Intimacy: Today, I had to run to catch my train, so I didn't get the chance... - FML

By Mulee - Belgium

Today, I had to run to catch my train, so I didn't get the chance to buy a ticket. When the conductor was in sight, I saw he was a young man and I opened my top a little, in hopes of not having to pay a fine. When I told him I didn't buy a ticket he said: "Close your top, I'm gay". FML

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Family values

Clean break

Kick the bum out, part 2

By sydcaller618 - United States - Richmond

Today, my six-year-old son told me how it was funny that there's "a food chicken and an animal chicken". That's going to be a fun one to explain to him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boss captured a huge spider and put it in a jar on the desk in our shop. He's named it Fluffy and is threatening to fire me if I harm it. I'm horribly arachnophobic and we share that desk. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I discovered my boyfriend is incredibly ticklish on the bottom of his feet. Trying to be a bit flirty, I slowly slid two fingers down his calf and mockingly tickled his feet. He reacted by inadvertently elbowing me in the nose, nearly breaking it. FML

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By infortunatename - United States

Today, I won a big raffle. However, my name is so ridiculous-sounding that they thought someone was playing a prank, and pulled a different ticket. I was too embarrassed to say anything. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was working Customer Service at Wal Mart. An elderly lady came to my register to return a pair of white pants. I asked her what was wrong with them and she replied "even when I had underwear on you could still see my pubic hair." The pants had hair on them. FML

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By Brittanyy_leigh - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I went to the beach. I though he was being really sweet by putting sunscreen on my back as I layed on my stomach. I got home later, and felt that my back was sore. Then I saw the giant penis on my back that been burnt in. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mckinney

Today, my 5-year-old daughter said "Mommy, why doesn't anyone wanna marry you?" I've been asking myself the same question for all too many years. FML

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By p - Canada - Markham

Today, I had a piano exam. My friend noticed how nervous I was, and recommended that I compliment the examiner for higher marks. When it was time for the exam, without thinking, I told him I liked his hair. Turns out bald people don't like that. FML

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By nd.11 - Canada

Today, I was on the city bus, and there was a woman and her child sitting behind me. I began to feel tugging on my jacket so I leaned forward, assuming the child was pulling at my jacket. I sat back and felt the tugging again. After a couple of minutes, I heard the mother say "stop chewing on that!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my fiancé — a top chef — called me at work to make sure I would be home on time for the extra special dinner he'd prepared for me. The occasion, as I later discovered, was the end of our engagement. FML

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By great - Puerto Rico - San Juan

Today, my girlfriend complimented me on my ass. Before I could say thanks, she continued by commenting that she wouldn't mind "breaking it in". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I dropped my camera down 4 flights of circular stairs from the top of a lighthouse. Everything worked, it just had a few dents. Then, as I went to put it in my pocket, I missed. It fell 3 feet and hit the floor. Now it won't turn on. FML

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By Jesse - United States - Bothell

Today, I had to get a prostate exam. Right before the doctor started, he told me that if I found it awkward at all, I should just imagine I was being probed by aliens. FML

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By well damn - United States - Columbus

Today, I helped my mom put away my baby sister's clothes. She's only a week old and has around 60 outfits. I have 4. FML

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By 1234 - Canada

Classy

Today, it was my wedding day. I had my butt clenched during the ceremony. I was giving my husband the ring, but dropped it. When I went to retrieve it, I let a huge one rip. My husband yelled, "She likes to eat beans." FML

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By ColoredPencil13 - United States - Baytown

Today, my mom made a Facebook post about me starting my period and for everyone to be nice to me. FML

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By bleachingmykidsbrains - Canada - Montr?al

Today, my mother-in-law started chasing my kids around her house to make them smell her freshly-washed underwear. They were thongs. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/2/2021 23:01 - Germany - Zittau

I was bored before I even began

Today, my ex started our conversation with, "How are you?" I asked whether this was just a way of greeting me, or if he genuinely wanted to know. He affirmed that he really wanted to know, then proceeded to talk about his work for the next two hours. FML

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By Anonymous

But he's only 5

Today, I was playing with my 5 year-old neighbor. I was changing and he saw me naked. Then he went home and his parents came over. Apparently, he told them that I have beautiful boobs. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I procrastinated on doing my on-line training for my new job. Thinking it would only take a few hours to complete, I started it in the early evening. It is now almost 4 am, and I start my new job in 3 hours. There is still about another hour and a half on on-line training left. FML

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By

She plays tricks on me

Today, I had dinner at my girlfriend's house with her parents. Everything was going great, until after dinner when her dad pulled me aside and told me he'd heard us having sex. I was out of town all weekend for a baseball tournament. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my ex-wife, who I have a 1000-yard restraining order against since she threatened my new wife and our kids, moved into a house down the street. The police say they can't do anything because her house is more than 1000 yards from mine. It's 1012 yards away. FML

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By really - United States - Denver

Today, I realized my boyfriend's right hand gets more action in a week than I do in a month. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - ?ngelholm

One night

Today, I woke up from putting my child to bed. Drowsy, I stumbled down to the kitchen to make a mug cookie. I read a recipe on my phone, and put a knob of butter in a cup to melt in the microwave. I put my phone in the microwave and turned it on for 30 seconds, and didn't realize until I smelt burning plastic.. FML

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By boredwithnothingtodo - Australia - Melbourne

Simple Pleasures

Today, I got a new washer and dryer set. It's sad when all you have to do at night is make popcorn and watch the clothes washing. I even invited friends over. FML

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By JulieClaire

Today, while driving home I saw a few deer running beside me. I stopped to let them go in front. Instead, one face-plants, ramming into the side of my brand new car. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my boyfriend did the washing as an attempt to help me. Not only are all my clothes now pink, he refuses to do the dishes, vacuuming, bathroom, ironing etc., as he has done "plenty." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Fountain Valley

Today, I missed my dentist appointment. I couldn't attend, because I was too busy puking my guts up due to a bad reaction to the pain medication I'm taking for my toothache. FML

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By unemployable - United States

Today, I had an important job interview. The interviewer really seemed to like me. Instead of hiring me, he asked me out on a date. FML

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By for the whored - United States - Corpus Christi

Today, I was listening to music on my phone and reading posts on here. I laughed hysterically at one, then noticed my parents shooting me outraged looks. Turned out I laughed while a news reporter was talking about a brutal rape that just happened in our city. FML

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By poongoon

Today, while at the supermarket, I came back to one of my car windows smashed in. Apparently, the stuffed animal my son left in the back seat looks like a dehydrated dog. FML

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By ren - United States

Today, I went to work only to serve one table, make a $9.00 tip, get sent home because it was slow, have the city busses stop running because of weather, and have to pay a $20 cab fare to get home. FML

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By msjustine - United States

Today, I discovered that my boyfriend, the one who does all the cooking in the house, doesn't wash his hands after using the bathroom. FML

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By waterballoons - United States

Today, it was a pretty nice day so I decided I would take a walk through the park to get to work instead of driving. Healthier and better for the planet, right? Wrong. Some little bratty kids were bored apparently and decided to hide behind trees and peg me with water balloons. FML

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By reallyson? - United States - South Hadley

Today, I got undressed in front of my boyfriend for the first time. His reaction? "You're chubbier than I expected". FML

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By MakesMeLol - Ireland

Today, I turned on the news to see a live report about an increase in crime in my town. One minute in, my drunk daughter appears behind the news reporter, butt naked, dancing. FML

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By AgathedeBlouse - France

Today, as I do every morning, I woke up and gave my dog, who sleeps next to me, a kiss on the nose. Except that this morning he had been sleeping the other way round. I kissed him on the arse. FML

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By English - Australia

Today, I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to go to the movies. She replies, "Sorry I have to do stuff with my parents" Her mum calls and by mistake my girlfriend pressed loud speaker, the first thing her mum said was "Be back at 11". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I ran into one of my teachers from high school. When I told her I just recently graduated college and was starting graduate school in the fall, she said "you don't have to lie, some people just are not cut out for college. There is no shame." I wasn't lying, I graduated with honors too. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my son threw the biggest fit in history about going to the dentist. He broke a whole stack of plates, overflowed the bathtub, let the dog loose, and kicked his father when he tried to calm him down. My son is 17. FML

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Top comments

By may_cause_fail | 0

#19956 - Saturday 7 March 2009 20:09

Don't flatter yourself.

By itsame123_fml | 0

#19953 - Saturday 7 March 2009 20:08

uuh.... who does that anywy??? thats sick

COMMENTS

By npk88 | 0

#19952 - Saturday 7 March 2009 20:08

hahahahhahahahahaha. Skank

Reply

DarkPrince_fml | 0

#979543 - Wednesday 14 April 2010 1:14

skank power fail

Reply

troyboyd05 | 0

#980230 - Friday 16 April 2010 5:36

Skank powers, activate!

Reply

megamandude455 | 10

#997649 - Wednesday 19 May 2010 17:30

nice ones 156 & 157

Reply

JoeyxCloud | 0

#1039071 - Tuesday 22 June 2010 11:16

Good job stooping down to that level skank.

Reply

B4SK3TB4IL | 0

#1462691 - Monday 27 September 2010 2:17

sandwich

Reply

BroSkii69 | 8

#1549605 - Friday 15 October 2010 4:21

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA it's funny cause you're a whore

By itsame123_fml | 0

#19953 - Saturday 7 March 2009 20:08

uuh.... who does that anywy??? thats sick

Reply

joqez | 0

#1194655 - Thursday 5 August 2010 18:06

boobies are a powerfull weapon, aim directly at the enemy, its more like: wo doesn't, at least i do

Reply

lolfood | 24

#4261740 - Thursday 5 April 2012 7:36

Who else thought of the FML with the cop?

Reply

ambear26 | 14

#4776369 - Sunday 5 August 2012 16:57

How is this an FML ?

Reply

deepunder | 17

#5528239 - Monday 10 June 2013 8:25

U are a proven slut. Want to meet up sometime?

Reply

WTF_BRAIN | 11

#6040790 - Monday 18 August 2014 0:18

I know! Using a man's pure heart against them, really just what has this society come to? Why do women feel the need to help themselves get an advantage by throwing breasts in peoples faces?

By blowupragdoll | 0

#19955 - Saturday 7 March 2009 20:09

it's conductor babe

Reply

jdude2913 | 0

#3592778 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 8:01

stupid modern society

By may_cause_fail | 0

#19956 - Saturday 7 March 2009 20:09

Don't flatter yourself.

By jojo1031 | 0

#19958 - Saturday 7 March 2009 20:10

Wow really? A constructor?

Reply

mollyluvsyew | 0

#3126042 - Wednesday 17 August 2011 15:16

*conductor. Let's learn to spell.

Reply

DWordHead16 | 19

#5653133 - Sunday 1 September 2013 11:19

The girl who wrote the FML said that I believe, lol. Then it was corrected. I see many people mentioning it ._.

By npk88 | 0

#19970 - Saturday 7 March 2009 20:16

hahaha WOW I didn't even realize she said "constructor"

Let me edit my first comment to...

hahahahahahah DUMB skank!

Reply

this_is_my_shizz | 7

#2633838 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 0:51

lmao!!

By kevind23 | 0

#19977 - Saturday 7 March 2009 20:18

Why would you tell the constructor that? It's called a conductor, genius.

By PureGold | 0

#19979 - Saturday 7 March 2009 20:19

hahahaha you deserved that xD. I love how up-front he was about it.

And it's "conductor" lol.

By tabyyy | 0

#19984 - Saturday 7 March 2009 20:26

you deserved it for calling the guy a "constructor".

By holynemesis1208 | 3

#19990 - Saturday 7 March 2009 20:29

haha. i hope you played it off cool and didn't get all pink in the face.

Reply

sullysair123 | 19

#6325659 - Saturday 20 June 2015 6:44

actually, I hope she did...she deserves it...

Reply

GreekYogurt | 26

#6400982 - Thursday 3 September 2015 13:41

Agreed