Miscellaneous: Today, I had to endure yet another evening of the old man in... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 0

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 26

You deserved it 3

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 79

You deserved it 719

07/11/2011 01:23

Today, I had to endure yet another evening of the old man in the apartment above me screaming, "No, I don't want to shave my nose hair, you crazy bitch." He lives alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 253

You deserved it 2 351

Triage

Taking stock

Mama's boy

31/10/2016 02:48

Today, I should probably throw out my old, torn dress as my boob popped out to say hello to a passing car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 942

You deserved it 2 733

19/02/2013 07:55

Today, I met my mother's deeply religious fiancé for the first time. His response upon seeing me was to look me square in the eye and say, "You'll need to take out that nose stud or I'm afraid you'll not be welcome in our home." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 591

You deserved it 4 553

27/05/2017 03:00

Today, at work, my manager thought I needed to be showed how to use Windex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 439

You deserved it 477

28/01/2017 16:00

Today, I noticed a thick layer of mold growing inside the straw of my water bottle. I use that bottle every day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 671

You deserved it 4 658

Food for thought

By Anonymous - 08/11/2012 06:13

Today, I was told I will be having twins; this came as a shock since there are no twins in my family. When I asked my mom about it, she said that she wasn't surprised and not to worry about it because she had "absorbed her twin" and that the problem would "take care of itself." FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 019

You deserved it 2 020

02/08/2012 13:00

Today, my girlfriend opened my refrigerator and began her standard moan: "You're a pig, you never clean up. Look at that egg, it makes me want to throw up, it's gone black, it’s covered in fuzz, IT'S GOT HAIR ON IT!" I got up to check it out. It was a Kiwi fruit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 015

You deserved it 3 973

08/12/2011 17:41

Today, I took my daughter to see Santa at the mall. When I went to pick her up from Santa's lap, my watch snagged on his beard, pulling it off in front of my daughter and about twenty kids in line. My daughter still isn't speaking to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 233

You deserved it 5 169

18/05/2013 20:36

Today, I went for an interview regarding a seasonal position I'd been offered at a grocery store. The manager showed up 45 minutes past the scheduled interview time, cheerfully greeted me, and took me back to his office, just to tell me that they don't hire seasonal help. Ever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 838

You deserved it 3 747

19/07/2011 04:04

Spicy

Today, I was laying in bed making out with a girl. After trying to figure out for a while why she was spending so much time on my neck it finally hit me. She was frantically and secretly trying to remove the gum she got stuck in my hair. She failed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 338

You deserved it 4 531

04/08/2009 21:03

Spicy

Today, I was trying to give my girlfriend an orgasm. While doing so she was lying on her back. I asked her: "How do you like that, baby?". She responded by asking where I bought the false ceiling and spotlights as she thought it would look good in her flat. She got bored instead of excited. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 667

You deserved it 17 568

Toodles

By JinsNeck.exe - 19/01/2021 19:02

Today, after knowing my friendship group for 9 years, who were like my family, I found out that they actually hate me and have been trying to get me to go away for 5 years. When I left, they laughed at me, argued with me and their exact last words were, "K bye" and then kicked me out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 997

You deserved it 123

24/03/2009 05:47

Today, I work in a grocery store and a woman suffering from diarrhea somehow managed to get shit up and down two of the store aisles, then go to the ladies room and mess up the stall. I was the only one working trained in deal with bio-hazardous waste so I had to clean it up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 124 705

You deserved it 9 133

06/07/2009 04:03

Today, I went over to get some ice cream. I found a rare parking spot in front of the store, and even had change in my pocket. After feeding the meter, A lady comes up to me and tells me that the meter was free after 8 o'clock. I paid 50 cents for it. I was 50 cents short for my ice cream. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 953

You deserved it 12 687

Frittering it away

By Anonymous - 13/10/2021 13:59

Spicy

Today, I've been with my boyfriend for 6 years, and I just found out he has an OnlyFans, on which I found he messages girls, and talks to one specifically nearly regularly all year. I have no idea how much he's spent on there, but a lot: tips, requests, di** ratings. This is only a small part, and we just got a house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 851

You deserved it 85

Pissed

By Anonymous - 19/02/2020 14:00

Today, I went to the hospital, which was super busy. I did a pee test when I first arrived. After 5 hours of waiting, they told me they'd lost my pee. How do you lose someone's piss? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 704

You deserved it 111

10/11/2010 17:33

Today, a girl who has had a problem with me for as long as I can remember, tagged me in a Facebook status update in which she equated my intelligence to that of a mollusk and equated my weight to that of a hippopotamus. My boyfriend, as well as several of my "friends," liked it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 755

You deserved it 4 476

Forever alone, forever

By AloneAtPerkins - 14/06/2020 05:04

Today, I realized that I've only had 3 men show interest in me: A blind man, a drunk, and a guy so desperate, he's been trying for over 5 years of solid "No"s. I'm 21. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 214

You deserved it 339

Nice husband you've got there…

By dididikaisik - 01/08/2021 05:01

Today, I received a call from my husband of 10 years from prison. He sobbed on the phone as he explained to me that his anger got the best of him, and couldn’t control himself. He beat the pulp out of a classmate of his for declining a date with him, and sent her to the hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 204

You deserved it 89

10/09/2018 03:30

Today, I discovered that my fiancé and I had vastly different definitions of monogamy. Don't worry, he only did it when he was mad at me to remind him how much he loved me. I found out from my best friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 215

You deserved it 212

19/06/2013 23:40

Spicy

Today, I caught my 16-year-old daughter and her boyfriend trying to use a latex glove as a condom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 760

You deserved it 9 212

19/01/2011 11:05

Today, I worked out that if I paid the minimum monthly amount on my student loans, I'd be paying them until I'm 65. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 672

You deserved it 5 758

12/06/2013 16:27

Today, at my wedding, the minister forgot to skip the "does anyone object?" part. My mother stood up and gave a lengthy reason, which caused my future in-laws to start shouting. It turned into a small riot, and no, we're not married now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 623

You deserved it 3 889

18/12/2015 08:33

Today, I didn't secure my friend's wheelchair well enough to my car roof before giving him a ride. It flew off mid-drive and we still haven't found it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 936

You deserved it 7 136

04/11/2010 19:32

Spicy

Today, I woke up to two text messages from my mother. The first said, "You could've had this for breakfast. How do you like your eggs?" The next text was a picture message of her naked. I think it was meant to be sent to her boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 302

You deserved it 2 869

Unforgettable

By Anonymous - 25/10/2019 12:00

Today, it was my first day of work at my new job. I got dressed and arrived early, only to find out that the store had closed due to a power outage. Then I found out that the person who'd hired me had totally forgotten about hiring me anyway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 846

You deserved it 104

30/04/2015 03:31

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me, all because he thought I was a communist, a sinner, and a terrorist, simply because I think the gay rights are OK, because I agree with some feminists, and because I got blonde highlights in my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 779

You deserved it 6 451

07/09/2010 17:51

Today, I was shopping in a store and an employee was mopping the floor. She mopped all around where I was standing then told me to wait until the floor dried to move. I had to go to the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 518

You deserved it 6 388

Great day out

By Anonymous - 14/09/2013 19:32

Today, I went to the movies with my husband and our 6-year-old son. My husband kept stealing popcorn from the guy next to him, to the point where the guy punched him in the face. The movie was stopped, the police were called, and my son is now inconsolable. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 918

You deserved it 5 850

Deliverance

By Anonymous - 19/09/2019 20:00

Today, while at my family reunion, I learned my grandparents were first cousins. No wonder we're all crazy hillbillies. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 503

You deserved it 133

18/02/2014 20:16

Today, feeling magnanimous, I decided to help a frail-looking old lady across a busy street. She managed to "accidentally" hit me in the balls with her cane no fewer than three times before we reached the other side. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 996

You deserved it 4 403

25/01/2011 00:30

Today, my boyfriend had to give me an enema. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 226

You deserved it 4 343

Coworker from hell

By stupid! - 02/10/2021 17:00

Spicy

Today, I was studying my anatomy book for nursing school while in the break room at my day job. My nosy-ass, ignorant coworker who always finds a way to butt into everyone’s business told the front office I was looking at porn. I got written up for, "displaying offensive materials." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 255

You deserved it 65

13/01/2014 01:53

Spicy

Today, my husband and I decided to have a quickie before the kids woke up from their nap. The sex was amazing and I couldn't hold in my screams or not hit the wall. About 15 minutes in, both of our children came busting in with their nerf guns, screaming, "Where's the monster?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 361

You deserved it 36 623

Alexa, play "Gigantic" by Pixies

By Anonymous - 04/03/2020 14:01

Today, my brother was officially diagnosed with gigantism. According to the specialist doctor, he'll probably be 8 feet tall, if not taller. Hearing this, my brother looked at me and said, "Remember when you used to pick on me for being smaller than you? Karma's a bitch, ain't it?" I’m so screwed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 610

You deserved it 2 065

24/02/2016 13:13

Today, I went to my required district science fair with my project about gliders and was a bit unprepared in terms of personal knowledge on the science behind gliders. I was hoping I would get a judge who didn't know a lot about aerodynamics. One of my judges was a glider pilot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 674

You deserved it 22 822

28/02/2010 17:05

Today, my house was the only house left that still had its Christmas lights up, so I decided to take them down. Almost done, my fingers brushed over a spiderweb. Startled, I jumped off the ladder and broke my shoulder. Oh, and the spider still managed to stay on my hand, giving me a panic attack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 641

You deserved it 8 376

Woohoo, party time!

By Dp. - 27/03/2021 13:59

Today, after 22 years, I finally got promoted to senior tech. My wife bitched about the reheated lasagna and I drank a fifth of whiskey. A celebration dinner to remember FML

I agree, your life sucks 803

You deserved it 131

The Gush

By Anonymous - 10/10/2019 22:01

Today, I had planned to do a twenty-minute colon cleanse enema for weight loss. Instead, I woke up in the middle of the night with uncontrollable diarrhea that’s still going strong. Eight hours and counting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 731

You deserved it 1 933

07/08/2013 16:34

Today, I noticed that my new shampoo had an unfamiliar pink color to it. After some investigation, I found a dead mouse that had apparently cut itself on the bottle pump. I've been washing my hair with mouse blood. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 776

You deserved it 5 408

26/09/2018 22:00

Today, I helped a guy in a flaming car by busting his window to get him out. I didn't realize until after the crash scene was cleared, that I didn't just have his blood on me, but I also had cut from the window. Round 3 of aids testing here I come. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 062

You deserved it 277

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Top comments

xlord 27

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Monday 7 November 2011 8:37

Leave him alone.... I think he's going to have an imaginary divorce soon anyway

andrew_thomson 9

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Monday 7 November 2011 8:38

He must be smokin' some heavy dubies!

Comments

xlord 27

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Monday 7 November 2011 8:37

Leave him alone.... I think he's going to have an imaginary divorce soon anyway

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Monday 7 November 2011 8:40

Maybe he and his prostitute have taken their relationship to the next level.

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Monday 7 November 2011 8:46

Or he was on the phone .....

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Monday 7 November 2011 8:48

Or maybe he is talking to his dead wife?

xlord 27

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Monday 7 November 2011 9:01

He just happens to be on the phone everyday yelling at a crazy bitch?

iam_yummylicious 12

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Monday 7 November 2011 10:05

OR... Ohemgee, he has a caretaker? *gasp* - Who woulda thunk?

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Monday 7 November 2011 11:33

Take it easy on him, he just doesn't want to shave his nose hair.

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Monday 7 November 2011 11:47

Maybe he has a visiting nurse, or one or his children/grandchildren who come every day to help/visit him.

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Monday 7 November 2011 12:49

maybe its toby from paranormal activity 3 :o

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Monday 7 November 2011 12:54

Or maybe he talks to himself.

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Monday 7 November 2011 13:15

Or grandpa doesn't give a fuck about what you think. |the kid|

folgy 10

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Monday 7 November 2011 15:42

You get a pineapple put a wig on in and draw a face on it and one night leave it at his door knock and run the crazy shit you would probably hear would be priceless

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Monday 7 November 2011 20:29

yes xlord. His kids could call everyday to check up on him. And you obviously haven't had to put up with the wrath of a controlling daughter.

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Tuesday 8 November 2011 0:29

He is just messing with you OP

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Thursday 29 November 2012 16:27

Maybe a infomercial came on?

andrew_thomson 9

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Monday 7 November 2011 8:38

He must be smokin' some heavy dubies!

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Monday 7 November 2011 13:36

Cocaine is one helluva drug!

corporatescoundr 25

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Monday 7 November 2011 13:46

Rick James!

Every1luvsfmls 6

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Wednesday 9 November 2011 0:47

This "Old man" actually bangs a different girl every night.

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Monday 7 November 2011 8:38

schitzophrenic perhaps?

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Tuesday 8 November 2011 4:44

Or possibly he has a phone? Nah, he's not that hip.

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Monday 7 November 2011 8:39

Perhaps OP is the crazy one imagining voices.

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Monday 7 November 2011 13:35

4 - And boom goes the dynamite!!!

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Monday 7 November 2011 19:11

A person hearing voice that hear voices? Schizoception!

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Monday 7 November 2011 8:43

Oohh crazy old man :o

danielabella94 0

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Monday 7 November 2011 8:43

That sounds annoying but I do feel bad for him!

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Monday 7 November 2011 8:45

Why? He never has to be alone.

danielabella94 0

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Monday 7 November 2011 8:46

True! :) I just feel bad that he's crazy!

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Monday 7 November 2011 8:47

That's the best kind!

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Monday 7 November 2011 8:44

Lol, run as fast as you can!!

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Monday 7 November 2011 8:45

He's probably trolling people on ChatRoulette.

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Monday 7 November 2011 8:51

And how is that possible?

beatdownbarbie 5

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Monday 23 January 2012 12:39

Oh you're one of the random 9 out of 10 dicks on there. Lol that's why I never stayed on that site. It was like trying to play duck duck goose...but no goose.

metallicshadow 16

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Monday 7 November 2011 8:55

send his ass to the sanitarium

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Monday 7 November 2011 12:37

Sanitarium, leave me be Sanitarium, just leave me alone

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Monday 7 November 2011 9:04

You're never alone until the voices go away.