Today, I had my girlfriend over and we we're watching a movie... - FML

By CaoNiMa - 26/3/2009 15:42 - China

Today, I had my girlfriend over and we we're watching a movie in my basement. I run upstairs and pop a bag of popcorn. Later I come downstairs to find my 10 year old brother sitting next to my girlfriend saying," My brother always says he wants to screw your brains out, whatever that means". FML

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British Broadcasting Corporation

Goodbye Bill

Tidy your room

By CatLover - 6/11/2014 18:30 - United States - Bartow

Today, my mentally-unhinged mother reached a new level of psycho - she threw a tantrum and raged at my father, accusing him of cheating on her with our cat. FML

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By mugged - 15/12/2010 11:58 - Germany

Today, I went to the Salvation Army to donate some clothes. As I was handing over the 4 huge bags that I had carried for 10 blocks, while 6 months pregnant, somebody stole my purse. FML

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By WayToGoDaddyHo - 8/7/2015 06:17 - United States - Beaverton

Today, my father lectured me for dating a man with "no future", even though he's entering a PhD program next year at a top university. Meanwhile, my dad's last relationship was with a 20-year-old hooker who ended up stealing his credit cards. FML

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By sothatsano - 16/12/2015 08:56 - United States - Spokane

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend. At the right moment, I got down on one knee. As I was reaching into my pocket to get the ring, she got so freaked out she kicked me in the face. I chipped a tooth and the ring flew off, and now I can't find it. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/8/2019 06:00

Today, my boyfriend looked so unhappy in a photo we took that I downloaded an editing app, and edited the photo to make it look like he was smiling before posting it. FML

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By Bobby - 10/8/2012 11:42 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, while housesitting my neighbor's dogs the phone rang. I answered it and a voice said, "Stop checking your Facebook and take care of my dogs. They look like they need to go out." FML

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By Anonymous - 28/10/2013 06:31 - United Kingdom - Leicester

Today, when I locked my newly repaired bike up, I carefully took the new rear light off it so that nobody could steal said light. Somebody stole my bike. At least I have a red light to play with. FML

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By CA - 8/10/2015 14:46 - Norway

Today, an elderly gentleman customer decided to tell me that while I'm not attractive at all, he'd still bang me all the same. Then he gave me a pained smile, like he was struggling not to shit himself, and left. I'm starting to hate working retail. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/4/2012 05:41 - United States - Garden Grove

Today, my boss fired me because he wants to start dating my mother and apparently doesn't want it to be "awkward." FML

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By soapisyourfriend - 16/2/2016 06:53 - United States - Ashland

Today, cable was installed at my house and the cable guy smelled like some horrid mix of cabbage and cheese. I'm pregnant and suffering from morning sickness. I've sprayed air freshener, lit candles, and opened windows despite the cold outside. I can't get rid of the smell. FML

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By mrb72 - 3/2/2009 10:48 - United States

Today, I took my friend to the E.R. for an eye infection. While waiting, I proclaimed, "Why, Jesus?!" jokingly. Well, the gigantic biker sitting next to me, who had found religion in prison and is a born again Christian, was not pleased. He spent the next four hours trying to convert me. FML

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By angry asthmatic - 22/12/2018 14:00 - United States - Ann Arbor

Today, we had an emergency lockdown in my gym class. As a result, we had to go into the boys' locker room, so naturally, it smelled like a fart in there. Some dumbass had a "brilliant" idea to spray a WHOLE FUCKING CAN OF AXE SPRAY in the locker room. I have asthma. FML

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By notinthebutt - 14/6/2011 17:57 - United States

Today, my friend sent me an online money transfer. After forgetting the password and locking myself out of my account, I had to phone up the bank and have it reset. I was prompted to answer the security question, which was "What, what?" I had to say "In the butt." to get my money. FML

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By Noname - 18/1/2009 00:52 - Canada

Today, my house got egged and since it is the winter the eggs froze. They used two dozen eggs. FML

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By Chemist-why - 30/1/2015 15:11 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my fiancé and I were having sex. In the middle of it he said, "I want us to be covalent bonds". I didn't understand what he meant, and he actually stopped to explain it to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/2/2019 16:35 - United States

Today, I am 3 months pregnant. While lying on the couch with morning sickness, my boyfriend farted loudly and filled the room with a smell so horrifying that I immediately threw up all over my coffee table. He spent the next 20 minutes texting his friends about this "epic" moment. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/12/2011 07:00 - United States

Today, I started to seductively kiss my girlfriend on the neck. When I asked her if she liked it, she said, "Yes, because I don't have to smell your breath." FML

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By Misskittygal14 - 16/11/2017 15:00

Today, I decided to go through my younger brother's browser history. I found out he goes regularly on PornHub. He's only 10. FML

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By ZAnon - 6/2/2015 07:06 - United States - Houston

Today, my 97-pound pitbull wagged and chased his tail while I was being mugged. FML

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By ClothMom - 8/12/2009 07:02 - United States

Today, I was visited by Child Protective Services. Seems someone on my street reported me for neglect because I cloth diaper my children. I moved in less than 6 months ago, so I guess this is how they say, "welcome to the neighborhood" about these parts. FML

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By FML - 24/12/2011 01:32 - Sweden

Today, after having recently moved 300 miles to be with my boyfriend of 2 years, I have to celebrate Christmas alone. He never thought our relationship important enough to tell his family about me, and doesn't want it to be "awkward." FML

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By Anon - 3/10/2009 11:43 - Australia

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend. I found out he was seeing someone behind my back: my ex-boyfriend. FML

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By fiendishkitty - 20/9/2011 17:53 - United States

Today, six years after hurricane Katrina took everything from me, I received a letter in the mail from FEMA telling me that I have to repay them the money I received to replace what was lost. I have 30 days to repay $4,900 or the case will be sent into federal debt collection. FML

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By Mike - 31/10/2009 04:22 - United Kingdom

Today, my 5 year old daughter figured out how to use the microwave, microwaving my brand new 3G iphone. It was completely wrecked. So was the microwave. FML

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By neighbor - 26/1/2014 13:08 - Australia - Mosman

Today, I was helping my elderly neighbor carry her groceries into her kitchen. When I finished, she sighed and said, "You're such a sweet girl. It's just a shame about your face." FML

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By Jessica S. - 6/9/2012 11:15 - United States - Louisville

Today, I found out that the mysterious and creepy weirdo guy that continuously sends me messages on Facebook is my manager at my new job. FML

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By Jinx - 21/8/2017 22:15 - United Kingdom - Dorchester

Today, I got a stern talking-to from the police about threatening and harassing people. Who had called them? None other than my stalker, whom I'd just informed about the restraining order I was filing against him after finding him in my house. For the second time. FML

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By Cinderella - 9/7/2017 14:55

Today, my house was so dusty that when I started to clean it, the smoke detector went off. FML

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By icareaboutmyhair - 28/2/2011 15:27 - Estonia

Today, I discovered I have dandruff, which I never had before. I googled the possible reasons and those are depression and hormones. Not only have I not had sex for a year, but it's also the reason I have dandruff. And apparently I'm depressed. How sexy is that? FML

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By Anonymous - 24/7/2019 20:00

Today, I've had bad gas all day. In bed, almost asleep, I felt the urge to fart, and thinking nothing of it, I let it rip. It wasn't a fart. FML

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By seanzynotfonzyehhhhh - 4/8/2016 05:16 - United States

Today, my boss told me to find the bad smell coming from the apartment we were working on. I found the bath tub about 4 inches high full of piss and spent the next hour bailing it out into a bucket because the drain wasn't connected yet. I have pee stain in all the wrong places. FML

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By BadKarma - 28/8/2018 07:00 - United States - Douglas

When it rains, it pours.

Today, my washing machine, dryer, vacuum cleaner, and laptop all stopped working. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2016 14:18 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was fired. Not only was I fired with no warning, not only was my friend the one who fired me, but I was fired from the unpaid volunteering position I took to help her out. FML

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By Lisa - 4/11/2010 14:42 - United States

Today, I received an overdue bill for my now nonexistent car that caught fire in July. FML

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By mayhemily - 21/9/2015 16:22 - Canada - Aurora

Today, I passed out in my kitchen and was woken up by my dog. Not because she was worried about me, but because my body was blocking her food dish. FML

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By MrLonelyHertz - 24/8/2016 23:41 - United States - Kingman

Today, I sat down for class. The second I sat down, the guy next to me stood up and moved all the way to the other side of the class. FML

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By *sigh* - 23/5/2010 01:24 - United States

Today, I was working as a counsellor at a special needs camp when one of the parents came up to my friend and asked her what my disorder was. FML

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By nosleep - 30/6/2017 16:46

Today, like every other day since I moved into this apartment a year ago, the construction crew started their noisy work at 5:30 in the morning. When I moved in I was promised it was a quiet neighborhood; only offices. What have they been building in the meantime? Three nightclubs. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/9/2011 20:03 - United States

Today, I lost my virginity to my boyfriend. Not only did he last just 2 minutes, he also sat there for a while afterwards, smacking his semi-erect penis in awe and saying, "Look, it's still hard! How crazy is that?!" FML

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By yek - 24/12/2015 19:01 - Israel - Tel Aviv

Today, I'm spending Christmas Eve at the hospital. Why? Because when I blew my nose, a ball of flesh connected to a tendril of skin shot out, and it wouldn't go back up. FML

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Top comments

By meaganwas | 0

#60296 - Thursday 26 March 2009 20:01

You have the best little brother ever.

By drybamboo | 0

#60309 - Thursday 26 March 2009 20:03

That ten year old knew what he was saying. LOL.

COMMENTS

By meaganwas | 0

#60296 - Thursday 26 March 2009 20:01

You have the best little brother ever.

Reply

Madison88888888 | 5

#4765039 - Thursday 2 August 2012 20:25

I agree! That's too cute (:

By zach2519 | 0

#60307 - Thursday 26 March 2009 20:03

Pics of your girlfriend? Her response?

Reply

AutomatonRider | 0

#3001680 - Saturday 30 July 2011 13:59

creepy

Reply

jc10x | 8

#5466205 - Friday 26 April 2013 18:15

why would you want to know?

By drybamboo | 0

#60309 - Thursday 26 March 2009 20:03

That ten year old knew what he was saying. LOL.

By talz222 | 0

#60331 - Thursday 26 March 2009 20:08

At least she knows now..

By emmaleelee | 0

#60335 - Thursday 26 March 2009 20:09

Hahaha! Well, as they say...kids say the darndest things. Tell her it was a misunderstanding, or else just laugh it off. Unless she's a new girlfriend it really shouldn't be too much of an issue, just something to laugh about later.

By Nitros_fml | 0

#60341 - Thursday 26 March 2009 20:10

Not so bad, I found out from my ex that that is what she wanted to hear from me...

Reply

54754N4 | 14

#6724498 - Monday 19 December 2016 8:45

#7 Who needs his ex to tell him that Lol. I think it's safe to assume that u weren't forced to go out with her.. and as a normal human being u obviously had urges. U gotta convey ur feelings more; especially in a healthy relationship. >..> Might explain why she's an 'ex' now..

By candiixo | 0

#60350 - Thursday 26 March 2009 20:12

lmao

By Freudian_Slip | 0

#60367 - Thursday 26 March 2009 20:17

Hopefully she'll take you up on the offer.

By Misanthropist | 0

#60373 - Thursday 26 March 2009 20:19

I'd say you owe him a favor now!

By cadenernest | 0

#60374 - Thursday 26 March 2009 20:19

ahahahah! Man, he totally owned you, and he's 10 so I agree with #3, I knew what that meant when I was 10. He deserves a beating.