Kids: Today, I had my 3 year old son in the doctors office. During...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had my 3 year old son in the doctors office. During the exam, he informed the doctor that he doesn't sleep in mommy's bed anymore because mommy sleeps in her underwear and farts all night long. FML

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Kids

Late term

Teenagers

Little shit

By Anonymous - Spain

Today, I asked my boyfriend in a sexy way "What should we do now, honey?" He answered, "Suck my dick?" I said "I was thinking of something more... romantic." He replied "Suck my dick in the moonlight?" FML

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By Sammy - United States

Today, I re-broke my leg. The same way I broke it the first time, playing frisbee. FML

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By L_M_AND_R_L - United States

Today, I asked my mom not to bring her dog to my wedding, since he's a real pain in the ass. She told me not to worry about it because she didn't feel like going anyway. FML

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By Meowit - United States - Livonia

Today, it's my birthday, and everyone, family and friends, forgot. Except my dog who left me a present on my bed. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was planning on enjoying my one day off work from the hospital, at home. I got a call saying I had to come in because my department was short-handed. I went in to find almost everyone there. Turns out it was a prank by my coworkers. FML

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By Letteh

Today, my boyfriend transferred some money to me online. He put a joke reference of "Anal nice 'n cheap". We need to show a month-long bank statement to our mortgage broker tomorrow. FML

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By Gullible - United States - Cleveland

Today, my boyfriend of three years told me he was thinking about us taking a break. After an hour of crying and him saying it would be okay, I accepted it. When I asked when the break would start, he replied, "What are you talking about? I only said I'd thought about it" and then laughed. FML

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By Mandi - United States - Cary

Today, I found out why my District Manager won't promote me to store manager; his wife thinks he's having an affair with me. If he promotes me, she will take that as evidence of the affair, and then will threaten to divorce him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was getting mugged. In shock, I said, "Are you mugging me?!" To which the mugger responded, "Duh, do you think I grabbed you for your looks?" FML

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By 2gewd4u - United States

Today, I walked in on my sister sitting on the toilet, trying to use "The Force" to pull over the toilet paper roll sitting on the sink. FML

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By future walmart employee - United States - Clarendon Hills

Today, I had my first job as a wedding planner. I'd spent a year making sure everything was right. After the wedding my friend comforted me by saying, "You had to have known it wasn't going to be perfect." I knew that it wouldn't be perfect, but I had expected the groom to at least show up. FML

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By Wolf

Gangsta

Today, I went to my local bank after getting an email from them concerning unknown purchases. Four hours later, I was still in police custody. Someone had been using my account to purchase guns and drugs. FML

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By Binks - 26/10/2020 12:01 - United States - Charleston

Ghosts!

Today I woke up feeling good and ready for my online business class final, only to find that it had somehow been submitted and graded with a zero. FML

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By tee - United States - Kansas City

Today, I was told it was inconvenient for me to take lunch breaks, because someone else has to answer the phones and no one else wants to actually do any work. FML

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By Nickie809 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I moved into my new apartment. I was feeling really excited until my new neighbor knocked on my door and left me what looks like rabbit ears on my welcome mat. He just stared at me expectantly as though I should be thankful. FML

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By 4gottenmemories - United States

Today, my mom asked me to look through old VHS tapes to throw away, I found one that said "Ashley's kindergarten Play-'95", I put the tape in, it begins to play, only to see "Days of our lives", "Melrose Place", and "ER". My childhood memories are ranked lower than tv shows. FML

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By sweeeeet - United States

Today, I got called out of class to talk to some cops. Turns out my car was involved in a hit and run accident, while I was in school and there was no possible way it could have been me. But since they have no one else, it's my fault. FML

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By maxkeyftw - United States - Clovis

Today, I was at the dentist getting a cavity fixed for the first time. The dentist showed me the drill and other tools, and referred to them as things like "Mr. Bumpy Brush". I'm 15. She thought I was "special". FML

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By J.Smith - France

Today, the only girl I really loved said to me: I want you to be the father of my child, but I don't want to be your girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Nottingham

Today, while visiting my grandparents, I was afraid that one of their many cats would pee on me. I was peed on all right, by my grandma. FML

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By samaram - United States

Today, during a series of violent sneezes due to a cold, I bit my tongue. My tongue is now so swollen I cannot close my mouth and am drooling profusely. I have to get ready to go to my job as a cashier. FML

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By yuck

Today, I found out that what I thought was my brother gasping and groaning in his dreams most nights is actually him jacking off. FML

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By Bellend - United Kingdom

Today, I noticed a flash car badly parking itself in a handicapped space. I hate the asshats who do this, so I went up to berate the driver. After an opening salvo of coarse language, a glint of light on his wheelchair in the back caught my eye. I then had to apologise for being a shitehawk. FML

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By Dear Lord Save Me - United Kingdom - Merthyr Tydfil

Today, I was shopping with my dad and I saw one of my guy friends, so we waved and smiled at each other. My dad clearly thought his wave was too "romantic", because he shouted at him, "Touch her, and I'll kill you." FML

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By beer guy

Today, I got punched in the back by elderly woman because she thought I was mocking the way she walked as I passed her. I was walking funny because I have a brace-boot on my foot due to the fact that it got run over. FML

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By BirthdayFail - United States - Milwaukee

Today, it's my birthday. Today is also the day my grandma died, six years ago. Since then, I get to sit through any sort of attempted celebration while my mom sobs and drinks herself into a stupor in the background. FML

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By drunkennight - Canada

Today, I woke up after a night out at the bar, immediately remembering that I had lost my cell phone, my ID and somehow spent $100. Feeling like shit already, my friend then goes on to tell me that I flashed the entire bar, and ran around the hotel naked. FML

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By Grandson - Australia

Today, I received my first phone call of the new year. It was the police station informing me that my elderly grandmother has been arrested for indecent exposure. FML

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By jessicab72 - United States - Cuyahoga Falls

Today, I got into THE party of the year. Too bad it was the party my daughter was throwing while her father and I were out of town. FML

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By AmericanAlien - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I've been waiting for a very important document in the mail. It has been two months. I reviewed my application and realized I forgot to put a mailing address down. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bedford

Today, I was working out and doing box jumps. My friend thought it would be funny to kick the box aside as I tried to jump onto it. Now I have 2 broken teeth. FML

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By sober - United States - Hillsborough

Today, I told my boyfriend that I was going to stop drinking, since I have been having some problems with alcohol and some of my relatives are alcoholics. He later broke up with me, saying he couldn't be with someone who "chose to be boring." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned that my roommate, the one in charge of the cooking, never washes her hands beforehand. According to her, it boosts her immune system. FML

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By Damn - Australia

Today, I noticed my nephew has blue eyes, freckles and dimples which don't run in my family or my sister's husband's family, but they do run in my husband's family. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my biology teacher asked the class a question, so I raised my hand and after I gave my answer, my teacher said, "You know, you have a voice for radio. It's very deep." I replied with "Do I? Thanks!" He added, "You also have the face for radio." The whole class laughed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Flushing

Today, what few friends I have won't talk to me anymore. My ex told them she dumped me because I abused her. I never abused her. What really happened is that she dumped me in a rage after I refused to give her money for drugs. Nobody's even asked for my side of the story. FML

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By Jeimaiku - United States

Today, my ex took my cat and gave her to an animal shelter while I was at work, saying he can't stand living with her any longer. He's moving out in 2 days. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Vallejo

Today, I was stretching after a group run. I noticed one of the girls was having problems balancing, so I told her that I have horrible balance too, but that it'll get better. She sneered and said she had a brain tumor when she was a kid, and that's why she has such bad balance. FML

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By JustWantedToRelax - United States

Today, I took my dogs to the park and sat in the grass while they played. Within the first half hour two male dogs peed on my back. The first owner apologized and gave me a wipe to clean up while the second one had the nerve to tell me "this is why I bring a chair" FML

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By tracy4191 - United States - Ponchatoula

Today, I found out my grandma has been slipping laxatives into my food. Apparently, I was constipated once as a child and "once constipated, always constipated." FML

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Top comments

By heyyimkell | 2

#574479 - Saturday 19 September 2009 20:13

Haha! You gotta love how honest little kids are.
Don't worry though. All 3 year olds say stuff like that.

By jillz | 0

#574883 - Saturday 19 September 2009 23:51

Clearly he has an overactive imagination and made that up because we all know that females do not fart.

COMMENTS

By cheetahboo2010 | 5

#574473 - Saturday 19 September 2009 20:12

FIRST! :) lol but wow that suckss

123sploosh | 0

#574509 - Saturday 19 September 2009 20:26

damn you!!!!

chipmunk95 | 0

#574727 - Saturday 19 September 2009 22:25

@OP llululululululrufffleurrflflfle thats funny u nasty!

By dacey_fml | 0

#574476 - Saturday 19 September 2009 20:13

Oh, wow. I would be so embarrassed.

LexRB | 0

#1460205 - Sunday 26 September 2010 15:52

ur not dacey fake

By heyyimkell | 2

#574479 - Saturday 19 September 2009 20:13

Haha! You gotta love how honest little kids are.
Don't worry though. All 3 year olds say stuff like that.

By 100lol | 0

#574487 - Saturday 19 September 2009 20:16

Lol! Kids are kids. :]

By chellinha93 | 0

#574490 - Saturday 19 September 2009 20:17

ohhhh the kid just told you off... LOL fyl indeed.

By ithedarkone | 0

#574497 - Saturday 19 September 2009 20:19

GOOD FOR YOU MOM! YDI. your 3 year old son is sleeping in the bed with you lmao and you passing gas and shit. I dont blame him who want to sleep with someone who passes gas and in her panties. Put on a little pj's outfit and clean out your system with some laxatives... Come on mom! =P

By WetDream_fml | 0

#574538 - Saturday 19 September 2009 20:37

Aw.
Kid's say the darndest things(;

By SimpleSimon | 0

#574553 - Saturday 19 September 2009 20:44

Fair play to him, I wouldn't sleep with you either.

By LexOrdrin | 0

#574555 - Saturday 19 September 2009 20:44

You had a 3 year old in a doctor's office? That must have been so painful for you!

By plexico | 3

#574575 - Saturday 19 September 2009 20:52

And now we have the first contestant voted off of MILF Island. . .

She starts her own reality TC show: MIWFWYD (Mother I Wouldn't Fuck With Your Dick), which is popular only in Wales because they can pronounce that acronym.

Intoxicunt | 5

#574672 - Saturday 19 September 2009 21:51

Win. =)

Puolukka | 4

#574912 - Sunday 20 September 2009 0:08

Double Win! :D