Intimacy: Today, I had to return a shirt to Target. My mom offered to do...

By UGH - United States

Today, I had to return a shirt to Target. My mom offered to do it for me on her way to work, so I gave her the shirt and receipt. Later, I realized that on the same receipt I had purchased condoms, lube, and whipped cream. FML

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Intimacy

Triage

TMI

That'll be Kevin in accounting

By crazycatlady - United States - Ashland

Today, I woke up with my cat's asshole planted firmly on my forehead. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/2/2021 22:01 - United States - Baton Rouge

Taking stock

Today, back in 2018, I had money and a six pack; in 2019 I couldn’t walk and had to have a back surgery; in 2020 I lost over $650,000 and gained over 40 pounds. Now, in 2021 I'm surviving and stress-eating trying not to lose everything I worked for. Fuck, I miss being a kid. FML

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By rbates - United States

Today, I decided to make a place in my house for my friends to sign called “The Friend Wall." By sign I meant sign, not draw body parts. This afternoon I ate lunch next to a basketball-sized vagina and a monumentally large blue and purple penis. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Hernando

Today, I was texting my girlfriend and asked her for a picture, expecting something provocative. She sent me a picture of her holding a positive pregnancy test. We had sex once. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Noblesville

Today, I was giving my boyfriend head on the living room couch. Apparently his two cats didn't approve, and they started attacking my face. Luckily for him, since my boyfriend was holding my head down, his privates didn't get a scratch. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Oxford

Today, I went to the print shop to get some work printed. The guy serving me printed my entire order wrong because he pushed the wrong button, so it had to be done again. He tried to charge me a fine for the mistake he made because "it's not a viable business otherwise". FML

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By horny bastard - United States

Today, I realized that instead of actually trying to get a job, save money, lose weight, and get thin so I could maybe attempt to date again; I'd rather spend my money on a Fleshlight. FML

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By Geckosrock99

Today, my iguana tried to eat my hand. Taking that as a sign of being hungry, I gave him a bowl of fruits and veggies. After he finished the bowl, he tried to eat my hand again. My iguana's an asshole. FML

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By fatty:( - Australia

Today, my 15 year old daughter got kicked out of her cheerleading squad because she was overweight. I heard one of the cheerleaders say, "She must be overweight because her mom is." FML

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By Charlatan126 - 3/2/2021 05:00 - United States - Hilliard

It's the thought that counts…

Today, I finally had a man say, "I love you" to me in a sincere tone. It was a customer, who was high, over the phone. I said it back. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/12/2020 02:01

Because I'm worth it

Today, I discovered a cat turd in a bath towel from most recent batch of laundry. I was wondering why my facemasks for the whole work week smelled so strange. FML

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By shoveless - United States

Today, I came home from school to find my house ransacked. The robbers shoveled a path from my back door to the driveway, through the snow, then they stole my snow-shovel. FML

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By AwkwardMoments

Today, while napping on the couch, I had a very vivid dream about a girl I like. I woke up to my mother and father choking back laughter and recording me on their phones. I don't know what's worse: waking up with a boner in front of my parents or finding out I was also talking dirty in my sleep. FML

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By Carl - 8/12/2020 12:02 - Australia - Abbotsford

Fake it til you make it

Today, I was working from home alone while my wife was at her office. I decided that instead of having a healthy lunch at home, I would walk to the fast food place a block over. I didn't realise that my fitness tracker would automatically log this as "Exercise (walk)." My wife clicked "Like" underneath. FML

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By charliemann_ - United States

Today, a woman came into the gas station where I work, yelling because her credit card wouldn't read at the pump. I politely told her that I could set the pump up for a set amount, and she could swipe the card at the register. Her response: "You need Jesus." FML

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By swip

Today, my previously blond boyfriend dyed his hair dark brown and shaved his beard. When he got home, I thought he was an intruder and screamed. Now he thinks I don't love him because I didn't recognize him. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Hull

Today, my brother started ranting about how fluoridated water is a conspiracy to "turn people gay". I said the government must be doing a shit job of it, since he's been drinking the stuff longer than I've been alive and is still married to a woman. He punched me so hard, my vision blacked out. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Hampton

Today, at a friendly get-together, my friend's husband had too much to drink and got into a fistfight with my husband. I'm seven-and-a-half months pregnant, and the friendly get-together was my baby shower. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I caught my 29-year-old brother-in-law scratching his poison ivy with a handful of forks before putting them back in the drawer. I called him on it and he huffed, "You've never said anything before." FML

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By Canonlizardjet - United States - Ormond Beach

Today, I had a near-death experience. Went to print a document and a lizard shot out of the printer right out at me. Gives a whole new meaning to a Canon printer, a fricking lizard Canon. FML

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By The Lone Ranger - United States

Today, I was given a $25 gift certificate for being Employee Of The Week. The gift certificate was 6 months past its expiration date. FML

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By Medfail - United Kingdom - Bath

Today, at the age of 27, I learnt that your tonsils aren't the dangly bit at the back of your throat. I work in healthcare. FML

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By EmployeeOfTheMonth - United States

Today, my attractive boss sat me down in the break room to say how much she appreciated how much work I've been doing despite being a temp. She was wearing a skirt, and I couldn't take my eyes off her legs. She then patted me on the leg and said "Good Talk". It wasn't my leg. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my crew was called out to do some house maintenance. We were nearly done, when someone had the goddamned fucking brilliant idea of washing plaster off their hands in the kitchen sink, which clogged the pipes. Instead of getting paid, we now owe for damages. FML

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By dating a pussy - United States - Maryville

Scream

Today, I was watching TV, when I heard a blood-curdling scream from my boyfriend upstairs. It sounded like he was being murdered with a rusty fork, and I rushed to see what the hell was going on, hitting my shin against the stairs in the process. He'd stubbed his toe. FML

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By reesemaster - United States

Today, I went to use the public restroom. As I saw the toilet paper was out, I could see there was some hanging down from the other stall. As I went to grab it, I felt a hand grab mine and a voice ask seductively, "what were you reaching for?" FML

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By anne - Canada

Today, my 20 year old son decided it would be funny to unbuckle my seat belt while the cops were right beside us. FML

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By blondetergent - Singapore

Today, I told my girlfriend that I'm a vegan. She replied, "So, you're allergic to meat?" FML

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By Username - Australia

Today, I was really stressed, so I tried to let it out by crying. It lasted about 30 seconds, and I was making fun of myself the whole time. Even my subconscious thinks I'm pathetic. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Suwanee

Today, I caught my girlfriend Googling how to uninstall Siri. I asked why she wanted to do that, and she said, "I don't like it. I don't like how the slut talks to you." I get the feeling I'll need a gun when I break up with this crazy fucker. FML

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By padre74 - United States - Jackson

Today, after creating a swear jar for my son, I came back to find a $20 bill in it and him saying, "How much does that buy?" FML

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By CA - Norway

Today, an elderly gentleman customer decided to tell me that while I'm not attractive at all, he'd still bang me all the same. Then he gave me a pained smile, like he was struggling not to shit himself, and left. I'm starting to hate working retail. FML

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By meh - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I asked my landlady if she could fix the air conditioner that's been broken since I moved in. Instead, she came round and took away my bathroom mirror, along with all the toilet paper. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pratt

Judgment Day

Today, my fiancé and I are house-sitting for my future in-laws for the next 3 weeks. They left a bible in both bedrooms, along with printouts of an article denouncing the "sin" of premarital sex. They're such complete whack-jobs, I wouldn't be surprised if they've set up hidden cameras everywhere too. FML

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By scared - 24/6/2020 23:02

Healthy relationship

Today, I yelled at my girlfriend for something trivial. Instead of yelling back, she was scarily calm and said, "Remember, I’ve got 50 lbs on you. Yell at me again and I’ll lay a pillow on your face and sit on it until you’re dead." I think she might mean it. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Mount Eliza

Today, I gave my boss a gift card as a late birthday present, since I wasn't in the office on his actual birthday. He accused me of trying to bribe my way to a promotion, and suspended me on the spot. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/11/2020 13:58

Happy families

Today, I just found out that my mom is cheating on my dad. I went to give my dad the evidence I'd gathered, and he just said he knew, and that he’s cheating on her. FML

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By eightleggedtictac - United States - Worcester

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend shrieking at the top of his lungs. I ran into the dining room where he was, to find him standing on the table screaming "Kill it!" while pointing at an unmoving spider the size of a Tic Tac on the wall. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I pretended to go for a run to impress someone on AIM. FML

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By videochat - United States

Today, I cancelled out of a video chat with my boyfriend to go take a dump. I took my computer with me to look at Facebook. It took three minutes for me to realize I was still on video chat. FML

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Top comments

By adelaide_evening | 0

#94690 - Thursday 9 April 2009 2:15

Tell her it was a science experiment where you filled a lubed condom up with whipped cream and saw how long it took for it to explode in a microwave.

By Jaxro | 6

#94698 - Thursday 9 April 2009 2:16

Hahahaha, I wonder what there person at the check out was like when you had all those rung up. :P

COMMENTS

By Dax212saysFML | 0

#94685 - Thursday 9 April 2009 2:15

lol

NzxtZ06 | 0

#1012184 - Sunday 30 May 2010 4:12

you ate condoms with whipped cream?

baconbag | 0

#1582939 - Friday 22 October 2010 0:12

They sell lube at Target?

sk8rchick97 | 0

#2873264 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 9:02

who buys that stuff from target?

By adelaide_evening | 0

#94690 - Thursday 9 April 2009 2:15

Tell her it was a science experiment where you filled a lubed condom up with whipped cream and saw how long it took for it to explode in a microwave.

mostlybroken12 | 0

#1396034 - Monday 13 September 2010 3:40

win!

alexh15 | 13

#3958260 - Saturday 28 January 2012 22:28

That actually sounds plausible! :)

kelseythompson | 27

#5474472 - Thursday 2 May 2013 0:47

I would be pissed as a parent if my kid was exploding cream filled condoms in the microwave

teamkakashi | 18

#6409044 - Saturday 12 September 2015 21:40

Depends on the age really

By Jaxro | 6

#94698 - Thursday 9 April 2009 2:16

Hahahaha, I wonder what there person at the check out was like when you had all those rung up. :P

iloveespresso | 0

#410755 - Sunday 19 July 2009 17:31

#3 i thought the same thing. if i was the cashier id say, "so you like it that way?"

and theyd be .. :S

connorgrant98 | 24

#6131701 - Monday 1 December 2014 6:50

They don't care

By Berkies | 0

#94705 - Thursday 9 April 2009 2:18

Ouch man

zach5432 | 3

#1400594 - Monday 13 September 2010 22:12

the op is a girl

By seitz96 | 0

#94714 - Thursday 9 April 2009 2:20

Tell her dad had me get a few things after school

By smiles1234456 | 0

#94720 - Thursday 9 April 2009 2:20

LOL #2

but i voted YDI.. how stupid could you be?

By duckpsy | 2

#94727 - Thursday 9 April 2009 2:21

hahah #2. do that if she questions you.

By medina55 | 0

#94730 - Thursday 9 April 2009 2:21

since when does target sell condoms and lube??? and just hope that your mom doesn't notice those items on the receipt

butterflygal69 | 4

#3820441 - Monday 2 January 2012 14:50

Really when was the last time u went to Target?

nco1414 | 7

#4889061 - Monday 3 September 2012 0:42

Target has always sold that stuff..

By wow_ugh_fmylife | 0

#94745 - Thursday 9 April 2009 2:23

haha woww FYL for sure! but, seriously, how could you not realize that??

By lifeiscrazyyy | 0

#94746 - Thursday 9 April 2009 2:24

woooow! sucks!