Today, I had to sit and listen to the guy in the next cube brag...

By Greg - 3/6/2010 15:45 - United States

Today, I had to sit and listen to the guy in the next cube brag to his wife about the promotion he just received. The promotion my boss told me last week that I was going to get. FML

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Work

Mixed signals

Toxic parents

Billy no-mates

By Anonymous - 3/12/2018 16:00 - United States - Great Barrington

Today, it's my birthday. My husband hasn't slept with me in months. I am so humiliated every time I try to be intimate with him because I am only ever turned down. Tonight, he rubbed my leg and got mad when I fixed myself so I wouldn't be turned on. Apparently tonight was the night but I moved and ruined it. FML

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By Peaches - 22/2/2017 12:00 - United States - Tucker

Today, I was informed that I was let go from my job for not showing up for a week. A week I'd scheduled off, that management had approved. FML

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By MadSon - 11/10/2009 02:59 - United States

Today, my dad had something to tell me. He'd cleaned out my bank account to pay off 38,000 dollars worth of gambling debt. My wedding is in 5 months. FML

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By bruised_scrotum - 15/5/2014 17:08 - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, I had to inform a patient that she has an STD. She reacted by kicking me in the nuts. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/6/2019 05:15

Today, after feeling like I've been sucking as a friend and contacting a friend who has called me their best friend, but doesn't talk to me much, we grabbed a coffee. The whole time I was trying to have a conversation, she was on her phone. FML

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By budbunny13 - 30/6/2011 23:08 - United States

Today, I saw a pink, slimy thing coming out of my dog's knob. I got really freaked out so I took him to the vet, only to find out that it was his penis. FML

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By athletiks - 26/3/2014 22:39 - United States - Pullman

Today, someone on Instagram posted a picture of himself with gym lifting straps around his neck. I commented "autoerotic asphyxiation" and now a 250-pound bodybuilder wants to kill me. FML

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By RIP - 15/7/2012 05:02 - United States

Today, my mom came over to me and whispered something in my ear. I didn't hear it and assumed it was a joke, so I started laughing. Turns out my aunt died. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/9/2018 01:30

Today, I was texting with my childhood crush late at night and we were exchanging secrets. I figured this was as good a time as any to tell her about my long-standing crush on her. Turns out she's a lesbian. FML

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By kansasgirl - 2/3/2010 18:21 - United States

Today, my two year old decided to run out the front door alone. I ran after him, tripped over the bottom of my jeans, fell onto the sidewalk and scraped up both my hands and knees. My neighbors just watched. FML

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By dumpedtaco - 18/2/2018 19:00

Today, as I was planning my impending nuptials with my fiancé, my sister jokingly told him it's not too late to call it off. He took her seriously and bailed. He won’t answer my calls. FML

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By Bridget - 6/5/2012 18:01 - United Kingdom

Today, I married the man of my dreams. While I was being driven to our wedding reception, I checked my Facebook. My husband had just updated his status to "Me and the bitch just got hitched." FML

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By Anonymous - 11/12/2013 08:25 - United States

Today, is my little sister's 16th birthday. I spent my last $20 on a gift for her, cleaned the house for her party, made an ice cream cake, and got her a rose. What did I get? "I hope you kept the receipt for this. Oh, and stay in your room during my party." FML

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By Anonymous - 3/12/2011 02:02 - United Kingdom

Today, at a nightclub, a cute girl started hitting on me. I got into it and we danced. Just as she started getting frisky with me, a guy shoved me off, smacked me to the floor with a right-hook, and shouted, "That's what you get for touching my woman." FML

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By MissBeEyeTeeSeeH - 8/11/2009 11:46 - Canada

Today, It was pretty nice out, so I decided to walk to work. Not twenty minutes after leaving, it started to pour. I was soaking when I got there and had to change. My boyfriend works next door, so I asked him if he could give me a ride. His reply? "Sorry Babe, I just can't be seen with you like that." FML

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By whygod - 12/6/2016 13:45

Today, I walked in on my 12-year-old sister, naked, streaming herself eating a banana. FML

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By Busted - 26/7/2010 12:26 - South Africa

Today, I was woken up because the police were pounding on my door, and saying I am under arrest for stealing road signs. My friends went drinking last night and thought it would be funny to steal seven stop signs, four bus stop signs, and two children crossing signs then plant them on my front lawn. FML

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By Justwantedathankyou - 18/8/2017 06:00 - United States - Loudon

Today, I noticed that an SUV forgot to put their gas cap back on, so I tried honking and flashing my lights to get their attention. They slammed on their brakes, causing me to rear-end them. So much for good karma. FML

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By unemployed - 9/11/2018 15:30

Today, after months of job searching, I finally got a call for an interview. Right in the middle of the call, my phone hung up so the music app could open. I tried calling them back and got no response. FML

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By Bartender - 20/10/2014 21:04 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, near the end end of my shift as a bartender, a drunk man stumbled into my bar, got upset because I refused to serve him, puked into my tip jar, then offered me half a pack of cigarettes in exchange for sex. FML

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By ocdeane - 1/10/2019 22:00 - Germany - Mainz

Disgusting

Today, I noticed a disgusting, cheesy smell and spent all day wondering what it was. I later found out that it wasn't coming from my feet, but from my belly button. My surgery wound got infected. I'm a germaphobe. FML

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By Noname - 7/2/2009 20:42 - United States

Today, my mom was telling me a funny story about when I was young. So I said 'yeah I was funny huh?' She replied 'Yep, I had a funny one and a pretty one'. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/1/2017 18:25 - Australia - Brisbane

Growing old gracefully

Today, I found out that as I get closer to 40, I often need to wipe my arse when I fart. FML

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By hello - 11/7/2010 00:57 - Jordan

Today, I was so bored at a family gathering that I pretended to be busy texting the whole time. I don't know what's worse, that I'm not close to anyone in my family, or that I have no one close enough to text to about such things. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/11/2008 08:42 - France

Today, my boss said to me: 'You know, our competitors are also hiring!' FML

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By me - 2/3/2011 23:21 - United States

Today, my fiancé and I had a fight over household expenses. He's never had a job in his life, but this didn't stop him demanding that I get another full-time job to pay for video games and beer. FML

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By BonGoWash - 7/2/2013 14:45 - United States - Bronxville

Today, I went to do my laundry. Having no laundry bag, I put clothes in a suitcase and headed to the basement. When my roommate saw me, she burst into tears with happiness. FML

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By anonymous - 5/5/2009 14:17 - United States

Today, a hot girl got into the elevator just as I took a bite out of my Three Musketeers bar. I instinctively smiled at her and chocolate drool poured out of my mouth. FML

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By mjbx - 1/1/2012 19:02 - United Kingdom

Today, I decided to write a romantic email to my boyfriend describing how much I love and miss him. An hour later, I got an email back saying, "I think we need to discuss this." It seems I sent it to my teacher by mistake. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/12/2014 05:05 - United States - San Diego

Today, I came home to find out my roommate sold my PS4, because, "You don't use it anymore." FML

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By lapines01 - 12/8/2019 02:00

Today, I went on a date with this really cute guy. We were walking in a park and decided to go on the swings. As I was swinging super high up, I threw up. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2016 00:36 - United States - Westerville

Today, I need a new mattress. Last night, I slept on the floor. It was the best sleep I've had in a while. FML

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By jigglypuff100 - 20/12/2011 00:56 - United States

Today, while working at the zoo, I noticed a boy throwing candy into the warthog's exhibit. The fastest way to get there was to go through the exhibit, and speak to the kid from inside. I must have said three words when a lollipop hit me in the eye. Then the warthog peed on me. FML

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By Gurior - 4/9/2011 07:01 - Canada

Today, the condoms I bought a few years ago as a celebration of dumping my girlfriend due to a lack of sex, have expired. Every last one of them. FML

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By hwscrewed - 10/11/2010 04:00 - United States

Today, I was writing my narrative essay for my English class. When I turned it in, I was really proud of what I thought I wrote. Evidently for some people listening to music while writing essays is a bad thing. My essay was filled with little bits of ZZ Top lyrics. FML

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By none - 17/1/2009 23:35 - United States

Today, was just like almost every for the past few months; I slept till 1pm, smoked cigarettes, jerked off, went to the store to get coffee, smoked more cigarettes, and sat in my room alone until 4am, jerking off and smoking cigarettes. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/12/2010 02:21 - United States

Today, I was Rizzo in a production of Grease. I sang a line about needing a ring. I've been able to put up my left ring finger for every rehearsal, but today I put up the one next to it. I flipped off the audience. FML

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By PityKitty - 24/12/2013 16:53

Today, I pretended to cry in front of my cat because she doesn't cuddle with me anymore. Yeah, I tried to guilt-trip my cat into loving me. FML

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By "penne_pasta580802" - 23/1/2020 14:00

Ultimately

Today, I decided to take my car to work as I had some errands to do after. I only live a few blocks away. After driving round to find a car park for ages, the closest car park available was outside my house. I ended up walking to work instead. FML

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By KeysToHappiness - 16/8/2015 12:39 - United States - Roseville

Today, I was kayaking with my family for my birthday, when we tipped over while going down a rocky cascade. My husband badly cut up his arm, and my car keys and my phone both went for a swim and never returned. Great birthday. FML

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Top comments

By Andryah | 0

#1017910 - Thursday 3 June 2010 19:23

Bastard

By RedPillSucks | 31

#1017908 - Thursday 3 June 2010 19:23

Sucks for you. Sorry

COMMENTS

By RedPillSucks | 31

#1017908 - Thursday 3 June 2010 19:23

Sucks for you. Sorry

wreckem881 | 0

#1017926 - Thursday 3 June 2010 19:29

well Greg looks like you need to sharpen your career skills a bit

austin_DGAF | 0

#1018088 - Thursday 3 June 2010 21:21

and it looks like you are sitting on a toilet.

p.s. clean up

Tikwichka | 5

#1018097 - Thursday 3 June 2010 21:29

A dirty mirror and finished toilet rolls in the background do not make a good photograph.

wreckem881 | 0

#1018098 - Thursday 3 June 2010 21:30

the only thing needing cleaning up is your attitude, Sir

wreckem881 | 0

#1018101 - Thursday 3 June 2010 21:31

haha at first I mistook you for a guy

KTpants | 0

#1018174 - Thursday 3 June 2010 22:48

lol @ 49

Tikwichka | 5

#1018233 - Thursday 3 June 2010 23:57

To be fair, I am dressed as a Dalek :-P

By Andryah | 0

#1017910 - Thursday 3 June 2010 19:23

Bastard

rikard_fml | 0

#1017913 - Thursday 3 June 2010 19:25

indeed

nicholaslim | 0

#1017986 - Thursday 3 June 2010 19:47

hello there 3, you're cute ;D

irsmeagol | 0

#1018016 - Thursday 3 June 2010 20:17

u fail

matrasveer | 1

#1018018 - Thursday 3 June 2010 20:19

That's so desperate and it's not even her. I'm willing to bet OP's raise... oh wait..

austin_DGAF | 0

#1018095 - Thursday 3 June 2010 21:26

So 31, how is the whole hitting on girls over FML working for you?

Petey_devil | 0

#1018162 - Thursday 3 June 2010 22:39

3 is fake. that picture is all over ads for "real people" dating sites, like ads on myspace.

iJasper | 8

#3043627 - Friday 5 August 2011 10:13

58, You still use Myspace?

By bodoquito89 | 0

#1017916 - Thursday 3 June 2010 19:27

how did he get it when you'd been told it was for you?

By Stefany713 | 0

#1017917 - Thursday 3 June 2010 19:27

and the thread-jacking begins >:D

By lanester25 | 0

#1017918 - Thursday 3 June 2010 19:27

I'd key his car bastard

By lisaaaar | 0

#1017919 - Thursday 3 June 2010 19:28

unless if it was in writing then it wasn't yours :x. just sayin

By kbobcat | 0

#1017920 - Thursday 3 June 2010 19:28

thats sucks, and 1 and 3 are very pretty

RedPillSucks | 31

#1017967 - Thursday 3 June 2010 19:42

I feel slighted...
*sigh*

By mikagesouji | 0

#1017921 - Thursday 3 June 2010 19:29

That really sucks.

By buggybeauty | 0

#1017922 - Thursday 3 June 2010 19:29

fyl!!

By rakume | 0

#1017924 - Thursday 3 June 2010 19:29

that sux. well at least you still have a job