Intimacy: Today, I had to run to catch my train, so I didn't get the chance... - FML

By Mulee - Belgium

Today, I had to run to catch my train, so I didn't get the chance to buy a ticket. When the conductor was in sight, I saw he was a young man and I opened my top a little, in hopes of not having to pay a fine. When I told him I didn't buy a ticket he said: "Close your top, I'm gay". FML

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The smell detective is on the case

Thanks for the support

Corkscrew

By Anonymous - United States

Today, in an attempt to be more healthy, I made myself a large fruit smoothie. I didn't think it could or would cause me to practically shart my rectum out my ass for the rest of the afternoon. The more you know. FML

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By Cathy - United States

Today, I found out why I find damp spots on my favorite jacket. I appears that my dog often becomes very intimate with it. FML

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By drycleanplz - Reserved

Today, I wore my expensive new white jacket to work, thinking it would be a nice change from my usual black. I managed to lean in printer ink. FML

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By brokennose - United States

Today, I was at the bar and my friend and I were making fun of this guy wearing a Affliction muscle tee and bedazzled Ed Hardy hat. We were saying how he was the epitome of a douche bag and that he probably likes UFC. Turns out he's an MMA fighter and I now have a broken nose. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I found out that one of my best mates had his backpack, clothes, and everything else in it stolen at an airport overseas. I was feeling sorry for him all day. It took me 9 hours to remember that I actually loaned him my backpack for his trip. FML

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By broken - Australia

Today, my mum hit me with her car as she was backing out of the drive way, hurting my leg and crushing my bike. For the third time this year. FML

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By cakestar9 - Ireland - Ennis

Today, I went to a club to celebrate New Year's Eve. A cute guy came up to me at the bar and asked my name. I thought my 8 year long dry spell was finally about to end. I smiled and said "Chrissy!" He said "That's a whore's name!" and wandered back off into the crowd. FML

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By blackitalian - United States

Today, I went to see a famous rapper perform. My girlfriend got us up to the front to get pictures with him. He went to give me a high-five, I thought it was a fist-bump, so I made a fist. So he made a fist while I made a palm to match his retracted high-five. Then I panicked, cupped his fist and ran. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Dartmouth

Today, I sneezed incredibly hard while eating a granola bar. 5 hours later, it's still hellishly painful to swallow. Please kill me. FML

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By UniStudi

Today I sent a message out to a support group to get and give support following a sexual assault, the person who responded and was giving advice was the person who assaulted me. FML

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By Helen - 22/3/2021 07:01 - United Kingdom

Banned

Today, while showing my mum how to make a TikTok, she not only found the masturbation video I made to send to my husband while he’s away for work, she accidentally managed to post it to TikTok. FML

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By superjesse006 - United States

Today, I was fired from a job I didn't have. The manager in charge of calling me to tell me if I got the job never called, and never called me back when I left messages. The only time he called me was to fire me for not coming to orientation, which, by the way, he never called to tell me about. FML

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By eyeleanify - United States

Today, I hit a car while trying to park. Assuming that no one saw, I moved my car and parked somewhere else. Hours later I get a call from the university police. While backing up to go to the police station I hit another car. FML

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By trafficfail

Today, as I was driving to work, I glanced in my rear view mirror to see an old man behind me using binoculars to see in front of him since we were stuck in a huge traffic jam. He rear ended me. FML

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By roselysunset - United States - Cypress

Today, I came home to find my mom drunk. She asked me for a hug and then started crying, "Where's my daughter?" I'm her daughter. And her only child, as far as I know. FML

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By walllflower - Canada - Saint Catharines

Today, I went paintballing with my siblings. Once we were done, they realised I hadn't been shot at all. They cornered me in the forest and lit me up. I have welts all over my legs. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I met this really nice guy at the mall and he gave me his number. Later that night, I texted him. We got on the subject of food, and I started talking about how much I love veal. He responded with saying I was supporting animal murder, that I should go to hell and lose his number. FML

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By no - United States - San Francisco

Today, I got in a huge fight with my pregnant wife because I cannot consent to naming our future daughter Paprika. FML

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By torny>horny - United States

Today, my husband tried to be romantic by throwing me in a bed laid with roses. Too bad he forgot to remove the thorns first. FML

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By poor guy - United States

Good deed, but still…

Today, I was at Goodwill and I saw my bike, which was stolen from me a couple of weeks ago. It was a gift that my mom gave me for my birthday. The bike was being sold for 65 dollars. I had to buy it. FML

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By Xtine - United States

Today, while on the road I saw a turtle in the middle of the other lane. I slammed on my brakes and got out, holding up and pissing off several drivers on both sides of the highway. Getting closer to the turtle, I realized that it was not a turtle at all, but a very large pile of dog shit. FML

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By backfat

Baby Got Back

Today, while in bed, my fiancé rolled over in the dark and complimented me on my nice buttocks. He had actually grabbed a roll of back fat. FML

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By anonymous - Singapore

Today, I inexplicably claimed ownership of someone else's fart in the subway. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Blacktown

Today, I won a game of Monopoly against my girlfriend. She reacted by sweeping the board off the table, storming out the front door, and mowing down my mailbox driving away. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/12/2020 01:08 - United States - Cleveland

Grateful

Today, my mom made me shovel our long driveway, as it had just snowed a couple of inches. It took me two and half hours to finish. She came out and said, "Wow, is this really the best you can do?" FML

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By Agamar - United States - Skokie

Today, I was so sleep deprived that while making instant oatmeal, I poured the oats into the garbage and put the empty packet in a bowl, then microwaved it for 2 minutes. FML

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By chantelle - 12/3/2021 21:01 - Australia - Sydney

I've seen things…

Today, I woke up early and went into the kitchen to get a Monster, and my dad was getting head from his girlfriend with no pants on. FML

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By screwedwoman27 - United States

Today, I told my five year old daughter that no, she could not have ice cream for breakfast. She retaliated by pooping in the living room and smearing it on the walls. My in-laws, whom I've been trying to impress for ages, are visiting today. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was playing basketball in our company gym. I took a shot from half court, and at that exact moment, an executive walked into the gym with an important potential client. My shot bounced off the side of the backboard, off some bleachers, and right into the client's head. FML

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By me - United States - Parrish

Today, I told my bald, goatee-sporting chemistry teacher that he looks like Walt from Breaking Bad. I quickly got sent to the principal's office and received a 3-day suspension for "slandering" my teacher by implying that he makes meth. FML

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By AloneForChristmas

Today, I live in dorms and found out everyone is leaving for Christmas break. I also found out my student loan didn't go through, so now I cant afford to go visit my family that lives over 7 hours away. I guess I'll be spending Christmas alone in a dorm room. FML

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By Anonymous

Littered

Today, I'm on crutches and wearing an orthopedic boot because a 22.5 pound box of cat litter fell out of my back hatch onto my foot. FML

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By HoboWithACondom

Today, my regressive boss fired me because he found out I'm dating his daughter. Now I'm concerned what he might do if he finds out she's pregnant with my child. FML

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By Fractured - United States

Today, I fractured a bone in my knee. Now not only do I have to wear a huge knee brace for the next two months, I'll have to sit around in a hotel room all of next week while my family has fun skiing in the mountains. FML

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By Bailey - United States

Today, I was in a public restroom with my 4 year old daughter. I took her in the stall with me, and as I was using the restroom she looked down and loudly asked, "Mommy! Why do you have a beard on your peepee?!!" Then I heard everybody in the stalls next to us laughing. FML

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By LetItRip - Czech Republic - Prague

Today, I nailed every single move in my routine at a gymnastics competition. I then finished off with a perfect split, letting out a fart loud enough to wake up a kid in China. FML

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By Kyle - United States

Today, I jokingly mocked my dad about his age. He jokingly poured milk all over my head. FML

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By Albert

Useless

Today, I used up the last of my deodorant for a business meeting on Zoom. FML

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By chubbyg - Australia - Clarinda

Today, my boyfriend asked me when I was going to shave my arms now that summer is coming in Australia. FML

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By raquelcita - United States - Winter Park

Today, I went to my boss with concerns that my manager is dumping her responsibilities on me. He agreed and told me to just do whatever she wants. She gets paid twice as much as me to talk on her cellphone all day. FML

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Top comments

By may_cause_fail | 0

#19956 - Saturday 7 March 2009 20:09

Don't flatter yourself.

By itsame123_fml | 0

#19953 - Saturday 7 March 2009 20:08

uuh.... who does that anywy??? thats sick

COMMENTS

By npk88 | 0

#19952 - Saturday 7 March 2009 20:08

hahahahhahahahahaha. Skank

Reply

DarkPrince_fml | 0

#979543 - Wednesday 14 April 2010 1:14

skank power fail

Reply

troyboyd05 | 0

#980230 - Friday 16 April 2010 5:36

Skank powers, activate!

Reply

megamandude455 | 10

#997649 - Wednesday 19 May 2010 17:30

nice ones 156 & 157

Reply

JoeyxCloud | 0

#1039071 - Tuesday 22 June 2010 11:16

Good job stooping down to that level skank.

Reply

B4SK3TB4IL | 0

#1462691 - Monday 27 September 2010 2:17

sandwich

Reply

BroSkii69 | 8

#1549605 - Friday 15 October 2010 4:21

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA it's funny cause you're a whore

By itsame123_fml | 0

#19953 - Saturday 7 March 2009 20:08

uuh.... who does that anywy??? thats sick

Reply

joqez | 0

#1194655 - Thursday 5 August 2010 18:06

boobies are a powerfull weapon, aim directly at the enemy, its more like: wo doesn't, at least i do

Reply

lolfood | 24

#4261740 - Thursday 5 April 2012 7:36

Who else thought of the FML with the cop?

Reply

ambear26 | 14

#4776369 - Sunday 5 August 2012 16:57

How is this an FML ?

Reply

deepunder | 17

#5528239 - Monday 10 June 2013 8:25

U are a proven slut. Want to meet up sometime?

Reply

WTF_BRAIN | 11

#6040790 - Monday 18 August 2014 0:18

I know! Using a man's pure heart against them, really just what has this society come to? Why do women feel the need to help themselves get an advantage by throwing breasts in peoples faces?

By blowupragdoll | 0

#19955 - Saturday 7 March 2009 20:09

it's conductor babe

Reply

jdude2913 | 0

#3592778 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 8:01

stupid modern society

By may_cause_fail | 0

#19956 - Saturday 7 March 2009 20:09

Don't flatter yourself.

By jojo1031 | 0

#19958 - Saturday 7 March 2009 20:10

Wow really? A constructor?

Reply

mollyluvsyew | 0

#3126042 - Wednesday 17 August 2011 15:16

*conductor. Let's learn to spell.

Reply

DWordHead16 | 19

#5653133 - Sunday 1 September 2013 11:19

The girl who wrote the FML said that I believe, lol. Then it was corrected. I see many people mentioning it ._.

By npk88 | 0

#19970 - Saturday 7 March 2009 20:16

hahaha WOW I didn't even realize she said "constructor"

Let me edit my first comment to...

hahahahahahah DUMB skank!

Reply

this_is_my_shizz | 7

#2633838 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 0:51

lmao!!

By kevind23 | 0

#19977 - Saturday 7 March 2009 20:18

Why would you tell the constructor that? It's called a conductor, genius.

By PureGold | 0

#19979 - Saturday 7 March 2009 20:19

hahahaha you deserved that xD. I love how up-front he was about it.

And it's "conductor" lol.

By tabyyy | 0

#19984 - Saturday 7 March 2009 20:26

you deserved it for calling the guy a "constructor".

By holynemesis1208 | 3

#19990 - Saturday 7 March 2009 20:29

haha. i hope you played it off cool and didn't get all pink in the face.

Reply

sullysair123 | 19

#6325659 - Saturday 20 June 2015 6:44

actually, I hope she did...she deserves it...

Reply

GreekYogurt | 26

#6400982 - Thursday 3 September 2015 13:41

Agreed