Today, I had my girlfriend over and we we're watching a movie... - FML

By CaoNiMa - China

Today, I had my girlfriend over and we we're watching a movie in my basement. I run upstairs and pop a bag of popcorn. Later I come downstairs to find my 10 year old brother sitting next to my girlfriend saying," My brother always says he wants to screw your brains out, whatever that means". FML

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There's no helping some people

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Can they do that?

By Anonymous - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I went to dinner with a guy I like and paid the $120 bill. After joking that he was an expensive date, he replied, "I laugh at how you think this is a date." FML

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By twitch01 - United States

Today, as a joke, my friends and I decided to put me in a dress and makeup, to creep out a friend. I'm a guy. I'm not sure which is worse, the fact that I so willingly volunteered to wear the dress and the makeup, or the fact that I thought it was comfy and made me look slim. FML

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By hmb - United States

Today, my dog used my stomach as a trampoline to jump onto the couch. I wouldn't have minded so much if I wasn't still recovering from having my appendix removed. FML

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By confusedcatlover - United Kingdom - London

Today, I walked in on my husband eating cat food out of the cat bowl dressed in a cat costume. FML

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By FishStampede - Korea Republic of

Today, I was visiting a national park and went for a swim. Afterwards, I needed to change clothes but the bathrooms were closed. I went off into the woods to change. As soon as I was naked, I heard hooves and sixteen people on horseback rode by. I'd stripped by a horse trail. FML

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By fmlfmlfml - United States

Today, I was taking a nap. Apparently, my two year old daughter decided to crawl on top of the covers on my bed because she was scared since there was a thunder storm. I thought she was one of our cats so I kicked her off. She hit the wall. FML

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By Bug5992 - United States - Kent

Today, I was getting intimate with my current bootycall when he thought it would be funny to make animal sounds. He "baa-ed" "moo-ed" and "gobbled" until losing his erection from intense laughter, leaving me there very confused and unsatisfied. FML

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By JK - United States

Today, my boyfriend admitted that he'd like to dress me in a squirrel suit and chase me through the forest. This was the surprising result of a discussion on how to spice up our love life. FML

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By Ouijake

Today, I tried out the new VR headset I got for Christmas. I downloaded a 'Moon Walk' app and went for a walk around my basement. I felt adventurous and tried to climb my stairs, took a nice large step ready to ascend the lunar hill, and found myself standing in my cat's litter box. FML

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By M to the line - France

Today, I lied and said I was late for work because my car's tire was flat. Two hours later, some of my friends came in and said something along the lines that "We should do brunch every saturday, (like this morning) it was awesome!" in front of my manager. FML

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By Lucy - United States - La Mesa

Today, I finally had sex with the guy I've been in love with for the past two years. Five minutes in, he passed out on top of me from a pain pill overdose and had a mini seizure. He finally woke up and groans, "Those bastards! They confiscated my clothes!" FML

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By Lola - France

Today, I dressed in my sexiest clothes to meet my new boyfriend at a restaurant. As I was a bit early, I took the opportunity to smoke a cigarette outside while I waited. The restaurant owner came out and said, "Hey, you. Go and 'work' somewhere else, please." FML

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By crashednowcrushed - United States

Today, was my 16th birthday and I was supposed to be surprised with a new car. I have overheard my parents talking about bringing it home tonight while I was at a friend's house. We snuck back to my house to see them bring my car home. All I saw was my Dad crash my new car into a street lamp. FML

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By kraussy - United States

Today, I went to the eye doctor and they used dilating eye-drops on me. After I left, my vision was still pretty blurry. I walked to the subway and when I went to step onto the train, I missed and my whole left leg got stuck in the gap. The train was delayed 10 minutes because of me. FML

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By anon - United States

Today, while babysitting, I made the kids and myself peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. When their parents came home, their dad took out the same container of peanut butter I had used and let their dog lick out of it. FML

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By EgoMoose - United States

Today, my mom held an intervention for me. Yesterday, I told her I'd tried pot once. Seven years ago. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my bra clasp broke in the middle of a job interview. I got the job on the spot. I'm scared to report into work. FML

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By Alisterine - United States - Chesterfield

Today, I had to flush someone else's shit in the public washroom at work. It was so vile, I didn't want to get anywhere near it, so flushed it with my foot, only for it to slip off the handle and into the toilet. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cedar Park

Today, a senile old lady came up to me and offered me chocolate. I noticed that it was ex-lax, so I politely told her no. My 4-year-old daughter pushed me aside and ate the ex-lax, because she thought it was candy. I now have a stinky child on a 3 hour bus ride, with no stops. FML

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By NYCguy - United States

Today, my female room-mate decided to throw away my xbox, along with a few other possessions because they reminded her of her ex. Furiously, I asked her if "it was that time of the month again." Now I can't feel my balls, and miss my games. FML

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By Anonymous

Strange Diet

Today, I woke this morning to my girlfriend asking me how many calories are in her deodorant. FML

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By nicrus - Norway

Today, my girlfriend and her mother bought a hanger for my $2000 guitar as a birthday present. They wanted to surprise me by hanging it on the wall. They screwed it upside down, so before I came home it fell off and my guitar broke. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while I was showering, a dark object in the shower kept startling me. After about the fourth time jumping, I realized it was my shadow that was scaring me. I am actually literally afraid of my own shadow. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Hamilton

Today, I heard my dad complaining that he won't be able to go to a concert, because it's happening on my birthday. This is the first time he's even acknowledged my birthday in over ten years. FML

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By Queenbee26 - United States

Today, my boyfriend got mad at me when his so-called "ways to turn me on" didn't work. What were these ways? Flicking my nips and inserting his finger in my belly button. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - Nora

Today, I was walking back to my hotel from the town square, and got lost. I turned back and walked around town for an hour, freaking out and panicking. When I finally found the hotel, I realized it was practically a stone's throw from where I was when I turned around. FML

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By PeeLeg

Today, I finally got a tattoo of an alchemy symbol that I've wanted for years. I also found out later that symbol stands for urine. FML

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By MexicanMe - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I had breakfast with his grandmother. She told him how I'm prettier than "that Mexican" he'd brought home for dinner last week. We had dinner with her last week, and I'm that same Mexican. She then went on to how Mexicans are what's wrong with the economy. FML

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By daddyrobyn - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, I met an important figure in my line of work who also happens to know my dad, Alan. Upon meeting said person, I let my social anxiety get the best of me and I greeted him by saying, "Hi! I'm your Alan!" FML

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By eaa145 - United States

Today, for my two-year anniversary I got my girlfriend a very expensive diamond necklace. She got me male enhancement pills. FML

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By Marou - France

Today, I sent a text message to a guy I like, saying, "Dear Santa, I want to fall in love." He replied: "Wait for next Christmas..." FML

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By zevil - Peru

Today, I had a date with a girl. Wanting to make a good impression, I spend a lot of time getting ready and by the time I get to the place we were supposed to meet she isn't there anymore. I call her to see where she is. She's in bed with another guy and says "I was REALLY waiting for you". FML

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By mrs.nerd - United States

Today, my husband and I were getting intimate when a notification for a game popped up on his iPad. He immediately shoved me aside so he could take care of his baby dragon. FML

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By thanks.... - United States

Today, I woke up to every window in my house packed with snow. It was so bad that I thought I'd been snowed-in, and I started freaking out. It took two hours and multiple phone calls before I found out that my neighbor had taken our prank war too seriously and staged the whole thing. FML

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By cnkk07 - United States

Today, my dad used the stove to boil water. Unfortunately, he turned the wrong burner on, setting the smoke alarm off. What's worse was the smell of burning plastic that came from the coffeemaker being melted down. It's been over an hour, and my eyes still burn like hell when I walk into the kitchen. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my grandparents visited. My grandpa kept getting off the couch and walking around to "stretch his legs." He kept kicking out my computer's network cable and messing up my game, smirking each time he did it. When I complained, my mom told me to shut up and show some respect. FML

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By Katz

Today, I was babysitting for a friend who develops software. After the baby was asleep, I was watching anime on my iPad. Turns out he created an app that alerts his phone whenever potential adult content streams through his internet. It was just an anime, but he's convinced I was watching porn. FML

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By - Canada - Toronto

Today, my girlfriend told me what turns her on: cheese. FML

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By miss_peppermint

Today, my dog of 10 years died suddenly. My husband’s response? “At least you don’t have to buy dog food anymore". FML

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By swedishdude - Sweden

Today, I was at a party where I ate a bowl of disgusting snacks because I didn't want to drink on an empty stomach. I spent the next twelve hours trying to prevent the world from collapsing into millions of demonic shards, cause apparently that's what a large dose of magic mushrooms does. FML

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Top comments

By meaganwas | 0

#60296 - Thursday 26 March 2009 20:01

You have the best little brother ever.

By drybamboo | 0

#60309 - Thursday 26 March 2009 20:03

That ten year old knew what he was saying. LOL.

COMMENTS

By meaganwas | 0

#60296 - Thursday 26 March 2009 20:01

You have the best little brother ever.

Reply

Madison88888888 | 5

#4765039 - Thursday 2 August 2012 20:25

I agree! That's too cute (:

By zach2519 | 0

#60307 - Thursday 26 March 2009 20:03

Pics of your girlfriend? Her response?

Reply

AutomatonRider | 0

#3001680 - Saturday 30 July 2011 13:59

creepy

Reply

jc10x | 8

#5466205 - Friday 26 April 2013 18:15

why would you want to know?

By drybamboo | 0

#60309 - Thursday 26 March 2009 20:03

That ten year old knew what he was saying. LOL.

By talz222 | 0

#60331 - Thursday 26 March 2009 20:08

At least she knows now..

By emmaleelee | 0

#60335 - Thursday 26 March 2009 20:09

Hahaha! Well, as they say...kids say the darndest things. Tell her it was a misunderstanding, or else just laugh it off. Unless she's a new girlfriend it really shouldn't be too much of an issue, just something to laugh about later.

By Nitros_fml | 0

#60341 - Thursday 26 March 2009 20:10

Not so bad, I found out from my ex that that is what she wanted to hear from me...

Reply

54754N4 | 14

#6724498 - Monday 19 December 2016 8:45

#7 Who needs his ex to tell him that Lol. I think it's safe to assume that u weren't forced to go out with her.. and as a normal human being u obviously had urges. U gotta convey ur feelings more; especially in a healthy relationship. >..> Might explain why she's an 'ex' now..

By candiixo | 0

#60350 - Thursday 26 March 2009 20:12

lmao

By Freudian_Slip | 0

#60367 - Thursday 26 March 2009 20:17

Hopefully she'll take you up on the offer.

By Misanthropist | 0

#60373 - Thursday 26 March 2009 20:19

I'd say you owe him a favor now!

By cadenernest | 0

#60374 - Thursday 26 March 2009 20:19

ahahahah! Man, he totally owned you, and he's 10 so I agree with #3, I knew what that meant when I was 10. He deserves a beating.