Kids: Today, I had my girlfriend over and we we're watching a movie... - FML

By CaoNiMa - China

Today, I had my girlfriend over and we we're watching a movie in my basement. I run upstairs and pop a bag of popcorn. Later I come downstairs to find my 10 year old brother sitting next to my girlfriend saying," My brother always says he wants to screw your brains out, whatever that means". FML

I agree, your life sucks

29775

You deserved it

74700

Tweet

Share

Triage

Grow up

Fake News

By AnxiousCucumber - United States - Los Angeles

And I oop

Today, my boyfriend's dick got stuck in the wrong hole. And by wrong hole I mean the pool filter. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20227

You deserved it

2156

Tweet

Share

By Thongy - Canada

Cultural differences

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. Why? My Australian friend sent me a message saying I'd left my thongs at his house. My boyfriend still refuses to believe that they call flip-flops thongs in Australia. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1950

You deserved it

537

Tweet

Share

By notsobig - United States

Today, I jokingly asked my girlfriend if she thinks I have a big package. She replied that she didn't want to upset me and get into another fight. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28586

You deserved it

40784

Tweet

Share

By foshizzle - United States - Orlando

Today, while at work, a man grabbed my beard, said it was impressive, and then uttered the words, "I love you." FML

I agree, your life sucks

26889

You deserved it

3158

Tweet

Share

By asdfghjkl

Today, it took me four tries to find the right position to swipe my debit card. My mom screamed "Oh, for God's sake, why don't you ever get it right the FIRST time?" She then apologized to the cashier for having "such a stupid child". FML

I agree, your life sucks

3991

You deserved it

899

Tweet

Share

By groom - United States

Today, I helped my grandparents carry luggage to their hotel room, where they're staying the night tonight after my wedding reception. Their room is 203. Mine is 201. Their room shares a wall with my honeymoon suite. My grandparents are going to hear me consummate my marriage. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57259

You deserved it

5982

Tweet

Share

By MonsieurH - France - Perros-guirec

Today, my dog wouldn't stop pestering me while I was eating some chocolate mousse. I tried to get him to leave me alone for a bit by pretending to throw the mousse far away. The pot stayed in my hand, but I covered the furniture in chocolate mousse. My dog enjoyed cleaning it up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22563

You deserved it

48100

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 22/8/2020 05:01

Social distancing

Today, we celebrated our daughter's sixth birthday. Out of the 30 invited, 7 showed up. The last one to cancel this morning told us she was ill. My daughter was in tears as this meant the last remaining playmate couldn't come. My wife later saw her tagged on Facebook at another party. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1623

You deserved it

344

Tweet

Share

By bw9669 - Canada

Today, I had to cancel all of the plans to go away on a romantic weekend with my boyfriend. My parents are going out of town for a night and I have to stay home a babysit my little sister. She's 19. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34647

You deserved it

5083

Tweet

Share

By CarSick - United States

Today, I threw up in the car. While driving. The good news though, I had a bag to catch it all. Bad news? The bag had a giant hole in the bottom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31303

You deserved it

3845

Tweet

Share

By UnluckyArtist - United States

Today, I had an art class with my girlfriend. The teacher assigned "anti-cards", or cards for unusual or bad occasions. My girlfriend decided to make a "break-up" card, and I helped her write the poem inside it. After class, she gave it to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46145

You deserved it

6438

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, my dad got over his aversion to tight pants, giving everyone at the DMV a good look at his package in skin-tight blue jeans. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27373

You deserved it

2379

Tweet

Share

By Ashton Sprunger - United States

Today, I was taking people's orders at the drive-thru. I was confused as to why people were screaming their orders at me, until one of my managers handed me a paper that he'd found taped to the menu, saying "speak loudly speaker isn't working properly." Punkd. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28658

You deserved it

3283

Tweet

Share

By SeeBrendenBurn - United States

Today, I went to a rock concert and met this amazing girl. We started talking and then swapped cell numbers. Five minutes later, she asks to see my cellphone, so I gave it to her. Once I got home I went to text her and saw that she deleted her number. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35699

You deserved it

5646

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - South Salem

Today, my sister came to stay with me in my apartment for the last few weeks of her difficult pregnancy. However she didn't tell me she was bringing her two dogs, her jackass of a husband, my bratty nephew and an inflatable kiddie pool so she could have a natural water birth in my living room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

61682

You deserved it

5819

Tweet

Share

By Burny

Today, my partner took a shower while in the middle of cooking something. My eyes are still burning from the smoke. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2775

You deserved it

268

Tweet

Share

By heartsick - United States - Davenport

Today, depressed about a recent break-up with my long-term boyfriend, I bought a book about moving on after a relationship ends. The cashier placed some standard promotional fliers in my bag during check-out. Once home, I pulled out the fliers. They were for a married couples retreat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24547

You deserved it

3020

Tweet

Share

By Eternal_Babyface - United States

Today, I was talking to a friend and bemoaning the fact that my new coworkers keep mixing up my gender. She looked at me critically and said, "Yeah, until you can grow a decent beard, people are going to keep thinking you're an intern or a butch lesbian." FML

I agree, your life sucks

21676

You deserved it

2291

Tweet

Share

By Not-so-sexy - United States

Today, I tried to send my boyfriend a sexy picture. I took a close up picture of my face, and, trying to be sexy, had my naked body reflected on a mirror in the background. First thing he says: "Who the hell is that guy in the background?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

25216

You deserved it

6809

Tweet

Share

By Noname - United States

Today, my friends and I were drinking boba. On the side of the cup it said "Please drink carefully to avoid choking on the Boba". I started to laugh at the ridiculousness of the label, and choked on the boba in a coughing fit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15573

You deserved it

68555

Tweet

Share

By stupidboys - United States

Today, I got dumped by my boyfriend after helping him study for his ACT, giving him a back rub, and having really awesome sex with him. His reason for dumping me? He's too stressed out to have a girlfriend right now. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38622

You deserved it

4584

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 11/9/2020 05:02

Might never happen, love

Today, I was blocked by a girl I like. She said I was mean for not understanding why she hates when people tell her to smile. I worked as a waiter and hated when people told me to smile all the time. Yet I'm the one who doesn't understand, apparently. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1040

You deserved it

265

Tweet

Share

By humanalarmclock - United States

Today, I realized my boyfriend only asks me to come spend the night when he needs me to wake him up in the morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30333

You deserved it

3979

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Louisville

Today, my in-laws kept mocking me for being "too clean" because I take a shower every day. They think I'm weird and kept saying things like "Be careful when you hug your daughter, she might squeak!" and calling me names like "water-wasting bitch." They haven't stopped all day. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51116

You deserved it

4392

Tweet

Share

By xorenae - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had an interview for an office job. As a requirement, I had to show up dressed for the job. My friend has worked there for years and told me it was casual dress. I wore jeans and a blouse. Everyone else had on business suits. Obviously my friend doesn't know what casual means. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29922

You deserved it

7919

Tweet

Share

By FootFlakes - United States - Boston

Today, I had to explain to my girlfriend once again that the dry skin she picks off her feet belong in the trash, not on our coffee table. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40906

You deserved it

4420

Tweet

Share

By freezingggg - Reserved

Today, like always, my parents are such tightwads that they refused to turn the heating system on, despite the ball-freezing temperatures. I was so cold, I had to resort to warming my hands up over the toaster. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29104

You deserved it

3685

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was supposed to work with this girl I really like but I had the flu really bad. I really really wanted to see her so I forced myself out of bed and went to work feeling terrible but determined to see her face. When I got to work I asked where she was. She had called in sick with the flu. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39952

You deserved it

17724

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I needed to buy Vagisil. I went to the grocery store so I could use the self check-out. My item rung up incorrectly, so a girl came to help. She was new and having trouble, so she called more people to help. I ended up having five people around me talking about my Vagisil purchase. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51140

You deserved it

4540

Tweet

Share

By bluedevil26 - United States

Today, I got my eyebrows waxed for the first time in a few months. Once she finished, she handed me the mirror and asked, "How does it feel to look human again?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

49458

You deserved it

12582

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 12/12/2020 11:02 - United States

Ironic

Today, on my way out to get salt for the driveway, I fell and split my head. I'm now sitting in the ER waiting room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

837

You deserved it

63

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Champlin

Today, as part of my medical anatomy course, I had to give a presentation about an STD and the effects it has on women. The class was comprised almost entirely of girls. I become extremely anxious and accidentally stated "Vaginas are smelly" as my opening statement. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16637

You deserved it

29149

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - India

Today, I finally got the courage to ask out the guy I've liked for a long time. He's a cashier at a grocery store. It was about 1am and I was his last customer, everything seemed just right. Just when I was about to ask him to the movies, a drunk girl stumbles in and asks him out. He said yes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50554

You deserved it

6936

Tweet

Share

By helper - Costa Rica

Today, while dining at a restaurant I heard a women choking. I immediately ran to her, wrapped my arms around her and started giving her abdominal thrusts. She freed herself and slapped me. Turns out she wasn't choking, she was just laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16559

You deserved it

34513

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Boulder

Today, I found out that the creepy weirdo who's been sending me messages for a while is just my dad. His excuse was, "I wanted you to feel like someone would actually like you." FML

I agree, your life sucks

30380

You deserved it

2370

Tweet

Share

By Heavy D - United States

Today, I was driving with my boss and she held her breath as we drove past a cell tower, because she didn't want to "breathe in any radiation." I have to take orders from this moron. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27835

You deserved it

2002

Tweet

Share

By KamiAzaaaaaa - United Kingdom - London

Today, I found out my credit card was maxed out to the penny, all thanks to purchases made on an online wine store. Apparently my mother was thirsty enough to steal from her own son. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23688

You deserved it

1535

Tweet

Share

By eeewww

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend and he ejaculated without warning, shooting straight up my nostril. I accidentally snorted it, started choking, and then coughed it up in my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4272

You deserved it

760

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Sweden - V?ster

Today, I woke up to find my best friend lying down and unresponsive. Frightened, I tapped on the glass. He got scared and started swimming again. My best friend is a fish. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32492

You deserved it

7180

Tweet

Share

By Kyle

Today, I celebrated my 30th birthday by accidentally knocking my fiancée’s tooth out with her glass as she tried to a sip. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1463

You deserved it

227

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By meaganwas | 0

#60296 - Thursday 26 March 2009 20:01

You have the best little brother ever.

By drybamboo | 0

#60309 - Thursday 26 March 2009 20:03

That ten year old knew what he was saying. LOL.

COMMENTS

By meaganwas | 0

#60296 - Thursday 26 March 2009 20:01

You have the best little brother ever.

Reply

Madison88888888 | 5

#4765039 - Thursday 2 August 2012 20:25

I agree! That's too cute (:

By zach2519 | 0

#60307 - Thursday 26 March 2009 20:03

Pics of your girlfriend? Her response?

Reply

AutomatonRider | 0

#3001680 - Saturday 30 July 2011 13:59

creepy

Reply

jc10x | 8

#5466205 - Friday 26 April 2013 18:15

why would you want to know?

By drybamboo | 0

#60309 - Thursday 26 March 2009 20:03

That ten year old knew what he was saying. LOL.

By talz222 | 0

#60331 - Thursday 26 March 2009 20:08

At least she knows now..

By emmaleelee | 0

#60335 - Thursday 26 March 2009 20:09

Hahaha! Well, as they say...kids say the darndest things. Tell her it was a misunderstanding, or else just laugh it off. Unless she's a new girlfriend it really shouldn't be too much of an issue, just something to laugh about later.

By Nitros_fml | 0

#60341 - Thursday 26 March 2009 20:10

Not so bad, I found out from my ex that that is what she wanted to hear from me...

Reply

54754N4 | 14

#6724498 - Monday 19 December 2016 8:45

#7 Who needs his ex to tell him that Lol. I think it's safe to assume that u weren't forced to go out with her.. and as a normal human being u obviously had urges. U gotta convey ur feelings more; especially in a healthy relationship. >..> Might explain why she's an 'ex' now..

By candiixo | 0

#60350 - Thursday 26 March 2009 20:12

lmao

By Freudian_Slip | 0

#60367 - Thursday 26 March 2009 20:17

Hopefully she'll take you up on the offer.

By Misanthropist | 0

#60373 - Thursday 26 March 2009 20:19

I'd say you owe him a favor now!

By cadenernest | 0

#60374 - Thursday 26 March 2009 20:19

ahahahah! Man, he totally owned you, and he's 10 so I agree with #3, I knew what that meant when I was 10. He deserves a beating.