Today, I had sex with a girl who cried out as she came "Forgive...

By chicochico - 19/12/2008 16:05 - France

Today, I had sex with a girl who cried out as she came "Forgive me Lord! Forgive me Lord!" FML

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Intimacy

Season finale

Boozehound alert

Stubborn

By petty petty petty - 8/9/2017 16:00

Today, my mom yelled at me for fighting with my younger brother. Not because she wanted us to stop, but because my brother couldn't find a good comeback to my argument. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/3/2013 20:56 - France - Sainte-savine

Go deep

Today, I was chatting with a co-worker, and she mentioned she has trouble swallowing pills. I replied that I'm lucky, because I have next to no gag reflex. Half the guys at the other registers abruptly went silent, and I'm now being constantly hit on. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/8/2009 02:24 - United Kingdom

Today, I punched the air enthusiastically after getting an impossible question right. Unfortunately, above me was an old fashioned mole trap, with 6 small spikes and 2 large ones. I now have 6 puncture wounds in my hand, and two in my shoulder, as it fell off the hook it was hanging on. FML

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By Cogibbt - 3/8/2019 12:00 - Canada

Today, my mom found out that paper is made from trees. She read it on a garbage truck. I then had to explain to her how it's made. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/4/2013 10:23 - Canada

Today, I was screamed at and told that I was denying someone's "second amendment" by not letting him through with a gun. I work at the border; he was trying to enter Canada. This is not the first time, and it probably won't be the last. FML

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By PityKitty - 24/12/2013 16:53

Today, I pretended to cry in front of my cat because she doesn't cuddle with me anymore. Yeah, I tried to guilt-trip my cat into loving me. FML

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By ssssssssuck a dick, boss - 18/8/2013 17:29 - United States - Kalispell

I can't help it!

Today, my manager took me aside and angrily told me to quit fucking about with our customers. He totally refuses to believe that the slight whistling sound I keep making when I exhale is because I have a chipped tooth. FML

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By "linzi1771" - 15/12/2018 05:00 - Canada - Vancouver

Today, in front of my friends, my mom came after me with a pair of tweezers exclaiming "there's just a couple of hairs on your chin that need to be plucked." I'm a 14 year old girl. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/4/2012 14:50 - United States - Cabin John

Today, I got home from work to find my boyfriend sobbing hysterically over the death of his cat. The only cat he could be talking about is the one on his Sims account. FML

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By dsbass09 - 9/7/2011 05:59 - United States

Today, after 8 years in exceptionally difficult veterinarian classes which put me $200,000 in debt, and 7 months of job searching, I finally got a job. I will be inspecting feces for worms while making minimum wage. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/6/2019 14:03

Today, I got fired from my job. My boss is my brother. His reason being that, "it would create awkward tension between us." I've been working for him for 5 years, and it's like he's only just realised that I was there. FML

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By cosmonaut - 7/8/2009 09:18 - New Zealand

Today, at work I noticed that the last of my pencils had been taken from my desk. I assumed it was the coworker who I've talked to at least ten times regarding taking my stationery. I approached her and, feeling brave, yelled at her in front of the entire office. I was holding the pencil. FML

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By neednewshoes - 7/12/2017 01:30

Today, like every day, I flushed a public toilet with my foot. Today, unlike every day, my foot missed the handle and landed in the unflushed water. FML

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By carmelita - 16/7/2009 15:09 - Singapore

Today, I was on webcam with my boyfriend. A while later I forgot about it and started digging my nose vigorously. He then beeped me and said "Digging for gold, dear? " FML

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By sickofthesmelltoo - 28/2/2013 10:56 - Australia - Fitzroy

Today, my friends confronted me and told me that they no longer want to visit my house because my dog smells really disgusting. I didn't have the heart to tell them that the smell is actually my parents, who have been trying to "save water" by only showering once a fortnight. FML

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By Greg - 29/8/2020 05:01

Lovely Rita

Today, I went to lunch with a friend in her car. I told her to park in a lot that had signs warning that we'd be towed, saying, "They never tow anyone from here. In fact, if you get towed, I'll pay for it." When we returned, her car was gone. I had to pay $145 in cash to get it back. FML

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By still laughing - 28/8/2015 21:48 - United States - Providence

Today, I was going down on my boyfriend when he stood up on the bed to get a different experience. I started to get aggressive and pushed him up against the wall. I forgot our bed was on wheels and the bed started sliding away and his body slid down the wall. So much for being sexy. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/12/2010 14:35 - Taiwan

Today, I went to pick up my daughter from preschool. When I got there, I ran to give her a hug. She screamed and ran away. FML

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By notthenaughtymaid - 4/8/2014 21:54 - United States - Cedar Bluff

Today, I posted an ad online for house cleaning services. So far, all fifteen responses have been solicitations for sex. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2009 01:23 - United States

Today, as my dad was handing me my Christmas gift, he pats me on the shoulder and says, "These were mine, hope you enjoy them as much as I did." Thinking it was something special of his he wanted to hand down to me, I quickly unwrapped the box only to find old 70's porn. Merry Christmas? FML

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By foreverbrown - 15/5/2012 02:23 - United States

Today, I was having dinner with my college friends to celebrate the end of our first year. I said really great things about them as individuals. The only thing they had to say to me was, "Thanks for being the token black friend." FML

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By anonymous - 7/8/2012 03:08 - Australia

Today, I successfully stopped my hair straightener from falling into a bathtub full of water by grabbing hold of the burning hot plates. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/6/2015 01:34 - United States - West Chester

Today, my mother found my escaped pet snake after she had already washed and dried it with the laundry. FML

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By anon - 21/11/2012 19:34 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I tried to motivate my 9-year-old sister to clean her room. She said she'd only agree if she could kill me. Thinking she was just kidding around, and not a total psychopath, I said sure. She ran to her room shouting, "Yes! I'm gonna use the big knife!" She's still cleaning now. FML

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By marie12 - 27/3/2011 01:19 - Belgium

Today, I decided to have dinner with three friends to forget about the painful break up with my boyfriend. The first friend announced that she and her boyfriend had just bought a house, the second one that he was no longer single, and the third one revealed that she was pregnant. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2009 06:05 - United States

Today, at my girlfriend's place I cleaned up her room, put candles everywhere, scented the air and placed rose petals all over her bed in an attempt to be romantic and loving. The first thing she said when she saw all this was "uggg I have to clean all this up". FML

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By Anonymous - 14/1/2014 16:15 - United Kingdom - Chester

Today, I was laying down with my girlfriend, when she asked me if I'd ever been kicked in the junk. I awkwardly said no, and she replied, "Well maybe that should change." while rubbing my shoulder lovingly. I'm scared. FML

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By Danno - 1/1/2009 18:22 - United States

Today, I was playing GTA4 and went on its fake dating site to email a girl to go on a date with. I've never had much luck with dating in real life, so I figured the game would be more kind to me. After a while I went back to check my email, and the fake girl I'd propositioned told me to get lost. FML

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By Fuck you, Dad. Fuck you. - 19/6/2014 21:05 - Sweden - Sundbyberg

Today, I asked my dad if he'd like to see the photos of my wedding, which he didn't bother to come to. Reply: "What the fuck, are you gay or something? Keep that homo stuff to yourself." My wife started laughing so hard she was crying. FML

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By Juicy12Jham - 9/9/2011 03:30 - United States

Today, I was on the phone with Microsoft Customer Service for about a total of 2 hours. That's the longest I've ever talked to anybody. FML

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By Zoey_M - 8/7/2013 23:26 - Saudi Arabia - Riyadh

Today, my older brother told me that the only reason I like cats is because they control minds. I laughed. He was serious. FML

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By clumsyandhungry - 15/9/2010 04:24 - United States

Today, we were closing the restaurant early. I begin mopping as a couple walks in. The lady slips and falls, and to avoid a lawsuit, we offer them free food. After they left, I slipped on the freshly mopped kitchen floor with dishes in my hands. I didn't get free food. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2013 20:37 - United States - North Bend

Today, my mother bitched me out for filing divorce papers against my abusive husband. According to her, it's a "slap in God's face". She's the one who's divorced two husbands so far because they weren't getting job promotions fast enough to support her hoarding habit. FML

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By woof woof?? - 15/6/2013 20:26 - Canada - Sherwood Park

Today, I was making love to my boyfriend, when he discovered that if he hits a certain area just right, my leg starts shaking like a dog. Now he won't stop patting my head and saying, "Who's a good girl?!" FML

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By thisucks - 28/1/2010 13:59 - Canada

Today, I went out on a date with a guy significantly older than myself. I told him I really liked him because I can have an intelligent conversation with him, unlike most guys my age. He told me he just wanted to get into my pants. FML

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By Nicky_ham - 6/1/2016 04:56 - Canada - Regina

Today, a 65-ish year-old man told me that he's married and not supposed to look at other women, but that I tempt him. All while sitting next to his wife, who then told me I was going to hell. FML

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By minette08 - 29/1/2010 21:38 - United States

Today, I discovered that the seal on my driver's door is defective. I made this discovery when I got rained on while I was getting my car washed. FML

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By fuckerman - 3/5/2009 03:47 - Canada

Today, my grandpa told me he can still get aroused even though he is 84. Im 32 and have erectile dysfunction. FML

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By notanybetter - 8/6/2019 02:00

Today, the drummer from my favorite band threw a drumstick into the crowd during a concert. It hit me on the head and bounced into my friend's hands. She left with a drumstick from a band she didn't want to see in the first place. I left with a bruise. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/7/2020 17:01

Nutritious

Today, I caught my dog “cleaning” the cat’s litter box. He won’t be giving me any kisses anytime soon. FML

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Top comments

By ionelementz112 | 0

#60 - Tuesday 3 February 2009 21:48

You should have said, "I forgive you."

By Adam_B | 0

#2968 - Tuesday 17 February 2009 11:45

FML = F*** My Life

FML = Forgive Me Lord

Coincidence...?

COMMENTS

By ionelementz112 | 0

#60 - Tuesday 3 February 2009 21:48

You should have said, "I forgive you."

n3rdzgotskillz | 29

#612386 - Friday 9 October 2009 21:54

Haha, win :')

teozac | 0

#818538 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 14:16

WIN

erick1105692 | 0

#881177 - Monday 22 February 2010 5:19

lawl

imsexb3ast | 0

#968248 - Friday 26 March 2010 1:30

lol nice 1 there

Bilama | 1

#1723217 - Friday 19 November 2010 13:55

LMAO! yes

AwkwardPartyBear | 24

#2031449 - Tuesday 1 February 2011 2:28

mwahaha epic win there

Rawr100 | 0

#2494336 - Wednesday 11 May 2011 18:59

Fuck yeah

By alpuppy | 0

#279 - Thursday 5 February 2009 14:49

so incredibly hot

GMS1 | 7

#1332314 - Wednesday 1 September 2010 8:03

yes! I thought so too.

changesinme | 0

#1683568 - Thursday 11 November 2010 18:51

I wonder who she was thinking of when she came, you or .....

Leoboy635 | 0

#2214852 - Monday 21 March 2011 6:29

lmao win#105,that made my day

Ryanjr | 2

#4816293 - Wednesday 15 August 2012 16:33

I know right!

By moxy_fml | 0

#390 - Friday 6 February 2009 17:54

DUDE, AWESOME

By HanisMan01 | 0

#496 - Saturday 7 February 2009 13:36

I would have yelled Praise the lord! as i finished haha

By WhatThePhuc | 0

#639 - Sunday 8 February 2009 8:17

that is so awesome lol

By MisterJD | 0

#676 - Sunday 8 February 2009 15:57

It's always easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission...

yayhesdead165 | 1

#362379 - Friday 3 July 2009 1:56

#7 is right
#24 also right and
#26 sometimes right
stick with it and it will pay off!

By cndrow | 0

#921 - Monday 9 February 2009 23:30

Oh gawd, that's horrifying to me. lol! You poor thing.

randome101 | 12

#5973597 - Thursday 12 June 2014 22:21

Yeah that would freak me out

By 2random | 0

#1043 - Tuesday 10 February 2009 11:52

haha at #20 that made me laugh sooo much !!!
LOL

By strawberrymilksh | 0

#1230 - Wednesday 11 February 2009 5:02

hahahahahaha this made my life.

By captcool024 | 0

#1519 - Thursday 12 February 2009 9:18

i wish i was you.. the only thing better would be the houdini.