Intimacy: Today, I had the closing shift at work in a cafe and there was... - FML

By MBG - Australia

Today, I had the closing shift at work in a cafe and there was a man and lady left. I made them coffee and started to close up. When the lady finished her coffee she grabbed my arm and said 'I think that man is masturbating' and leaves in a hurry. I had to wait for him to finish before closing. FML

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Walk on the wild side

Intense

Nothing honey, nothing

By Anonymous

Today, I got a call from the wife, but I was asleep so she left a voicemail. Seems like she accidentally called while sleeping with another man. FML

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By worthless - United States

Today, my boyfriend, who doesn't wear deodorant and has horrible dandruff, decided to shower for the first time in nearly a week because he got invited out to a bar. He didn't even invite me to go with him. FML

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By spleg - United Kingdom

Today, I discovered that the painful eczema I get every winter was actually being caused by the moisturising cream I use to treat it. FML

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By justhereforlaughs - United States

Today, while at the beach, my little brother's hat blew off. I chased after it before I completely lost sight and realized I was no match for the wind. I get back and he's wearing the hat. I chased a fucking trash bag for a mile thinking it was his hat. FML

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By jamongrande - United States - San Francisco

Today, my roommate and I are so broke, we resorted to going to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting just for the refreshments. FML

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By Katie - United States

The Bathtub Incident

Today, my little sister took a dump in our bath tub right before we were leaving for soccer practice. When my mom found it, she blamed it on me, then made me pick it up with my bare hands. FML

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By jennabean - United States

Today, I was in the car for 8 hours driving home from North Carolina with my family. We brought my dog along and I was petting her for most of the ride. I thought she fell asleep, so I continued to play with her. She never woke up. I played with a dead dog for almost an hour and a half. FML

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By doodoobref - United States - Lake Havasu City

Today, my parents sent me to the hospital because they thought I had diabetes. One of the symptoms is that you a pee a lot. The only reason I go to the bathroom so often is so I can masturbate. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my neighbor declared his love for me via "the medium of interpretative dance." FML

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By Nightbird827

Today, a police officer pulled me over. He asked me where I was headed, so I jokingly replied, "Probably to jail after you run my name". He laughed and took my information, only to then arrest me for unpaid parking tickets I never received. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was with my boyfriend and we were talking about childhood memories. He told me about a girl he made fun of in middle school. That was me. FML

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By theguy24 - United States

Today, I finally broke my two year dry spell, but as she was putting on the condom, I came. She laughed from the time she was putting on her clothes to when she walked out the door. I don't think she's going to call back. FML

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By Ohfman117 - United States

Today, I was sneaking over to my girlfriend's house. I sent her mother a text message thinking it was my girlfriend saying "There's a stalker coming in to make you his play mate ;]" Unfortunately when I got to her window I was greeted by her dad with a bat. FML

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By Fish Breath - United States - Bloomington

Today, as part of my job at a pet store, I helped our frat house president pick out goldfish for the new aquarium the big brothers are installing over summer break. And, once I'm initiated, I'll get to swallow one of the fish. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I found out that since no other procedures are working, I was required to stop eating, and drink a bunch of foul tasting 'goo', which will in turn give me constant diarrhea. This will then prepare me nicely for the long tube with a camera on the end of which will be shoved up my rectum. FML

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By really? - United States - Concord

Today, my son told me that some kids had been picking on him at school. When I asked him to elaborate, he said that kids sometimes didn't say "Hi" back when he greeted them. FML

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By why - United States - Beachwood

Today, the family I was serving had ordered calamari and when I brought out the food, they started yelling at me because apparently their daughter was allergic to it. Just why would you order it then? FML

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By KrissyBearr - United States

Today, while having sex, I told my boyfriend that I love him. I could feel him go soft inside me. FML

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By luckygirl - United States

Today, I was hit on by a guy who decided to use the line, "My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I fell and impaled my leg on a steel rod at work. The first guy to respond to my agonised cry for help must’ve been a total moron because he thought it was a prank and yanked on the rod to see how it worked. Then he asked if I did it on purpose to get a day off. FML

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By SendHelpAndBleach

Today, I decided to surprise my parents who I haven’t seen in a while. They weren’t home, but I still have a key so I let myself in. When I went to my old room to put down my bags, I was greeted by a sex swing. FML

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By Farah - Bangladesh

Today, I e-mailed an employer to ask about a job I had applied for earlier. The employer in question was on vacation. The person who replied had the position which I had applied for mentioned in their signature. FML

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By why god - United States - Huntington Park

Today, my parents kicked me out of the house because they were having a party. They gave me twenty bucks to go see a movie. Well, the movie ended pretty quick, but the trauma of seeing my parents in a swingers' orgy will take some time getting over. FML

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By Yocherrypicker

Today, I got my report card. My teacher gave me an F, and under class comments she gave me a U for unsatisfactory. So I got an F U from my teacher. FML

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By ugh - South Africa - Durban

Today, as I was enjoying a nice fish salad, my father looked me dead in the eyes and said, "Ahh, salmon. The 'other' pink meat", then winked suggestively at my mother. I don't think I can ever eat fish again. FML

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By syco - United Kingdom

Today, the girl I like was panicking because her car broke down, so I offered her a lift to wherever she needed to be. I drove her to her boyfriend's house. She asked me to drive her home in the morning. FML

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By pandaface - United Kingdom

Today, to wipe his crack, my boyfriend is still using a newspaper that I left there when he first started refusing to buy toilet paper. FML

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By Ksweety_fml

He does have a point

Today, I texted someone and typed, "lol". My boyfriend asked me why I put "lol". I told him because I thought it was funny. He looked at me weird and said, "But you didn't laugh." Now he thinks I'm weird because I didn't actually laugh out loud. FML

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By Anonymous

Wig out

Today, a little girl asked me if I was wearing a toupee. It's my real hair. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my biology teacher assigned us partners for a project. I got paired up with one of the smartest kids in the class. When he found out I was his partner, he cried. FML

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By 44magnumtime - Canada - Oakville

Today, some new people moved into the house next door to mine. The previous occupants were very loud and obnoxious day in and day out, so I was looking forward to some sanity. When I went outside, I noticed they'd parked their cars on my lawn. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Lethbridge

Today, I found out my girlfriend doesn't really take flute lessons after all. In related news, every time my best friend supposedly drives her to flute lessons, he's actually taking her to his house for a different kind of activity. FML

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By Christian - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. We are on a cruise together. She has already found another room to sleep in. FML

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By jnp414 - United States - Bristol

Today, my house key jammed inside the lock, which would've been annoying even if I hadn't been desperately running from my neighbor's psycho pitbull at the time. FML

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By It'd be nice to see you too. - United States - Minneapolis

Today, at my all-night senior party, I was talking to the blind girl who I haven't had classes with since 9th grade. I unthinkingly opened the conversation with "Nice to see you again." FML

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By unsatisfied - France

Today, I lost my virginity. It took all of 30 seconds. FML

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By hedayk - United States - Bronx

Today, I woke up so hungover that when I went to the bathroom and caught sight of myself in the mirror, I screamed, slipped backwards, and smashed my head against the rim of my bathtub. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - La Mesa

Today, while working third shift alone at a gas station, I had to deal with a crazy guy tripping balls and asking me if it was okay to bring a gun into the place. I don't get paid nearly enough for this. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I got into a huge fight. What was it over? He accused me of pronouncing MY name wrong. FML

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By sleepytime - United States

Today, I was really, REALLY tired at work. I went to the restroom to take a little break, and must have dozed off, because I was awoken by my boss, knocking on the door of the stall. Apparently, I had been snoring. FML

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Top comments

By RyeBreadBoy | 0

#270370 - Friday 5 June 2009 16:29

i'm pretty sure you could've thrown him out at that point.

By may_cause_fail | 0

#270377 - Friday 5 June 2009 16:30

The coffee was just that good?

COMMENTS

By jadeddream | 0

#270364 - Friday 5 June 2009 16:28

wtf?

Reply

syddyb | 0

#1107181 - Sunday 18 July 2010 22:29

agreed.

Reply

_cameronkc_ | 17

#6119168 - Saturday 15 November 2014 9:11

Good thing you didn't have cleanup too! ;D

By RyeBreadBoy | 0

#270370 - Friday 5 June 2009 16:29

i'm pretty sure you could've thrown him out at that point.

Reply

Zazoo1995 | 23

#5490101 - Monday 13 May 2013 18:43

My thoughts exactly... Isn't there a law against public masturbation or decency?

By RosarioRivera | 0

#270371 - Friday 5 June 2009 16:29

sucks!

By may_cause_fail | 0

#270377 - Friday 5 June 2009 16:30

The coffee was just that good?

By Silent_Harmony | 3

#270382 - Friday 5 June 2009 16:31

I would have called the cops...

By poolshark | 0

#270398 - Friday 5 June 2009 16:33

"Damn fine coffee! And HOT!"

By fortytwo | 0

#270400 - Friday 5 June 2009 16:33

inb4"grabed" comments

By CryingHowls | 0

#270406 - Friday 5 June 2009 16:33

did he take really long? hahaha
what was he masturbating at...? you? o.O

By omigod | 0

#270432 - Friday 5 June 2009 16:38

what were u doing the whole time when waiting for him to finish?

By ChelseaChops | 1

#270435 - Friday 5 June 2009 16:38

You should have went over to investigate. If he was, then chuck him out or phone the police.