Today, I had to endure yet another evening of the old man in...

By hurtsmyears - 7/11/2011 01:23 - United States

Today, I had to endure yet another evening of the old man in the apartment above me screaming, "No, I don't want to shave my nose hair, you crazy bitch." He lives alone. FML

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Miscellaneous

This is us

Alexa, play "Hey! Student" by The Fall

Tidy your room

By bianca131 - 10/11/2015 03:42 - Australia

Today, I was having sex with someone I've been casually seeing. He got all weird during it, and said, "That's a good girl". Once he left, I told my housemates about it. Now every time I do something nice for them, they respond, "That's a good girl". FML

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By OverweightTeen - 14/1/2010 06:59 - Canada

Today, I added some of my own money to the tip jar in the Subway I work at to make myself look less pathetic. FML

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By Jane M - 25/10/2013 23:20 - United States - Lafayette

Today, my mother came over to visit, and my kids started excitedly telling her Christmas is coming soon. She freaked out, saying Christmas is a "Satanic holiday" and telling them that Santa is going to hell along with everyone who celebrates it. My children are now traumatized. FML

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By cmzraxsn - 11/12/2010 19:32 - United Kingdom

Today, I ran to catch the train, but slipped on the stairs and fell on my shoulder. However, my effort was rendered useless; it wasn't even my train. FML

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By fmlpgh - 16/2/2010 11:51 - United States

Today, my husband told me to hold out my hand. He opened his, and in mine dropped a giant mutant tooth he had pulled a few months ago. FML

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By BigFoot - 29/7/2009 04:03 - United States

Today, I was trying on some shoes when I felt the heels break underneath me. Not only did they cost two paychecks worth, but as I was leaving I heard the sales girl say that "we really should have a weight limit for who can try on our products." FML

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By Anonymous - 22/11/2010 19:52 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of over a year looked at me and said, "Sometimes I just want to hit you." FML

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By TheJeremyMoe - 11/8/2019 14:00 - United States

Today, my bike was stolen. Partially. Since I always locked it up, some asswipe thought it would be funny to steal the handlebar stem and the seat, leaving the actual handlebar dangling by the brake cables. Since there was no way to steer or sit, I had to carry my bike one mile back to my dorm. FML

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By AnonymousQuagga - 7/2/2014 03:07 - United States - Flower Mound

Today, I was at the library, working with some classmates on our major semester project. I accidentally killed power to the row of computers by me. I've never had so many enraged faces looking at me before. FML

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By kit_kat14 - 19/2/2010 14:27 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that my boyfriend joined a group on Facebook called 'Swallow. Or it's going in your eye.' Today I also found out that my boyfriend takes Facebook groups very seriously. FML

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By Selfish Whiner - 3/6/2013 11:56 - United Kingdom - Scunthorpe

Today, I started seeing a therapist for my depression. While I was looking through the magazines in the waiting room, I found an article accusing people who see therapists of being selfish and having no real problems. FML

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By not a brain cell in sight - 16/6/2013 20:20 - United States - Muskegon

Today, my best friend called me a moron for disputing her belief that Canada is in South America. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/8/2010 09:15 - United States

Today, my new girlfriend, with whom I have not had sex, showed me her collection of sex toys. She picked up one approximately the size of my forearm and said "This one is my favorite" now I'm scared for her to see me naked. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/12/2010 17:08 - United States

Today, while on my honeymoon with my new wife, I tried to be romantic by installing a clapper to the lights in our room. As things progressed, the noise of our love making triggered the lights on and off repeatedly. She began to laugh and we ended up just calling it an early night. FML

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By number2 - 18/10/2011 01:14 - United States

Today, while sitting on the toilet, my phone pocket dialed my boss's cell. He was in the next stall. He answered. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/9/2015 06:04 - United States - New Albany

Today, I was running late for school and accidentally ran a red light and got pulled over. I couldn't find the registration and was freaking out, when the cop told me that he wouldn't give me a ticket if he could give me some advice. His advice? Don't wear your shirt inside-out. FML

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By oliver - 27/1/2016 12:02 - United States

Today, I woke up with a pounding headache. My wife tells me that last night I woke up from a nightmare, screaming, tried to run away and knocked myself out running headfirst into the bedroom wall. So she put me back to bed and went back to sleep. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/4/2012 09:51 - United States

Today, due to nervousness, I threw up while proposing to my girlfriend. FML

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By blonde - 29/9/2010 07:08 - Australia

Today, I saw a crash on the highway. The police weren't yet there, so I pulled over to help because I know CPR. No one needed CPR, but I had locked myself out of my car. My roadside assist won't come to highways, so I had to get towed away in front of everyone. FML

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By katsaysner - 17/10/2014 17:56 - United States - Unity

Today, I got the best grade in class on my economics midterm. Rather than tell me I did a good job, my professor criticized me in front of everyone about how I was working "too hard". FML

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By porkeater - 16/7/2009 15:02 - United States

Today, we went up for visitor's day for my son's Jewish summer camp. We don't keep kosher, but most of his fellow campers do. When we went around in the circle saying our favorite foods, he said, "my mom makes the best pork chops." We got dirty looks for the rest of the day. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/7/2011 00:21 - United States

Today, my mom tried to get me to shoplift. From the dollar store. FML

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By bonbon789 - 27/3/2014 18:10 - United States

Today, I wanted to eat my last bowl of sugary cereal before starting my new diet. I fell down the stairs with the full bowl in hand. Message received, universe. FML

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By Spec - 18/4/2009 18:09 - United States

Today, my blind friend bragged to a group of people that she knew all of us by smell. We all took turns standing in front of her, and she would tell us who we were. When I got in front of her, she thought I was my dog. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/9/2015 17:28 - United States - Macon

Today, I went to visit my senile grandma, since she's ill and nobody else in the family visits her. I ended up having to sit through a long rant about the Illuminati, black people, and how we'd have a cure for the common cold already if it weren't for "those god damned foreigners". FML

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By Pissed Off - 7/3/2009 10:13 - Australia

Today, I was walking along the street and passed a young couple. Over my shoulder I heard the girl say to her boyfriend "Would you still love me if I looked like her?" FML

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By hannahk267 - 18/11/2011 13:30 - United States

Today, I was practicing my lines for theater class in the hall. My partner and I chose a script where we argue over me stealing her boyfriend. Since it started to sound like a real argument, another student said that I was a "crazy bitch" and punched me in the face. FML

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By lights on forever - 2/8/2013 20:57 - Turkey - Istanbul

Today, I was washing up in a public bathroom, when I looked up for a second and saw a kid in the mirror staring back at me. I gasped, as I thought the place had been empty. He whispered, "It's time to die." I screamed and ran out, only to hear him burst out laughing behind me. FML

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By o.v. - 16/5/2011 16:04 - Bangladesh

Today, the pipe in the dining room sink suddenly broke open and in about 15 minutes my entire apartment was turned into an indoor swimming pool. The worst part? I was there the entire time, playing video games with my headphones on. FML

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By Drew - 26/4/2016 02:21 - United States - Newark

Today, at school, I wore a back brace because I have fractured vertebrae. During first period, a girl tapped me on the back to ask me a question. It made a "knocking on wood" sound. She looked at me like I was a freak. FML

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By its dark - 7/1/2016 23:04 - United States - San Francisco

Today, it's day three of our power being off because of a glitch in the power company's computer system. They won't turn it back on until we pay the $2000 we owe from 2010. We moved here in 2012. FML

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By DaveAlmighty - 24/4/2012 23:59 - United States

Today, my son told me he needed a haircut. I was thrilled that he actually requested it, since he normally throws a fit over getting them. He described the cut he wants. It's a mullet. FML

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By emkaycutie - 29/3/2009 18:41 - United States

Today, I was giving a lecture to my class I heard a phone go off. Aggravated and exhausted, I asked everyone to turn their phones off. Then the phone rang again. I lost my shit and spent the next half hour calling my students a bunch of "technology whores". Then I realized the phone was mine. FML

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By notnow - 27/9/2013 01:32 - United States

Today, minutes before I walked down the aisle at my wedding, my drunk mother stumbled up to me and told me she was depressed and wanted to leave. FML

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By wow. - 5/5/2014 03:18 - United States - Chicago

Today, I let my sister use my phone to play music in the shower, expecting her to use the speakers I have. She used a ziplock bag with a hole in it to connect her headphones. Now I have a waterlogged phone and my sister still doesn't understand why it didn't work. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/4/2009 05:23 - Canada

Today, I got in my car. When I sat down, I realized a cat had got in the back seat. The cat startled me so I jumped out and slammed the door. Locking myself out. I watched the cat scratch my seats up for an hour. I'm highly allergic to cats. I can't get in my own car without breaking out in hives. FML

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By Ob3nie - 14/7/2014 17:45 - United States - San Francisco

Today, me and my boyfriend decided to have some fun in my room before my parents got home. My phone started vibrating half-way through, and when I saw my mom's picture, I reflexively answered. It wasn't a phone call. It was a face time. Busted. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/12/2009 10:08 - United States

Today, I came home from my 2 week trip to Florida. At the airport, the door said "Enter Only", while a sign above it said "Do not enter." Long story short, I got arrested for "disobeying signs." Nothing says "Welcome home" like being arrested. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2012 02:56 - United States

Today, I learned that scorpions can apparently hold their breath for hours, and that doing so makes them angry. I found this out when I removed a scorpion from the bottom of my pool and found that it was not entirely drowned. FML

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By awkward - 22/2/2014 05:39 - United States

Today, I was having some kinky sex with my girlfriend. When I said "You've been a bad girl", she looked at me wide-eyed and asked very seriously, "What did I do?" FML

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Top comments

By xlord | 27

#3553219 - Monday 7 November 2011 8:37

Leave him alone.... I think he's going to have an imaginary divorce soon anyway

By andrew_thomson | 9

#3553224 - Monday 7 November 2011 8:38

He must be smokin' some heavy dubies!

Comments

By xlord | 27

#3553219 - Monday 7 November 2011 8:37

Leave him alone.... I think he's going to have an imaginary divorce soon anyway

XenaWP | 6

#3553246 - Monday 7 November 2011 8:40

Maybe he and his prostitute have taken their relationship to the next level.

claudio117 | 12

#3553293 - Monday 7 November 2011 8:46

Or he was on the phone .....

VickLynx | 6

#3553304 - Monday 7 November 2011 8:48

Or maybe he is talking to his dead wife?

xlord | 27

#3553350 - Monday 7 November 2011 9:01

He just happens to be on the phone everyday yelling at a crazy bitch?

iam_yummylicious | 12

#3553475 - Monday 7 November 2011 10:05

OR... Ohemgee, he has a caretaker? *gasp* - Who woulda thunk?

SCREAM4meeee | 0

#3553584 - Monday 7 November 2011 11:33

Take it easy on him, he just doesn't want to shave his nose hair.

conan13_fml | 0

#3553598 - Monday 7 November 2011 11:47

Maybe he has a visiting nurse, or one or his children/grandchildren who come every day to help/visit him.

ibestef | 1

#3553756 - Monday 7 November 2011 12:49

maybe its toby from paranormal activity 3 :o

rawrriri | 8

#3553781 - Monday 7 November 2011 12:54

Or maybe he talks to himself.

TheNewGuy03 | 28

#3553860 - Monday 7 November 2011 13:15

Or grandpa doesn't give a fuck about what you think.

|the kid|

folgy | 10

#3554291 - Monday 7 November 2011 15:42

You get a pineapple put a wig on in and draw a face on it and one night leave it at his door knock and run the crazy shit you would probably hear would be priceless

Daralea | 21

#3555260 - Monday 7 November 2011 20:29

yes xlord. His kids could call everyday to check up on him. And you obviously haven't had to put up with the wrath of a controlling daughter.

gotaphd | 6

#3556112 - Tuesday 8 November 2011 0:29

He is just messing with you OP

lexa1love | 16

#5197689 - Thursday 29 November 2012 16:27

Maybe a infomercial came on?

By andrew_thomson | 9

#3553224 - Monday 7 November 2011 8:38

He must be smokin' some heavy dubies!

leadman1989 | 15

#3553927 - Monday 7 November 2011 13:36

Cocaine is one helluva drug!

corporatescoundr | 25

#3553970 - Monday 7 November 2011 13:46

Rick James!

Every1luvsfmls | 6

#3560758 - Wednesday 9 November 2011 0:47

This "Old man" actually bangs a different girl every night.

By thingamajiga | 5

#3553231 - Monday 7 November 2011 8:38

schitzophrenic perhaps?

ShakeMeDown | 12

#3557064 - Tuesday 8 November 2011 4:44

Or possibly he has a phone? Nah, he's not that hip.

By wazdog | 4

#3553237 - Monday 7 November 2011 8:39

Perhaps OP is the crazy one imagining voices.

leadman1989 | 15

#3553919 - Monday 7 November 2011 13:35

4 - And boom goes the dynamite!!!

leadman1989 | 15

#3554980 - Monday 7 November 2011 19:11

A person hearing voice that hear voices?

Schizoception!

By xbrit551 | 13

#3553273 - Monday 7 November 2011 8:43

Oohh crazy old man :o

By danielabella94 | 0

#3553275 - Monday 7 November 2011 8:43

That sounds annoying but I do feel bad for him!

aissie | 2

#3553284 - Monday 7 November 2011 8:45

Why? He never has to be alone.

danielabella94 | 0

#3553288 - Monday 7 November 2011 8:46

True! :) I just feel bad that he's crazy!

aissie | 2

#3553301 - Monday 7 November 2011 8:47

That's the best kind!

By iimadoki | 0

#3553277 - Monday 7 November 2011 8:44

Lol, run as fast as you can!!

By FYLDeep | 25

#3553280 - Monday 7 November 2011 8:45

He's probably trolling people on ChatRoulette.

VickLynx | 6

#3553315 - Monday 7 November 2011 8:51

And how is that possible?

beatdownbarbie | 5

#3929655 - Monday 23 January 2012 12:39

Oh you're one of the random 9 out of 10 dicks on there. Lol that's why I never stayed on that site. It was like trying to play duck duck goose...but no goose.

By metallicshadow | 16

#3553328 - Monday 7 November 2011 8:55

send his ass to the sanitarium

Enslaved | 36

#3553734 - Monday 7 November 2011 12:37

Sanitarium, leave me be
Sanitarium, just leave me alone

By aFreedom127 | 9

#3553361 - Monday 7 November 2011 9:04

You're never alone until the voices go away.