Today, I had to go to my son's school for career day, I explained...

By Blah - 30/3/2009 04:39 - United States

Today, I had to go to my son's school for career day, I explained what a banker does and then I asked if anyone had a question, one boy raised his hand and asked "When are all the cool parents gonna come?" FML

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Work

Time for the ER

Last dates

All for nothing

By River - 26/2/2009 16:17 - United States

Today, a stoplight turned yellow as I was approaching it. I was about to go through but saw a cop, panicked, and slammed on the brakes. I ended up in the middle of the intersection and had to reverse. Soon the light turned green, and I stepped on the gas. My car was still in reverse. FML

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By antiqued - 20/12/2012 05:55 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I took a bath because I couldn't get my left arm wet due to a minor medical procedure. My roommates decided to barge in to the bathroom and ruthlessly pelt me with flour. Not only did I find out flour burns the eyes, but the shock caused me to slip and submerge my arm. FML

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By embarrassed - 1/6/2009 20:11 - United States

Today, I went to my doctor to get the morning after pill. I explained to her that the condom broke and I was nervous. She simply asked me "when" so I replied "...towards the end". I didn't realize she was really asking what day this happened. FML

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By Emily - 1/8/2012 05:44 - Canada - Baden

Today, my husband told me that occasionally I pick my nose while I sleep. I didn't believe him so he showed me the video he took of it. He wants to post it on Facebook. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/6/2014 13:47 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I had to stand in line for twenty minutes at the bank, in between two of my ex-boyfriends. FML

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By FuckYou - 2/7/2012 06:07 - United States - Santa Maria

Today, I fell down my stairs while holding a carton of eggs I was going to use to egg my ex-boyfriend's house. Karma's definitely a bitch to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/12/2010 16:19 - United Kingdom

Today, the highlight of my day was someone prank-calling me. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/11/2010 13:28 - United Kingdom

Today, my six-month-old daughter decided to explore my nose, and before I could stop her she shoved her thumb deep in there. She thought it was hilarious when blood started gushing down my shirt. My nose is agony to touch and I still had to clean her up first. FML

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By Jesstanothergurl - 18/7/2016 19:35 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I had to visit a new office building for a meeting. Halfway through the meeting, I got really nauseous and needed to throw up. I ran to find a bathroom, but got lost and ended up in a printing room. With no other option, I was forced to puke into a large envelope. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/7/2012 15:41 - United States - Apex

Today, while bussing at my restaurant job, I felt a cold, wet animal slither down my leg. I started shrieking loudly and dancing dementedly to get it off, and everyone in the restaurant turned to stare. Then I realized there was a hole in my pocket and some quarters had slid out down my leg. FML

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By T___T - 12/9/2015 01:54 - United States - Cleveland

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend that no, my period arriving several days late doesn't mean I have AIDS. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/6/2011 20:32 - United States

Today, I put lemon juice in my hair as a cheap and easy way to get highlights. I left it in my hair and I laid out in the backyard to get some sun. The sunshine wasn't the only thing that found me; it seems every bug in the neighborhood is now hiding in my hair. FML

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By gdog10122 - 12/1/2013 09:52 - United States

Today, I found out that my dad, thinking it was an advertisement, threw away a letter from the college I applied to. FML

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By whymegirl - 22/7/2012 04:24 - United States - Worcester

Today, my cousin is coming home after his honeymoon. His gift to his new wife was a puppy, which I said I would take care of while they went away. I sneezed last week and scared the puppy. She ran off. This was ten days ago, and I still haven't found the dog. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/2/2016 17:28 - United States

Today, my boyfriend still won't get a job, because he's convinced he's going to make millions inventing and selling carbonated ketchup. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/8/2015 07:45 - India - Kolkata

Today, is my five year anniversary. My boyfriend said he was gonna get me something shiny this year. I thought he was gonna propose. He got me a set of sparkle glue. FML

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By captain patch beard - 3/10/2019 18:01

RIP Beard

Today, I met a girl at a bar, we had a few drinks and really hit it off. We headed back to my place to get a little action. As she was riding me, she got rougher and rougher until she reached down and yanked a patch of hair right out of my beard. I yelped in pain and didn’t even finish. FML

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By Pimpleeater - 20/12/2011 07:45 - New Zealand

Today, I found out that, when mad at us, my son picks the tops off his shoulder-pimples and sprinkles them in our food. FML

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By Talented73 - 20/7/2016 02:54 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I went to a local Asian restaurant where this adorable Japanese girl works as a server. We had formed a friendship and I was hoping for something more, but I decided to play "hard-to-get" for the last couple of weeks. When I went there today, the place was closed. Permanently. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/2/2017 08:00 - United States - Franklin

Today, I finally got the balls to ask the girl of my dreams out, but all I could talk about was my two cats. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/12/2010 16:29 - Canada

Today, a woman slipped on the ice in front of me. Instinctively, I caught her before she fell. Instead of thanking me, she whirled around and asked me if my *expletive* mother had taught me to grope women inappropriately. FML

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By Embarrassed - 6/12/2018 03:00

Today, I managed to give myself a blowjob and it was great. The only problem is that I got stuck between the wall and my bed while I was doing it. I had to call for help and my whole family came to see what was wrong. They all knew what I was doing. FML

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By RescuePups - 30/4/2018 09:00 - United States - Waterford

Sneaky Bitch

Today, my 8-week-old foster puppy pooped on my backpack as I was getting ready to go to work. In the 10 seconds it took to grab cleaning supplies, another foster dog ate my homemade breakfast sandwich off the counter. FML

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By therapygal - 17/11/2018 15:30

Today, my girlfriend got very mad at me after finding several appointments with "Amanda" in my calendar. Amanda is my psychiatrist. FML

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By this_is_fucked - 24/10/2009 21:23 - Zimbabwe

Today, I realized that I'm the only person in my house not getting any. My sister is sleeping with my ex. My roommate is sleeping with my brother. And my mom texted me asking me to make it look like she slept in her bed so that she didn't have to do the "walk of shame" in the morning. FML

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By Lex - 12/5/2009 03:13 - United States

Today, I installed high performance brakes on my car after fearing that my old brake system was to weak and I could get into a crash. On the test drive a car in front of me stopped short. My new brakes worked, the ones on the car behind me didn't. I now have whiplash and a totalled car. FML

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By GMD - 18/9/2012 20:20 - United Kingdom - Belfast

Today, my daughter and her boyfriend excitedly told me that after months of trying they are finally pregnant and that I'm going to be a grandmother. This would be great news if they weren't 15. FML

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By HappyBirthday - 28/5/2009 21:43 - United States

Today, it was my friend's birthday. She's been having problems with most of her friends besides me lately, so I wanted to do something special. I brought her a cake. Me and her were the only ones to have any. It gave us both food poisoning. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/9/2019 06:03

I am the law

Today I got a ticket for driving on the wrong side of the road. It was a one-way street. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/4/2013 05:14 - Canada - Clairmont

Today, my boyfriend and I attempted sexting for the first time. After about twenty minutes of Star Wars references, I gave up. FML

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By SadManKillMeNow - 25/5/2019 22:00

Today, after deactivating my Facebook page 4 days ago for stalking reasons - as in me stalking my ex - I reactivated it for approximately 3 minutes to see what his status update was, then deactivated it again. I'm just THAT pathetic. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/10/2009 03:12 - United States

Today, my mom put a candle on in the living room. She told the family "how much she loved it!" My mom then went on the tell us that my dad got it for her and it must have been some cheap candle. I bought the candle as a gift for her on her birthday. Thanks mom. FML

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By fedexed - 27/7/2009 19:12 - United States

Today, I brought my lunch to work in the only box I had lying around my apartment - a small one from FedEx. When I went to the bathroom before lunch, I returned to my desk to find that one of my coworkers had mailed my lunch back to my apartment. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/5/2015 14:21 - Mexico

Today, some guy I passed in the street was so high out of his mind, he beat the crap out of me, thinking I was a piñata. FML

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By JessykaB - 28/8/2010 05:49 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me that he gets the same amount of entertainment out of tickling me and having sex with me, and he likes the tickling noises better. FML

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By magicman - 4/7/2012 09:04 - United States

Today, while riding my bike on the sidewalk, I came across a ladder. To avoid bad luck, I swerved around it into the street. I got hit by a car. FML

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By roobb - 9/8/2009 23:11 - Canada

Today, I saw my girlfriend with an older guy who I thought was her dad, I went over to introduce myself. And then turned around and walked away very fast as I saw them make out. My girlfriend is cheating on me with someone as old as my dad. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/12/2012 16:29 - United States - Cedar Park

Today, a senile old lady came up to me and offered me chocolate. I noticed that it was ex-lax, so I politely told her no. My 4-year-old daughter pushed me aside and ate the ex-lax, because she thought it was candy. I now have a stinky child on a 3 hour bus ride, with no stops. FML

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By holly10350 - 14/10/2010 03:08 - United States

Today, I allowed my friend to practice driving in my car. As she began to let the car roll forward, she looked at me and very seriously asked, "Brakes is the right pedal, right?" FML

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By izazbouletz - 7/7/2019 22:00

Today, I went on a date with a guy I met on Tinder. After chatting in a pub, we went for a walk at the nearby marina. He tried to have sex with me bareback behind a lighthouse. FML

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Top comments

By reader1 | 0

#69536 - Monday 30 March 2009 12:44

To #3-you've obviously never been in an elementary classroom. Kids are more brutal than Simon Cowell.

By Jimboom | 11

#69540 - Monday 30 March 2009 12:46

Tell that kid "Sorry, there are no parents with cool jobs coming. We fired them all because all your money are belong to us!"

COMMENTS

By ThatScaryKidd | 0

#69522 - Monday 30 March 2009 12:23

Lmfao

By archeon_fml | 0

#69527 - Monday 30 March 2009 12:32

If your expecting sympathy as a banker... well just now

bula_rocks | 0

#991620 - Thursday 13 May 2010 6:48

exactly.

By Yamato_fml | 0

#69531 - Monday 30 March 2009 12:37

Sounds like a made up story. No kid asks such a question, they're kids, they're not mentally challenged.

nateypooo | 0

#1001983 - Saturday 22 May 2010 8:05

yah I don't think they have career days for 5 ur olds

By reader1 | 0

#69536 - Monday 30 March 2009 12:44

To #3-you've obviously never been in an elementary classroom. Kids are more brutal than Simon Cowell.

By kkooaallaass | 0

#69538 - Monday 30 March 2009 12:45

haha don't worry about it. as long as you like your job. but u can't really blame them can u? i mean how exciting is it to listen to what it's like to be a banker

By Jimboom | 11

#69540 - Monday 30 March 2009 12:46

Tell that kid "Sorry, there are no parents with cool jobs coming. We fired them all because all your money are belong to us!"

cars819 | 0

#1441161 - Wednesday 22 September 2010 12:29

hahaa win

By the_walrus | 0

#69541 - Monday 30 March 2009 12:47

it could be worse, they could have read then papers?

By annis_fml | 0

#69545 - Monday 30 March 2009 12:50

Kids are generally super blunt. And at their age, do you really expect them to be fascinated by your job as a banker?

By youaresofucked | 0

#69552 - Monday 30 March 2009 12:59

Relax OP, there's no such thing as "cool parents" :-)

By dumuh | 0

#69557 - Monday 30 March 2009 13:04

Only the top bankers run the world. :p Most bankers are your average joes.