Health: Today, I had to go to the emergency room with vision problems.... - FML

By Catherine - United States

Today, I had to go to the emergency room with vision problems. The nurse was helping my mom fill out the paperwork. When asked for her employer, my mom started trying to sell the nurse Aflac, and got into a serious 10 minute conversation about it, all while I'm going blind in my left eye. FML

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Taking stock

RIP in peace

Thanks, Marley

By Anonymous - Canada - Gatineau

Today, I blacked out while hugging my dad. I woke up a minute later on the floor with my dad telling me to, "quit being lazy and get up." FML

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By HowToGetFired - United States - Tampa

Today, I just finished a driving school that I thought would lower my insurance by 10%. It was 30 hours so I was glad it was over, that was until I found out I took the wrong class. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I kissed my husband and said "I love you." Thats when our 5 year old son said to my husband "How can you love her so much if she's so ugly?" FML

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By wherermypants - United States - Austin

Today, I discovered that when I'm drunk, I hate wearing clothes. And it doesn't matter who is around to see it, not even my soon-to-be father-in-law. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/3/2021 19:30 - United States

Parenting in 2021

Today, I found out my son's dad stole his unemployment card and took the money. My son was homeless at the time and using his dad's address for mail. FML

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By I'maboutobarf - Australia

Today, my mum got a new blender. Dinner was roast beef, broccoli, cauliflower, pumpkin, potatoes and water. In a cup. FML

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By nice guys finish last - United States - Smyrna

Today, a kid in class dropped his paper on the floor. I held on to my desk with one hand and reached for the paper with my other hand. I lost balance and tilted both my chair and desk over, nailing the floor as everything on my desk hit the ground with me. He picked the paper up himself. FML

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By Foxy - United States

Today, I had just gotten over the flu and thought I was better. So me and my boyfriend decided to have sex. As I was about to orgasm, I puked all over his face. He was so disgusted that he ended up throwing up on me as well. FML

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By Rosies - France

Today, I introduced my boyfriend to my parents. We all looked together at family photos on the computer. The first picture was a close up of my mother, bare breasts in full view. FML

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By Jake - United States

Today, I was going to hang out with the girl I like, because she was leaving for the rest of the Summer. She had to cancel to go shopping with her grandma "all day." At 1 o'clock, she came online and told me how much fun she had with this guy I really don't like. She forgot that she lied to me. FML

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By murphy22 - United States - Norman

Today, I was taking a relaxing bath. My cat decided to sit on the ledge, which is normal for her, but today she fell in. I never knew how painful it was to be scratched down there until today. FML

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By ReluctantAntEater - Canada - Toronto

Today, I tasted a perfectly salted, crispy, and dead carpenter ant hidden in my bag of pistachios. FML

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By shitface - United States - Arlington

Shared towel

Today, after I took a shower, I was wiping my face with the towel I share with my sister. It smelled peculiar, so I took my face away and looked at it. Turns out, I was wiping my face on a huge shit stain. FML

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By BagelShmear - United States

Today, while working the cash register at my job, a little kid was running around with products while his mom was checking out. She told him she was going to give me his PSP if he didn't stop. He responded by throwing a bag of coffee beans at my face. I didn't even get to keep his PSP. FML

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By Stephen - Sweden

Today, I was peppered with questions about my swollen eye and if I'd gotten into a fight. I couldn't bring myself to admit that I'd been brutally beaten into submission by a doorknob. FML

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By - 5/11/2020 23:03

Crashtony Cartano here

Today, my husband sped my car up to 80 in a 30, and almost crashed, which would have killed us both. What did I do to set him off? I played a song he didn't like. FML

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By UFVKNP

Today, my coworker and I were swamped with coffee orders. I told him I would "take care of the blacks", and a customer who only heard that sentence screamed at me for several minutes about racism. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a rubber band around my wrist for too long, and it ended up leaving faint red marks around my wrist. My mom saw them, thought they were scars, and is now convinced I'm a cutter, "like the ones I've seen on the news," and won't believe my story. FML

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By Kaganate - Canada

Today, I was sitting on the wooden edge of my coffee table watching my sister's boyfriend play Halo 2, when I leaned back to stretch and shattered the center pane of glass in the table. I now have a large gash in my ass. FML

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By Coaldust

Today, my niece stole a bottle of whiskey from me to mix with Monster and get drunk with her boyfriend. It was a bottle of 23-year-old Pappy Van Winkle's that cost over $2000. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Middlewich

Today, I was talking to my friend, who was telling me he's having suicidal thoughts lately. He then said he'd be back in a few minutes. Nearly an hour passed. I panicked, thinking he'd offed himself. Several minutes after I called the emergency services, he messaged me, saying "K, back." FML

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By Sudokori

Today, my coworker paid me back the $15 I let him borrow and we shook hands. Later, I was called into my boss's office, where he threatened to fire me for doing a drug deal in front of customers. The police are getting involved. FML

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By fingwhore - United States - Greensboro

Today, my girlfriend came back from camping with her friends. I say "friends", I mean "friend". And when I say "friend", I mean "her ex". I took a look through her bag afterwards, and well, who knew condoms were considered camping equipment these days. FML

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By ImprovTeacher

Today, I was teaching a small group of improv students. I asked one guy to do a monologue, and laughed to myself while he did so. I said, "Sorry, I'm just laughing at the way you're doing it." He then got upset and pointed out that he had a speech impediment. FML

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By EdwinOEF - United Arab Emirates

Today, I flew to Dubai, en route to my new job in Afghanistan. Both of my bags were lost, my debit card was frozen in London, the next flight was cancelled, and I can't get a hotel room. I'm in the richest city in world with no money and no room. Happy New Year. FML

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By Eganstein - United States - Denver

Today, my girlfriend came over to a family game night. Halfway through a game of Klingon Monopoly, my drunk parents started arguing because apparently, while my dad was in jail, he cheated on my mom with a Klingon whore. I doubt my girlfriend will ever visit again. FML

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By yuck - United States

Today, I was in the basement at my grandma's house. The bathroom is on the ground floor and there's a laundry chute that goes down to the basement. I looked through the chute to see if the bathroom light was on. A pair of shitty underpants came down and landed in my face. They were my grandma's. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I caught my 29-year-old brother-in-law scratching his poison ivy with a handful of forks before putting them back in the drawer. I called him on it and he huffed, "You've never said anything before." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mankato

Today, as my mom was getting ready for a date, I told her that I think it's too early for her to date, since she divorced my dad only a week ago. She then said, "Don't worry, I'm only in it for sex." FML

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By SMRT - Canada

Vote of confidence

Today, I finished my position paper for my social studies class and read it to my mom to get her opinion on it. After I'm done reading it, she asks me if I copied it from somewhere because it sounded very professional and smart, and it didn't sound like me. FML

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By is there a environmental scientist in the house? - United States - Walnut Creek

Today, wanting to impress my date, I bullshitted her about how I was an environmental scientist. She got so impressed that she invited me over to her place. Not her home, her office. So that I could give her pointers on her current project. She's a real environmental scientist. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Wolverhampton

Today, my friend announced that she'd lost weight recently. As I was congratulating her, my baby sister said, "I think you're still fat but that's good because you can give more meat to God when you go to heaven." Now I have to explain to a 6-year-old that God isn't a cannibal. FML

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By Gail - 5/4/2021 00:30

Missed opportunities

Today, I told my wife I walked away from a £5000 bet I had a good chance at winning, because I refused to embarrass myself in public. She responded with a Star Trek reference, "Dignity and an empty sack is worth the sack, rule of acquisition 109." My god, I married a heartless nerd. FML

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By lateforwork

Rush hour

Today, whilst heading out the door to go to work, my lanyard got caught on the doorknob inside, and I watched my keys swing back inside as the door closed behind me. It was locked. FML

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By bad date - United States - Bennet

Today, my date made me pay him for picking me up, and taking me back home. FML

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By wolf boy - United States

Today, I went to the park with a girl I like. She got playful and climbed a tree, insisting I come up, too. While we were sitting and enjoying the view, she suddenly knocked me off the branch, sending me crashing to the ground. FML

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By omgwtf

Today, I found out my girlfriend had changed my ringtone to some woman moaning with pleasure continuously. I found this out in the middle of a job interview when she rang me. FML

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By cactii - United States

Today, I accidentally crashed my mom's car into my dad's car. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at the pool, casually flirting with one of the lifeguards. He said that he would gladly give me CPR, in the event that I needed it. I laughed and thanked him, stating that it was a sweet idea, even though I wouldn't be needing assistance. I then choked on my bottled water. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Odem

Today, my 70-year-old coworker managed to do something to our shared computer for it to not boot up. This is our 4th computer since we've been working together, and he refuses to believe that he's the problem. FML

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Top comments

By ihatecake | 0

#2555622 - Tuesday 24 May 2011 0:56

people these days all about money

By imacreeper | 3

#2555658 - Tuesday 24 May 2011 1:04

we just want to make the world dance. forget about the price tag.

COMMENTS

By fuzzyrat1 | 4

#2555621 - Tuesday 24 May 2011 0:56

first

Reply

imacreeper | 3

#2555634 - Tuesday 24 May 2011 0:59

congrats! you have one the prize of my middle finger. buy one get one free bitch :D

By ihatecake | 0

#2555622 - Tuesday 24 May 2011 0:56

people these days all about money

Reply

imacreeper | 3

#2555658 - Tuesday 24 May 2011 1:04

we just want to make the world dance. forget about the price tag.

Reply

juliahockey | 0

#2555692 - Tuesday 24 May 2011 1:11

ain't about the cha ching ca ching, ain't about the bla blang bla blang!

Reply

DudeImBetter | 0

#2555731 - Tuesday 24 May 2011 1:25

money goes, believe that

Reply

chuckychan | 8

#2555825 - Tuesday 24 May 2011 2:01

AFFFFLAAAACC!

Reply

EvilPotato | 14

#2556408 - Tuesday 24 May 2011 5:00

I don't understand how she could deserve it, it's not like that's what she wanted, they should take "YDI" off for FMLs that they didn't deserve at all.

Reply

Eggers | 2

#2556477 - Tuesday 24 May 2011 5:20

people have ALWAYS cared about money throughout history dude.

Reply

KiddNYC1O | 20

#2556495 - Tuesday 24 May 2011 5:29

^ Yeah, cavemen were so eager to make an extra buck to pay rent.

Reply

Predental | 5

#2556549 - Tuesday 24 May 2011 5:45

Thats the correct way to do business.

Reply

Eggers | 2

#2556706 - Tuesday 24 May 2011 6:33

70- and look where that got them

Reply

ihatecake | 0

#2556821 - Tuesday 24 May 2011 7:33

68 not as much as back then though, compare our economies, but yeah i see your point and wtf im second comment even though no ones before me?

Reply

atomicbaboon | 0

#2556961 - Tuesday 24 May 2011 9:32

duh! you think the wheel was made to make moving things easier?? NO! it was made by some genius economist who knew he could make a quick buck... or in this case, shell or whatnot.

Reply

Bassmasterclassi | 2

#2557921 - Tuesday 24 May 2011 16:44

someone has to pay for that medical bill

By ewmoldycheese | 14

#2555625 - Tuesday 24 May 2011 0:57

did the nurse buy some?

Reply

cocobulla1 | 4

#2556722 - Tuesday 24 May 2011 6:35

lol

By flipstar530 | 0

#2555628 - Tuesday 24 May 2011 0:58

dd u say anything....or scream perhaps

Reply

aback | 4

#2555858 - Tuesday 24 May 2011 2:11

Must have lost her power of speech, too.

Reply

cocobulla1 | 4

#2556727 - Tuesday 24 May 2011 6:37

lmao, when something happens to ur eye, of course ur speaking skillz are affected! *sarcasm* if u didnt already know

By futtbuck101 | 1

#2555631 - Tuesday 24 May 2011 0:58

Well how do you think she's gonna pay for the medical bills?

Reply

antoinemartinez | 0

#2559166 - Tuesday 24 May 2011 23:35

let me smang it girl (smash it and bang) haha this has nothing to do with the fml but I love the song from yur pic

By PrickHead | 0

#2555637 - Tuesday 24 May 2011 1:01

your mom will pay, you'll see

By ClussmyLilFreak | 9

#2555638 - Tuesday 24 May 2011 1:01

You didn't say anything for 10 whole minutes?

Reply

CryMoreFMLs | 14

#2556787 - Tuesday 24 May 2011 6:57

I creep on newbies.

Welcome to FML. Enjoy your stay, don't piss KaySL off for the love of god, and feel free to pick on gayboii.

The cake is a lie, we only have pie. Sorry.

Reply

atomicbaboon | 0

#2556963 - Tuesday 24 May 2011 9:36

come, join me and kaySL on the darkside. we have cookies! and cake. >:)

By indistructo | 3

#2555641 - Tuesday 24 May 2011 1:02

you should have said something... seriously

By shortie916 | 0

#2555645 - Tuesday 24 May 2011 1:03

How do you think that your going to pay for your eye? Aflac

By degrassilover21 | 2

#2555664 - Tuesday 24 May 2011 1:06

Why didn't you say anything? I mean I couldn't wait 10 minutes hearing people talking about Aflac while I'm blond in one eye.

Reply

SirWrangler | 5

#2555881 - Tuesday 24 May 2011 2:20

*blind

Reply

joooeee | 3

#2556156 - Tuesday 24 May 2011 3:42

no, judging from her comment I'm pretty sure she's blonde

Reply

kc1997kc | 9

#2556369 - Tuesday 24 May 2011 4:51

What is with the freaking blond jokes? I am a blond and bet I have a much higher IQ than any of the idiotic immature miscreants who say rude things like that!

Reply

AttucisFinch | 0

#2556596 - Tuesday 24 May 2011 6:00

PMS #60 or do you always go all crazy bitch?

Reply

livin_plur | 0

#2556642 - Tuesday 24 May 2011 6:12

Foreal it's called a blonde JOKE for a reason. learn how to laugh!

Reply

ugliness | 6

#2557674 - Tuesday 24 May 2011 15:22

learn to laugh at yourself, I learned to laugh at Ginger jokes and the Scottish part in rwj's stereotype song, you should be able to accept insulting humour

Reply

iEnvade | 2

#2559813 - Wednesday 25 May 2011 2:50

Miscreants... lol. And no one here cares how blonde OR smart you are. If you have such a high IQ why aren't you out finding a cure for cancer? Back in the kitchen, bitch!