Today, I had leg surgery. While I was recovering in the hospital,... - FML

By anonymous - 17/9/2011 07:44 - United States

Today, I had leg surgery. While I was recovering in the hospital, my boyfriend dumped me. I then had to ride home, a 2 hour drive, listening to my mother and aunt tell me he was the best thing to happen to me and I will never find a better man. Then the morphine wore off. FML

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Serious times

The Summoner

Great speech, thanks!

By Anonymous - 26/10/2014 10:35 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I'm so out of shape, I started wheezing on my way to check my mailbox. Not my physical mailbox, either; my email inbox on the phone I'd left on the table at the bottom of the stairs. FML

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By thehaystackerine - 1/3/2020 12:00

Asshole Design

Today, I bought a slice of pizza at my favorite gas station. Upon opening the box, I found that the lone piece of pepperoni visible through the window on the box was in fact the only piece on the whole slice. FML

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By ProFesser - 28/3/2017 16:00

Today, while heading outside to go to work, I slip on my driveway and my coffee thermos-mug ends up flying out of my hand, and smashes my next door neighbor's brand new truck window. The thermos-mug broke and splashed hot coffee all over his seats too. He's a hard-ass military dude. FML

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By italy1986 - 13/4/2009 19:41 - United States

Today, I got 20% tints on my car. As I'm driving home, a cop pulls me over. I didn't want to ruin my new tint by opening my window, so I opened my door as the cop approached. He then pulled out his gun and yelled "GET ON THE FUCKING GROUND!" before I could explain. FML

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By HazzaBoo - 7/8/2012 23:45 - United States

Today, I decided to help the homeless by giving them old clothes and food. In return, they decided to mug me. FML

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By anon - 27/3/2013 23:17 - Netherlands - Swalmen

Today, I showed my aunt and mother my tattoo. They both burst out laughing. FML

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By n0taplumber - 16/11/2010 03:25 - United States

Today, I reached in between the couch cushions to see if my iPod had slipped in there. I didn't find my iPod, but I did find an old utility knife blade. With my fingers. FML

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By No O-face - 18/1/2011 03:19 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of over one and a half years told me he won't give me a hand job because "it's awfully wet down there," and he isn't "a fan of other people's bodily fluids." FML

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By beachbum - 27/2/2009 06:03 - United States

Today, I was at the beach with my buddy. Messing around, he swam up behind me and dunked me under the water. Naturally, moments later I swam behind him, grabbed both his ankles and stood up, flipping him completely, only to see him watching me from a few feet away. I flipped a 70 year old man. FML

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By gotta euthanize em all - 29/11/2014 19:45 - Canada

Today, while at work, I had to spend an hour and a half on the phone, listening to an old lady relive her entire day in excruciating detail. We're not allowed to hang up on customers, and she was extremely quick to dismiss all my attempts to steer the call back on topic. FML

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By bass - 22/9/2009 01:50 - United States

Today, I got a call from a prominent orchestra asking me to play with them. They were especially interested because I'm still in high school. I called to accept only to find out that my mother had already declined the offer for me because I "only" have a 3.7. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/10/2018 13:30

Today, my manager told my shift that if we didn't have the quota filled for cinnamon rolls by tonight, we were all out of a job. One of the machines we use to wrap cinnamon rolls just started acting up. We also aren't allowed to take over time. FML

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By Señor Guapo - 4/3/2009 17:42 - United States

Today, I was in spanish class, having a debate about the death penalty. When I went to make a point, I meant to say "La pena de muerte", which means "The death penalty". I said, "La pene de muerte". Turns out that means, "The penis of death". FML

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By BadTime - 30/8/2011 09:35 - United States

Today, my wife tried to refill the windshield wiper fluid on her own. However, she poured it where the oil goes. Now the car is having major issues. Last week I lost my job, and I have no idea how much this is going to cost to fix. FML

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By thanks iphone - 30/1/2016 21:05 - United States - Louisville

Today, I realized I wasn't getting notifications for my voicemail, so I decided to check it and found out that I had 3 job offerings that are no longer an option. FML

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By mariana - 8/2/2014 00:18 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I decided to ask the guy I like if he'll be my Valentine. I wrote the question on a piece of paper and passed it to him, trying to be cute. He read it, wrote his answer with a smile, and passed it back. It said, "Depends, do you swallow?" No, no I don't. FML

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By BlueBallMcGee - 11/5/2009 12:08 - United States

Today, I came home from working twelve hours straight. Feeling rather frisky, I attempted to seduce my wife upon arriving home. She said that sleep was better than sex and went directly to bed. It was only 6:30 PM. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/7/2010 04:53 - United States

Today, I moved into my new apartment and met my new roommate. Immediately after shaking hands he suggested that we make a "masturbation schedule" to avoid any awkward situations. Way to avoid an awkward situation. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/6/2019 00:04

Today, for the third time, my boyfriend called his dog by my name. FML

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By "cowboy_gold " - 25/1/2020 05:00

Don't ignore neighbor

Today, I came back to my dorm only to find the noise of my neighbor having loud sex. I thought I was talking in my head when I said at least do it against the other wall. But, when I was leaving later, he walked by apologizing and said that he thought that I was not there, then promised to do more quietly next time. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/4/2017 14:00

Today, I found out that my crazy stalker got a crazy stalker too. And she's also stalking me. So basically, I'm in some sort of a stalking triangle. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/8/2019 16:04

Today, I went to Auto Zone because my car was having trouble starting, and I thought it was the battery. The guy checked it with their reader, and confirmed it was dying. Right after he put the battery in, my starter died. I had to get my car towed to the shop. FML

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By Zoe123 - 19/3/2009 06:05 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were at his house having sex. After about 30 minutes, his mom came home and was knocking on the door asking "What are you doing?" Thinking I might have a chance to sneak out, I got dressed real quiet. Then my boyfriend answers, "Zoe. I'm doing Zoe." FML

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By Anonymous - 10/2/2010 07:54 - United States

Today, I bought a brand new huge leather recliner. After laying down and watching football for some time, I sit up and hear a loud shatter. My iPhone was crushed by the mechanics of the chair after it slipped out of my pocket. FML

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By How - 18/4/2018 01:30

Today, I received a letter from my apartment complex saying I have an unauthorized tenant living with me. I must provide proof they don't live with me in the next 72 hours or I get kicked out. Nobody lives with me, and I don't know how to prove it. FML

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By Username - 31/3/2011 07:20 - United States

Today, while on vacation, I realized my parents and grandparents had been running off and doing quite a few errands lately. After doing some sleuthing, I discovered they were taking turns having blood-curdling sex in our other hotel room down the hall. FML

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By walkingonsunshine - 22/1/2010 00:14 - France

Today, my long term boyfriend took me to my favorite restaurant. After the main course he knelt down and finally proposed to me. I was so happy I almost cried. Until an old woman came over and said I was way to old for him. I'm 3 years younger than my fiancé. FML

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By anon - 29/8/2012 04:52 - United States - York

Today, I was giving a tour of my boat to a man who seemed interested in purchasing it. Everything was going great. That is, until, the motor stopped running in the middle of the ocean. FML

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By sadcapri96 - 23/6/2011 21:40 - United States

Today, the old lady I've been taking care of and running errands for died. She hadn't paid me yet. FML

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By Mac - 16/9/2009 17:05 - France

Today, I was called by my son's school. They said he'd been forging my signature and comments in his reading book. He didn't forge them. I don't know what's worse: my handwriting looking like a 6 year old's, or being too cowardly to admit it. He has a week of lunch detention, but I still have my dignity. FML

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By anonymous - 26/5/2016 00:34 - United States - Rio Rancho

Today, I went to a trampoline park and jumped into an adult-area foam pit that apparently used to be for children. I guess it never occurred to them to change the depth of it, as I now have a fractured ankle. FML

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By deliveryboy - 5/3/2011 15:46 - China

Today, I was told that I was an idiot by a little girl because I didn't deliver a pizza to her house fast enough. FML

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By VahnSeiro - 20/2/2010 06:04 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of two years called me, drunk, telling me how much anal sex hurts with some other guy. FML

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By Username - 3/3/2010 16:34 - France

Today, I found out exactly what Ducolax stool softener is all about. Holy colon cleanse Batman! FML

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By Googleit - 29/6/2011 16:44 - Canada

Today, I was told that I may die by the time I'm 30, and that I should Google the disorder because he doesn't know what it is for sure. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/7/2016 19:29 - United States - Greeley

Today, I got threatened with a gun at the drive-thru, all because my coworker forgot to include extra fries in the guy's order. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/3/2012 16:08 - United States

Today, I had a mild epileptic seizure. My mom's immediate reaction was not to comfort me or call for help, but to freak out over the fact that I'd spilled my glass of milk over the floor. FML

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By das_shizzle - 5/5/2020 23:00

Wake up call

Today, I woke up to my husband trying to bite my forehead in his sleep. My response? I slapped him hard in the face. What a way to wake up. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/12/2012 00:03 - Germany - Mannheim

Today, my car is still in the shop, so I asked my psycho brother to drive me to the mall. He sped up to nearly 20km over the speed limit, so I shouted for him to stop before he got us both killed. He hit the brakes in the middle of an intersection, and wouldn't move again until I got out. FML

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By InnocenceBlue - 1/8/2019 14:00

Today, the boss's arrogant son thought it necessary to demonstrate how to use a hole punch while explaining slowly how he wanted things punched. I have worked admin for years, and I'm the contracts admin, not his PA. FML

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Top comments

By JenDanielle917 | 13

#3303579 - Saturday 17 September 2011 15:52

What bitches you have to deal with.

By sseberly | 11

#3303571 - Saturday 17 September 2011 15:51

Man, rough day :(

COMMENTS

By sseberly | 11

#3303571 - Saturday 17 September 2011 15:51

Man, rough day :(

Reply

crazychick1269 | 7

#3303636 - Saturday 17 September 2011 16:00

that sounds so bad

Reply

Damn_Hippster | 11

#3303705 - Saturday 17 September 2011 16:10

That is just an unfortunate sequence of events OP. Sorry to hear that.

Reply

ikickgingers | 15

#3303771 - Saturday 17 September 2011 16:22

Did someone say morphine? O_o

Reply

yamatelle | 19

#3303776 - Saturday 17 September 2011 16:22

Is this after you ran over him with your wheelchair?

Reply

LiveLaughFML | 10

#3303851 - Saturday 17 September 2011 16:40

you wanted him back, you're so through with that, and honestly he turned out to be the best thing you never had. :)

Reply

Streeet_hayley | 6

#3303878 - Saturday 17 September 2011 16:54

Breaking up with you while you're in the hospital? Dont listen to your parents, you will find someone much better

Reply

Fml_FTW228 | 10

#3303890 - Saturday 17 September 2011 16:58

Wow, that must be terrible. I know from experience that surgery at a young age sucks, and you have all these added variables. Sorry, get better soon.

Reply

fakeaccountX | 6

#3303893 - Saturday 17 September 2011 16:59

21 just fired their lolzerbeam at full power.

Reply

Hannahrayne | 0

#3304223 - Saturday 17 September 2011 18:48

Wow.. You can say that again:(

Reply

theaws0m3guy | 4

#3304253 - Saturday 17 September 2011 19:01

Man...this FML isn't even funny, it's straight up depressing.. :( sorry OP!

Reply

nagbackdive | 0

#3305083 - Sunday 18 September 2011 0:00

You don't even know why he broke up with her.

Reply

n_epic_fail | 14

#3305593 - Sunday 18 September 2011 2:01

If the ass dumped you while you're in recovery he's obviously one of the worst things to happen to you. Your mom and aunt are just dumb asses.

Reply

Xr70r7 | 4

#3305793 - Sunday 18 September 2011 3:34

Holy shit, the same thing happened to me! My gf broke up with my via text. I even traveled an hour to go to her volleyball game the same day.

Reply

RocketNinjaFish | 12

#3306313 - Sunday 18 September 2011 7:54

Your ex is an asshole. what kind of person breaks up with someone in the hospital?!

By JenDanielle917 | 13

#3303579 - Saturday 17 September 2011 15:52

What bitches you have to deal with.

Reply

ajsciri4 | 0

#3303680 - Saturday 17 September 2011 16:06

Yeah and bitches like these are why opiates are so effective.

;D

Reply

Bbhd05 | 0

#3303783 - Saturday 17 September 2011 16:23

Looks like you should have pocketed some of that morphine, Eh?

Reply

Iheartfunny | 1

#3303802 - Saturday 17 September 2011 16:27

OP thats what we in the buissness call a double whammy.

Reply

sarapsosis | 1

#3303954 - Saturday 17 September 2011 17:14

I think you deserve a joint

Reply

GuitarFail123 | 9

#3304670 - Saturday 17 September 2011 20:38

wow, what dbag breaks up wit their partner while they r in the hospital?? ur better off witout him, srry op

Reply

Naitras | 15

#3305576 - Sunday 18 September 2011 1:59

With*
Are*
You're
Without*
Sorry*

Reply

zuzupetalsYO | 11

#3305603 - Sunday 18 September 2011 2:04

don't forget *douchebag

Reply

GuitarFail123 | 9

#3306102 - Sunday 18 September 2011 5:56

with the grammer corrections..... lol

By eeppiicc | 8

#3303583 - Saturday 17 September 2011 15:52

They sound like major pains

By Icejza_DaChilla | 7

#3303586 - Saturday 17 September 2011 15:53

Your mother sounds like a lovely woman.. Prove them wrong. I wonder why he broke up with you

Reply

tmmundy | 17

#3303975 - Saturday 17 September 2011 17:20

because he's a dick!!!!

Reply

ripjohnlennon | 5

#3304225 - Saturday 17 September 2011 18:49

Just cuz a guy dumps a girl doesn't make him a dick. For all we know he was the nicest guy ever, and OP is a total bitch!

Reply

touch_the_sky | 7

#3304280 - Saturday 17 September 2011 19:11

56 - Even if that is the case, he picked the worst possible time to break up with her.

Reply

Icejza_DaChilla | 7

#3304598 - Saturday 17 September 2011 20:22

Exactly why I wonder why he broke up with her, hard to say if it's a TDI or FYL without that info

Reply

stephan18 | 23

#3305004 - Saturday 17 September 2011 23:16

He probably broke up because of the aunt and mother...

By liquidSELECT | 0

#3303589 - Saturday 17 September 2011 15:53

I feel very sorry for you rough day my freind

By Caitlin72 | 5

#3303607 - Saturday 17 September 2011 15:55

Your mom and aunt sound like angry bitches.

By jillianmathers12 | 13

#3303638 - Saturday 17 September 2011 16:01

That sucks! He is a ass for breaking up with you while you were in the Hospital! You don't need him! Find a guy that really cares for you!

Reply

Madiluvsyuh98 | 2

#3304143 - Saturday 17 September 2011 18:12

The way eminem cares for you right

Reply

Millman_fml | 9

#3306345 - Sunday 18 September 2011 8:19

#49 I didn't get that at first! But Hahahahaha that's good lol

By bo1440 | 3

#3303641 - Saturday 17 September 2011 16:01

Should of told them to stfu op. It's none of their business, and to buy you a bottle of tequila for being bitcahes, to tie you over till you more meds.

Oh and get well soon.

By shalia_fml | 1

#3303667 - Saturday 17 September 2011 16:05

oh dear, that's just plain awful...like someone said just prove them wrong and just ignore them. you have enough to deal with already :/

By wisericky | 12

#3303669 - Saturday 17 September 2011 16:05

You should have jumped out of the car while the morphine was still in your system.