Miscellaneous: Today, I had my girlfriend over to meet my parents. After dinner,...

By Sprtsgeek13 - United States - Camden

Today, I had my girlfriend over to meet my parents. After dinner, we were in the living room talking. My dad thought it would be funny to grab our cat, stick it down his shirt, then pretend to give birth to it, with sound effects. FML

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Miscellaneous

Family values

Stir crazy, part 16

Dodged a bullet

By FamilyLoving - United States - Patchogue

Today, I was out jogging. As I took a rest to have a drink of water, a car pulled onto the sidewalk and bumped into me. Not just any car; my dad's car. He then drove away. FML

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By deucelututi - United States

Today, while shopping in the FML store I bought the "Retro Sport Tee," I didn't notice you are supposed to put your own "FML" on the shirt. Mine says "Today, Your Text Here. FML." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend said that to be extra careful he's been taking my birth control pills too. FML

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By Eww - United States - Salem

Today, a girl puked on me. No warnings, nothing. She just threw up on me, then walked off like nothing even happened. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that I have testicular cancer for the second time in two years, and they may end up removing my last testicle. Knowing full well I was also born with an extra rib, the doctor at the consultation joked, "Hey, you'll be three quarters of the way to being a woman." FML

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By Dope - United States

Today, I tried to sell 2,000 options contracts, but I bought them instead, resulting in a big loss. FML

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By #isthisthepoundkey? - United States - Deltona

Today, while working customer service, I instructed a customer to press the pound key on her cellphone. She hesitated a moment before asking, "Um, the pound key? You mean the hashtag, right?" FML

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By hickhick

Today, I went to the doctor's office for a regular check up. They found "odd red marks" on the inside of my thighs. They started to think it might be a skin disease, so I had to explain to my mother and the doctor that it was hickeys from my boyfriend. FML

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By reese - 11/6/2020 05:03

The arrogance of youth

Today, as always, I had to have my dad help me with my computer issues. Isn’t it supposed to be the other way around? FML

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By ishoweredincorpsewater

Today, our hot water tank got replaced because all our hot water had been smelling old and musty for a month now. There was a dead seagull in the tank. FML

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By MedChew - Malaysia - Kuala Lumpur

Today, I dropped my phone between my legs and tried to catch it with my thighs. Instead, the phone fell through just as I crushed my own balls with my legs. FML

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By Hairylass - United States

Today, I realized that I have an odd habit of plucking the tiny white hairs on my upper lip when I am overly stressed. But only the right side. I noticed when examining my face and seeing they'd all come back black. I've got half a mustache. I'm female. FML

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By misstree - Singapore

Today, I got annoyed with my mum stopping in her tracks each time she needed to reply to a text message. I tried to show her that you can walk and text at the same time. I ended up falling into a drain. FML

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By douglas - United States

Today, I surprised my four year old daughter with a stuffed dinosaur. She named it 'Horny.' FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was the last person in line for going on the bus. Incidentally, I was right behind a guy way taller and wider than me. When he got on the bus, the bus driver immediately shut the door behind him. I was left outside chasing after the bus. FML

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By nuberific - Canada

Today, I was in the change room at the local YMCA. I went to use the hair dryer but couldn't because a naked old man was bent over, butt cheeks spread wide with his hands, and ass aimed at the dryer. He seemed to be enjoying it. FML

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By middleagednurse - United States - Miami

Today, my husband bought me XL pajamas for my birthday. I got really angry, telling him that's obviously not my size. I tried them on just to show him how ridiculous they look. They fit. FML

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By This_girll - United States - Ridgewood

Classy guy.

Today, my boyfriend of a year went to a wedding. He didn't invite me, he took his ex instead. I saw it all on Instagram. FML

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By Mee - United States

Nice timing

Today, my family and I argued whether getting a period or boner in the middle of class was worse. At the dinner table. FML

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By notinflammable - United States

Today, my friend told me that semen was inflammable. Later at night I jacked off into a sock and then, excitedly, tried to lit the sock on fire. Turns out, semen is very much not inflammable. Naked, I shook my sock in the air so it would extinguish while my semen splashed out all over my room. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while walking in the mall, I spotted my ex boyfriend with his friends. To make myself look less lonely, I put my iPhone up to my ear and started an imaginary conversation with my invisible boyfriend. As I passed him, my phone started ringing loudly. It was him calling. He knew I was faking. FML

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By toomuchmetal - United States

Today, I was in line at a checkout. I have quite a few facial piercings and 1/2" gauges in my ears. The very heavy cashier asks how big my gauges are and then starts telling me about how she recently got her clitoris pierced and how sometimes she has orgasms behind the register. FML

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By Garry the Gluten-Free Pizza - United States

Today, I was carjacked. As he shoved me away from my car, I got hit by another car. He and the other car both drove off. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a little girl came up to me and said "Hi, my name is Lindsey, lets be friends!". I thought she was cute so I played along and said "Okay! My name is Jen!" Her Reply: "Wait, nevermind, I don't want to be friends anymore. You smell funny." FML

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By Kasey Eames - United States - Oceanside

Today, I told my husband to tell me his wildest fantasy. He told me it was to put on fake antlers and "do it like deer". FML

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By Anonymous - 29/7/2020 08:00

Reading comprehension

Today, one of my clients called me, saying that he received my email. When I asked what I could do for him, he replied, “Well, what does the email say?” FML

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By Boyufd - 30/7/2020 23:01

The Dark Knight

Today, I noticed my acne scars are almost forming the Batman symbol. FML

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By wellfuckyoutoo - United States - Philadelphia

Today, a close friend came over with her three-year-old son. The child used a crayon on the walls, flushed my money down the toilet, and threw up. My friend was seriously offended when I asked her to help me clean everything up. FML

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By woof woof?? - Canada - Sherwood Park

Today, I was making love to my boyfriend, when he discovered that if he hits a certain area just right, my leg starts shaking like a dog. Now he won't stop patting my head and saying, "Who's a good girl?!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I found out I'm allergic to mosquito repellent. I fly out on a two month trip to India on Saturday. FML

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By ummno - United States

Today, I was awakened in the middle of the night by a frantic banging on my front door. It was a guy whom I'd only been dating a few weeks, with a suitcase. He stated that his wife kicked him out for having an affair, and thought now would be a good time to move in together. FML

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By hold your horses pony boy - United States

Today, I took my car into a car wash. I guess it was a bad idea to do it with my dog in the car, because he freaked out, started scrambling around, and ended up pissing on everything, me included. FML

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By phone-less - United States - East Peoria

Today, I was at an amusement park with friends. We wanted to get a picture of all four of us, so we asked a nice-looking man to take it for us on my brand-new iPhone 6s. He took something. Unfortunately, it wasn't a picture. FML

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By Anonymous

The Girl Can't Help It

Today, I got fired from my job for having a resting bitch face when I get frustrated or when I'm concentrating on my work. According to them, I have to work on my "anger issues." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up to a text from my boyfriend that said "Dude, I think she knows I'm going to break up with her." FML

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By jonjon - United States

Today, after spending the evening with friends, I went home and realized that the living room light was on. Thinking someone was robbing me, I hid behind a bush. I got impatient and crept up to the door. Then I remembered that I'd left the light on before I left. FML

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By ugh - United States

Today, I got home early from work. When I got home I got to see my dad chasing my mom around the house, naked. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, the first thing my fiancé did when he walked in the door was to loudly announce all the hot kinky stuff he was about to do to me on the kitchen table. Unfortunately for him my dad, mother and both my brothers had just dropped in for a visit and heard every word he said. FML

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By Oh... - Australia

Today, my grandma drove me home from school early because I was sick. I went upstairs and heard my parents having sex. Embarrassed, I ran downstairs and was about to leave the house when I saw a car pull into the driveway. It was my dad. FML

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By Juicy12Jham - United States

Today, I was on the phone with Microsoft Customer Service for about a total of 2 hours. That's the longest I've ever talked to anybody. FML

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Top comments

By Comet_Candy | 23

#4928527 - Thursday 13 September 2012 18:50

Your father sounds like an absolute riot!

By SweetAsHell | 9

#4928525 - Thursday 13 September 2012 18:49

I don't think she's going to want to continue your family line anytime soon, OP.

COMMENTS

By SweetAsHell | 9

#4928525 - Thursday 13 September 2012 18:49

I don't think she's going to want to continue your family line anytime soon, OP.

TheTwistedOtaku | 16

#4928610 - Thursday 13 September 2012 19:06

Atleast he has a sense of humor, I'd love to have a dad like OP's.

PeachesnCream88 | 0

#4928642 - Thursday 13 September 2012 19:14

He sounds cool .. I mean imagine if it was your friend.. I bet you'd laugh :D

LMFAOwned | 9

#4928653 - Thursday 13 September 2012 19:16

Nothing is wrong with your father. Ask your girlfriend next time, "why so serious?"

LolFMLnot | 10

#4929134 - Thursday 13 September 2012 23:35

Aha your father sounds like a fun guy. I'd laugh if I were your girlfriend. I mean it's always good to have a funny guy in the family right?

tjv3 | 10

#4929322 - Friday 14 September 2012 1:46

This made me laugh out loud thanks OP

PinkieKeen | 20

#4965857 - Monday 24 September 2012 5:38

If I was OP's girlfriend I would laugh my ass off.

By Comet_Candy | 23

#4928527 - Thursday 13 September 2012 18:50

Your father sounds like an absolute riot!

onlychildFTW | 33

#4928638 - Thursday 13 September 2012 19:13

He sounds annoying and very strange. If OP and her get married I wonder what the father will do b

redmane | 21

#4928778 - Thursday 13 September 2012 20:08

onlychildFTW sounds annoying and very strange.

305Miami | 0

#4928832 - Thursday 13 September 2012 20:27

Yeah agreed^^^

SenselessPattern | 12

#4928920 - Thursday 13 September 2012 21:13

Who was the lucky midwife?

ThisIsHard | 5

#4929149 - Thursday 13 September 2012 23:47

If he's like this now,
Imagine what he's like when drunk.

onlychildFTW | 33

#4930980 - Friday 14 September 2012 8:55

Idiot.

You'll have to guess who that's directed to. Don't get it wrong.

redmane | 21

#4932671 - Friday 14 September 2012 19:34

Was it to 17? I bet it was a response to 17.

By blondie1208 | 17

#4928531 - Thursday 13 September 2012 18:50

Good way to break the ice...

LO388 | 7

#4928901 - Thursday 13 September 2012 20:57

And he was right, that is pretty funny.

momolee | 4

#4930828 - Friday 14 September 2012 6:59

He just wanted to remind them what happens if they don't use protection.

Good_luck_Ryan | 2

#4937430 - Sunday 16 September 2012 8:50

I know haha.

By SqueakyChipmunk | 20

#4928537 - Thursday 13 September 2012 18:50

Did he claw his way out?
You can't have a birth without bloodshed.
At least he didn't shove him down his pants.
Ouch.

swankmrpancake | 8

#4928613 - Thursday 13 September 2012 19:06

It would have been even worse if he put it in the back of his pants and pretended it was a poop

SqueakyChipmunk | 20

#4928624 - Thursday 13 September 2012 19:09

Say goodbye to your asshole.

Sandman366 | 6

#4928793 - Thursday 13 September 2012 20:16

I'd expect enough blood for four births. My cats would claw me to shreds if I tried even putting them down my shirt. (They don't even care for being picked up, they might tear your face off for just that.)

swankmrpancake | 8

#4928923 - Thursday 13 September 2012 21:14

Ever have trouble with constipation well say good bye to ever having that problem again all you have to do it put a cat down the back of your pants and let it go crazy down there.