Today, I had my first therapy session for the issues caused by... - FML

By Anonymous - 28/3/2015 15:50 - United Kingdom - Horsham

Today, I had my first therapy session for the issues caused by trying to please my overbearing, paranoid, self-centred mother. The first thing she did after we started driving home? Ranting at me and demanding to know if I'd been "talking shit" about her to my therapist FML

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Clocked

Deep-seated resentment

Gas giant

By katams - 26/2/2012 12:28 - United States

Today, I was going for a walk and I kept smelling pee wherever I went. After about an hour, I finally figured out that the smell was me. My dog had peed on my sweatshirt. FML

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By butisavedyourkid - 6/6/2013 04:13 - United States

Today, I rescued a little boy who looked like he was drowning in a public pool. His mother then smacked me in the face for "touching him". FML

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By anonymous - 11/4/2009 13:23 - United States

Today, as I was walking into CVS, two older men outside said to me "Young lady, please consider us on your way out." Thinking they were hitting on me, I rolled my eyes and said "Screw you." When I walked back outside, I realized they were asking for AIDS donations. FML

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By xsnqw - 19/1/2016 22:28 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was sitting at my desk in school, and I was really bored. I started playing with the strings on my pants, only to realize 5 minutes later it looked like I was fondling my dick. FML

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By fuq - 22/5/2012 18:42 - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, my wife allowed my mother-in-law to move in with us. She believes the government spies on her in the shower, and that the Prime Minister is a shape-shifting lizard who wants to microchip us all. I have to live with this psychotic wench until someone is desperate enough to employ her. FML

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By porn daddy - 21/6/2017 00:00

Today, my drunk dad went off on a tangent about his porn watching habits to the whole family. FML

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By someoneneedsassistance - 24/4/2015 15:07 - United States - Woodford

Today, while driving, I saw a car pull over with its hazard lights on. I went to see if they needed help, only to see the guy was jerking off to something on his phone. FML

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By ishyboo - 27/2/2016 22:59 - United States - Baraboo

Today, I let my estranged husband move back in with my son and me. Later, his pregnant and underage girlfriend knocked on my door, crying about how her mom kicked her out. I'm such a pushover, they're in my bed and I'm on the couch. FML

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By thatsillegal - 30/1/2009 22:57 - United States

Today, I found out that my assistant is now my manager. FML

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By yek - 24/12/2015 19:01 - Israel - Tel Aviv

Today, I'm spending Christmas Eve at the hospital. Why? Because when I blew my nose, a ball of flesh connected to a tendril of skin shot out, and it wouldn't go back up. FML

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By jake - 12/8/2014 10:21 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I dropped my kid into a crowded wishing fountain instead of a coin. FML

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By Motionless - 26/5/2011 09:55 - United States

Today, I had sex with my girlfriend. This is the seventh time in a row that she hasn't moved or made any noises the entire way through. FML

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By cbrocks - 16/10/2009 18:22 - United States

Today, it was the first day of fall break from college, and I was really excited to sleep in and relax the entire weekend. Apparently my boss caught wind of my happiness and scheduled me 8am-2pm each day of break, "seeing how I don't have anything else to do." FML

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By Noname - 11/1/2009 19:13 - United States

Today, I got drunk and hooked up with some random chick. Later, I found out she's Facebook friends with my girlfriend. They used to be best friends when the girl was a senior. Small world. FML

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By stolen - 11/4/2011 19:29 - United States

Today, I was robbed. They took my father's ashes. FML

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By FUCK THE PIGS - 26/1/2013 20:44 - United States - Oakland

Today, during lunch, my coworker offered me her food, claiming she was full. I was still quite hungry, so I accepted it. Halfway through eating the sandwiches, my boss walked in and started interrogating people over who took his lunch. I quickly realized I was the one eating it. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/6/2010 03:20 - United States

Today, after breaking up with my boyfriend, some of my friends decided to take me to a comedy club for a girls night. My friend's jealous husband decided he had to come along, then decided to invite my other friends' boyfriends. I ended up being the seventh wheel on a night meant to cheer me up. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/8/2020 20:00

Secret life

Today, the phone rang, it was some woman who wanted to speak to my dad. “It’s probably his mistress,” I said jokingly. Turns out it was. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/1/2016 05:07 - United States - San Diego

Today, I called the cops on my elderly neighbor for blaring loud war music yet again. They chatted and laughed with him on his lawn for a good half hour. As they left, he slapped the female officer's ass, only for her to just giggle about it. After they drove off, he fired up his music again. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/12/2009 08:51 - United States

Today, I found out that the person sending me secret love letters was actually my dad, who felt sorry for me. FML

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By blind - 29/1/2011 11:43 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to see the "Cirque du Soleil" at the Albert Hall. It was amazing, apparently. Of course I wouldn't know, because I left my glasses at the hotel, and was sitting at the very back row. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/11/2010 07:36 - Reserved

Today, my parents asked me if I had a nice time with my girlfriend at the amusement park I took her to yesterday. She was pretty freaked out by some of the rides so without thinking I said, "Yeah, but she sure is a screamer." My parents then exchange a look and say, "Oh trust us, we know." FML

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By hail - 27/12/2018 20:00

Today, I told my parents I was pregnant but don’t know who the Dad is. My Mom said “that’s alright, I still don’t know who your dad is”. So apparently my father isn’t my real Dad. FML

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By Cococautly - 4/7/2009 04:49 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me at the zoo. With a Ring Pop. He was serious. FML

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By Puddlepop - 1/3/2016 09:20 - United States - Santa Cruz

Today, in history class I was called "ignorant" and "inconsiderate" because I referred to Stalin as a "he". FML

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By DarkPhoenix - 4/12/2008 11:16 - France

Today, I'm heading towards my car clutching a bunch of flowers for my girlfriend, when along comes a sweet old lady who says: "it's not flowers she wants, it's some lovin'!". The elderly sure aren't what they used to be. FML

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By mmaisie - 1/2/2011 10:35 - United Kingdom

Today, I wrote a 2000 word essay on "Las Vegas - The City That Never Sleeps". I was proud of my work, until someone pointed out that New York is "The City That Never Sleeps", not Vegas. FML

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By fifthtimesacharm - 26/4/2011 15:03

Today, it's hot and sunny, and a customer asked me how I was, I responded by saying "It's a hot sunny day. Who doesn't love the sun?" He responded by telling me he had just had three melanomas cut out. I guess I did find someone who doesn't like the sun. FML

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By PoopTart - 29/4/2009 05:39 - United States

Today, I gave my sister a stun gun for her birthday since she recently had a couple "close calls" walking home from work late at night. She was so excited and thankful that she wanted to express her gratitude by shocking me to see if it really worked. FML

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By AmySweet - 18/8/2011 21:41 - United States

Today, my husband bought me a cinnamon roll because my blood sugar was dangerously low. My first bite was easily the most delicious thing I'd eaten since getting pregnant. As I sat in frosting coated ecstasy, my husband snatched up the rest of the pastry and finished it himself. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/6/2016 19:26 - Belgium - Overijse

Today, a friend pointed out to me that my girlfriend of 5 years looks a bit like my mom. She does, and I can't get it out of my head. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/1/2011 01:04 - United States

Today, my step-mom asked if I was having some eating issues. I admitted that maybe I've picked up some bad habits from friends and school. Now she won't stop bombarding me with self-help books and therapy websites. FML

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By damn you Ambien - 3/8/2016 05:48 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I woke up to an angry and threatening email from a porn company. Apparently, I took a sleeping pill last night and wrote a nasty email to the company about how they mistreat women. The best part: I used a web contact form instead of an email, so I have absolutely no idea what I wrote. FML

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By mdp624 - 16/8/2012 12:10 - United States - Brookhaven

Today, I was T-boned while going through an intersection. The guy who hit me accused me of not using my turn signal. I was going straight. FML

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By superjesse006 - 10/10/2009 07:23 - United States

Today, I was fired from a job I didn't have. The manager in charge of calling me to tell me if I got the job never called, and never called me back when I left messages. The only time he called me was to fire me for not coming to orientation, which, by the way, he never called to tell me about. FML

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By minnEmouse - 21/6/2011 02:40 - United States

Today, I met my husband's old high school sweetheart. My mother-in-law introduced me to her as "one of my son's friends." We've been married for over eight years. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/5/2011 14:18 - United Kingdom

Today, I went out with my best friend and her hot brother. Upon our exit out of the restaurant I walked right into the glass door and rebounded back off it. The whole restaurant was silent as I shamefully walked out only to trip on the curb outside. FML

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By Roselyn Cazares - 23/7/2017 19:55

Today, I was petting my female hamster when I felt a big mass under her. I immediately thought it was a tumor so I poked it to see if it hurt her. It didn't. Turns out my female hamster is actually a male, and he has really big balls. I touched my hamster's balls. FML

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By oops. - 22/12/2018 16:00

Today, my wife had a nip-slip. At my family reunion. In front of everyone. FML

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By drewB - 12/8/2019 10:00 - United States

Today, it was my first day being home after doing a 4 and a half month hike through the Appalachian Trail. This evening, I stepped out my front door and directly onto a copperhead snake. It thought my leg was tasty, and I went to the ER for the first time in over 20+ years. FML

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Top comments

By nchic01 | 17

#6246357 - Sunday 29 March 2015 6:32

sounds like your mother is the one who needs the therapist

By CitricAcid | 21

#6246359 - Sunday 29 March 2015 6:32

What a bitch...
Really sorry you have to deal with her, OP. I hope things will get better for you.

COMMENTS

By nchic01 | 17

#6246357 - Sunday 29 March 2015 6:32

sounds like your mother is the one who needs the therapist

Reply

Doubtful_Judge | 23

#6246444 - Sunday 29 March 2015 7:56

A therapist, a mental therapist. A mental asylum. Perfect!

Reply

AllSoul | 23

#6246652 - Sunday 29 March 2015 14:32

Maybe they should try a session together.

Reply

laden_swallow09 | 34

#6246663 - Sunday 29 March 2015 14:49

41- I reeeeally don't see that working out well. At the very least, not anytime soon.

Reply

Shadowvoid | 33

#6246819 - Sunday 29 March 2015 18:32

Sounds like a plot twist to a sitcom, except for the fact that OP's mother has real problems.

By CitricAcid | 21

#6246359 - Sunday 29 March 2015 6:32

What a bitch...
Really sorry you have to deal with her, OP. I hope things will get better for you.

Reply

buttcramp | 21

#6246946 - Sunday 29 March 2015 20:09

i too hope things get better for you, OP. My advice would be to save your money so you can move out as soon as you can. My parents were pretty nuts too, once i moved out i had more appropriate boundaries with my parents.

By AvAfan | 14

#6246360 - Sunday 29 March 2015 6:33

Therapist. The rapist. Coincidence? I think not

Reply

iiTzNeeNerz | 26

#6246408 - Sunday 29 March 2015 6:56

Let me explain why you're about to get down voted; just so it doesn't come of as a shock:

1.) In no way is your comment relevant to the FML.
2.) If it were, rape is not something to joke about.

Reply

Jason89 | 14

#6246434 - Sunday 29 March 2015 7:44

wtf #3?

Reply

LastResort318 | 14

#6246436 - Sunday 29 March 2015 7:46

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

upallnight11 | 19

#6246656 - Sunday 29 March 2015 14:35

Not everyone is like your brother, jsyk

Reply

AllSoul | 23

#6246657 - Sunday 29 March 2015 14:35

Wow, I've never known anyone who's made jokes about them being raped.

Reply

FubarBundy1988 | 13

#6246690 - Sunday 29 March 2015 15:44

#24 that's exactly why you can't joke about it! Just because your brother handles it that way does not mean that everybody that has been raped handles it that way. I would actually say your brothers way is a very rare way.

Reply

fuckedPriceless | 17

#6246802 - Sunday 29 March 2015 17:57

My sister was raped and jokes about it too. I have no doubt I would as well if it happened to me. People should stop being so sensitive...

Reply

FubarBundy1988 | 13

#6247502 - Monday 30 March 2015 12:09

#64 Did you ever think the people being "sensitive" have a reason to be?

By speakfreely | 21

#6246363 - Sunday 29 March 2015 6:34

Maybe your mom should be the one seeing a shrink instead, sorry you have to deal with that OP

By Nathan_Henry | 15

#6246367 - Sunday 29 March 2015 6:36

Oh moms, they sure can be a pain in the ass sometimes

Reply

whycantisignup | 24

#6246624 - Sunday 29 March 2015 13:47

No, that's dads.

Reply

laden_swallow09 | 34

#6246662 - Sunday 29 March 2015 14:47

Why not both?

Reply

Roythetickler | 21

#6246707 - Sunday 29 March 2015 16:14

*Mexican music

Reply

Sagedrop | 10

#6246757 - Sunday 29 March 2015 16:52

Translation: Cries in Spanish.

By riahlum | 12

#6246369 - Sunday 29 March 2015 6:36

Just get away from the bitch. Other people care. Key to success? Fuck bitches get money.

Reply

Mermaidhead | 13

#6246394 - Sunday 29 March 2015 6:47

^ Abraham Lincoln

By miaaxoxxo | 16

#6246371 - Sunday 29 March 2015 6:37

I know how you feel OP. my mom is the same way, don't let her get to you. you're a strong independent person who will succeed in anything you put your mind to!

Reply

FubarBundy1988 | 13

#6246779 - Sunday 29 March 2015 17:16

I completely agree. Also when you have children (if you don't already?) you will strive to be a better mother than your own and your child will benefit from it.

By badassmf1234 | 22

#6246373 - Sunday 29 March 2015 6:38

Making stuff to talk about in therapy

By jamesderp | 15

#6246385 - Sunday 29 March 2015 6:42

Homicide is always an option...not that you should do it, but it is always an option

Reply

brittaaany_93 | 38

#6246768 - Sunday 29 March 2015 17:08

No, it's not 'always an option'. Just, no..

By Epickitty58 | 29

#6246388 - Sunday 29 March 2015 6:43

It's not talking shit, it's trying to deal with problems. That's the point of therapy. What does that woman think therapy is for?