Today, I had to drag my grandmother out of a store because she... - FML

By daddy's girl - 22/1/2013 04:08 - United States - Springfield

Today, I had to drag my grandmother out of a store because she went up to a black family and started apologizing for slavery. FML

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Big baby man

Call CPS!

White line fever

By Sal - 3/3/2009 18:29 - United States

Today, I asked my girlfriend when she would give me a blowjob. She replied, "you know that won't happen, I'm a vegetarian." FML

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By neveragain - 12/2/2016 19:10 - United Kingdom - Byfleet

Today, I ended up in the ER because I ruptured a testicle by accidentally sitting on it. Last time I ever go commando. FML

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By EconM - 3/10/2013 15:38 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I went to one of the United States Mints since he enjoys coins. He looked at the money and seriously said, "I have such a hard on". He did. FML

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By MrsRockyHorror - 15/3/2010 08:11 - United States

Today, I seriously considered labelling myself as 'in a relationship' on Facebook, even though I haven't been in one since '92, so I can hide just how desperate I am. FML

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By anonymous - 28/8/2015 17:18 - United States - Huffman

Today, I decided to give my dog a bath. Instead, my dog gave me a bath. FML

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By - 5/12/2018 21:00 - United Kingdom

Today me and my boyfriend were in an adventurous sexual position and as I started to orgasm he slipped, landed awkwardly and dislocated both my hips, while I was in the middle of an orgasm. Somehow the pleasure of the orgasm made the pain worse. I don't think I'll ever want sex again. FML

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By PeedMom - 16/3/2018 09:00 - United States - Cedar Bluff

Today, I had to pee really badly. I rushed to the bathroom, pulled down my pants, and sat on the toilet. After a few seconds of peeing, I realized I had only pulled down my pants. Not my underpants. FML

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By obtuse_ballsack - 4/6/2012 20:37 - Croatia - Zagreb

Today, I desperately needed to pee, but my mom was in the bathroom taking a shower, so I waited patiently until she finished. Just as I was about to go in, my half-naked dad rushed ahead, said "Going somewhere, son?" and shut the door on me. FML

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By Shoes - 12/6/2009 05:33 - United States

Today, I was helping an old man find a pair of shoes. I told him about a particularly comfortable pair but had to inform him that they only came in black or white. Hearing this, the old man grabbed me around the neck and began to beat me in the head with our display shoe. He wanted brown. FML

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By sadlysingle - 21/2/2014 08:04 - United States - Rockwall

Today, I received a response to my perfectly straightforward online dating profile: "How about changing a dirty diaper, mommy?" FML

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By Anonymous - 19/12/2010 05:24 - United States

Today, my boyfriend called me into the bathroom after he had been in there awhile. I found him with his pants down, looking at a pimple on his butt in the mirror. He asked me for "help". FML

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By Evil_Angel_90 - 10/9/2013 11:36 - Australia

Today, in order to try and get over my slight fear of swans, I went down to the local park to feed them. One decided that I looked tastier than the bread I was throwing and chased me around the feeding area while everybody laughed. FML

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By Ren - 24/2/2009 10:37 - United States

Today, I applied for a job in an Italian restaurant. Ideally I wanted to be a hostess rather than a waitress, and I told the manager as much. His response? "No no no. Hostess no good for you. We leave that to the pretty girls." FML

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By mr.nobody - 16/12/2011 14:59 - Cyprus

Today, after I sent around 300 entries to a competition hosted by a deodorant company where the main prize is a trip to Hawaii, spending around 5 hours sending the entries, I won a deodorant. FML

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By failureparent - 21/3/2011 01:25 - United States

Today, in an attempt to get my son to stop playing Call of Duty, I threw his Xbox controller out the window. He was so desperate, he followed it. His bedroom is on the second floor. My son has 3 broken ribs, and no future. FML

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By becca1417 - 1/9/2009 22:21 - United States

Today, I was at the mall in a store looking at movie posters. I turned around and suddenly saw a creepy guy smiling at me, holding his arms out wide. I screamed "holy shit!" really loudly, causing everyone to stop and stare at me funny. Then I realized the creepy man was a cardboard cutout. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/2/2011 17:41 - Ireland

Today, I cycled 30 minutes through hail and rain to get my pregnant girlfriend the crisps she was craving. When I made it back, she didn't want them anymore. FML

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By shittysituation - 5/1/2015 06:27 - United States - Milpitas

Today, I came back from break to find that my roommate had been shitting in the bathtub for the entire 2 weeks I had been gone. FML

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By WakeUpToADream - 25/9/2015 20:43 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my girlfriend is as punctual as a German train; I woke up to see her taking a dump into a plastic bag in our bedroom, all because my roommate was using the bathroom and she had to leave for work on time. FML

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By Why - 3/9/2015 19:54 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had to create another signature. I have to use one at the bank and the other around my mother, so that when she tries to cash my paychecks the bank won't let her. FML

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By shartface12 - 6/6/2014 22:01 - United States - San Jose

Today, after a big house party the night before, I woke up with a dry mouth and a pounding hangover. I took a swig from a cup I'd left on my bedside table the night before, thinking it was water. Nope; it was vodka. FML

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By scratchpost - 28/10/2010 12:07 - United States

Today, my cat woke me up by sharpening his claws on my breast. FML

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By harambae - 11/9/2016 17:10 - United States - La Grange

Today, I accidentally mooed during sex. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2011 02:35 - United States

Today, I was at my boyfriends house, in the bathroom. I noticed a pregnancy test in the trash can. He lives alone. FML

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By Tired - 5/8/2010 18:38 - United States

Today, I got home from work to find the door locked and dead bolted, so I used my cell to call the home phone while banging on the door. My stepmom came out of her room, looked right at me, laughed, and went back to bed. This is the fifth time she's done this. FML

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By Carolina R-h - 20/6/2019 04:45

Today, after driving 900 miles, the tongue on my trailer broke ten miles away from home. I was stuck on the side of the road for 3 hours. FML

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By Gioia - 30/4/2013 12:28 - Bulgaria - Vidin

Today, I was so nervous about a first date that trying to break a silence in the beginning, I asked, "So, you afraid of any insects?" No wonder I didn't get a second date. FML

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By stupidapperently - 1/2/2013 04:06 - United States

Today, while checking out a couple at work, I handed them their receipt and wished them a good day. The woman promptly pulled her husband to the side, and whispered to him about how much of a "fucking idiot" I was for making the prices so high. I work at McDonald's. FML

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By boobswerehere - 7/7/2016 07:15 - United States - Reno

Today, I went to visit my best friend at her house. I saw her five-year-old brother playing in the front yard, and as I walked up to the door he shouted, "Boobs are here! Boobs are here!" FML

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By dreamdude - 20/9/2009 13:21 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of a year broke up with me because I didn't fight some guy that started hitting her right in front of me... In a dream. She was totally serious. FML

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By therewasnocurtain - 6/4/2015 20:07 - United States - Lewiston

Today, I visited my sick grandpa for a few hours in the hospital. His roommate, also an elderly man, wouldn't stop masturbating. FML

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By Anon O'Mous - 2/1/2012 15:38 - United States

Today, I was taking a shower at the gym when hearing a loud popping noise. Surprised and startled, I jumped and slipped, hitting my head against the shower wall that left a small gash. The pop noise was just someone blowing bubbles from their gum. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/10/2019 12:00

Kids, eh?

Today, I was with my four year-old daughter when we met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman I know. My daughter looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn’t your skin fit your face?" FML

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By Anonymous - 14/1/2011 04:30 - Ireland

Today, I had to repeat my order in Starbucks three times because the barista was staring at my chest. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/12/2011 17:03 - United Kingdom

Today, in the spirit of Christmas, I let a spider live in my room. I normally kill them, because I'm scared of waking up with one on my face. I woke up with it on my face. FML

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By ms piggy - 15/12/2011 21:52 - United States

Today, stepping on a scale for the first time in years, I had to lift up my stomach to see the number. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/7/2013 06:04 - Australia - Mulgrave

Today, I came home to find that my mother had cleaned my room, and she'd done a very good job, too. So good in fact, that she even managed to remove all of the furniture, replacing it with a note that said, "It's time to go, sweetie XO". FML

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By Katie - 20/2/2011 08:35 - Reserved

Today, I woke up to an angry snake trying to climb the leg of my bed. My bedroom was closed all day yesterday. It must have gotten in my room days ago. FML

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By alealovespurple - 16/8/2009 20:04 - Canada

Today, I went through my 15 year old daughter's internet history. On google she searched 'Excuses to get away from your dad' and 5 other variations of the same thing. We were supposed to be having a father daughter day tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2011 11:40 - Canada

Today, I found out that my grandma has been sending me birthday money every year. My mom just steals it before I ever see it. FML

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Top comments

By CueTheMusic | 22

#5334641 - Tuesday 22 January 2013 11:21

That's kinda cute in a grandparent and it could be worse, a lot of old people are racist!

By FreakoHolm | 6

#5334637 - Tuesday 22 January 2013 11:19

At least she apologised. Could be worse, she could have asked them to apologise for... well, anything.

Comments

By my_name_is_earl | 9

#5334636 - Tuesday 22 January 2013 11:18

Why do I not see this as a FML?

By FreakoHolm | 6

#5334637 - Tuesday 22 January 2013 11:19

At least she apologised. Could be worse, she could have asked them to apologise for... well, anything.

Reply

adamo_erebus | 25

#5334660 - Tuesday 22 January 2013 11:42

OP's grandma sounds a lot better than all the other evil ones we hear about on this sites, tbh.

Reply

Puffytruffles | 18

#5334664 - Tuesday 22 January 2013 11:44

She was the one apologising.. She didn't ask for anything.

By greenishyellow | 5

#5334639 - Tuesday 22 January 2013 11:20

Was she personally involved?

By hopelessteej | 8

#5334640 - Tuesday 22 January 2013 11:20

did she offer fried chicken along with her condolences?

By CueTheMusic | 22

#5334641 - Tuesday 22 January 2013 11:21

That's kinda cute in a grandparent and it could be worse, a lot of old people are racist!

By alexhaz64 | 4

#5334642 - Tuesday 22 January 2013 11:21

Apologizing is better than the opposite...

By MrSarary | 26

#5334643 - Tuesday 22 January 2013 11:23

Sounds innocent enough .. She was just making small talk

By OrangeKnife | 10

#5334645 - Tuesday 22 January 2013 11:26

KFC mmmm.... I love me some KFC and Watermelon, and Kool-Aid.

By qirde_15 | 5

#5334646 - Tuesday 22 January 2013 11:26

abraham lincoln could have given her a medal for that deed

By krash357_fml | 7

#5334647 - Tuesday 22 January 2013 11:27

She's right to apologise OP even if it's not directly her fault. People love taking credit for their ancestors' good deeds but take no responsibility for their bad deeds.