Kids: Today, I had to rush my son to the ER after he ate a poisonous... - FML

By slim_breezy - 04/06/2016 07:41 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I had to rush my son to the ER after he ate a poisonous plant. He said the plant looked like one in Skyrim and he thought he'd get super powers from eating it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 400

You deserved it 2 437

There's no helping some people

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Ad break

Broken vibrator

By Anonymous - 05/12/2019 20:00

Today, I received my package. I ordered a vibrator, I was so excited to use it, but when I was finally ready to use it, I found out that it broke during the delivery. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 021

You deserved it 247

Some people are just lazy

By Anonymous - 22/06/2017 00:00

Today, while working, I saw a man napping under a tree. He was still there 3 hours later. Turns out he was dead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 677

You deserved it 305

By I did them anyway - 20/07/2015 22:01 - New Zealand

Today, my flatmate asked me to wash the large pile of dishes on the bench, and if I would start on cleaning the house which was a total mess. This would have been fine if I hadn't just walked in after being away for a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 957

You deserved it 2 161

By Kelly - 26/05/2019 20:30

Today, my mom dropped me off at a friend's house. Upon leaving, my friend's mom said how much I looked like my mother. My mother then replied, "That's funny, she was adopted." This was the first I'd heard of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 291

You deserved it 135

The '80s called

By Anonymous - 20/03/2021 13:59

Today, I received 3 phone calls and 3 long and rather monotonous messages on my answering machine. Literally monotonous. As in, repeating the same tone over and over. The caller was a fax machine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 702

You deserved it 75

By dammit33 - 28/05/2012 13:55 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I got a $20 tip from an old lady I delivered pizza to. Ecstatic, I walked back to my car where there was a $30 parking fine waiting for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 716

You deserved it 8 879

Zing!

By Anonymous - 30/09/2019 02:00

Today, I overheard my wife and teenage daughter arguing. My wife was complaining that our daughter is unappreciative. "You should thank me for giving you life," she said. My daughter snapped, "I thank God for that, not you." My wife sighed and said, "He didn't have to sleep with your father." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 852

You deserved it 198

By Anonymous - 17/07/2011 23:29 - United States

Today, I forced myself into work with severe laryngitis. Normally this wouldn't be an issue, except I work at candy and ice cream store at a major tourist destination. For seven hours I had to communicate with unsympathetic adults and screaming, bratty kids by miming and using a dry erase board. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 742

You deserved it 8 497

By tailgaterhater - 17/08/2009 04:44 - United States

Today, a girl was tailgating me, even though I was going at speed limit. Annoyed, I drove 10 mph under the speed limit, and every time she honked, I went 5mph slower. Too bad she got the last laugh... I was pulled over for "reckless driving." FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 957

You deserved it 47 289

By ColdFoot - 03/10/2009 06:38 - Australia

Today, my train was canceled so my ticket expired by the time another train arrived. I was fined $90 by ticket inspectors 'cause my claim that the early train didn't run was "unsubstantiated". Leaving the train I was pushed by the crowd, fell, lost a shoe and had to walk home with one bare foot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 077

You deserved it 2 721

By Evan Chong - 13/07/2011 14:48 - Canada

Today, I went to a concert with a friend of mine. When his dad came to pick him up, I walked towards the car, expecting a ride. His dad told me he didn't have time to drive me home. I'm his neighbour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 195

You deserved it 4 360

By appendicitisanyone - 28/12/2016 17:44 - United States - Fairfield

Today, I awoke to the pain of appendicitis. Apparently it isn't a good enough reason to miss court. I now have a warrant out for my arrest. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 722

You deserved it 612

Whooped

By leah - 16/10/2019 22:00

Today, I was standing in the shower drying off when my sister came in the bathroom. She must have thought I was a burglar because she hit the shower curtain and punched me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 403

You deserved it 124

By oprahahaha - 02/03/2009 04:20 - United States

Today, I went on a blind date that my sister had set up. When I arrived at the coffeeshop, I approached a man waiting by the counter, asking if his name was Tim (my date's name). He looked at me and said no and then left with a drink clearly labeled "Tim" in bold letters. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 699

You deserved it 4 431

By Anonymous - 30/07/2019 06:10 - Australia

Today, I was getting ready for a date, so to avoid stinky pits, I went to put some deodorant on. However, when I raised my arm to apply it, I almost sliced my hand off when I raised it right into the ceiling fan. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 253

You deserved it 748

Let's go for a walk

By jonloran - 14/08/2015 09:08 - United States - Incline Village

Today, my friend and I were getting picked up by his dad after a carnival. As I put my stuff in the back of the car and shut the door to walk around to get in the other side, his dad drove off, thinking I was in the car, leaving me to walk up their hill. It was midnight and I ended up lost. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 735

You deserved it 2 269

By Anonymous - 06/02/2016 03:24 - United States - Franklin

Today, at my minimum wage job, we received a half-way decomposed dog found in a lake. It was my job to tear open the bag and try to identify the breed and color. It would've been easier if the body wasn't crawling with maggots. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 459

You deserved it 1 814

By Anonymous - 09/02/2013 20:03 - United States - Chula Vista

Today, I gave my 5-year-old daughter a unicorn pillow pet. She ended up giving him an ill-advised name, and has been loudly proclaiming to everyone she sees that her pillow pet is Horny. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 748

You deserved it 4 886

By holler - 15/09/2011 04:22 - Japan

Spicy

Today, I had my parents over at my new apartment. As I was telling them how quiet and peaceful my new place is, we could hear my neighbors talking nasty to each other before launching into a full-blown sex ordeal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 041

You deserved it 3 130

By lance - 12/03/2010 12:10 - Canada

Today, I parked my car to go inside to grab my wallet than I'd forgotten. In the short time it took me to do that, someone broke two of my car's windows. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 237

You deserved it 2 468

By Anonymous - 10/12/2011 03:41 - United States

Spicy

Today, I asked my boyfriend if I've gained weight. He replied, "Why do you think I've been so often on top lately?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 738

You deserved it 8 923

Shitty prank

By Crohn - 03/07/2021 04:01

Today, when I woke up, I discovered that someone thought it'd be hilarious to set up an obstacle course of boxes and furniture in the dorm hallway. I have Crohn's disease, and the bathroom is at the other end of the hall. No, I didn't make it in time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 798

You deserved it 43

Contradictions everywhere

By Anonymous - 14/05/2020 02:00

Today, I was demoted from my job because I didn't volunteer to help out with my job during COVID-19. I texted them on the day of sign-up to see if they had enough people. I was told since I was there not to worry about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 448

You deserved it 134

By Anonymous - 25/07/2015 04:20 - United States - Tempe

Today, after vacuuming, I struggled to pull the nozzle attachment out. I yanked it too hard and it flew out, hitting me in the face and causing my head to jerk back into the wall behind me. My girlfriend had to drive me to the hospital for my concussion. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 236

You deserved it 3 275

By Anonymous - 12/10/2013 22:03 - Iceland - Akranes

Today, my mom was acting really pissy, and I couldn't help but mutter that she must be on her period. Five hours later, I'm glued to the toilet with my phone, because she went all out for revenge and spiked my dinner with some hellishly potent kind of laxative. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 974

You deserved it 27 502

Pampered

By Pinsky - 04/08/2021 19:01 - United States - Chicago

Today, the 61 year-old Vice-President of our company complained about a blister to four landscapers working outside in the July heat, for 10 minutes. He then made me carry his lunch bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 781

You deserved it 71

By CHStennis_4 - 03/09/2011 04:48 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Because she farted, and thought it was "too awkward". FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 232

You deserved it 3 852

By hamster cookie - 17/10/2009 21:08 - France

Today, my 6 year old son learned that if you give a mouse a cookie, he will ask for a glass of milk. But if you give a hamster a cookie, he will try to shove the whole thing in his mouth, choke, and die. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 224

You deserved it 5 051

By Doggy... - 10/11/2011 05:56 - Australia

Today, my neighbours watched and laughed as I chased my dog around the lawn, trying to rescue the only clean pair of underwear I had in my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 677

You deserved it 9 861

By luciazee - 06/06/2013 20:51 - Peru - Lima

Today, after having spent years staying in school, working hard to achieve good grades, and avoiding all the bad kids, my mom accused me of having no direction in life and complained about how I haven't given her a grandchild yet. I'm 19. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 911

You deserved it 3 314

Monday blues

By Anonymous - 09/11/2020 11:02

Today, I asked my boss if I could take a vacation day for my birthday on Monday. She called to tell me yes, and then told me I'm getting laid off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 006

You deserved it 66

By mcginnismr - 13/05/2016 22:57

Today, I went to the doctor's office, where my mother happens to work. When my doctor tried to prank her by saying I have chlamydia, my mother laughed and said she didn't believe it, adding, "Have you even seen the way she interacts with boys?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 171

You deserved it 1 347

By Why's it so cold in here? - 01/02/2015 18:13 - United States

Today, after getting home from being in the field for a week, my wife who's a nurse, convinced me I had a spider bite on my penis. After rushing to the ER and standing nude in a cold exam room while the ER staff checked me out, I learned it's just an ingrown hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 675

You deserved it 2 952

By mm - 12/11/2012 17:27 - United Kingdom - Warrington

Today, I went to see a movie with three of my friends, and I was sharing popcorn with one of them. Halfway through the movie, my friend asked me why I wasn't eating our popcorn. I then realised I'd been taking popcorn from the man sitting next to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 779

You deserved it 8 941

By SoClose - 03/02/2009 14:25 - Canada

Spicy

Today, two girls invited me up to their room at 3 am. As soon as we pressed the up button on the elevator, the fire alarm went off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 689

You deserved it 5 459

By MetalisLife - 11/01/2017 09:50

Today, I thought I died in the shower. I was very intensely playing air guitar while simultaneously headbanging. I punched myself in the dick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 501

You deserved it 5 777

By charlieweaver21 - 21/01/2010 22:02 - France

Today, I agreed to meet my ex-girlfriend at our favorite restaurant with my hopes high. She just wanted me to meet her new boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 007

You deserved it 6 116

By Samantha Glennie - 13/07/2018 20:30

Today, due to the high pollen count and despite taking hay fever medicine, I passed out in the bathroom from not being able to breathe. My mother accused me of doing it on purpose to make her late for work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 616

You deserved it 221

Jaws

By Anonymous - 17/05/2020 05:00 - Australia

Today, I was violently sick. There was so much vomit forcing itself out that I dislocated my jaw. I continued throwing up with a dislocated jaw for an hour or so. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 064

You deserved it 128

By Anonymous - 22/07/2019 18:00

Today, while on a beach with my 3 year-long boyfriend, I went on his phone to find a restaurant I'd sent him on Instagram. Instead, I found countless messages to other women, trying to slide into their DMs. Needless to say, everyone on that beach got a free show. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 818

You deserved it 206

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

Send a private message

Sunday 5 June 2016 0:09

I used to be an adventurer like your son. Until I took an arrow to the knee.

epost1 13

Send a private message

Sunday 5 June 2016 0:04

I'm not to proud to have a similar experience

Comments

epost1 13

Send a private message

Sunday 5 June 2016 0:04

I'm not to proud to have a similar experience

Send a private message

Sunday 5 June 2016 1:06

Hey one of the plants I ate eating gave me more mana for my fire spell. Or at least I think that's why my throat was burning...

Send a private message

Monday 6 June 2016 20:31

Please elaborate!

Dale_shackleford 13

Send a private message

Sunday 5 June 2016 0:05

Well, did they?

Send a private message

Sunday 5 June 2016 5:37

Yeah, sure... the power of being brought to the hospital that is.

Send a private message

Sunday 5 June 2016 18:04

He*

ChromaScarlet 12

Send a private message

Wednesday 8 June 2016 9:13

Clearly it was a weakness to poison ingredient. Should have added more ingredients could have changed the affects :p

mjd02 15

Send a private message

Sunday 5 June 2016 0:08

I love skyrim. I hope you teach him a lesson though.

Send a private message

Sunday 5 June 2016 16:42

I think the lesson was fairly obvious without OP doing anything.

urbanbigfoot 20

Send a private message

Tuesday 7 June 2016 7:14

My best friend got me started on Skyrim a few months ago. Needless to say I am addicted.

Send a private message

Sunday 5 June 2016 0:09

Please tell me he is of grade school age and not high school or above , excluding special needs

TrippingOnAcid 29

Send a private message

Monday 6 June 2016 21:52

I'd hope not. Most games have an age rating for a reason... I'm not saying that age ratings should be set in stone - most kids 13 and up can probably handle the "18+" games - but maybe if your child is stupid enough to eat poisonous plants you shouldn't be allowing them to play mature games

Send a private message

Sunday 5 June 2016 0:09

I used to be an adventurer like your son. Until I took an arrow to the knee.

kikimajigger 12

Send a private message

Sunday 5 June 2016 5:39

Fun fact for the people who got sick of hearing Skyrim soldiers use this line: Did you know that "taking an arrow to the knee" is a Nordic idiom for getting married? All those guards didn't have the same tragic accident - they just settled down :-)

amandasoushek 16

Send a private message

Sunday 5 June 2016 7:35

46- I never knew that. Thanks for the info. I figured it was just the game having a limited quantity of "soldier" lines and it just kept cycling through (which obviously it did) but now it's not so bad since marriage is a lot more common then every single city watch man having the same accident.

Send a private message

Sunday 5 June 2016 7:47

I'm pretty sure that's been disproven as the reason behind it. It's just as likely that the 'arrow to the knee' thing has to do with a law about every bone fragment removed from an injury costing a set amount of money, and healer paying off bandits and criminals in exchange for said criminals aiming for areas that would create a lot of bone fragments- like knee caps. Add in that without knee caps walking long distances is painful, and you have a lot of people with combat training that are stuck within a certain range. May as well put them to use, and make them feel useful.

Send a private message

Sunday 5 June 2016 20:48

No,it isn't.

Send a private message

Monday 6 June 2016 18:39

Nice to meet you, Game Theory.

Send a private message

Sunday 5 June 2016 0:12

Welcome him to the real world

DrChrisOfWumbo 12

Send a private message

Sunday 5 June 2016 0:14

The drugs they use to fix his ass might make him think he has super powers for a while

Send a private message

Sunday 5 June 2016 0:20

How old is he?

Send a private message

Sunday 5 June 2016 0:24

Did he get the super powers?

Send a private message

Monday 6 June 2016 10:14

I heard he found out how much he can vomit in an hour.

crudeandrudeguy 29

Send a private message

Sunday 5 June 2016 0:28

Natural selection at work...

Nearly

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17

You deserved it 3

Today, I found out my mother listens to my therapy sessions. She’s the reason I need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15

You deserved it 1

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 684

You deserved it 91

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 179

You deserved it 287