Miscellaneous: Today, I had my girlfriend over to meet my parents. After dinner,...

By Sprtsgeek13 - United States - Camden

Today, I had my girlfriend over to meet my parents. After dinner, we were in the living room talking. My dad thought it would be funny to grab our cat, stick it down his shirt, then pretend to give birth to it, with sound effects. FML

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Miscellaneous

Understandable

Proactive

Tidy your room

By Anonymous - United States - Evansville

Today, I met my husband's family for the first time. My nightmare versions were better. FML

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By KatieB - United Kingdom - Newark

Today, my boyfriend was over. I asked my dad how long until dinner was ready, his reply was, "Five minutes, so no, you can't go upstairs for a quickie". FML

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By boo - United States

Today, I learned the reason they say don't keep your phone in high humidity places. I left my phone on the counter when I went to take a shower. It now won't turn on due to water damage and the warranty doesn't cover it. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Romford

Today, I found out that, although I have the same job title and complete the same work as my male colleagues, I get paid 15% less, purely because I'm a girl. FML

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By Ouchmybum

Today, whilst out on a walk with the dogs, I decided to explore a different part of the woods. Suddenly I felt a sharp pain in my bum. Then another. And another. I realised it was wasps and ran. I've been stung 11 times and have to go back tomorrow for the coat I dropped. FML

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By emptypockets - 28/6/2020 17:00

Rich people problems

Today, after spending thousands of dollars on remodelling and painting our house, making it exactly how we wanted it, my husband's grandma passed away, leaving us her house. I’m debating on ripping everything out and taking it to the new house my hubby is so eager to move into now. FML

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By Anonymous - Iraq

Today, I woke up from a nap to hear my roommate having some intimate time with his hand. The slopping and slurping sounds along with the girly man squeal as he finished haunted me all day. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Montreal

Today, I had to spend a few hours in a hospital with a toddler and a preschooler projecting vomit all over, because my husband thinks "expiration dates are for pussies." FML

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By OCDrunk - Australia

Today, when drunk, I became OCD about everything and spent 3 hours making sure that the books on my shelves were straight. I thought that being drunk was supposed to be fun. FML

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By Theaccident - Australia

The truth

Today, my mum told me how I was only here because my dad couldn't pull out in time. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was so disgusted by my own body, I took a shower in the dark so I wouldn't have to look at myself. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was called a "disabled buzzkill" for not letting someone pet my service dog. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I found a letter in the postbox at my new flat which ran something along these lines of: "Hi. We're the gas company. You owe us £1,229.79 and have 7 days to pay us. Lotsa love, dated 7th September." FML

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By Nosmie

Today, the worst part about not having a sense of smell is that I can’t tell if anyone ate pizza without me. Unless I see an empty box in the trash. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/2/2021 05:01

Great question

Today, during my online class, I was answering my professor's question when my older sister slammed open the door to loudly say, "WHAT'S UP CHICKEN FUCKER?" My class heard. I hate online school. FML

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By Mewsmash - United States - Dublin

Today, my father told me he hasn't brushed his teeth for 30 years: he just wipes them with paper towels. I don't know whether to be horribly disgusted, or horribly jealous that he has never gotten a cavity. FML

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By dangerousknitter - United States

Today, in the middle of an exam, I was escorted out by the campus police due to suspicion of a concealed weapon. The officers couldn't stop laughing for 20 minutes when they found out the weapon was metal knitting needles. FML

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By Anonymous - Singapore

Today, my 9 year old nephew found his way onto my iTunes. I now have 401 songs titled "aidfj3P" by "ffjiel". FML

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By W1D0 - United States

Today, while riding in the car with my mother, we got into an argument, at which point she pulled the vehicle over, took the key out of the ignition and used it to turn off the passenger airbag. She then continued driving in silence. FML

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By eayers2689 - United States

Today, I went to a barbecue and noticed a girl that I had be interested in. When I walked up to ask how she was doing I noticed she had some BBQ sauce on her face. Jokingly I licked my thumb and reach to remove it. It turned out to be a scab from a pimple she had popped earlier. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend to Taco Bell since it's her favorite place to eat. I thought it'd be cute to get one of the sauce packets that says "Will you marry me?" on it and give it to her all cute-like. She thought it was adorable. While we were leaving, she threw it out. FML

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By wantontsu

Today, I had diarrhea in a Walmart bathroom for 15 minutes. Apparently, so did the guy in the stall next to me. He attempted to make small talk to pass the time. FML

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By Lifeless - United States

Today, I got into a staring contest with my dog. I actually cheered when I won. FML

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By nycol - Australia

Today, I had to explain to my 18-year-old boyfriend why it is not okay to pee in the pool. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was taking the final exam for one of my classes. The teacher came over to my desk, grabbed my test and ripped it in half. Then he grabbed my hand and read the note I had written on it to remind myself to pay rent. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Baulkham Hills

Family Fortunes

Today, I met the family of the guy I’m seeing, and they are all amazing. I’m scared to tell him I have a schizophrenic mum and a raging alcoholic dad. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, as a joke, my friends plastic wrapped me to my bed while I was sleeping, I had an allergic reaction to the plastic and had to have the girl I like come cut me out and give me my meds. I sleep naked and was unable to put on clothes during this time. She saw me naked, swollen and with hives. FML

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By lauren - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I was chaperoning for my 8-year-old sister's class in school. The bus ride was an hour long, so several people didn't make it to the bathroom in time. Unfortunately, one of them was me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Erie

Today, my boyfriend stayed over at my place for the first time. I left him in the bedroom for a couple of minutes while I used the toilet, and when I came back, he was holding my vibrator. He angrily asked me, "What the hell is this? You know this is cheating, right?" FML

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By Anonymous - 30/7/2020 20:01

Toxic parents

Today, my mom caught me vaping weed oil and tried to ground me. I’m 33 years old, with my own wife and kids, weed is legal in this state with a medical card, and I use it to treat the seizures I’ve had since mom belted me around the head as a kid, giving me brain damage. FML

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By letmefallasleep

Checks and balances

Today, I found out my husband has racked up $3000 on our credit cards, and ruined my credit score. When confronted, all he had to say was, "Well you didn't tell me when you bought that ten-dollar t-shirt, so I guess we're even." FML

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By JRock - United States

Today, at my softball game, there was one spot left for center field. The coach had to choose between me or the girl who forgot her glasses and was blind without them. He chose her. FML

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By Anonymous - Singapore

Today, I went out with a guy I really liked for the first time. He tried to hold my hands, only to be stopped by my mum, jumping out from nowhere saying "Oh no you don't!" before slapping him. This isn't the first time this has happened. FML

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By forever1990 - United States - York

Today, I'm getting married. A few months ago, I allowed my mother in-law to take care of catering. She begged to be a part of the wedding, so I gave her the caterer's number and order info. It appears that I will not be eating at my own wedding because she decided to order food I'm allergic to. FML

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By stuckwithafamilyofcunts - Spain - El Puig

Today, my little brother gave me an open jar of peanut butter for my birthday. I'm deathly allergic, and he knows it. Despite his maniacal grin and snickering, my parents said it was an innocent mistake, and grounded me for yelling at him. FML

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By SeeingLlamas - United States - Knoxville

Today, I have been awake so long I hallucinated a llama in my living room. I have a medical condition that keeps me from sleeping properly. I've run out of medication. I still see the llama. FML

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By goingdownhillfast

Today, after getting her "out-of-office" email, I realized that my coworker is on vacation this week. We're doing our final presentation for a major project on Thursday, and she hasn't finished her part. I guess I won't be sleeping this week. FML

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By DietWater - United States - Beaumont

Today, I went to the park and people were crowded around some dancers. One of the dancers danced up to me, gave me a flower, and winked at me. I was very flattered, until the same dancer asked me to give the flower back after the dance so he could use it on the next show. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, trying to be romantic, I started giving my boyfriend a neck massage. He gave me a weirded-out look, removed my hand, called me creep, and wouldn't let me touch him for the rest of the day. FML

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By Sadmom - United States - Cherry Hill

Today, I found out that my son thinks it's acceptable to use words like "on fleek" in high school level essays. FML

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Top comments

By Comet_Candy | 23

#4928527 - Thursday 13 September 2012 18:50

Your father sounds like an absolute riot!

By SweetAsHell | 9

#4928525 - Thursday 13 September 2012 18:49

I don't think she's going to want to continue your family line anytime soon, OP.

COMMENTS

By SweetAsHell | 9

#4928525 - Thursday 13 September 2012 18:49

I don't think she's going to want to continue your family line anytime soon, OP.

TheTwistedOtaku | 16

#4928610 - Thursday 13 September 2012 19:06

Atleast he has a sense of humor, I'd love to have a dad like OP's.

PeachesnCream88 | 0

#4928642 - Thursday 13 September 2012 19:14

He sounds cool .. I mean imagine if it was your friend.. I bet you'd laugh :D

LMFAOwned | 9

#4928653 - Thursday 13 September 2012 19:16

Nothing is wrong with your father. Ask your girlfriend next time, "why so serious?"

LolFMLnot | 10

#4929134 - Thursday 13 September 2012 23:35

Aha your father sounds like a fun guy. I'd laugh if I were your girlfriend. I mean it's always good to have a funny guy in the family right?

tjv3 | 10

#4929322 - Friday 14 September 2012 1:46

This made me laugh out loud thanks OP

PinkieKeen | 20

#4965857 - Monday 24 September 2012 5:38

If I was OP's girlfriend I would laugh my ass off.

By Comet_Candy | 23

#4928527 - Thursday 13 September 2012 18:50

Your father sounds like an absolute riot!

onlychildFTW | 33

#4928638 - Thursday 13 September 2012 19:13

He sounds annoying and very strange. If OP and her get married I wonder what the father will do b

redmane | 21

#4928778 - Thursday 13 September 2012 20:08

onlychildFTW sounds annoying and very strange.

305Miami | 0

#4928832 - Thursday 13 September 2012 20:27

Yeah agreed^^^

SenselessPattern | 12

#4928920 - Thursday 13 September 2012 21:13

Who was the lucky midwife?

ThisIsHard | 5

#4929149 - Thursday 13 September 2012 23:47

If he's like this now,
Imagine what he's like when drunk.

onlychildFTW | 33

#4930980 - Friday 14 September 2012 8:55

Idiot.

You'll have to guess who that's directed to. Don't get it wrong.

redmane | 21

#4932671 - Friday 14 September 2012 19:34

Was it to 17? I bet it was a response to 17.

By blondie1208 | 17

#4928531 - Thursday 13 September 2012 18:50

Good way to break the ice...

LO388 | 7

#4928901 - Thursday 13 September 2012 20:57

And he was right, that is pretty funny.

momolee | 4

#4930828 - Friday 14 September 2012 6:59

He just wanted to remind them what happens if they don't use protection.

Good_luck_Ryan | 2

#4937430 - Sunday 16 September 2012 8:50

I know haha.

By SqueakyChipmunk | 20

#4928537 - Thursday 13 September 2012 18:50

Did he claw his way out?
You can't have a birth without bloodshed.
At least he didn't shove him down his pants.
Ouch.

swankmrpancake | 8

#4928613 - Thursday 13 September 2012 19:06

It would have been even worse if he put it in the back of his pants and pretended it was a poop

SqueakyChipmunk | 20

#4928624 - Thursday 13 September 2012 19:09

Say goodbye to your asshole.

Sandman366 | 6

#4928793 - Thursday 13 September 2012 20:16

I'd expect enough blood for four births. My cats would claw me to shreds if I tried even putting them down my shirt. (They don't even care for being picked up, they might tear your face off for just that.)

swankmrpancake | 8

#4928923 - Thursday 13 September 2012 21:14

Ever have trouble with constipation well say good bye to ever having that problem again all you have to do it put a cat down the back of your pants and let it go crazy down there.