Today, I had my girlfriend over to meet my parents. After dinner,...

By Sprtsgeek13 - 13/9/2012 12:37 - United States - Camden

Today, I had my girlfriend over to meet my parents. After dinner, we were in the living room talking. My dad thought it would be funny to grab our cat, stick it down his shirt, then pretend to give birth to it, with sound effects. FML

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Miscellaneous

Does it taste good?

Nice neighborhood

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

By HereWeGoAgain - 22/9/2017 13:00

Romance in Appalachia

Today, my mother beamingly asked for my opinion on her wedding dress. She is engaged to her cousin. Conveniently, they already have the same last name. FML

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By Ugh - 16/2/2009 05:45 - United States

Today, I submitted my picture to a rating website. It was rejected because I didn't clarify which person I was. The picture was of my dog and me. FML

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By RosaP - 28/2/2009 06:40 - Canada

Today, I slept over at a friend's house. We decided to dress up as ninjas and play a trick on her younger brothers, sleeping in the basement. While sneaking down the stairs, in the dark, her mother came home. Thinking I was a robber, she beat me with a lamp. FML

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By ILoveLamps - 25/3/2015 06:26 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I found out that my friend's family has been using red paper to help his little brother with his potty training. "Aim for the red!" they would say to him. I guess today was a bad day to wear red pants. FML

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By Chaznuts - 8/9/2009 06:22 - Australia

Today, I went on a blind double date. My date was drunk before I got there. He kept getting my name wrong, and ended up spilling a glass of red wine down the front of my dress. FML

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By australian6196 - 5/2/2014 02:36 - Australia - Sydney

Today, while on a road trip through Australia with my dad, we were both complaining that we had yet to see any kangaroos. Suddenly, we saw one up real close. The rental car saw it even closer. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/9/2019 02:01

Thanks, but no thanks

Today, I got fired from the community service I was doing out of kindness. FML

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By malnourishedstudent - 8/6/2016 08:38 - United States - Palm Coast

Today, after months of living on five dollars a day for food in college, I found out my parents bought me an expensive meal plan and forgot to mention it. FML

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By Nickolas Neffster - 5/10/2011 00:14 - United States

Today, I bought my girlfriend a very expensive necklace. I gave it to her thinking she'd be extremely happy. Instead she was mad at me because my gift for our anniversary was better than hers. FML

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By SJDAOisdjlkSADlksda - 2/7/2016 02:37 - United States

Today, I witnessed my sister use some ice cubes on her blistered toes, then quietly return them to the tray in the fridge. I've been putting ice from there into my drinks for weeks. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2013 20:30

Today, I waited in the pouring rain for my wife to come pick me up from work. It was only after I was thoroughly drenched that I remembered it was my wife's day off, and that I drove myself to work earlier in her car, which was parked fifty feet from where I was waiting. FML

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By Nile - 8/12/2015 17:21 - Netherlands - Amsterdam

Today, I asked my girlfriend to marry me. She said no because she doesn't want to be tied down for the rest of her life. We already have 3 children, a mortgage, and joint bank accounts. How much more tied down could we possibly get? FML

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By lectro - 24/11/2008 06:08 - France

Today, I learnt that the girl with who I've being going out for 6 months, has been sleeping with every guy around except one. Guess who? FML

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By Anonymous - 16/5/2011 22:15 - United States

Today, my boyfriend dumped me. He said he would have done it two weeks ago but he needed someone to drive him around while his car was getting repaired. FML

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By anonymous - 22/11/2009 20:23 - United States

Today, I got a text from a woman containing many naked pictures of her. Apparently she meant to send those to her boyfriend whose number is one digit from mine. The bad part? My girlfriend was using my phone when I received that message. FML

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By Chesty Larue - 7/8/2015 00:29 - United States

Today, I got fired from my part-time job, because I insisted on keeping my phone in my pocket and never using it, instead of putting it in locker without a lock or security camera, that anyone can go through. The manager found out by searching my locker for the past 3 weeks. Ironic. FML

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By nolongerengaged - 3/2/2009 17:08 - United States

Today, my fiance told me that he no longer loves me, that he still has feelings for an ex. The wedding is off and he needs the ring back to give to the right woman. FML

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By Better not - 24/1/2018 20:00 - United States - Kenai

Today, while on vacation with my boyfriend, I decided it would be a good time to try getting intimate with him for the first time. It turns out his penis is so small that I get more enjoyment from a tampon applicator. We're stuck in this cabin for another 5 days. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/4/2013 16:34 - Thailand

Today, I can no longer leave my son at daycare, because at the age of 5, he's started manipulating the girls there into fighting over him. A kid lost a baby tooth in one such brawl. FML

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By lovelychris - 16/12/2012 19:15 - Brazil - S?o Paulo

Today, my "friends" set me up on a blind date with a guy who according to their description, sounded perfect in just about every way. He turned out to be my obsessive ex, and this is their idea of a funny prank. FML

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By blasted - 25/11/2009 13:56 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of almost a year, and to whom I intended to propose on Thanksgiving, dumped me because her husband will be returning from Iraq soon. And he wants to have a "talk" with me. I didn't know she was married. FML

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By - Moved Across the Country - 6/8/2011 06:05 - United States

Today, I found out my ex is applying for a job at my current company. She may be my boss. FML

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By Ryan - 20/12/2011 17:57 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting hot and heavy. She had her shirt off, and commented on the small size of her breasts. Trying to make her feel better, I said I dated smaller breasts. She replied by saying she'd dated bigger penises. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/4/2017 08:00 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I overheard my parents arguing over who had to tell me that I'm adopted. FML

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By ufhdafuhds - 19/3/2009 23:31 - Egypt

Today, I decided to have sex for the first time with my boyfriend. It was his first time too. While in bed, he blankly stopped and stood up and got out a piece of paper from his pockets. Turns out, he had written instructions on what to do while in bed, and forgot what he had to do next. FML

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By ToiletTroubles - 3/7/2013 16:19 - United Kingdom

Today, I was taking some clothes downstairs to wash, when my mum stopped me. She accused me of sleeping around and trying to hide something, since she did the washing yesterday. She made me admit in front of the whole family that I'd been "surprised" by a case of diarrhea. FML

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By Sharon - 10/12/2016 13:51 - United Kingdom - Heckmondwike

Today, my own dog bit me quite severely when I was in the middle of teaching a dog obedience class. Everyone had a good laugh at me and in the past few hours 4 of them have contacted me to let me know they won't be attending future lessons and that they'd like to get their money back. FML

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By -- - 15/10/2011 23:40 - Canada

Today, I was kicked out of the mall along with a bunch of my friends, sworn at by the security guards, and personally escorted all the way to the sidewalk, only to find out we'd been mistaken for another group of people. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/7/2013 01:03 - United States - La Grande

Today, I had to break up a fist fight between two female residents. I work in a retirement home. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/3/2010 19:01 - United States

Today, I visited my family for spring break because I've been away at college and I haven't seen them since Christmas. Almost as soon as I walked in the door, my mom had me clean the living room area, clean up cat vomit, and do the dishes. Thanks guys... I missed you too. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/9/2009 12:54 - United States

Today, I received an envelope from verizon. I assumed it was my bill. I opened it and saw a visa credit card offer so I quickly snapped it in half to prevent identity theft. Only after playing with the pieces for 10 minutes did I realize that it was my $100 rebate from my new phone. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/1/2011 17:36 - United States

Today, it was my first day back to school after break. I wasn't feeling well, but I decided to go anyway. I threw up in the hallway and shit myself at the same time. I waited in the office for my dad to come and get me for almost an hour while wearing dirty underwear. FML

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By SG - 24/3/2012 12:14 - United States

Today, I was fooling around with my husband on the bed. I was excited as he lifted my arms up in a seductive way, only to roll deodorant under my armpits. FML

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By notthesame - 18/8/2016 04:45 - United States - San Antonio

Today, my overprotective dad bolted all of my windows shut so that I don't turn out like my sister and sneak out or sneak boys in. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/6/2016 16:21 - India

Today, a few weeks after moving back to my home country, I found out my diploma isn't recognized here. The only training provider I can find that can upgrade it to something valid wants another 2 years of my life, 500 hours of work experience and $16,000. FML

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By scared - 2/10/2011 21:21 - United States

Today, I went on a date at a restaurant with a guy. When he promised I wouldn't have to pay the bill, I didn't think he meant we'd be dining and dashing. FML

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By Brad - 7/9/2018 18:30

Today, I was on a 3-way call with my wife and the bank. The bank said we didn't qualify for school loans, which means I have to drop out. As soon as the bank hung up, my wife stayed on the line to tell me she wants a divorce and that she regrets our marriage. FML

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By monquiqui - 4/7/2011 05:45 - United States

Today, I had to drive my drunk parents home from a party. They leaned out the window and barked at everyone we passed all the way home. FML

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By VerbalDiarrhea - 8/1/2012 07:34 - United States

Today, after 3 hours in a cramped car with my family, we stopped at a gas station. I got out of the car and the first words out of my mouth were, "It feels so good to be able to walk!" That's when I noticed the elderly man sitting in a wheelchair only a few meters away. FML

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By Loki16 - 2/6/2016 08:40 - United States - New York

Today, my girlfriend helped me apply liquid bandaid over an open wound. Unfortunately, she grabbed the liquid wart remover instead. FML

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Top comments

By Comet_Candy | 23

#4928527 - Thursday 13 September 2012 18:50

Your father sounds like an absolute riot!

By SweetAsHell | 9

#4928525 - Thursday 13 September 2012 18:49

I don't think she's going to want to continue your family line anytime soon, OP.

Comments

By SweetAsHell | 9

#4928525 - Thursday 13 September 2012 18:49

I don't think she's going to want to continue your family line anytime soon, OP.

TheTwistedOtaku | 16

#4928610 - Thursday 13 September 2012 19:06

Atleast he has a sense of humor, I'd love to have a dad like OP's.

PeachesnCream88 | 0

#4928642 - Thursday 13 September 2012 19:14

He sounds cool .. I mean imagine if it was your friend.. I bet you'd laugh :D

LMFAOwned | 9

#4928653 - Thursday 13 September 2012 19:16

Nothing is wrong with your father. Ask your girlfriend next time, "why so serious?"

LolFMLnot | 10

#4929134 - Thursday 13 September 2012 23:35

Aha your father sounds like a fun guy. I'd laugh if I were your girlfriend. I mean it's always good to have a funny guy in the family right?

tjv3 | 10

#4929322 - Friday 14 September 2012 1:46

This made me laugh out loud thanks OP

PinkieKeen | 20

#4965857 - Monday 24 September 2012 5:38

If I was OP's girlfriend I would laugh my ass off.

By Comet_Candy | 23

#4928527 - Thursday 13 September 2012 18:50

Your father sounds like an absolute riot!

onlychildFTW | 33

#4928638 - Thursday 13 September 2012 19:13

He sounds annoying and very strange. If OP and her get married I wonder what the father will do b

redmane | 21

#4928778 - Thursday 13 September 2012 20:08

onlychildFTW sounds annoying and very strange.

305Miami | 0

#4928832 - Thursday 13 September 2012 20:27

Yeah agreed^^^

SenselessPattern | 12

#4928920 - Thursday 13 September 2012 21:13

Who was the lucky midwife?

ThisIsHard | 5

#4929149 - Thursday 13 September 2012 23:47

If he's like this now,
Imagine what he's like when drunk.

onlychildFTW | 33

#4930980 - Friday 14 September 2012 8:55

Idiot.

You'll have to guess who that's directed to. Don't get it wrong.

redmane | 21

#4932671 - Friday 14 September 2012 19:34

Was it to 17? I bet it was a response to 17.

By blondie1208 | 17

#4928531 - Thursday 13 September 2012 18:50

Good way to break the ice...

LO388 | 7

#4928901 - Thursday 13 September 2012 20:57

And he was right, that is pretty funny.

momolee | 4

#4930828 - Friday 14 September 2012 6:59

He just wanted to remind them what happens if they don't use protection.

Good_luck_Ryan | 2

#4937430 - Sunday 16 September 2012 8:50

I know haha.

By SqueakyChipmunk | 20

#4928537 - Thursday 13 September 2012 18:50

Did he claw his way out?
You can't have a birth without bloodshed.
At least he didn't shove him down his pants.
Ouch.

swankmrpancake | 8

#4928613 - Thursday 13 September 2012 19:06

It would have been even worse if he put it in the back of his pants and pretended it was a poop

SqueakyChipmunk | 20

#4928624 - Thursday 13 September 2012 19:09

Say goodbye to your asshole.

Sandman366 | 6

#4928793 - Thursday 13 September 2012 20:16

I'd expect enough blood for four births. My cats would claw me to shreds if I tried even putting them down my shirt. (They don't even care for being picked up, they might tear your face off for just that.)

swankmrpancake | 8

#4928923 - Thursday 13 September 2012 21:14

Ever have trouble with constipation well say good bye to ever having that problem again all you have to do it put a cat down the back of your pants and let it go crazy down there.