Health: Today, I had whiplash after my dad and I were rear ended by a...

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 0

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 8

You deserved it 0

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 79

You deserved it 704

24/11/2015 05:49

Today, I had whiplash after my dad and I were rear ended by a suburban. Despite the state trooper saying I should go, my dad delayed taking me to the ER because he wanted to pick up the dog from "doggy daycare" and take her for a nice long walk, while I waited for my mom to come home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 836

You deserved it 1 502

Health

Broken heart

Hiding from the drama

We need to know more!

20/07/2019 02:09

Today, I had a dream about sleeping, which is a dream I have frequently. I’m exhausted even when I sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 488

You deserved it 121

02/02/2013 06:57

Today, I spun off the road and into a ditch. The insurance company told me I'd have to wait an hour, as they had other cars to tow first. I had to pee so badly that I resorted to using the only thing I had in my car: a plastic bag. That's when I got a knock on my window from the tow truck driver. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 595

You deserved it 6 054

16/02/2009 05:45

Today, I submitted my picture to a rating website. It was rejected because I didn't clarify which person I was. The picture was of my dog and me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 374

You deserved it 7 028

Thanks, Shep

By Anonymous - 24/04/2021 14:01

Today, I'm recovering from a fall down the basement steps. I was carrying a casserole down to the fridge we have in the basement. I tripped, crashed at the bottom and broke my arm. Our dog came running down to investigate, completely ignored me, and just started eating the casserole off the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 020

You deserved it 121

08/07/2016 13:22

Today, my sister stole my bike and gave it to her boyfriend. When I told my parents, they said it was fine, because I wasn't using it anyway. The reason I wasn't using it was because it needed a new tire, and I was saving up for one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 554

You deserved it 886

11/04/2013 00:45

Today, as I walked out of the local store, I noticed a young girl was sitting on the curb, crying. I nudged her with the Snickers bar I had bought earlier, thinking she needed it more than me. After looking at it, she yelled, "PEDOPHILE!", punched me in the balls, and then ran away screaming. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 310

You deserved it 12 662

25/05/2010 19:08

Today, I had a dream about toasting with champagne. Whilst asleep, I extended my hand to toast, then brought my hand to my mouth to "drink the bubbly." I knocked over the glass of water I keep on my bedside table. My iPhone is now ruined, and in shock of my wet arm, I jerked backward headbutting my wife's face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 627

You deserved it 7 544

Are you there?

By Anonymous - 01/06/2021 12:59

Today, I had an awful dream where my uncle died from a massive heart attack. When I woke up, my brain interpreted the dream as being a real thing that really happened. It wasn't until my uncle called and asked me why everyone thought he was dead that I finally came to my senses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 706

You deserved it 324

Fetish

By Anonymous - 25/07/2019 12:00

Today, my boyfriend and I finally had sex. The entire time he kept begging me to fart, especially on him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 395

You deserved it 253

17/03/2015 21:11

Today, at 2:00 am, my neighbor discovered "What Does The Fox Say?" He loves it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 123

You deserved it 2 447

12/07/2012 19:23

Today, while making out with my boyfriend, I realized he was opening his mouth wide a lot. At first, I thought he was trying to French-kiss me. He was actually yawning through the whole thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 794

You deserved it 4 880

We need to talk

By Anonymous - 30/07/2015 19:29

Today, I just found my husband on Craigslist. He's working away from home, and he's looking to give a blowjob. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 463

You deserved it 2 936

09/10/2011 03:53

Today, I learned the hard way that your little brother is not joking when he threatens to shave your eyebrows if you don't let him watch cartoons. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 373

You deserved it 6 753

22/05/2019 11:47

Today, I found out that my new roommate is dating my ex-boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 788

You deserved it 108

Start your Monday with a Song!

By inappropes - 08/07/2019 14:00

Today, I came into work early to clean equipment, with my headphones on, singing to myself. I lost track of time, and wound up with the entire office watching me belt tunes out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 185

You deserved it 736

09/01/2016 03:20

Today, I found out what unwashed, warty feet taste like after someone kicked me in the mouth with one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 190

You deserved it 1 800

24/08/2009 16:43

Today, I corrected my mom in front of our family while she was ragging on my 12 year old cousin who got a piercing. She said, "You don't understand you don't have kids, but on the other hand you probably never will!" I have Polycystic ovary syndrome, she is right, I probably never will. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 044

You deserved it 3 565

11/12/2013 20:14

Today, my grandma added to my elephant collection by giving me some underwear with elephant ears on the hips, and a long, sock-like nose. She has no idea they're meant for a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 730

You deserved it 5 373

15/11/2015 06:06

Today, I regret asking my neighbor to turn down his music last night. When I left for work, I found his car parked so close to mine that I couldn't squeeze between them. His wife's was parked the same way on the other side. They wouldn't answer their door and I ended up being late to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 360

You deserved it 2 219

27/07/2009 04:10

Today, my immature dad said I am a girl not a woman, so my witty response was ''I have a period, I'm pretty sure that makes me a woman.'' My dad stole my phone and sent a text to everyone in my address book, quoting me. Including the guy I like. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 495

You deserved it 16 636

10/05/2019 08:00

Today, I learned that drunk me from last night is apparently great at flirting. She also apparently flirted her way to a free bottle of white wine, only to shatter it on the kitchen floor at 2 a.m. How did I find out? Three words: glass in foot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 387

You deserved it 606

07/09/2016 16:44

Today, I figured out why I have been feeling so drowsy and lethargic for the past week. My daughter had been slipping sleeping pills into my coffee as payback for taking her phone away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 778

You deserved it 1 708

04/05/2016 14:15

Today, I found out that my daughter not only has a boyfriend, but that they're trying for a baby. She's barely 15. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 664

You deserved it 2 831

28/07/2011 22:25

Today, after being recently laid off at work due to "cutbacks", I went job searching around town. During my drive, I cruised past my old workplace and saw a "now hiring" sign in their window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 785

You deserved it 4 022

25/10/2011 01:46

Today, a neo-Nazi stopped me and commented on my blue eyes and blonde hair. He went on to explain that I could be "pure", and should follow him and other Aryans in the campaign to eliminate Jews, and other "abominations". Good thing he didn't see the Star of David necklace around my neck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 461

You deserved it 3 854

Thanks a bunch

By nose hurts - 30/12/2012 01:01

Today, I was leaning over cleaning a table at work, when my pretty coworker came up behind me and slapped me on the butt. I was so startled that I slipped and smashed my face into the table. Now she can't look at me without laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 560

You deserved it 3 462

28/07/2009 22:28

Today, my boyfriend came over so that we could have some "fun". It turns out, his idea of foreplay is squishing my breasts together and making them talk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 641

You deserved it 8 410

08/11/2010 21:11

Today, I discovered I am the "before picture" in an internet weight loss advert. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 470

You deserved it 8 957

05/08/2019 02:02

Today, I pointed out to my manager that I haven’t been paid for my first month's work. They told me my paperwork had been misplaced, so I hadn’t actually been hired yet. So I just worked a full month for free. Oh, and apparently they’re not legally obligated to pay me, so I’m not getting paid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 198

You deserved it 161

Do you have an evil twin?

By Anonymous - 28/06/2017 01:44

Today, my wife's parents came over, insisting they saw me at the bar at 1:30 p.m., talked to me, and that I left with another woman. I was at work all day. I have no idea what they are talking about, I've never done this. My wife doesn't believe me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 168

You deserved it 357

17/01/2017 10:00

Today, my girlfriend called my flaccid penis her "little squishy" in a voice like Dory, and became upset when I got aroused because little squishy was gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 015

You deserved it 1 210

27/05/2009 11:44

Today, I was woken up at 2 in the morning by my phone ringing. As I groggily reached for it I managed to knock my fan onto my head, leaving a grate-shaped bruise. The best part? My phone wasn't ringing, I dreamed myself awake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 142

You deserved it 5 775

07/06/2009 21:49

Today, I woke up to my wife talking in her sleep, "No Brandon! I don't want to have sex!" My wife won't have sex with me when she's awake OR in her dreams. FML

I agree, your life sucks 79 603

You deserved it 6 256

Envy

By Anonymous - 26/08/2010 08:15

Today, while watching my guinea pigs have sex, I got jealous. Yeah. It's been that long. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 168

You deserved it 13 065

22/10/2015 00:57

Today, my sister asked me to grab her some toilet paper. I refused, so she grabbed my favorite shirt out of the laundry basket and used it to wipe. I was busy icing my sprained ankle. I couldn't walk. She knew this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 671

You deserved it 3 943

05/02/2010 07:33

Today, I lied to the treadmill about my weight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 758

You deserved it 35 200

08/03/2012 01:08

Today, I asked my boss for a raise. He gave me a cupcake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 243

You deserved it 3 870

24/12/2009 23:35

Today, I woke up to see that I had two black eyes from a cheerleading stunt gone wrong yesterday. I decided to curl my hair to distract from them. While curling my hair I accidentally burned my cheek. I now have two black eyes and a huge burn on my cheek. My extended family is coming tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 736

You deserved it 7 220

Taking advantage

By Stigmamma - 28/06/2020 05:06

Today, after 3 months of my man claiming he's going to start eating better "next week", he finally went on a diet. What changed? I started eating healthy while trying for a baby. He is "supporting me" by getting me to do extra meal prep for him too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 241

You deserved it 261

07/03/2012 00:14

Today, I had six long hours with the same math teacher. To get home, I travel by bus. Guess who sat down next to me for the whole trip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 661

You deserved it 2 481

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Top comments

Tripartita 44

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Tuesday 24 November 2015 17:07

That Worst Father of the Year award isn't going to earn itself…

Rugabee 19

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Tuesday 24 November 2015 17:05

Your dad is messed up.

Comments

JewKnowIt 19

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Tuesday 24 November 2015 17:03

Dang OP. I would freak out on him if he tried that

OSMC 10

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Tuesday 24 November 2015 19:48

sue for negligent parenting

Lalala579121 27

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Tuesday 24 November 2015 22:10

And just to make this an even more official FML post: You should break up with your dad.

trucker2 33

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Tuesday 24 November 2015 17:04

Someone needs to get there priorities straight..

UserError94 18

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Tuesday 24 November 2015 20:00

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Redgy22 26

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Tuesday 24 November 2015 20:15

OP was hit by the suburban.

UserError94 18

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Tuesday 24 November 2015 20:31

Oh....she deaddd

MariaGiovanni 25

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Wednesday 25 November 2015 2:02

Yes someone needs their priorities straight indeed.

Chadica 17

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Tuesday 24 November 2015 17:05

Hopefully you didn't have to wait super long for your mom to come home.

Rugabee 19

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Tuesday 24 November 2015 17:05

Your dad is messed up.

erindgentry 28

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Tuesday 24 November 2015 17:06

Ohhh but I'm sure if it was the dog with him in the car he would have taken it to the Vet. Sorry OP, I hope it's nothing to serious.

Tripartita 44

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Tuesday 24 November 2015 17:07

That Worst Father of the Year award isn't going to earn itself…

hellnosucka 27

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Tuesday 24 November 2015 18:49

I wonder what that trophy looks like.

Tripartita 44

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Tuesday 24 November 2015 18:54

Luke's face when he's told that Darth Vader is his father.

hellnosucka 27

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Tuesday 24 November 2015 19:10

what a remarkable prize. no wonder OPs father is working so hard to earn it.

brenton490 19

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Tuesday 24 November 2015 19:49

Oh man I remember the day when my dad drove my sibling to work right after being rear ended by a car on the freeway. This blasted messed up world!

aswamk 18

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Tuesday 24 November 2015 20:05

Hey, he's a father to the dog too. I'm sure his opinion would hold some weight.

thawny_fml 21

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Tuesday 24 November 2015 17:09

Your dad is barking mad.

rcarn 20

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Tuesday 24 November 2015 17:16

Sounds like you got the rear end of the situation

igg125 30

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Tuesday 24 November 2015 17:19

But did you die?

XxDanno316xX 27

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Tuesday 24 November 2015 17:27

Go home commenter, you're drunk.

CyanideCyan 12

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Tuesday 24 November 2015 17:28

No but he could have been seriously injured and made it worse.

DanCastellaneta 17

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Tuesday 24 November 2015 18:03

Context clues exist you know

Lalala579121 27

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Tuesday 24 November 2015 22:12

What if OP was not kill?

Ichiya 29

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Tuesday 24 November 2015 22:26

sadly yes...but they lived!

ThrottleJockey 34

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Wednesday 25 November 2015 5:35

Indeed, she did. Thankfully though, she got better.

Cads1 24

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Tuesday 24 November 2015 17:25

A state trooper and a doctor, what a smart person.

domolovesyoshi 33

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Tuesday 24 November 2015 18:28

State troopers and police are all trained in first aid and know what to do when things like this happen as they are often first responders