Miscellaneous: Today, I had to give a presentation about Adolf Hitler. I wanted...

By Cail - United States

Today, I had to give a presentation about Adolf Hitler. I wanted to point out he was a very good speaker, and could incite a crowd. Instead, what came out was 'Hitler's oral skills made everyone go wild with excitement" FML

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Miscellaneous

Out of it

This Charming Man

Boozehounds

By oddbrien - United States - Baltimore

Today, while at the club, I started dancing with a girl who I had noticed throughout the night. When she turned around she firmly stated, "I'd much rather dance by myself". FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was at a music festival, watching one of my favorite bands. The security guys were throwing water into the crowd to cool us down. I saw some about to be thrown by another fan, so I stood with my mouth open to catch some of it. I ended up with a face full of hot piss. FML

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By alostr1 - United States

Today, while in the waiting room at the dentist's, some kids were running and screaming. One of them stopped right beside me, turned to face me, and threw up in my lap. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, in the bathroom during the ACTs, my hair got stuck in the electric hand dryer. I had to rip my hair out. For future reference, hair + hand dryer = dreadlocks. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to a social event with a very attractive male co-worker. Things were going awesome, we were flirting and really hitting it off. Then his 'wife' called. FML

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By epicsandwichartist - United States

Today, while working at a sandwich shop, we had a shortage and could only put so many veggies on one sandwich. I explained this to one man who was grumpy about it, but kept on ordering. I thought everything went well. He thought my face was a good target to launch his completed sandwich at. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Gatineau

Today, my dad was doing FaceTime with a friend. He turned his iPhone towards my sister and said "There's my daughter..." He then turned it to me and said "...and there's my ugly son", then walked away. I'm still not sure if it's a joke or not. FML

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By FlabbyPants - United States - Fort Myers

Today, I woke up with every muscle in my body hurting so bad I could hardly walk. Participation in a triathlon, or overdoing it at the gym? No, the results of a day spent cleaning the house. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I found an old dress in my house laying around. I decided to dye it green to wear it out on St. Patrick's day. Turns out it was my grandmother's wedding dress that my sister was planning to wear for her wedding. FML

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By what.

Tunnel vision

Today, my boyfriend said that no, I'm not allowed to get glasses and then accused me of wanting to see other men. No, I just want to see. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my brother and I drove 3 hours to pick up our puppy. The woman we bought him from said not to put him in the cage for the ride home as he would pee for sure. She recommended I put him on my lap. Not only did he shit on the seat backing out of her driveway, he pissed on me an hour later. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to explain to my white girlfriend that dating me doesn't give her the right to call my mother the n-word. FML

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By mike - United States

Today, I set up a mouse trap to kill the rodent plaguing my kitchen. While lying in bed, I heard an unmistakable snap, and ran to see what I'd caught. The mouse trap was missing. I now have a large, angry, and possibly dying animal running around my house. FML

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By librarygirl - United States

Today, I was volunteering at the library. A kid came up and asked me to help him peel the back off his sticker. It took me so long the kid left. Determined, I still tried to peel it off. Fifteen minutes later, the librarian came over, looked once at it, and told me it wasn't a sticker. FML

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By littl3storm

Today, I found out that I work with a bunch of sex addicts. One of them is my cousin, and she did NOT hold back when telling me her and her fiancé's plans about swinging. FML

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By fuck you, dad - United Kingdom - Brighton

Today, I was eating out at a restaurant with my family. My dad had drained most of our bottle of wine, so thinking he'd be a little less uptight than usual, I reached over to pour myself some. He swatted my hand away and started yelling at me for being a "degenerate drunk". FML

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By Sadasian - United States

Today, my mom and dad were arguing. It started getting really heated, so I tried to go break it up. But within a couple of minutes, my mom wanted to make a statement by throwing a plate to the ground, forgetting I was beside her. I now have a throbbing foot with shards of glass in it. FML

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By Jammy238 - France

Today, I was taking my dogs for a walk, then it started to rain, and the wind went mad. I ran for cover in the trees near a bridge, slipped and fell into a river. I was soaking wet and my boots were full of water. Then to get back out of the river, I had to use stinging nettles as hand holds. FML

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By Ohgreat - United States

Today, I discovered I was at the same restaurant as my ex and his new girlfriend. Quickly, I picked up my mother's phone when she wasn't looking, and began to pretend to talk to a fake new boyfriend. Few seconds later, the waiter loudly asked me if I was done talking into the calculator. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was coaching a little league soccer game. I was telling one of my players to go cover another kid. I said "go cover the little yellow kid!" because he happened to be wearing a yellow shirt. He also happened to be Asian. I then got death stares from his family members. FML

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By jrocks - United States

Today, as I was watching a DVD, I noticed a spider crawling on my crotch area. So, I panicked and smashed the spider, smashing my nuts in the process. FML

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By Anon - Canada - Calgary

Today, at 8:00am, I walked into the kitchen and stubbed my toe. That's quite a normal occurrence, but this time, I stubbed it on my drunk, passed out, 53-year-old father's forehead. He's mad at me now and has cancelled my allowance. I'm 23. FML

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By erphy21 - United States - Lompoc

Today, my 18 year old son learned that just because his girlfriend was on top doesn't mean gravity will prevent her from becoming pregnant. FML

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By Anonymous

This is why we can't have nice things.

Today, my husband brought home a machete. In the process of showing me a trick he learned, he managed to slice a nice big hole in our brand new very expensive sectional. FML

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By minustoenail - United States - San Francisco

Today, as I entered a stairwell, the fire alarm went off, triggering the automatic fire doors to close. The one I was walking through ran over my foot, ripping my toenail, and then smacked me in the face. FML

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By naagodinho - Portugal

Today, I applied to a new gym. Now I have a hernia. FML

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By TheMichaelNixon - United States

Today, I saw a grasshopper in the urinal so I decided to pee on it. It jumped out, scared the hell out of me, and I peed all over myself. FML

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By Ljsmitty - United States

Today, I was messaged by a great guy I went to college with, and he was telling me how stupid he had been for not asking me out in college and about how much he had liked me. After talking for 30 minutes about trying to get together soon, he told me that he had mistaken me for someone else. FML

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By Colin - France

Today, I phoned up my bank's customer service department. I waited eleven minutes on hold with the lovely music, and when a woman finally picked up, I ran out of phone credit. FML

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By nevergoingtopeeagain - United States - Richmond

Today, I went to the bathroom on the way to class. After washing my hands, I couldn't figure out how to turn off the water. I finally resorted to asking a professor for help. She turned it off, looked me in the eyes and said, "Please don't tell me you're here on a scholarship." FML

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By Jules - 29/10/2020 02:03 - Germany - Aachen

Modernity

Today, my health insurance has finally gone digital, so I sent them a message through their webpage, asking a question. I then got an email, telling me they'd replied. I had to log into their webpage again to see the reply, which read, "A letter concerning your question has been sent to you by post." FML

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By Ross R - United States - Richland

Today, I decided to cover a coworker's closing shift because she felt sick. My boss even gave me a $10 gift card for doing it. I felt good about it, until I walked outside and found that my car had been stolen. FML

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By OhGodWhy - 23/5/2020 08:00

Superstition

Today, my mother told me I must break up with my gorgeous, brilliant, talented, kind, respectful boyfriend of 2 weeks. Why? One of his closest friends died, and he's struggling with his spiritual identity. Apparently, by being with him, I'm walking on 'unholy ground.' FML

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By dab1230 - United States - Binghamton

Today, I asked my mother if I could have my boyfriend sleep over for Valentine's day weekend. Her response? "If you're on your period he can. Unless he's into that. Then no." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I bought some new led under glow lights for underneath my car. I was putting them on when my dad came out, insisted on taking over, and then proceeded to break them. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/3/2021 20:01

Stuck

Today, my grandma and her neighbor compared their sports bras in front of me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up with the worst vaginal itching and swelling. I then find out it was brought on by my boyfriend's cheap brand of toilet paper. FML

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Today, I got trapped in the airport lift for half an hour with my family while heading to departure. We ended up missing our flight. 3000 Malaysian bucks were spent on that flight. No one wants to compensate our loss. FML

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By airbiscuit - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Sensitive

Today, my hubby asked for a morning blow job, and I happily obliged. All was going great until he came and farted at the same time. I laughed and reassured him it was no big deal. He cried. FML

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By pissed girlfriend - United States - Celina

Today, at my grandpa's funeral, my boyfriend texted me while sitting right beside me, asking if we could have sex when the "family get together" was finally over. FML

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Top comments

By SaintKiwi | 0

#253659 - Tuesday 2 June 2009 9:23

You assume that double meaning isn't true.

By tempaccount | 0

#253665 - Tuesday 2 June 2009 9:26

So did your oral skills titillate the student body?

COMMENTS

By laughinboy | 0

#253647 - Tuesday 2 June 2009 9:21

LOL haha nice

nirvanafan980 | 0

#1180724 - Tuesday 3 August 2010 10:49

Hitler only had one ball

underaegis | 0

#1288589 - Monday 23 August 2010 8:33

that is true that hitler only had one
it's a good thing "grow a pair" wasn't in style back then

DisappearingRose | 18

#3869708 - Thursday 12 January 2012 4:30

If I said that and people laughed, I'd get suspended... Teachers and their assuming....

By Tobe_fml | 0

#253648 - Tuesday 2 June 2009 9:21

Hahaha, you have shamed yourself. FYL

By dead_beauty | 0

#253657 - Tuesday 2 June 2009 9:23

how is this fml????

chaos753159 | 4

#823121 - Thursday 4 February 2010 1:25

oral skills = oral sex 

observesandgasps | 0

#839624 - Wednesday 10 February 2010 2:07

he means dick suckery

breenarae25 | 0

#1418004 - Friday 17 September 2010 8:35

duhh

By SaintKiwi | 0

#253659 - Tuesday 2 June 2009 9:23

You assume that double meaning isn't true.

By triplethreat13 | 0

#253662 - Tuesday 2 June 2009 9:24

modern society has very sick minds. you have to watch your mouth. but that is freaking hilarious!! haha sorry about that though, that would be a laugh-about-it-later moment!!