Today, I had to lie to my therapist about my sex life to make... - FML

By virgo - 30/1/2010 06:50 - France

Today, I had to lie to my therapist about my sex life to make me feel better. FML

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Understandable

Toxic parents

Billy no-mates

By hcditfi5foygy - 23/9/2018 13:30

Today, I learned that my new neighbour's car alarm goes off every time a car drives by blasting loud bass. So far, it's gone off 6 times in the last hour. I can't wait until he's done moving in here, where he and his car will stay for the next year. FML

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By Jason - 31/10/2017 04:00

Today, I found out that my best friend's dad used my internet connection to make threats online. I'm going to have to go to court for it. FML

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By just me - 13/5/2012 18:54 - Germany - Overath

Today, I argued heavily with my dad over being dragged to a family game of lacrosse. All through the game, he kept "accidentally" hurling the ball straight at me on the sideline. After he eventually nailed me straight in the heart, he screamed at me to "get out of the fucking way". FML

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By sarahc_c - 8/12/2014 09:17

Today, my boss commented on the fact that I don't usually wear makeup, then told me it would be much appreciated if I'd change that. FML

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By GD - 21/2/2009 22:11 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. I cried and told him that I loved him. He gave me a quarter and told me to call someone who cared. I threw the quarter in his face and ran. I waited for the bus, but when I got on, I realized I was 25 cents short of the fare. I walked home in the rain. FML

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By DriedDeadFroggo - 4/6/2019 04:06

Today, my dog has figured out how to open screen doors on his own, by body checking them at full force, of course, like one does. This would be all fine and good, but we live by a lake with a considerable mosquito infestation. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/9/2016 02:51 - United States - Omaha

Today, I was laying in my bed and discovered a couple stray black hairs scattered about. This was odd considering I have light strawberry blonde hair but I forgot about it only to later see my hair brush have more of the same black hairs. I live alone. I'm scared. FML

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By Terra - 19/11/2016 05:14

Today, I logged on Facebook and saw my friend who'd been engaged, then broke the engagement, then got back together announce their new wedding date: three days before my wedding. She also sent me a message asking if I'd move my date. We've been planning our wedding for two years. She got engaged six months ago. FML

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By Trooper - 15/6/2016 00:19 - United Kingdom - Caterham

Today, I saw the postman approach my house through the window, and my immediate reaction was to drop to the floor in fear. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2009 08:17 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told his parents about my bondage fetish. In front of me. FML

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By lovedoesnotexist - 24/9/2015 11:52 - Belgium

Today, my long-term girlfriend broke up with me because my hair "falls out" and I "will definitely be bald soon", even though it's not that bad. The same girl who I supported through her chemotherapy and gave her promises that I would stay with her no matter how she looked. FML

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By Grosssss - 15/7/2016 16:08 - United States - Harrisonburg

Today, I found out that whenever my roommate's friend-with-benefits comes over, he uses my bikini trimmer to shave his pubic hair. I've been using that trimmer for months. FML

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By WasNotAdopted - 28/4/2015 13:26 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my mom told me that if I wanted to commit suicide, I should make it seem like a car accident, and not do it in the house, because she would be too embarrassed if people thought she was a bad parent. FML

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By LukeSkywalker - 23/12/2011 16:38 - United States

Today, after pouring my heart out to my girlfriend of 4 years through a speech that took me 3 weeks to write, and then proposing, she responded, "Eh, why not." FML

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By seachelle - 7/5/2019 20:00

Today, the guy I've been seeing posted about having relationship problems and arguments with his girl. I've been in the hospital for surgery for the past few days and have been unable to talk to him. Before this, he told me I was the only one. Guess not. FML

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By holliefall - 2/6/2009 08:42 - United States

Today, I called Tech Support because the computer program wouldn't let me open files for my online classes. After an hour, and being walked through the downloading process multiple times. There was a pause and he said "You're a F*ing idiot." and hung up. It still won't work. FML

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By mykhael - 21/8/2013 18:58 - United States - Opelousas

Today, my girlfriend and I started fighting. Instead of arguing for herself, she decided to set her puppy on me. Only "Puppy" is the name of her fully-grown police-trained German Shepherd. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/6/2020 08:08

Warm up guy

Today, it seems that my four previous girlfriends all left me because they found better, more attractive, more wealthy, more interesting men. My entire love life feels like I’m the warm up act for the main event of other dudes getting laid. FML

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By -_- - 13/8/2011 00:05 - United States

Today, I was getting intimate with my boyfriend for the first time. I went down on him, only for him to burst into tears halfway through. Apparently, I do it just like his long-lost teen sweetheart did. I swear I could feel him go completely limp in my mouth. FML

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By kallens - 15/1/2009 23:08 - United States

Today, I was at Target with my mom. After 10 minutes of my mom walking around looking confused, I said, "Mom, what are you looking for? I worked at this place for 4 years, I know where everything is." My mom was looking for KY. FML

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By ADH2000 - 9/3/2009 22:45 - United States

Today, I had a job interview. I stopped to take a pee in the lobby before I went in. I relaxed a bit too much at the urinal and accidentally farted. I chuckled about it like a 5-year old for a few seconds. The guy that had been next to me at the urinal was the interviewer. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/6/2013 15:09 - United States - Beacon

Today, my boyfriend called me pretty. Not because he actually thinks I'm pretty, but because "Hey, how else is a guy supposed to get laid?" FML

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By Anonymous - 13/11/2010 05:21 - Canada

Today, while eating dinner with my family, I found out my boyfriend recorded me screaming while having sex with him on my phone, and set it as my ring tone on high volume. FML

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By Alanis - 21/7/2012 01:59 - United States

Today, I confessed to my co-worker that I've secretly loved him for months. He laughed hysterically for about a minute straight before shaking his head and excusing himself from the store. Even the fact that my boss fired him for leaving early isn't cheering me up. FML

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By Sticky floor - 27/7/2018 05:00

Today, my best friend and roommate has decided to "stop being controlled by society" while at home. This involves him walking around naked, masturbating whenever he wants, and not cleaning up his guys. I've stepped in it three times already. FML

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By makin bacon - 8/11/2019 20:00

Bad smell

Today, my idiot roommate read somewhere that bacon grease could be used on squeaky doors and windows. Now, we're desperately trying to scrub the rancid goop out of door hinges and window tracks. Our whole place smells like rotten pig ass and death! FML

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By Anonymous - 28/8/2014 04:34 - United States - Boston

Today, my new boyfriend and I got intimate for the first time. He started whispering in my ear, but I couldn't understand him. He pushed me away and ignored me the rest of the night. Apparently it's a huge turn-off that I can't talk dirty in Klingon. FML

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By Jakeok - 14/11/2014 00:04 - United States - Fraser

Today, I once again used my phone to get out of a conversation with someone, instead of actually talking to someone on it. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/1/2010 14:25 - United States

Today, my boyfriend, of a year, got drunk and called me flat chested then said the reason he won't have sex with me anymore is because he is "used" to me. He said all of this in front of his friends. FML

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By partygirlxxx - 24/5/2009 03:01 - United States

Today, for my birthday, my brother gave me some of those fake 'Harry Potter' edible cockroaches. I ate one. It wasn't fake. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/2/2014 22:44 - United States - Carlisle

Today, I told my husband how frisky I was feeling, and asked him what he was going to do about it. He reached into our fruit bowl, tossed me a banana and told me to work it out, then returned to his video game. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/7/2020 08:01

Protection

Today, I went on my first date in a year or so. It was going great, but after we left the restaurant, we went back to her place, where I was quickly chased out of the house by her two daughters, and her grandfather with a shotgun. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/2/2010 12:17 - United States

Today, I found out I can sneak out of my house... but not back in. FML

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By jacko - 15/8/2010 09:47 - Reserved

Today, my Platoon Sergeant caught me unshaved, so now I have to write a 1000 word essay on "The importance of shaving." FML

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By maddyUnderstood - 31/5/2019 00:00

Today, I went into a job interview for Quizno's. The boss there talked to me for an hour and half about everything on God's green earth. She noticed I was a certified swim instructor. I left Quizno's with no job, but with an appointment to teach the boss how to swim tomorrow at 9 a.m. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/9/2013 06:47 - United Kingdom - Warrington

Today, I finally got up the courage to talk to my four-year boyfriend about how insecure I've been feeling in our relationship recently, and how I needed his support while I try to get my self-esteem back on-track. He fell asleep mid-conversation. FML

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By Megan - 17/6/2012 19:38 - United Kingdom - Neath

Today, I was forced to listen and politely nod with a smile on my face, as my boss droned on and on, explaining that everything in the universe is slowly getting bigger, aside from him, because he's never felt so short before. FML

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By anonymoose - 30/5/2013 00:39 - Australia - Adelaide

Today, in the middle of our one year anniversary dinner, my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend showed up declaring her love for him. They left together and I had to take the bus home. FML

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By LassieToe - 30/3/2012 03:48 - Australia

Today, while on the train to university, I realized it was my stop and quickly stood up to get off. Or I would have, if my leg hadn't gone to sleep and caused me to fall, landing face first into the crotch of the old guy in front of me. FML

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By wrongtarget - 21/10/2009 05:40 - United States

Today, I got chewed out at work when my supervisor showed up, because my coworkers told my supervisor they couldn't find me for an hour and a half. Why couldn't they find me? Because they'd left to go get coffee. FML

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Top comments

By BlueTwist89 | 0

#809503 - Saturday 30 January 2010 16:14

That makes no sense lying to your therapist...He or she is there to help fix a problem. I hope you don't lie to your doctor.

By dacho | 7

#809511 - Saturday 30 January 2010 16:15

#3 - Fail, but sorry for you.

COMMENTS

By dacho | 7

#809490 - Saturday 30 January 2010 16:12

You had to as in he made you as a part of a therapy, or? I don't get it, really :/

Reply

responses | 0

#809565 - Saturday 30 January 2010 16:29

way to waste hundreds of dollars on a therapist. you can lie to anyone it makes no sense paying someone to listen to your lies op

Reply

justmeagirl | 0

#810210 - Saturday 30 January 2010 20:39

YDI for misusing your time with a doctor and wasting your own time and money.

Reply

Shystai | 0

#811476 - Sunday 31 January 2010 4:38

Uh, go work out and become more attractive.. Durrp?

Reply

missylewisasa | 0

#812971 - Sunday 31 January 2010 17:56

douchebag!!

Reply

loodles | 0

#960806 - Thursday 18 March 2010 4:17

what is sex

Reply

rockintothebeat | 0

#969450 - Saturday 27 March 2010 20:23

why would you tell the/rapist anything about sex?

By Rota | 0

#809494 - Saturday 30 January 2010 16:13

The only person you're hurting is yourself. dumbass.

By jujujube | 0

#809496 - Saturday 30 January 2010 16:13

first but sorry for you

Reply

chloelovestoswim | 6

#956165 - Wednesday 17 March 2010 3:06

^^^fail

By BlueTwist89 | 0

#809503 - Saturday 30 January 2010 16:14

That makes no sense lying to your therapist...He or she is there to help fix a problem. I hope you don't lie to your doctor.

By dacho | 7

#809511 - Saturday 30 January 2010 16:15

#3 - Fail, but sorry for you.

Reply

aeiouxuoiea | 0

#809994 - Saturday 30 January 2010 19:52

made my day

By junying | 0

#809513 - Saturday 30 January 2010 16:16

a therapist is suppose to make you feel better, but he had to lie to the therapist to feel better. the irony of it all.

By MissRae_ | 0

#809514 - Saturday 30 January 2010 16:16

You're not supposed to lie to your therapist; he is trying to help you, and he can't if you give him false information. You're only hurting yourself...

By i_is_a_tr00l | 0

#809533 - Saturday 30 January 2010 16:21

OH NO LOOKZ LIKE U IZ GUNNA HAV TO LYKE...GO TEW A NEW THERAPIST CUS U LIED TU HER AND SHE WILL NEVAR BELIEVE YEW AGAIN AND LYKE YA AND LYKE I IZ LIKE SO SORRY CUZ LIKE YEAH.

BC13 WILL, LYKE, NEVER DIEZZZZZZZ!
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$!

n_n LYKE SCENEZ AYYA

Reply

VonHoolio | 1

#809560 - Saturday 30 January 2010 16:28

I_is_a_tr00l learn how to spell. seriously that's just stupid spelling like that.

Reply

Cupcaken | 0

#809597 - Saturday 30 January 2010 16:42

i_is_a_tr00l us a troll

Reply

boredSOLDIER | 33

#809626 - Saturday 30 January 2010 16:53

BC13 motherfuckers bree bree lol

Reply

lolorly | 0

#809634 - Saturday 30 January 2010 16:55

Really? Brokencyde? -.-

Reply

rb2_addict | 0

#809695 - Saturday 30 January 2010 17:27

someone... what 2 words make up therapiest? that may explain his curiousity

By deepdiver999 | 0

#809544 - Saturday 30 January 2010 16:25

i_is_a_tr00l is fucking retarded why can't you spell

Reply

wtfsauce | 0

#809881 - Saturday 30 January 2010 18:58

cuz he's a troll, dumbass. lrn2use the internets plz.

By pongmaster | 0

#809547 - Saturday 30 January 2010 16:25

wow sucks for you