Today, I had to run to catch my train, so I didn't get the chance... - FML

By Mulee - 7/3/2009 12:03 - Belgium

Today, I had to run to catch my train, so I didn't get the chance to buy a ticket. When the conductor was in sight, I saw he was a young man and I opened my top a little, in hopes of not having to pay a fine. When I told him I didn't buy a ticket he said: "Close your top, I'm gay". FML

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Serious times

Mr Sensitivity

That'll be Kevin in accounting

By birthday girl - 26/7/2014 04:55 - United States - Toledo

Today, it's my birthday. The only thing I received was a bill for a piss test I took earlier this year. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2019 22:00

Today, I drove my truck into the garage for a couple of minor repairs. It was returned on a flatbed with a blown engine. FML

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By scottishoatmeal - 1/2/2016 23:11 - United Kingdom - Auchterarder

Today, it's been about 8 months since I moved into my studio flat. It was already furnished, there was no bed but a fancy bedseat from Ikea. I slept uncomfortably on it for months until I realised it pulls out to become a double bed. FML

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By kyle - 5/6/2011 07:00 - United States

Today, my friend pushed me into the swimming pool. Unfortunately, we were eight feet away from the actual pool, so I face-planted and rolled in. FML

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By shunned - 3/11/2010 13:13 - United Kingdom

Today, two months after moving up to Scotland to be with my fiancé, he broke up with me because he 'didn't love me anymore and hadn't for a long time.' Shame he didn't tell me that when he was saying 'I love you, I want to marry you', having sex with me, and using my savings for a deposit on a flat. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2016 15:27 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, my dad wanted to show me a cool camera he saw on Amazon yesterday, so I let him use my laptop to find it. I realized too late that I'd forgotten to clear my browsing history. The suggested purchases section was filled with dildos and lube. He definitely noticed. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/8/2012 06:33 - United States

Today, my mom asked me if I had any plans to go out tonight. To divert attention, I pretended to be angry and accused her of prying into my social life. Actually, I have no social life and nobody to go out with. My only "big plans" were to finish my Sudoku book. FML

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By TheHatedOne - 21/6/2009 07:26 - Qatar

Today, my friend told me she had a stalker who had been emailing her. I laughed, and told her it was probably some fat, ugly virgin sat behind his computer all day. I then continued to describe and mock the stalker, only to realise that I was basically describing myself. FML

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By A. - 15/4/2009 07:48 - Canada

Today, after two weeks of living on plain pasta, I finally got my paycheck and was excited that I'd get real food, and ride the subway instead of exhausting my malnourished body with the two-hour walk to work. My surname was misspelt on the check; the bank is holding it for ten days. FML

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By anonymous - 3/2/2011 05:05 - United States

Today, I spent nearly an hour thawing out my car and driving to work in this stupid freezing rain, only to find out that I'm now unemployed due to budget cuts. FML

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By elena02 - 21/11/2015 19:45 - United States - Wayne

Today, my house is so cold that I chipped a tooth from chattering so hard. FML

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By Luke - 7/11/2011 14:53 - United States

Today, I discovered that if you are being mugged, never tell your mugger you are going to call the police because he will come back and steal your phone too. FML

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By highschoolnobody - 23/6/2009 02:28 - United States

Today, I was looking through my high school yearbook. I found a picture of myself and a couple of my friends at our senior prom. The caption gave the names of all my friends, their dates who didn't attend our school, and listed me only as "guest." FML

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By Anonymous - 5/3/2017 12:00

Today, I have a gigantic zit inside my left nostril. Good news: no one can see it and no need for makeup on it. Bad news: my nose really itches, and I constantly feel like I'm about to sneeze it out like a foreign object. FML

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By goldengirl - 26/8/2011 09:09 - Australia

Today, my doctor asked for a urine sample. It's the first time I've tried to cup my own pee. Despite the fact that I'm a woman, I managed to aim wrong, and sprayed the floor, hit the door and my handbag with my own pee. FML

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By stupdude3 - 26/3/2012 14:51 - United States

Today, I learned a valuable lesson: Make sure you learn to swim at a very young age, or else you might end up a in a swimming class with a bunch 3 and 4 year-olds, taught by your crush. FML

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By hugedissapointment - 9/8/2009 12:43 - United States

Today, I had a girl come over to my house that I had been texting for four days. I asked her what she wanted to do and she replied "take a nap". Becoming really excited I lead her to my bedroom and went to the hiding spot for my condoms, she was serious about the nap. FML

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By jeanstein - 23/3/2011 14:58

Today, I got a call from this drunk man, asking for Celeste. Since I don't know any Celestes, I told him that he had the wrong number. He kept calling for her. Apparently he can't take a hint that she didn't give him her real number, and I get to deal with him. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/3/2011 06:24 - United States

Today, I was sitting in Walmart and I saw an attractive woman walking by. Being the single guy I am, I went up to her and asked if she needed help with carrying her groceries. She responded with "You know I'm a guy right?" FML

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By Anonymous - 1/6/2017 18:00

Today, my wife is threatening divorce because I won't hire her son, my stepson, at the company I work at. Even the lowest position at my company requires a degree in computing, and prior experience. My stepson dropped out of high school to "discover himself" 12 years ago. FML

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By XxrudyxX - 12/10/2018 05:30 - Canada - Fort Saskatchewan

Today, my garage got broken into and someone stole my $3000 bike. I bought it a month ago while I recovered from a knee injury. I just got enough strength 2 days ago to ride it. I've only ridden it once. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/10/2011 08:17 - United States

Today, somebody ordered pizza and sent it to the house across the street from them, so they could shoot at the pizza guy with an air-soft gun from the upstairs of their house. I was that delivery guy. FML

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By Matt - 15/10/2009 23:17 - United States

Today, I realized that choosing to live in the honors dorms was a terrible mistake. Quiet hours start at 6 PM and the only exception is if you are a member of the university marching band, which means you can practice your instrument at anytime in the lounge... located next to my room. FML

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By manhandled - 1/2/2012 18:05 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate. He picked me up and threw me over his shoulder to take me to his room. He wasn't careful enough, and dropped me right on my head, on the hardwood floor. I ended up vomiting and came down with a headache. He still wanted to have sex. FML

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By Screwed - 3/10/2009 04:37 - United States

Today, I went to see my guidance counselor. I was supposed to hear from my college about a scholarship by October 3rd. I was worried since it was already the 2nd so I went to talk to her. She never turned in my nomination. Goodbye $80,000 scholarship. FML

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By Hit-and-Run - 13/12/2012 08:01 - Mexico - Ju?rez

Today, after an extensive talk with a relationship counselor, we concluded that I'm more likely to get run over by a car than be in a stable relationship. FML

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By bertthelamb - 17/2/2009 17:05 - United States

Today, I spent $20 on a spray tan, $30 to have my make up done, and $50 on a pretty new dress all for a special date with my boyfriend. It turns out I spent $100 just to get dumped. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/10/2009 04:10 - Australia

Today, I was informed by my manager at work that there had been an 'accident' in the playground. I then had to crawl through tunnels designed for 5 year olds, to a tiny playroom with no fresh air, and clean up a stupid kid's pee and crap. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/5/2012 19:51 - Canada - Oakville

Neighbours from hell

Today, my new neighbours moved in. I've neither seen nor spoken to them yet; all I know is that they enjoy hammering at the walls for hours on end and repeatedly setting off the fire alarm. All this in the small hours of the morning. I got two hours of sleep. FML

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By CaptainFluffyPaw - 29/6/2015 01:59 - United States - San Francisco

Today, a customer complained about me for getting their order wrong. This would have been fine if they hadn't sent their ten-year-old kid to order for them. FML

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By canispankthat - 1/10/2010 11:07 - United States

Today, I caught my husband modeling my cute floral panties. All he could manage to say was "I love you." FML

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By Helen - 10/11/2012 10:15 - United States - Pine Bluff

Today, my husband came home drunk off his ass at 2am. He started crying on my shoulder because he couldn't go home with some beautiful woman who hit on him, because sadly for him, he's married to me. FML

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By walker - 4/10/2009 21:33 - United States

Today, my family and I went on a picnic in the park 45 minutes drive away from our house. I fell asleep beneath a tree. They left me there. FML

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By Anon - 11/9/2009 01:19 - United States

Today, while at work I passed out due to my blood sugar not being normal. Despite the fact that it took 10 minutes to wake me, no one thought I was in any sort of danger. After the episode, I then got fired for "sleeping on the job." FML

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By Anonymous - 7/12/2010 00:20 - United States

Today, I was going through my mom's old yearbook. There was a page long note from her friend talking about my mother's crazy drunk sex stories and describing multiple sexual encounters she had while on a pool table. I am deeply scarred forever. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/8/2015 16:46 - United States - San Francisco

Today, at my sister's wedding, I got my 15 month old son to 'sign' the big guest book. I gave him a pen and was hoping for a cute little squiggle or something. But no, he managed to draw something that looked uncannily like a big swastika. FML

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By anon - 12/4/2011 10:09

Today, I wore a Stanford college T-shirt to school. My Spanish teacher took one look at it and said "You wish". FML

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By Noname - 26/10/2008 21:20 - United States

Today, while at the dinner table, my grandmother told me she backed over a cat. FML

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By First Kiss - 7/12/2012 12:39 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, after a romantic dinner, movie, and stroll in the park, we had our first kiss. It would have been perfect, had a passerby not thrown rubbish at us for "unnecessary public display of affection." FML

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By Anonymous - 30/7/2012 06:41 - United States - Centralia

Today, my girlfriend decided it would be hilarious if she pulled a prank on me, so she did the classic "bucket of water on a door" one. I ended up getting stitches and a concussion on my birthday. FML

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Top comments

By may_cause_fail | 0

#19956 - Saturday 7 March 2009 20:09

Don't flatter yourself.

By itsame123_fml | 0

#19953 - Saturday 7 March 2009 20:08

uuh.... who does that anywy??? thats sick

COMMENTS

By npk88 | 0

#19952 - Saturday 7 March 2009 20:08

hahahahhahahahahaha. Skank

Reply

DarkPrince_fml | 0

#979543 - Wednesday 14 April 2010 1:14

skank power fail

Reply

troyboyd05 | 0

#980230 - Friday 16 April 2010 5:36

Skank powers, activate!

Reply

megamandude455 | 10

#997649 - Wednesday 19 May 2010 17:30

nice ones 156 & 157

Reply

JoeyxCloud | 0

#1039071 - Tuesday 22 June 2010 11:16

Good job stooping down to that level skank.

Reply

B4SK3TB4IL | 0

#1462691 - Monday 27 September 2010 2:17

sandwich

Reply

BroSkii69 | 8

#1549605 - Friday 15 October 2010 4:21

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA it's funny cause you're a whore

By itsame123_fml | 0

#19953 - Saturday 7 March 2009 20:08

uuh.... who does that anywy??? thats sick

Reply

joqez | 0

#1194655 - Thursday 5 August 2010 18:06

boobies are a powerfull weapon, aim directly at the enemy, its more like: wo doesn't, at least i do

Reply

lolfood | 24

#4261740 - Thursday 5 April 2012 7:36

Who else thought of the FML with the cop?

Reply

ambear26 | 14

#4776369 - Sunday 5 August 2012 16:57

How is this an FML ?

Reply

deepunder | 17

#5528239 - Monday 10 June 2013 8:25

U are a proven slut. Want to meet up sometime?

Reply

WTF_BRAIN | 11

#6040790 - Monday 18 August 2014 0:18

I know! Using a man's pure heart against them, really just what has this society come to? Why do women feel the need to help themselves get an advantage by throwing breasts in peoples faces?

By blowupragdoll | 0

#19955 - Saturday 7 March 2009 20:09

it's conductor babe

Reply

jdude2913 | 0

#3592778 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 8:01

stupid modern society

By may_cause_fail | 0

#19956 - Saturday 7 March 2009 20:09

Don't flatter yourself.

By jojo1031 | 0

#19958 - Saturday 7 March 2009 20:10

Wow really? A constructor?

Reply

mollyluvsyew | 0

#3126042 - Wednesday 17 August 2011 15:16

*conductor. Let's learn to spell.

Reply

DWordHead16 | 19

#5653133 - Sunday 1 September 2013 11:19

The girl who wrote the FML said that I believe, lol. Then it was corrected. I see many people mentioning it ._.

By npk88 | 0

#19970 - Saturday 7 March 2009 20:16

hahaha WOW I didn't even realize she said "constructor"

Let me edit my first comment to...

hahahahahahah DUMB skank!

Reply

this_is_my_shizz | 7

#2633838 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 0:51

lmao!!

By kevind23 | 0

#19977 - Saturday 7 March 2009 20:18

Why would you tell the constructor that? It's called a conductor, genius.

By PureGold | 0

#19979 - Saturday 7 March 2009 20:19

hahahaha you deserved that xD. I love how up-front he was about it.

And it's "conductor" lol.

By tabyyy | 0

#19984 - Saturday 7 March 2009 20:26

you deserved it for calling the guy a "constructor".

By holynemesis1208 | 3

#19990 - Saturday 7 March 2009 20:29

haha. i hope you played it off cool and didn't get all pink in the face.

Reply

sullysair123 | 19

#6325659 - Saturday 20 June 2015 6:44

actually, I hope she did...she deserves it...

Reply

GreekYogurt | 26

#6400982 - Thursday 3 September 2015 13:41

Agreed