Health: Today, I had my first therapy session for the issues caused by... - FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Horsham

Today, I had my first therapy session for the issues caused by trying to please my overbearing, paranoid, self-centred mother. The first thing she did after we started driving home? Ranting at me and demanding to know if I'd been "talking shit" about her to my therapist FML

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Our house, in the middle of our street

Unionize

The patriarchy rules

By Anonymous - Taiwan

Today, I went to pick up my daughter from preschool. When I got there, I ran to give her a hug. She screamed and ran away. FML

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By comics over coatis

Today, my boyfriend got mad at me for starting to give him oral sex because I wasn't paying attention to the Marvel movie he was showing me. FML

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By willconqueror1 - United States

Today, coming home from a trip in the mountains, I got a cracked radiator and my car overheated. My dad came to get me, he drove my car and I followed in his. I got pulled over and ticketed for his expired registration. FML

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By robbed - United States

Today, I realized I was happy because we finally started having friends come visit us after months of not having company. I also realized that our secret stash of money was stolen last night while we had company. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was sick, and decided to work from home. After coding for a few hours, I took a break, and being home alone, I watched porn. A few minutes later, I received messages from my colleagues telling me to shut it down. I had forgotten I was working on teamviewer. FML

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By blehhx - United States

Today, I found out my cat is allergic to ME. No kidding. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/6/2020 14:02

Always wear protective gear

Today, while nailing a board down, I hit my thumb with the hammer. As I reached to console my throbbing finger, I dropped the hammer on my foot. When I went down to hold my foot, I smacked my head on the board. Now I've got a concussion, a smashed finger, and a bruised foot. FML

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By muffins69 - United States

Today, I untied the rope that was tied to my dog's collar because it was wrapped around the tree choking him. He immediately ran off down the street. I had to chase him barefoot in my boxers for 20 minutes till he got tired. FML

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By whoslade - United States

Today, I woke up to a punch in the balls. FML

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By JG - United States - Melbourne

Today, my friend thought it would be funny to announce to the class that I finally got a girlfriend. I received a standing ovation. FML

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By hedgehog5 - United States

Today, I found out my blood type is B. My parents are type A and type O. It's not genetically possible to be blood type B if your parents are A and O. This means I am either an adoptee, a mutant, or an illegitimate child. FML

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By missseloit3

Today, I met a nice guy who wanted to chat. I didn't want to be the bitchy type and throw him the "I have a boyfriend" line right away, so I conversed with him. When he asked was I single I, of course, said no. He yelled at me and made a huge scene about me leading him on. FML

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By MrMagicMan000 - United States

Today, I woke up to the sounds of birds singing, the smell of butter pancakes in the air and thought to myself "Wow, today is going to be great day. I can feel it!" Excited, I jumped out of my bed and threw open the door to see my 58 year old mother doing her morning stretches in the nude. FML

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By fuuuudge - United States

Today, my boyfriend took me out to meet his friends. It was going really well until I left to use the bathroom and two of the girls with us came in and started talking about how creepy Matt's new girlfriend is and that they're happy he's going to dump her. My boyfriend is Matt. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend had to be hospitalized to drain poison from a bad spider bite. His mom is convinced that he got it from my house and won't let him come over anymore. I suppose she's right, because guess who found a spider web under their bed today, along with 5 new spider bites? FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my brother thought he would take my key and steal my shoes from my football locker while I was at practice. What he didn't think about was him leaving my locker unlocked for the 3 hours of practice. Someone stole my iPod, my cell phone, my wallet, and all of my clothes. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I was at a basketball game. Sitting in the bleachers, I looked over at my friend and said, "Number 33 has a really cute butt." The man in front of us turned around, looked me dead in the eye, and said, "Thanks." Number 33's dad was a very proud father. FML

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By Jon - United States

Today, I found out my little sister was a stripper. At the same time, she found out that when I said I was having a "quiet birthday with some friends," what I really meant was "hiring a stripper to jump out of a cake." FML

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By danjoylovefun - United States

Today, I woke up to shit on my floor and my cat hiding under my comforter. I have to get rid of my new fish because my cat is afraid of it. FML

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By a - United States

Today, my husband and I announced our upcoming divorce. My friends told me how sorry they were and that they're available for whatever I need. His friends told him to just call the girl from last weekend and get himself laid again. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized that the "pimples" on my back weren't pimples at all. Because I was unable to see how bad they were for the last week, I never caught on to the fact the they were, in fact, ticks. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/2/2021 17:01

Daydream believer

Today, I apparently fell asleep during a work Zoom meeting. I awoke to no meeting on my screen and an e-mail from my boss saying I was terminated, and to do something about my "sleep apnea." FML

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By rabid_otaku - United States - Sycamore

Today, I had to stop at a gas station to go to the bathroom. A sign on the door told people to knock since the door didn't lock. As I was peeing, a lady walked in on me. Rather than simply saying sorry and shutting the damn door, she opened it wider and stepped in to apologize. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, they were handing out free razors in the mall. I went up to get my free sample, but the woman just smiled and said, "Sorry honey, they're sharp, and not for children." I'm 25. FML

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By Tyto - United States - Lewes

Today, I learned that the only reason my girlfriend stayed with me is because I drove us to school every morning. FML

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By BrokenAndHurt - United States - Gilmanton

Today, my best friend decided to make some life changes. He got a new job, a new car, and asked me to move out of our apartment. We're 1,500 miles away from my hometown. I only moved all the way out here to live with him in the first place because he asked me to. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I sent my boyfriend of three and a half years a text message spilling my heart out, saying I'll love him forever, and how much I appreciate him in my life, that I want to be the mother of his children, etc. His text back to me? "Are you drunk?!?" FML

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By victimboi - United Kingdom

Today, I got a taxi home from work. Only having notes in my wallet, I told the taxi driver that I'd run inside my house and come back out with the change for the journey. He agreed, but only if I left my bag as collateral. It seemed fair. An hour later, I realized my wallet was missing. FML

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By why me?? - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I was leaving my friends' apartment in my mom's car and I backed into a fire hydrant. I lied and told my mom it was a hit and run. So she called the apartment complex. They had me on video hitting the fire hydrant. FML

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By Dad41

Toynado

Today, I came home from work and found that my son had taken every single one of his toys out and left them on the floor. Plus some goldfish crackers. FML

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By MrRadin - France

Today, my roommate thought of a new idea for our household. According to him, we should take dumps at work as often as we can, that way, "we'll save on toilet paper at home." FML

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By strongjon60 - United States

Today, at my internship, I was told we were going to do something fun. I was excited, until I found out that this "fun" thing was labeling 500 folders. FML

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By Gob - United States

Today, while waiting for class, I let out a huge fart in front of everyone thinking no one would hear it over the music. I was wearing headphones. FML

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By Fmylife - United States

Today, I have a cold. Trying to clear out my stuffy nose, I tried putting mouthwash in my nose. Thinking it was an awesome idea, I put some more in. I then starting screaming in pain due to the extreme burning in my nostrils. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went home for lunch. Upon opening the door, I smelled something horrid. My dog had opened his cage, eaten all the dog treats, and had diarrhea all over my bed and bedroom floor. FML

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By Infadel - United States - San Marcos

Today, I was prepping for an interview after several months of unemployment. I had just finished brushing my teeth when I reached back and grabbed a towel behind me to wipe my face. Turns out it wasn't a towel, it was my newly dry-cleaned suit jacket that my wife had put there for me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up in my friend's living room after our sleepover. I heard her hot older brother and his friends in the kitchen. Feeling confident, I exposed my midriff a little bit just to give them a peek. They groaned and threw a blanket over me. FML

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By EOJ - United States

Today, I was walking my son to school. After yelling at him for not looking where he's walking, I grabbed his hand and pulled him closer to me. Not paying attention, I walked him right into a light pole. FML

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By EwokLover17 - United States

Today, my iPod came back from repair and still had a distorted sound. I've been through calls, meetings, and repairs with Apple since Christmas, and it still sounds like the half speaker in my old car. Then I found out the new Nano requires you to push the headphones plug in harder. FML

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By minnie - 14/2/2021 06:01 - United States - Denver

Unreasonable

Today, my boyfriend left me because he found out I cheated on my first boyfriend when I was 12. That was back before I knew what "cheating" was and I thought it was okay to love more than one person. FML

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Top comments

By nchic01 | 17

#6246357 - Sunday 29 March 2015 6:32

sounds like your mother is the one who needs the therapist

By CitricAcid | 21

#6246359 - Sunday 29 March 2015 6:32

What a bitch...
Really sorry you have to deal with her, OP. I hope things will get better for you.

COMMENTS

By nchic01 | 17

#6246357 - Sunday 29 March 2015 6:32

sounds like your mother is the one who needs the therapist

Reply

Doubtful_Judge | 23

#6246444 - Sunday 29 March 2015 7:56

A therapist, a mental therapist. A mental asylum. Perfect!

Reply

AllSoul | 23

#6246652 - Sunday 29 March 2015 14:32

Maybe they should try a session together.

Reply

laden_swallow09 | 34

#6246663 - Sunday 29 March 2015 14:49

41- I reeeeally don't see that working out well. At the very least, not anytime soon.

Reply

Shadowvoid | 33

#6246819 - Sunday 29 March 2015 18:32

Sounds like a plot twist to a sitcom, except for the fact that OP's mother has real problems.

By CitricAcid | 21

#6246359 - Sunday 29 March 2015 6:32

What a bitch...
Really sorry you have to deal with her, OP. I hope things will get better for you.

Reply

buttcramp | 21

#6246946 - Sunday 29 March 2015 20:09

i too hope things get better for you, OP. My advice would be to save your money so you can move out as soon as you can. My parents were pretty nuts too, once i moved out i had more appropriate boundaries with my parents.

By AvAfan | 14

#6246360 - Sunday 29 March 2015 6:33

Therapist. The rapist. Coincidence? I think not

Reply

iiTzNeeNerz | 26

#6246408 - Sunday 29 March 2015 6:56

Let me explain why you're about to get down voted; just so it doesn't come of as a shock:

1.) In no way is your comment relevant to the FML.
2.) If it were, rape is not something to joke about.

Reply

Jason89 | 14

#6246434 - Sunday 29 March 2015 7:44

wtf #3?

Reply

LastResort318 | 14

#6246436 - Sunday 29 March 2015 7:46

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

upallnight11 | 19

#6246656 - Sunday 29 March 2015 14:35

Not everyone is like your brother, jsyk

Reply

AllSoul | 23

#6246657 - Sunday 29 March 2015 14:35

Wow, I've never known anyone who's made jokes about them being raped.

Reply

FubarBundy1988 | 13

#6246690 - Sunday 29 March 2015 15:44

#24 that's exactly why you can't joke about it! Just because your brother handles it that way does not mean that everybody that has been raped handles it that way. I would actually say your brothers way is a very rare way.

Reply

fuckedPriceless | 17

#6246802 - Sunday 29 March 2015 17:57

My sister was raped and jokes about it too. I have no doubt I would as well if it happened to me. People should stop being so sensitive...

Reply

FubarBundy1988 | 13

#6247502 - Monday 30 March 2015 12:09

#64 Did you ever think the people being "sensitive" have a reason to be?

By speakfreely | 21

#6246363 - Sunday 29 March 2015 6:34

Maybe your mom should be the one seeing a shrink instead, sorry you have to deal with that OP

By Nathan_Henry | 15

#6246367 - Sunday 29 March 2015 6:36

Oh moms, they sure can be a pain in the ass sometimes

Reply

whycantisignup | 24

#6246624 - Sunday 29 March 2015 13:47

No, that's dads.

Reply

laden_swallow09 | 34

#6246662 - Sunday 29 March 2015 14:47

Why not both?

Reply

Roythetickler | 21

#6246707 - Sunday 29 March 2015 16:14

*Mexican music

Reply

Sagedrop | 10

#6246757 - Sunday 29 March 2015 16:52

Translation: Cries in Spanish.

By riahlum | 12

#6246369 - Sunday 29 March 2015 6:36

Just get away from the bitch. Other people care. Key to success? Fuck bitches get money.

Reply

Mermaidhead | 13

#6246394 - Sunday 29 March 2015 6:47

^ Abraham Lincoln

By miaaxoxxo | 16

#6246371 - Sunday 29 March 2015 6:37

I know how you feel OP. my mom is the same way, don't let her get to you. you're a strong independent person who will succeed in anything you put your mind to!

Reply

FubarBundy1988 | 13

#6246779 - Sunday 29 March 2015 17:16

I completely agree. Also when you have children (if you don't already?) you will strive to be a better mother than your own and your child will benefit from it.

By badassmf1234 | 22

#6246373 - Sunday 29 March 2015 6:38

Making stuff to talk about in therapy

By jamesderp | 15

#6246385 - Sunday 29 March 2015 6:42

Homicide is always an option...not that you should do it, but it is always an option

Reply

brittaaany_93 | 38

#6246768 - Sunday 29 March 2015 17:08

No, it's not 'always an option'. Just, no..

By Epickitty58 | 29

#6246388 - Sunday 29 March 2015 6:43

It's not talking shit, it's trying to deal with problems. That's the point of therapy. What does that woman think therapy is for?