Today, I had my girlfriend over to meet my parents. After dinner,...

By Sprtsgeek13 - 13/9/2012 12:37 - United States - Camden

Today, I had my girlfriend over to meet my parents. After dinner, we were in the living room talking. My dad thought it would be funny to grab our cat, stick it down his shirt, then pretend to give birth to it, with sound effects. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27326

You deserved it

2512

Favorite

Miscellaneous

My body, my choice

This is fine

The road to hell…

By Notasinner - 24/5/2012 22:39 - United Kingdom - London

Today, a drunk man wearing a sandwich-board proclaiming that, "The end is nigh" threw some so-called holy water at me while bellowing, "It's what Jesus would've wanted" and that I should "repent for being an evil shite." FML

I agree, your life sucks

19761

You deserved it

2148

Favorite

By Disappointed - 19/2/2014 21:33 - United Kingdom - Brighton

Today, after 10 months of hard work, it was the opening night of the show I was directing. Everybody loved it, except my mother. She called it the worst thing she'd ever seen. Thanks for the support, mum. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39877

You deserved it

3400

Favorite

By chase - 25/1/2013 00:54 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, feeling lonely after my recent breakup, I put on my nicest clothes and went out clubbing with a few friends. I brought a guy back to my place, and we got intimate. It was going well, until he took off my push-up bra, then panicked and drunkenly asked, "Where'd they go?!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

29102

You deserved it

53024

Favorite

By Random dog owner - 28/1/2017 22:00

Today, I realized I've been hit in the balls more in the past two years than the rest of my life. Why? My dog is always happy to see me and his tail is just the right height. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6283

You deserved it

679

Favorite

By notgettingany - 24/11/2010 17:18 - United States

Today, is my daughter's first birthday. Today also marks 1 year and 9 months since I last had sex with my wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43603

You deserved it

4992

Favorite

By alli67 - 22/11/2014 03:26

Today, I went to the doctor's with my pregnant sister, only to find out she still weighs less than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31359

You deserved it

7938

Favorite

By potpurri_needed - 10/6/2009 17:37 - United States

Today, I was doing the laundry, but couldn't tell if one basket contained dirty clothes or clean clothes. I put my head down into the basket and took a whiff to check, and smelled something strong. I looked down and noticed I had shoved my nose into my mother's dirty panties and inhaled deeply. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23144

You deserved it

60787

Favorite

By Anonymous - 16/12/2010 05:49 - United States

Today, as I spent my last $6 on groceries, the woman at the register gave me a dirty look because I declined to donate $1 to a children's charity. My six year old son immediately chimed in with, "Mommy, why aren't you helping the poor children?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

42935

You deserved it

5549

Favorite

By Anonymous - 12/2/2012 04:52 - United States

Today, I was giving my boyfriend head. Soon, I noticed he was being very quiet. When I looked up, he was in a deep sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32015

You deserved it

8420

Favorite

By mikeissad - 11/8/2012 19:37 - United States - Port Saint Lucie

Today, at work, I was forced to nod and smile as a pregnant, fifteen-year-old, brain-dead Jersey Shore wannabe cussed me out for being rude by using words from a "foreign language" during our conversation. I used the word "pretentious." FML

I agree, your life sucks

39168

You deserved it

2459

Favorite

By Anon - 15/3/2016 06:52 - United States - Pasco

Today, my boyfriend and I were reminiscing and sharing funny stories of when we were little. It was then that he told me he used to be flexible enough to suck his own weiner. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21716

You deserved it

3013

Favorite

By KO - 30/4/2014 04:20 - United States

Today, I was changing the garbage at a local fast food place where I work. Being a rather short guy, I had to lean back and fling the full, heavy bag at the top. I did so with such force that my head hit the dumpster, knocking me out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39443

You deserved it

5092

Favorite

By disappointed - 20/9/2013 16:30 - Canada - Waterloo

Today, I walked in on my daughter shaving the testicles of her boyfriend, who had apparently snuck in through her window. FML

I agree, your life sucks

59835

You deserved it

6075

Favorite

By hackling fellow - 10/3/2011 13:17

Today, I was painting my mom's house, which so far had taken 12 hours over two days. All of a sudden there was a wind storm. All of the leaves stuck to the wet paint. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36817

You deserved it

4149

Favorite

By squad - 19/12/2019 14:00 - United States - Washington

My first time

Today, I lost my virginity with my boyfriend. As he was about to cum, I moaned his brother's name. I've never even met his brother and now I'm single. FML

I agree, your life sucks

810

You deserved it

2775

Favorite

By Anonymous - 18/1/2011 18:35 - United States

Today, my extremely lazy roommate is in bed with the flu. Instead of getting up to get water, he's run the garden hose through his window, and instead of going to the bathroom, he's connected a siphon to his penis and run it to a 5-gallon bucket. I have to live with this idiot. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36456

You deserved it

5144

Favorite

By aarong - 10/2/2014 06:42 - United States - Tampa

Spotified

Today, I found my daughter's "sex songs" playlist. I was more disappointed by her poor taste in music than the fact that she is already sexually active. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46365

You deserved it

7940

Favorite

By Anonymous - 29/3/2009 05:04 - United States

Today, I saw a spider in my bathtub, so instead of killing it, i decided to bring my dog inside the bathroom to kill the spider for me. Turns out that the spider was a black widow, and my dog was bit. The dog killed the spider. The spider killed my dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks

90003

You deserved it

185149

Favorite

By Anonymous - 29/12/2011 22:06 - United States

Today, I found out my girlfriend starts fights with me over text because apparently, when I'm arguing with someone, I stop speaking in "annoying shorthand" and am grammatically correct. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11135

You deserved it

38596

Favorite

By ASMR - 26/5/2019 15:00

Today, I woke up with laryngitis. I just got hired as a waitress. Tomorrow is opening day, the restaurant plays loud music and I can't speak any louder than a whisper. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1899

You deserved it

114

Favorite

By Anonymous - 15/12/2009 18:18 - United States

Today, I learned that my building never received my rent check. Now not only do I have to pay a $40 late fee, but also a $40 fee to stop the payment of the check that went god knows where. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28273

You deserved it

3127

Favorite

By elliekilroy - 11/12/2010 00:12 - United Kingdom

Today, I picked up my friend's new kitten so enthusiastically I scared it and it shat all over me. I literally scared the shit out of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15129

You deserved it

29018

Favorite

By ajodasdojsad - 21/3/2015 15:12 - United Kingdom - Ewell

Today, I was playing charades with my boyfriend and family. The answer was "Beckoning" so I acted it out with a "come here" gesture. He looked confused for a second, then blurted out "Fingering?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

31888

You deserved it

3879

Favorite

By Oh_baby - 10/6/2009 17:35 - United States

Today, I checked facebook, only to find out that my close cousin is now married. When I looked at the pictures, I saw that my whole family was there - including my sister, mother and father. I was the only one who wasn't invited. FML

I agree, your life sucks

69921

You deserved it

4412

Favorite

By Anonymous - 25/8/2019 04:04

Today, while at work, I was trying to locate the source of the really bad BO wafting around, when I realized I'd forgotten to put on deodorant this morning. I have 5 hours of shame left to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1224

You deserved it

790

Favorite

By schellbytheseashore - 21/2/2009 07:30 - United States

Today, during a text conversation with a girl I've been trying to get with, she complained about how crummy of a day she was having. I told her it couldn't be as bad as she thought, and she would probably get it over it soon. Then she told me she had found out her cousin had been murdered. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51074

You deserved it

13294

Favorite

By lessimportantthanatable - 15/11/2017 12:00 - United States - Northfield

Today, I learned that the new granite countertop in my parents' house cost $12,000. Coincidentally, this is also the amount of money I would have needed to go to the college of my dreams instead of the cheaper school I currently attend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4629

You deserved it

936

Favorite

By cmendez - 26/2/2010 05:02 - United States

Today, my mother who is 75 years old just told me and my sister that we are adopted. I'm 45 years old and my sister is 49. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32745

You deserved it

2287

Favorite

By oouchh - 24/7/2011 12:22 - United Kingdom

Today, I bumped into my ex-boyfriend I still love, and his new girlfriend, who he cheated on me with. Embarrassingly, she was wearing the same top as me. However hers was in size 6, unlike my 16. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51331

You deserved it

18719

Favorite

By Anonymous - 16/12/2012 00:03 - Germany - Mannheim

Today, my car is still in the shop, so I asked my psycho brother to drive me to the mall. He sped up to nearly 20km over the speed limit, so I shouted for him to stop before he got us both killed. He hit the brakes in the middle of an intersection, and wouldn't move again until I got out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27172

You deserved it

8129

Favorite

By anonymous - 13/7/2015 09:45 - China - Shanghai

Today, I was yelled at by a bunch of angry people because I couldn't physically move out of the way while 10 more tried to force their way onto a subway in Shanghai. Then one old lady started hitting me with her purse to get me to move even more. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24829

You deserved it

2045

Favorite

By Anonymous - 15/2/2014 23:14 - Australia - Fitzroy

Today, I proudly informed my grandma that I now have a girlfriend. My grandpa overheard and said how surprising that was, given how expensive blowup dolls are. He and my grandma then both laughed out loud. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49113

You deserved it

6209

Favorite

By Anonymous - 30/4/2009 14:51 - United States

Today, I found out my best friend had 3 birthday parties for herself over the weekend. I wasn't invited to any of them. When I asked her why, she said I "didn't fit in" to any of the groups that were at the parties. All my other friends were invited. FML

I agree, your life sucks

58980

You deserved it

4048

Favorite

By SingleSara. - 2/3/2010 06:07 - Canada

Today, I found out my sister has a new boyfriend. That would have been helpful to know 3 hours ago before I told her boyfriend, who is also my best friend, that I loved him. His response? "HAHAHA! Good one! Oh Seriously? Shit." FML

I agree, your life sucks

35897

You deserved it

3399

Favorite

By imfullthanks - 14/3/2009 23:06 - Norway

Today, my mother had to take a stool sample because she has been ill for several days. Curious, I eventually had to ask, "how did you intercept the poo before it got submerged in water?". She yelled from the other room, "you know that little plate with the red stripe". I was eating off of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

88477

You deserved it

7629

Favorite

By loner - 12/2/2011 00:08 - United States

Today, in an effort to make new friends in my history class, I sat in the empty seat next to a friendly-looking guy. He got up, walked away, and sat down in a different seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36536

You deserved it

4176

Favorite

By Anonymous - 24/1/2016 15:54 - United States - Niles

Today, somebody kicked the crap out of my car and spray painted "CHEATER" on the sides. I've never even had a girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26380

You deserved it

1497

Favorite

By Username - 13/5/2011 08:13

Today, I was driving along when the car in front of me ran over an animal. I only realised this when a chunk of flesh and blood landed on my windscreen. I put my wipers on to get rid of it but instead it got stuck underneath the wipers and smeared all over the screen. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34744

You deserved it

6692

Favorite

By Anonymous - 29/10/2012 10:32 - United States - Levelland

Today, after I gave birth to our first child, my husband looked at the doctor and seriously asked, "When do you circumcise the baby?" We had a baby girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28673

You deserved it

2688

Favorite

By Public Indecency - 28/6/2019 20:23

Today, after some cajoling, I finally posed naked for my long-term partner and his Polaroid camera. After saying he would cherish the intimate snapshots forever, he almost immediately forgot them on a crowded bus. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1628

You deserved it

481

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By Comet_Candy | 23

#4928527 - Thursday 13 September 2012 18:50

Your father sounds like an absolute riot!

By SweetAsHell | 9

#4928525 - Thursday 13 September 2012 18:49

I don't think she's going to want to continue your family line anytime soon, OP.

COMMENTS

By SweetAsHell | 9

#4928525 - Thursday 13 September 2012 18:49

I don't think she's going to want to continue your family line anytime soon, OP.

TheTwistedOtaku | 16

#4928610 - Thursday 13 September 2012 19:06

Atleast he has a sense of humor, I'd love to have a dad like OP's.

PeachesnCream88 | 0

#4928642 - Thursday 13 September 2012 19:14

He sounds cool .. I mean imagine if it was your friend.. I bet you'd laugh :D

LMFAOwned | 9

#4928653 - Thursday 13 September 2012 19:16

Nothing is wrong with your father. Ask your girlfriend next time, "why so serious?"

LolFMLnot | 10

#4929134 - Thursday 13 September 2012 23:35

Aha your father sounds like a fun guy. I'd laugh if I were your girlfriend. I mean it's always good to have a funny guy in the family right?

tjv3 | 10

#4929322 - Friday 14 September 2012 1:46

This made me laugh out loud thanks OP

PinkieKeen | 20

#4965857 - Monday 24 September 2012 5:38

If I was OP's girlfriend I would laugh my ass off.

By Comet_Candy | 23

#4928527 - Thursday 13 September 2012 18:50

Your father sounds like an absolute riot!

onlychildFTW | 33

#4928638 - Thursday 13 September 2012 19:13

He sounds annoying and very strange. If OP and her get married I wonder what the father will do b

redmane | 21

#4928778 - Thursday 13 September 2012 20:08

onlychildFTW sounds annoying and very strange.

305Miami | 0

#4928832 - Thursday 13 September 2012 20:27

Yeah agreed^^^

SenselessPattern | 12

#4928920 - Thursday 13 September 2012 21:13

Who was the lucky midwife?

ThisIsHard | 5

#4929149 - Thursday 13 September 2012 23:47

If he's like this now,
Imagine what he's like when drunk.

onlychildFTW | 33

#4930980 - Friday 14 September 2012 8:55

Idiot.

You'll have to guess who that's directed to. Don't get it wrong.

redmane | 21

#4932671 - Friday 14 September 2012 19:34

Was it to 17? I bet it was a response to 17.

By blondie1208 | 17

#4928531 - Thursday 13 September 2012 18:50

Good way to break the ice...

LO388 | 7

#4928901 - Thursday 13 September 2012 20:57

And he was right, that is pretty funny.

momolee | 4

#4930828 - Friday 14 September 2012 6:59

He just wanted to remind them what happens if they don't use protection.

Good_luck_Ryan | 2

#4937430 - Sunday 16 September 2012 8:50

I know haha.

By SqueakyChipmunk | 20

#4928537 - Thursday 13 September 2012 18:50

Did he claw his way out?
You can't have a birth without bloodshed.
At least he didn't shove him down his pants.
Ouch.

swankmrpancake | 8

#4928613 - Thursday 13 September 2012 19:06

It would have been even worse if he put it in the back of his pants and pretended it was a poop

SqueakyChipmunk | 20

#4928624 - Thursday 13 September 2012 19:09

Say goodbye to your asshole.

Sandman366 | 6

#4928793 - Thursday 13 September 2012 20:16

I'd expect enough blood for four births. My cats would claw me to shreds if I tried even putting them down my shirt. (They don't even care for being picked up, they might tear your face off for just that.)

swankmrpancake | 8

#4928923 - Thursday 13 September 2012 21:14

Ever have trouble with constipation well say good bye to ever having that problem again all you have to do it put a cat down the back of your pants and let it go crazy down there.