Love: Today, I had my new girlfriend over for dinner. Halfway through...

By Anonymous - 20/05/2011 23:30 - United States

Today, I had my new girlfriend over for dinner. Halfway through the meal, my dad started poking her with his fork. When I asked him what the hell he was doing, he barked back, "Just making sure she isn't a blow-up doll!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 431

You deserved it 4 592

Love

Mother of the year

The smell detective is on the case

Always call first

By why the fuck would you do that - 25/02/2013 02:57 - United States - Phoenix

Today, my son broke his hand when he and his best friend had the genius idea of punching each other in the fists as hard as they could. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 470

You deserved it 3 773

By Anonymous - 02/06/2019 16:09

Today, I found out that my 8-year-old daughter somehow learned how babies are made. Sort of. I found this out when we had the open house at her school where she meets her new teachers. When one teacher asked where she was from, she replied, "My daddy's balls." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 849

You deserved it 206

By linda - 22/11/2010 21:14 - United States

Today, I went to get my hair highlighted at the salon. The salonist mixed up my blonde hair dye with some other girl's hot pink and violet dye. Now I look like a cheap hooker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 624

You deserved it 5 396

By thewhompingwillow - 01/09/2012 17:56 - United States - Springfield

Today, my dog, who has been specially trained to go for help when I'm having a seizure, went to alert my parents downstairs that I was having an emergency. The "emergency" was me masturbating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 711

You deserved it 11 888

By lady_jeni - 09/07/2009 07:29 - United States

Today, I went to see my grandmother. She has alzheimers and doesn't remember me sometimes, and today she thought I was her sister and that I was trying to steal my grandfather from her. She hit me with a cane and called me a slut. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 393

You deserved it 3 223

By holycow - 22/02/2010 09:28 - United States

Today, I was awakened, in the middle of the night, by the sound of crying coming from outside. There's a mile in between houses where I live. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 665

You deserved it 2 607

By Phill1188 - 16/09/2018 03:30

Today, I got locked in an old woman's garage for an hour when she forgot I was looking at the car for sale. When I got home, I told my mom and jokingly said, "First time I have been kidnapped!" Without hesitation she said, "Well, that makes it the 3rd time." I had no idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 950

You deserved it 189

By bundie - 28/12/2008 07:02 - France

Today, my cat didn't quite manage to eat the whole turkey because it was frozen. He just licked it all over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 393

You deserved it 5 090

By Oihana - 01/08/2015 03:30 - United States - Greensboro

Today, at work, I saw a lady leave her infant in a display crib so she could go shopping. When I stopped her and told her she couldn't do that, she said, "Well, I do it all the time". FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 346

You deserved it 1 995

Wear your masks

By Breath of fresh air - 03/08/2020 17:01

Today, after 3 months of no Coronavirus in my state, two stupid cunts have to failed to self-isolate and restarted the lockdown. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 653

You deserved it 339

By jester777 - 22/01/2011 17:39 - United States

Today, I sneaked into my girlfriend's house for some romantic time. Before going into her room, I took a dump in the bathroom. Once I was done, I not only noticed that there was no toilet paper left, but I heard her and her 6'5, heavyweight boxer, ex-marine father, talking outside the bathroom door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 520

You deserved it 49 299

By FranticFarAwayDaughter - 16/11/2017 19:00

Today, my mother was transferred from the hospital to a long-term care facility. Nobody I talk to at the hospital knows what facility they sent her to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 649

You deserved it 204

By Anonymous - 03/02/2012 07:58 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to explain to my 18-year-old daughter why she can't pull a duck face pose for her driver's license. She still doesn't believe me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 872

You deserved it 4 334

By Anonymous - 19/08/2009 22:31 - Canada

Today, a completely drunk girl walked across the bar and punched me in the face because I was wearing the same dress as her, and her boyfriend said it looked better on me. While I was screaming at her for being a stupid bitch, she puked all over me, wiped her mouth and laughed before she passed out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 031

You deserved it 4 687

Almost right

By Anonymous - 26/05/2021 06:01

Today, I told my mom she made me feel unloved my whole life. She called my sister and apologized. FML

I agree, your life sucks 902

You deserved it 62

Halloween came early

By umm..WHAT?? - 22/10/2020 14:01 - United States - Pomona

Today, I was sleeping in my bed when I woke up in horror to see that my 34-year-old cousin, who was spending the night, was watching me sleep. Once he noticed that I was awake, he quietly left the room. I told my mom, who then told me not to tell anyone and pretend that it never happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 498

You deserved it 66

By GoDiarrhea - 04/03/2010 18:52 - Argentina

Today, I came down with sudden diarrhea while at taekwondo practice. I discreetly called my dad for a pickup, but on our way out, he told my instructor that I had to go because I was "shitting my pants with fear". He did this in front of all my classmates. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 344

You deserved it 2 823

Cats can do anything, but they have to want to

By Thankful I wear glasses - 29/06/2021 19:01 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, after encouraging my cat to try his new cat bed all day with no success, I attempted to gently place him in it. Instead, he managed to fear-spray me in the face. Like a skunk. I didn't even know cats could do that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 688

You deserved it 268

By ZAnon - 06/02/2015 07:06 - United States - Houston

Today, my 97-pound pitbull wagged and chased his tail while I was being mugged. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 612

You deserved it 3 799

By Tweenmom - 13/04/2017 16:00

Today, my tween daughter found an exciting new book series to replace her two-year obsession with Harry Potter. Hello, Team Jacob. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 679

You deserved it 532

By coward - 03/10/2015 10:13 - United Kingdom

Today, after 4 days of avoiding me and screening his calls, my 24-year-old boyfriend sent his mother to break up with me on his behalf. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 711

You deserved it 2 006

By lonerboner - 03/10/2012 13:47 - United States

Today, I went on a date to the movies with this guy I kinda like. When he was driving me home, he asked me to be his girlfriend; I said I couldn’t because it was really bad timing. He kicked me out of the car, called me an asshole, and made me walk home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 006

You deserved it 37 123

By PrincessCrippled - 18/05/2018 15:00

Today, a close friend tried to kill me by running me over with her car. Why? Because I didn't want to share the pain meds I had due to a third-degree burn. My leg is now broken in 3 places, my ankle is shattered, and I have to use a walker because I'm too clumsy for crutches. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 023

You deserved it 300

By Wow - 23/12/2018 16:00

Today, I have a job interview after months of struggling to find work. I also woke up with explosive diarrhea and can’t be away from the toilet for more than 10 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 549

You deserved it 134

By Anonymous - 14/09/2012 20:47 - New Zealand - Dunedin

Today, I learned that you can be so sleep deprived that you sleep through your alarm, a construction crew outside your house, and your bladder completely voiding itself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 048

You deserved it 2 773

By Anonymous - 12/03/2010 12:01 - United States

Today, my dog managed to get into our cabinet and eat an entire bag of hershey kisses. Now she is puking all over the house and outside too. When I called the vet to tell her about it, she said that it was normal, and to call her back when it was "coming out the other end." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 391

You deserved it 3 847

By Anonymous - 29/03/2014 03:02 - Canada - Rosthern

Today, while at work, I went to unlock the washroom for a customer. Normally we don't allow customers to use the staff washrooms, so I was as surprised as the guy I found sitting on the toilet when I opened the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 156

You deserved it 4 134

By Anonymous - 01/04/2016 01:54 - Australia - Stafford

Today, my best friend finally broke up with her knob of a boyfriend. This would be great except now my boyfriend of two years has broken up with me because she's finally single. She introduced us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 410

You deserved it 1 457

By pod - 25/06/2011 23:29 - United States

Today, my boyfriend threw me into his pool. I had my phone and iPod in my pockets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 601

You deserved it 5 393

By smurfisurfer1 - 12/12/2011 07:44 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I got into trouble with his mother for me still being at their house at 1:00 am. I'm 24, he's 22 and we really were studying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 789

You deserved it 4 908

Payday

By Jasmine - 14/07/2020 17:01

Today, I got fired during my maternity leave for requesting my unpaid wages. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 944

You deserved it 104

By katie - 25/05/2011 08:23

Today, as my girlfriend and I were making love, and she started to moan and groan. All of a sudden, she stopped and said "I'm lying, you suck at this." FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 788

You deserved it 19 100

By bballer4_life - 14/12/2016 23:22 - United States - Erie

Today, I made dozens of cookies just in time for Christmas. When I went to take out the last pan from the oven, I slipped. In a desperate attempt to catch the pan I grabbed it with my bare hand. My hand is striped like a candy cane. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 834

You deserved it 877

By m33p - 05/02/2015 20:42 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I took a nice relaxing dump at school, in my pants, in the middle of class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 796

You deserved it 8 320

By j.b. - 02/12/2009 05:57 - United States

Today, I found out that my husband thinks its okay to have an online girlfriend and have naked pictures sent to his email because he's not "physically touching, making love, or kissing". The sad part is that the online girlfriend gets more action than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 473

You deserved it 4 867

By robincakes94 - 29/11/2011 12:42 - United States

Today, I went to a nursing home to sing Christmas carols to the elderly. They threw their bananas at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 668

You deserved it 6 615

By justfired - 29/09/2009 02:57 - Canada

Today, I got fired from my job for not "interacting with customers." That's understandable. The thing is, my job didn't actually include any customer interaction. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 218

You deserved it 3 182

By Lisa - 09/11/2018 07:00 - United States - Sedalia

Today, I developed a roll of film I'd had sitting around for years. It was all images my ex had taken of him scrubbing his ass and toilet with my electric toothbrush, which I'd used for at least a month after our breakup. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 072

You deserved it 311

By FAIL - 08/09/2009 05:29 - United States

Today, I went to the emergency room. Apparently, when your ex-girlfriend hits you in the nuts with a bat, it can do some damage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 760

You deserved it 7 589

By for the whored - 18/12/2015 20:46 - United States - Corpus Christi

Today, I was listening to music on my phone and reading posts on here. I laughed hysterically at one, then noticed my parents shooting me outraged looks. Turned out I laughed while a news reporter was talking about a brutal rape that just happened in our city. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 039

You deserved it 3 204

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Top comments

dreamering 16

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Saturday 21 May 2011 5:53

Tell him: "she blows ... me"

jennifer93 0

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Saturday 21 May 2011 5:53

wow fy gf's life...what an awkward meeting the parents dinner...

laxerq18 0

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Saturday 21 May 2011 5:52

first

iimaxipad 3

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Saturday 21 May 2011 5:52

lol you wish son

Ali_Br_fml 33

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Saturday 21 May 2011 5:54

wth if wrong with op's dad? Can't he at least not try to embarrass his kid. Parents...smh

jennifer93 0

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Saturday 21 May 2011 5:55

fail

bravesfan112233 0

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Saturday 21 May 2011 6:02

why did the girl let him poke her with a fork?

spazmattic 0

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Saturday 21 May 2011 6:13

yes... you are

raven02 0

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Saturday 21 May 2011 6:44

let him get a turn at the doll dick

jennifer93 0

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Saturday 21 May 2011 5:53

wow fy gf's life...what an awkward meeting the parents dinner...

Mitcha857 0

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Saturday 21 May 2011 7:59

yea if I were OP not only would I say he needs to learn to respect women but also tell him to shut up and stop embarrassing both me and her

jeremey602 0

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Saturday 21 May 2011 10:43

shut your pale ass up

MissBrainDamage 0

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Saturday 21 May 2011 12:35

Yeah... although can I add: Hahahhahaha!!

mercuryburst 0

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Saturday 21 May 2011 12:55

"Today, I was at my boyfriends house for dinner. While we were at the dining table, his father started jabbing me in the arm with his fork. When my boyfriend asked what the hell he was doing, his father replied "Just making sure she's not a blow-up doll." FML