surprise my girlfriend with a naughty picture with it. A few minutes after sending it, I got a reply back from my girlfriend. And my best friend. And my sister. And everyone on my contacts list. FML

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By skollasch - 25/9/2014 06:21 - United States - Highland

Today, I was told by my doctor I should start eating meat again after two years of vegetarianism, in an effort to be healthier. After horrid gas after my first turkey sandwich, I was told that my body no longer has the enzymes to digest meat. My efforts to be healthy crippled my stomach. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/3/2013 18:42 - Canada - Victoria

Today, I woke up with a giant red rash all over my face, so puffed up that I could hardly open my eyes. The doctor said it was probably from some of the compounds found in most makeup. I'm just getting into theatre and have auditions coming up. FML

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By FMyBrain - 6/6/2014 21:26 - United States - Fairbanks

Today, my brain decided to go into suicide mode. So far I've managed to open a fridge door into my face, walk balls-first into the corner of a table, and sliced my finger while trying to cut open some thick plastic packaging with scissors. I'll probably be dead by the time this is posted. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/5/2013 20:12 - United States

Today, I called my mother to tell her that I got engaged. In the 15 minute conversation that followed, 13 were spent listening to how this is going to affect her. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/11/2015 17:54 - United States

Today, I found out that aside from being savagely overworked and treated like shit for zero pay, another one of my responsibilities as an intern is to take the blame for my boss accidentally posting a link to a porn site on the company's Twitter account. FML

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By Carlyclose - 16/6/2017 00:00

Today, I got rejected from Sephora, Walgreens and Ulta for being OVER-qualified with a post-graduate diploma in cosmetic chemistry. Then, I got rejected from Estée Lauder, LVMH and Proctor and Gamble for being UNDER-qualified with a post-graduate diploma in cosmetic chemistry. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/11/2009 13:49 - United States

Today, I was shopping at the grocery market and was next in line. Behind me was a woman who only had two items, so I nicely let her in front of me, as it looked like she was in a hurry. When she was all rung up, she decided to pay her $16.45 in loose change which needed to be counted out. FML

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By KAAALIS - 16/3/2009 02:20 - United States

Today, I bit my boyfriend's neck. I felt something squirt into my mouth. Turns out I had just popped a pimple on his neck. Into my mouth. FML

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By tuck87 - 18/7/2014 15:49 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I had a customer write "fuck you" in the tip option area on his credit card slip, I have no idea why. FML

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By ncjarhead - 24/4/2010 23:38 - United States

Today, I discovered the same erotic pictures my wife emailed to me while I was deployed were emailed to several other guys by her. FML

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By omgwtf - 18/10/2009 15:32 - United States

Today, it was Homecoming. During the dance, I saw this mentally handicapped guy ask this pretty girl to dance. She said no. So I went over to him and asked him to dance. He replied that he only wanted to dance with "pretty girls" and I was not one. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/4/2016 07:16 - United States - Roscoe

Today, my 3 year-old woke up with diarrhea. The stench caused him to throw up. My husband started sympathy puking all over the floor. I'm so exhausted already that I'm considering just burning the damn house down to avoid cleaning it all up. FML

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By GoDiarrhea - 4/3/2010 18:52 - Argentina

Today, I came down with sudden diarrhea while at taekwondo practice. I discreetly called my dad for a pickup, but on our way out, he told my instructor that I had to go because I was "shitting my pants with fear". He did this in front of all my classmates. FML

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By hhhhhhhpeterwut - 19/2/2013 03:21 - United States - Bethesda

Today, as my lame excuse to not give a guy I met at a club my phone number, I told him I didn't have a cell phone. Guess what I checked when he asked me what time it was a few minutes later. FML

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Top comments

By thehoneybadger | 10

#2705063 - Saturday 18 June 2011 1:17

That guy shouldn't be travelling... unless he's got a flight phobia, he sounds like he has a serious stomach bug.

By perdix | 29

#2705699 - Saturday 18 June 2011 3:14

Maybe if you showered, wiped and wore deodorant, people around you would not get sick from your stench.

Comments

By MilkShakez | 0

#2705020 - Saturday 18 June 2011 1:13

atleats your seat buddoes are not fat

MilkShakez | 0

#2705057 - Saturday 18 June 2011 1:17

That was a typing fail, my bad :(

pertained | 12

#2705192 - Saturday 18 June 2011 1:28

lol, Atleast they didn't Chunder literally everywhar

herrobear | 0

#2705221 - Saturday 18 June 2011 1:33

On the bright side, if he throws up any more than he already has, he'll probably die before hour one...oh wait

miraggg | 1

#2706066 - Saturday 18 June 2011 4:27

at least it wasnt projectile vomit all over your lap

zendaddy0 | 0

#2706180 - Saturday 18 June 2011 4:49

in what circumstance would that not be a problem!?!?!?!?

ThanksKarma | 0

#2707005 - Saturday 18 June 2011 6:16

That smell must be awful.

torio123 | 27

#2708183 - Saturday 18 June 2011 11:49

oh I suck at flying. I spew pretty much every 10 minutes. I always feel sorry for teh people sitting next to me :D

iSitt | 0

#2709434 - Saturday 18 June 2011 17:43

don't worry, he'll soon be out of ammo

jassi101 | 5

#2713380 - Sunday 19 June 2011 4:54

Lol...

By Jimmyd0t | 0

#2705047 - Saturday 18 June 2011 1:16

wtf -_- I feel your pain OP, fyl

By redneck0328 | 5

#2705050 - Saturday 18 June 2011 1:16

you gonna eat that hot dog?

By thehoneybadger | 10

#2705063 - Saturday 18 June 2011 1:17

That guy shouldn't be travelling... unless he's got a flight phobia, he sounds like he has a serious stomach bug.

obnum | 19

#2705247 - Saturday 18 June 2011 1:37

agreed

Alysin | 14

#2705358 - Saturday 18 June 2011 1:57

sounds like zombies, ....time to ready the chainsaw!

deefan101 | 11

#2706231 - Saturday 18 June 2011 5:02

yes totally agreed! 

By kyanisaurus | 0

#2705114 - Saturday 18 June 2011 1:21

butt plug?

By ripgeorgecarl1n | 7

#2705160 - Saturday 18 June 2011 1:25

I've never seen anyone use one of those, and I fly a lot!

shybear15 | 0

#2705444 - Saturday 18 June 2011 2:19

haha... I love your pic

eminemchick | 19

#2705688 - Saturday 18 June 2011 3:12

agreed, ur pic is win:D

By Cheylea | 10

#2705164 - Saturday 18 June 2011 1:25

Eww I feel your pain...

By SirBedevere | 0

#2705176 - Saturday 18 June 2011 1:26

Why not give him the good ole American sue?

SirBedevere | 0

#2705187 - Saturday 18 June 2011 1:28

Why not*

demonspeed | 0

#2706811 - Saturday 18 June 2011 5:54

I'm not sure if this was supposed to be a jab at Americans but if so I'll sue you buddy! no really wtf are you trying to say?

By smexehXredhead0 | 0

#2705206 - Saturday 18 June 2011 1:30

Nasty! Ask if you can move!!!

kendallhi | 9

#2707096 - Saturday 18 June 2011 6:29

haha I love your pic

By Saltime | 0

#2705215 - Saturday 18 June 2011 1:32

When they run out of sick bags, are you going to lend him your hat?

Iamnotmyself | 17

#2705837 - Saturday 18 June 2011 3:38

Something tells me he will have already used his hat. considering that he would be constantly puking and will eventually puke up his intestines which would most likely make OP puke or faint of shock, which in both cases there would be no use for a hat for the very ill passenger. Unless you can use the hat for the previous stated intestine problem.